Saturday, 30 April 2011


I've heard before that women reach their sexual peak way later than men, like around 30 for women and 20 for men?? No? Am I just pulling those statistics out of my arse?? But whatever, I know it's definitely later for women anyway.

I knew things were getting desperate the other night when I had a graphically enjoyable sex dream. This would be great news, but you know who was my hot, steamy partner in this terribly horny dream??

Go on, guess!

Matsumoto Jun?? No. Cristiano Ronaldo?? No, I fucking wish. Won Bin?? No.

These lads would all have been welcomed in to my sex dream with open arms and wild sexual panting. But you know who floated my boat this particular night?

Steve. From Beverly Hills 90210... In the early years!

He annoys me even when he's not making wild passionate love to me! But I enjoyed it so much I felt kind of dirty when I woke up.
So you know, I figured I obviously needed to get some, if only to stop these horrible sex dreams involving bad 90's soap stars. Although, wouldn't kick Luke Perry out of bed, something about the bad boy image and husky voice... Anyway! This is the conversation that Ryota and I had after I woke up...

Me (AKA horny housewife): Morning! Oh my god I had the best sex dream last night!

Him: Really? Was I in it?

Me: Oh god no, you're never in them! (and a slight bow in apology)

Him: .............. (and a slight scowl in response to the apology bow)

Me: It was Steve from Beverly Hills 90210, so gross and random! It shows how desperate I am for a shag, think you can go the distance and actually stay awake tonight so we can get a shag in??

Him: Hmmmm 頑張る (I'll try...)

What the hell man!? If it's that much fucking effort maybe I should go find someone who is a little more ready and willing and doesn't have to try so much if it's really that hard (or not hard as the case may be!) He then tried to splutter and stammer his way out of it by saying what he meant was that he would 'ganbaru' to get to bed early, not to work up the will to get a leg over. But it was too late, damage was done and I was already ranting away and it wasn't even 8am. He then pondered over his honey on toast and said, "I know, I'll get you a vibrator for Mother's day!" To which I ranted again that I didn't want a fucking vibrator, I wanted a husband who's cock was as genki as I'd like and instantly started giggling because I actually used that phrasing and imagined a little cock with a smiley face on it...

Thank fuck our neighbours can't understand half our conversations.

Friday, 29 April 2011


This post will contain no juicy stories, no profanity, (well, maybe a bit) no sex stories, and, something that I am always very hesitant to post- *gulps nervously* A BABY VIDEO!! And even worse, my baby!
Shock fucking horror! I hate posting shit about Ash, because we all know that the only people who think these sorts of videos are cute and funny and interesting are the parents of the child that happens to be blowing the raspberry or doing baby's first {insert milestone that nobody gives a fuck about here}.


This video shows possibly the only ways Ash is exactly like me... Grumpy as fuck in the morning.

Ash is not like me at all, he looks nothing like me, (well maybe the piggy nose and chubby thighs...) he actually chooses to eat fish and rice for breakfast, he sits on his knees when he's watching telly and is generally very very much like a little mini Ryota. But sometimes, there's this death stare he gets that reminds me so much of myself when I'm pissed off, and I love it. You'll see this death stare in the video where it's like he's saying JUST. FUCK. OFF. WOMAN. with his eyes.

As if this wasn't enough, he also farts at the end which is pretty damn awesome.

I'll set the scene- It's a dreary, rainy morning. Ryota has been up since half-past fuck-off-and-get-back-to-bed, and this is the 4th time I've tried to wake him up. I tried shaking, tickling, threatening to throw Buzz down the stairs but he just wasn't waking up. If only he knew I was just as keen to blow off work and snuggle in with him for the day... God help us all when he's old enough to negotiate and convince me we would both be better off with just 10 more minutes in bed...

Apologies, I tried about 50 times to upload the vid here but ended up wanting to throw my computer out of a very tall building window, so I uploaded it here!

It's times like these my ample gaijin bosom just swells with motherly pride.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Brazillian back seats

Funny how the longer you go without killing your brain with alcohol, the more shit that you would rather forget comes flooding right back to you.

