Tuesday, 31 August 2010

101 ways to kill an annoying Japanese Grandma...

#34- Wait until New Year (if you can hold out that long) and give her a huge piece of undercooked motchi. Make sure to confiscate all vacuum cleaners in case someone tries the old 'suck the motchi stuck down the old geezer's throat with a vacuum cleaner' trick...

Grandma is pissing me off beyond belief these days. Who'd have thought the oldest member of the in-laws would be the one to cause me so much grief!? MIL can be overbearing, but I can deal, SIL is a flat out weirdo, but at least keeps to herself (or the dog) most of the time, BIL sleeps the days away and FIL is usually all good as long as he isn't getting his dangly bits out. How is it that an 83 year old woman can aggravate me that much I would even be inspired to let out the feelings of frustration on a blog??

#48- Take away all non-slip and old people proof hand rails from the bathroom...

There have been a few things this past week. The first has been her disapproval of me taking Ash out. Anywhere.
I hate staying home with Ash, he gets bored, he trashes the house, pulls the cat's tail, wants to watch nothing but the wiggles all day... It really is a disaster to spend a full day at home with him. I guess because he gets so much stimulation at kindy all day every day, he needs that all the time, but it's very draining and I'd much prefer him be stimulated at a toy shop so he can trash someone else's work place instead of my house. Harsh, but true. (Apologies to all toys r' us employees who have had to clean up his mess...) But every time I take him outside to get on the bike to go to the car park, without fucking fail, the 'gara-gara' noise of the in law's door will go and Grandma will say "Ooooo where are you going?! It's so hot! You should stay home!! Always going out somewhere! Tut tut fucking tut!!"
Errr, yes Grandma, unlike some people, I choose not to rot in my house all summer. No thank you, not with a small potentially ADD affected child anyway. It's like she has some radar and a little light and alarm goes off whenever we leave the house!

#98- Just give her a little shove when she's hanging out the futons...

Another point of contention this week has been the fucking red shoes. Ash has a pair of fake red crocs that are really good, nice and light and easy to put on. His shoes are usually scattered between our house and Grandma's house so it's not unusual for me to not be able to find them. Grandma also has some kind of shoe radar too, because they weren't at her house, and she came sniffing around our shoe rack, when she couldn't find them there, I swear to God, at least 5 times she asked me "Where are the red shoes, they're the best ones!?" After about 5 times of me answering I didn't know, she escalated the shoe attack into "Where have you lost them?! They can't have just disappeared you stupid stupid gaijin!!" (OK there was no gaijin attacks specifically but I definitely got an old angry J-woman vibe.) I have a feeling they're in the car but I feel like telling her to fuck off and that we'll find the red shoes in our own damn time! I think she seriously spends a good part of the day thinking about the elusive red shoes.

#72- Slip some rat poisoning into her miso soup, she'll just think the taste is a bitter vegetable of some description.

And the final straw was 'the T-shirt labelling' incident. Ash's kindy clothes all have to be labelled clearly with his name. Pain in the arse, but what are you going to do, it stops shit getting lost. At first she criticised how I wrote the "ya" in our name, and I told her straight out to get bent, it really didn't matter, he was the only kid with a katakana name anyway, they'd get the drift. Maybe because it's her name, she thinks it should be written with a friggin calligraphy brush by some old dude in a kimono, who knows. But the real problem came when she spied Ash's T-shirts. If they have a big tag, I'll write his name on it, but most of them have a tiny, pissy little tag that wouldn't fit a short name, let alone the katakana and kanji novel that is Ash's full name. So, I usually just write it on the inside back of the collar. Nobody can see it if he's wearing it, but even if they could, it's a fucking kindy shirt, and he's fucking 1 year old, don't think the fashion police are going to come knocking. I simply want to write it somewhere where both the kindy teachers and I can see it clearly. She kept going on and on and on that 'in Japan' "we usually write it on the bottom inside of the shirt" and other such crap, I tried to ignore it with lots of "soudesu ne's" but in the end I just needed to bitch about it to someone and I regrettably chose Ryo-chan. Of course I'm pretty sure he's already told her off despite me making him promise not to, because the t-shirt and shoe lectures have mysteriously stopped. Which is good, but will only fuel the 'Grandma hates the gaijin fire', which is really something I don't want to have to deal with.

#65- Smother her with an incorrectly labelled children's T-shirt.

Monday, 30 August 2010

My eyes! My eyes!

Dear God, my eyes. And brain. And memory. Scarred forever I tells you!

Let me back the fuck up a bit, Saturday night, I was off to the 50 fucking millionth bon odori of the season (and I god damn hope the last!) complete with troop of whinging husband, FIL and his toothy bride (who were actually in the middle of some crazy big fight but I don't know the goss, yet...) and chubby halfuu baby in his little blue kimono. *insert cute picture that I can't be faffed uploading.... here.*
I had to work till 8 so escaped the earlier 'festivities' but was instructed to come straight to the dirt patch where the drum banging and dancing was to occur. I should have known it was going to be a shit night when I got the phone call on the way there...

RYOTA (AKA totally incapable twat face)- Corinne? Where are you?? What are you doing? Where are Ashton's nappies?? He did a huge shit!!! Douu shiyoooo???

ME- The nappies and wipes and change of clothes and water and snacks and partridge in a sodding pear tree are all in the brown bag I packed for you to take with you.

TWAT FACE- The bag that's still at FIL's house??

ME- (Contemplating swerving into oncoming traffic) Yes. That one, you big twat. Lucky I'm a total mother and have spare nappies and wipes in my handbag. See you soon, don't let him sit down and smoosh the shit everywhere!!!

Seriously, what does he think I'm doing every time we go out and I pack enough stuff for a small country to survive on? Does he think I do it for fun?? Anyway, got there, changed Ash's nappy and panic was avoided but fuck me men piss me off sometimes!

OK, next was the awkward air between FIL and toothey-chan. They hardly talked at dinner and she even pissed off early to 'go and help out' at the festival, she also didn't come home with us so who knows what's going on there but it was definitely tense. Perhaps FIL has cheated on her too, although wouldn't blame him, she is a bit of a dog, nice enough but incredibly ugly and a bit of a know-it-all.

Back to the title of the post though! Ash ran and danced and played his shitty bum off all night and was basically just a big ball of sweat and toffee apple fuelled energy as we were going home, so when we got to FIL's house he suggested he hop in the bath with Ash, saving us having to do it when we got home. Nice! Sweeeet! One less job for me! And me being, you know, organised and shit, I'd packed his P.J's for this precise reason. So Ash strips off and FIL disappears down the hall to get in the bath with him. Now, this was possibly my fault, as I went into the kitchen to get a drink, but he really should have closed the door, there were two doors he could have closed infact!! As I glanced down the hall, I got a full on view of white, saggy FIL in all his naked glory shuffling into the bath. I pretty much saw all droopy bum, but as he turned to go into the bathroom I got a peek at swingey boy bits before I could look away and let out a little shriek. That image will now and forever be burned into my fragile little brain. Hold me, somebody please hold me.

When I relayed my grossed-out-ness to Ryochan he said he didn't think it was that big of a deal, but when I compared it to him seeing my mum starkers, he was a little creeped out. He should have had a towel on, no!? I'm not a major prude when it comes to nudity, I get my tits out after 2 sips of vodka after all, but FIL was uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of him so you think he'd be a little more careful about flashing his frank and beans while I'm there!?

