I'm even late with my late make-up post!
The excuses won't fly, I know, I really do need to sell off one of my kids to the highest bidder in order to get, well, anything at all done that doesn't involve cleaning shit or vomit. Of course I do get a break from it with Ash, he has me doing fun things like cleaning up toys and cheering him on as he does a poo for the first time in 4 days. Fun times this raising kids business.
So where should I start... The beginning I guess, and around here the beginning is usually my shit house excuse for a husband. He's being a prime wanker, as was kind of expected!
My mum is here at the moment, she's stayed 3 weeks and even though usually we fight quite a bit if we're together for too long, this time has been great. She's helped me so much with the baby and been a general savior of my sanity in the form of helping with the house, adult conversation, an extra pair of hands, and just a person who thinks a similar way to me. Now my mum isn't perfect, like me, she has annoying little habits and different cultural things that are probably more prominent than my cultural differences because she doesn't know things that are considered weird in Japan. For example, we had prawns the other night (Ebi fry) and if I was at home I'd just use my fingers to dip it in the sauce and eat it, and this is what my mum did. But because I've been in Japan for so long, of course I use chopsticks. Just little things like that. Considering my mum is helping out A LOT at our house, you think Ryota would make an effort to be a bit nice, but he's not, he keeps bitching to mean Japanese about things and it's fucking pissing me off.
I think his mental condition is reaching an all time high, he seems to be miserable all the time and it's wearing me down until I get to the point where I really don't give a fuck. I guess that's one good thing about having a shit marriage, you're not really that upset when you're faced with the prospect of it ending!
I'm not quite at the point of no return yet, but he's embarrassing me, I feel like my mum will go home and be thinking "god my daughter married an absolute cunt," when in actual fact he's not like that all the time, he was just particularly bad when she was here.
It annoys me to no end when I put up with the good, bad, ugly and fucking mental-ness of his family 365 days a year, but he can't man up and act like he likes having my mum here for 3 fucking weeks?!
What else is he being a cunt about... Is cuntness is kind of blending together lately... Oh that's right! Today I took both kids to Sassymoo's house for a few hours and came home to him tying a rock with rope for the landscaping exam he has to do this month. He didn't say, 'are you ok?' or 'thanks for taking both kids so I could study', no, he said "oh you're home already, I'm not finished, now I can't get anything done!" with a big fucking dramatic sigh, he's so good at those lately.
So yeah, baby? Lovely. Ash? Great. Ryota? Fucking. Twat.
Hopefully I'll have a warm and fuzzy story next time to balance the bad vibes!
I'm going to offer something of a defence of R here, which probably won't be all that popular, but hey ho.ReplyDelete
Speaking from my own experience, as a father it's a massive shock having a new kid in the house. You can prepare yourself for it mentally, but that'll always fall way short of the reality. Women get 9 months of dealing with the reality of that so are far more pre-adapted when the birth comes (No, I'm not saying pregnancy is easy, but it does force you to register what's going on in a way that isn't there for men). So it's not easy dealing with that, and then you throw on the mother-in-law invading your personal space and I can see why he'd be operating at less that optimal levels. He probably deserves a bit of slack right now as much as anyone (except you, of course).
But, all that being said, everything you wrote is still true; this is his second kid, so that shock shouldn't be quite so bad this time round; and he's got a bit of form in this regard anyway...
You do often make him sound like a prick, but right now probably isn't the best time to be drawing hard and fast conclusions, is all I'm saying.
Glad you're finding the time to blog, and sorry it isn't going more smoothly for you. Good luck.
I agree that Ryota is jealous of the lack of attention he is getting with the new baby and mom being there. I went through the exact same thing with my husband. When my second child was born he was starving for attention and would get me riled up simply because he knew it would get a reaction out of me. My husband also has mental illness (BPD and PTSD to be exact). As soon as I stopped reacting to his absurd and childish behavior and started giving him more love and attention, his moodiness subsided considerably and things are as normal as they can be. The bottom line is his condition will never change, so if you want to make things work you need to be the one to help lessen his symptoms by being careful not to yell, criticize and say things which will make things worse( unfortunately crying is also one of those things I learned does). Instead of responding by yelling back, I usually just ignore his rants or listen to him and sympathize as best as I can – even when it is something completely absurd. By doing this it has made me more tolerant and a better person in general. I thought about leaving my husband dozens of times after my second son was born, but then I realized that none of this is his fault, it is just a sickness invading his mind. My husband grew up without a father and I made the decision that I didn’t want my sons to go through the same thing. When people are hurting they hurt others. That’s life. Stop the cycle and hang in there. I promise it will get better.Delete
If it's any consolation my mum's most recent visit to my place ended after two days under the roof with my Mr with her leaving and checking into a hotel and them hurling abuse at each other. So yeah. Nothing worse than being the meat in a husband/mother sandwich.ReplyDelete
That's pretty shitty - but I am kind of amused at him having to tie a rope around a rock for his exam.ReplyDelete
(Hi Kathryn... got an ancient browser that makes posting comments here a bit of trick, so doing it under your comment. Respectfully, of course.)Delete
After reading Gaijinwife's blog this last week and now seeing this, I kind of wonder if a lot of native folks here aren't just flat out 'spoilt'. Of course, there are people who are definitely solid, but they tend to believe that those higher up on the social pecking order are what they pretend to be... which is a shame in some ways. Even though I'm not down with the 'blame and shame' trip, this story of yours is almost too familiar.
