Saturday, 30 April 2011

Antsy

I've heard before that women reach their sexual peak way later than men, like around 30 for women and 20 for men?? No? Am I just pulling those statistics out of my arse?? But whatever, I know it's definitely later for women anyway.

I knew things were getting desperate the other night when I had a graphically enjoyable sex dream. This would be great news, but you know who was my hot, steamy partner in this terribly horny dream??

Go on, guess!

Matsumoto Jun?? No. Cristiano Ronaldo?? No, I fucking wish. Won Bin?? No.

These lads would all have been welcomed in to my sex dream with open arms and wild sexual panting. But you know who floated my boat this particular night?

Steve. From Beverly Hills 90210... In the early years!

He annoys me even when he's not making wild passionate love to me! But I enjoyed it so much I felt kind of dirty when I woke up.
So you know, I figured I obviously needed to get some, if only to stop these horrible sex dreams involving bad 90's soap stars. Although, wouldn't kick Luke Perry out of bed, something about the bad boy image and husky voice... Anyway! This is the conversation that Ryota and I had after I woke up...

Me (AKA horny housewife): Morning! Oh my god I had the best sex dream last night!

Him: Really? Was I in it?

Me: Oh god no, you're never in them! (and a slight bow in apology)

Him: .............. (and a slight scowl in response to the apology bow)

Me: It was Steve from Beverly Hills 90210, so gross and random! It shows how desperate I am for a shag, think you can go the distance and actually stay awake tonight so we can get a shag in??

Him: Hmmmm 頑張る (I'll try...)

What the hell man!? If it's that much fucking effort maybe I should go find someone who is a little more ready and willing and doesn't have to try so much if it's really that hard (or not hard as the case may be!) He then tried to splutter and stammer his way out of it by saying what he meant was that he would 'ganbaru' to get to bed early, not to work up the will to get a leg over. But it was too late, damage was done and I was already ranting away and it wasn't even 8am. He then pondered over his honey on toast and said, "I know, I'll get you a vibrator for Mother's day!" To which I ranted again that I didn't want a fucking vibrator, I wanted a husband who's cock was as genki as I'd like and instantly started giggling because I actually used that phrasing and imagined a little cock with a smiley face on it...

Thank fuck our neighbours can't understand half our conversations.

15 comments:

  1. There is really no excuse for a sex dream featuring Steve. Eeee. Your husband better get his grinning penis in the mood or else you will be plagued with endless nights of Steve.

    The comment of the mothers day vibrator made me laugh. Men are all the same

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  2. Danielle- Oh my god, I'm so stealing "grinning penis"!!

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  3. Pretty much any other member of 90210 would have been acceptable, even Jim, but Steve? You definitely need a grinning penis.

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  4. Steve?! Well, that would basically equate to me having a sex dream (and enjoying it) with Andrea (shudders at the thought)? Hope Ryota can find it in his busy schedule to deal out some grins before you go even lower (not sure what that would be in 90210 though? That Diner owner?)

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  5. Oh god, smiley penis! That had me chuckling like ..the immature person that i am. Just reminded me of high school because when my friends and i would doodle on our notes or whatever it'd usually include a smiling genki penis.
    And actually, in Seattle one of my coworkers said he walked past this graffiti on the wall near his place of a smiling penis and next to it was written "Spring Break 2009".
    Smiling penises (peni?) are awesome.

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  6. "Him: Really? Was I in it?

    Me: Oh god no, you're never in them! (and a slight bow in apology)"

    Oh man...you should have your own sitcom! I'd tune in every episode :)

    I think sexual peak is an estimate. I was fucking up a storm at 20 but started hitting a stride 3 years ago. Get yourself a secret lover b4 you ever resign yourself to a vibrating piece of plastic that can't lick your clit and gently pinch your nipples at the same time.

    It just ain't the same and when your 60ish you'll need the plastic so get the lover if the man is neglecting his duties.


    " and instantly started giggling because I actually used that phrasing and imagined a little cock with a smiley face on it..."

    I sometimes work myself up only to amuse myself with comedy that apparently only I get...like an inside joke with myself which must look odd to the observer.


    I hope your man is treating you cheap and calling you filthy names right now....in bed of course ;)

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  7. Statistics? I here there's a kind of bead which makes the pulling process much more enjoyable.

    Well, I'm not quite twice the age you quote for men, and even after getting back last night jetlagged to the gills from a trip involving multiple airports, timezones and climate changes, managed to give her a reasonably good seeing-to before passing out into a well-deserved coma. (Maybe if I was still 20 I would have been able to make her pass out into a well-deserved coma too, who knows).

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  8. Haha these comments are fucking gold!!

    Sarahf~ I know right, Steve really is scraping the barrel plus Jim was always up for it, groping Cindy any chance he got!

    Mr salaryman~ hmmm Andrea was pretty bad but I think she would have been a fox in bed. I think the Steve equivalent is Donna! Uh oh I bet I'll have a threesome dream tonight with Steve, Donna and me! Noooo!

    Phx~ don't worry, smiley peni totally amuse me too! And I think I should put "spray paint a giant smiley cock" on my list of things to do before I die!

    Chris~ unfortunately no filthy name calling going on and I think you're right, he's leaving me no choice but to get a lover!
    I agree I think sexual peaks must go through different phases, I just wish his and mine would work with each other!

    Theoctopus~ You're the man! Come and give my lazy arsed husband some lessons will you!?

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  9. I think what he really wanted to say was "I'm not going seconds after Steve from 90210"!

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  10. Oh yeah, I have to ask! What language are you having sex in with your Ryota and vice versa?

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  11. Raw like Sushi has hit over 150 hits 3 days in a row 1,400 in 16 days and it will pick up thanks to everyone but mostly you since you were the first :)

    I will collect all the applications to be your filthy talking energy filled manwhore....then I 'll accidently put them in a pile and burn them and just submit mine :)

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  12. You mean I can't one day tell my wife that I'm getting her an appliance to pick up the slack the years of wear and tear have left behind? That she'll tell me it's either the au naturale way or the highway? Damn that sucks. I ain't never getting married! Nice Piece! LOL

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  13. Kathryn~ That's a very good point, but surely an oppourtunity for him to up his game?!

    Mr Salaryman~ We always have sex with me speaking Japanese and him a strange mix of both. I feel more comfortable talking dirty in another language, it's like I'm acting!

    Chris~ It's only going to get better, can't wait for more awesome blogs to be discovered, I'm so enjoying reading all of them. Nice job!

    And don't worry, I don't think you'll have much competition for my manwhore position! :D

    locohama~ I know, shocking as it is, women want men over appliances. Wait... do I?? Appliances don't talk back... and fart in bed... and can have their batteries changed when they get lazy and unresponsive... on second thoughts, maybe the appliance will do!

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  14. Received a buncha manwhore applications but was suddenly jumped by some Yakz while helping an old lady deliver free braile books to some blind kids...sorry but the Yakz stole em'......no idea what was goin on there?? Anyway...still got mine :)

    Please consider as my qualifications are outstanding......please note the braile book old lady event too....kinda symbolic of my character and I did rough up a couple Yakz while trying to protect the books and the old woman...all O.K. BTW ;)

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  15. The idea that women reach their peak at 30 and men at 20 (actually you usually hear 18) is based on old and flawed research. In the olden days women, for a variety of reasons, weren't able to explore their sexuality until after marriage and children. Nowadays we start much earlier, so likely our peak (if there is such a thing) comes earlier too. But don't worry, if you're still having sex dreams at all then you're fine.

    Oh, and Steve is not that bad. The most embarrassing sex dream partner I've had? Fat Albert.

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