Thursday, 31 March 2011

A good day

I best thought I should document it, just so you know it isn't all domestic violence and dog fuckers.

Although speaking of the dog fucker. She is such a twat, have to get it out before I go all sunshine and lollipops. A few examples in the past few days-

*Berating MIL that she was still fat after I had spent the last 10 minutes telling her how good she looks. MIL has lost 18kgs which is fucking amazing for a woman her age. We've gone on the fatty journey together, losing 41kgs between us and it's been a great bonding experience. Trust a 40 kilo whore bag such as dog fucker to come with the negativity. I felt like snapping her scrawny neck.

*I looked after Sassymoo's gorgeous little Princess P the other day and when dog fucker saw her, she came sniffing over. She not only tried to speak to P in horrible horrible English (to which P gave me a look like 'What the hell is this bitch on about!?) but then spoke to me about P. I hate it when people do this. Fair enough if it's a baby who can only decipher people by whether or not they smell of milk or not. But a 3 year old kid knows what is being said, and definitely when it's right in front of them. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, don't fucking talk about people when they're right there, it's just rude.

*The lazy little bitch rotates between sleeping, watching J-boy dramas and tending to the dog. That is pretty much all her life summed up. This just really annoys me, what a waste of space.

OK, on to happier things!

*The weather is finally warming up. This winter was long and since the great blubber shed I feel the cold much more. I am also extremly lazy so the effort of carrying a jacket is really just too much. I can't wait until it gets really warm and Sundays can be spent at the beach!

*I saw my first Sakura blossom today and I started crying. What a fucking lame arse I am! Cherry blossoms are such a representation of Japan and with all the recent shittiness going on it was so nice to see a new blossom of hope. Put that in your poetic pipe and smoke it! Of course I had to get over it pretty quickly as I was on a particularly vigorous 5km run at the time and every runner can relate to how bad it is to be snotty when you're running.

*The school is going really well, we've had more calls from the latest publicity whoring and I now have a busy schedule with a variety of students who I genuinely love. The one kid I didn't really like teaching because he was a lazy little bastard has had to quit because he'll be too busy being turned into a little Junior high school lemming. So all is good!

*Ryota and I have not come to physical blows in the last few days. I'm counting that as a good thing...

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Fuck I'm good

Imagine what cake I would have made him had he not beaten* me a few days earlier!?

*For those of you who are not aware, I am very much the most dramatic of all drama queens and use the term "beaten" very loosely for the sake of comedic value. If you have no sense of humour, or you are Japanese and therefore cannot grasp the concept of sarcasm, please totally ignore this post although the title still stands. Thank you.

Monday, 28 March 2011

The joy of anonymity

Fuck me I miss anonymity. I never realised how much I appreciated it before coming to Japan. And I wasn't even a big city girl in Australia, but big enough that I could go to the beach, read a book and just be left alone. Nobody to greet, nobody to avoid running in to. Just a girl and her book. Maybe I should take a trip somewhere in Japan I haven't been before and read a book!

I was at the supermarket last week, and I saw an old couple huddled over the bananas, whispering and pointing in my direction. This isn't all that uncommon but lately it's because I am a TOTAL publicity whore for the school and have plastered my ugly mug all over the city and in various pamphlets. So I really can't complain, a whisperer may be my potential bread and butter after all. But this was a super old couple, as in about to possibly keel over into the pile of bananas old. Not really the eikaiwa type so I was intrigued and a little bit nervous when old man shuffled over with old grandma following. He came right up close to me and started mumbling. I fucking hate mumbling!! Mumbling is annoying when it's in my own language but Japanese (old people) mumbling is damn near fucking impossible to decipher. I was also listening to my ipod which didn't help so I pulled the plugs out of my ears and tried to give it a crack...

Old mumbler: Your mother is Snow Vinegar Arrow* isn't she...

Befuddled gaijin: Sorry... what was that...?

Old mumbler: Mother. Vinegar Arrow. Snow. Vinegar arrow. Mother.

Befuddled gaijin: Oh, oh yeah, that's right!(thinking, fuck it I've met this old geezer at a summer festival and can't remember!)

Old mumbler: What happened to her??

Befuddled gaijin: Ummm... what do you mean??

Old mumbler's wife: We haven't seen your mother (in-law) lately and we thought she might have died or... err... something...

At least the old lady was blunt enough that I could understand! I assured them that she was very genki indeed and just a divorced middle-aged woman who busts her arse to support her elderly mother and two leeches of fuckwit kids still at home. Well, other words and all. They were even more shocked when I told them Grandma was still alive and kicking. Ahhh such is small town living.