One of the benefits of being wasted all the time is that even though you can't completely forget all the stupid shit you did the night before, it's MUCH easier to push it to the back of your mind and then just take another shot to bury it that little bit deeper.

In the 3 years I was first in Japan, I did a lot of stupid, drunken shit. Nothing that crazy, but you know, things I'd much rather forget. (Wanking off Mickey Mouse boy ring any bells??) But you see, I'm in a tough spot now, I got pregnant after just 2 months of dating Ryota, and you know those first few months of dating where you don't fart, and you put on make-up before the guy sees you in the morning and try to act all proper so you can seal the deal? Yeah, well we kinda skipped the next stage where you're supposed to let it all hang out and reveal your deepest secrets to each other and shit, I got knocked up and married so quickly that I've never told Ryota most of the crazy stories, there's also cultural and language barriers that make me hesitant to tell him certain stories too. So god bless blogs and the lovely sensation of spilling the beans without fear of judgement from the father of your child! Of course, anonymous commenters may judge, but I'd rather that than having to live with the judgement!

So, here is one of the stories from the slutty drunken period, no gang bangs or amateur pornos or anything that good, but slutty enough to warrant a dirty laundry post I think!

Brazilian back seats...
I was at the club. Again. I didn't even go with any friends that night I was getting so good at blending in and making random friends and lovers. It was getting dangerous, I'd find a group of friends and then suddenly I'd get a pang of familiarity and they'd say "You don't remember us from the other week!?" The Osaka club scene is pretty small, you have to be careful as everyone blends in to one. This night was a particularly drunken one. I was drinking Moscow mules, my drink of choice to get totally fucked up and chances of vomiting my guts out to the point of a torn wind pipe were high, but it was better than drinking beer, it made me bloated and took about 12 to get me fucked up by that point.

I'd stay at the bar and down three drinks in a row, it was all-you-can-drink so I'd just down it and they'd pour another one without walking away from me. I vaguely knew the bar tender, but so many of them are tattooed and pierced that I'd forgotten his name but was trying to look confident, like the ground wasn't spinning as I found myself once again with my head thrown back and looking at the bottom of an empty glass, the bitter citrus and vodka ripping through my system like acid. When I felt the urge to vomit I knew it was time to dance, I needed to move around, get the blood flowing and the alcohol to take over so I wouldn't want to stab the next fucking Japanese bitch with a short skirt and spike heels that stepped on my foot, once I was pissed enough I either wouldn't notice or I'd just push her out of my way with a definite shove.

I reached the dance floor and squeezed in to my usual spot near the speaker, perfect for making the 'hands in the air signal' and pretending you couldn't hear if some douchebag was talking to you, or if he looked worth it, an excuse to take him away to a quieter corner so you could hear each other better. And sure enough, pretty soon, the Nigerian guy who I'd made the mistake of shagging once came over and started sweating all over me. I pretended I couldn't hear him and then I pretended I couldn't remember him but he still didn't get the point and I was annoyed that I had to move away from my usual poaching spot. I started dancing and edged myself away and got lost in the crowd, back to the other side of the stage and I was safe again, it was then that the guy we called the 'French hobbit' came bobbing over, his big bald head glistening with sweat, the only thing I liked about the French hobbit was that he was straight up, no fucking around with small talk, he'd grab a big handful of your arse without even kissing both your cheeks and as soon as I'd slap his hand away he'd make a pissed off face and then go target some poor naive J-girl who didn't see the hobbit-ness of him. After I'd gotten ridden of Frenchie I was almost getting pissed off and thinking about catching the last train home but decided on one last drink in the hope that the night would improve. But it's always the nights you think are going to be shit that take interesting turns isn't it?

