A divorce after giving birth to a new baby . Boy you brave @.@
Feeling sorry though.. always hoped that despite what you were writting you had love and respect for each other . I guess the humor in your posts misleaded me.
Ooh. What's the emoticon for a wince? That blows so hard.
Like Ohimechama, I'd assumed/hoped there was a load of good stuff you weren't blogging about because you only needed to vent about the bad. Guess I was off on that, not for the first time.
Clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'll just reiterate that with a new kid you're both going to be pretty stressed out and on hair triggers right now. Either way, do what you've got to and good luck with however it pans out.
Hey Corinne... Obviously everything is not OK but remember that the world can be a very bleak place for the first 6 - 9 weeks after birth (my friend swore 90 days). You're chock full of hormones, sleep deprived, and whether you feel OK or not it takes at least 6 weeks for your energy to get back. I know crappiness - my husband didn't take paternity leave and started travelling for work again when the baby was two weeks old. But I will also acknowledge that in hindsight I was an absolutely crazy fucker until the baby was at least 8 weeks old...
My thoughts are with you. As someone who is contemplating whether or not I want to go that route, I can sympathize. No papers at home (yet), but do have a 17 month old daughter. Scary shit but I hope for the best for you and your boys.
I hope you take your time with such a big step. My wife (Japanese living in Canada) was pretty crazy for the entire year after delivering our second. And I try to be a supportive husband! Being far away from family in a foreign place can make things really tough. You're already doing such a great job.
At least think through your strategy. I've heard Japanese custody laws can be difficult at the best of times.
My mom divorced when i was 4 and remarried when I was 8 and in between I developed a respect for women that has only grown. My Mom repeatedly apologized at different times in my youth because she thought my violent acts towards other boys were because of the divorce.
No Mom...it was because of what happened before it. I wish she had done it sooner so I didn't have to see him abuse her. They say that a persons character (Empathy,Patience,Temper management and the like are set by 3) I thought that was crap until I considered my own issues and complexes and just how far they went back.
When I see a patient and thoughtful student of mine like today who is 6 I know she will be about like that forever...she'll get bigger and the variables will change but she probably won't and that's a nice thought. I know the kids who are selfish and cruel will be a bigger version of that later in life.
Your children cannot tune stuff out like we think we do as adults. We really don't we just ignore our own pain. That makes no sense to young minds...why not fix or stop the bad thing?
Sadly it's a simple thought full of sense that is much harder to actually do.
If you do whatever you do for the love of your children more than for the love of yourself your children will not miss it. They will know. I can vouche for that.But ... I wish my Mom coulda loved herself more and trusted that I woulda understood. Her sanity was more important than family or social pressures. I could see that then and I know it now.
Your husband and abuse (physical)are not the point as it's not been mentioned by you really. I just cite my own past.
Chris- I was so glad to read your post. There have been times when I wonder if I left Japan too soon and if I should have given J more time with his Dad (even though I always knew I was going to leave) but the fact that at 4, you can remember the abuse and the mistreatment makes me glad I left when J was 2 as he has no memories of any of it. Very wise words in general.
Corrine- (((HUGS))) from me. While others above are right that the first few months after having a baby are shitty no matter what the situation is, only you can know what is in your heart and mind and you are a strong woman so no matter what you ultimately decide at this time, you will be 100% fine in the long run.
You did the right thing. I remember him flipping a sofa on top of her and I was screaming and my mom was screaming at me to stay in my room. I was 4. I see his face in every man I ever punched. I wanted revenge for what my mother suffered. Everyone thought he was great because he was a Harvard grad and a lawyer and he made my mothers life hell and manipulated others to not support her. I haven't seen him since I was 11 and I believe he's dead. I don't care. No hate no love no nothing.
If there was physical abuse involved you were smart to move on. It can have huge lifelong effects.
Wow! I guess this post isn't so unexpected, although I would not have imagined it coming so soon after the birth of your second son. You're a strong person!
As with many others, I was in the "I hope their life is better off-blog" camp. Still, the apathetic sentiment you kept expressing in regards to your marriage (it could be worse, you had to lower your expectations of R, etc.) struck a sad note. You deserve more in your life than trying not to cry out of fear of resentment, doing 110% of the work, and being the person responsible for maintaining the goodwill in the household. You've tried so, so, SO hard to make it work, so don't EVER let anybody tell you that you didn't do enough.