And speaking of anonymity... All you anonymous commenting peeps on the last post, where did you all come from!? Thanks to all for the many informative comments, I love hearing every opinion, whether it differs from mine or not, so thank you!!! As for our resident Bad Boy, I think taking the bait is what makes him tick so if you think he's a bit of a fucker you should totally tell him so on his blog. I'm being diplomatic because I have a bit of a crush on the fresh breath of foul language and brutal honesty-filled air that he brings.

I don't think I've ever left an anonymous comment on a blog, I get the concept but I just don't see the point in commenting if the comment you're making is totally... faceless.... nameless...image-less..... (quite possibly not a word) So leave me a detailed description of yourself (and what you're wearing if you wanna get kinky) before you blast the shit out of me next time OK!

*Not her real name (obviously) but anyone with good enough kanji skills can probably figure it out.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

The murky area of equality...

Thank you to the anonymous commenter who left the links about feminism. Forgive my ignorance, I throw the word feminism around a little too lightly, I know.
However, it really got me thinking about the whole topic, and I realised I really don't think equality is ever possible, and then I thought, 'hang on, have I been in Japan too long?? Would I really have that stance if I didn't live in a country like Japan that is pretty obviously far behind in the male/female equality stakes??'

I think I believe in capabilities. Men are usually more capable of doing hard physical labor. Fair to say? So that's why the majority of jobs involving hard physical labor are done by men. Of course there are always exceptions but I think it's fair to say that women are usually physically weaker than men.
By the same token there are jobs that women are naturally better at than men. My son's daycare has a 100% woman staff. Equal? No. Make sense? Yes. Of course some men are great at taking care of little kids but it's generally women who do those sorts of jobs.

I don't think equality is realistic, and if it was, I'd be fucked. As much as I hate cooking and cleaning, I'd hate to fix shit that breaks in my house and help people move house even more. Inequality is everywhere, and to a certain extent, I think that's why the world works. As a business owner, I sure as fuck would think twice before employing a young woman because of the chance she would get pregnant and quit. Harsh but realistic. And on the flip side, I'd sure as fuck think twice about employing a man because we teach kids and kids are less afraid of women instinctively. Harsh. But fucking reality.

"You are a feminist if you believe women should have equal rights as men"

I don't.

I also don't think men should have equal rights as women. We are different, fuck the brain and it's patterns. We're different no matter how many scientists do studies and contradict each other just to confuse the rest of us. We. Are. Different. I don't know how or why or how many neuroscientists it takes to change a light bulb but I do know that since the cavemen went hunting and the women stayed home and protected the nest, that's just the way things are.

But then being in Japan is hard, it may have skewed my view... I still get angry that girls never participate in baseball or soccer clubs here, because they might not be as good or fast or strong as the boys, but at school level that could give it a crack rather than holding the boys' water bottles and cleaning the change rooms. Seriously. There are times when I think that Japan is so backward with gender equality that it makes me ill. But then, things get done in Japan. Not perfectly or flawlessly but people know their role and usually get on without too much bellyaching and whinging.

What do you think about gender equality?? Are you for 50/50?? Can you do everything the opposite sex can?? Something to think about anyway.

Monday, 21 March 2011


Where was I up to??

Oh yeah, the fried rice and stuff.

So, got home, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the house which was also a wreck, washed all the unnecessary dishes and got dinner on the table. Wasn't really that hard!

After we'd finished dinner, I said I was going across the dirt path to talk to Ryota's mother about the Easter party at the school, I needed her to translate my crappy bar Japanese into something that would look nice on a poster, and also to explain the whole 'no entry fee but fucking dig deep into those Gucci pockets bitches and give some money to the earthquake appeal.' I didn't ask Ryota to help me, because I pretty much knew he'd respond with some deep sigh and a grumble of "mendokuseeee" (Can't be arsed) OR he'd go on another rant about not wanting to do anything for charity. So I pretty much was just going to ask his mum to help me as it would be far quicker and less painful. Well, usually anyway.

