I swear to God if Ryota and I ever get divorced, I guarantee it will happen on Mother's day. I don't know why, but it is NEVER a good day. OK, we've only had 4 together, but the 1st one was a disaster because he did sweet fuck all and I was new to the whole 'Japanese guys don't give a shit about sentimental holidays' game and was really upset, the second I was pissed because he knew I got upset the first time but still didn't get it right or make much of an effort at all, and the third was a disaster that ended up in me sobbing at the register of a restaurant. So by the 4th, I was fully prepared for him to not do anything, but turned out he made a VERY good effort, but we ended up in massive fight anyway.
The fight started on Saturday. OK, actually it started when he went to Australia and I cleaned our house from top to bottom, and not just surface cleaning and shoving shit in cupboards like my usual efforts, I'm talkin' organising, cleaning, scrubbing type cleaning. You know, the type good housewives do everyday and shit. I don't blame him totally, because this is my hang up, but I thought he should appreciate my efforts a bit more than he did. Someone throwing shit all over the floor when you've spent a week meticulously folding underpants, scrubbing grime in the shower and looking after a 3 year old by yourself was not the best way to impress me, but when Ryota got home he proceeded to do his usual trick of throwing his clothes wherever they fell. It drives me nuts, especially when it's sweaty undies or socks strewn all over the place after he's been running. But, I know it's just something he's not good at, he's quite good at other cleaning type stuff, just clothes and coffee cups are his downfall, so I do what I believe you have to do in a partnership- I suck it up and keep it zipped, because getting on with people is all about compromise in my opinion.
So come Saturday morning and Ash spilt his drink. I went to grab a rag to mop it up. I may be strange but I see a rag as a rag, I wipe whatever and then I throw it in the washing machine so to me it doesn't really matter what I mop up, unless it's baby poo or something and then I use bum wipes. But apparently this is repulsive to Ryota, who's family have always separated table rags from floor rags. Now, I get this, you don't have to wash the table rags every time, but it just wasn't how it was done in my house, so considering I do all of the cleaning in the house, I do it my way. This drives Ryota mental, it always has, along with my lack of refrigerator management, which I admit is not good, but fuck, cut me some slack, nobody is perfect! After we had a spat about it, he then plastered his protests on facebook, which pissed me off too, but whatever, it's just facebook I didn't really give a fuck.
I went to work on Saturday afternoon and got home at 8 to Ryota furiously cleaning out the fridge. I was too tired to give a fuck but when he started getting narky with me obviously pissed off it really fucked me off. He then informed me that he and Ash had already eaten and he hadn't made anything for me. This just kind of hurt. I would never do that to him, especially if he'd been working and his coldness really upset me. It then released the bitch in me and I was PISSED. Slamming shit around and thinking about how lucky he was that his wife was willing to go out and work at all, maybe he should have married a Japanese woman who would have quit work when she got engaged! But noooo, stupid bastard has stupid piss poor job that doesn't make nearly enough money to support us. I was internalising all the anger, I felt/ feel? like a big victim in that I'm still working so hard this pregnancy. He called me a stupid bitch at one point and I said "Fucking leave if I'm such a stupid bitch then!"
I stomped off to bed and he slept in the spare room, I'm ALWAYS the one to apologise first but not this time, not over fucking separating rags and not cleaning the fridge properly. Golden week without him really showed me that I can go it alone if I really have to, it saves me hours in picking up sweaty undies if nothing else. The next morning I had to work in Osaka and I always take Ash with me in the stroller so Ryota always drops us off at the train station but because we were ignoring each other he fucked off for a haircut, leaving me (8 months pregnant mind you) to struggle with Ash and the stroller balanced in the bicycle to the station about a 10 minute ride away. Not a big deal, but again, very hurtful that it was mother's day and he didn't care enough about me or the baby enough to swallow his pride and insist on driving us to the station. Again, I know I was playing the victim a bit, it was my choice to work after all, but still... Chivalry is so past dead in Japan it's not funny.
So after he fucked off I sent him a text saying I wanted him out of the house by the time I got home, and he replied with "Fine I'll be back May 20th." I wanted to send another one back saying, "why stop at May 20th, just fucking leave for good!" But I didn't want to text again so just left it. He was there when I got home, as were a present, flowers and card on the table. I ignored all and he said he was leaving soon. I think he expected me to open a dialogue but I wasn't having it, just said "good" and collapsed on the couch, I was pretty fucked after working anyway. He started banging things into a bag and finally left. It was when I didn't hear his bike that I realised by "moving out" he was going to Grandma's house (3 fucking steps away!) Stupid twat.
After about an hour he came back, I think Grandma had told him to stop being an arse and he came back to talk. We had it out, the details of the argument are kind of boring, but basically I made it very clear I didn't feel appreciated or considered enough and that if I was a housewife doing lunches with friends and watching Korean dramas all day then he had every right to knit pick about cleaning, but when I'm working and doing the majority of the house stuff he had no fucking right to bitch.
So after that exhausting weekend of fighting I finally got some awesome shoes and a new personalised ipod saying "always love you Mummy" along with the token carnations, so he finally got the
"he then plastered his protests on facebook, which pissed me off too"ReplyDelete
Corrine...seriously I'm not coming right out and saying..hey come sleep in my bed and everything will be alright (O.K. Kinda :) )
But Facebook? Is he fucking 13 years old? What the fuck is wrong with him. He can air dirty laundry but ha can't pick it up or wash it?
