Monday, 22 February 2010

Bent Ohh

or Ben toe...

Whatever you decide to call the bastards, I'm back to making the cunting things!

When I first signed up for the housewife deal, I wasn't sure if I was going to go down the whole bento making, wipe-your-arse-for-you style road, but after trying to make a few bento, I actually didn't mind doing it, my creative flint was sparked and it made me feel less guilty for sitting on my fat arse at home while husband dearest was slogging his guts out for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.

However... As the months went on, it got colder, and the monster that is my son got progressively worse when it came to sleeping. It actually got so bad at one point that I was waking up at least 10 times a night, if not for him actually waking me up, I would also wake up with the fear and stress that he would wake up any second! Hell. Pure. Fucking. Hell.

So, I pretty much tapered off on the bento making, and as it got really bastard cold, tapered off on getting up altogether and would just give a sleepy kiss and mutter an even sleepier "ganbatte"as Ryota left the warm toasty futon. And I have to say, I felt/feel so fucking bad for him, I know that feeling of utter jealousy and unfairness that comes with having to go to work when some other bastard gets to stay cuddled up in bed. Just before I had Ash, I was working and Ryota wasn't, every morning I would leave the house pissed off because he could sleep and I had to go and teach some little twerps the difference between "bus" and "bath." I just wanted to have a massive tanty and throw a bucket of ice water over him.

So remembering how that felt, and after some clever reverse psychology from Ryota involving him making his own bento and claiming that it was 'fun', I'm back in the genki housewife mode of getting up every morning and making brekky and bento. I also have to add that Ash is sleeping much better, hence me feeling slightly like a normal functioning society member rather than some kind of psycho-bitch zombie. I doubt I'll do it every morning but I should make some kind of effort to justify the fact that I am at this moment snuggled under the kotatsu watching over-dramatic Americans on American Idol while Ash amuses himself with a whisk. Parenting tip 101 right there people!

On a TMI note, just because it's been awhile... Have stopped breast feeding altogether, and as much as I'd like to say that I miss it because of the bonding blah blah blah, I won't bullshit, I'm fucking thrilled!! Having a small human attached to my tit was never that much of a bonding thing for me, more a pain in the arse and an excuse for Ryota to always palm Ash off on to me. The kid was a 12 stepper, wasn't easy but hopefully he won't want to look at any more boobies until he's at least a teenager. The upside of stopping breast feeding: I now have these purty, big, perky boobies. Downside: They hurt like a mother fucker and I know that once they go back to normal, until I get that boob job I've been hankering for, these puppies are going to need a loooottttt of wonderbra action to whip them into shape!

Right, enough titty talk for now, the whisk is losing it's charm...

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Do you ever get the feeling...

that you're being watched? Followed? Monitored?

I do, and no, I'm not just another crazy conspiracy theory loon.

I just live in Japan.

Oh and one big thing I forgot to mention. I'm not Japanese...

I don't know if I would consider myself a city girl, the place where I'm from in Australia isn't big city, but definitely not country. When I decided to live in Japan though, I wasn't coming for fresh mountain air and outdoor onsen (although those things are lovely in small doses), I wanted big city lights, conbini on every corner and a smokers cough from all the smog. So Osaka it was! And I wasn't disappointed, Osaka was exactly what I wanted. Sure, there were old dudes pissing in the streets and random men wanknig on my door once in a while, but it was allll worth it.

I met Ryota in a club in Osaka, so you'd think from that beginning it would be a match made in heaven, but noooo Ryota hates Osaka. He hates the people (says they're all nutty), hates the crowds, the packed trains, the rubbish, just generally hates it. So when he came to live with me in Osaka for 6 months, it was pretty much hell for him, he couldn't wait to get back to his Southern Hyogo little haven. And I have to admit, where we live now is not by any means iinaka. There are many conbini, a starbucks and Maccas not too far away, if we lived in an apartment near the station it would be pretty much perfect.

