Horrible stuff. Damn shame I enjoy spending it so much actually.
I have a thing with money... I HATE tightarses, it's the one (and only?!) thing that Ryota is my dream man with. He's not tight, he doesn't gamble and he lets me handle our money. Just the way I like it. I think it's because my Grandad was an absolute tight cunt with money, it made me actually call him a cunt once, like to his face, an old man!! That's another story though... Point is, I hate people who are tight with money, that said, I'm not a waster either and I just hate any situation that gets awkward when it comes to money I guess.
My family are great with money, we'd all give it to each other in a second and there's no weirdness, if we need it we ask, if we can give it, we do. Pretty simple. Or so I thought...
But no, not in Japan!
So here's the story, can't remember if I've written it here or not, but while I'm working, Ryota's sister, formerly known as 'dog-fucker' and currently just known as 'fucker', is looking after Bailey for me. It's a big help, but I pay for that shit, so for me it just evens out, I don't feel the need to lick any arseholes for the favour and I like it that way. So the arrangement was: Any lesson that I worked when Ryota wasn't around to look after him, I would pay her ￥1000 a lesson. Which isn't minimum wage, and isn't a fortune, but pretty damn reasonable for a job you can do in your pyjamas I thought. Now the fact that Bailey sleeps a lot in the day (and hardly at all at night!) is irrelevant, it does piss me off however. Now the school is open from 9am-8pm but I don't work all those hours, which is why we made our arrangement by the lesson. Ryota leaves at 8am and gets home at 6pm, so to me I thought that I would be paying her for any lesson that I worked between 9am-6pm. And it was working well I thought! It was an average of ￥90,000 a month for her, not bad right!? More than I would be paying even for private childcare but I have Bailey with me when I'm not working and I can still breastfeed him, which I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise.
Today I gave her ￥15,000 for the week because Tuesday was a day off and I'd taken Ash out for his birthday. Now I'm not sure if there was some confusion if I was supposed to pay for that day too but mother-in-law was all, "Oh I think you've made a mistake Corinne!" And it got kind of awkward because although they'd taken Bailey for the day for me so I could have some one-on-one time with Ash for his birthday, I thought that was a favour... And I was like... "Ohh but I didn't work on Tuesday..." and just kind of trailed off, I really need more balls but I'm quite Japanese in this kind of situation. But I think they genuinely forgot about it so it was fine, but after a few hushed whispers later, mother-in-law said: "Are you going to pay for the lessons from 6pm-7pm because Ryota is never here...??"
Sorry, but it kind of annoyed me, firstly, fucker didn't say it to my face, had to run to mummy to say it for her, and honestly, I'd rather pay a professional to watch my kid without the side of guilt!! So I payed it, because it's true, Ryota gets home at 6 and could technically watch Bailey but he usually goes running has a shower, which I don't begrudge him, but when it cost me ￥1000...? Maybe I'm really being petty but as I understood it, that extra hour would be a favour to Ryota and really nothing to do with me, but apparently not. So Ryota said to fucker "Don't be a cunt, say it to her face, don't be an idiot and get Mum to say it!" And she went all red and said "Ahh ohh yeah OK..."
Now it pissed me off to the point that I'd actually like to just put him into daycare now but if I do that's going to rock the fucking Japanese poker face cunting family boat and I'd never live it down so I think I just have to suck it up and pay my extra ￥20,000 a month with a fake smile on my face.
Oh and before anyone tells me what a bitch I'm being because it's not her responsibility or duty to look after my kids, I know, that's why I'm paying. And if anyone thinks I'm holding her back with her family obligations don't even go there because if you knew her you'd realise that this is the ONLY "job" she's ever had and if she had any prospects of wanting to get a real life I'd have him in day care in a second. Actually, strike that, feel free to call me a bitch, maybe my sense of reality is skewed... All opinions on the topic welcome anyway!
One thing I've definitely realised, money and this fucking family definitely don't mix!
Good grief! Considering she's unemployable etc. and has never even bothered to get a job, I think it's rich of them to mention the Tuesday, the extra hours. And if Ryota is never there, he should have backpaid the extra money.ReplyDelete
I'm glad you agree!! Ryota did offer to pay the extra actually (I always leave that shit out, poor Ryota!) But his money is my money so it doesn't really mean much... :DDelete
Yeah, get out of the arrangement. In fact, get out of the house, with the kids and Ryoto ideally. Financially a real struggle, but it's got to be the game-plan, and not years off.ReplyDelete
Get out of what house? If I'm not mistaken, they own their own house now, near Ryota's family.Delete
Yup in our own house, just painfully (and sometimes conveniently) close!Delete
1000 yen is pretty good, isn't it? That's about what you'd make an hour working at a conbini or family resturant. I think you are being pretty fair.ReplyDelete
Why isn't Ryota paying for the time after 6pm?
