I think phone checking is quite common in Japan, my J-girlfriends all check their boyfriend's/husband's mobile phone regularly and demand to know what the fuck is going on if there are any hidden folders or locks. It's almost like neurotic, possessive behaviour is a sign of love and dedication here, rather than bat shit crazy, which is the first thing that comes to mind for me. I had a friend who got divorced from his J-wife, but 2 years later she would still make him bento every single day and leave it on his doorstep when he got a new girlfriend. I think that is just nuts, no!? My J-girlfriends felt sorry for the lady and said she must still really love him... Ummm ok.
Anyway, I've never been into phone checking for a few reasons; Number 1, it's an invasion of privacy. 2, it's a little bit fucking mental. 3, I'm not really the jealous type. And 4, Ryota is never out of my hair long enough to be physically possible for him to be cheating. He literally is home at 5:50pm on the dot every single night, rarely goes to nomikais and has very little social life apart from surfing where he comes home sun burnt and full of sand so I'm pretty sure that's where he actually goes. I remember one time he said he was going to the local hardware store and was gone 2 hours, when he got back I was all, "Sooooo hardware store eh, oh yeah!" as a joke, but he actually showed me the 400 different photos he had taken on his phone while browsing power tools so he could buy them cheaper on the internet... There's just no way he could be cheating, too much of a loser!
So all this said, not sure why I checked his phone... OK, I am sure, I'm a curious fucker. Not about cheating, but I think snooping is just in my nature. My Dad is a customs officer and I'm sure that's where I get it, but if there is something to be snooped, my nose will be in it, as long as I know I won't get caught in said snooping. Also, Ryota's been bitching to me about his co-workers on a regular basis but I had a sneaking suspicion he was all chummy with them by phone and mail and then just waits till he gets home to dump all his frustrations on me.
So when he went out running yesterday and left his phone sitting there I had a little peek and was shocked and amazed at what I found. No co-worker gossip, BUT I did find emails from his ex-girlfriend and I swear to fucking god they were EXACTLY the same as some of the mails that have been passed between me and my ex-boyfriend at drunken moments. Well, exactly same except they were in a different language of course... I had actually felt guilty about the odd drunk text to my ex, so knowing Ryota was dabbling in it himself was actually quite comforting!
Basically, there was one mail that she sent him that said something like:
"I'm sorry I'm really drunk and you shouldn't reply to me, but I was just thinking about how much I miss you and want to kiss you again. I know we're both married to different people but I can never forget you..."
Drunken and harmless, but I was almost squealing with excitement at this sudden scandal injected into my otherwise dull life! I was trying to guess his response before I scrolled down, because Ryota has trouble writing a fucking birthday card message let alone a response to some heavy shit like that. He was very gentlemanly and dignified though, his response was some thing like, "It's OK I'm drunk too... (HIGHLY unlikely I think he was just trying to make her feel better!) I often think about you too... It's hard to forget the past..."
His reply was so awkward and choppy, I almost wanted to re-write it and tell him what to say to the poor girl. Then there were a few the next day from her apologising and other random ones where he said he was thinking about something they did together or a funny memory. All pretty damn innocent, but in my world of work, sleep, eat, try-not-to-damage-child, this is juicy!
I'm hoping she'll get on the piss again and send another one, I'll have to do random phone checking more often!
So, do you phone check?? Ever found anything?? Would you use it against him/her if you did?? I'm so fucking hungry for gossip after this tiny taste!
lol, you read his messages like tabloids. :-DReplyDelete
I totally did! It shows how much I'm in desperate need of a good gossip magazine!Delete
I've never phone checked, but I totally would, although my Japanese is so shocking, I'd have to get someone to help... Glad it's cheering up your world of work, sleep, eat, try-not-to-damage-child, wish something as juicy would turn up here!ReplyDelete
It did add a bit of spice to the day. Not being able to read juicy messages is the most annoying thing ever, but I think you can pick up on certain words or the general tone, as soon as i saw キス I knew I was on to a winner!Delete
I did all the time after I found out about D cheating on me. Found various things during my pregnancy, and confronted him a couple of times. Each time he would swear it was the last time. After Joey was born I started to forward everything to myself as 'evidence'. Over two years I found alot of messages and there was one guy who he had definitely had a thing with who suddenly became his best friend and I would check his messages as I was sure they were up to something. (I later found out that they were just friends but D confessed to having feelings for him) I am glad I kept checking as when I asked for a divorce I had ALOT of proof that he couldn't argue with.ReplyDelete
I never check Mal's phone. There have been times when I was temped at the beginning but he never hides his phone and leaves it around which made me confident he had nothing to hide. I now completely trust him so don't even feel the urge to look at his phone anymore.
Ryota's the same, he never hides his phone, and if I confronted him about him he would think nothing of it and show me, which is why I'm not too worried!Delete
That must have been awful with D, so much deception.
