Thursday, 11 June 2015

People in glass houses

Shouldn't throw Grandmas. Or small boys. Or anything for that matter...

I never actually realised how much glass there is in old Japanese houses but when you break it down, genkan door, sliding doors, plus all the usual back door and window fuckery.

So last week was just bad when it came to glass, first of all, after being pissed at Grandma over the whole homework thing, I wasn't not talking to her, but I wasn't making my usual small talk. I was happily relaxing at home when I heard a huge crash and glass shattering, I instantly thought a kitchen cabinet had collapsed at Grandmas house and flew up (as fast as a chubby white girl can move anyway, so really not flew but more stomped awkwardly) to see what had happened. Of course Ryota flicked his eyes up once from whatever ridiculous thing he was looking at on the computer and then went back to it despite pretty much all his surviving family members being at Grandma's house. So I get outside and do the two steps to Grandma's front door and see Grandma in a heap on the genkan floor in a bed of chunky glass that had smashed as she crashed through the door. Apparently she'd slipped trying to get up the step and had fallen backwards. Being 87 and all she had no time for balancing and went down into the door, poor old thing. In true Grandma style though she got up and walked away broken bone free and nothing but a little scratch from some glass. So bottom line- the door is fucked, Grandma is fine!

So a few days later I was at work, just finishing up a kids lesson when a happy little 7 year old shouted "Bye Bye Corinne Sensei!!!" and ran to go out the door, would have been fine, only he missed the handle and went straight through the glass door of the school. Fuuuuuucccckkkk. He stood on the other side, his face as white as mine and I thought we'd got out of it unscathed until I looked down to see a massive chunk of glass embedded in his wrist. I'm not too bad with blood, but holy fuck it started pissing out everywhere and I could see some funky shit at the bottom of his cut, it was white and not normal so I sat him down, remembered my American soap watching first aid skills and wrapped a hanky around the cut. Called Ryota AKA Mr Calm in an emergency and then called an ambulance. Now I get fucking nervous on the phone in Japanese when I'm ordering a pizza, so trying to get an ambulance was a whole new level of panic for me, I managed somehow though and after an eternity the little men came in their little ambulance and took the poor kid to hospital. 10 stitches and a new door later and we're sweet again but fuck me, I'm thinking of blocking off all glass, it's just not worth the hassle!

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Fuck it!

Scrap the moving, I thought a new place would help me get bloggy motivated but it just ain't happening. Why? Because I'm err, terribly busy (read lazy).

But in all honesty, my life is just too... good? Boring? for blogging anymore. Nobody wants to read about some chubby gaijin in Japan who spends her days working, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with their kid. Rinse repeat every fucking day of the week. But I do miss using my brain, the whole rinse repeat routine is seriously sending me even more into the depths of bimbo-ness than I already was, and I didn't even think that was possible!

So writing, even about the mundane, and occasionally the juicy, is my new-June resolution. Fucking hate May, I'm declaring May the new end of year. June shall be my new start- blogging! Running! Perfect mothering! Ok, I'll be realistic and just stick with more blogging.

An update... Ryota is splitting his time between his landscaping business and being a stay-at-home Daddy. Of course this totally throws the balance of shit out because we're all fucking cave people who can't shake the 'man work- woman stay home' even when it makes total financial sense and saves the sanity of all involved. His male pride seems to take a fair beating every few weeks, as does my maternal instincts and mother's guilt. But despite the hiccups, it is actually working. With the balance thrown off it actually stops us trying to "out-tire" each other, our roles are so different there's just no comparison anymore. Plus I'm finally learning that if your husband says "Fuck me I'm shattered!" Rather than reminding him that 'I am, also, totally fucking, cunting, WAY more shattered than you!!' It's best to give a sympathetic smile and thank him for working so hard. The peace is kept, and sometimes that's all you need.

I'm currently fighting with Great-grandma, I know, she's 87, I shouldn't engage the old thing, she might up and die on us and then I'd feel totally fucking guilty, and that would just be annoying! But really, she assured me that her or dog-fucker (who still lazes around the house all day AT 30 by the way) would be able to help Ash do his homework on days when Ryota and I were both at work, which considering we're normal functioning humans is pretty much every day. So the other day I see Ash fly by the school on  his bike and knew it was way too early for him to be finished homework and came home to discover Grandma had told him he didn't have to do it. I was PISSED. Not that I give a fuck about homework, but we made a rule and there needs to be some consistency or the little bugger will never listen to me. So I yelled at Ash and told him not to listen to Grandma. She then flies in with apron flapping and tells me not to blame other people because I should be there to teach him. Ahhh, first of all, fuck off grandma! And second, it's fine if she can't teach him but the only reason I pulled him out of after school care was because she explicitly said she'd make sure he did his homework.