This is a totally different rant, but sometimes the whole cross-cultural marriage thing can get really trying, especially when it comes to holidays. Christmas can often be a very stressful time for me, as I've written before, as it's such a different tradition here and it makes me sad and homesick. Now I'm not particularly religious or even that much in to Easter, but I still eat fish on Easter Friday, and a shitload of chocolate on Easter Sunday. I don't know the ins and outs of the whole chocolate concept, it's just... the way Easter is! Trying to explain Easter to Japanese people is much like them trying to explain setsubun to us, they don't really know all the details but they do the main things and eat sushi and blah blah blah. For me, Easter is exactly the same. So explaining this to my MIL was painfully difficult. First she just didn't get it, so I said she didn't need to get it, just go with it... But then she said she couldn't just go with it unless she understood it, so I asked Ryota to explain it to her. He didn't really give an answer, he was fucking around with his iphone on the computer and not really listening. So I got wikipedia up on my phone in Japanese and gave it to her to read but it was too small for her to read. Of course, cock smoker next to me wouldn't think to give us the computer, that would have been tooooo much. Finally, I was getting so frustrated: with her not understanding the concept or realising that she didn't really need to understand it.... With Ryota not helping me.... With Ryota NEVER helping me with the school.... It was all getting too much so I decided pictures would be better than words and tried to get Easter bunny pictures to show MIL, again the computer would have been much easier to see so when I asked Ryota (probably not very nicely by this time) he said "I'M BUSY!" in a tone that just fucked me right off.

I then got pretty angry (no violence yet!) and told him that he could fuck around with his iphone any time, he needed to help me now. He then did one of his big famous sighs and actually turned towards us. I asked him to explain the Easter bunny to MIL and I swear to God he gave an explanation that was taking the piss. He denies he was taking the piss and we'll never know but thinking he was being a smart arse, I gave him a slap on the back of the head. Now, I know, violence is not the answer, but in my defence it was a Japanese comedian-type slap on the top of the head, no face action. And in his defence, it was a little harder than I'd planned due to obvious pent-up rage I had going...

And so the violence began!

After a little bit of yelling at each other and all the in-laws looking nervously at each other because they could feel the tension rising, Ryota got up and said "MOVE!" to me, before swiftly lifting up my chair and dropping me on the table, not that the table was far to go, but still. I then got up and must have looked like a macho man in a bar fight, chest out, game-face on. Ryota actually did an imitation that was quite hilarious after it had all simmered down. We were right up in each other's faces, which can never end well, so as he tried to push past me I got all hysterical because I thought he was actually going to hit me, then he started yelling obscenities (I'm glad Grandma can't speak English) and actually slammed me in to the door behind me. Now, you have to remember that this was in an old, tiny Japanese house, so it's not like I had far to be smashed in to, and the fact that the door is made of that thin wood made the big noise all the more scary. Still, it hurt quite a bit. AND I WENT MENTAL! I shoved him back but he is actually much stronger than me so I did the only thing I could, let him get past, turn around to go out the door, and punch him with all I had from behind. But you know, I'm a girl, I girly punch, I'm sure he barely felt it.

Once he was outside I followed him, leaving the house of gobsmacked in-laws behind and glad that Ash had been in the other room at the time. I then did something more than violence.
I hissed.
Like that voice you get when you're SO fucking angry that some Voldemort type demon takes over your voice and the other person knows you mean business. That voice. I told him he was never to touch me again and if he did I would be on the first plane back to Australia and he would never see Ash or me again. He defended himself by saying I started it, and fair play, I apologised for slapping him first, but I also added, where I'm from- Hurting a girl is unacceptable, whether she started it or not. Equal? No. Sexist? Fuck Yes. But fuck it, it's just the way I was brought up.
If I wanted equality, I wouldn't ask him to open jars for me or cut trees and shit while I make the fucking lunch. I never have and never will be a feminist, because it's just not realistic. Men were built a different way to women for a reason. We just do some things better and some things worse. Prime example- Women can cook dinner without having a panic attack. Men have the strength to beat their wives after eating the dinner.

I was kind of in shock for the rest of the night and to the commenters who said I should get a divorce, I totally get where you're coming from. Valid point, if we hate each other as we appear to do in these posts then we really should. And we probably will for all I know, but that's the thing about blogs, the bad things are the only bits that are interesting to read. I could write about all the good days in between the domestic violence and what not, but it's just boring so I don't. We all love a good train wreck! I did however, have a huge talk with him about my feelings on domestic violence and how much I didn't want Ash to grow up thinking it was OK, and he has accepted this and apologised many times.

I could play victim but if I'm really honest I'm just as bad as him. We're both young, we're both human, with many faults and things to learn. If I ever really hate him I will get a divorce, but for the moment, marriage is intact. Onward and upward! Well, probably onward and a bit sideways and few steps back, but that's the way it goes!

Friday, 18 March 2011

B.O!! Err, I mean... D.V!!!!

Ryota often mixes the abbreviation "B.O." with "D.V." Ironic, as I can see the funny side of this post but it actually should be quite serious.

Ryota and I had a big fight the other night. And I mean BIG. The biggest we've ever had, and it actually got physical.