But no. We live in a house on a dirt path. Surrounded by crazy old people.

Seriously, I've never known a place to be crawling with so many old geezers, old nosy geezers at that.

In the past few weeks there seem to have been so many old buggers coming up to me, greeting me like I'm their long lost gaijin grand daughter.

Instance 1#- Old geezer sees me struggling with baby, shopping, nappy bag and general accumulated crap coming out of the car, but no, he doesn't help a white girl out, no on, he stops his bike and chuckles "Ahhh Onechan can drive. Ha Ha Ha!" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that so said "Sou desu ne" in Japanese and "Useless fucker, don't give me a hand or anything" in English. Would he say that to a random Japanese lady?? OK, I can't really class myself as a lady... But still!

Instance 2#- We go to a real estate agent to look at some properties and the old lady greets me with a massive spiel about how she's seen me sooo many times and was going to invite me in for tea but didn't know if i spoke Japanese. Great, now I'm going to have to go for tea the next time she sees me.

Instance 3#- Old lady comes up to me and tells me how big Ash has gotten. Errr, yup, if I knew you from a bar of soap it would help lady!!! She said she'd always seen me in the supermarket and was amazed that Ash was walking already. I smiled politely but inside I was just thinking, "Fuck now I have to memorise her face so I don't forget her and snob her off next time..."

I mean really, with the fear of sounding just the teeny tiniest bit racist, all these fuckers look the same to me!!! The size of Obachan's Louis Vuitton (see I can't even spell the fucker, let alone buy the whole collection!) bag or how big the wad of spit Occhan hocks up does not help me recognise them. They really expect me to just remember them after a nod in the street or a summimasen in the suupaa?? Maybe I should dye my hair black, get "black" contact lenses and shrink a bit and I might not have this problem.

I really really want to go back to the city where I blend in amongst all the other foreign bodies and am not quite so 'famous,' but convincing Ryota to go back to the city will be near impossible I feel. Oh well, at least I can't bitch about not standing out in a crowd or feeling individual. It does freak me out that I am probably dinner table conversation for some of the local oldies, can just imagine it, "Oh Otoosan, you should have seen that stupid white girl today, she had so much chocolate in her shopping basket the big giant lard arse!!! More boiled fish head...?"

OK, I'm sure they're all very nice, in a passive aggressive kind of way but I'm keen for a bit less fame I think...

Monday, 15 February 2010

Occupy your bitch and Valentine vomit.

Like so many other parents, I rely (heavily) on TV to distract my child.
Despite always thinking what crappy parenting it was before having a kid, I now rarely have anything but The Wiggles in the DVD player. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 15 years, (or are possibly just not Australian or don't have kids...) the Wiggles are an Australian group of 4 blokes who all wear a different coloured T-shirt, dance and sing and are incredibly genki and wholesome. Kids under about 5 or 6 are mesmerised by them for some reason. I like to justify plonking Ash in front of them because it's in English and it's also Australian English, so my son won't grow up mimicking the yankee accent that so many toys and TV shows adopt. MIL suggested that he watch Okaasan to issho, but Okaasan to isshyo can blow me because he hears Japanese 24/7 and totally doesn't need any more exposure.

The Wiggles songs are all icredibly catchy, I seriously find myself singing them ALL the fucking time now, and Ryota, good proactive Daddy that he is is, also goes round the house (sometimes naked) dancing and singing Wiggles stuff. It's funny to watch, but even funnier when he fucks up the lyrics..

Real Lyrics to Rockabye your bear:
Hands in the air!
Rockabye your bear!
Bear is now asleep.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Bear is now asleep.
Shh. Shh. Shh.

Ryota's version of Rockabye your bear:
Hands in the air!
Occupy your bitch!
Bitch is now asleep.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Bitch is now asleep.
Shh. Shh. Shh.