I think it's really good actually, usual is about 880 I think! Ryota did offer to be fair, I should give him a bit more credit! :DDelete
sounds like the situation works well but with very loose loopholes. I would sugget you sit down with her and line up an air tight contract for when and for what she gets paid. including non-slip details on non school days and husband's hours... make an air tight contract so that nobody gets burned. I don't think you are being tight at all in this.ReplyDelete
Good advice, but doing that would cause tension I think... So right though I need to set my boundaries so nobody gets ballsed up!Delete
I agree with Jan. sit down with her, hubby & MIL and set some clear guidelines so there is no confusion in the future.ReplyDelete
Sound advice, yes. I made it clear to Ryota and so he's actually conveyed it now, not totally direct but as close as we'll get I think! Thanks!Delete
You are absoutely not being a bitch. She's unemployable (as someone else has pointed out) and you're family. Most family members wouldn't expect money unless they'd quit their job to do it, they definitely wouldn't quibble over a bit of time here and there. If daycare would be cheaper, and wouldn't give you hassle like this, I say do the daycare as soon as he's weaned. Either that, or Jan's idea of an airtight agreement. If she tries to say there's no need because she's family, tell her straight and screw the Japanese niceities, and write it down anyway. You have too much on your plate for her silly girl dramas, which is what this is.ReplyDelete
I'm totally going to go for day care as soon as I can, I might push for April instead of June but weaning is a big problem...Delete
I think you're righ too, she will say "Oh don't worry about it!" But the damage is already done! Thanks for the good advice!!
Don't let them bully you, Corrine...if they're so petty as to ask for more when you're already being more than kind and fair paying family to look after family...surely, you can stand up for yourself and what's fair to you and just do what you say you want to do - which is use a professional childcare service? Why are you being all Japanese with them when they're obviously not being at all Japanese with you? If you keep accepting shit and surpressing what you want and invalidating yourself like this, you're going to become more unhappy and dissatisfied. Was that all your hubs had to say? He didn't even think to ask them to do the extra hour as a favor to him? This is so fucked up...sorry.ReplyDelete
Thank you... :D You're right, this feeling shitty about an extra hour really is crap, I think I will put my foot down, cut my ties and do day care from April. Hopefully she'll miss the cash and I'll do her a favor by kicking her bum into gear so she'll get a job/life! Hmmm not likely, but still. Thank you!Delete
I agree with you about it all being petty. I think it is tacky to complain about a little time at night. If she does not like it, she should take it up with Ryota. It is expecially tacky to complain about the Tuesday that was her nephew's birthday. Maybe she should get a job in the commercial world--punching a time clock etc.ReplyDelete
I honestly think the Tuesday might have been an honest mistake, it was just the indirect way that made it awkward I think. Tacky is a good word for her though!! :DDelete
Not that is much you can do about it, however maybe he does not sleep at night because she lets him sleep all day instead of interacting, playing with him??ReplyDelete
I think if he can get into the same day care as your older son, why not just put him in? He will probably have a better daily routine in day care where he will actually sleep at night , it's way cheaper than what your paying now and sounds like it would be way less stressful! I have 3 kids, youngest 2 are in day care and the oldest is in shogakko and I wouldn't think to use my Japanese inlaws for long term day care as I can only imagine all the guilt tripping would do my head in. Better to ask them to look after the kids only on an emergency basis I think.ReplyDelete
I will definitely be trying from June ( they have to be a year old at Ash's Kindy) but chances are he won't get in, even then I think I'll just send him to a different one. The guilt trips are really driving me crazy, it means I can never ask them to watch them when I want to do anything else as we'll. thank you. :)Delete
Talking about money is HARD outside of the workplace. Or in it, too. Even my most direct friends and family members get nervous about it.ReplyDelete
Sitting everyone down would seem like a good move, as others have mentioned above, but I know how hard being direct can be in Japan. It seemed to put everyone on the defense whenever I tried it.
Although you SIL should learn how to deal with people herself, doesn't sound like it's happening. So, using you MIL as the proverbial middleman might be your best bet. You can set everything straight through her (what constitutes a payable hour? When you run errands? Classes only? Is it only when your SIL is at home?). Or maybe you could have her fill out a time card? Seriously; it might help separate work and family a bit.