After I'd recovered a little from the FIL cock incident, I settled down in front of the telly to get my fix of FOX life, which we don't get at home. As I was flicking through the channels Ryota asked me some random question and I turned to answer him but stopped halfway through my answer as all I could hear was "Ahhhhh! Oooooo! *Japanese girl crying noises that I can't describe*!!! Kimochiiiiii!!!" and realised I'd stumbled upon FIL's porn channels! I fumbled to push the 'channel change' button but he has like 4 porn channels on there the filthy bastard! I panicked, then giggled, then Ryochan giggled, then we were both just really grossed out at the thought of FIL wanking, annnnnnd we were silent.

Please God, no more remotely sexual encounters with FIL, please!!!

Friday, 27 August 2010


Is what I am.

I have a hard patch in my tummy at the moment, and no, it's not ripped muscle, despite my shredding efforts, I seriously feel like there's something in my stomach... Tumor? Ball of gas?? Both possible. But if the fucker isn't gone by Monday I'm going to get it checked, despite my fear of hospitals. I should be thankful though, I've eaten next to nothing for about 3 days, I thought it was PMS but this is way different. I got my appetite back today so decided to take Ash to sushi, but got there, ate a few plates, felt sick, went home, chucked it all back again! What a waste. I can tell you too, the anpan I had for breakfast and ebi mayo salad sushi are not pleasant on the way up. The an makes the vomit sticky, the ebi gives it chunks, and the nori makes it green. Lovely stuff.

Ryota and I had a massive argument last night over, fuck, I can't remember what over. All good now.

Went to the big army base festival last night, I put on a cleavage revealing top and slutted myself up to drum up some hot army boy business for the school, maybe that's why Ryochan was pissed...? (considering I went without him...)

Was summoned to the kindy today for some 'hanashi' action, the teachers wanted to grill me on Australia, as they are starting a program to teach the kids about other cultures. Of course this was their roundabout way of getting me to agree to teach English at the kindy, but I knew that from the beginning. So I too, will be wearing the pink apron that makes you look like a big twat and putting on the voice that makes you sound even more twattish. I do love those little kiddies though, so it won't be too bad.

School is going good, got a few more students in and am planning on whorishly plastering my face in the newspaper soon to get some more business...

Ryota is still bitching about his toe but has said he'll just double tape it to go surfing tomorrow. Dickhead.

OK, my two little junior high school girls will be here any minute, happy Friday!

Wednesday, 25 August 2010


And no, I'm not talking about Whiskey, or any other pussy (get your mind out of the gutter!) than the big hunk of man wimp that is my husband.

Ryota looks relatively tough compared to a lot of J-guys, he has reasonably muscly arms, (although they're shrinking as he loses weight!) he's pretty tall, has tattoos, scruffy beard. All signs point to him being pretty hard, however yesterday proved the opposite, I am actually married to a little whiny baby!

Yesterday started as any normal Tuesday, we all stumbled out of bed and got ready, Ryota left for work at about 8, I wrestled Ash off his trike and bribed him to come inside while Grandma contradicted every disciplinary move I made, we finally left for kindy, then I went off for my run and supermarket excursion to clear my head in preparation for work and the general shite I had to do. When I returned to our little dirt path at about 10am I saw Ryota's bike out the front. Now anyone married to a Japanese dude will know that they don't just leave work for no reason, (especially when they work for the government!) they can't just pop home for a cuppa, or chuck a sickie, it's unheard of! (This makes it very easy for us to cheat, no spontaneity!) So I went into panic mode thinking he'd been sucked into a tree chopping machine or something and they'd delivered the bike back home and would come and console me after their own work was finished.

But as I rushed in the door, there he was, with his foot stuck up in the air rummaging through my bag looking for his insurance card. As I searched frantically for bones sticking out of his foot I asked him what was wrong in a frantic voice. He then told me in a very matter of fact way he'd ripped the toenail off his foot. Ouch, right! OK, fair enough, toenail ripping is pretty harsh, but when I scanned his toe for the ragged fleshy spot where his nail used to be, I saw a perfectly intact nail and, I'm going to say, a spatter, of blood. I thought he was being a drama queen already, but I didn't say anything and of course acted the concerned wife and nurse.

He then hopped off to the doctor, claiming he couldn't fit a shoe on his foot so would go barefoot. *rolls eyes*After he came out of the doctor's I asked him about the nail, and as I'd suspected the doctor had called him a big pussy too and told him the nail was, in fact, fine. Despite the positive diagnosis though, Ryota felt he had to milk it some more, and when we went to tsutaya he literally hobbled about 5 steps behind me because I was keen to get into the air conditioning. When he made me take the bandage off before his shower it totally looked fine! Such a baby!

Now, I feel my puppet-mastery skills are really coming on. In the old days, I would have just called him out for being a pussy and he would have either shut down or gotten pissed off. But instead, I casually dropped into the conversation that if his toe was this bad he definitely wouldn't be able to go surfing on Saturday as he'd planned...Amazingly, he made a dramatic recovery after that and stopped with the hobbling bullshit. Why is it that men really are so fucking weak when it comes to injuries and pain, weren't they made as the stronger sex!? I guess women are the only ones who can give birth for a reason though...

Tuesday, 24 August 2010


God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and all the Shinto fuckers as well, because I am NOT, repeat, NOT pregnant! Yeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I feel I should do a tequila shot in the middle of the day out of pure celebration. Who'd have thought bleeding from your vagina for 5 days could be this delightful! (eww sorry, those of you enjoying a morning cuppa and a jam tart...)

So panic over. The way I was talking you'd think pregnant would be the worst thing in the world. Oops, let's hope Ash never reads this! It wouldn't be that bad, but seriously, one unplanned "surprise" is careless, two is just stupidity. In my defense, I was on antibiotics which I was thinking may have screwed with the pill, and we've been doing an unusual amount of shagging lately, so I was a bit worried.

There were many reasons why being pregnant would have been royally shit, including; The wrath of my best friend- Her wedding is next August so if I had been pregnant I probably still would have been carrying about 400 extra kgs of baby weight and still walking around like a penguin with a sore, stitched up minge. Plus the whole plane trip with a two and a half year old and a two month old. My best friend is one of those over-achieving perfect people who would have been totally devo-ed if I'd declined the bridesmaid invitation, plus she specifically told me she would come and smack me in the head if I happened to get pregnant and mess with her fairytale wedding!
The other main reason being pregnant would suck at the moment is the school. We're on our feet but we still need time to get more students and establish a good base to start saving money to pay for surfboard habits and the like, so to get knocked up now would just totally fuck with all the school plans too.
Another thing that I was thinking about as I was tossing and turning last night was the whole logistics of another person in our bed. Last night I had the cat asleep on my head, Ash wriggling his way in to my big spoon taking half the futon, and Ryota's legs sprawled out over mine. Imagine another little mini human latched on to my tit, impossible!
And finally, the thought of giving birth still sends me into a cold sweat. I literally have sweaty palms thinking about pushing another head out. What was god thinking when he went with the size of heads and vaginas, seriously!?

I honestly think the thought of being pregnant this time was 5 million fucking times scarier than it was the first time too, just because now I know how hard it is, whereas I was blissfully unaware two years ago. So in celebration here is my 'easy way out of blogging list' for today...

The top 5 things that the pregnancy books don't but should tell you...

1) The birth is always worse/more painful/more energy sucking/more fucked up than you could ever imagine. Always!

2) You bleed like a mother fucker for ages after giving birth. Not a slight dribble either, like gushing, flowing blood. (Seriously, just throw the jam tart away)

3) Newborn babies are the most boring, yet time and energy consuming little bleeders ever. They shit and piss and cry and sleep. They remind me of leeches.

