I often feel very lucky to live so close to Ryota's family, I'm very lucky that when Ashton is driving me nuts that he can go to their house for a bit ensuring I don't actually throw him out the window. They also help me in many other ways, but lately, today especially, I think it's best just to cut ourselves off, or even better, just move. Because the only thing worse than having no support, is having support there that are being cunts.
Well, it's not actually true, if it boils down to it I'm actually the cunt because I expect too much. I was brought up in a very hard-working house. My parents always worked hard, rewarded us if we worked hard and really believed in helping each other out if we were doing it tough. My Dad always said: "God helps those who help themselves" and by God, he meant the people around you, I think it's a pretty good philosophy too, try yourself and then you'll get the help you need, be a lazy fuck and nobody will help you and you'll end up with nothing.
So from yesterday Bailey started going to kindy, it was harder for me than I thought and I felt so guilty at my free time that I went into a cleaning frenzy. Feeling less guilty as I have 8 lessons and just an hour for lunch today, but it still breaks my heart that he's not with me anymore. He couldn't get into Ash's kindy, so the drop off and pick up is a pain in the arse, mornings not so bad, but afternoons are a fucking dilemma. My busiest time is from 4-8, it's just the reality of eikaiwa. When the kids are older it won't be so bad but at the moment it blows, it interrupts the dinner routine, pushes back the bath routine and is just exhausting. But all that can be dealt with, what cannot be dealt with, is the actual pick up. When it was just Ash, Ryota would pick him up on the motorbike, not ideal, but it worked fine. Bailey can't go on the bike so it puts forward the problem that if Ryota goes home on the bike, gets the car and goes to get both boys, by the time he gets to both places, it will be after 6 and we'll have to pay extra for both kids.
Now if Ryota just picks up Ash on the bike, he gets there before 6 and it's all good. Bailey is the problem. I was hoping (stupidly) that the days I can't go, MIL or dog-fucker would go for me. But last night when I asked MIL, she was very... cold...? with her response and it was quite obvious that she did not want to pick him up. Fair enough, but hurtful all the same. She basically said in her mail: "I thought when Bailey started kindy you'd change your work schedule! Is it just tomorrow?! What about the time from pick-up to when Ryota gets home??" Now these are all valid questions, but she knows I can't just change a whole group of kids easily, it just won't happen, 5pm is one of the busiest slots and almost impossible to free up.
MIL works, so I can understand if she is busy, but dog-fucker has no job, so I should just ask her right? Well, I'm sorry, I can't. I've been shut down by her luke-warm responses too many times before that if she doesn't offer, I just can't beg her. Now usually when this problem crops up (me fucking loathing asking that cunt for anything) Ryota who doesn't give a fuck, will just ask/tell her. But of course he's not talking to her at the moment so he won't ask her...
This is where I feel way too much pressure for my liking. I feel that because I choose to work, I have all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I hate it. If it were my family, in my language, honestly it would be easier, but I just can't do it. I was so defeated last night I just couldn't stop myself from crying in frustration and guilt, that my little boy would be at kindy from 9-6, a long day for a 1 year old. And then I started thinking it's not worth it to work, that everyone would be happier (and much poorer) if I just stayed at home and looked after the kids. So tonight Ryota will pick up both boys, he may or may not make it for 6pm for Bailey but will definitely not make it for Ash. I feel sick just thinking about the whole situation.
All I know is I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and work it out. I just hope I don't damage my kids by leaving them at kindy for so long...
That sucks. Does the kindy charge megabucks if you pick the kids up after 6pm? I know they do here. Hope it works out for you.
ReplyDeleteYou know it's not that expensive, 500 yen. But still if I can not pay it I don't want to! If both kid stay at there respective kindies after 6 it's still only 100 yen more expensive than what I would have to pay dog-fucker!
DeleteI was always one of the first kids in kindergarten and one of the last to be picked up. Never thought it damaged me. The kids who would arrive later would always aks what we few early kids had done. The early kids would never spill the secrets, though. ^^ Tere were no real secrets anyway. Just the thrill of being with the teacher and not so many kids.
ReplyDeleteThank you, that makes me feel better about the whole situation. It literally makes me feel sick that they might be misreable there wondering where their mum is :(
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The boys will not be damaged by hanging out with other kids all day. They're having a wonderful time, I guarantee. In any case, if they spend too much time with the in-laws, they are more likely to develop the same ideas, and you'd be forced to take extreme measures to make them develop a work ethic. Hope it all works out. How much longer until Ryota starts talking to his sister again?
