So an Aussie, a Scotsman and a pumpkin head walk in to a bar...

You know, I always say to myself “I got married too early… I wasted my time in Japan before I was married…” But thinking back, there was actually some fucking crazy shit I did, and not just a bit, like a LOT of stuff. I never thought of myself as that much of a, hmmm, what’s the best word for it…? Oh yeah, SLUT. But I really was a right little tart back in the day! So, without further ado, I give you the story of the Scottish tourist, who I didn’t actually fuck, so slut status stays intact, just a little tarnished perhaps…

It was a cold Saturday night and I’d gone out with a guy who I had a nice little arrangement with. We would both go to dinner where we would stuff ourselves with meat and beer and then on to the club together, drink ourselves stupid and then try and pick up someone for the night, if one of us picked up and the other didn’t there was no guilty bullshit, (one of the reasons I love going out with guy friends over girl friends) we bid each other goodbye and good luck and went home. We never slept with each other, that would have been weird, for a variety of reasons I won’t get in to here.

Anyway, it was the kind of cold where you just wanted to get out of the wind and drinking something that was going to warm you up, and sure enough, we went to the club early to avoid the crowds and secure a seat that we could keep for a while. We chatted and took turns dancing and flirting and ended up running in to his ex-girlfriend who tried to throw her drink at him because she thought he was with me. (How ironic!) She got kicked out of the club but my mate was obviously not feeling too crash hot so we decided the only way to get him back in to the drunken groove was to do three shots and go pick up. We did and we both ended up kissing people on the dance floor. He had a skanky little piss head wearing a skirt smaller than my hankie and I wasn’t quite sure who I’d scored, because a) I was beyond drunk, b) we were dancing with him behind me and c) There were so many people squished on that damn dance floor that I couldn’t see my feet let alone the dude that was groping me. I did discover however, that he was a fucking amazing kisser. I didn’t want to do anything else but kiss him. I honestly haven’t found Japanese guys to be that good with the old smooch, I can safely say that Ryota is crap, we haven’t kissed (properly) since we’ve been married! But this guy was awesome and I loved every minute of it.

We stayed kissing and dancing for a good 2 hours and before I knew it, the lights were on and mumbles of first train were going on. My mate waved bye with his almost unconscious girl on his arm and tossed me the key for our locker giving me a vague signal that I instinctively knew was ‘fuck my jacket, I just want to shag this bird before she passes out!’ As I too contemplated what was going to happen with my kissing God I stopped to properly look at him and was a little bit taken aback, because he seriously had a huge head. And I’m not exaggerating like when Japanese people claim certain people have big or small faces, I’m talkin’ his noggin was a fucking pumpkin! But still, as my dad used to say (and it grosses me out that he did!) “You don’t have to look at the mantelpiece while you’re poking the fire” His kissing genius made up for head size and I was ready to go. We walked hand in hand up the stairs and he was very quiet while checking his phone as we came upstairs to daylight and mobile phone reception. His hand went limp as his phone started beeping and vibrating incessantly and he went a shade whiter as he scrolled through text messages frantically. I knew then that he was either married/had a girlfriend, and he was in deep shit. He didn’t have to make any excuse, I made it easy for him as he called the lady who obviously wanted his balls on her wall, I slinked away, tired anyway I was actually looking forward to a nice hot shower and my bed.

I started stumbling to the nearest train station and passed the crowd that always lingers outside the club when I was approached by 3 drunk guys wanting to know where the next good place was. They were all Scottish and here on holiday with no idea where they were, where their hotel was or where they could go next. Actually, 2 of them just wanted to get back to the hotel, 1 of them wanted to keep partying. So I gave them directions to their hotel and told the party boy if he wanted I’d go to another club with him, the one that was open till 10am. He was keen and despite his mates telling him he was a fucking lunatic, he was up for it. We chatted on the way to the club and he told me his brief life story, but honestly, I wasn’t really listening, I couldn’t get past the sexiness of his accent, big head’s kiss was still in the back of my mind but the sexy accent had taken over. Scottish men, no matter how ugly, get me every time, I’m such a sucker for them!

We got to the club, paid our ridiculous entry fee and grabbed a drink, I switched to cassis berry drinks, breakfast should be fruits after all. He wanted to dance and I had just enough energy but I was a little disappointed that the music would drown out his accent. We danced for a while and I saw a Japanese gaijin hunter type eyeing him off. Not that he was mine or anything, but still, fucking bitch didn’t know that, yet she just starts hunting on him in bad “cute” English. I was tempted to start dancing with another guy but the guy was on holiday and between the music, her crap English and the fact that unlike those of us who live here he couldn’t interpret what she was saying at all. He gave me desperate looks that said “HELLLLPPPP!!!” so I joined the conversation much to gaijin hunter’s annoyance I’m sure. She gave up after it was clear she was just going to be talking to me but I have to admit, she was pretty hot and I’m sure he wanted to fuck her, communication barriers or not. So as we started dancing together, getting closer and closer, and he whispered (OK shouted) in my ear in that accent, I couldn’t resist, I had to kiss him, just to see. And it was… an amazing disappointment. I still yearned for pumpkin head and his magic mouth!
After I realized that if only this guy could kiss as good as pumpkin head I would have taken him home and made sweet Scottish dirty talk love to him all… err… day, I just couldn’t pretend anymore. So I told him he should go get the Japanese girl, I was going to go home. I think that’s what he really wanted anyway and what kind of cultural experience would the poor guy have if he came to Osaka and ended up shagging an Aussie club rat!? I gave him a few pointers on what to do with the J-girl making sure he knew not to give her any personal information, poor bloke would probably end up with crazy J-girl at his door if he wasn’t careful…

He thanked me, gave me a big Scottish hug and a wink, and I went home to that empty bed, but I was happy.