Having said of all this, if you choose to stay with R, no judgement. Only you know what really goes on within your family.
Long time reader/lurker. I'm sorry to hear about this, but hope things go as smoothly as possible. Know that you have fans beyond the usual commenters.
I say take a year away from Japan and your husband, but take the kids with you!!! That way when or if you do divorce, you'll be dealing with your laws in your country mainly, not his. I wouldn't even let him know that you're wanting a divorce, I'd just say you were going with the kids for a month for a family visit and just extend it once you're there.
I took a year off and stayed with my mother, and it changed my life for the better.
I really wish I could do something more for you then just comment...but just know, everything changes all the time, what you are feeling and going through now will be completely different then what you are feeling and doing a year from now <3 <3 <3 Take care of yourself first...if Mama ain't happy aint no body happy ;-)
Gosh... It's really such a shame that Ryota hasn't been stepping up and taking a larger part in his roles as a husband and a father, especially now of all times when you have to cope with having another member join the family. I can only hope he'll open his eyes and realize what an amazing super wife and super mum he's going to lose if he doesn't seriously start getting his act together!
Toughs times may be ahead, but whatever you choose to do, I hope everything works out for you and your sons. You work so hard for everyone's happiness, so you and your sons deserve the best! :)
I'm really sorry to hear that things have gotten that far and although I think that divorce can be the right thing I can't but agree with some of the other people that maybe you should try to "take a break" for a month or so (go to your family) get settled back in a bit after the delivery and see how you feel?
But you know your own situation the best! All the best to you and the kids!
There is no 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do in these situations, you can only act with conviction. If you believe that you are doing what is best for you and your children then that's what you should do.
Though you do share a lot with us, we don't really know much, so I'm not in the 'yeah divorce that bastard' camp, nor the 'don't rush into this, take a break and see how it goes' camp. I will say that whatever happens... make sure you have a plan to keep your children out of the clutches of your Husband's family. You probably know infinitely more about this than I do but one hears all the time about Japanese families abducting children in cases like these. So yeah, be careful.
Hey sweets, good luck with it all. Lyn will still apologise to Carl for divorcing his dad when he was 5, but the thing she doesn't ever get is that they all had a better life because of the divorce. Whereas my parents should have gotten a divorce and never had and that was a really shitty environment to grow up in. I just hope things go fairly smoothly for you and the boys. Will you be coming back home?
I think wherever the next turn in the road takes you in life you'll make the most of it for you and your boys. All you have written about here shows how strong you are and how resilient. All the best!
And Ryota needs a kick up the bum for not appreciating you and all you do!
Good luck which ever way the wind blows. I would say reading your blog that it is probulary the right thing BUt, if you have just had a baby your hormones maybe tricking you. in a way if you do show him the papers it might blow enough smoke up his arse that he reavaluates what he wants and what is important to him... No advice here just good luck The lentil weaver
I'm sure this blog (as well as family and friends) have shown you that you have an enormous team of supporters around you at this time, but I would like to add one more voice to those sending love and support at this time, whatever you choose to do.
eek! stay true to yourself and do what you think is best for you and your kids. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWow, not sure if I should be saying sorry to hear that or congratulations. Either way, hope things become easier for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteA divorce after giving birth to a new baby . Boy you brave @.@
ReplyDeleteFeeling sorry though.. always hoped that despite what you were writting you had love and respect for each other . I guess the humor in your posts misleaded me.
Ohime...Good to see you! I miss your blog. :(
DeleteCorrine: :(
Well my diet was over and ttc /treatment too so It was time to move on :) thanks for your comments !
DeleteWe did somewhere along the line, just not sure if we're at the end of that particular line or not! Thank you!
DeleteOoh. What's the emoticon for a wince? That blows so hard.
ReplyDeleteLike Ohimechama, I'd assumed/hoped there was a load of good stuff you weren't blogging about because you only needed to vent about the bad. Guess I was off on that, not for the first time.
Clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'll just reiterate that with a new kid you're both going to be pretty stressed out and on hair triggers right now. Either way, do what you've got to and good luck with however it pans out.
Hey Corinne... Obviously everything is not OK but remember that the world can be a very bleak place for the first 6 - 9 weeks after birth (my friend swore 90 days). You're chock full of hormones, sleep deprived, and whether you feel OK or not it takes at least 6 weeks for your energy to get back. I know crappiness - my husband didn't take paternity leave and started travelling for work again when the baby was two weeks old. But I will also acknowledge that in hindsight I was an absolutely crazy fucker until the baby was at least 8 weeks old...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope everything turns out ok. xx
My thoughts are with you. As someone who is contemplating whether or not I want to go that route, I can sympathize. No papers at home (yet), but do have a 17 month old daughter. Scary shit but I hope for the best for you and your boys.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have to go through this. I hope things get better one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteI hope you take your time with such a big step. My wife (Japanese living in Canada) was pretty crazy for the entire year after delivering our second. And I try to be a supportive husband! Being far away from family in a foreign place can make things really tough. You're already doing such a great job.
ReplyDeleteAt least think through your strategy. I've heard Japanese custody laws can be difficult at the best of times.
Oooh, you're teasing us aren't you ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is a huge decision and not an easy one. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteShit. :/ Sorry to hear that Corrine! xxx Hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you. Thinking of you!! <3
ReplyDeleteMy mom divorced when i was 4 and remarried when I was 8 and in between I developed a respect for women that has only grown. My Mom repeatedly apologized at different times in my youth because she thought my violent acts towards other boys were because of the divorce.
ReplyDeleteNo Mom...it was because of what happened before it. I wish she had done it sooner so I didn't have to see him abuse her. They say that a persons character (Empathy,Patience,Temper management and the like are set by 3) I thought that was crap until I considered my own issues and complexes and just how far they went back.
When I see a patient and thoughtful student of mine like today who is 6 I know she will be about like that forever...she'll get bigger and the variables will change but she probably won't and that's a nice thought. I know the kids who are selfish and cruel will be a bigger version of that later in life.
Your children cannot tune stuff out like we think we do as adults. We really don't we just ignore our own pain. That makes no sense to young minds...why not fix or stop the bad thing?
Sadly it's a simple thought full of sense that is much harder to actually do.
If you do whatever you do for the love of your children more than for the love of yourself your children will not miss it. They will know. I can vouche for that.But ... I wish my Mom coulda loved herself more and trusted that I woulda understood. Her sanity was more important than family or social pressures. I could see that then and I know it now.
Your husband and abuse (physical)are not the point as it's not been mentioned by you really. I just cite my own past.
Chris- I was so glad to read your post. There have been times when I wonder if I left Japan too soon and if I should have given J more time with his Dad (even though I always knew I was going to leave) but the fact that at 4, you can remember the abuse and the mistreatment makes me glad I left when J was 2 as he has no memories of any of it. Very wise words in general.
DeleteCorrine- (((HUGS))) from me. While others above are right that the first few months after having a baby are shitty no matter what the situation is, only you can know what is in your heart and mind and you are a strong woman so no matter what you ultimately decide at this time, you will be 100% fine in the long run.
You did the right thing. I remember him flipping a sofa on top of her and I was screaming and my mom was screaming at me to stay in my room. I was 4. I see his face in every man I ever punched. I wanted revenge for what my mother suffered. Everyone thought he was great because he was a Harvard grad and a lawyer and he made my mothers life hell and manipulated others to not support her. I haven't seen him since I was 11 and I believe he's dead. I don't care. No hate no love no nothing.
DeleteIf there was physical abuse involved you were smart to move on. It can have huge lifelong effects.
Wow! I guess this post isn't so unexpected, although I would not have imagined it coming so soon after the birth of your second son. You're a strong person!
ReplyDeleteAs with many others, I was in the "I hope their life is better off-blog" camp. Still, the apathetic sentiment you kept expressing in regards to your marriage (it could be worse, you had to lower your expectations of R, etc.) struck a sad note. You deserve more in your life than trying not to cry out of fear of resentment, doing 110% of the work, and being the person responsible for maintaining the goodwill in the household. You've tried so, so, SO hard to make it work, so don't EVER let anybody tell you that you didn't do enough.
