Hate

Hate is a tricky word to use, I teach kids to use the word talking about fucking capsicum or mushrooms, but when you actually have to use it with all it's power, it gets hard. There are things that you can say and never take back.

I know I've said them, witnessed people say them, and had them say them to me. You forgive them but it's like your brain has a cheapo eraser, you can never quite get the faint pencil lines of what was said to disappear. If I had to pick my top few that have stuck in my mind, it would be my Dad screaming at my mum, calling her a cunt (among every other name) and then telling her not use me as her "fucking little lackey" after she told him to lower his voice because I could hear. I didn't really know what it meant at the time, but it stung, and I'll never forget it.

Another is Ryota when he said to me: "You're a bad mother" Doesn't pack quite the same punch as "cunt" but to a mother who actually gives a fuck, it really is the worst insult. I'll NEVER ever forget him saying that, and probably never forgive him totally either.

And finally there would be Ryota's sister, I can't actually remember her exact words but when she started going off at me because she said I 'mouth-off' too much, (about Kimutaku remember!) that event will also never be totally gone either. No matter how close we get, I'll always be wary.

And I realised I'll never totally trust any of these people, who will have totally forgotten what they said, and will probably never know the effect they've had. It was also then that I realised these 3 very different people in my life have something in common, they are all quite difficult to hate.

On separate occasions I've hated all of them, but then they do something redeeming, sweet, thoughtful... And it's like the hate game goes into over-time and I'm not done with them, i can't totally obliterate them from my life. Maybe I'm attracted to these types?? Daddy issues?? Who fucking knows, just something to ponder I guess.

Classic example was last night, after the last post, the money thing with SIL was still bugging me and I was on the edge of enrolling Bailey in kindy starting from this April, when last night SIL saw how tired I was and that Bailey wasn't sleeping for me, and she offered to take him and play with him until he fell asleep so I could get some rest. What the fuck?! Maybe she felt guilty about the money too??? For a sleep deprived mother whose husband has a broken finger (another story...) and can't help you, this is literally the best thing that anyone could do. And I realised if she would do things like that for me then I'm a cunt for caring about a few extra thousand yen!

Is it just me who has these kinds of people around them, so God damn hard to hate, it makes me hate them even more!!