I feel like life in general always comes in waves. Good waves, bad waves, scary choppy waves, and those big fuckers that pull you all the way up and then dump you under leaving you spluttering and picking sand out of your minge for the next 3 days. I like the waves. As I've mentioned before, I like that life isn't boring, that things go up and down. Maybe that's why I stay with Ryota, I know I'd be totally fucking bored with a nice simple lad??
Anyway, as I get older, I can actually feel the way the waves are going. It's not like when I was younger and I didn't think about the way life was, how it was at the time, and where it was going.
At the moment I feel like life is on a generally good wave. Life is alright. Bailey is finally growing up out of the baby stage, Ash has practically left home (he sleeps at Grandma's house the little bastard!!), work is good, and Ryota and I survived 2 weeks together so I feel if we survived that we can survive pretty much anything.
This wasn't the case up until a little while ago, I felt very unsure about the school, I think I always get that way in April, people quit and you feel betrayed in some way, and then all these new people sign up come May and you feel like a twat for getting your knickers in a twist.
So that's why I haven't been blogging that much, life is comfortable enough that I really don't have that much to bitch about. yes my arse is about 4 times bigger than I'd like it and Yes Ryota can be a royal fuckwit at times, but apart from that. Life is good... Sorry!
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Happy New Year!
It's the new school year in Japan and it always makes me feel like some kind of second new year celebration. Ash has new teachers and went up a kindy grade and Ryota's job changed bosses for the new year. It also means that Ryota has 2 (UNPAID!!!) weeks off work while things change over. This is the worst part of his job by far, not only do we almost kill each other at home every April, but we lose money while we're doing it because he doesn't get paid and we end up spending more money because he's at home and we go places for lunch etc. On the bright side, it means I don't have to pay SIL to watch Bailey, although I think paying her might be better than hearing Ryota bitch and moan about how tough it is to watch him for 3 hours at a time. Welcome to my world bitch!
I feel kinda guilty but I honestly can't wait to get Bailey into kindy, it will be from June whether it's Ash's kindy or not. I love him to bits but I find myself rushing and not being able to plan lessons properly or get any time to myself and it's driving me kind of insane. I'm such an 'all or nothing' type so I'd rather quit working and be a full-time SAHM or get him into kindy and concentrate on working, so sick of the balancing act!
Ryota and I are still trying the 70% theory but he said to me yesterday, "You're pissing me off below the 70% mark!!!" So the cracks are appearing! But all in all we're fighting much less than before, fingers crossed it stays that way.
We were talking yesterday about getting Bailey into kindy and Ryota asked SIL what she was going to do after he went and she said: "I want mum to open up a bar or something so I can work in it..." To which I snorted, which was probably the start of World war 3 because she gave me a filthy look and ignored it but definitely will remember it. I was just like, 'Jesus, you need to go out and meet some other people!!!' in my head but I don't want the headache of a SIL battle at the moment, it just isn't worth it. I want to give her meaningful advice but I don't think I can without totally pissing her off.
What else what else... We had the Easter party at the school, it was fun... Life is pretty boring...
My bitterness is still there, like a nagging toothache, dull and unrelenting I can't quite shake the feeling of dissatisfaction.
I feel kinda guilty but I honestly can't wait to get Bailey into kindy, it will be from June whether it's Ash's kindy or not. I love him to bits but I find myself rushing and not being able to plan lessons properly or get any time to myself and it's driving me kind of insane. I'm such an 'all or nothing' type so I'd rather quit working and be a full-time SAHM or get him into kindy and concentrate on working, so sick of the balancing act!
Ryota and I are still trying the 70% theory but he said to me yesterday, "You're pissing me off below the 70% mark!!!" So the cracks are appearing! But all in all we're fighting much less than before, fingers crossed it stays that way.
We were talking yesterday about getting Bailey into kindy and Ryota asked SIL what she was going to do after he went and she said: "I want mum to open up a bar or something so I can work in it..." To which I snorted, which was probably the start of World war 3 because she gave me a filthy look and ignored it but definitely will remember it. I was just like, 'Jesus, you need to go out and meet some other people!!!' in my head but I don't want the headache of a SIL battle at the moment, it just isn't worth it. I want to give her meaningful advice but I don't think I can without totally pissing her off.