4) The sleep deprivation will drive you insane. To the point where you will want to jump off the nearest bridge or under the closest train. You never sleep when the baby does, because that's the time you do every other thing you have to do like tending to bleeding nipples, brushing your teeth for the first time in 3 weeks or taking a shower by yourself.

5) Kids bleed you dry in every respect. Your tits, your wallet, your space, your time. Another human will become totally dependant on you for basically the rest of your life.

So despite, these points, when they grow up a bit, it is all worth it. I don't know if it will be worth it enough to go through it again, but Ryota informed me last night that it was all good if I was actually preggers, he still wants 4 kids. Ha! Of course if it was up to me I'd adopt a few more orphaned kids and be done, but then, as MIL pointed out, they wouldn't be halfuus, and that would be such a waste of my foreign genes...

Monday, 23 August 2010

Am I getting older..

or are Japanese girls just getting more annoying??

We went out for the night (and into the next day) for our friend's birthday on Saturday, was lovely! Hotel drinking, Mexican restaurant eating and drinking, club drinking, dancing drinking, bar drinking, then back to the hotel for Aquarius and snickers. I didn't actually get half as sloshed as I had anticipated, am getting weak in my old age, after we got to the all-you-can-drink club I actually switched to Oolong cha. (Fuck, reading over that, I actually have turned into one of the J-girls I'm about to bitch about!) I guess not drinking 12 beers a night and surviving on 2 hours sleep every night really does lower your tolerance! Either that or I'm pregnant, but that's a post for a day when I'm not so shit scared I can't even write about it.

It was great to just talk and laugh and drink and be child/husband-free. We all got to do some bitching and be ourselves, really need to do it more often! I think the next one may be for my birthday, so I have vowed to get so fucked up I vomit up my spleen, cos, you know, that's what you do when you're young and stupid. (And not pregnant, dear God please not pregnant!!)

So back to the fucking Japanese women. I used to be very tolerant of Japanese girls at clubs, I thought they were cute and pretty and, well, J-girls. But they annoyed the shit out of me on Saturday. I can't quite put my finger on it and maybe because it was because most of them were like, 12 and I haven't been clubbing in so long. I'm honestly too busy with work to go into all the details, so let me take the easy way out.

Top 5 things that annoy me about J-girls at clubs...

1) They talk to you in the toilet. Fucking piss and go love, I really don't want or need you to squeal in delight at the fact that I'm not Japanese.

2)They let gross gaijin guys stick their gross gaijin tongues down their throats. (gaijin guy bashing post coming later this week, as long as I'm not pregnant...) Grow some fuckin balls and give him a swift kick in the nuts, don't just giggle!

3) They wear ridiculous outfits. Wearing a skirt smaller than my hankie is not helping in the gross gaijin guy magnet department.

4) They're all self-conscious dancers. I think there are two categories of dancers, one is the really self-conscious ones who, move about a centimetre to each side with their eyes darting around to make sure nobody is looking at them, and the other category are the show girls, who will feel up their equally show-girlish friend and be all lesbian with them. Either way, all of them dance like it's for someone else.

5) They push in the line to the bar and then think it's OK to just be cute and speak English to you. "Fuck off to the back of the line whore-bag!" I wonder if they would still want to chat if I said that...

OK that's enough bitterness for one day, off to pray to the gods that I am in fact not pregnant. Pray for me and my potentially fertilised soul!!

Friday, 20 August 2010

Back away from my language man!

As I'm sure you'll be totally enthralled to know, Ash has started speaking. Not like political debate type sentences or anything, but random words, and he's copying words a bit too. (Dangerous, as I say fuck at least 15 times a day.) He sometimes says things that resemble words but are more like organised gibberish, but the other night, when I pulled out his sickeningly cute kindy hat he pointed at it, and in a very clear, big voice said, "BOU-SHI!" (HAT). It actually shocked the hell out of me, how did this little ball of lard turn into a walking, talking, mini-human so damn quick!?

Of course I praised him for his language win, but then I got defensive. Why did he say it in Japanese first? This really shouldn't get me so miffed, we live in Japan, he goes to a Japanese speaking kindergarten, all his relatives apart from me speak Japanese to him. Why am I surprised, pissed off even??

I tried to get him to say "hat" I even poked his fat little belly in an effort to persuade him to say it in English, but there was no eigo love, it was all about the Japanese. I think it pisses me off most when I'm at the in-law's house. MIL isn't too bad, if she knows the English word she'll say it after she says the Japanese word (granted, in a horribly katakana accent, but still, better than nothing, no?), so at least she tries. She also supports me somewhat when I try to tell him something in English, like she'll ask me what it means and try and remember it.
Grandma is the one that pisses me off most. I get that she's old, she doesn't want to learn any other bastard language that isn't her own, and fair play to her. But just a teeeensy bit of support would be good. For example, Ash knows the word "momo" (peach) very well, so last night I was trying to get him to say peach...

Me: (pointing to the book) What's this Ash?

Ash: Mo mo!

Me: Yeah, good job! In English, it's PEACH, can you say peach??

Grandma: (Who I thought was watching TV but obviously was keeping one eye on her great-grandson's brain being infected with foreign languages) もも!もも!ね~アシュくん、ももね!

The rough translation is: momo! It's momo isn't it Ash! (With the implied meaning, you don't need to learn that other filthy foreign word, ignore your mummy and keep saying momo!) If she's not going to help me teach him English, she really needs to zip it in my opinion! Maybe I should hide her teeth in the middle of the night so she won't be able to talk properly... You know, just for a day or two...

I've never been a bi-lingual nazi, I'm all about the natural course of things when it comes to language. If I couldn't speak Japanese at all I'd definitely be making more effort to teach him English, but seeing as though communication in one or the other language probably isn't going to be such a problem I really wasn't that worried. Saying that though, I want to give him maximum opportunities to be exposed to English as I can, just to help him along the way. I say that, but now I'm getting language jealousy whenever he says something in Japanese.

He also says "Taaa-chiiii", which is supposed to be "touch" which in normal Englishey type words is "high five" but this one pisses me off too. Don't fucking steal English words and then use them as you want. Touch is not the same as high five people! I guess I just have to be consistent and keep plodding along giving him as much English as possible, either that or accidentally flush Grandma's teeth down the dunny...

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Sorry to keep you hangin'

But that was really the point. The random gaijin dude came in, said he'd seen me a few times before, (crrreeeeeppppyyyy!) then I asked him a few questions about where he worked, pretending like I cared... and the rest was umming and ahhing. If he'd swooped in swiftly with the 'fellow gaijin acknowledgement' and then pissed off back where he came from it may have actually restored my faith in gaijin men in general, but he stood around for at least 20 minutes making my life just that much more awkward. He was also dripping sweat on my floor. Not cool buddy!

I drafted a sign but I figured locking the door would be easier. Although it really doesn't stop random fuckers from tapping on the glass at any time of the day. They may just smile and wave, stop and chat or actually come in and sit down, it varies. I really am living the 'gaijin monkey' dream here at my little school. I guess that's what you get for having blond hair and big glass doors...

Really not that much more going down over here in the Vinegar Arrow household... Am looking forward to a few things we have planned... Saturday night some of the Kansai pisshead girls and I are out for the night dancing and drinking, heading over to the very kind and generous L's house from Colorbynumbers next month for a day or two, doing a trip to Thailand in April for a week where I intend to be massaged and estee-ed until my body can take no more pampering, and then trip home for exactly a year from today for best friend's wedding who has informed me she will be making the bridesmaid's dresses herself, my squidgy bits will probably be hanging out of an unfinished seam but we will see.