ReplyDeletehe said this morning if nobody made an effort to pick the boys up this afternoon that he would never speak to them again... He just went and got them... Who knows, if this all blows up it might be a good chance for us to make a move somewhere. Silver linings and all that! :D
DeleteThank you for your rational reassurance though, it makes me feel so much better about the whole thing!
Your not gonna "damage" your kids by taking them and letting them interact with their peers. C'mon !
ReplyDeleteYou need to decrease the amount that you expect from others as it seems like a source of un adjustable stress when it's actually the easiest to get a handle on. I'd plan a Summer event for your kids with potluck or something where your not actually doing too much more than using your mind and getting creative with your inconveniently placed free time on your schedule. Just cleaning shit is wasting your energy. Show everybody that you cannot only survive but you can THRIVE without them.The pride YOU get from seeing THEM realize that is worth more than money or time.
Stop crying and start trying....to stop depending on folks cuz they will always let you down.
Actually I don't think you expect too much from your in-laws. They are family, isn't family supposed to help each other out, especially if they have as much time on hand as dog-fucker? What is the problem with her? To lazy to leave the house for one pick-up?
ReplyDeleteBut she is as she is and I bet you will gain more satisfaction out of getting this done without her help than hoping for Ryota to speak to her again and then call her off. Don't feel bad for your children to be in kindy the whole day. I know, it is hard for you as a mother, but it is nothing bad about letting them be with other children the whole day. I bet they have a great time! My mother was working full-time too, when I was little, I would spend the whole day starting from 6 in the morning to 6 in the evening (Yeah, I know, German kindy times are a dream XD ) in kindy and never would say that it damaged me in any kind of way :D And I support what Sarahf said: it is probably much more damaging to leave them with the in-laws for too long ^^;
Wow, did you also have to get up at 5am? I think this helped me a lot when I had to get up to school later. I was so used to this. :-D
DeleteThe same here XD Actually when school started I had to get up at 7, so compared to getting up at 5 for kindy it was almost like sleeping in XD
Deleteah support. Expectations, especially of support, make me the most miserable here. Since i gave up on my expectations based on how things are in Britain i have been happier and slightly more bitter.
ReplyDeleteSome grandparents build their day around their cute grandchildren, we see them at daycare, some don't. In the long run paying a reliable person outside of the family or leaving you little one at daycare a bit longer might be the best and most reliable option for now.
Stay at home mums and working mums share the same opinion that it is spending quality time together that is important not just the amount of time spend with kids.
You are great and doing a great job. I hope you can work it out.
A wise man once said, "expectation is the mother of disappointment". There is no winning. If someone does what you expect, you feel no satisfaction because it was expected. If they don't do it, you feel slighted and ignored.
ReplyDeleteSo don't play.
The best relationships are ones that are optional. IF your MIL wants to see her grandsons, great, she can call you and arrange a time, IF you are free. If not, she doesn't see them. You need to take control of your relationships.
Also, don'T worry about the boys. They are probably happy as pigs in sh!t about being at kindy. Trust me, boys don't really miss their mommies as much as mommies want to believe.
Time to start cutting the ties, and you can have a happier and more equal relationship with the in-laws. As soon as you are dependent, they have power over you and that will cause stress.
What is the point of owning your own business if you are not running it in a way that suits you? If you want to pick the kids up, have dinner as a family and so on, then do it.
ReplyDeleteI think you're taking out your frustration on your in-laws. It's your 'problem' not theirs. Make the decision for you and your family and then live with it. Without the drama, blame, claims of cuntiness and Ryota reverting to acting like a child in your defense.
There your kids; pick them up. Because someone doesn't work, it doesn't necessarily follow that they are eager, willing, available or interested in attending to your needs and by extension your kids needs. Your expectations of your husband's family seem too high. It would be nice if they were more forthcoming with helping, but they're not. If you have to pay the 500 yen, then just pay it...or change your hours. The kids will be fine, no matter which option you choose. It's your and Ryota's job to take care of your own kids.
ReplyDeleteYou're totally right. I guess we just have to base our expectations on our own upbringing/what we would do in the situation. I should probably point out that I often help ryota's family too, loaning them the car/taking grandma to hospital/ buying lunch or dinner etc. but for me that goes without saying because it's family.
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