Best of luck. Weird situation. Although I don't think it's unreasonable to pay your SIL for long-term care, you shouldn't have to pay every single person for every single favor given over a lifetime. And, who knows, she might feel the same.
Thank you, great advice!Delete
We really should have had the 'what is payable??' convo before now, but you're right, it just makes everyone on edge. I don't think it's unreasonable either, I just wish it wasn't such a grey area, like when I go to the supermarket, it's freezing cold and if I can I'd rather leave him there sleeping but then I think 'Wait do I have to pay for that?!' ugh so awkward! Hanging out for June!!
Tell your husband to pay for that extra hour! Technically he should be doing it, rightReplyDelete
He did offer, but yeah, all our money comes to me so kind of funny. But poor ryota, he did say that! >_<Delete
How old is she again??????? Did she go to uni????ReplyDelete
She's 28... and didn't go to high school...Delete
I think MIL should be dedicated and work to get her independent. Who is going to coddle her when MIL is gone? Maybe she needs some tough love? She needs to become self sufficient---be able to live on her own and take care of herself.Delete
I find it a bit strange too to be honest but the alternative of guilt-ridden work shifts isn't good either so I'm OK with paying, I just don't like the petty stuff I guess. Thanks for the support! :)ReplyDelete
Haha so true, the frustration is worth more than the money! I'll be happy when he can get into day care, it will be a load off my mindReplyDelete
Leeches indeed, nice rant!ReplyDelete
So true, it will be interesting what happens in the future when they learn their favorite aunty took money to watch them!!
Looking forward to the pros, at least then I'm paying without the fucking drama!
Yeah hard sitch but I do think that she should be paid for daily care. Anything outside of those hours she or MIL should be willing to help out a bit! I have no one really to help me and would love someone close by to help out occasionally when I am sick but asking on a permanent basis would be stressful I think. She obviously has issues but maybe for the sake of relations you may have to just put up with her untill he can get into a nice daycare. Much cheaper anyway! Good luck, family is stressful in many situations xReplyDelete
I think she should be too actually, just so hard with the favor and job cross-overs... :(Delete
It must be so hard to not have anyone, I should be grateful that I was able to work from when mine was 3 months old and still see him in the daytime.
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Must be funny!!ReplyDelete
In a rich man's world...
AHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHH!!! hehehe
Your MIL is probably really grateful that you're giving her daughter some kind of self worth as an employed person, and so maybe she's pushing the get-paid-for-every-hour line. What a shame you were trying to set up something that could work for everyone and it's caused all this aggravation for yourself.ReplyDelete
Good luck with straightening things out.
Possibly! I never thought of it that way actually! i know my parents were always push me to accept jobs, even if they were babysitting/dog walking etc. I was 12 at the time, but still, baby steps!! :DDelete
Ugh, so awkward! I hate talking about money. It's difficult, because there will probably be times when you need her help looking after the kids, so you don't want to burn your bridges. Perhaps you could get him into daycare soon and do the Japanese passive-aggressive thing, like "I was worried that you would feel too much stress caring for Bailey all day and I don't want you to feel that you have no chance to go out and do other work, so I decided to put Bailey into daycare to take the burden off you. Of course, I'd be really grateful if you could look after him sometimes in emergencies, and I'd pay for that.." I dunno, but laying a little guilt-trip on her would be fair. At least she might start back-pedalling furiously. I'd also be worried about my kids spending so much time with such a loser! Not when they're babies perhaps, but later, she's setting a pretty crap example. Good luck!ReplyDelete
Hmmm the guilt-trip, flip it on her is actually a great tactic, I think if we do decide to put him in day care from April that's exactly what I'll do, thanks!!!Delete
I say get Bailey in daycare as soon as possible. It'll be much cheaper, better quality care by trained professionals and a much more stimulating day which will knacker him out and hopefully get him sleeping through the night. Even if you end up having your boys in different daycare for a while, (been there done that and survived!)it'll be better for Bailey I reckon Much better than spending his formative years with his dopey aunt surely?ReplyDelete
I like the above comment of going all passive-aggressive on them. Poor SIL can't look for other employment while she's looking after her nephew, eh? Good luck!
hehe "Better than spending his formative years with his dopey aunt" LOVE that line!! :DReplyDelete
Yup, the passive aggressiveness here is mostly annoying but great when you can use it to your advantage!