I'll leave you with a family photo that sits on my desk at work, isn't my husband a fucking hottie!?

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

The random awkward gaijin drop-in...

Was sitting at the school doing some work last night at about 8:30 when the door opened. Of course, after weeing my pants a little bit and turning down the Britney Spears that was blaring, I discovered it wasn't a random Obachan, nor a wanking mental boy, but... dahhh dummm. A GAIJIN!!!

What the hell man!? You're not supposed to come and talk to me, it's written in the gaijin code that we are to all ignore each other unless introduced by a mutual friend. After I got over the initial gaijin shock I had to deal with the fact that I was dressed in my sleeping get-up which consists of: no bra, singlet, stripey pants, socks, (yes, even in this heat, I have a thing about dirty feet *eye ticks*) and grandma's old green plastic slippers. (You all know the ones!) I had also just had a shower so was working the 'drowned rat' hairstyle and panda eyes from not washing my make-up off properly. He must have thought I was some kind of scrubber gaijin who had somehow washed up in our little town.

Can I just say, it was so fucking awkward. With no Britney going it was totally silent, and I honestly just did not know what to say. The first thing that popped into my mind was Captain Awkward, if I may coin the term from Mr Salaryman. This dude has obviously been in Japan for as long as me because he was really lacking in the keeping the convo going skills, which is fine, but go home if you're not going to be chatty mother fucker, this is my school! I ended up just looking down at his business card that he'd given me and making random Japanese 'filler' noises like "Fuuuuuuunnnn" and "eeeeeehhh" for sheer lack of not knowing what else to say. Have my communication skills really sunk to the level of not knowing what to say to someone who speaks the same language as me and obviously has a lot in common with me!? Maybe it's because I was so unprepared, err, yeah, I'm sure that was it...

I'm contemplating locking the door of a night. Either that or posting a sign on the door that says, "Keep out dirty-blooded gaijin, go sniffing for stimulating conversations elsewhere!!"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

See what happens...

when you get a damn cat!? You neglect your blog in favour of shampooing and feeding and falling asleep with a purring kitten on your belly!

So yes, we are now the proud owners of our little kitty, Whiskey. I called her whiskey for a few reasons: 1) I needed to down a few litres of the stuff considering I was getting in to a kitten adopting type situation.
2) Her stripes are whiskey-coloured.
OH, and 3) BIL wanted to call her "sabu" after dead Ojiichan because it was Obon when I rescued her and so Ojiichan MUST have been coming home.
Errr, fuck that BIL, I am not calling MY cat, whom everyone else wanted to throw back in to the dark night all by herself after Ojiichan, sorry mate, noooooot happening. If any one's dead relos are being honoured, it's mine!

So basically, all day Saturday, everyone on our dirt path street had heard or seen the kitty all day but every fucker chose to ignore the poor little bugger hoping someone else would deal. The crazy dog lady on the corner gave her some ham but that was all she'd had in god knows how long, so she was pretty scrawny but very affectionate and not crawling with fleas or anything. So I stayed for about 3 hours on Saturday night cuddling her and contemplating how to approach Ryota. He came outside at regular intervals to smoke and every time was like "Akan de!!!","Corinne, no! Definitely not!!" , "Doooouuuu suru!?", "I SAID NO!!" and that went on until I finally accepted that we wouldn't be keeping her and let the big crocodile tears roll down my cheeks. Of course inside I knew Ryota would come around, the tears were just that extra little push. Of course Whiskey, right on cue took that oppourtunity to do a little "meow" and rub up against Ryota's legs at the same time. Ryota then said "Don't cry!! Crying is sneaky!!" I don't know if he was But I could see in his eyes that the deal was done.

As much as I wanted to keep her, I'm honestly not a pet type person, pets rate on the same scale as pot plants for me, annoying and just not worth it. But Whiskey really is a little sweetheart, always wanting cuddles and really no trouble at all. We were all eating dinner tonight and Ryota and I were marvelling at how much of a "typical" family we've become.. Cat, kids, fish, responsible car... If his surfboards/skateboards and my empty wine bottles weren't lying around the house you'd actually think we were mature, responsible adults! Ha!

The whole in-law house is now in love with Whiskey too but the fuckers were completely cold when I was lobbying to keep her. Grandma flat out refused to talk to me, MIL started listing the reasons why it wasn't a good idea in a really whiney voice and even rang the pound to see how long they keep cats before they kill them, (3 days in case you were wondering! HARSH!!) BIL was all about calling it Sabu or letting it back into the wild. Actually, the only person on my side, by some miracle, was alien SIL! I guess she doesn't just restrict the weird love for her dog, she's into all animals. Wow, I better keep Whiskey tucked up at night, SIL might come in looking to pash her or something...

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Oh my god, Jen B was right!!!

It started with a few measly fucking festival fish, and now we have adopted a freaking stray cat! We've gone from being 'non-pet people' to stocking up on supplies for two different fucking species on our day off. I blame Cassie and her dr Doolittle type influences...

Whole long drawn out mother of a story to come tomorrow!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Almost as good as a list!

So Ryota and I had our first surfing related big argument last night, wooo, not virgins any more! It really shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but it was, although all sorted now so no worries.

Basically, Ryota planned to go surfing today with his brother, BFF, (who I should clarify for Laura, is in fact a guy, I just call him 'the bitch' because he does resemble a whining little girl most of the time!)and his work mate. Which is cool, but if Ryota's going surfing, there is no way I'm staying home all day with a bored toddler, especially in summer when walking to, well, anywhere, is impossible. So if Ryota goes surfing, Ash and I go on a date. Coffee, toys 'r' us, park or somewhere kid-friendly. I mentioned this to Ryota and he went all mental on me saying "You're making me feel guilty like I'm going to scar Ash for life for not spending Saturday with him!!!" But this wasn't even what the fight was about, but the guilt he was feeling was definitely a contributing factor obviously.

So about 10pm last night I called MIL to see if she was working in the morning, she said she was, so I asked Ryota how he was getting to the beach and he replied, "by car.." Thanks for that smart arse, I actually meant WHO'S car. (That was the beginning of the end) Now our car barely fits my extended gaijin limbs so 4 surf boards, Ryota's ego, 4 boys and all that testosterone is literally impossible, so if he goes surfing he always takes MIL's biggish car and leaves our little one for her to use. On weekdays this isn't a problem, but on Saturdays I go on a date with Ash... Can you see where this is going? MIL was going to take our little car to work and Ryota was going to take her car to the beach, leaving me and Ash stuck at home with nothing but buzz lightyear and our one remaining live fishy (yup, they all died except one!!). So I was pretty pissed, but kept it inside in my true passive aggressive form, in the end though, I couldn't help it and basically told him I was pissed I'd be stuck at home while he was out surfing, but that I'd get over it so don't worry. He then went all hissy fit on me and threatened to cancel and break his surf board in two. Drama queen much!?

We went to bed pissed at each other but I woke up to this...

Damn it, I can't flip the fucker, but I'll point out the highlights...

"If you don't like I'm going to surfing tell me, "Let's thinking about for my surfing future." I'm not sick but I love surfig now."

Awww, it's so dramatic and Ryo-chan style. Let's hope no potential students read this though, VERY bad advertisement for an English teacher...