Now, before people go booking me in to the nearest women's shelter (do they even have those in Japan, I should investigate... Although I fear mine would be called "Sassymoo's house...) I should point out that I did actually technically start the violence, and it really wasn't that bad... Fuck, reading that over I already sound like a battered wife defending my husband!

Most foreign wives would be able to snap their J-husbands in two but since I've lost some of my sumo-like blubber I'm getting a bit scrawny, plus Ryota is fucking built like a brick shit-house compared to most skinny J-guys, I guess the whole outdoor hard work or whatever, so yeah, I was actually a bit scared for a few seconds. Until the scared turned to hot, piping rage and he copped a blow from behind as he was walking out the genkan.

I should back up and explain the whole story though... This may take a while, it always seems to.

So... this was Wednesday night, and this whole week, like most people in Japan at the moment, life hasn't really been We are being bombarded with images of death and destruction, worrying about our friends in the North, not knowing whether to believe fucking dramatic American journalists with their tales of nuclear doom, or the 'little-bit-too-fucking-calm-for-my-liking' Japanese officials. It's just not nice and we've been feeling the pressure. Not that this is an excuse, but we've both been a bit more snippy with each other than usual.
So Wednesday, Ryota took half a day off, so he finished work at 12pm, and I was teaching on and off until 7. Now this equation seems logical to me. Ryota+finish work early= He cooks dinner. No? Am I wrong here? But me knowing Ryota, knew this would be too much for his tiny little brain to handle, so instead of telling him to just 'rustle something up' I said we'd have fried rice, I would cook the rice, and get all the ingredients he needed. All he had to do was chop, chuck and fry.
Chop. Chuck it all in. Fry the fucker up.
Not that hard, right? Wrong. At about 6pm while I was still teaching, I got an email with loads of angry, ranting Japanese about me being wasteful and buying too much and then at the end "Are you stupid?!" (in English). Now if he could actually speak English, this would probably read as "Are you really that thick you dumb bitch!?"
I called him, explained as nicely as I could that I actually took all the stuff out of the fridge and in a shopping bag and only ended up buying bacon and eggs as we already had all the other stuff in the fridge, and to be fair to him he totally apologised and it was all good.

Except that it wasn't really. Even if I had made a mistake and bought the stuff instead of using the stuff in the fridge, is it really that big of a deal? Does it really warrant an abusive, nasty mail while I'm at work?
So I got home, and he's there in the kitchen, sweat running down his face, flustered, running around like a blue-arsed fly... All because... He had to make fucking fried rice. Fuck me dead it was a production! I should also note that he'd dumped Ash at Grandma's house so he couldn't even use the "Ash was being an arsehole" excuse. I also stared, wide-eyed, at my kitchen, which is never that clean, but was a serious bomb site. What is with men NEVER cleaning as they go!? And using all new forks and plates instead of just rinsing!? needless to say, it would have been much less stressful if I'd just cooked the fried rice myself.

Right, going to have to be the rest of the story tomorrow, I'm cold and hungry. (And I sure as hell aren't letting Ryota in the kitchen again!)

Monday, 14 March 2011

Golly gee my husband is a fuck tard.

I'm still glad he's here and all though...

It's really hard to get back to any form of normalcy here. This includes blogging, lessons at the school, TV, life in general. I feel so guilty being here, not affected at all by any of the hell that is happening up north, I've been doing my best to save power, I'm not sure if it even has any effect on the kanto power crisis but just in case...
It's also quite weird to contemplate bitching about my husband, things seem so petty when you see people on the TV describing how they were holding on to their husband/wife/children but lost their grip and had to see them get washed away. Yet Ryota still manages to piss me off. Wow, that's some super pissed off power he's got going!

Actually he's been annoying me about various things lately: not taking responsibility/(lack of)disciplining our child blah blah, all the normal things for a family suffering from chonanitis. But the thing that really annoyed me yesterday actually had to do with the earthquake so I guess this won't be a totally normal post. I should give some background information and say that Ryota NEVER gives to charity. Like a lot of Japanese people, it's really not as popular here as in the west. I was thinking if Arashi, SMAP and AKB48 did a joint charity concert, looked in to the camera with their mascara clad eyes (boys included in that too) and asked all the crazy fans to give money for the earthquake victims then they'd probably make enough money to rebuild everything, get a brand spanking new nuclear reactor and still have a few yen left over to spare, but I don't know, there just doesn't seem to be as big of a charity culture here.