I ended up talking to a group of Brazilian guys at the bar, Brazilians in Japan are always great fun because they usually only speak Portuguese and there's always a big confusing pot of English, Spanish, Japanese and Portuguese in the language mix. The guy I'd taken a liking to couldn't speak a word of English, so we were communicating in broken Japanese, I knew this meant his wife was probably Japanese, but you try not to think of things like that when you're trying to pull. We didn't even dance, we didn't even go through the normal channels, we just left. He grabbed my hand and that was it. It was still early and we went out in to the cool night air and started kissing up against the wall of the building the club was in but I still had the senses to not want to make gross public displays of affection so I said we had to go somewhere. I didn't want to go to a love hotel and I definitely didn't want to go back to my place so I asked him if he had a car, and he did, perfect!

We walked a fair while, it wasn't coin parking so it must have been his house or work parking lot, now I think about it, it was incredibly dangerous, winding through those dark streets, but we laughed the whole way, probably saying the same thing in each other's languages like, "Fucking hell, I can't believe we're doing this, I don't even know your name!!"
We reached his car and climbed in the back seat, I sat on a squeaky toy and tried to block out the fact that a squeaky toy means this guy had kids, and we got to it. It was so fun and carefree, when it was over we just lay there, my feet up against the back windows and for a minute came to my senses and freaked out. But the Brazilian guy was giggling like a little girl as he tried to find a cigarette and I had to laugh as I told him I didn't smoke but he gave me one anyway because he wanted to be a gentleman! I stuck it behind my ear and struggled to get dressed again. When I got out of the car I was cold, my legs were wobbly and I realised I had no idea how to get back to the club, Brazilian guy walked me back and we parted ways at the street before the club, he gave me a long kiss and said "Ciao bella!" with that cheeky Brazilian giggle. I never did ask him his name, but I was kind of glad. I didn't feel dirty or like a whore (although I did get a cigarette out of it!) I just felt the usual feeling of 'what the fuck is going on' that is so common when you drink too much for a long period of time.

I went back to the club and danced until it closed at 7am, it was a fucking great night, but who knows how I had the energy!

Monday, 25 April 2011


OK, I know, the "We'll discuss Japanese men giving their mummies a good rogering tomorrow" has turned in to, "We'll discuss Japanese men giving their mummies a good rogering a few days later" but fuck me I've been drowning in shit like this...

and this...

and not to forget the brownies, biccies and easter cake I stayed up till 3am baking...

All my own doing and not only did we have a great day at the school but we raised over 20,000 yen for the earthquake fund which is awesome, I've decided to leave the donation box for a bit longer in case any other students want to donate money, let's face it, if they can afford English lessons they can afford to fork out a bit of cash for the poor buggers up north.

Right, on to more mother fucking issues. Quite literally.

I'll rewind to the conversation Ryota and I had last week which started off about BIL and his absolute waste of space-ness. The whole family was stunned and mortified when I could read a kanji (Chinese character) that he couldn't. To be fair to him the character was that for German measles and I'm bound to be more in the know about kids illnesses than him, but still, most Japanese people should be able to read it  (風疹). Grandma even made a point of saying "Holy fuck this kid is dumb, even Corinne knew what it was!" I don't think she was intending to have a go at me, and my kanji reading is pretty shit but still, got a few of my brash gaijin feathers ruffled for a bit over it. BIL is incredibly dumb though, there's just no way of getting around it. I feel a bit sorry for him, he missed 2 years of primary school due to having Leukemia so the kanji cramming years were spent fighting for his life and stuff. But still, he's a dopey bastard in so many ways, childhood illness really just doesn't cover them all. Plus dog-fucker is a dopey cunt too so it's in the DNA. Of course Ryota and my son are immune to the dopey gene... HA! wishful thinking!

Anyway, we got on to the fact that if BIL has to wake up for something, (which isn't often, being unemployed and all) he writes a note, leaves it on the kitchen table, and then his mum or Grandma have to go upstairs and wake him up.

Ummmmm what the fuck, is he 2?? No, he's twenty-fucking-three.