So I think I shall tell him that his 'surfing future' is safe, as long as I have a car and some place to go so I don't get beach jealousy. We've also solved our problems by agreeing we'll go to the beach together next weekend and I'm going to give long boarding a crack, who knows, even I may have a surfing future!

Friday, 13 August 2010

I'm really not sure...

which is better. Being pissed off, or feeling guilty...?

The transition of 'working father breadwinner, stay at home mummy' to 'both mummy and daddy working their bums off and kid dumped at school' has actually gone surprisingly well for us, much better than I thought, although as I have mentioned before, I still feel that I get saddled with most of the housework. It has taken me just over 2 months to realise that this problem is easily solved by me just not doing it and seeing what happens.

I don't mind doing housey type stuff if I have time, like today was relatively free, so I did all the washing, vacuuming and washing up (while watching trashy TV, bonus!).
Yesterday, however was a different story, I had a lot of lessons in the day and the night and I really only had a few free hours to eat, get Ash off to kindy blah blah blah. Ryota had taken the day off, "awwww" you say, nice husband stayed home to help his poor wifey out because she's working when every other fucker in Japan is either relaxing somewhere cool or taking my fucking English lesson!? How sweeet!! Wrong. Fucker took the day off to go surfing!

But whatever, it's the same difference to me, I wouldn't have been able to spend any time with him anyway, he would get his surfing hit and he would have been out of my hair for the day. If only it had turned out that way... There was some typhoon hanging around the area and when he woke up at 4am to drive 3 prefectures over to his surfing spot it was lashing rain so after consulting with his surfing bitch (BFF) they decided to fuck the surfing off for the day and go on Saturday instead. This arrangement is the shittiest possible outcome for me, I had to work yesterday, WITH husband hanging around making the place look untidy and sulking because he couldn't go surfing, AND I also have to work AND look after Ash on Saturday while he and the bitch go off to hang ten or whatever they do.

But again, I was pretty cool with it, I am a laid-back Aussie after all, no Nazi Japanese-wifey type behaviour, just an accepting nod as I rushed around hanging the washing out and thinking about dinner. I didn't even start to get pissed off until I looked at the clean washing piled up to the ceiling ready to be folded and Ryota ensconced in a surfing video. Seriously!? So, laid-back Aussie went to shit and I started on a passive-aggressive housework crusade, you know, when you hurriedly do everything with a stressed out look on your face and every movement is exaggerated for effect. I think it took about 5 drawer slams before he got the point and turned the cunting video off to come and help me. I then decided he could fend for himself for dinner as I wouldn't be home until 7 and was just planning on having toast. He then offered to cook dinner, for all of us, that never fucking happens! So I agreed but had little thoughts off how much of a mess he was going to make and what he was going to discover lurking in the crisper that I hadn't thrown out to nag me about. But I just agreed to keep the peace, and was kind of looking forward to not have to cook!

So when I got home, sure enough, the kitchen was a mess, the rest of the house even messier, Ashton not bathed and general chaos, BUT dinner was waiting for me! A first in my married life I believe! It was omuraisu, which is pretty easy, but something no matter how hard I try, can't cook the bastard. It was great, but I kept feeling the need to apologise for making him cook and that I felt bad! How does this work!? He had the day off, it's not like he had anything else to do, but the female-ness in me just felt that he shouldn't be in the kitchen. Isn't that bizarre?? Is it because I'm in Japan?? I'm sure I had no problem with my ex-boyfriends cooking for me, I didn't feel guilty then!? It was at that point that I asked myself, Would I rather the shittiness of having to do everything in the house and the school and fulfill my gaijin/wifey duties? or, be less stressed about the house stuff but feel guilty and live up to the 'ballsey gaijin' image...?

I'm really torn, maybe the fact that this is what he presented for my dinner didn't help...

Maybe if he just wasn't so damn nice about it!

Thursday, 12 August 2010

The great pot plant incident of 2010.

I think I've done it, I've managed to not only kill 3 fish in 2 days, but also to rock our little patch of dirt path with what could be a full-scale neighborhood brawl! Go me.

So here's what happened, yesterday as I was coming home on my bicycle, I clipped our neighbour's pot plant. (This is crazy cat lady who possibly shags her cat more than SIL shags Ra-ru, they should form some sort of club together...) Can I just say, in my defence, the fucking plant was in my direct line of bicycle path and is one of about 5 fucking billion cluttering our little dirt path. If all the fuckers on our dirt path got rid of their plants. I swear to god a car may just be able to comfortable fit down our street. So I stacked it into the fucker, and of course, as in slow motion, the pot toppled and teeter tottered on the verge of falling as I let out a lengthy "Nooooooooo!!!!" and tried to save the bastard with the back of my leg in some twisted hackie-sack move. I was unsuccessful.
Plant fell, and soil went all over the bastard place, the pot was actually totally empty when I finally got off the bike to survey the damage. Now, as I had run in to the plant, I had been saying good morning to Korean lady across the way, (If you've read previous posts on my kooky neighbours, you'll know cat fucker lady and Korea are arch rivals due to some business about Korea trying to crack on to Cat fucker's husband) so I don't know if she felt partly responsible or was just trying to help a fellow gaijin out, but she immediately rushed over to help me. Normally, this wouldn't be so unusual, very neighbourly like and all, but if cat fucker knew Korea was on her side of the dirt path then she would probably come at her with a meat clever so big ups to Korea-chan for sticking her neck out for me. As we both desperately shovelled soil back in to the pot with our bare hand we conversed in hushed whispers as to not alert cat fucker, and Korea kept popping her head up like a mere cat to check she wasn't on her way out of the house. If my heart hadn't been racing in genuine terror at the thought of me causing neighbourhood unrest, I would have been giggling.

After much hushed discussion on which side of the pot the tiny plant had been on and if she would notice the huge soil stain on the concrete that still remained, Korea and I parted ways in the knowledge that we now had a neighbourhood secret to keep. I went home and washed the soil off my hands but it was impossible to wash the stain of guilt and dread that this may cause much more tension in our small world of vicious neighbourly politics...

Now Korea and I had thought our dirty little secret was safe, but I guess we were being naive, about an hour later, Grandma came over...

GRANDMA: You knocked over the plant, didn't you!

ME: (Choking on my coffee) Err, what? Ahh what plant..? Ummm,.... Yeah, I did.

GRANDMA: You have to go and apologise before too much time goes by!!

ME: How did you know anyway!?

GRANDMA: I was on the veranda watching you.

Errr, comforting Grandma, were you a spy in your more sprightly days!? I swear that woman usually makes so much noise on the damn veranda, she must have been peeking through the futons at us! She then walked me through the apology procedure, basically, she was going to knock on cat fucker's door and do all the talking, I was to nod, agree and bow in agreement at what a stupid twat I am for running into her beloved pot plant. She also specified that we were not going to use big voices because then Korea would hear and get her nose out of joint that we were going behind her back and admitting guilt.

So, I did as I was told but it didn't fucking matter anyway, Cat fucker had witnessed the whole thing!!! She had been hiding behind the bamboo screens and watching our every guilty move! She was very nice on the outside and said not to worry, that it was her fault it was so far out and in the way. But I KNOW, I know she now sees me as Korea side. She made about 10 bitchy comments about Korea-chan in the space of about 3 minutes and said it was her fault for always trying to cover things up. So maybe I'll just be a pawn in the whole Cat fucker vs Korea chess game??

The offending pot plant has now been moved anyway, got to love living in a semi-country tiny neighbourhood eh. Hang on, why...?

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

All toilet bowls lead to the ocean, right...?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Drinkies and fishies and monkies, oh my...