A person comes in as an 'other' and outperforms those around them only to be met with derision. It's like walking on water and having people offended because you're not wearing a backpack (or something like that).
Frankly, I reached my limit a while ago. Yeah, I stay in this land of harmony (or whatever it wants to call itself) but I tend to cut people as much slack as the cut me. Which is one reason I find Victoria Yoshimura so refreshing. In addition to anything sushi-like raw.
A lot of women in similar situations will tell you things that sound a lot like "gambatte" because they see themselves in you.ReplyDelete
"with a big fucking dramatic sigh, he's so good at those lately."
"but he can't man up and act like he likes having my mum here for 3 fucking weeks?!"
From the outside this looks like bullshit and he really resembles a fucking mommas boy. He coulda maned up for 3 weeks if for no other reason than to make HIM look good which woulda kinda made you maybe look not dumb for marrying him.
If you were your mother how would you feel about your daughters choice? Well there you go.
Everyday is a new chance to have a good day. I hope you have some soon.
If you ever cut him into pieces and fed him to the family this blog would be a great tool in your defense.
sometimes I think you write posts just to make me feel better. Thank you. I kind of like what Kamo wrote. Its good to get the man perspective. Pity he can't put up with you mum with a bit more eloquence but then Mother in Laws are put on this earth to completely fuck us off and if you had to live under the same roof as Ryota's mum for three weeks I'm sure you'd have obscenities to tell the tale.ReplyDelete
I hope he aces his exam - sounds like he needs a manly confidence boost.
I hope you jumped on Sassymoo a bit - told that baby to come out already!!!
You would have thought he would still be in elated mode, what with having a new son, instead of being tetchy. You are far too good for him; intelligent, witty, beautiful, and he knows not what he has. Silly man.ReplyDelete
It must be hard. Since I cannot give you advice, I'll give you a hug. *hugs*ReplyDelete
What is it with men & having to be all wanky when the in laws come to stay just because it upsets their little routine a bit or someone sits on their favourite chair? At least your husband can cite cultural differences - mine was just being a fuckwit when my parents came to stay. They now tend to stay in motels.ReplyDelete
Good luck for the rest of your Mums visit.
I am happy to hear that your Mum is there to help you with the children.ReplyDelete
I think it would have been polite if Ryota had done the same as your Mum and use his fingers to dip his prawns and eat them. It would have made his guest feel comfortable. He would have been very gracious.
Best wishes and happy parenting. Take care of yourself too.
Hooray for your mum. I'm sure she's old and wise enough to know how families usually work, don't worry. And doctors don't seem too good at treating things like depression in Japan - I remember depressed students coming to nova cos their docs had told them to get out more. Sigh. Always fun trying to make cheery chit chat with a depressed person. Good luck!!ReplyDelete
I know you probably love him and stuff, but is "not being an absolute cunt ALL the time" really a good enough reason to stay with someone who makes your life miserable? Having to raise 2 kids alone might be a scary thought, but would it really make your life that much worse if he weren't around to underappreciate you and not help with the kids?ReplyDelete
If you imagine a friend in your exact situation, what advice would you give them?
I think it's time to choose between your husband and your mom.
Not wanting to take away anything from the wankiness of Ryota's behaviour can I just add my thoughts. I have a Japanese husband and 4 kids...Mum has stayed with us lots if times and there has always been a price to pay...he isn't rude to her in any way but gets cranky with me. I think it's jealousy...we see so little of our Mums that when we are together we spend alot of time chatting/laughing ..and I think that threatens them somehow even when logically they know they should be happy that someone else is there to help.ReplyDelete
Funny thing is though my Mum usually consoles me with some tale of my (Irish)Dad's unreasonable behaviour.
I hope Ryota makes up for all of this sooner or later...but don't be surprised if he is the one feeling hurt.