Wednesday 4 May 2011

Wanking on my door

I'm making this title very easy to find, because I know I've written this story here before but I can't find it anywhere. OK, that implies I've tried really hard to find it which I totally haven't, but it's a cracker of a story so I don't really mind re-writing it!

It was a warm summer night, I remember this because I had a sweaty forehead and a headache. I'd just been to a local izakaya for a few beers with my best mate. We were off to Thailand together the next week and had been planning where to stay and what to do over after-work beers. He lived just around the corner from me, but it's Japan, there was never a need to be a gentleman and walk me home so we always went our separate ways at the conbini that divided the streets our flats were on. I wasn't drunk, but had had enough to know I'd have a shower and collapse in to bed straight away. It must have been about 11pm, late enough for pissed people to say random things to me anyway.

It wasn't unusual for a drunk salary man to be chatty after he stumbled out of one of the snack bars, I'd usually laugh and say goodnight if I was in a good mood or scowl and keep walking if I wasn't. This night was no exception, and as I got to my flat entrance that happened to also share the entrance to a particularly noisy and seedy snack bar, a 40-something year old guy stumbled out on his phone. (Probably his wife asking where the fuck he was) As I trudged up the first flight of stairs (I lived on the 3rd floor) the guy smacked his phone back together urgently and cried out "ohhhh, ohh, Onesan!!" He actually had the tone of urgency in his voice to the point I thought I might have dropped something so I turned around and raised my eyebrows in a dubious question of "What?" He was obviously quite drunk, he had the stroke victim-like arm movement going on but he wasn't that far pissed that he was stumbling or anything yet. He then said in Japanese, "I want to study English!
Can we just hold on a minute here, imagine if I was in Sydney and I went up to a random Asian person and told them I wanted to study Chinese?? They'd probably go off their nut at me before telling me they were of Korean descent in an Aussie accent, and rightly so, I really hate the random English study question. (well, less so now that I have an English school but you know what I mean!) For one, I may not speak English, I may be French or German or Italian or any other nationality for all the fuck these people know. I'm totally cool with people randomly talking to me, in English or Japanese, I'm friendly. But sometimes the cheeky or obnoxious requests really piss me off. This night was no exception, I was a bit tipsy, hot, still in my work suit and had spent the whole day fake smiling at people I couldn't tell to go fuck themselves for fear of being fired, I certainly wasn't going to put up with this fuck stick for long.

I turned around to keep going and muttered "well there are loads of us foreign folk around, I'm sure you'll find one to teach you!" I totally expected him to disappear back in to the smoky snack bar cave and get lost in his whisky but to my surprise I heard the scuffing of his feet as he advanced towards the stairs. Now, I was at no point scared, he was a weedy fucker as most salary types are and I could have taken him with a chubby shoulder barge, but still, a guy coming after you puts all your attack spidey senses in to over drive so I stopped and actually turned around. He then said again but more directly, "Can you teach me English!?" and I hadn't really noticed it but his hand was lingering around his crotch area and must have unzipped himself somewhere along the line. I said that I was going, it was late, goodnight... and then I saw it, dirty fucker was totally having a wank. Now, my next reaction... I often think what I could? should? have done... thrown something at him, kicked him in the nuts, lured him up the stairs then pushed the dirty fucker down them, sprayed perfume in his eyes... but what did I do...?

I giggled.

Like a small school girl, and much like I did a few years later when I would wank Mickey Mouse boy of my own free will. (ooooo ironic!) I always giggle when I'm nervous, no doubt encouraging wanky boy to really go at it. He totally had his cock out by this time and obviously sensed he didn't have much time because he was slapping the salami furiously while creeping further up the stairs. I'd started up the stairs ahead of him at a normal pace but now he was gaining on me I knew I had to piss bolt it up the stairs and in to my flat. I started taking two steps at a time more quickly (and still laughing) but he was also running while still pulling himself and saying "Wait...wait!! I'm almost done!!" Filthy fucker! It was at this point that things really started to go bad, I dropped my shoe. Now, a guy possibly wanting to sexual assault you and a shoe doesn't seem like a hard choice to make, but not only are shoes sacred to me in any country, in this country they are like fucking oil producing gold due to my feet refusing to squish in to dainty J-girl shoes. Plus they were my expensive work high-heels, and I wasn't going to leave one of them on a dingy staircase for a seedy perv to fill it will his jizz. So I went back for the shoe, which cost me precious seconds for him to come closer to blowing his load. I came to a dangerously scary eye-level to his wang as I rushed back down the few steps and bent down to slip my shoe back on. I may have stopped giggling by this point but was just saying "Stop it! stop it!" In Japanese and "Fuck off!!!" In English. He got an English lesson in fending off sexual predators I guess.

It felt like hours but it must have all happened in minutes, maybe the snack bar girls had been building him up, because it had only been a few minutes since he starting wanking to the time it took till I'd dashed to my flat door and swung it open. I'd lost the key ages ago and despite hoards of annoying fuckers telling me how dangerous it was to leave my flat unlocked all the time I sure was grateful I hadn't listened and could slam it shut and lean against it before the wanker came any closer. As I jammed the heavy door closed and flopped all my weight on it panting in fear and exhaustion he was right behind me. (if only I'd trapped his cock in the door!) The peep hole showed me his face at that funny angle, forehead big and chin tiny with a drunken zoned out look on his face as he came all over my door with a disgusting groan that I still clearly remember. He seemed to snap out of his daze pretty quickly as I said I was calling the police and he scuttled off. I was so relieved that he'd gone that I actually called my mate and told him what had happened rather than the police, and in typical male fashion, his response was: "Damn, no girl has ever come and wanked on my door, you're lucky!"
I promptly hung up and was fortunate to have a J-boy gaijin hunter who was nice enough to come and inspect my door the next morning and clean the present wanky man had left behind.

So there you have it, I'm sure not many people can say that someone left them a string of pearls on their front door, but it's such an awesome story to tell people whenever the topic turns to weird, kinky Japan.

Watch out ladies, wanky man may be lurking at a door near you!


  1. I think the secret is to point when you laugh!

    Btw if you put your blog address and a couple of works from the post into google, you should be able to find it. I do that often because I I remember nothing unless I blog it.

  2. Oh yeah......
    Groooooooaaan......mmmmm ;)

    I've been waiting 4 this. Your sexiness turns men into sociopathic perverts. You hussy!!! ;)

    noun (Old-fashioned) slut, tart (informal), strumpet, baggage (informal, old-fashioned), tramp (slang), jade, wanton, minx, wench (archaic), slapper (Brit. slang), scrubber (Brit. & Austral. slang), trollop, floozy (slang), quean (archaic) Are you going to sunbathe naked? You wanton hussy!

    ***I googled hussy after I typed it and there it they say trollop in Australia??***

    Girl (A): I once had a guy smell my bicycle seat after I parked it.

    Girl(B): I had a guy masturbate while stalking me....then he blasted a load of "Man Milk, Baby stew, Guy goo, prick puke, cock cream," all over my door.

    (Girl "A" slowly skulks away with her lame ass bicycle seat story dragging behind her)

    Great tale!! I got to write all kinds of names for cum in comment graffiti ...thanks :)

  3. Did he think letting you watch was pre-payment for English lessons? What a, erm, wanker. I'd have probably laughed too, I'm good at laughing at inappropriate moments.

  4. No no no...he wanted oral English lessons. Yes I had to say it!

  5. Finally! I've been waiting for this and how come crazy stuff like this never happened to me (...oh, wait a minute, I'm the Salaryman here who occasionaly gets way too drunk...)!