Look! My fishies have a home, not just any home either, a big arse playboy mansion type home!!

Ryota must have sensed my anxiety yesterday because when I got home last night this big arse tank complete with pump and rocks, and food and stuff was in the genkan! I'm definitely more excited to try and look after them now, at least if one of them do die, we can just replace it! That grimy little box we had them in was just way too 'kawaisou', even if I do use the most annoying word in the world myself.

Last night I met up with Green eyed Geisha and her beau for dinner and drinks in Osaka. I have to say I was a little nervous before I went, GEG is the very first blog I ever read about Japan, I was addicted to her dry sense of humour and wit from the very first time I read her and it was a little intimidating to meet her in person after reading for so long! But I can say without a doubt that she is just as charming, hilarious and lovely as I could ever have imagined, I had a great night and wish we could meet up more often. (My MIL was also nervous when I said I was meeting a 'blog person,' she said if it was a dirty old man with a fetish for gaijin I should call her immediately, and Grandma suggested I take BIL as an escort!) Another reason I was nervous I guess is the fact that being with someone with no kids was like reverting back to my old life, possibly being in my old Osaka stomping ground reminded me of those days too. Part of me wanted to fuck the last train off and go and get fucked up at an izakaya until 8 in the morning, but responsible me took over and had me home not too late and/or sozzled.

Being a gaijin is all about identity and when you have a halfuu with you, there is no hiding what you are, no mystery. You are nothing but a mother, in Japan for the long run.
But when you're simply a girl who looks different to everyone else people wonder what your story is, Has she been here long? Does she work here? Is she a tourist? Does she want to teach me English for free? Is she Russian?? I don't know which one is worse: being put in the mother box, or being surrounded in mystery with no clear role... Something to ponder anyway. If I realised one thing, it's that I really really miss living in the city. The bright lights, big haired girls and convenience of every kind on every street corner, from hair brading salons to blow job shops, I miss it!!! (Well, not the blow job shops so much but...) This point was cemented firmly when on the way home from our car park to the house, a big slimy frog jumped out of the rice paddy in front of us. Lucky the fucker didn't get my foot, it would have been kicked into the next prefecture.

Oops, almost forgot the last bit of the title... This week is Obon, so we had to pray for Grandpa's soul this morning, the monk was doing his chanting gig when I slipped in quietly after I'd been running. (much to Grandma's dismay!) The monk finished his little drum banging, chanting spiel and actually physically jumped when he saw me, turned to MIL and said: "What the fuck, who is she?! I can't speak English!!" He was so panicked, I think he just got a shock because he's known the family for so long and had never met me, he started sweating even more (I didn't even know that was possible) and still wasn't even assured when I introduced myself IN JAPANESE!! Ryota's uncle who is very very blunt said to him: "What the hell is wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a gaijin before?! If you're so fucking freaked out you should go to her English school and learn something!" Fucking love uncle, even with his rough, scary voice and portable oxygen tank!

OK, I best go stare at my little fishies for a bit, I swear they know it's me, whenever I peek in, they go to one side of the playboy mansion to greet me!

Monday, 9 August 2010

A sign that you definitely should not have more kids any time soon...

I can safely say, I'm bon odori-ed out. Done. No. Fucking. More!

On Friday night we went to the bigg-ish bon odori a bit away from our house, and it was pretty good actually. MIL, BIL, Ryota and I all went looking like a Thai family: Ryota and BIL on the bike together, me with Ash on the bicycle, although he got scooter jealousy halfway there and insisted he ride on the front of MIL's scooter at ridiculous speeds. (Lucky Japan doesn't have an equivalent of DOCS...) We were all packed together as well because they felt bad I had to ride the push bike, but I actually would have rathered that they just go ahead, I felt the pressure to pedal really hard and got all sweaty before I even got there!

When we got there, the obligatory flashy shite was bought for Ash, the obligatory Yakisoba for BIL, and the obligatory beer for me. Ash was fully getting in to the dancing and having a lovely time running in front of old ladies dancing their bums off. Very funny to watch. I met a few of my students and of course I got all the 'OHMYGODTHERE'SAGAIJINOVERTHHHHEEEEERRRREEE' stares and occasional pushes from old men for me to dance.

It started to piss me off a bit, MIL kept saying, "YOU have to dance!!!" And I was all, "Why me? I'm not even freaking Japanese, if anyone should be dancing the traditional Japanese dances, it should be you fuckers!!" Her response was that I would look cute if I fucked up, where as she would look like a dick with no respect for her own culture! Fair play MIL, fair play.
MIL's sister was one of the dancing ladies and she'd been to lessons and all, so I decided next year, I'll go to the lessons with her and shock all of them with my great dancing skills. (Well at least I'll have some idea of the steps anyway)
After everyone had had their kakigori fill we made our way home, again with the Thai-like influence, except this time I made BIL ride the bicycle so I could joyride on the big bike with Ryota.

The next night, Saturday, we had awesome yakiniku (or yakki-nakki as my mum would say) with Sassymoo and her King N. The meat was awesome and I had about 6 beers which got me pretty fucked up, lucky we went home pretty early or else I would have been vomiting all over the shop the next day! Ryota kept ordering copious amounts of food every time the waiter came with something, I think we possibly ordered about 33 servings of yaki-shabu, not joking either! I'll definitely be going there again though.

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day, was at FIL's house all day parading Ash around for them. I was insanely bored though, Ryota went to sleep and Ash was keeping FIL and his mistress-turned-wife busy so I was left to either watch bad TV or sleep too. After many hours of twiddling my thumbs I actually did have a nap and woke up with Ash asleep on my leg and everyone else passed out too. Sunday night was sushi for dinner, but not just any sushi, was seriously the BEST sushi I've ever had, the bill came to about $250 so glad I wasn't paying, but god damn it was awesome! I can safely say, this weekend, I must have eaten about 4 cows and 50 fish!
And speaking of fish...... The reason I am soooo over the bon odoris... Last night, after the orgasm inducing sushi, we could hear the indian wails of music coming from the local primary school down the road, and Grandma was all, "I might die before next year, let's go!!" Inspiring grandma, thanks for that morbid thought!
Anyway, Ryota and I junkened and I lost so I had to go too, despite just wanting to fall in to bed. When we got there, there was no place for a gaijin to hide, it was a full on attack from various neighbourhood heavy weights who kept asking me random questions, and one lady even got me to write down the kanji of our name so she could research us, I was impressed though, 5 minutes later she came back and told me our complete family history and that she actually knew MIL! We also ran into a man I call 'the pineapple man' because he told me a story about a pineapple for over 20 minutes that I understood about 10% of once. He's very old, and does the farming in our little neighbourhood. He kept wanting to touch my arms and was practically forcing beer down my throat. I was hoping SIL would save me at some point but she just didn't get the pleading looks I was throwing her, or was enjoying my pain, one of the two.

I managed to escape the pineapple man for a few minutes using the excuse that I was going to get Ash a toy, which was complete BS because I hadn't even brought my wallet, but as I should have known, halfuuu kids really don't need money at bon odoris. Ash walked away with a balloon, 7 bouncy balls, a flashy thing and 10 goldfish.
Now this is where the title of the post comes in, as Ash was shaking the bag with the goldfish in it, I got all panicky and got the distinct feeling that I didn't want the responsibility of keeping 10 little fishies alive. I tried to pawn them off to the in-laws saying we didn't have a tank, but as I was making excuses, Grandma pulled a tank (out of her arse it would seem) complete with fishy food and all. I was still anxious though and seriously got scared that I was going to kill one of the poor little things!