Phone checking? Sounds like you're on a slippery slope with that one. Personally, I think that you would be advised to remember the reasons why you didn't do it in the past and also add trust to the list. Cause when you lose that, you really are screwed. If you feel guilty about something you've done, talk to him about it. He may then bring up the ex that he's been contacting too.ReplyDelete
And try to create some excitement cause phone checking isn't exciting; it's just sad.
As I mentioned, trust is like a sign you don't care in a relationship in Japan :)Delete
I get what you're saying though, I should refer back to my moral compass at times like these!
Deb, you're life must be way more exciting than mine, because it really was exciting for me! :D
I live in Japan and my husband is Japanese. I think you know you're talking shit. I mean we could all compare ourselves to the most insecure people we know in our own countries or here but why bother? I would not describe my life as exciting ... but I am content. :)Delete
Quite possible I'm talking shit. :) I think it's about perspective, I grew up with parents who stayed married but cheated and stayed together for reasons I'm still not really sure of. I don't feel stuck in my marriage, I'm just under no false delusions that it's going to last forever. I'll never cheat, but I'll think about it, it's in my nature and I firmly believe it's in all of our nature.Delete
Again, perspective changes things, just my opinion. If you're happy with your husband and know you or he will never cheat then I'm happy for you, just not my take on things. :)
Sorry, I sounded like a bitch there didn't I? Not my intention; promise! I just disagree with what you are saying about trust. Everyone's heard about the psychos that threaten to jump out of windows and so on but most couples are not that dramatic! I don't believe in soul mates either. If you find someone you click with and fall in love with them, then you're lucky. I also don't think that anyone can say for sure that their partner won't cheat or that they won't. You don't lose your eyesight or your ability to connect with others just because you're married. But I am also pretty sure that checking a partner's phone is pretty inconclusive too.Delete
Not necessarily you checking his phone, but your response to what you found, is all kinds of wrong in my eyes.ReplyDelete
If that was my guy, and I loved him like nobody else on earth, he'd have some explaining to do.
But do you really think we all have one soul mate?? I don't buy it. If I thought he was the only one for me I may have been upset, but that's just not realistic in my view. I never go into any relationship thinking it will last forever...Delete
That's sad. Sad for you, and sad for your husband. But if he is flirting with an ex, then you are two peas in the same pod, so deserve each other, and will probably always feel like cheating on each other, if you last that long.Delete
I checked a few times and omg FOR THE SAME REASON. Le BF is the same, I am so sure he doesnt do any shit behind my back it's BORING. So for the sake of some drama I checked phone / fb. Unfortunately nothing was really juicy enough to stir up some drama. I confronted him anyway, lol. And he wasnt really mad about me checking... it's as you say it, most japanese do not really mind such actions. whats privacy anyway?ReplyDelete
not sure if he checks on me, but recently i locked one folder. i am already excited, if it provokes him. :P
Thank you, someone who gets it!! haha privacy and trust are really not big things in Japan right?! It must be all the communal bathing and sleeping...Delete
Um, those emails are so totally f*cking inappropriate. They are the first step to cheating. You need to watch out.ReplyDelete
Really!? I don't think they're innaprpriate at all, OK maybe a bit, but I've seriously done the same thing so I'm cool with it!Delete
I would feel sorry for somebody who found such emails upsetting, but you seem to find them amusing. You quite possibly deserve each other. Cheat on each other, why not. I think it's sad that you don't care about this, he is the father of two of your children. This is a very depressing thread.Delete
Corinne, you're mixing apples & oranges. Just b/c you don't buy into to the hippy dippy soulmate sh*t doesn't have anything to do with expecting someone you're married to to honor the marriage by not letting emotional or sexual connections to someone outside the marriage happen. Sure, people fall in and out of love. I'll give you that. People outgrow relationships and move on. I'll give you that too. There are an infinite number of men out there with whom you could have a great relationship/there is no "one and only". Yes, I'll give you that one as well.Delete
But if you're in a relationship, honor it!!!! Perhaps you're thinking b/c your motivations for contacting ex's in a flirtatious manner (which I still think dishonors your husband/marriage) are benign, then so too must be the motivations of your chonin. YOUR CHONIN. WHO HAS BEEN RAISED TO BELIEVE THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HIM. You need to check out his motivations.
And perhaps you think, meh, he cheats/I leave him. Well, ok. More power to you. If you're strong enough, emotionally protected enough to do that, that's great. I envy you.
But I disagree completely with your premise, that being accepting of such nonsense arises from not believing Ryota is your soulmate/that you could be compatible with an infinite number of other men. Seriously, it's as if you expect your marriage to implode, so your happy to help it along if the opportunity arises.