What else what else... We had the Easter party at the school, it was fun... Life is pretty boring...
My bitterness is still there, like a nagging toothache, dull and unrelenting I can't quite shake the feeling of dissatisfaction.
Friday, 29 March 2013
Bitter
I have a mouth full of bitter bile. Not literally of course, but there is something building in me and making me rethink a lot of things in my life. Saying that, my thoughts are like a jigsaw puzzle my 4 year old has given up on and has scattered from arsehole to breakfast-time and I can't blog it yet, I really want to but I'm not quite ready to put my soul on the line of the Internet yet, I'll be ready soon I promise.
I think if I had some kind of bitch-o-meter on here, that my biggest percentage of bitches would be about Ryota. It's quite natural I'm sure, since it's not P.C. to bitch about your children properly, he is the one I spend the majority of my time with and therefore most likely to bear the brunt of my bitchiness, but I can safely say, for now, we are actually in a good place. Sorry, I know the stories of his arseholey behaviour are a great read, but to be honest, the things on my mind actually have nothing to do with him. For once... I'm sure it will change at some point but we've been working really well together lately.
Prime example, we lost our camera when we went to Disneyland (Disneyland is a whole fucking blog post too!) recently and I was bracing myself for Ryota to go off his nut at me because I/we left it on a bus. It was out good canon camera with a zillion photos on it too and I was heartbroken that it might be lost. I went into a huge downer about it, if we had lost it my trip was going to be ruined and I also thought we were going to have a massive argument about it but he was like, "Well, if we get it back, we'll be really happy. If not, can't be helped, and it means you can get the Nikon that you wanted!" Where the fuck did old Ryota go?! Whatever I liked the new attitude, it perked me up and I apologised for not taking more care to check the bus for our shit. We got it back thank god, but it shows that we can actually interact as normal loving humans! Score!
And we actually had no fights during the Disney trip, despite it being one of the most irritating places on Earth!
It may be his new 70% philosophy, he read a book that said you shouldn't live life at 100% all the time because you'll never have anywhere to go but down and always be disappointed. And when I think about it, it's kind of a good plan! From now we shall be the 70% super couple. Just wait, now I've blogged about it we'll probably have a massive fight tonight!
Right, must go work. I'm hoping my next post will be a bile purging one.
I think if I had some kind of bitch-o-meter on here, that my biggest percentage of bitches would be about Ryota. It's quite natural I'm sure, since it's not P.C. to bitch about your children properly, he is the one I spend the majority of my time with and therefore most likely to bear the brunt of my bitchiness, but I can safely say, for now, we are actually in a good place. Sorry, I know the stories of his arseholey behaviour are a great read, but to be honest, the things on my mind actually have nothing to do with him. For once... I'm sure it will change at some point but we've been working really well together lately.
Prime example, we lost our camera when we went to Disneyland (Disneyland is a whole fucking blog post too!) recently and I was bracing myself for Ryota to go off his nut at me because I/we left it on a bus. It was out good canon camera with a zillion photos on it too and I was heartbroken that it might be lost. I went into a huge downer about it, if we had lost it my trip was going to be ruined and I also thought we were going to have a massive argument about it but he was like, "Well, if we get it back, we'll be really happy. If not, can't be helped, and it means you can get the Nikon that you wanted!" Where the fuck did old Ryota go?! Whatever I liked the new attitude, it perked me up and I apologised for not taking more care to check the bus for our shit. We got it back thank god, but it shows that we can actually interact as normal loving humans! Score!
And we actually had no fights during the Disney trip, despite it being one of the most irritating places on Earth!
It may be his new 70% philosophy, he read a book that said you shouldn't live life at 100% all the time because you'll never have anywhere to go but down and always be disappointed. And when I think about it, it's kind of a good plan! From now we shall be the 70% super couple. Just wait, now I've blogged about it we'll probably have a massive fight tonight!
Right, must go work. I'm hoping my next post will be a bile purging one.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
You were all right!
As usual, all the people who comment on my blog were right and I should never have wished for life to get any more exciting. Boring is good, a lesson I should have learnt by now, I'm 30 this year!