Having said of all this, if you choose to stay with R, no judgement. Only you know what really goes on within your family.
Good luck, chica, you deserve a wonderful life.
Long time reader/lurker. I'm sorry to hear about this, but hope things go as smoothly as possible. Know that you have fans beyond the usual commenters.
ReplyDeleteI say take a year away from Japan and your husband, but take the kids with you!!! That way when or if you do divorce, you'll be dealing with your laws in your country mainly, not his. I wouldn't even let him know that you're wanting a divorce, I'd just say you were going with the kids for a month for a family visit and just extend it once you're there.
ReplyDeleteI took a year off and stayed with my mother, and it changed my life for the better.
I really wish I could do something more for you then just comment...but just know, everything changes all the time, what you are feeling and going through now will be completely different then what you are feeling and doing a year from now <3 <3 <3 Take care of yourself first...if Mama ain't happy aint no body happy ;-)
What she said. Good advice. Thinking of you.
DeleteGosh...
ReplyDeleteIt's really such a shame that Ryota hasn't been stepping up and taking a larger part in his roles as a husband and a father, especially now of all times when you have to cope with having another member join the family. I can only hope he'll open his eyes and realize what an amazing super wife and super mum he's going to lose if he doesn't seriously start getting his act together!
Toughs times may be ahead, but whatever you choose to do, I hope everything works out for you and your sons. You work so hard for everyone's happiness, so you and your sons deserve the best! :)
Good luck and hang in there!
Mel
Wow, good luck with it all. Hope to see more posts that are as upbeat as this, and hope it all goes well.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. I hope that everything works out. This is going to be a tough point in your life but keep going.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to hear that things have gotten that far and although I think that divorce can be the right thing I can't but agree with some of the other people that maybe you should try to "take a break" for a month or so (go to your family) get settled back in a bit after the delivery and see how you feel?
ReplyDeleteBut you know your own situation the best! All the best to you and the kids!
There is no 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do in these situations, you can only act with conviction. If you believe that you are doing what is best for you and your children then that's what you should do.
ReplyDeleteThough you do share a lot with us, we don't really know much, so I'm not in the 'yeah divorce that bastard' camp, nor the 'don't rush into this, take a break and see how it goes' camp. I will say that whatever happens... make sure you have a plan to keep your children out of the clutches of your Husband's family. You probably know infinitely more about this than I do but one hears all the time about Japanese families abducting children in cases like these. So yeah, be careful.
Hey sweets, good luck with it all.
ReplyDeleteLyn will still apologise to Carl for divorcing his dad when he was 5, but the thing she doesn't ever get is that they all had a better life because of the divorce. Whereas my parents should have gotten a divorce and never had and that was a really shitty environment to grow up in.
I just hope things go fairly smoothly for you and the boys.
Will you be coming back home?
I don`t have any words of encouragement but hope that whatever you decide it is for the best for you and the boys. Big hugs coming your way from Chiba
ReplyDeleteI think wherever the next turn in the road takes you in life you'll make the most of it for you and your boys. All you have written about here shows how strong you are and how resilient. All the best!
ReplyDeleteAnd Ryota needs a kick up the bum for not appreciating you and all you do!
[[[hug]]]
ReplyDeleteGood luck which ever way the wind blows. I would say reading your blog that it is probulary the right thing BUt, if you have just had a baby your hormones maybe tricking you. in a way if you do show him the papers it might blow enough smoke up his arse that he reavaluates what he wants and what is important to him... No advice here just good luck
ReplyDeleteThe lentil weaver
I'm sure this blog (as well as family and friends) have shown you that you have an enormous team of supporters around you at this time, but I would like to add one more voice to those sending love and support at this time, whatever you choose to do.
ReplyDeleteOddly, the hugs I sent you didn't seem to have made it -- trying again:
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}}
Geez! Hang In there, boo. Hope he figures out what he's losing and gets his act together. Either way, you are loved. Big hug!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry lovely!! I wish I was there with you!! If there's anything I can do just let me know!! Thinking of you!! Xxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteThat blows! Hope you and the boys are getting through this fine.
ReplyDelete