Friday 25 November 2011

Like a little rag doll.

I haven't written anything in way too long. I've lost my groove. Actually, to be honest, Ive lost my groove in most areas of my life, not just blogging!

Since discovering that I'm pregnant, I've been having some struggles, and I hate it. I hate that women are the ones who have to give birth. I hate that I have to choose my job or my baby. But perhaps I'm being too selfish, here's my perfect world scenario: I want to spend the first year with the baby and then when he or she can go to kindy, I want to go back to working full-time. But shit ain't gunna go down like that, just not possible. And I love how Ryota says "So, when do you think you'll be able to work, after 3 weeks, a month??" And it shits me to tears, yes I CAN work, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to give up my career and be a stay at home mum forever, but I want the first year to bond with my child. When they start getting mobile and cheeky then fuck, they can go to kindy all day everyday for all I care. If I go back to work after a month, I'll still be bleeding, I'll still be leaking fucking milk from my nipples. PLUS I'm going to have to do the morning lessons at the school as soon as possible, because I can't afford to hire two teachers a day. The point is, I'm going to have to sacrifice my career or my motherhood, but probably both.

I'm at such a loss as what to do and it's stressing me out to the point where I can't sleep, or when I do I wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare or grinding my teeth too hard.

I wish women had some kind of other option, I fucking hate having a vagina sometimes.

On other fronts, Ryota is being a poster husband (for the moment) because he wants to quit his job and after much bitching I told him unless he smartened the fuck up and did his share of housework the only time he'd be quitting his job was after the ink was dry on our freshly stamped divorce papers. So he's been on a good husband mission ever since, washing up, cleaning the kitchen and not bitching to his usual extent, I'm loving it! Of course I'll never let him quit his job, no matter how much of a good Mr Mum he is, we'd all be fucked without his steady income and much anticipated bonuses. I'll certainly let him dream for as long as I can milk his housework skills though.

So this is a whiny advice-seeking post. What would you do if you were me? Have you ever been in this situation? Advise me oh wise internet world!!

Due June 26th 2012, AKA the deadline!!!


  1. If you could find somebody to cover for you for the first year, even if you don't make much profit from that, but it keeps your school going, then it would be worth it, no? And you could pop in now and then, but not have to take on the full workload.
    Having to go back so soon after giving birth is not fair on you, not after you carried the child for 9 months, too.
    I would be very upset with my husband for saying what R said.
    Also, this is not the time for him to be talking about quitting work. Is he wanting to change careers, get a new job, or become a stay-at-home-dad living off your salary?
    It seems like he is not acting like the man and father he should be.
    But what do I know, I have never had kids or been married, but it does seem a bit 'off', what he is asking you to do, and what he is wanting to do.

  2. would it be possible to bring baby-chan for the first year? or maybe first 6 months? or when baby-chan starts moving in earnest? (hopefully that gives you six months!!) unless he or she is a very needy baby, he or she is going to sleep a lot for the first few months anyway. you could set up a pack-n-play (portable cot) if you have the room.

    ....but that's the alternative to staying with the baby full time, of course. i didn't go to work right after giving birth so please do take my suggestion with a huge grain of salt!

  3. It's a hard decision. I can imagine that because it's your own school, it's very much personality based. Even if you can afford someone else to come in and take over all the teaching duties, it's not like a production line where one worker is same as the next.

    It's a tough call.

  4. I don't know how your school works but it sounds like a lot of work for just one person. If I were in your shoes, I'd play with the option of maybe hiring someone to help you out. Last thing we want is you crashing of exhaustion!