I loved it even more when he asked me what occupy meant and he told me how it means big tits in Japanese. Gold, pure international marriage gold.

So yesterday was Valentine's day. I think most people think Valentine's day is a big pile of steaming crap, no? If you really love someone, you're not just going to wait for one day to buy them something right?? Ryota was very wary about Valentine's day, and specifically asked me if there was going to be any crying or hissy fits involved if I didn't infact get a present. I assured him that I didn't want/ need a present and he had a free pass for this one but Mother's day was not negotiable and there would indeed be many a hissy fit if nothing was arranged.
So no surprises, he took the free pass and did fuck all.
I did remind him however that if we were going to go Japanese style with V-day I did expect something on white day, to which he groaned and tried to tell me that we would do Valentine's the Japanese way and March would be the western way. Cheeky fucker.

I came through with the Japanese housewife goods and made a fucking awesome four layered cake with cream, strawberries and chocolate icing and also made some strawberry truffles, of course I scoffed a few, but that is beside the point, I did my chocolate duties!
I also went as far to buy a little card and write it, I won't go into details of the message I wrote as I don't want to be liable for potential law suits involving keyboard damage due to vomitting. The reaon I got the card though, was the pre-written message had an evil air bout it, it said ずっといっしょにいよ!❤(Let's be together forever)
I thought it had a nice "You did the crime (knocking up the gaijin) you pay the time" (never getting rid of said gaijin) ring to it. Nothing says I love you more than a card purchased with evil intent.

We went shopping and did see some sickeningly cute gift giving going on, one girl had made this fucking awesome looking chocolate and gave it to her boyfriend at the table of a restaurant. He went bright red and muttered thanks, his embarrassment was probably not helped by Ryota and I giggling at them. Then on the way home I saw a girl dropping off some choccies to her boy, he didn't kiss her goodbye or anything but they both looked well chuffed as she rode away on her bicycle screeching "Baaaaaiiiiiii baaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahhh, young, innocent love, it's all fun and games till someone gets pregnant...

Hope the love was shared around your parts! (Of the world that is.. eww... unintended dirty pun, meh, I'll take it.)

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Following on...

From the last post.

Uncle called SIL's keetai late the other night, now when a loved one is in the hospital, any late-ish phone calls are received a bit tensely, so we all were a bit alert when her keetai rang for two reasons:
1) It was 10:30-ish, not exactly late, in the old days I'd just be warming up with a few shots at this time, but on my current grandma time it's getting on.
2) SIL is actually an alien from outer space with no friends and if her keetai ever rings it's pretty unusual and most of the time her mum calling.
So she answers with a tense "Moshi moshi" and we were all ear wigging to see what the go was. You could have picked my jaw up from the floor when she started giving him fucking cooking instructions. PPPPPUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know, if he was asking how he could get his souffle to rise, or even asking about something as piss easy as curry it might have been forgivable, but no no, he was asking how to................................................................ drum roll please........................................................................





An egg! The title of the dish is pretty much self-explanatory, you take an EGG, and you BOIL the fucker! He wasn't even asking about a soft boiled egg where it can be tricky to get the white firm and the yellow gooey, fair play, there's a science to that shit. But no, hard boiled egg where all you have to do is boil the shit out of it and then run it under cold water.

I was astounded and suspect that he was actually calling with such a ridiculous question as a code for "I'm so pathetic, come and cook me something bitch!" Luckily SIL is a little slow and didn't read into it that much. I then announced that Ash will probably be able to boil an egg by his next birthday (well not quite) if I had anything to do with it, but was shushed with cries of "Occhan kawaisou!!!!" (The old bloke can't help it, poor thing!!!!)

SIL even had to tell him to not forget to put water in the pan, stupid old git probably would have just chucked the eggs in with nothing else!

Loved the comments on the last post, thanks ladies! Girl power!!!! *Gets the urge to put put on a Spice girls song and do a dance... And pipe down Mr Salary man, your foreign pampered arse is no good here...

