Friday 14 October 2011

Taking one for the cake

I’m sure all of you know very well by now just how much I dislike Ryota’s sister, my SIL. I’m not shy about it and the feeling is pretty much mutual and usually works in some kind of awkward arranged way. But as much as I don’t like her/thinks she’s absolutely mental/would love to get away from her, the reality of the matter is, I need her.
My son loves her, I don’t know why, well, maybe I do, she’s got the intellect of about a 2 year old, although I fear comparing them would be insulting to toddlers everywhere. She has lots of free time, so unlike most people around Ash, she’s always fair game for playing. And recently, my working hours are from 9am-8pm with a few breaks thrown in to clean and cook (not complaining, this is good for a business owner!), so Ash has been staying at Grandma’s house with dog-fucker and Grandma while I’m at work. I have to admit, if she wasn’t moping around wasting space I’d be pretty much fucked for childcare, so for that I am grateful.

Now dog-fucker doesn’t get out much and we actually have one thing in common, we love cake. So after I got out of hospital, we threw around the idea of going to a restaurant that has an all-you-can-eat cake deal. And it’s not crappy buffet-style cake, it’s good cake that you get to choose from the glass display cabinet! Of course, I was thinking we’d all go together as a family, or we’d talk about it but never actually do it, but when dog-fucker said on Wednesday night, “Soooo, cake tomorrow??” I was a little taken aback. I’d already let out the fact that I only had four lessons on Thursday in the morning and evening so I was fucked for that excuse, but the only thought running through my head was ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkdon’twannagodon’twannagodon’twannagodon’twannagooooooo’ so I started on an excuse that was actually true, while Thursday is a quiet day lesson-wise, Friday is busy as in lessons one after the other from morning to night, with a trip to a kindergarten to get poked up the bum by some small boys too just to make my life a bit more hectic, and I needed time on Thursday to prepare those lessons. Ok, Ok, so the preparation wasn’t that hard, but still, I was imagining at least 2 hours with just dog-fucker… “What would we talk about? It will be so awkward! I’ll have to pay for her poor arse! All these things flew through my mind as her sharp little face looked at me inquisitively. It was like some kind of horrible test that would determine our relationship from here on out, was I to shut her down and ruin my chances of free child care, or take on the horrible duty of my precious leisure time spent with someone I despise in the spirit of good will and keeping the boat firmly anchored with no chance of rocking any time soon…

So I did what any coward with a tendency to panic would do, I said I’d check my work schedule and see if it was possible. Now pretty much as soon as I’d said this I’d decided I wasn’t going. I keep Thursdays clear for a reason, to wash the sheets, to do the banking, catch up on paperwork, relax! I most certainly didn’t want to waste my day with her of all people. Plus, you know, I like cake, but as the saying goes: “Nothing tastes better than being thin” and I really wasn’t that fussed to go. As I thought about all this, and what kind of mail to send her, there was a niggling image in the back of my mind, of the day I had my tonsils out and dog-fucker took the only day of work she had off (probably just because she’s lazy but still…) to come to the hospital and see me. Then of her picking up Ash every day I was in hospital… And I got the twinges of guilt… I thought she really hated me, but if she’s wanting to go eat cake with me then maybe she really wants to be friends? I’m not sure if this is true, but I sucked it up, sacrificed my day off and went to eat cake with her. For what? To ease my guilty conscience. To try and be a good person. For Ryota, it’s no fun when you’re family don’t get on with your partner.

As far as awkwardness goes, well, it wasn’t great, but sometimes you’ve got to man up and get over it to keep the wheels of life turning. I never forget anything but I’m lucky I have the ability to push things aside for a greater cause. Fuck I must have that ability, I’m still with Ryota aren’t I?!

So I leave you with some pictures from the great cake expedition, the cake was fucking amazing, but after eating 6, yes, 6! I can safely say I won’t be eating cake for a while. Dog-fucker had also been harping on about joining facebook, which is dangerous, as I’m sure I have pictures on their labeled as “dog fucker” or “cunt face” let’s hope she doesn’t get good at facebook or English anytime soon… So I brought my ipad along to show her how it works so we’d actually have something to talk about, and I shit you not, this is her profile picture, dog-fucker!