  5. It's shite, but I guess that's life. So sacrificing both might be the only way to go. Can you afford a au-pair for a year? The au-pair could bring the baby to your work, take care of it while you teach, but you could have the breaks with aka-chan. Also a help in the household. Of course, you'd still have to work, but maybe a personal help would be a... erm... help.
    Wishing you all the best! Thanks for the picture! :-D

  6. I was in the same situation as you with both girls. I took 3 months off with the first and 2 with the second.
    The older one is in kinder now, the younger I brought with me to classes. Was a bit difficult but kept me a little sane.
    The times I just couldn`t manage, hub stepped in and took care of both (rare, hard on him too) but I guess you have MIL nearby so maybe once or twice a week leave kiddo with them for a couple of hours until you get into the swing of things.
    Also see if you can shuffle lessons so that you are not out 3 or 4 times day, if you can maybe try to get it all over in one lot.
    It did get better and I enjoyed getting out of the house, and doing stuff rather than stay home and listen to my own voice ;P

  7. My advice is, why not strive for your ideal situation? Take the first year off. Close the school if you can't afford to pay for someone to take over. Give your students plenty of notice so you don't burn any bridges. You've opened a school before, you can do it again; next time, though, you'll have a student base, as well as the business acumen you'd acquired over the years. It'll be easier in a lot of ways (and more difficult in others, with two kids this time around). That first year of healing/bonding is important if you can afford to have it together.

    It's great that R is chipping in with the housework, but he might need to step it up even more after the birth. If you work right after you give birth, you shoulder all the sacrifice and R much less. You could make a deal where you stay home for a year, and in return, R has to maintain his job and cut back on expenses to compensate for the late of income. You'll both be giving something up (you, a year of your career, and him, his current level of comfort), but it'll make it a joint effort.

  8. It's a hard one, and I have no experience of that. Is there any way of cutting the classes back at the school so you only go in a few times a week (when you feel ready for work) and then you can build it back up when the baby is at kindy? Sounds like Ryota needs a reminder of what it means to be a father of 2. You can't go back to work until you're ready and feel good about it, because it's not the kind of work you can do half arsed, the students notice and you feel crap. He'll just have to suck it up.

  9. 222~ You're right, he's not being a very good husband or father, but a little bit of an improvement from the fucker is a lot for me! :) I've contemplated getting a teacher or a whole year but I don't think I could trust anyone enough if I didn't already know them. Plus, the school is open from 9am-8pm and 2 teachers for 2 different shifts is financially impossible for me. Thanks for the advice!

    Illahee~ I've also thought of this, and for the morning adult classes it may be an option, but I think it may stress me out, plus I plan to breastfeed again and not sure how students will react to me flopping out my tits. If the bub cries I will feel guilty and don't know if I could handle it. Thanks! :)

    Kathrynoh~ Yes! Exactly right, I don't think I'll be able to find someone who a) will be willing to work with no guarantee of how long it's going to last and b)I totally trust with my school that has been only me for 2 years...
    A lot to think about, thanks! :)

    Suteisi~ That's what I'm finding really stressful at the moment, I'm almost burning out as it is, but with another newborn I probably will have some kind of nervous breakdown... Thanks! :)

    Michelle~ That sounds like a good idea, but it's so rare in Japan, I'd probably have to find someone from overseas. I'm not sure if I could afford the wages either, how much does and au-pair get paid?! Thanks! :)

    Colorbynumbers~ Well, you survived! That's one thing to make me feel better! The in-laws will help but it will basically be a LOT of time, I'm pretty much working all day every day at the moment so unless I lose a lot of students I can't really leave bubs there the whole time... :( Thanks! :)

    Anon~ Very sound advice, thank you! I've contemplated just closing the school for 3 months and hoping students stay with me, but honestly, I'm not sure how we'd go with our rental lease, if we would have to pay key money again to re-rent. Plus if I stopped the momentum then I might not ever get it back :) Thank you so much! :)

  10. Sarahf~ Yes, it's true, he needs to think about the bigger picture, but he's a man so I guess I have to forgive him for not quite getting it.
    Cutting classes back is an option but I feel some kind of personal obligation to all of my students, being such a small school and only me teaching them... It's a toughi, thank you for your advice! :)

  11. "it's stressing me out to the point where I can't sleep,"

    I have been without good sleep for quite a while now. I got no advice but your not walking down misery street alone. I'm somewhere on that road right now too.

    I need coffee just to function at this point. Hence the constantly grinding no sleep status....the circle continues....