So after getting restless in my own skin of course something happens to shake it up, and not in a good way.
So yesterday I got a text from my sister that said:
"Hey sis, don't know if you know or not bu Dad hasn't been well, skype??"
And as soon as I read it of course all the worst things went through my head, well, actually only one thing went through my head:
CANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCER.
Because that's what you automatically think right.
So after skyping with my sis and calling my Dad, I discovered that he's been having numbness in his legs since December but it's gotten much worse in the last month. Fucking December!!! When I was there!! When I was getting annoyed with him because he wasn't taking Ashton anywhere and seemed to be bothered by having my kids there. Fuck, talk about guilt trip.
So it's not cancer (that we know of yet) but that kind of scares me even more because it may be brain related and brain stuff is so unknown and shrouded in mystery. I feel helpless but I'm glad my sister finally told me after my parents not telling me because I'll worry. I want to worry rather than not.
I hope he's OK. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not.
Lost.
So after getting restless in my own skin of course something happens to shake it up, and not in a good way.
So yesterday I got a text from my sister that said:
"Hey sis, don't know if you know or not bu Dad hasn't been well, skype??"
And as soon as I read it of course all the worst things went through my head, well, actually only one thing went through my head:
CANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCER.
Because that's what you automatically think right.
So after skyping with my sis and calling my Dad, I discovered that he's been having numbness in his legs since December but it's gotten much worse in the last month. Fucking December!!! When I was there!! When I was getting annoyed with him because he wasn't taking Ashton anywhere and seemed to be bothered by having my kids there. Fuck, talk about guilt trip.
So it's not cancer (that we know of yet) but that kind of scares me even more because it may be brain related and brain stuff is so unknown and shrouded in mystery. I feel helpless but I'm glad my sister finally told me after my parents not telling me because I'll worry. I want to worry rather than not.
I hope he's OK. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not.
Lost.
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Dumbing up business
I never dreamt I would start a business in Japan. Or actually anywhere for that matter! I always thought that people who started their own businesses were so motivated, so street-smart, so up for anything. So not me.
I like the worker-bee mentality in Japan, although I would definitely strive to be one of the slightly senior bees, I was quite happy to work for the man, punch in and out, get paid and live happily ever-after until I was 60.
Of course then I became a housewife and spent the most boring, unfulfilled year of my life stewing in my own unfulfilled, bitter juice. The thought that I could be a housewife/stay at home mother for any longer actually made me really anxious. So I was faced with the dilemma, go back to worker-bee mode but juggle kids and a house with it (much harder), or to start something of my own, on my terms. And thank God I did. Starting my own business has been one of the best experiences of my life. I can take pride in something I built, that I am almost solely responsible for, and something that even if it fails, means I had a good hard crack at least!
Now I've never started a business anywhere else, and I imagine some aspects are international, but doing business in Japan has really been a cultural eye-opener. And by eye-opener, I mean like when they do lasik surgery and clamp your eyes open and shoot lasers in there kinda eye-opening! There were so many aspects that side-swiped me, no matter how many business books I read or how much I planned, I just had to learn about it by doing it and making mistakes.
I got lots of advice when I started: "Work hard!" "Do your best!" "Speak Japanese!" "Don't speak Japanese!" and loads more that I just let wash over me because I was actually so clueless that my brain didn't know which compartment to file all the advice and just kind of blocked it out. But there was one piece of advice I got from a (Japanese) friend of mine who also ran her own business, and it was:
"Don't try to be too Japanese, you'll have a much better business if you act like a 'dumb' foreigner."
Now I had no idea what she meant at the time, and she said it in a really nice way so it wasn't at all offensive to me, and I've realised, after 3 years that this was possibly the best advice I got.
But now it brings the question of, why??
And all I have to do is turn the TV on to get my answer. The foreigners on Japanese TV aren't the ones fluent in Japanese language and culture, they're the 'stupid' ones who make mistakes and cultural blunders all over the place. Bobby, Laura, the girl on the washing powder advertisement, the guy in the McDonald's commercial a few years ago, they all have a 'dumb foreigner' character that they play, and play very well. But what is that doing for the vast majority of us who CAN speak Japanese, who CAN be culturally sensitive?