I would never phone check and if someone did it to me that'd have serious case of busted balls. Plus if a guy was a serious cheater and had half a brain, they'd get another phone for their cheating messages.ReplyDelete
Love how amused you are at these messages though :)
haha that's so true, I wouldn't want to be with someone dopey enough to get caught cheating anyway...Delete
And you're right, phone checking is wrong! *busts my own balls*
And don't be too confident on the running. One of my (gay) mates was having a fling with a dude who'd put on his running gear, run over and have sex then run home :)Delete
Really? You're married and carrying his kid and not even a twinge of disappointment, anger or hurt? It's entertaining at best? Your marriage is like a continuous out of body experience - you seem detached from it and merely an observer. You must be hurting real bad :(ReplyDelete
Honestly, no. Not because I don't love him and wouldn't be hurt and upset if he actually did cheat on me, but because I think the tendency to want to cheat is totally natural, and also he handled his response quite well. He didn't reply with "Oh my god I regret marrying my horrible wife and I wish we could be together!" He gave a short, polite and gentle response, the same I would do as to not hurt someone else's feelings in the same situation.Delete
Okay :) I respect your beliefs and am glad all's good then.Delete
Your life is so sad for me. But not for you. You are blessed to be able to live your one life this way. Taking third best, having kids, the lot. But coping, laughing at it. But in my opinion, it's sad.Delete
OMG Corinne don't listen to this 222 psycho. I think you have a great attitude around it, being realistic about attraction to other people, taking things in your stride and laughing about them - that's what you need to be able to weather a long term relationship. At the end of e day you have a successful relationship so it's working for you.Delete
how is it *working for her*? she is not happy and she is not loved.Delete
Crabhooves? A psycho? I'm sorry but loyalty and love are not unattainable in life. Hankering for others, whilst in another relationship, and having having more than one child, is more 'psycho' to me.Delete
I have just recently found your blog and really enjoy it! You seem like a nice lady. I have to say though after reading this post that honestly sounds like something very similar that happened to my sister. Her boyfriend was emailing his ex and come to find out he was sleeping with her. I am sorry but no one who is married or dating should have contact with an ex! I am no prude but if that was my husband I would be very upset and in need of a very good explanation......This does not sound right at all. You seem like a very lovely lady and hopefuly this is innocent but I would definitiely keep an eye on this..not good expecially since your pregnant and he is emailing his ex or vice versa...I have one question though, Why does his ex have his number? If he cant let go of an ex then he still has feelings for her..past should remain in the past especially past loves. I wish all the best for you and your kids..but definitely keep an eye on this.ReplyDelete
I feel for your sister, cheating is awful, but sadly a reality that is very common.
I honestly think it is innocent and has been blown a bit out of proportion, but I get where you're coming from.
I think the urge to cheat is a totally natural urge, I don't believe in one person for everyone, but if it actually happens then I think it's just best to break-up!
Hmmm, as for his ex's number, I have my ex's number, we're quite good friends! They broke up on good terms and are friends, as I am with two of my ex's. I'm totally ok with that. :)
I must be from a different planet, because I don't feel the need to cheat on somebody I love. It is not a natural urge. If it was, I would have it too. I am so saddened by this post, by these comments. Let it be known, that this one poster does not find it 'natural' to want to cheat. It is quite the opposite. And why don't I want to cheat? Because I truly love the person I am with for hundreds and thousands of reasons, that no other man could ever replicate.Delete
I see there are a lot of judgemental people out there. I have checked King N`s phone in the past. We were newly married and I wasn`t used to the insane working hours of a Japanese salaryman. Nothing juicy and it helped set my mind at ease. If things ever felt a bit `off` I would most likely check his phone again or just ask outright to see it. I would also have no problem offering mine up if he wanted to take a look.ReplyDelete
I also think the email between Ryota and his EX is innocent. Exchanging drunken email and reminicing about the past is far from hooking up for a quickie.
You say judgmental, I say insecure. I don't think the messages are that bad, it was more the snooping resulting in delight that I think is odd. I have read Corrine's blog over the past few weeks and over the years there's been a definite change in tone of her posts. I don't know if it's for the drama cause that's what the readers respond to or if things are genuinely quite shitty. Your real life friendship obviously gives you a totally different perspective to the rest of us.Delete
I read this blog because I think Corrine has a way with words. But I think Chris has made a good point in his comment. It's not about thinking I'm better than someone else and therefore in a position to judge, it's about wanting something better for a fellow foreigner married to a Japanese guy. If you know what I mean. Deb
Sassymoo~ hehe I'm glad I actually talked to you in person about this, it seems so much sinister written down!Delete
Deb~ I don't think it's judgemental either, just a very touchy subject that everyone has a different level of acceptance on.Delete
And you're right there has been a change in my tone on this blog, part of it is becasue the boring bits are just WAY too boring but I have changed since I've gotten married. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I often do feel shitty, but you're right, Sassymoo sees the normal and boring bits in real life so she knows I'm not close to slitting my wrists everytime Ryota is an arse!
You are the only person on my roll I have ever spoken to or met.ReplyDelete
I think your awesome.
I think your pregnancy has caused self image and confidence problems. A lot of flings by men happen while wifey is pregs and they kinda use it as an excuse. I've seen enough sites and heard enough student stories to see that pattern.
The girl who cries at the drop of a hat not being worried about her man exchanging kindness with an ex while you sometimes yearn for just a little attention.....and this doesn't bother you?
