There are many things I hate about being pregnant, let me just list a few-
*getting horribly fat
*not being able to drink or take drugs
*feeling like a watermelon is going to fall out of your fanny very time you walk around...
The list goes on and on, and don't even get me started on child birth, miracle of life my fucking engorged tit.
However, there is one particular aspect I'd like to focus on today, and that, is the fanny-cam. I've never actually seen a fanny-cam but I imagine it looks something like a hair curling iron, long and strait but slightly cylindrical and stainless steel. Could be way off here, but that's the image I have anyway. When you're only a little bit pregnant, they can't see the little bacteria sucking away at it's mother's vital nutrients, they need a fanny-cam for that. I've had the fanny cam about 5 times now, and that's 5 more times than I'd like, it's awful. Let me break it down for those who are interested...
First of all, you are led in to the little room by the nurse and told to strip down on the lower half.
Then you sit in the chair that lets half your bum and fanny hang out the bottom.
After that, the chair tells you in a sweet, Japanese voice over- "The chair will now move, please take care!"
And like something out of a futuristic James Bond extravaganza, the chair lifts, swivels and opens your legs so all the nurses and doctor can see what you had for breakfast.
Legs are left dangling helplessly as you lie back and just try and deal with the humiliation of it all, thanking the lord for the very Japanese style curtain that separates your flushed red face and those of the straight faced nurses and doctor.
Then, the doctor tells you to relax. Uh huh, something that I think resembles a curling iron is about to be inserted in to my vagina, not relaxin' Doc!
Once it's in it doesn't actually hurt but makes me squirm when they move it to the left and right to get pictures of my ovaries. My ovaries don't do snapshots, they're camera shy, like most of my insides!
Just yesterday I had my most recent fanny-cam and after the voice of the doctor had explained where the baby was and had poked fanny-cam around to get the shots of whatever he wanted, I was instructed to get dressed and then go and talk to the doctor. Same doctor that had just had a close encounter with my twat mind you. So I did the dress of shame and trudged in to the office to see the doctor. He started talking and after about 5 seconds actually looked at my face and gave a big surprised sound, it was my favourite doctor from when I was pregnant with Ash, I'd always liked him so I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't help thinking, 'You didn't recognise me from the fanny-cam?!' Maybe all fannies do look the same but I thought a foreign one might have given him a hint... Then again, if he'd been poking around my bits and said "Ohhhhh I remember this fanny now!!! It's the strange foreign fanny!!!" I would have been pretty freaked out too.
I'm hoping my next appointment will skip the fanny-cam and go straight to the jelly-belly ultrasounds.