Not that I really care that much, I may get on my moral high horse but really I just want to run a successful business, so I find myself stressing less about my perfect telephone manner, about the whole other 'polite language' that is so crucial when speaking to a customer, and hey if making exclamations of amazement when being told that Japan has 4 seasons and the best rice means good business, then I can handle that!
I think the fact that dumbing myself down is a good business practice should somewhat annoy me more than it does, but at the end of the day I don't think I can change Japan, I can change my own life to make a success for my family, and that is the only thing that matters to me. Selfish? Yes. Can it be helped? No.
So I will continue to make mistakes, because it can only be good for me! (and it takes all that pressure off too!)
I like the worker-bee mentality in Japan, although I would definitely strive to be one of the slightly senior bees, I was quite happy to work for the man, punch in and out, get paid and live happily ever-after until I was 60.
Of course then I became a housewife and spent the most boring, unfulfilled year of my life stewing in my own unfulfilled, bitter juice. The thought that I could be a housewife/stay at home mother for any longer actually made me really anxious. So I was faced with the dilemma, go back to worker-bee mode but juggle kids and a house with it (much harder), or to start something of my own, on my terms. And thank God I did. Starting my own business has been one of the best experiences of my life. I can take pride in something I built, that I am almost solely responsible for, and something that even if it fails, means I had a good hard crack at least!
Now I've never started a business anywhere else, and I imagine some aspects are international, but doing business in Japan has really been a cultural eye-opener. And by eye-opener, I mean like when they do lasik surgery and clamp your eyes open and shoot lasers in there kinda eye-opening! There were so many aspects that side-swiped me, no matter how many business books I read or how much I planned, I just had to learn about it by doing it and making mistakes.
I got lots of advice when I started: "Work hard!" "Do your best!" "Speak Japanese!" "Don't speak Japanese!" and loads more that I just let wash over me because I was actually so clueless that my brain didn't know which compartment to file all the advice and just kind of blocked it out. But there was one piece of advice I got from a (Japanese) friend of mine who also ran her own business, and it was:
"Don't try to be too Japanese, you'll have a much better business if you act like a 'dumb' foreigner."
Now I had no idea what she meant at the time, and she said it in a really nice way so it wasn't at all offensive to me, and I've realised, after 3 years that this was possibly the best advice I got.
But now it brings the question of, why??
And all I have to do is turn the TV on to get my answer. The foreigners on Japanese TV aren't the ones fluent in Japanese language and culture, they're the 'stupid' ones who make mistakes and cultural blunders all over the place. Bobby, Laura, the girl on the washing powder advertisement, the guy in the McDonald's commercial a few years ago, they all have a 'dumb foreigner' character that they play, and play very well. But what is that doing for the vast majority of us who CAN speak Japanese, who CAN be culturally sensitive?
Not that I really care that much, I may get on my moral high horse but really I just want to run a successful business, so I find myself stressing less about my perfect telephone manner, about the whole other 'polite language' that is so crucial when speaking to a customer, and hey if making exclamations of amazement when being told that Japan has 4 seasons and the best rice means good business, then I can handle that!
I think the fact that dumbing myself down is a good business practice should somewhat annoy me more than it does, but at the end of the day I don't think I can change Japan, I can change my own life to make a success for my family, and that is the only thing that matters to me. Selfish? Yes. Can it be helped? No.
So I will continue to make mistakes, because it can only be good for me! (and it takes all that pressure off too!)
Friday, 22 February 2013
Tedium
Do you ever go through those periods in your life where you're just willing for something exciting to happen?? It's kind of ridiculous but that's how I feel now, like I want a big event (good or bad, preferably good) to shake things up. I shouldn't feel like this, my life is actually pretty exciting in comparison to others: I live in Japan, the capital of weird shit, I have kids who are constantly surprising me, a troop of in-laws to keep me entertained, a fuckwit husband who annoys me on a daily basis, and my own business, which is always exciting in itself. But I don't know, I just can't shake the feeling of... boredom...? I don't even know what it is! I've been having lots of 'weird' feelings lately, like something morbid is going to happen but I can't quite put my finger on what it is... Bizarre.