Anyway, like I said, not going to give her the silent treatment because who knows how long she will be around but apparently dog-fucker heard the whole exchange and is now pissed at me. She was due for a psychotic episode soon so I guess I should wait for the sparks to fly there.

Right, off to do the most exciting thing of my day- walk to the bus stop to pick Ash up from swimming! Aiming for writing only, didn't say it would be that good or exciting!

Thursday, 8 January 2015


Anyone still checking back in here and being bitterly disappointed with my lack of bitter writing, sorry! I'm going to attempt blogging again because I think my brain is turning into something resembling my two-year old's dinner.

Let's Japan

Monday, 3 March 2014


Blogging just isn't happening for me of late is it!?

I still occasionally will stop in though, (like now when a student isn't showing up and I'm bored!) lots has happened since the last post!

*Ryota still isn't talking to his family, which actually kinda suits everyone fine, he doesn't mooch off them for free babysitting, I still go there and chat, the boys still go there... Nothing is really that bad! I'm sure he'll start talking to them again when he needs something, but it's been like 4 months now!!

*BIG news, dog-fucker has left the building!!! 2014 is a good year! She out of the blue a few weeks ago said to me, "I'm going to Thailand!" and I was like, "Cool, sounds fun, get me a fake bag on the way home!" until she explained by 'going' she meant 'living!' As much as I'm happy she's out of my way, I'm actually so much more happy that she's actually having the balls to go out on her own, work, interact with people! So good for her, I'm hoping (and expecting) she'll definitely grow up if she can stick it out there, we may even be friends when she gets back!? OK, probably not, but it just makes me have so much more respect for her already! She's supposed to stay for 2 years, I hope she can do it!

*Since the last post I've been back to Australia for a holiday. 2 lovely weeks of swimming, jogging on the beach, sausage rolls, not giving a fuck about schedules and work. Was so nice, for the first time in a long time I didn't want to come back to Japan at all. Although now I'm here I did miss my own comfy schedule, my inner Japanese person does come at times.

*Ryota and I are going pretty well, although we did have a cracker of an argument yesterday which ended up in him saying to me:
"Get out you fucking cunt!" to which I replied, "No YOU get out, you're the one who doesn't have a job!"...
To be fair to him, he doesn't realise how bad that is to say in English, but he got it once I explained that me attacking his male pride is just as bad as screaming at me to get out and that I'm a cunt. I wasn't backing down and we sorted it in the end anyway!

*Looking forward to April, Spring and the new job opportunities that will be coming what with Ryota starting his own business (aka having no job!) and me working a crazy busy new schedule at various kindergartens and my own school.

Hopefully someone out there is still reading, I promise to try harder to blog!!!

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Chopstick etiquette

I can't believe I didn't write about this!!

I hope someone coming to Japan will look up chopstick etiquette and then get sent here to read all about my ridiculous family and their countless battles...

So, things have been OK since dog fucker and I had the big blow out in summer, but still kinda, tense... It's hard to go back from big fights in my opinion. However, unless I was totally pissed off I'd decided to keep the peace (AKA keep the babysitters) from now on. Ryota made no such promise though and was the one that go into it this time.

I was actually at work so am getting the story from both sides second hand but from what I can tell:
Ryota was looking after the boys while I was working, which for a Japanese dad with family close by pretty much means 20% looking after and 80% going to their parents house while their family looks after the kids. Now usually this is OK, but dog fucker gets cranky about it at random times when she has her knickers in a twist, or she has her period, or she just feels like being a fucker. And fair enough, that's totally her right and would be completely understood in a western country.

So dog fucker had her nose out of joint to begin with as far as I can see. Then they were having dinner and it ended up as Ryota and dog fucker at the table together. Japanese family dinner usually consists of stuff in big bowls that you take stuff from and put on your own little plate, and apparently dog fucker was attacking a giant boiled radish but instead of taking it from the big bowl and putting it on her bowl to cut up and eat, she was cutting it up in the big bowl. Now Ryota pretty much told her to stop being disgusting and take it from the bowl instead of poking her spit-covered choppies and infecting the other radishes. Fuck me, even writing it is so stupid... So dog fucker took real offence to this and told him to fuck off to his own house if he didn't like it. Ryota then let his famous temper go and let rip on her about being a freakish freak who has never had to co-exist with other people, no manners, no social graces blah blah.

