International marriage fucking blows.
I hate being married in Japan sometimes. To a Japanese guy. To my Japanese guy?
So, this is how it went down this morning:
All was fine, Ryota has been helping me at home, a lot this week as I felt like I was going to die from a tummy bug on Wednesday and Thursday, but brownie points or not, this morning cleared them all. We get on to conversations on work, my work. Next year I'm changing the school system so I get public holidays and some extra time off, I worked my bum off this year and it just ain't gunna happen next year, I'll be dead by I'm 30. I'm excited about the new system, it's a good system but the extra holidays may mean that some students quit. I'm prepared for this and said to Ryota that we just had to accept that next year will not be a huge money-making year for the school because a) The new system will probably mean some drop-outs. b) I'm not going to do any advertising campaigns due to having small human inside belly. And c) I'm going to have to pay a teacher for at least a while to cover some, if not all of my lessons during baby pushing-out time.
This was a reasonable statement I think, I've accepted this, but like always, Ryota turns into a fucking mental case whenever we talk about money.
So after I said we'd just have to accept next year wasn't going to be that financially good, he said "So you're telling me I can never quit my job??" And as soon as he said it I knew he just wanted a fight. That wasn't what I was saying, but honestly, I wanted to. For him to quit his job any time soon is absolutely fucking insane to me. And to answer some comments, he wants to start his own landscaping business when he quits his job, and I support this, just not now. When my business, the main salary of the house, is also going to be shitty for a while. Once the bub goes to kindy, I can go back to working my arse off and have a stable income and THEN I want him to follow his fucking pipe dreams, it won't matter if he fails then. If he fails now, we're fucked.
The reason he wants to quit his job? Is because he doesn't get along with people, but how the fuck do you tell someone nicely that it's not everyone else, it's him that's the fucker?? Not always, but I can't believe that it's ALWAYS everyone elses's fault either. I'm sure working in a Japanese workplace is horrid, but he needs to man up and do it like every other person, no?? Am I being unreasonable?? Should I just let him quit if that's what he wants to do??
Anyway, I knew he wanted to fight, sometimes I think he needs to fight to get rid of stress but it just stresses me out more, so he kept asking "When can I quit??" "You don't think I can start my own business??" To which I answered in Japanese, "Dekiru toomou yo" (No, I think you can do it.) To which he WENT OFF, saying 'don't talk to me like a fucking kid!! What the fuck is that!?' Which really fucking upset me, I wasn't being cheeky, maybe I made a mistake in Japanese but fuck me he makes mistakes and uses stupid English all the time and I never say anything, because that's what you do in an international marriage, you fucking just understand what the other person is trying to say.
I'm so upset.
Then he asks me where the lighter is because he's going to start smoking again, he wanted me to stop him but I just didn't have the energy but it made me realise I've married a man with total mental weakness, he can't handle stress so he takes it out on others or other things. So disappointing that I've married a fucking mental case.
So at lunchtime he sends me this message:
"you dont wanna say sorry"
I replied with a massive rant that the only thing I could say sorry for was not being able to make him happier, because only he could do that.
Then he replied with:
"Why should I have to work next year? Us right?"
Ummmmm what the fuck, he wants to have the fucking baby?? Go ahead buddy!!! Be my guest, get fat, give birth, have to give up a job you actually like. Fucking cunt.
I sent him a reply to this effect that his tiny mind could comprehend and he replied with:
"you made me so angly im enught done i gave to u chance! done"
See what I mean about not tearing his fucking engrish to pieces, I would never belittle him and do that! (well except on my blog, but he already did the damage!!) I replied that he needn't come home tonight, he should stay at his Dad's house because after working 11 hours today I don't need an argument or the silent treatment. He said "got it. see you." So who fucking knows what that means most likely he'll come home and be a complete prick anyway but I really hope not.
Isn't this a horrible thought I just had, maybe if he came home and we had such a big argument that I had a miscarriage it would solve our problems.
Fucking messy, sorry for the horrible darkness, but I need some way to let it out!
Big up on immature husbands! I could have written the beginning of your post.ReplyDelete
You will have a rough year but hopefully a little buddle of joy will join your family :)
Wow. Your situation must be so stressful. You should so leave....though harder said than done!! Would love to hear all of the reasons that make you stay in such a situation.ReplyDelete
Shit fuckin sandwhich - as my Dad's best friend would say. Not what you need at all :( You've worked like a complete dog on that English school. I really wish he appreciated this enough to realise he just has to pull his finger out and stick his job out until a more viable time - like perhaps not when your preggers or pushing babies out or having babies hanging off your tit.ReplyDelete
Hope he grows up a bit over night and this doesn't last long.
And don't worry about those dark thoughts. I'm pretty sure I've had them too. Especially as Ryu was 'my fault'.