When I was 23, not only did I have the amazing ability to wake up for my full-time job but I also did shit like go drinking the night before and then take 3 shots of vodka straight from a conbini bottle as I walked in to work to keep me drunk until my lunch break! OK, that was pretty stupid, but fuck me, I faced the consequences and I certainly didn't need anyone to wake me up. I was ranting away in English about it actually being MIL's fault and Japan's coddling of boys, which is always dangerous because MIL senses my tone and catches her name every so often, but I wasn't really that angry, just kind of disgusted. I then came to the conclusion that BIL really needs to get out of the house and in to the real world but then Ryota came up with this little gem: "Well, if he marries a Japanese girl, it will be the same, she'll wake him up, that's what Japanese wives do.." Implying that if he sleeps in I will say "You stupid fucker, you slept in!" And that the fact that I am in no way responsible for Ryota waking up is some shocking cultural difference he has to put up with!

I came back with the first thing I could think of: "Soooo you're saying that Japanese men pretty much just marry a version of their mother... The only difference is that they can fuck?"

His response? "Pretty much..."

So there, straight from the horse-who-wants-to-fuck-his-mother's mouth!

He's said this to me before, that Japanese wives boss their husbands about much more than foreign women do. He says that Japanese men married to foreign wives get screwed two ways because foreign women don't organise their husband's lives for them but they also do whatever the fuck they want. And that pretty does sum it up for us, there is no way I am telling my husband when and where he should take a piss but I'll decide to go drinking and tell him he's the babysitter for the night. Still, he should be happy he still has his own balls and if I died he could actually survive by himself. Of course even Ryota has it easy I think, he'd be living on cup ramen and be totally lost if I wasn't here, of course he doesn't realise this yet, and won't unless I actually kick the bucket before him and all his female family members aren't around to save his sorry arse. I was astounded at how easily he admitted to wanting a mummy for a wife though. Maybe it's not just J-men, all men??

On a totally unrelated but very juicy blog topic, dog-fucker has her panties in a twist at me and it got quite heated at one point tonight.
Basically, the charity party had me running around cooking and making cute Easter type shite all weekend with no help from any other fucker (although a lovely offer from Sassymoo, thank you!!!) plus full day of lessons and looking after Ash on Saturday (Ryota had over time and MIL was working as an election bitch in the car, you know the ladies you want to hurl a rock at as they wave and deafen you with the mic from the election cars!?) and MIL called me and said the dog-fucker would be happy if I asked her to help me. But you know what, I'd rather cook fucking bunny cupcakes until 3am by myself than spend time with dog-fucker and feel like I owe her something so I didn't call her and then she went on a rant to MIL that I don't treat her like a sister because I never ask her for help. God she's a fucking mental case.

Anyway, I heard the rant and just pretended like nothing was wrong but she got pissed off and retreated upstairs. Then the next day, a few friends stayed for a bit after the Easter party and Ryota called me to come get Ash because he had to go get motorbike parts and dog-fucker wouldn't look after Ash. Fucking whore, oh wait, can't call a virgin a whore... Fucking mangy bitch.

I'm off to their house for okonomiyaki tonight, hoping her face comes in contact with the grill, would be a great improvement.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

It's been confirmed, all that Japanese men want...

Is to fuck their own mother.

More on this tomorrow, how about some photos for now.

Monday, 18 April 2011

God I wish I could say 'cunt' in Japanese...

Because if I could the cunts would have been flying yesterday!

Working on Saturday is really fucking me off of late, my last lesson finishes at 8 so by the time I've closed the school, got Monday's stuff ready, done any paperwork for the week and dragged myself home there is usually time for a shower and... bed.Possibly a shag if I'm lucky. Dear god how my Saturday nights have changed for the worse... Anyway, because of this, I cherish Sunday. If I spend the whole day cleaning the house (which is probably what some good housewife would do) then I'm just going to be on my death bed thinking "Fucking hell why didn't I actually do something on my Sundays instead of washing the bloody sheets!!!" If that was the case I think I'd smother myself with a pillow in sheer shame. So I make plans for Sunday. If that plan is lying around the house watching movies then that's fine, but Sunday is a very relaxed day for me, I refuse to cook and cleaning is limited to my anal retentive carpet vacuuming and essential-only dish washing.