    **Wave goodbye to Mr. Not Positive** ;)

  12. There are plenty of au-pair sites, that can tell you how much to pay the girl. I just googled and it didn't seem too rare in Japan.
    In Germany they get paid quite a lot: 400€, but in other countries it might be less.
    You will find a good solution, I'm sure. :-) Confidence!

  13. If you can't sleep, try listening to White Noise. Bit weird at first but works for me, not that I can't sleep, I just dig it anyway.
    And instead of coffee, order some Chia Seeds.

  14. Congrats ! What ever happens you need help, but I don,t think it should come from your husband leaving his job . Err where was the support and dinner cooking when you were opening the school? Do you really think surfer boy is house hubbie material? I think you r best option is to talk to mother in law. She will be the one stepping up to the plate to help you. Tell her your worried. If you can ask her if she will do the cooking, cleaning for 6 months extra baby sitting. Offer to pay her, break down and cry whatever to get the extra help. Two m,t two. It is more like 2 and a half. You can breastfeed and work BUt not all the other crap as well. How much of your life is spent doing the washing?? You fainted in the shops. Your body is telling you to Slow The Fuck down! Lentil weaver

  15. Congrats Corinne...tough decisions!
    Do NOT let R quit his job - he needs to man the fuck up and be a good husband & dad. Get him cracking on the domestic front - don't let him slack off!
    You'll probably find the first 3 months the hardest, but I'm guessing with you after you're in a routine you'll be keen to get out of the house for a few hours.
    Can you close the school for those first few months, then reopen for a few hours a day and gradually increase your lessons again?
    By that stage b'feeding should be more predictable and there will be no inconvenient leaking of bodily fluids to worry about.
    I can understand your concerns about the school but in all honesty, you can build it back up later. Your children are only young once and you can never get that time back.
    I'd love to come and offer my teaching services to you for a few months but I have 3 of my own snotty nosed darlings I'd have to bring!

    Au-pairs are a good option, maybe even to come to school with you for bub?...there are also demi-pairs which (in Aus anyway) offer 15 hours of childcare and cleaning in exchange for board while they study PT. Don't know what exists in Japan though. Have you thought about checking out the gaijin wifes near you? There may be a few bored (hah!) non-working gaijin wives who you could pay cheaply to help with bub, or mummy-nannies who'd be suitable?
    Hard to know how it will pan out until bub pops out and you know if they're clingy/easy/boobie guzzler but good idea to start looking into your options now ;-) gambatte! H.

  16. I was really worried a while ago when I thought I might be pregnant, and there's no way I want to give up my college job. It's only six hours a week, but still, I was CONSTANTLY considering options for how to deal with going back to work with a 4-6 week old breastfeeding baby... as Amy (11) said to me the other, can't the men at least have the boobs??

    BUT on the other hand, I've done it three times. Three times, I've quit cold turkey, bye bye everyone (no actually I hung on to the adult classes because they are often quite happy to go on an extended break, saves them a bit of money and time, and they're happy to come back to you because they know you and are comfortable with you).

    And three times built the work and classes, both juku and private, back up again.

    Think for a moment how long you keep students. If you're anything like any other school I know, you've got a constant turn-over with people always quitting and starting. Think of all those starters, and how soon you could build it up again.

    How about 3 months, until breastfeeding is somewhat more predictable again, like someone suggested above, then just bring him along and feed him before each class to avoid that tits in the students face scenario. I've taught with a baby before, it's certainly not ideal but it's not impossible either. Or make use of MIL, or get your Mum to come (that was one of my possible solutions to my dilemma!) And if you start back with adults they'll probably hold him for you!

  17. Your husband is damn lucky (in a good/bad way) to have such a driven wife.

    Not that it's advice, but its another idea to let sit with the others. If you do end up hiring someone to teach for a year, do you think there is anyone who would be willing to do it with the understanding that it is training? I imagine since you are good at what you do, there's got to be someone out there who understands the situation. Put out some advertisements for folks back home who might be wanting to go on working holiday?

    Whatever happens, bonding with your children looks like it's got top priority.

    Good luck.