And now, on a totally unrelated topic, here are some photos, just because it's been awhile.

Whaddaya mean this is my name, everyone calls me A-shoo-tonne!

Rain boots and backpack!!! Wooooooo!

Errr, Mum, why didn't you just buy me a cake like all the other good J-mums!? Still wanna stick my fingers in it though.....

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Dear Japanese men...

Why are you such pussies...??

OK, generalising yet again, but really, lately I've been bombarded with examples of J-men, young and old, showing themselves to be like feeble little kittens, still all sticky, with no fur and unable to fend for themselves.
I'd like to say my J-guy is different, but in reality, when I was in Australia, he pretty much lived with his mum and didn't do jack shit for himself. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that if we lived further away from the in-laws, he may be able to do things for himself...maybe.
I've been taking the piss out of him lately and calling him a "Japanese shell boy," those guys that never seem to grow up because their mother and/or grandmother's hands seems to be permanently attached to their arse wiping it for them...

And I joke and laugh about it, but actually I am dead set determined that Ash will not be like that. Of course this may mean some tough love for the in-laws, but if he ever comes to me with washing that he is perfectly capable of doing himself, I will have failed as a parent and may as well really get into it and walk 3 steps behind Ryota and make Ash's bento until he's 50.

The 3 examples I've been astounded by lately are quite typical in Japan I think, the first was BIL. He's 22 and only just got off his arse and gotten a job, which happens to be about 5 minutes from our house. All good, he's functioning as a normal fucking person, woo-bloody-hoo, good for him! His sister makes his bento for him. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?? Why the hell does his sister have to make his bento?? Maybe I'm pissed because this is the same sister I have to pay 1000¥for babysitting while she's bowing down and slaving over bento because it's expected of her, but still, he's fucking capable of doing it himself. PUSSY!

Another example is FIL. We were feeding Ash one day and I asked him if he could "ching" the food (microwave it). Simple task, right? The fucker had no idea how to use use the fucking microwave. Now Japanese microwaves can resemble a space shuttle control panel, but it isn't hard to put it in and press the start button. Even stupid gaijin with no Japanese skills can bumble their way through the basics (again, heeelllllllloooooo me 5 years ago.) And I thought FIL was a bit better, he always goes on about how he left the house when he was 18 to gain his independence, so when I quizzed him on how he survived he sheepishly admitted his mum still made him meals quite often and the rest was conbini survival. PUSSY!

The final example is Ryota's cousin (35) and uncle (60-ish). Auntie was rushed to hospital last week with some kind of stomach complaint, she's having an operation today so hoping all goes well but the biggest panic was not Auntie's stomach, but who was going to take care of the uncle and cousin!!! Washing was promptly transported to the in-laws' house for cleaning, the cousin's shirts that had to be ironed were part of a 30 minute discussion "But how will he go to work with a crinkly shirt!?" meals were cooked and couriered over to the house, and the cousin even had the nerve to complain that it wasn't 'karai' enough!!! Cheeky bastard. These grown men are completely helpless without the woman of the house, this is two thousand and fucking ten, what is going on here!? PUSSY!! PUSSY!!!

As much as the men piss me off, the women really aren't helping the feminism movement in Japan, these bitches need to step up, wake up and stop folding the undies and making the bento. I told Ryota I would make bento for him on three conditions:
1) It was summer
2) Ashton didn't wake up fifty fucking million times in the night
3) If I wasn't working
But these chilly morning see me snoozing after looking after the monster all night, so sorry shell boy, no bento this winter. I think I'm a pretty good wife, but there is no fucking way I will be mothering (how ironic, I just spelt mothering wrong, and the spell checker brought up 'bothering' as the first option!) my son and husband for the next 30 years, call me gaijin, call me lazy, call me the only wife on the block not making bento, but you can suck it people, two words: FUCK THAT!