I don't believe it for a second. I think you are protecting yourself mentally because a collapse right now would be bad in so many ways. The "next" mail might say something that will absolutely crush you. I think you should keep checking because he is 1/2 way to cheating. In my mind he already is by having a connection with an ex and not mentioning it to you. I know he thinks you'd be mendokusai but if he showed you without hesitation you could feel a twinge of love and both laugh as be blocks her mail while you watch assuring you that he truly doesn't care about anyone but you and the fam.
He could be doing this better and so could you.
You're right,pregnancy has caused confidence problems... but... :) Not with this issue. I would have reacted the same way any time with this becasue I don't believe in marriage, never have never will.Delete
I think it is a kind of mental safety net, but it's a philosophy I've always had about relationships and marriage, that we are all made for one person is ridiculous to me and the urge to reconnect with someone or make a connection is always going to happen. I've done it, he's done it... it cancels out for me.
I've also never acted on it, and neither has he as far as I know. I think the urge and the act are quite different in that the urge is a natural instinct, the act is a big fat sign that says: "BREAK UP AND BE WITH THE OTHER PERSON!"
If I ever have the urge strong enough to be with someone else, I'll be with them, not by sneaking around, but by getting a divorce.
I don't think love is pure enough to be exclusive...?
Thank you, for your genuine concern though, I really do appreciate it! :)
Wow. I think you and Ryota should have an open relationship where you can both fck around. There ain't no romance in your head, at all. You sound very bitter about love. I also grew up in a shitty world where my mother and all her husbands were complete twats, but I didn't lose the romance in me, nor the ability to remain loyal to the person I love.Delete
I dont think anyone on here is trying to be so mean or judgemental its just it sounds so odd...To me it sounds so familiar like what happened to my sis, and this man and my sis were planning on marrying and made many plans...hooking up with the ex was not for a quickie but for the fact he never really moved on from that relationship.ReplyDelete
Just as a mere observer it just seems fishy but Hey, maybe not maybe its just innocent but still he shouldnt be emailing an ex. He can say" Look I am married please dont email me with things like that". thats all. What is odd too is the fact that this woman knew he was married yet still sent an email like that, Hey I have been drunk but I have my boundries. Just an observer giving an opinion but hey Like i said I could be wrong. Hopefuly so.
Me either, I'm cool with all these opinions, it's so interesting when everyone has such a different view point! :)Delete
The fact that all parties involved here are married goes to my argument that this is a natural thing. I really admire couples who would never think twice about cheating, I'm just not one of them, bit jaded I think!
I'm not married. I wanna fu*k.....er....make sweet sweeet love with whoever I want whenever I feel and having some certificate that basically makes me unable to do that freely is not a certificate I want.
I could imagine a soulmate and exchanging promises but a piece of paper and all the moral and social bullshit attatched?...nah...I'm passing on that.
I've never phone checked before but I might in the future if I ever felt like something was up. I think it's usually possible to tell instinctively if someone is cheating, though...so your judgement is best. That said, I wouldn't be too happy if I was married to someone and I saw those texts on their phone ~ I'd feel jealous and I wouldn't understand it as I've never done the drunk-texting thing.ReplyDelete
I think drunk texters understand each other, I try to turn my phone off whenever I drink now!Delete
I think it's all pretty innocent, but there is a lot of paranoia floating around these comments. If you have something decent with your partner you should be able to tell when their mind is in another place without looking at their phone.ReplyDelete
I don't get the above comment about how an ex isn't allowed to have one's number, what are you going to do pin them down and make them delete it? Too many control freaks, the paranoia can be a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway when you push someone away with mistrust.
I would never do the phone check thing, it is opening a whopper of a Pandora's box. Like I said, I have been able to tell in the past as people just aren't capable of hiding things after a certain period of time without burning out emotionally or slipping up somewhere. The way people give affection changes too if their heart's not in it. I would be insulted if my partner checked my phone behind my back as it is a violation of trust. Everyone needs their own space and your partner should be able to maintain their sanity by having a bitch to their friends after a fight or something without being paranoid that you're going to check what they've written afterwards. Easy way to drive someone crazy and push them away.
I don't get not having an ex's contact either, I have all of mine! >_<Delete
I agree, phone checking is bad, no excuses because I actually have the same opinions on it. I can't say I regret doing it, but I know I shouldn't have.
Momotaro, No need to get all upset. Everyone is entitled to their opinions on this and the lady that posted this obviously wanted input so everyone looks at the situation differently.ReplyDelete
No need to bash anyone. some people can hide things their whole lives and I have seen that. As far as communication with an ex, no I dont think so and yes you can block them..You must be very sure of yourself and your partner,Momotaro.
How do you know what someone is capable of?
It's true, we never know what people are capable of, good point.Delete
I like that everyone has such differeny opinions on this, it's an important issue!
How can people text when drunk? I can't do something so complicated then...ReplyDelete
I never checked any phone. The Auction Winner deletes every message right after reading anyway. But we once talked about it. He said "Just look, I'm sure, you'll find something. If you want to find something, you will."
hehe, mine usually have LOTS of spelling mistakes and auto correct fails... >_<Delete
I like that way of looking at it!!
