I often feel very lucky to live so close to Ryota's family, I'm very lucky that when Ashton is driving me nuts that he can go to their house for a bit ensuring I don't actually throw him out the window. They also help me in many other ways, but lately, today especially, I think it's best just to cut ourselves off, or even better, just move. Because the only thing worse than having no support, is having support there that are being cunts.
Well, it's not actually true, if it boils down to it I'm actually the cunt because I expect too much. I was brought up in a very hard-working house. My parents always worked hard, rewarded us if we worked hard and really believed in helping each other out if we were doing it tough. My Dad always said: "God helps those who help themselves" and by God, he meant the people around you, I think it's a pretty good philosophy too, try yourself and then you'll get the help you need, be a lazy fuck and nobody will help you and you'll end up with nothing.
So from yesterday Bailey started going to kindy, it was harder for me than I thought and I felt so guilty at my free time that I went into a cleaning frenzy. Feeling less guilty as I have 8 lessons and just an hour for lunch today, but it still breaks my heart that he's not with me anymore. He couldn't get into Ash's kindy, so the drop off and pick up is a pain in the arse, mornings not so bad, but afternoons are a fucking dilemma. My busiest time is from 4-8, it's just the reality of eikaiwa. When the kids are older it won't be so bad but at the moment it blows, it interrupts the dinner routine, pushes back the bath routine and is just exhausting. But all that can be dealt with, what cannot be dealt with, is the actual pick up. When it was just Ash, Ryota would pick him up on the motorbike, not ideal, but it worked fine. Bailey can't go on the bike so it puts forward the problem that if Ryota goes home on the bike, gets the car and goes to get both boys, by the time he gets to both places, it will be after 6 and we'll have to pay extra for both kids.
Now if Ryota just picks up Ash on the bike, he gets there before 6 and it's all good. Bailey is the problem. I was hoping (stupidly) that the days I can't go, MIL or dog-fucker would go for me. But last night when I asked MIL, she was very... cold...? with her response and it was quite obvious that she did not want to pick him up. Fair enough, but hurtful all the same. She basically said in her mail: "I thought when Bailey started kindy you'd change your work schedule! Is it just tomorrow?! What about the time from pick-up to when Ryota gets home??" Now these are all valid questions, but she knows I can't just change a whole group of kids easily, it just won't happen, 5pm is one of the busiest slots and almost impossible to free up.
MIL works, so I can understand if she is busy, but dog-fucker has no job, so I should just ask her right? Well, I'm sorry, I can't. I've been shut down by her luke-warm responses too many times before that if she doesn't offer, I just can't beg her. Now usually when this problem crops up (me fucking loathing asking that cunt for anything) Ryota who doesn't give a fuck, will just ask/tell her. But of course he's not talking to her at the moment so he won't ask her...
This is where I feel way too much pressure for my liking. I feel that because I choose to work, I have all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I hate it. If it were my family, in my language, honestly it would be easier, but I just can't do it. I was so defeated last night I just couldn't stop myself from crying in frustration and guilt, that my little boy would be at kindy from 9-6, a long day for a 1 year old. And then I started thinking it's not worth it to work, that everyone would be happier (and much poorer) if I just stayed at home and looked after the kids. So tonight Ryota will pick up both boys, he may or may not make it for 6pm for Bailey but will definitely not make it for Ash. I feel sick just thinking about the whole situation.
All I know is I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and work it out. I just hope I don't damage my kids by leaving them at kindy for so long...