So on Sunday when Ash woke up early and I went downstairs with him to give Ryota a sleep-in I started getting bitter and resentful before the day had even begun. There was some talk of going to Ryota's dad's place but err, fuck that. Ryota sleeping-in then going to the most boring place on earth, not my idea of a good day. If I had my way I would be off to the beach every Sunday but the 3 hour drive and small grumpy boy I'm stuck with (wow, one for the worst mother ever quote book there...) make that impossible so for the time being the next best thing is some sort of outdoor activity, shopping, or looking at something interesting at the very least. Considering it was 8am and nothing in Japan opens in Japan until 10, I made vanilla pancakes and stuffed fore mentioned grumpy boy with sugar, got my eyelash curler out and decided I was off to the big smoke for the day. I used to live in Osaka and I miss it more than anything. The random fights on the street, the familiar smell of urine and... old water? The hustle and bustle of the big city was something I totally enjoyed. Not that small town living doesn't have it's perks, nobody has wanked all over my door or anything yet...

So I got quite excited at the thought of the crowds, shops, and vast array of food that wasn't sushi or McDonald's. As I was heading out the door, Ryota struggled out of bed giving a half-arsed apology for sleeping so long and asked where I was going. I said Osaka and he put on the trampled puppy look and was all "What about me, aren't I coming??" Ummm, I don't know, are you? Either throw on a shirt and have a shower in a can or you're staying in I guess! He didn't get it in his sleepy state and I just toned it down to "If you want..." So he got ready and we all traipsed off.

I was actually glad he came in the end as Ash is impossible to keep in one spot and I wasn't not looking at(OK maxing out the credit card on) precious English books, even if it meant my much sought after halfuu child being abducted by some psycho. So I looked at books while Ryota and Ash took great delight in watching some sort of cleaning demonstration going on nearby. Ryota eyed the big brown bag full of books as I came out but I just have to put my lips in to the shape that may utter the words "heated wetsuit imported from the US" and he shuts his trap pretty quickly. There wasn't too much else I wanted to do but I knew I wanted a big, fat steak for lunch, and what better place than outback, the Aussie themed restaurant that has a suspicious American feel to it. Whatever,give me a whole deep-fried onion and a steak with refillable drinks as a bonus and fuck I'll hop up on the table and sing the American national anthem in honour of the beautiful greasy food nation I'm so happy!

The day was going so well until we decided to go to the big electronics store. We were only going to look at toys, but every other Tom, Dick and Harry (Or Tanaka, Yamada and Suzuki in this case) were obviously out looking for the latest digital bargains because it was packed. Every elevator opened to cars crammed full of bodies touching each other in inappropriate places. Now I'm all for escalators or even stairs for that matter, but with a kiddo that squirms and wants to ride the escalator rather than sit in the damn stroller it is almost impossible. So, after 3 elevator rejections, I told Ryota we were standing in front of the 'special elevator' and if there was one person in there that didn't have a stroller, wheelchair or look like they had one foot in the grave I was chucking them out. I should point out that this wasn't just a disabled elevator but also for people with strollers so I was totally following protocol.

Ryota looked a bit embarrassed but followed me on my mission. I get this way once in a while, I'm all placid and then suddenly I just have to make a big, gaijin scene about something that pisses me off. We waited impatiently as the little lights seemed to take an age to reach us and when the doors finally opened I was almost disappointed to find that it wasn't that crowded, but still crowded enough. Ryota, Ash in the stroller and I could have comfortably fit except there was a man in a wheelchair with his mum pushing him waiting behind us. Now Ryota, being a Japanese fucker, went ahead of the wheelchair dude with Ash as I waited and told them to hop in before me but with Ash's stroller in there, it was getting pretty squishy, I felt the fire light up as I knew I was going to get the chance to say "You have legs, fucking walk you lazy cunt!" The poor mum pushing the wheelchair said "Ohhh I don't think we'll fit..." and that was my chance, Ryota gave me a nervous glance as I said, "This elevator is for people in wheelchairs and with babies, of course you can!" She caught a glimpse of my blond hair and anxiously did a bow as I ushered her in. The 4 or 5 people cunts that obviously had no reason to be in the fucking elevator shifted uncomfortably and looked at their fully functional feet, arseholes. I was annoyed that I hadn't been more bitchy in my approach so I did the next best thing and did an English rant with the word cunt featuring strongly.