Hm! I guess I've never checked my SO's cell phone! I did, after a trip, find some unexpected condoms hidden away. Never did ask any questions about that one; hope he had as much fun as I did!ReplyDelete
But as the other woman (when I was a single gal), I've wondered how the man gets away with it. One married guy had a different cell phone (work related) that I contacted him on. Another had a skype account and a secret email account. I never had to contact him by cell phone. Both Japanese guys. Those wily Japanese!
I think everyone is being a bit judgmental. Everyone has their boundaries; yours seem a'right to me. ;)
If they want to be sneaky about it they really can be hey! But that goes for women (more so maybe??) too I guess.Delete
I honestly believe Ryota wouldn't go to the trouble, but we never know, as long as I'm blissfully unaware it's a non-issue I guess.
Thank you, I was beginning to feel like I bit of a demon with no morals!
Each to their own, I say. This is your life, so live it the way you want to. You''re old enough to know what you want out of your relationship and what you're willing to put up with and what crosses the line. You've been upfront and honest from the start and Ryota is still by your side. No offense, but you guys might just last the distanceReplyDelete
Thank you! This is the way I look at it too!Delete
Hmmm, if u lost the part of yourself that could still get attracted to other people, or get a slight thrill from an ex's e-mail, how boring life would be. Ugh.ReplyDelete
Really? That you would need to compromise your love to feel excitement, when there is a whole world out there for you and your love to share and feel excitement about? I feel sorry for the person you are with, if you are with somebody. Unless they are like you, and then you deserve each other.Delete
Ha ha, sorry Corrine, with all my comments. :)))))Delete
But the thing is, I think he handled it as well as he could have... I was actually giving him props. He didn't ignore it, but he's friends with his ex so of course it would be rude to just totally shut her down with an ignore... If he initiated it i might feel differently. haha No worries about all the comments! ;)Delete
Wow, is this the most comments you've ever gotten on a single post? I wasn't even gonna post anything but after reading some of the other comments I'll give my two cents:ReplyDelete
I find it hilarious the way some people seem to think him having contact with his ex is a bad thing, or it will definitely lead to cheating, or that you're weird or delusional for not being bothered by it. There are a lot of insecure control freaks reading this blog. There's also a lot of projecting going on too. Since when does still having contact with an ex imply that one isn't over them?! Absolute nonsense. Most of us will always care for our exes but that's not to say we're going to cheat with them. You seem like quite a strong person. I really hope you don't give in to the paranoia here and start checking his phone every day.
But anyway, if you trust him so much why not ask to see his phone? Why do it behind his back? Doesn't add up. Why not tell him you checked his phone? You said you didn't know quite why you did it, I do believe that you're bored and could do with a bit of drama, but at the same time I don't think you trust him as much as you think you do.
Also, I think your parents cheating on each other is probably why you see cheating the way you do. I can't quite work out what you're advocating/saying is natural. If it's the impulse to cheat, then cool we're on the same page. If it's cheating itself then I guess we disagree.
The amount of comments has really shocked me! I'm glad though, nothing like loads of different opinions for some stimulation! :DDelete
I think cutting off ALL contact with ALL ex's is ridiculous too! I totally agree with you!
I would ask to see his phone, except then it would be like I was jealous or... I dunno... I just think looking then not saying anything (even if I found cheating evidence) is the easier option I guess, cowardly, but true.
I am totally saying the impulse to cheat is natural. The act is hurtful and just a waste of time and energy in my opinion. I have never cheated on anyone and don't intend to, it doesn't mean the thought doesn't cross my mind occasionally though!
I just emailed my boyfriend and told him that, if ever we finish, there are PLENTY of fish in the pond to fck around with, because it seems that these days, folks don't give a toss about truth in love. It's all so cheapened but hey, if it's your juice, do it. I find it sad though.ReplyDelete
Thank you for posting my comments. I am so fcking romantic and a complete bitch about loyalty. I tell my boyfriend that in a past life, I must have been some prudish kant, BUT, don't you crave true romance, just a little bit?ReplyDelete
I love your blog, I like the vibes I get from you as person through your writing, and if you are one of the 'sex and the city' types, not that I ever watched it, then I guess that is what I have to get in tune with. Put down my Wuthering Heights, and so on. Again, thank you for allowing all comments.
It's good you're romantic, I wish I was more like that to be honest. :)Delete
I've never cheated on someone before either <3Delete
Before my husband and I were married but after we'd started living together we went through a really rough patch which was when I started checking his phone. I checked his phone because he had shut off from me and stopped talking. I found messages (not from an ex) that were definately leading to cheating. By comparison the message Ryota sent back was just being polite. There is no way the thought of cheating would've even been in his thoughts while he was writing it.ReplyDelete
I agree that it's a natural thing to think about cheating. The grass is always greener and all that. But actually following through is another thing altogether!!