Ryota told me that if they die from baby shaking or other such festival related illness they usually die by the next morning so I made him check the tank this morning, I couldn't look. This is how our conversation went:

HIM: They're still alive, all of them!!
ME: Are you sure, none of them are floating, can I look now!?
HIM: Yup, they're all fine, and they even survived with this shit Ash must have thrown in last night, (it was a straw) they're tough little buggers!

I was very relieved that they survived, but still have fears one of them will die under my watch. Even today, I think they need a bigger tank, poor little things keep running in to each other! I started thinking that if fish made me nervous, another baby is DEFINITELY going to freak me out, so no more children until I can confidently keep fish I think!

What the gaijin girl does when she's bored...

Is this not the campest position buzz lightyear could be in!?

Bored gaijin+sleepy boring family= bored gaijin contorting dolls into gay/sexual positions.

That is all.

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Saturday, 7 August 2010

An ode to SIL...

Oh SIL, how doth thou annoy me, let me count the ways...

OK, enough with the shakespeary talk because I don't even know if that is right!

It has become clear now that the main attraction of my blog is not me, (the diva star of the whole flipping show) not Ryota, (although with his lists and cockiness is a close second) not Ash, (the chubby little halfuuu who is used to getting all the attention) but my SIL, with her blatant racism, weirdness and general ridiculousness! Well, the people have spoken, so today is a tribute post to her in bullet point form, reminding you of just how much of a freak she is, and also some new opinions and comments that have recently spewed from her mouth...

  • SIL's real name is Uru, a very unusual name in Japan, but her family call her Uuko, which resembles the word Unko (shit) so I guess her name really is quite fitting!

  • I have mentioned this many times before, but seriously, the weird and freaky obsession with the family dog is not getting any better. She not only lets him sniff and lick her used underwear, (GAG!!!!! ) but she also has claimed she will eat him when he dies so he can stay inside her forever, gives him full on mouth kisses quite frequently and further minces his already minced dog food with her bare hands. The girl has got a problem.

  • When asked about the gaijin rights issues, she said that if gaijin couldn't speak Japanese then they shouldn't be entitled to anything. Harsh much?

  • She also said that western gaijin from America, Australia etc. were waaaaaay different from Asian gaijin, she said that Asian gaijin only marry Japanese blokes for their money or a visa and should not be allowed to come to Japan, she firmly believes there should be a law in place so that if, say, a Korean woman really falls in love with a Japanese man, they should live in Korea and keep their filthy Asian ways out of this fair country. (Her words, not mine!)

  • The tattoo debate was a little more disappointing, she is very open minded on tattoos and actually wants to get one on her arm, can you guess what of!? Ohhhhh yes, the dog's name, which is Ralph in normal people language, but has morphed into some horribly twisted Japanese katakana concoction of Ra-ru or Ra-chan, so she has decided if she ever gets a tattoo, it will be R A R U in a love heart. Kill. Me. Now.

  • Her boss (she works in a nail salon) will come to the school for a lesson on Monday, which is great! But SIL has given me a lecture on what to say about her Korean roots. Her boss's great Grandparents were Korean, and I tell you, this KILLS SIL, the fact that she is working for a 'Korean' woman must stab her every time she clocks in. The woman's name is Hitomi, yeah, reaaaalllll Korean!

  • She has a horribly habit of lately coming in to our house like some sort of stealth spy, opening the door sooo quietly and then just sneaking in, she did this yesterday when I happened to be passed out on the floor trying to cool down after my run in nothing but my bright pink bonds undies. Fucking make some noise when you come in girl!!!!

  • She considered taking Ash to the pool with her but made the statement of "Hmmm I don't think I'll take him, if he dies or something I'll be to blame..."

  • Last week she gave Ash coffee. Right before bed. Who the fuck gives a 1 year old coffee anyway!!!??? I have now enforced a strict NO COFFEE FOR THE BABY rule.

  • I still think she is a closeted lesbian and am just waiting for the day she comes out to Grandma. Despite using the cover of loving Kimutaku, I know it must be lesbianism or beastiality, one of the two.

OK, let's leave it there for today, there is lots more but I'll save it for another tribute post. I say she annoys me but I shouldn't diss her too much, she's offered to take Ash to a bon odori tonight while I get on the lash with Sassymoo, so thank you for not only looking after my son (NO FUCKING COFFEE!!) but also for the blog material SIL!

Friday, 6 August 2010

Temporary technical eye difficulties...

OK, was going to do a big long post about SIL as promised complete with pictures of her humping her dog but the weirdest thing is happening to my eye. Just the left one is like it's filled with water, but doesn't hurt, like I don't need to blink, it's just like my sight is all .... watery...?! What the fuck, am I about to have a heart attack or something!? Is it really fatty food withdrawal!? It's scaring the fuck out of me, maybe I shouldn't spend too much time staring at computer screens and my iphone... The watery effect does resemble the little symbol on the iphone when it's loading a page. Scary.

Anyway, so yeah, will be a quickie, I promise SIL hilarity soon though.

I'm not usually one for sharing baby stories on my blog, I find most of them slightly boring, I can only imagine how mind-numbing it must be for someone reading about them, but there was a point this morning that I just have to share with you.
First of all I should say, having a child has been the most life altering, stressful, sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrific experience of my life. But sometimes, not often, but often enough, there is a moment where you go, "Oh fuck, having him was so worth it, just for this moment!"

Ash and I were still snuggled up under the covers this morning with air con blasting (bite me eco people, try living in Osaka heat for a while and see how you go!) and savouring that last 15 minutes snuggling before we had to wake up. Ryota had gone downstairs earlier to get ready for work and I was awake but not ready to get up, Ash was in that cuddly, but almost waking up stage. Anyway, Ash stretches and lets a massive fart rip, like it was an adult sounding fart, huge! I had a giggle but was totally shocked when he got up on his knees, eyes still closed, held his nose in a 'that fucking stinks' motion, pointed to Ryota's futon and said "DADDY!!" Then went back to sleep!

How awesome is my kid!? He blames someone else for farting, IN HIS SLEEP! I must admit, Ryota is the main farting offender in our house, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it was just one of those times where you think to yourself, 'Fuck me I love this kid.'

OK, must go, heart attack imminent, think I'll go close my eyes for a few minutes and see how I go!

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Must be the cholesterol withdrawls...

because I'm feeling particularly mushy today!

I even cried when I watched Grey's anatomy this morning, I HATE Grey's fucking anatomy!

The past few days I've been feeling a little bit empty and flat, one of my friends who is just nothing but a wonderful person has had some fucking awful shitty crap thrown at her lately, she knows who she is, and most of you probably reading this know too, and if you don't know then it's not really important, but fuck, after all that I don't really know if I know myself now.
Anyway, the shitty stuff she's going through has been weighing on my mind, but the gaijin wifey/mummy/girl power community has really stepped up, and I'm so proud to be a part of a group that is not often seen that much but really knows how to support each other. I'm glad that if anything fucked up ever happened to me, I wouldn't have my family here, but I'd have the gaijin ladies ready and willing to support me/bash someones skull in etc. etc.

I've heard about bitchiness within the gaijin lady community before but honestly I've never seen anything but support in times when people really need it. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say that you are all awesome! *sniff!