Ryota couldn't understand what the big deal was but I made sure I spent the next 15 minutes or so grilling him on why every other fucking rule in Japan must be followed but when it comes to disabled seats on the train/elevators/parking that everyone just feels the need to ignore the god damn mother fucking rules!? If you are going to have a pole up your arse when it comes to things like stamping the box and then initialing the box when you make a mistake then stamping the initial that you made the original mistake on then fuck me, give people who are unfortunate enough to have lost the ability in their legs by being disabled or the ability to have a social life by having small children a fucking break! I have a theory that it's the old 'ignore the things that aren't so pretty and they aren't here' that crops up occasionally but who knows, people may just actually be cunts.

Lucky there are a few obnoxious gaijin women left to rock the fucking elevator!

Friday, 15 April 2011

Damn it

I keep starting to write posts and then never finish them, or get distracted by something sparkly, (AKA online shopping)or never know how to write everything that's been happening lately. So yeah, I suck! I also have been totally busy at the school and with totally cleaning and re-organising our house. I finished today and have the wrinkly chemical hands to prove it. Once I started I couldn't stop. And you know what, I discovered after about an hour of scrubbing my cooker? It's actually all grey, not black!! Wow that's a horrible thing to admit but it's true, I was totally amazed!

Anyway, back to the actual point of this post... That car accident that Ryota was involved in? Yeah, turned in to a total shit storm! Basically, like I said, all accidents involving a car and a motorbike will always leave the car at fault but the lady who was driving got pretty stroppy and tried to get the insurance companies to make it 50/50 as she claimed Ryota was actually at fault. Now, I'm pretty damn sure that Ryota was in the wrong, but from what I can tell, I'm not sure if it was totally his fault. She was turning right into a driveway and he zipped around a car that was stopped and they collided in the middle. But in Oz (as far as I know) if someone's turning right they have to be watching for oncoming traffic no matter how fast it's going, or they're fucked. Anyway, it was her word against his but he had decided not to press charges against her because I told him to not be a cunt as kharma would surely come and knock me off my scooter or something. But after she started being a bitch I was all for it! And not one to back down from a fight, Ryota then assured them that he would happily make it a personal case which would mean the silly bitch forking out big yen and losing her licence and Ryota forking out the same as a speeding ticket and 1 point off his licence. Stupid cow.

Thhhheeeeennnnnn, she had the nerve to say that there was 6 kids in the car with her and they were having back pain!! What the fuck, I was there and I saw one kid hanging out the window shouting "Ehhh gaijin yaaaa!!!" but definitely not 6! Ryota then actually called her directly and told her that the city would be investigating the case (as he is a city worker) and that she should be careful to not end up being charged with fraud... Of course this was bullshit, but in Japan, when push comes to shove it's not name calling that works, it's name dropping. She then did a total turn around and started crying on the phone that she was so sorry and didn't know what to do. Stupid cow. Although well done Ryota for being smart about it as I would have just called her a stupid (OK maybe cunting...) cow and gotten really angry.

The next night, she comes to our house, with cake and cookies... And not like 100 yen roll cake either...

Guilt cake tastes better than normal cake...

I was gobsmacked though, she tries it on and then thinks that cake is going to make it all better?? And it did!! Ryota was well impressed that she came crawling back with her tail between her legs and decided to let the insurance company handle it. She also came to the house again the next night with a big bag of snacks for Ash.
So now not only is Ryota getting a brand new bike as she said they feel guilty about him riding a bike that has been in an accident even if it is fixed (huh!?), but all his medical bills, (went for x-rays and massage on his shoulder)the cost of a new watch, new pants, new shirt, pain and suffering money, and the cost of a rental bike he is using now (despite the fact that we have a car he could use)... I'm all for taking full advantage of the system but the poor cow's insurance company won't cover it all and she will have to fork out. Meh, it's sorted anyway, but it was quite a big drama at one point!

