I haven't written anything in way too long. I've lost my groove. Actually, to be honest, Ive lost my groove in most areas of my life, not just blogging!
Since discovering that I'm pregnant, I've been having some struggles, and I hate it. I hate that women are the ones who have to give birth. I hate that I have to choose my job or my baby. But perhaps I'm being too selfish, here's my perfect world scenario: I want to spend the first year with the baby and then when he or she can go to kindy, I want to go back to working full-time. But shit ain't gunna go down like that, just not possible. And I love how Ryota says "So, when do you think you'll be able to work, after 3 weeks, a month??" And it shits me to tears, yes I CAN work, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to give up my career and be a stay at home mum forever, but I want the first year to bond with my child. When they start getting mobile and cheeky then fuck, they can go to kindy all day everyday for all I care. If I go back to work after a month, I'll still be bleeding, I'll still be leaking fucking milk from my nipples. PLUS I'm going to have to do the morning lessons at the school as soon as possible, because I can't afford to hire two teachers a day. The point is, I'm going to have to sacrifice my career or my motherhood, but probably both.
I'm at such a loss as what to do and it's stressing me out to the point where I can't sleep, or when I do I wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare or grinding my teeth too hard.
I wish women had some kind of other option, I fucking hate having a vagina sometimes.
On other fronts, Ryota is being a poster husband (for the moment) because he wants to quit his job and after much bitching I told him unless he smartened the fuck up and did his share of housework the only time he'd be quitting his job was after the ink was dry on our freshly stamped divorce papers. So he's been on a good husband mission ever since, washing up, cleaning the kitchen and not bitching to his usual extent, I'm loving it! Of course I'll never let him quit his job, no matter how much of a good Mr Mum he is, we'd all be fucked without his steady income and much anticipated bonuses. I'll certainly let him dream for as long as I can milk his housework skills though.
So this is a whiny advice-seeking post. What would you do if you were me? Have you ever been in this situation? Advise me oh wise internet world!!
Due June 26th 2012, AKA the deadline!!!