I've also been looking for motivation to lose all this fucking baby weight I have (OK mostly I'm a fat-lazy-fucking cow weight rather than "baby" weight, but what are kids for if you can't blame them for the bad things in your life?!) and I'm such a bad person, I thought to myself the other day, 'Hmmm I need motivation to lose weight...'.... and then I thought, 'I know!!! I'll lose weight so I can have a steamy affair with a really hot guy!!' And I was actually serious! Again, bad person, but surely admitting it counts for something.
What else....? I've booked a trip for us to go to Tokyo/Disneyland next month, I've decided that there's no point having all this money if we can't enjoy it, we could save it for retirement but we may very well be dead by that time, I'd rather live well while I can than have a shitload of money while I'm bed-ridden... Again, so demonstrative of my mood lately- just kind of not giving a fuck! Maybe I'm depressed?? Although I'm generally happy most of the time, just...restless... Much like this post. Or it could be the sleep-deprivation. Fucking sleep is so underrated, I would kill for a full night's sleep, I may just kill one of the little boys who wakes me up hourly or more likely the big boy who sleeps so soundly while I wake up and want to tear my eyeballs out from sheer crazy tiredness.
Or it could be the fantasies I've been having lately about going back to Australia for a year so Ash can go to primary school there for a year before he starts Japanese primary school. I would LOVE to do that but it would mean giving up the school and I just don't think I can do it. We were talking about how Ash's English is so shit the other night and Ryota was like, "Well, maybe you should just teach in the mornings and then you can look after the kids at night..." Like that is the solution to all our problems. It pisses me off that despite my job bringing in way more money than his, that I should be the one to give it up, well I can understand it from an English-speaking point but fuck, this is my work I don't just want to give up what I've built! So I said that if I did that I'd rather just go the whole hog and give it up completely, go to Australia for a year and then be a good little housewife when we came back. NEVER going to happen, but it's always nice to think about different ways our life could go I guess.
Anyway, I have to wonder if I have some kind of psychic tendencies and this is a curse that something bad is going to happen to me, if it is at least I blogged it so I have proof!
I've also been looking for motivation to lose all this fucking baby weight I have (OK mostly I'm a fat-lazy-fucking cow weight rather than "baby" weight, but what are kids for if you can't blame them for the bad things in your life?!) and I'm such a bad person, I thought to myself the other day, 'Hmmm I need motivation to lose weight...'.... and then I thought, 'I know!!! I'll lose weight so I can have a steamy affair with a really hot guy!!' And I was actually serious! Again, bad person, but surely admitting it counts for something.
What else....? I've booked a trip for us to go to Tokyo/Disneyland next month, I've decided that there's no point having all this money if we can't enjoy it, we could save it for retirement but we may very well be dead by that time, I'd rather live well while I can than have a shitload of money while I'm bed-ridden... Again, so demonstrative of my mood lately- just kind of not giving a fuck! Maybe I'm depressed?? Although I'm generally happy most of the time, just...restless... Much like this post. Or it could be the sleep-deprivation. Fucking sleep is so underrated, I would kill for a full night's sleep, I may just kill one of the little boys who wakes me up hourly or more likely the big boy who sleeps so soundly while I wake up and want to tear my eyeballs out from sheer crazy tiredness.
Or it could be the fantasies I've been having lately about going back to Australia for a year so Ash can go to primary school there for a year before he starts Japanese primary school. I would LOVE to do that but it would mean giving up the school and I just don't think I can do it. We were talking about how Ash's English is so shit the other night and Ryota was like, "Well, maybe you should just teach in the mornings and then you can look after the kids at night..." Like that is the solution to all our problems. It pisses me off that despite my job bringing in way more money than his, that I should be the one to give it up, well I can understand it from an English-speaking point but fuck, this is my work I don't just want to give up what I've built! So I said that if I did that I'd rather just go the whole hog and give it up completely, go to Australia for a year and then be a good little housewife when we came back. NEVER going to happen, but it's always nice to think about different ways our life could go I guess.
Anyway, I have to wonder if I have some kind of psychic tendencies and this is a curse that something bad is going to happen to me, if it is at least I blogged it so I have proof!