My advice?? Go have a bingle on your bike and you'll get shitloads of cake!

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Fights and near death experiences.

Well the fight was mine, near death experience was Ryo-chan...

Last night Ryota and I had a pretty big spat about something quite stupid. What the fuck was it... (OK about 3 minutes of sitting thinking later) I remember now! Ash didn't want to put his pants on and was taking great pleasure in rubbing his bum and naughty bits on every surface he could possibly reach. This is all fun and games until something important gets little boy piss all over it. I let it go on for about 10 minutes and then went to put his pyjamas on whether he liked it or not. Obviously he didn't and was carrying on like I'd just pulled the head of his Buzz doll or something and in the process bumped his head on the hard bit of the sofa. Now, the whole time he was screaming and wriggling Ryota was saying "Just leave him, put them on later!" I'm no strict parent but I'm not going to have my 2 year old dictate what does and doesn't get pissed all over just because he feels like free ballin.' Ryota is all about the easy way out when it comes to discipline but I feel this helps Ash in no way at all. Kiddies need boundaries, not suffocating, oh-my-god-I-fucking-hate-my-mum, therapy-inducing boundaries. But some indication that mum and dad are the boss until they're old enough to be stupid and take the consequences themselves. So I ignored the Japanese parent who was never told 'no' once in his life and put the damn pants on.

When Ash bashed his head Ryota said "See I told you just to leave it!!" It wasn't a serious bump, Ash didn't even cry, but you know, still felt guilty enough without fuck face rubbing it in. He ALWAYS does this! If I give Ash some food that is too hot, he gets all huffy and says "Why didn't you check how hot it was!?" And it pisses me off soooo fucking much. In the reverse situation I never say shit, even if I'm thinking it, because I know it was a fucking accident, I know he feels bad, I'm not going to make it worse. Anyway, this pissed me off enough for me to take the oppourtunity to go and close the school to blow off some steam. Ryota went surfing the last 2 days so was all tired and grumpy anyway and started bitching about the fact that he was going to have to watch Ash for you know, all of 20 minutes or so. I reminded him that I wasn't doing shots and dancing on tables at the school, I was in fact going to be doing work preparation for the next day's lessons but if he really wanted to go to bed I would take Ash with me and he could amuse himself with the various balls and plastic fruit at the school. We were both still pissed at each other so it was a very "FINE!" "FINE THEN!" tense kind of conversation.

So I started to get ready to take Ash to the school (in the pissing rain mind you) and as I was doing so Ryota starts getting a DVD out of it's case. Errrr what the fuck!? The only reason I was taking Ash with me was so he could sleep. I asked him if he was going to watch a movie and when I said Yes I did a big sigh and slammed the front door behind me. He then muttered some obscenity in Japanese as we started running in the rain for the school and I gave the finger to the house as I left, hehe hope nobody was watching me! After calming down a bit at the school I was still pretty angry but just dealt with it and went back home about half an hour later but the house was dark (a total fucking mess because god forbid he pick something up once in his life) and quiet. I took Ash up to bed and we did the whole 'silent treatment but just talking through your kid' routine until Ash and Ryota were both asleep when I went downstairs and totally reorganised the kitchen while downing a beer and hidden treasure umeshu I'd forgotten I had. I was hoping the booze would make me sleepy but the thrill (hehe fuck I'm lame!) of all the clean, spacious shelves and cupboards made me want to keep going on the kitchen until it was done. At about 3am I got in to bed and actually had a nice sleep in in the morning! This morning was still pretty tense between us but it wasn't really a big enough fight to be totally pissed with each other.