I don't see anything wrong with phone checking as long as you don't have a problem with your partner checking your phone. I figure I've got nothing to hide so he shouldn't either. :-)
Right!? I was actually thnking he handled it really well!Delete
You get what I'm saying, and if Ryota checked my phone he'd see the same type of messages with me and my ex, but because I don't see that kind of banter as cheating then I don't have anything to hide either!
I've been with my husband on and off since 1985, and I have never checked his phone (ha, well, of course he didn't have cell phone back in the 80's). He is still in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends, and I am still in touch with some of my ex-boyfriends, and I have never believed the people who have told me over the years that this is dangerous and inappropriate -- though I think depending on the individual person, it might be. Just not in general.ReplyDelete
If I ever found out he cheated on me, I would be disappointed, but hey, he's human, we've lived apart a lot over the years, it happens. I've had a few opportunities to cheat myself over the years, but didn't pursue them, and I realize it wasn't because I wanted to stay faithful to him, but because I wanted to stay true to MYSELF. I made a commitment, and I would have to live with myself if I broke that commitment, even if he never found out. This made me think it would not be worth it.
I agree that some (most?) humans are naturally hardwired to be sexually attracted to more than one person -- this helps keep the species going. We can't control our thoughts and feelings, but we CAN control how we act on them.
I could have written this, I agree with everything, thank you!!!Delete
Well, apart from the fact that I was 2 years old in 1985... ;D
Hey, me again, -yawn- ;), I don't think the grass is always greener. Am I a freak or something? Is there nobody else reading this blog post who doesn't feel like me? I feel pretty lonely with my opinions in this thread. Sniffle.ReplyDelete
Fellow freak here :) been with the same guy for 19 years. He's also my best friend. Who cheats on their best friend!? Is it also just me when it comes to exes? I'm still in contact with mine but I remember why we didnt work out and then feel pretty damn relieved we split when we did and that pretty much diminishes any nostalgic feelings or thoughts I could have. Freaky right?Delete
Agree with both of you. It takes a lot for me to be very attracted to someone, and when I'm with a guy I love I generally don't even notice other guys. I mean, I can certainly recognize like, an extreme example of like a model or something that I think is hot, but even if they were standing right in front of me, they would STILL have to have a hell of a personality to even pique my interest. Few stupid comments or opinions and they are instantly wallpaper. Attractiveness to me is heeeavily tied into 'the whole package' and if I'm lucky enough to find that, then I'm pretty good to go.Delete
Sex for me though also is heavily tied into relationship so maybe that's another reason why cheating doesn't appeal to me either. Once you've had the triad of a good physical, mental, and emotionally connected f**k, humping in the back room is a yawn. (I'm no hippie either, its just experience).
Agree with May on friends with exes too--I remember why they're exes and that's all there is, so I've been friends with mine no problem.
You're not alone. I've never cheated or got a thrill from the idea of it.
But, my Ex cheated on me :(((
Sometime later I met a guy and eventually had a 4 hour kissing session interrupted only by the last bus leaving. It was absoloute bliss, better then sex. I think when the intimacy and trust is there everything is so much sweeter.
If you're going to sleep with more then one partner then say so and let the first partner make up their mind if this is the kind of relationship they want. Same as with one night stand and monogamous bf-gf relationships. It saves a whole lotta hurt.
I keep nodding my head as I read your comments. I see no love and it saddens me. LizaReplyDelete
Love is a tricky bugger, everyone sees it differently I guess! :)Delete
By 'love' i meant tenderness, compassion, kindness and care between a husband and wifeDelete
Well, this blog doesn't often show it, but Ryota and I do have love. It's just not an interesting read, the days where I don't post are filled with love, sunshine, rainbows and cute little puppies riding the rainbows, I promise! :DDelete
Ooops, that was me by the way...Delete
Corinne, please write about it more. Your best posts are about Ryota defending you from sis in law, your family outings to the park, etc. Your readers may not comment as much, but it feels so good to see you have fun with each other.Delete
Fair enough, you may be the only one left reading though!Delete
When I was younger, with exes, I got jealous even if they looked twice at someone on TV. It was ridiculous. But I suppose I knew instinctively I wasn't going to be the last person they ever slept with. Now, I don't get so jealous any more - some might call it maturity, or others might say disillusionment... depends on whether you buy into all that Hallmark stuff. Your instincts will always tell you what's going on, anyway.ReplyDelete
Instincts are so important, and I think we are constantly changing as we get older, through experience or just maturity. I'm not a hallmark type, but maybe I would be if I was with someone different, who knows... :)Delete
This comment has been removed by the author.Delete
I want to say that I am totally on team Corinne. I am friends with a lot of exes, mostly because we were friends before we started dating and our friendship was stronger than the break-up. In fact, one of my exes was in my wedding. I talk regularly about them and my J-husband knows that I visit them when I am in the states. I get more suspcious when my husband refuses to answer any questions I have about his exes, but I respect his privacy.ReplyDelete
I think in looking at the evidence Ryota looks pretty innocent. I know some of you think Corinne is hurting herself and her marriage by not getting angrier. But I personally feel she would be being more irresponsible if she were to turn this tiny little text into some huge drama that ended her marriage- especially when she has a small child and baby on the way. Seeing as how she has admitted to doing the same thing, it seems that her and her husband are on the same page when it comes to this issue and they are the only ones whose opinions matter.