This escalated to Ryota hurling some fried chicken at her head and her responding with smashing a plate on the ground. I really wish I had been there if only for the comedic value.
Apparently after that it calmed down a bit and they were just ignoring each other, but about an hour later Ryota was watching telly and dog fucker ended up looking after Bailey and screamed at Ryota to look after his own fucking kid. (or something to that Japanese effect.) Now fair play to her, but still, she's such a bitch that I instantly have to take his side, plus he's supposed to be my life partner and all...

Now the person I feel sorry for is MIL, she was just an innocent bystander, when Ryota asked her who she thought was right, and she sided with dog fucker, or not even sided, but just tried to be diplomatic it seems. Now Ryota refers to them as "the bitch whores" and hasn't talked to either of them in a month. This really doesn't effect me so much except for the times when I want everyone to just piss off out of the house so I can clean it, that just never happens anymore. Lucky I don't clean that often I guess.

Not sure how it will end, Christmas and New year went by with no contact, the next event will be Ash's birthday at the end of this month but I'm guessing we'll probably end up with 2 different parties. Fun and family games!

So please, do be careful with those chopsticks, if you misuse them they may become weapons of mass radish destruction!

Tuesday, 7 January 2014


I have a weird feeling about this year, I'm sure that weird feeling is just me worrying about the fact that Ryota is quitting his job in April and going it alone, but I think it will be a year of changes all round. Not sure who, or why, just a feeling.

I spent New Year's eve vomiting, which wasn't much fun! But I think it was a 12 hour bug because I was fine the next day and ready for the marathon of eating and drinking that is New Year in Japan. Was lovely, top grade beef sukiyaki, beer, wine, shochu, snacks, other people being more drunk and funnier than me, FIL giving out random 10,000 yen notes out for (drunken) otoshidama. Lovely. I really enjoy Japanese new year, now. Of course in a few years when I'm the oldest son's wife who will be responsible for putting on the new year do I'll fucking hate it, but for now it's awesome!

I didn't bother making any resolutions, because they're always the fucking same: lose weight, save money.
However I am going to work my arse off this year and get our house paid off so I can either be debt free or in another really big debt in 2015.

Ryota is still not talking to his family since he had a fight with dog fucker over chopstick etiquette and shows no signs of backing down, doesn't really effect me, I quite enjoy drama when I'm not directly involved. Who knows how that one will end.

We got back into the old routine of school and work today after the break and it feels good to be back in the swing!

Blogging is getting harder and harder for me, I just can't sit down and get all my thoughts into one cohesive block, but when I come up with something worth writing I will, no point forcing it!

Happy new year all, hope it's an excellent one!

Monday, 23 December 2013

2013 the stye

I have a stye, as in one of those annoying little fuckers on your eyelid. I've never had one before but they're really annoying! Kind of painful, itchy, not that big of a deal but still irritating enough to make you a cranky cow.

And I realised this is a perfect way to end 2013, because that was 2013 has been like for me, a stye. Personally, it's been a good year for me, two healthy kids, a decent enough marriage, good job, friends, family... But for people around me it seems to have been a really shit one, hence why this year is a stye, not that big of a deal, but not that good either.

I can think of at least 10 people I know that have lost close family members, my sister's house burned down, my dad was diagnosed with a nerve condition, my mum had both her eyes operated on, Grandma was in and out of hospital, dog fucker remained a right fucker, little brother almost died... All just crappy things that I felt pretty much helpless as I watched on.

The worst thing to happen this year was definitely earlier this month. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him on here before but about 3 years ago I had a 2 year old boy named Hayate start at the school, he'd been coming to lessons for about 2 years when he suddenly stopped for a month because they discovered cancer in his eye and he had to have his eye taken out. He came back to lessons with a patch but a few months later had to stop because he needed chemo. I went to visit him in the hospital in summer and it was heartbreaking then to see him all hooked up to tubes and with no hair, but I thought he'd pull through, he was talking, laughing, I was quizzing him on the ABC... Then I got a mail from his mum saying he'd died. Just gone, the same age as Ash, a happy, smiley, genki little boy, just gone. I went to the funeral and I just couldn't stop crying for days. Which made me feel guilty, I have no fucking right to be so upset when his mum is going through hell, but I just couldn't stop the emotion spilling out of me, I'd be jogging and think of him or his mum and dad and just have tears flowing.

So yeah, rather depressing stuff! I'm hoping 2014 won't be so shitty for everyone around me, and that this bastard stye pisses off just in time for me to drink a lot of alcohol and lounge around for new year! How was your 2013, stye-ish...?