Not that I'm a saint who sponsors 28 kids in Africa or gives a whole lot either, mind you. However, if it's something I feel strongly about and I have the chance to, then I'm more than willing to donate. The earthquake being so close yet so far away has made me feel so helpless, I really wanted to at the very least donate some money, and hopefully raise some with some kind of event. I was planning an Easter party at the school anyway, so decided to make it into a big as possible party, put it on for free, and then ask everyone to make a donation to the earthquake appeal. I also decided to match the donations we made on the day, we live in semi-inaka after all, not exactly going to be a fortune made... I thought this was quite a good idea, good for the school, good for me feeling like I'm doing something to help, might even get a bit pissed on the day, fun for all...

When I told Ryota, and I didn't ask, I told him. He sighed and said "Whatever, if that's what you want..." After considering ignoring this, I got really fucking angry and asked him what his problem was. He came back with "Nobody helped us in the Kobe earthquake..." Which just set me off on a big rant that went something like this:
"Ummmm, OK, one, your house was still standing so you were not in enough trouble to be helped, two, I know for a fact that you were given donated rice and bottled water at the time because I may possibly be the only one who listens to your Grandma's stories and three, even if you didn't get help, that is even more reason to try and help! I'm trying to change people's attitudes about giving and helping people in trouble. Oh and P.S. YOU'RE A FUCKING HEARTLESS COCK JOCKEY!!!!"

It really got me angry! I don't particularly care what the fuck he thinks, maybe my money will be blown on a Russian whore by some charity big wig for all I know, but at least I'm making some effort, even if only to make me feel better about myself!
I should have known though, Ryota took the same view when a foreign lady in Japan was sick with breast cancer. The women in this community band together and I am so glad that they are here, I really wanted to donate money to help for her treatments but Ryota said the same thing "I bet they wouldn't help you if you had cancer..." I'd bet my fucking life they would you ignorant fucker, just because he has no sense of community doesn't mean anyone else can't. He was the only one working at that time, but now I make more than him (and I pointed this out yesterday, I'm sure I saw his cock shrink a few inches as the words came out of my mouth) he was informed it actually wasn't up to him and he could quite happily go and fuck himself, I was donating money.

Oooo I feel better after that, must get back to usual bitchy blogging soon...

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Well fuck me.

Wanking off Mickey Mouse man seems totally insignificant when 1000's of people are dead, homes lost, people stranded and general chaos has engulfed the country where you live.

I felt the earthquake yesterday and was freaked out. Being an Aussie I'm very ill prepared for earthquakes and tend to panic. When I first moved here I kept an emergency earthquake pack next to my bed every night. Although slightly extreme, doesn't seem like such a bad idea now. But yesterday when I felt the room start to sway a little I had no idea of the destruction and horrible chaos that was unfolding in the north of Japan. I knew it was a big one though, as pretty much straight away facebook was filled with updates from gaijin women around the country who had felt the quake. To be felt all over means it's a big fucker.

And big fucker would be an understatement, the destruction, death and general chaos on the TV is making me feel sick. Just so so very sad, mother nature really is a moody, heartless bitch sometimes. I'm pretty sure all my friends are safe, and luckily all our family are in the Kansai area, so we are incredibly lucky. Ryota's ex-girlfriend (who we are still friends with) is fine but hasn't heard from her family in Sendai which is a big worry. I really hope and pray that they got away from the tsunami.

Not one to usually be soppy on this blog, but yesterday's events and the death and destruction that we are seeing unfold today are really making me appreciate all that I have and encouraging me to live every day to the fullest. Fuck, I may even go give dog-fucker a hug.

Actually, no, won't go that far...

All those in Japan, I hope you and your family are safe and can get through this traumatic experience.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Fucking Mickey Mouse.

I'm like a Japanese TV show, cut to commercial RIGHT at the crucial moment.

I hope I haven't built this story up too much with all the drama. But I guess everyone has their different limits to what is acceptable and what isn't. I've heard stories of people actually shagging in airplane toilets or medical supply cupboards (wait, maybe that was the episode of Grey's anatomy this morning...) but for some people this would be seen as totally unacceptable. My friend once told me she gave her boyfriend a blow job on the roof garden of Namba Parks, anyone in Osaka, beware next time you go there... And I was like 'In broad daylight, where anyone could have seen you?? Did he actually cum all over the place right there in the garden!?" And all she replied was "It was dusk, I'm sure nobody saw..." and managed to dodge my question on whether or not he blew all over her face. I guess she is Japanese, and a master of the question dodge. But for me, that was pretty bad. I'm all for shagging and blow jobs, but time and place people, this is why love hotels were invented!

Anyway, perhaps this is why this particular event was so bad in my eyes, maybe my blow job friend would think nothing of it, it was dusk after all...

He told me to follow him.

I did.

Don't ask me why I did. I wasn't even annoyed at this point. I'm annoyed at myself just writing this, yet at the time I wasn't feeling annoyed at all. I don't even know what I was feeling at the time. Not excitement... Not annoyance... Intrigue maybe??