Yay! We need pom poms! :DDelete
I honestly never thought about getting angry, like it was a little weird, yeah. But not angry, I've certainly never had a problem with being friends with an ex though, I think that's just nutty, it all depends on the circumstances of the break-up.
And it's so true, I don't think Ryota saw not blocking her mail as cheating in the slightest, so it's actually one thing we do agree on!
Thanks for the support!
I've checked my wife's phone a few times, wondering what the fairer sex texts about and have never found anything really juicy. Wifey's probably checked my phone... actually, I'm not sure. Kids are asleep and she's in the shower now, so I'll as her about this when she gets out and report back to the hive blog-thread.ReplyDelete
During my short experience in this life, I've seen a lot of different approaches to it all. Honesty is the hard part for a lot of people, especially when they find themselves feeling ways they never thought they would (or could) feel. When people stop trying to be honest with themselves, things tend not to go well. But that's not like being honest or truthful doesn't piss some people off.
Once upon a time there was a young man in a relationship with a woman who couldn't make up her mind. Why he doesn't want to see her ever again is not just because he thinks she's an asshole, but because she was deceitful and didn't seem to understand why he could feel betrayed by the double-standard. But whatever... (yawn)
Okay, wife's out of the shower. Will ask. She's got a towel wrapped around her head like a swami.
The swami has spoken.
Basically, she doesn't think phone-checking is cool if it is done on a regular basis. Wifey thinks it is okay maybe once in a while and... get this... she says that if there were anything from an ex, no matter how 'innocent' - that it would come out during an argument at a later time because that's how arguments tend to work.
Now, I too, shall end my ridiculous contribution to the arduously long comment thread by wishing you and your family good luck with the ups and downs of your second pregnancy.
Thank you so much for actually asking wifey, she may be phone checking you on a regular basis now you've raised the topic!Delete
I think wifey has a good point, if it upsets you in the slightest and you keep it inside it is likely to come up in an argument, good case for getting it all out in the open I guess!
Second pregnancy is going well and almost over, thank God (and you)!
"she may be phone checking you on a regular basis now you've raised the topic"Delete
Now I'm tempted to open up a secret account from which to send myself some really confusing texts. If I suddenly discontinue commenting and my blog goes cold, you'll know yet another one of my jokes has backfired.
Yeah, I think that's prob right. When someone's cheating I think there's a gut feeling where you know something is wrong anyways.ReplyDelete
There's plenty wrong with Ryota and I, but I don't think cheating is the thing to be worried about... haha that sounds really messed up!Delete
I find the longer we're married we're becoming like an old pair of shoes, kinda dirty and mangy lookin', but comfy and hard to part with!
Jesus there are soooooooo many responses on this...ReplyDelete
I agree that everyone gets tempted but it's all about how you react to it on whether you're a decent person or not since cheating destroys more than just one person's life...with that said...no the messages weren't damning, I have yet to read a racy email from a Japanese person regarding...well..anything... And I certainly get no responses when I try to send one out but on that note.
Yeah it seems innocent, most things with them do. Course perhaps it is perhaps it's not...either way...men are dogs.
Dogs need to be spanked when they pee indoors....grant it, he didn't shit where he ate but he's confusing the plastic tree with the real trees outside near the trash can.
My bf has had a number of these emails and is friends with a number of his exs...which is fine...so long as he respects me so they will copy his respect back since it seems to be a world of clone like behavior over there.
They scare easy, and you have a kid, so...frighten him. No harm in that, he should know that even though while he didn't cheat, cheating or an emotional hoohaha won't be accepted, and if it did happen then everything goes along with his balls back to Australia, where he's free to visit all three whenever he wishes.
That's how I handle it at least, that and I've become a master at embarrassment.