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Hate
Hate is a tricky word to use, I teach kids to use the word talking about fucking capsicum or mushrooms, but when you actually have to use it with all it's power, it gets hard. There are things that you can say and never take back.
I know I've said them, witnessed people say them, and had them say them to me. You forgive them but it's like your brain has a cheapo eraser, you can never quite get the faint pencil lines of what was said to disappear. If I had to pick my top few that have stuck in my mind, it would be my Dad screaming at my mum, calling her a cunt (among every other name) and then telling her not use me as her "fucking little lackey" after she told him to lower his voice because I could hear. I didn't really know what it meant at the time, but it stung, and I'll never forget it.
Another is Ryota when he said to me: "You're a bad mother" Doesn't pack quite the same punch as "cunt" but to a mother who actually gives a fuck, it really is the worst insult. I'll NEVER ever forget him saying that, and probably never forgive him totally either.
And finally there would be Ryota's sister, I can't actually remember her exact words but when she started going off at me because she said I 'mouth-off' too much, (about Kimutaku remember!) that event will also never be totally gone either. No matter how close we get, I'll always be wary.
And I realised I'll never totally trust any of these people, who will have totally forgotten what they said, and will probably never know the effect they've had. It was also then that I realised these 3 very different people in my life have something in common, they are all quite difficult to hate.
On separate occasions I've hated all of them, but then they do something redeeming, sweet, thoughtful... And it's like the hate game goes into over-time and I'm not done with them, i can't totally obliterate them from my life. Maybe I'm attracted to these types?? Daddy issues?? Who fucking knows, just something to ponder I guess.
Classic example was last night, after the last post, the money thing with SIL was still bugging me and I was on the edge of enrolling Bailey in kindy starting from this April, when last night SIL saw how tired I was and that Bailey wasn't sleeping for me, and she offered to take him and play with him until he fell asleep so I could get some rest. What the fuck?! Maybe she felt guilty about the money too??? For a sleep deprived mother whose husband has a broken finger (another story...) and can't help you, this is literally the best thing that anyone could do. And I realised if she would do things like that for me then I'm a cunt for caring about a few extra thousand yen!
Is it just me who has these kinds of people around them, so God damn hard to hate, it makes me hate them even more!!
I know I've said them, witnessed people say them, and had them say them to me. You forgive them but it's like your brain has a cheapo eraser, you can never quite get the faint pencil lines of what was said to disappear. If I had to pick my top few that have stuck in my mind, it would be my Dad screaming at my mum, calling her a cunt (among every other name) and then telling her not use me as her "fucking little lackey" after she told him to lower his voice because I could hear. I didn't really know what it meant at the time, but it stung, and I'll never forget it.
Another is Ryota when he said to me: "You're a bad mother" Doesn't pack quite the same punch as "cunt" but to a mother who actually gives a fuck, it really is the worst insult. I'll NEVER ever forget him saying that, and probably never forgive him totally either.
And finally there would be Ryota's sister, I can't actually remember her exact words but when she started going off at me because she said I 'mouth-off' too much, (about Kimutaku remember!) that event will also never be totally gone either. No matter how close we get, I'll always be wary.
And I realised I'll never totally trust any of these people, who will have totally forgotten what they said, and will probably never know the effect they've had. It was also then that I realised these 3 very different people in my life have something in common, they are all quite difficult to hate.
On separate occasions I've hated all of them, but then they do something redeeming, sweet, thoughtful... And it's like the hate game goes into over-time and I'm not done with them, i can't totally obliterate them from my life. Maybe I'm attracted to these types?? Daddy issues?? Who fucking knows, just something to ponder I guess.
Classic example was last night, after the last post, the money thing with SIL was still bugging me and I was on the edge of enrolling Bailey in kindy starting from this April, when last night SIL saw how tired I was and that Bailey wasn't sleeping for me, and she offered to take him and play with him until he fell asleep so I could get some rest. What the fuck?! Maybe she felt guilty about the money too??? For a sleep deprived mother whose husband has a broken finger (another story...) and can't help you, this is literally the best thing that anyone could do. And I realised if she would do things like that for me then I'm a cunt for caring about a few extra thousand yen!
Is it just me who has these kinds of people around them, so God damn hard to hate, it makes me hate them even more!!
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