Anyway, at about 11am I decided to take Ash to the park and Ryota decided to go get a haircut. He goes off on his motorbike, us on my bicycle. As I was cycling down the road I suddenly see Ryota stopped talking to a lady and several people gawking at them too. I cycle over and find Ryota's bike pretty smashed up and the woman looking pretty damn pale. I just caught the end of the conversation to hear her saying "OK, I better go call the police then..." I made sure Ryota was OK and he told me best I pissed off as I'm a bit of a celebrity in our little semi-iinaka community and if I was spotted where the police were wouldn't be the best advertisement for the school. So I did and got the gossip later. Apparently Ryota was totally in the wrong as he was doing some ridiculous speed nowhere near the limit and was trying to go around a car that was turning right as he's a totally impatient driver. The poor woman had hit him and lucky for us no matter how much some punk on a motorbike may be in the wrong, the car is always at fault. Which means her insurance will cover whatever the bike costs (possibly a new one as the steering panel looks pretty fucked)and Ryota gets no penalty. Pretty damn unfair but that's the way it is I guess. The police even asked him if he wanted her to lose points off her licence and lucky he said no or I would have done him more damage than any bike accident could. He was incredibly lucky, just a skinned knee and a swollen shoulder but could have been much much worse. Despite being a fucker at times I'd be pretty damn messed up if he went and died on me! It also got us over our fight pretty quickly, so today has been a pretty lucky day! Hope your weekends are much more quieter than ours!

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Busy days! And nights...

I'm such a shit blogger, sorry!

We've been insanely bust lately. On Sunday Ryota got into organising nazi mode and we had a massive fight. I'm a tricky fucker when it comes to organising things. I HATE starting. But once I'm in to it and definitely when I'm finished, I love it. The feeling of throwing away old crap and having a new tidy space is so good, especially in Japan where space is so damn precious. Although Ryota's approach to the whole thing pisses me off. He makes me feel like a lazy bitch because he wants to organise the house yet I pick up after his lazy arse every. single. day. We are so opposite in our cleaning modes but I guess it kind of works out in the end. Our house is so organised now and Ryota just got back from dumping 150kgs, yes 150!!! (and that wasn't even all of it) so I feel very refreshed. Only the kitchen left and that's the weekend mission.

The school has also been incredibly busy with trial lessons and new students, I signed our 35th student today, not bad for not being open a year yet! My schedule is actually a bit better from April as well, not as many 8pm finishes which just fucks up dinner time royally. I also had another soccer announcing gig last night and it was much easier the 2nd time around, plus my team won! Bonus! Although there was a pretty major fuck up that appeared to be my fault (me talking on the mic at the same time as the Japanese MC) it was actually the MC and my boss who fucked up by not following the script and giving me the OK to announce, respectively. Not too worried though as was right after a goal and all the fans were so loud I don't think anyone noticed. I still get my ridiculous amount of cash at the end of it anyway.

What else what else... I'm loving spring! The flowers and warm weather is just making me all tingly. Hate having to stay inside when the weather is so nice. I can't wait for summer though, as much as the humid sweat fest annoys me, I'm actually looking forward to it this year. Hoping to do a hike or two and hopefully get around to climb Mt. Fuji now I'm fit enough to not have some sort or heart attack half way up.

I'm amazed that Ryota and I have escaped this week with only one fight as he's been off work all week and I was sure that we would kill each other by the end of it, but it has all been very civilised and love-lovey. Even got a few shags in (hence the busy nights title!) Not only shagging going on at night though, there was also one night where Ryota started making these weird noises in his sleep, like moaning, but REALLY fucking loud. I was still awake and started pissing myself laughing as I thought it was a sex dream. I also took the liberty of recording it on my phone, I wonder if I can upload that here... Anyway, he kept moaning and I kept giggling and recording until the moans started to sound a bit less sexual and a bit more shit-scared. The last one also sounded like he was saying "Corinnnnneeee!!!" It was then I had the thought, 'holy fuck the bastard is having a stroke and I've been lying here recording it!' So I woke him up and he was sweating like a motherfucker. He then told me he had been having a nightmare that a ghost was holding him from behind and he was trying to call my name but his mouth wouldn't work properly! Poor twat, I was relieved he hadn't had a stroke and he had to admit that despite my recording antics demonstrating I am in fact a horrible wife, it was also very very funny to listen to.