I am not one of those who are 'tempted'. Not at all.Delete
By tempted I mean by other people presenting themselves. I get hit on a lot...but I never ever dare even give them the idea they could ever get with me. Which is why I don't have ANY close male friends either. I only hope mine can resist in the same way...but since he doesn't get a lot of attention, the little attention he does get makes him want to "milk it". I'm not saying I'm out looking for something, I'm saying no matter what you do, there will be tempting times out there unless you lock yourself away someone somewhere will hit on you and it's all about how you react to it.Delete
222 I'd like to add you as a friend but I'm super new to blogger how do I do that???Delete
Hey there, Persian. I get hit on too, just the other day, waiting at a backpacker place, my natural psycho friendly nature was misinterpreted as me wanting to have sex with this backpacking twat. I was like, 'fck off'. Not sure how to add as friend. I'll click on you and see what happens. I don't have many 'friends' cos I'm a 'psycho.' ;)Delete
It's very true, temptation and the reaction to it are really different in my opinion.Delete
I'd feel too much of a hypocrite to punish him for it though, because I've reacted exactly the same way when an ex has mailed me. And who knows, he may be having phone sex with her every night! :D
If I hadn't done the same things myself I may have reacted differently, but I'm good to just let it be. :)
222~ Never?? Like not even once?? A teeny tiny bit, you thought you might be happier with someone else??Delete
Absolutely never. It took me years to find somebody worthy of my pussy and great shakuhachi skills, and for a reason; most men are twats, so finding this one, despite a hiccup at the start, who is everything - and more - I wished for in a guy (he even does Tantric..how many men take the time to learn how to have really, really good sex!!??), well, pigs will fly before anybody can come close to this guy, or I go it alone, cos the pool of men out there is so crap it's not worth it.Delete
There's being a lunatic and there is instinct. If Ryota had other behaviour that had you thinking (like being home late all the time or whatever) then finding texts about how much his ex wanted to snog him would fuck you off more no? Make you more suspicious? I definitely side more on the suspicious, would fuck me off side. Its not like she's just asking him how he's doing. She's saying she wants to snog him - and pissed or not, its a bit uncalled for. Stupid tart. I'd want to smack her round the side of the head :)ReplyDelete
I think keeping all your ex's phone numbers in your book when you are married isn't right and if I found a list of hub's ex's contact details I'd be mighty pissed off. Why the need? Ohhh, but I'm such good friends with him. He knows me so well - nah.
Well thats me anyway.
Tis why you have so many comments on this one - two sides of the fence. And it fires me up so it must fire everyone else up :) In my opinion its not a trust issue its a what is just fuckin decent issue. Don't go round texting and phoning your ex girlfriends when you have a family at home. Tis just bloody encourage the tart. Ignore - especially the drunk ones about snogging.
Can't comment as wordpress it seems. its GW by the way.
I dunno, one of my ex's really is one of my best friends, of course he's not the one I've exchanged borderline not-innocent texts with, so you have a point. :)Delete
haha I knew it was you before I got to the end by the way!
Wow, this got heated fast. I'm always last to the party :(ReplyDelete
Obviously what you write here isn't the whole story, but to hear you tell it there are quite a large number of points in your life that you chose to turn left when I would have turned right. On occasion you also make it sound like you and R have genuine, make-or-break problems.
That said though, I actually thought this post was kind of sweet. It gives me hope that you two might actually be good together after all. Frankly it doesn't matter what he texted to her, as long as you think it was the right thing to say.
And now back to me. The only time I've ever done something like this was when I was much younger and stupider and I read an ex's diary that she'd left on the bed. There was nothing incriminating in it, but it was all so heartfelt it made me feel like a complete cunt for reading it. Never again...
"It doesn't matter what he texted to her as long as you think it was the right thing to say"Delete
This may just have been the point I've been trying to make with all the defence and waffling on! Thank you!!!
Eek, I guess diary and phone aren't that different, but I don't know if I could do diary... hehe look at me finding my morals now!
Wow, I'm late for the party and even later than Kamo! I don't really care that much for the concept of a keitai check, but seriously, if he/she/I/someone did write something less innocent, it's not that difficult to delete those specific e-mails and leave the rest?ReplyDelete
Good point Salaryman! If he really wanted to hide it he would have, which proves my point that it was innocent on his side, which is important.Delete
And if he has deleted things then I'm quite happy to be blissfully unaware!
No, I'm late, but this topic is too good to pass up.Delete
I'm not Ryota, and I'm not Japanese, but there is only one exception to this: any ex I'd stay in contact with is because I am still hoping to fuck her. The exception is an old friend of twenty-five years, who was a girlfriend in HS and snogging-partner in Uni, but who introduced me to my wife fifteen years after the latter. And you know what? I'd still do her if I thought I could get away with it, but I'm just not that dumb.
I did piss off the native-wife though. She was telling me similar stories of wives checking husband's phones. I said she shouldn't worry, because I'd never be dumb enough to use my phone, or any email she's aware of. Insensitive?
I'm Swedish and met this guy online. We has the usual internet courtship and then he came to see me as well as my family. I went to the US to visit and after some time we decided to get married and that I would move there. Well...when I had been 6 months in the US I did something similar to what you did; I checked my fiancé's email. Turned out he'd been emailing several women on all continents. One particurly disturbing was a Filipino girl who had sent several nude (and I mean ALL nude) photos. It was hard for me to process, and I was really homesick to boot. Perhaps I was just looking for an excuse to leave. To cut one story short; I went home. And here I am. :)ReplyDelete
The question isn't whether or not those emails were "innocent", but whether or not you'd accept him cheating on you. If you wouldn't, then keep an eye on his phone.ReplyDelete
I get the desire to flirt, it's a mood booster, but I'm not sure that I would project my own experiences of what I'd do or not onto my own partner.
Good luck anyway!
Your blog is hilarious and I have no idea how I could have not found it sooner.ReplyDelete
I linked it to mine in a blogroll. I hope you don't mind.