As I too, hopped over the stone wall and in to the dark patch of trees I wasn't nervous at all, a sign that you really are numb to reality, this guy could have pulled out a knife and slit my throat quite easily, there was nowhere to run, nobody around to hear me scream. Of course he was a scrawny Japanese guy with thighs about the size of my wrist, so in a fight I probably could have beat him, but if there was a weapon I would have been dead.

It wasn't even that sinister, I wish it had have been, then I could have played the victim. Instead, it was just plain sleazy. Like a lot of things in Japan- less serious crime but I'm guessing way more kinky, gross sexual stuff going on. He told me I had to come and get the bicycle key, (just a plain push bike key by the way) and he put it down his pants. All I could think about was Mickey mouse. Fucking Mickey cunting mouse. I didn't panic though, I kept asking for my key, laughing, telling him to stop it, that I had to go home. And then he told me I had to do a job to get it back. Where the fuck does this guy get his balls from?? Maybe he thought I was a Russian hostess who would be up for a bit of dark alley shenanigans. But I'm not. I wasn't. Then why didn't I get angry?? As angry as I am right now?? Mickey. Mouse. Mickey. Mouse.

After about 10 minutes of this back and forth about getting my key and going home, he had his pants down and was wanking. It was too late. I was in this situation and now I didn't know how to get out of it. I couldn't get angry at that point, I'd been laughing the whole time. That's another bad thing I do. I laugh when I'm nervous. Like, totally giggle but I'll be insanely nervous on the inside. I had no idea what to do, but he grabbed my hand and I was just giving him a hand job. And I couldn't do anything, and I don't know why!? I was giving a fucking stranger in a Mickey Mouse shirt a hand job in a dark patch of trees in a park. What the fuck, who does that!? And all I remember thinking, was "Fuck it, just get it over with and it will be done."

Sorry, let's just read that one more time: "just get it over and it will be done"

I think this was kind of the theme for my life at the time, drink it away, get it over with, get on with work without falling asleep, get it over with, get another beer until you can't see straight and everything seems funny. Get life over with.

I sometimes wonder about Mickey Mouse fucker, did he go and tell his mates, "You'll never guess what just happened to me, I met some gaijin girl and she wanked me off in the park!!!" Or did he just forget about it too? The thing that makes me most regret this horrible event though, aside from the personal shame and disbelief at my own actions, is the fact that I'm setting some horrible example to Mickey Mouse Boy that a gaijin woman? any woman? will actually put up with a cunt like him wanting a hand job from a stranger. It's like something straight out of a Haruki Murakami book. And it's not his fault, it's mine! Which is what makes it just. that. little. bit. worse.

And another weird thing, I can't remember how we parted ways, I remember him jizzing all over the ground, and thinking what a strange situation I'd gotten myself into, but after that, total fucking blank. I think I must have gone to a bar straight after and got absolutely hammered, I have vague recollections of that. When did he give me the key back?? When did he get dressed again?? What did we say to each other?? Did he thank me for my services?? Why didn't I just complete the transaction and take 10k from him?? How did we say goodbye??

All great questions that I wish I could answer too.

So there it is folks! Possibly my biggest regret ever!

The only thing I take comfort in, is the fact I have grown a lot since that night. If the same thing happened today, I know I would have the clarity of mind and confidence to deal with it like any normal person would.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

You want sordid details?

You sick fucks, of course you do!

Although, I'm warning you now, this isn't going to be one of those "Oh my god, like I like got soooo like wasted and totally like forgot where I was, like total mind blank!!!" *insert girly giggle here*

There is nothing girly, or giggly or even funny about this story. I don't think I was even actually drunk at the particular time it happened, but it was a period in my life where I was drinking literally every day at some point, and usually to the point of no return. Drinking in moderation is fine but when your life becomes one big vodka-swilled mess then you know you're losing control.

I think I knew it was time to turn my life around when I was sitting in a Royal Host restaurant, drinking red wine at 8 in the morning after drinking all night, I had cuts on my fingers and I couldn't remember how I got them, I was dirty, and drunk and I couldn't focus on anything in front of me because I was that tired and drunk. I was planning to 'roam the earth,' I actually pictured myself just stealing money, or living off my credit card until it got rejected, and running away. I now see it was me trying to escape reality but in my fuzzy mind, I was really going to fuck off to Brazil at some point with nothing but my passport in hand.

So, you asked for it, and I aim to please, but I have requests...

-Don't tell me it isn't that bad, it is.
-Don't leave a comment just to try and make me feel better. Say something meaningful or keep it to yourself.