This is the poor fucked dog

Can't you see my strained enthusiasm?

 Would you do her??


  1. You're a hero! For being with her and for eating so much cake! O.O

    This is what happens, when people you slander about come near your virtual life. Horrible, isn't it?

  2. be honest, I was kind of expecting to see a chain-smoked to middle-age puffy lady who'd had her hair cut with a fork.

    Were I crass, I might say something like the following, "I see a slightly younger, not quite dead-cat-thin woman who may very well go into that irreversibly bloated stage as soon as the bulimia diet ends to the resounding sound of ringing church bells."

    But I won't say that because it would be cruel and tasteless.

    In trying to be fair, princess-in-law gets the benefit of the doubt. But no, I wouldn't 'do her' for fear she might break. She might not be so mental once she starts eating right and puts some meat on her bones.

    After getting beaten by Ryota, kicked by your pin-heel wearing SIL and then peed on by her faithful mop, I'm sure to go straight to hell for having written all of the above...

    (PS...I hear 'Google +' is like the new Facebook, but with way more control- for people who prefer it that way)

  3. You did the right thing hanging out with DF. In some sick way, it sounds like she really cares about you, as in genuinely. She just doesn't sound like she has the self-awareness as to how strange she comes off. Not excusing her passive-aggressiveness towards you, however.

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  7. All-you-can-eat-cake. Never done that. Seems like an oxymoron and would have to come with all-you-can-drink champagne.
    You did the right thing with this chick. Love her nickname. Must try and find the background to it.
    Sorry for all my recent comments. It was just nice to find a blog that is so candid.Oops.

  8. p.s Sorry for the comment I deleted. Not sure why I wrote it. I think I'd just come from stumbling into a dull abyss and I'd also just run out of beer and it's raining outside.

  9. I think she's quite super Japanese cute. She definitely needs some cake though so good effort for putting your best foot forward and going with her. Something you can cross off for another year at least. As you said though, Ash loves her and she seems to be good with him and at least until he's old enough for your dog fucker comments to be repeated you'll need her for child minding.

  10. WTF she's a Japanese version of my SIL. My SIL has the intellect of a 2 year old too, but my SIL has 1 1/2 kids (er, one born, one on the way) and is an absolute idiot. She's also strikingly beautiful with huge DD boobs and is a size UK 6.

    Sucks that you have to put up with her but congrats for those few hours.

  11. At least you got good cake. What if she'd insisted on one of those all you can eat "healthy" restaurants *shudder*. You are now a bonefide saint for being her only human "friend", if that makes it any easier. Sarahf

  12. I hope posting her photo doesn't come back to bite you on the arse!

  13. You're a brave woman. We all have to, hopefully only occasionally, do things we really don't want to...

    Hmm, set her up with an unsuspecting otaku who won't know any better? Or would that be too cruel.

  14. OMG... Japan has ALL YOU CAN EAT CAKE JOINTS? Are they just local to where you are, or are they all over Japan?
    ...The Japanese really ARE the most civilized people on earth.
    DF may be annoying, but I can see that she has redeeming social value.

  15. Why I am I the only one saying this? I would "do her" many many times!

    She looks like she would go crazy after just a few shags and would be interested in all sorts of different shit!

    I'm looking up tickets for Japan right now.

  16. All the time I have read about dog fucker I made a mental image of a middle age woman, ugly as fuck (not saying she is gorgeous, but in my mind she was wayyyy uglier) and always thought she as your not family neighbour, just a friendly (not so friendly) stranger. Kind of shock she is a relative! MAAAAAn now I understand the sooo many awkward situations!

    About the questioon in the pic...yeah! CALL me a pig and a bastard...but she is thin, I like girls thin...she is not a pretty woman but a good 'ol bag on the head could do the trick (We call it the 'Onion Trcik' cause you pull the woman's shirt on to her head making her look like and onion head :D)

  17. Yes I would do her....Doggy style of course

  18. Wow. She seems so normal. I'm not sure what I was expecting.. but definitely not an average Jpese woman doing the stupid V sign thing. Wish you could snap a picture of her shrieking and carrying on, that would make more sense haha

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