OK, mushiness out of the way, let me give myself a firm slap across the face for 1) being so emotional and girly! and 2) for totally being Japanese and following the crowd. Yes, like so many other gaijin bloggers such as Gaijin wife, Fi and Sara, I too have ordered the 30 day shred in an attempt to whip my lardy arse into shape for my best friend's wedding this time next year. I have to be a bridesmaid with possibly the skinniest girl you've ever seen who's not anorexic, so the pressure is on! I sweat at least a thigh off this morning when I ran 6km in the blazing heat, but running is not enough, I need muscle tone and definition if I'm going to stand a chance next to skinny bitch (she's actually really nice, but still...)

So we'll see, also, another motivation to get healthier was my blood test results that I got back yesterday from when I donated blood. They had my results from a bit over 2 years ago on the little postcard too from when I donated blood in that small window between meeting Ryota and getting preggers. I'm happy to report all is within normal range, and livery functiony stuff is down from 2 years ago, (not surprising as I pretty much lived on Vodka and onigiri then...) and everything that should be down is down, apart from... da dummmmm, cholesterol, that sneaky little fucker!
My mum has insanely high cholesterol so I have to be careful, and even though it was still way within normal range, it was definitely up from last time (again, vodka and onigiri are probably quite good cholesterol-wise...) so my aim is to get cholesterol down, muscle up and be generally healthier. I wonder how much cholesterol is in Marshmallows, those squishy little bastards can't be good for me sooooo, my goal this week is to not even look at a marshmallow and to stick to 3 meals a day. If I set too many goals I'll never stick to them so that's it. Baby steps and all that.

The 'gaijin rights' discussion flared up again last night, and just because I'm a blog-content whore, I asked SIL for her opinion, but I'll save that for tomorrow when I will do a special tribute post to SIL and her ridiculous ways. You don't want to miss some of the garbage that comes out of her mouth, seriously!

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Buggery bastard thing(s)...

cluttering my genkan... Which happens to be tampon packet free today, just in case you were wondering.

Yes, the famous surfboard that so much blood, sweat and tears were wasted on arrived today, which is pretty much a 100% guarantee that I won't see Ryo-chan this weekend, meh, boys and their toys. Notice the perfectly good other surfboard in it's little protective condom behind the new one!

Not much happening today, had usual broom swapping shenannigans with Grandma this morning, and her giving Ash toys in the morning has come back to bite her in the arse! I mentioned that Ash took a soil covered dog the other morning, well apparently it was a part of a set that some iinaka relative sent Grandma, not that it's worth anything, but if said country bumpkin relative happens to come to the house to pray for Grandad's soul or something, the missing dog will definitely be noticed. So Grandma asked me about it this morning and I genuinely have no idea where it is, possibly in a rice field, at kindy somewhere or buried under the huge toy pile in our house. I felt like saying "That will teach you to give Ash things on his way to kindy now won't it!" in a supernanny voice but poor Grandma actually looked concerned so I eased up on her and said I'd take a squiz around the place for it. St gaijin I am and all.

Apart from that life is pretty dull, August is pretty slow school-wise, everyone going on Summer vacation trips just to make me jealous and stuff.

I'm feeling slightly flat after a fight...hmmm ok let's not say fight, but heated discussion Ryo-chan and I had last night which kind of carried on until this morning. Basically, we were talking about gaijin and their rights here, even when they've been living here a long time and have a half-blood kiddy. He was saying gaijin have just as many rights as Japanese and that they can access all areas just as well as Japanese, where as I tend to disagree.

I know there are systems in place (let's face it, there is a flipping system for everything here) but in reality, it is almost impossible for gaijin to be equal to Japanese. We were talking about child support, and that it was not easy for gaijin married to Japanese to get it in the case of a messy divorce because they would have to stay in the country to get it, and with no cushy jikka AKA mother's vagina to crawl back into, (eww sorry!) it was basically impossible. The whole in-law house was against me, and I get what they're saying, but I really feel it's not the same. I don't know, thoughts? Am I being an over-defensive outsider who should just chill the fuck out? I also brought up the fact that if a gaijin is married to a Japanese and their spouse dies they no longer have rights to a spousal visa. Bit of a worry when my husband surfs every weekend in summer, (sharks!) snowboards in winter, (avalanches!) smokes a pack a day, drives like a maniac and is generally a bit of a twat that doesn't think before he acts.

Bastard better not die on me, I need that visa!

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Bit of Grandma aggro.

Grandma and I have such a love hate relationship.

She loves it when I agree with her on certain issues such as the fact that MIL should definitely go to the doctors more often when her face gets swollen and she can't move. (Surprisingly I'm often the only one in Grandma's corner, everyone says things like, "You're going a bit senile Obaachan, it's OK!") But she hates it when I don't do things her way, read old school Japanese way.

On my side, on the whole, I love her. I don't have a Grandma of my own, never have had so she's the closest I'm ever going to get and when she's not annoying the shit out of me, she's not so bad. I would genuinely be upset if she did happen to kick the bucket any time soon. (Although unlikely, she's a tough old bird.)

But..... There are a few things that really really do make me want to take one of her Grandma slippers and bop her on the head sometimes, not really hard, just a little slap.
Take for instance, the broom. Let's call it the 'broom of doom' just for dramatic effect shall we. Like most domestic goddesses in Japan, I sweep out my genkan quite regularly, this morning among the general shoe dust, a small plastic beetle, several receipts and a tampon wrapper (WTF!?) had made their way into the genkan too. Not the nicest welcoming present when guests come in, so like most days I went to sweep.
I went to get the broom and it wasn't where I left it, right outside the door, but I knew exactly where it would be because Grandma moves it EVERY. FUCKING. TIME! Why she feels the need to move it from where I've put it is really beyond me, and I could be mature and just put it in 'her' spot, (a hook around the corner) but why would I walk a few more steps than I have to in bastard heat?? Gaijin laziness perhaps?? I'm guessing it's because there is a specific hook for the broom in Grandma's spot, where as I just lean it up against the little wall thingey. Who knows, but after I'd finished sweeping this morning I put it in my spot, and I swear to god, not 10 minutes later she'd stealthed in and moved the fucker. Leave my fucking broom alone woman!!!!

Another sore point with Grandma and I is the daily struggle of getting Ash to willingly get in the bike to go to kindy in the mornings. Now, for a 1 and a half year old, Grandma's house is just like one big toy, beetles, bikes, various toys with his name scribbled on them. Just generally a haven for small boys. So I get that he doesn't really want to leave in the morning, hell I wouldn't either if I was him, but Grandma feels the best way to stop him crying is to give him various toys to take with him. This is bad for a few reasons:

1) There has been more than one occasion where he has gotten bored of the toy on the way to kindy and chucked it away, this has resulted in one time where I went arse over trying to pick up the damn pink shovel off the road and balance bike and small child at the same time, AND another time where he biffed a toy car straight into a rice paddy. It was then that I decided that toys and bicycles do not mix well.
2) If the toy makes it to kindy, he doesn't want to let it go as he goes into protective mode from all the other kids. This causes the teachers to give me disapproving looks at the outside toy being brought in to their germ-free environment AND yesterday he was clutching a dog ornament covered in soil, not good for clean carpets.

I have tried to explain these things to Grandma on numerous occasions but she simply "Shushes" me with a few rounds of "Kawaisouuuuuu" That fucking word is the thorn in my big gaijin side I tell you!

So, today I made the decision to have no toys with us on the way to kindy? Harsh? Perhaps but he is going from one toy filled place to another, I'm not exactly Hitler right!

I'm sure Grandma will have much to say on the issue but she can shove the toy and the broom up her clacker if she doesn't like it... Oooooo gaijin got balls, threatening an 82 year old hunched over woman....