-If you know me in real life, don't ever mention this to me, it will cause me to probably just cut our friendship off due to sheer shame.
-"Judge not, lest ye be judged..."

I'd blocked this memory out of my brain, similar to children who go through traumatic experiences and then totally block the event out, I hadn't thought about it in years, but my recent job at the sports stadium happened to be in the area I used to live and I walked right past the spot where it happened. I stopped dead in my tracks when I walked past the patch of trees, I actually stopped and let the memories flood over me until I literally cringed and hurried on. But it was too late, the memory was back, as far as I'd pushed it away and tried to replace it with images of motherhood and marriage and making a home, it all came back to haunt me. I actually felt physically sick, like I used to feel every day from too much vodka on an empty stomach.

I don't even know how to begin to explain the story without looking like I'm trying to justify my actions, so I guess I'll just do my best and write it how I remember it...

It was a warm night, not quite the sweltering hell that is Osakan summer, but warm enough that I was out riding my bike in the evening. I'd been to the big-ish shopping area about a 20 minute bike ride away but had come home empty handed, I can't exactly remember but I think I was looking for a birthday present for somebody. I was cycling on the wrong side of the road that I needed to be, but I figured it was a main street so I'd just cross at a light when it was green and I had the chance. I'm not one to bike slowly, I always overtake old ladies and if I have a clear path I go for it, what's the point of riding a bike if you're not going to get there quickly, may as well walk. So I was cycling pretty fast down the open footpath, it was definitely dark because I remember the orange glow of the street lights. I also had ear phones in, as I always do whenever I'm cycling, but I felt a presence of somebody near me. Because I could see in front of me, I sensed it was from behind.
This often happens, some Junior high school kid rushing to get to his next tutoring session or old woman on a bike who is in a big hurry to get home, they come up behind you and when you've ridden a bicycle on the streets long enough you develop some kind of radar and know to move to one side to let them pass. I did this but a bike kept coming in to my peripheral vision, kind of bobbing forward to be equal with me but then pulling back as I did. Now this isn't that unusual either, being foreign leaves you open to all sorts of people randomly stopping you asking what country you're from or wanting to gaijin hunt you and suck the English from you without coughing up cash.

Now I'm all usually good with this in a normal situation like in a shop or when you're already engaged in a conversation with someone, but when I'm riding a bicycle and have ear phones in, it clearly should mean 'do not disturb this gaijin,' no? Anyway, I was hoping if I ignored the bike long enough, it would give up and pass me. He didn't, and finally I had to make eye contact and take my ear phones out. I wish I hadn't, I really do. I wish I could have done what any sane woman would do when she was being approached by a stranger at night and told him to fuck off before giving him a clothes line to the face with her handbag. But I have this horrible habit of always being, well... nice. Don't get me wrong, if someone is being an absolute fucker outright, I can easily get pissed off, but when it comes to manipulative people who are being seemingly nice, for example, sales people, religious people, and apparently, random men on bicycles... I'm such a push over, I can't tell people to fuck off if they're being nice to my face. It's something I really should work on, I'm a salesman's dream!

So anyway, it becomes apparent this guy wants to talk to me. So I chat away for a few metres, still riding my bike. He asks me all the usual gaijin questions, Where are you from?? Australia is such a nice country isn't it!? What do you do here? Do you like Japan? Until we get to the main intersection, where I tell him I'm going to cross the road and go home. He then says something like "Can't you chat for a bit longer??..."
I honestly can't remember what this guy looked like, I remember he wasn't old, but not that young either, I'd guess about my age (22 at the time) but J-guys always look so much younger so for all I know he could have been in his 50's. The only thing I remember about him: He was wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt. Of all the distinguishing features I could have remembered, it was fucking Mickey Mouse. I really don't like the Japanese trend of adults wearing Mickey Mouse clothing, it annoys me for some reason.

I'm not into picking up guys off the street either, I should point out. I was in no way looking to pick him up, I hadn't had a shag in a while but there was no way I was that desperate. But then, looking back, maybe I wanted... attention...? affection...? something other than alcohol....? Because if I really hadn't wanted anything, I would have just kept riding, wouldn't I?
After stopping our bikes, we chatted for, I'd say, about 15 minutes, the conversation was wearing thin due to the fact that he was a complete fucking stranger, and also my sketchy Japanese at the time and his total lack of English. When I started making the body language that people use to make a move home, this is when it got bad. Sordid. Scary.
He took the key from my bike, telling me I didn't have to go home yet, that I had time to talk. He wasn't threatening in any way, he took the key in a joking way, but when I laughed and tried to get the key back, he wandered off with it, jumping the stone wall and into the dark patch of trees. He told me to follow him.

