I have better in-laws than most, especially in Japan where I've heard horror stories of families not accepting a gaijin partner or just not being supportive at all. And even though I bitch about funny everyday things like dog-fucker being annoying as all dog-fucking hell, they are the reason that I can work. As I type between lessons, (no baby yet, thought I was having contractions this morning but they stopped at lunch time!) Ash has been home all day with someone from the in-law camp keeping an eye on him while I've been teaching. So I really have no reason or authority to complain.
But I will, because, well, it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to...
So after I went into hospital last week the doctor told me while MIL and SIL were with me that I should be on bed rest. Of course I wasn't going to go on complete bed rest, I have shit to do, but I did hope I could take it easy, as in not cooking or doing too much running around. If it had been my family, I think they would have offered to cook and take Ash to kindy, or if they hadn't offered I would have felt comfy enough to just straight out ask them. I'm not comfy enough with my in-laws to demand favours, if I'm really stuck then I'll ask but when it's not a matter of life and death I won't ask. So the day after I got out of hospital I didn't hear anything from the in-laws, I was working until 8pm and hadn't done anything for dinner but didn't want to ask them to feed us so I ended up throwing left over rice and some vegies together to make fried rice but I ended up putting too much sake in it and Ryota was like, "Ummm are we having alcoholic rice for dinner...?" Now usually I'd tell him to shove his fucking rice up his arse, but this was actually a fair comment, I had to take the bowl from Ash before I was arrested for getting a 3 year old drunk from rice. And the tears came, because I felt so overwhelmed. Ryota immediately tried to recover and said "It just got better!!!" but he was right, it was shithouse and I felt like a big failure. I couldn't cook dinner, couldn't give birth, had no support... blah blah fucking drama queen blah, but I think the hormones and mental strain of preparing and then un-preparing for a baby to be yanked out of my uterus had something to do with it.
And there was something else, and I was ashamed to admit it so I kind of fibbed to Ryota, but earlier in the day I was coming home from the school for lunch and bumped into MIL, SIL and the lady down the road about to go out for lunch together. Now, I don't usually have the time to go out for lunch but I happened to have about 2 hours free that day and I was really hurt that they hadn't asked me to go with them. I lied to Ryota and said I was crying because I'd talked to my mum in Australia and she and my sister were going out for the day together and that I was homesick, so it was kind of the truth but twisted around a bit... Ryota of course has little sympathy for this kind of thing, his immediate response is always "Then let's fucking go back to Australia!!!" And he's right, it's my choice to be here, but I do miss going shopping with my mum and my sister, I miss being pampered like a little princess by my family and I hate that I can never have that with my in-laws. I was pissed that MIL and SIL were going out for lunch without asking me and without offering to help me out. Which is ridiculous, but it's the way I felt nonetheless.
It took me a few hours of self-pity and crying to get over it, Ryota skulked off to the in-laws to scab some dinner and I threw my alcoholic rice out with big sobs. Grandma did offer to do my washing, but it was one of those Japanese offers that she didn't really mean but would do if I dumped a load of dirty clothes on her lap.
I guess I have to learn to have a thicker skin and to start asking for things or I'll never get anything I'm looking for.
Most people will think I'm selfish for expecting them to do anything but I guess that's just the way I was brought up, our family is always there for each other, family comes first. It's hard for me not having that support, and then feeling guilty whenever I do accept help.
Dear fucking God I just want this baby out so badly, get those hormones out and let the sleep deprivation begin, the sooner it starts the sooner it will be over and I can get back to my normal life where a bad day involves a beer at the end of it!