I think he needs a nice smack up the side of his head. I know you're at fault sometimes like when you broke down at the nice restaurant last year cuz the kid was crying but he did try...problem is he does it as a final resort after treating you like shit to keep you from losing your mind. He needs a fucking beating or some counseling.
I think he needs a serious ass whooping.
"he can air his dirty laundry but he can't pick it up or wash it?"Delete
Oh my god this is so good, if only his English was good enough to get this!
He's lucky to have such a patient and enabling wife as you. I would have lasted 2 seconds with a 'man' like that. You deserve a fcking medal and he doesn't deserve you.ReplyDelete
Thank you. Of course this is my blog so I can only write my side of things, maybe I should give him a guest post for him to defend himself... :)Delete
Chris is right, Facebook?! Oh, and I'm storing the "he can air his dirty laundry but he can't wash it" for future use. I may even manipulate a situation just to use it.ReplyDelete
Is Ryota back from Grandma's? Has anything changed? It'd be good if he recognised cycling while extremely pregnant wasn't the safest way to travel, if only to protect his unborn child.
Yeah, he lasted like an hour at Grandma's, his whole family was like "Ummmm you are being a massive twat, go back and apologise!" Which was nice of them, but MIL later told me that it was more selfish, they didn't want him back in their house!! haha at least it's not me who finds him hard to live with!Delete
I admire your sense of humour in the face of such fucking idiocy. How you manage not to whack the immature chou-nan over the head with a fry pan is beyond me. Keep up with your business, save your shekels, and when the timing is right (and you'll know when it is), get the hell out of there. I read your blog weekly, and think you are a superstar.ReplyDelete
I keep fry pans in a cupboard away from easy reach precisely for this reason... haha thank you for your support!Delete
If he throws his clothes on the floor, throw them out. Obvs they aren't dirty or they'd be in the laundry basket so he mustn't want them.ReplyDelete
But, on the other hand, I don't get women who expect presents from their husbands on mother's day. It's mother's day, not wife's day.
Hmmm now there's an idea, I wonder how he'd react with his precious brand name stuff... still, he'd definitely learn a lesson!Delete
Technically I know you're right but I think when kids are little, as in not old enough to understand the whole mother's day concept at all, that the dad should make an effort. I certainly appreciate him at Father's day, it's a way of me saying thank you to him for being a good father.
we have had the exact same which rag to use argument. We haven't for ages now and after three kids and hundreds of accidents and spillages he follows my 'grab the fastest thing' rule. Very very bad form leaving you to bike to the station with a stroller balanced on your bike. 'Leaving' and stomping off to Granny's - LOL. I'd love to see my hub do that. Run away to the back room. Glad he copped on in the end but pity it took so much time. Lets hope next year is better right. xxxReplyDelete
Riding a bike with all that stuff 8 months pregnant, you are amazing! I bet your neighbours and every person that saw you on that trip to the station felt angry at your husband for not supporting you. I have to carry a lot of crap plus baby around town and am always alone and people notice stuff. They say I am kawaiso. I don't need help as i am perfectly capable and my husband is out working for us but people love to protect young mothers. So I think you are quite brilliant. Hopefully he will remember the episode every mothers day so the same arguement won't resurface. You deserve all that stuff and a lot more, perhaps your husband knows you can actually mange without him and it makes him act up. Might be a knock for his self esteem but he gets all the good stuff like care and comfort so he had better get over himself.ReplyDelete
Reading your blog always leaves me feeling like I'm reading my life as it would have been had I stayed with my husband, stayed in Japan and had children.ReplyDelete
I had a feeling that things would never 'work' and after being with the man for ten years and building a life in Japan, I threw it all away and moved back to Australia. In some ways I regret it, but in other ways I think I made the right decision.
My biggest obstacle was getting over my pride - after sticking it out for so long and slightly enjoying the feeling of being a 'martyr', I felt a bit foolish coming back and settling into a life that was not challenging in any way, shape or form and no longer being the 'special gaijin wife' that I was in Japan was a bitter pill to swallow.
Regardless of what you choose to do, kudos to you for all you have achieved.
Is it just me that thinks posting on facebook is akin to bitching on a blog? Don't get me wrong, I think YOU'RE totally justified! It's the comments that made me laugh.ReplyDelete
I'm right there with you on the compromise thing. And Hide and I have had words over rags too. He thought that it was terrible that I would use a tea towel / hand towel on the floor. I don't get it. If it's going to go in the washing machine anyway, who cares!
I hope things calm down soon on the work front. You really are a trooper! Deb
As I've mentioned, I think is is the ass most of the time but it is a bit unfair that only my side is told... But thank you!ReplyDelete
Your husband's behavior reminds me of my wife's. She was brought up in a household where sick or wounded get kicked and yelled at, "Get up! Get better! Stop lying there twitching! You sorry-assed..." Okay, maybe she's not that bad - I've never been wounded. But I've seen she and her mother sucking their teeth in disgust at grandpa when he kind of looked like he was dying on the floor. Fortunately he got better. Which gave them even more confidence in their approach.ReplyDelete
Yeah, your husband's behavior somehow reminds me of my wife's because of the undercurrent in the attitude. I work and she stays home and takes care of the basics in a minimal sort of way. Sure glad I'm not pregnant. Or sick right now.
just started reading and was browsing through.ReplyDelete
firstly, i agree with many of your readers who commented- you are definitely a gutsy, strong woman.
what i don't agree with is how so many of them can outright say that you should leave him. i'm not against divorce, but to comment on the drastic action that they think you should take is kinda rough. i hope it won't influence your decision-making in the future, but it will be kinda be just wishful hoping.
all the best to you and your sweet children!