Damn... I don't know all the particulars, and have read only here and there on your blog, but, do you imagine he is ever going to man up...? If you portray him accurately, my money is on never.ReplyDelete
I am a father, not a mother, but that can be put aside with this: our first responsibilities are to our kids, because they cannot defend themselves; ourselves and our spouses come after. When you make whatever choice is best, do bear in mind this country has fucked custody laws, and likely so for parental support payments. Good luck finding a court that is going to support the Gaijin after the native. If you think you'd lose them, get a flight to Oz. I don't think his family would have the initiative to try to use the courts there.
"support the Gaijin over the native", that is.ReplyDelete
Hard to imagine a guy would consider quitting his job under these circumstances. Bummer for you to put up with this.ReplyDelete
I concur with Gaijinwife.ReplyDelete
Plus I want to say WTF.
And that he seems oblivious to what he shouldn't be oblivious to, given that this is not the first pregnancy for you to go through, and it makes my miso ramen boil to the point that the ground sesame separates in a weird fashion, to think that he can't see where and why he's so very wrong on 1) coming at you with the 'so I can't quit then?' instead of, 'sounds like a good plan, practical too, we'll get through this, dalring,' and 2) and the whole not being able to deal with his workplace, because if there's anywhere in the world where you can just get on with it, it's in the Japanese workplace. For sure, it's robotic, but if he's getting paid more than trying to start up a landscaping business during a recession, then he should pony up and stick with it, at least until the baby is born.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this above and beyond the mere strength it takes to be preggers.
Man... now all I wanna do it fly to Japan and give you some of my free time! I wish I was able to help you with your school :( At least that would take some of the burden off you, even if the husband is being a douche.ReplyDelete
Hope things turn out for the better~
Sigh. He really does need to man up, doesn't he? I'm sorry you have to deal with crappiness when you should be nesting, or whatever pregnant women do, (I seriously have no idea, all I know is not to say "wow, you're huge", and I learned that the hard way) but not dealing with arseholery, that's for sure.ReplyDelete
R shouldn't quit his job and start up a business, anyway, even if you weren't expecting a another little one. It seems less risky to start off slowly: just landscaping on the weekends and holidays. If it seems like a good venture, he could quit his job.ReplyDelete
For now, he could focus all that raw, frustrated energy on the minutae of the company he wants to run: drafting a business plan, creating a logo, creating a budget, advertising, whatever. I've been frustrated at work before, and focusing on a business plan (that never came to fruition) helped me realize my own potential and value.
You said some wise words above about R making his own happiness. So true. It also applies to you: where do you draw the line with him? What would make you happy?
The best of luck wih everything :)
Congratulations...you've got a relationship!
I have no sympathy for J-spouses who treat their significant other 'gaijin' with a lack of respect... especially with that familiar tone of arrogance that comes out sounding blissfully ignorant.
I've seen adult kids burn through their parent's retirement savings to make payments on the Rolex...okay, a bit of an exaggeration about the timepiece,but not the depletion of a generation's savings. I don't think there are enough people around who truly have a grip on reality.
Landscaping ain't for everybody. Gotta be prepare do work really long hours, basically whatever it takes to get the work done, often times in more than undesirable weather.
Reality check is so needed.
I was on my way to working myself into the ground early when I finally said enough is enough. Told her she could go out and get a job like everyone else if she thought we needed the extra cash that wouldn't be coming in. That shut her up in a heartbeat (I think she was embarrassed). She adjusted, and we're actually having something of a life at the moment. And no, she still doesn't work outside the home. I actually prefer that she stay home.That's what the shock-collar is for.
Good luck working this out...not just saying that for sugar coating. Relationships are those things in life that are life.
phew... I find it quite a miracle you guys have even come this far?ReplyDelete
Just one word: Men!ReplyDelete
They are just like this. And still it's said we women would be oh so emotional and irrational. Pah! Bullshit, I say!
don't you wish there was like a 妊娠体験 we could give men?
i hope things went ok last night.
my, batsuichi apartment of love in tokyo will be open come spring if you need a vacay :P
Dunno Michelle. You're ringing the bell on 'irrational' there at least. We're not all emotionally stunted children y'know.ReplyDelete
Just to play devil's advocate, I'm insanely jealous of the amount of time my wife gets to spend with our son, and if we had a second kid I'd certainly want to explore ways of getting more interaction. I think it's clear communication skills aren't R's strong point. Any chance that he's trying to express this in his own screwed up little way?
No, you're right, probably not.
You could try the practical route. I'm assuming his job's full time? Which means that they'll contribute to his, and more importantly, the kids' health insurance. Not something either of you would get as self-employed.
If that fails, call his bluff. If you're going to be the main bread winner you should go back to Oz because you could earn more there. Plus people actually have gardens bigger than a postage stamp, so it could be good for him too...
"Us right?" Yes, 'Us'. It's called being married, being in a relationship, being a parent. Surely that doesn't still come as a surprise?
Good luck. Afraid it sounds like you're going to need it.