I did.

You'll have to wait for part II, I have to teach a 7 year old the difference between a square and a triangle...Plus my palms are all sweaty from thinking about this again!

Monday, 7 March 2011

MIL's birthday...

Was pretty uneventful, surprisingly. Dog-fucker SIL and I have been very civil to each other of late, mainly because I need her to pick Ash up for me when I'm busy, but still, peaceful life is happy life and all that hot heart nonsense.

So when she approached me about organising a surprise party for MIL I said, "Sure, I'd love to help, just no public sexual displays with the dog, OK cunt face!?" OK, the first half of that anyway. I was dubious, as this involved us driving to Costco together on Friday, which is only about a 25 minute drive, but still. Confined space+ absolute twat such as SIL can have disastrous results. We basically said we'd split the cooking, and then MIL's sister would bring a cake. I made meat pies, Caesar salad and sausage rolls (just to piss off all members of the family who only eat Japanese food) and some coconut cookies. SIL made the usual Japanese crap plus a cheesecake that crumbled as she took it out of the pan (I had to giggle, just a bit, we have history after all.)

And amazingly, dog-fucker and I were able to pull the whole thing off without a) MIL finding out and b) Killing each other. Of course she did piss me off at various points of the operation. Random racism popped up in Costco, we were looking at prawns to make ebi-fry and I saw some big plump looking ones I thought might be good to use but she crinkled her nose and said "Look where they're from though!" As soon as I saw 'Vietnam prawns' written on the package I knew why she was against them, and she confirmed my suspicions by saying in a not-so-hushed voice, "They probably stink if they're not from Japan!" Fuck. Tard.

In other random racism, I never actually got around to writing about my football announcer debut here, but it went really well! I fucked up in rehearsal and thought I would for sure during the actual match but by some miracle I think I got through blooper free. There was, however a fuck-up made (nothing to do with me, phew!) when a pretty loud noise echoed around the stadium during the game. We all looked around at each other when we heard it and knew the boss would be fuming, we all ended up with eyes on the sound technician, who stammered "Errr, ummm, I think it was the Indonesian supporters, they must have brought some drum or something....!" Ummmm, racism blame shift much?! I snorted at his attempt to cover the fact he had no idea what sound had just deafened half the fans but I think it went unnoticed. The Japanese DJ I was working with was also horribly biased towards the Japanese team, whenever they got a goal he would bellow "GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!" in a super excited voice on the loud speaker, but when Indonesia scored, he did a mono-tone, "Goal for Indonesia..." I tried to make up for the poor Indonesian fans by putting on a genki voice when they scored, despite the Japanese team being the team I support, there were only about 50 of the poor bastards compared to the 10,000 Japanese fans after all.

MIL was very happy to be spoilt for her birthday, so I was glad dog-fucker and I could work together, although once a year is quite enough bonding for me I think.

On a totally unrelated, bizarre topic, I was thinking of writing a story from my past here but I don't know if I have the balls to write it. It's a disgraceful act that occurred in the days I was pretty much an alcoholic and my world was one fuzzy, hung over blur. If you'd like to read it with all it's sordid details, leave a comment, if I get enough, I'll man the fuck up and write it.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Lying here in bed...

Oh fuck I just posted my sext message in my post title...

Just kidding, I am actually lying in bed and it occurred to me that ryota and I actually have very very little in common. Not even that, we totally disagree on, well, pretty much everything...

Movies- He likes blockbuster action and zombies...
I like art house and comedies that aren't cheesy and American.

Music- He likes country and reggae...
I like rock and pop.

Food- He likes savory...
I like sweet.

Drinking- He doesn't...
I most certainly do.

Fashion- He's into high-end brand names...
I'm into high end bargain bins.

Hobbies- He likes surfing and snowboarding...
I like running and photography.

Patience- He has none...
I have lots.

Romance- He's not into...
I am.

Smoking- He does...
I don't.

Ability to study- He has none...
I have lots...

Ability to fix things and common sense- He has lots of...
I really just don't.

Cars- He likes big and bulky...
I like sleek and sporty.

Socializing- He likes to stay in...
I like to go out.

Childhood- He was a bad boy...
I was a good girl. (most of the time anyway)

Seriously, the list just goes on! Opposites attract?? Fuck no, he's just got taste in his arse...

In other shocking and juicy blog news, dog fucker sil and I actually managed to throw mil a surprise birthday party today without shedding blood! But being in a confined space with sil for any time guarantees at least one racist comment, and dog fucker did not disappoint my friends, more on that and my announcing debut tomorrow!!

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