Excellent advice, Kamo.ReplyDelete
umm do you think all this stressy stuff between you both could be partly because you have your own business and he doesn't? he has business envy??ReplyDelete
i say the mother in law is the key. You need to get passive aggressive on his arse. tell her everything that he has been saying. tell her you are worried and ask what should you do? also drop it in conversation that the shouting is making you sick and that you re going to the doctor because of it... Ask for her advise so anything you do is her idea and not yours :) So every time he fucks off to her house he gets an earful ganbatte the lentilweaver
I think Anonymous' idea to complain to the MIL is spot-on. He'll run off with his tail between his legs for a day or two, be dumb enough to complain to his friends, and likely have them tell him he's a tool - then he'll reflect better.ReplyDelete
And 'Michelle', if I turned that around and said the following, it would make me a dick:
"Just one word: Women!
They are just like this. And still it's said we men would be oh so selfish and macho. Pah! Bullshit, I say!"
So if you're not a dick, enlighten me to what you are, please.
No, Japanese men aren't all like that. He should consider your needs as a pregnant women - that having a baby must be a painful and dangerous experience and he needs to give full support and put less stress on you at this time in your lives.ReplyDelete
But, I think some work places must be exhausting if they're anything like the student school system. There might be something going on tin his that you don't know about like mobbing.
I think you guys should see a qualified marriage counsellor. You might find things get a lot better.
I don't know the full story and how fantastic Ryo might be when he's at his best and maybe it balances out on the plus side to some extent. But just reading this, I don't see why you should make yourself put up with it. If anything, now is the time that he needs to support you, Ash and the coming baby the most. He should be thankful that you are pulling in decent amounts of cash and not bitching about wanting to quit his job.ReplyDelete
Seems like he is extremely spoiled (or as you put it in an earlier post "chonanitis") but you are his wife and not his mother and should be treated with some affection, respect and love for what you do for the family... Not so easy to just pull up and leave with a little one and one on the way (btw, I think that the Japanese courts would treat you fairly in a custody battle but he would of course get some rights which might make a return to Australia difficult). But it seems like he needs a wake-up call of some kinda. Best of luck!
"you dont wanna say sorry"ReplyDelete
Oh man...I know this one..(it's in the "assholes playbook" I got my copy ;) ....he REALLY wanted to fight.
Hope today was better than Friday :)
First time commenting. :)ReplyDelete
I hope you feel better, don't let him stress you out like that. Just ignore him, hon. :( I'm not sure how stuff works in Japan, but if it ever gets to stressful just tell him you need space or something. I would hate to see ya have to stick through a marriage that makes you so sad. :\ <3
Things sound a bit rough, hope you can recover from things soon. Maybe a counsellor may be a good idea. There could also be some frustration in communication perhaps, coming home after a long day and being frustrated in not being able to rant. Anyway chin up mate, I have my fingers crossed for you.ReplyDelete
aww, big hugs... obviously he's being a child by saying he wants to quit his job, and he should man up a bit more.... but like you said, seems that he just likes to pick fights to just vent so... maybe he doesn't really mean it?ReplyDelete
anyhow, it's a sucky situation and i'm not quite sure what to say, but i'm sure it'll right itself up soon enough. have a little faith ^_-
I wonder if sometimes we bring it on ourselves by working so hard as the breadwinner and doing so much that they go back to children and think we are Santa or something. Want want want but don't actually put the time in.ReplyDelete
If he wants to start his own business he can give up surfing and start at nights and weekends and then when it takes off he can quit his job.
I for one don't think you're being that unreasonable about not wanting Ryota to quit his job. What if he did quit and couldn't find another job for a long period of time? It's scary to think about being short on finances when you suddenly have another little one to take care of.ReplyDelete
If he really wants another baby he's going to have to cooperate and financially support you all since it'll be much tougher for you to pick up as many hours as you did this year. I know it must pain in the ass for him to work at a job he doesn't like, but if he really values his family he'll stick it out and wait until later to chase after his dream job.
I hope things will get better for you soon. Hang in there!!
What I meant by mobbing is that maybe he's being bullied or something like that at his work place???ReplyDelete
Honestly that man needs a good slapping sometimes.ReplyDelete
Long story short - he has to work because at the moment he is the one bringing home the bacon while you have & take care of the kids. He will just have to suck it up & see.
In the future if he can prove that he is able to make a reasonable income by starting his own business then fine. If he is having these sorts of personality issues whilst working for someone else - how is he going to cope when he IS the business?
Oh & by the way Husbands saying stupid shit & whinging about wanting to quit jobs etc - not just a japanese thing, my completely Kiwi husband is just as much of a dick at times.
Mobbing? I very much doubt it.
He's just being a selfish dick and not thinking about things in practical or supportive terms.
I've had that problem before from Japanese folks when I use the langauge incorrectly: "Don't treat me like a kid," or "You know Japanese well enough to not make that mistake," or whatever. Fortunately never from my (Japanese) girlfriend though. :( I hope you both can come to a good conclusion. Maybe he should kick his personal business into gear before he quits his current job. Well, I'm sure you both have talked through this before.ReplyDelete