I'm happy to say that I am exactly the opposite now, and I truly believe that it was coming to Japan that changed me. I am now the one who jumps up and down on the plane to freak people out, I say people, I mean Ryota. :) I'm the one who gets in the 2 hour line up to ride the scariest freakin thing at the amusement park. I really don't worry like I used too, and thank god, I would have ended up with a stomach ulcer by the time I was 25 the way I was going!
When I was in high school, people would ask me, "So what are you going to do in the future??" and I would reply "I'm going to go to Japan." Of course I had no intention of going, it was just something I said to keep people quiet and because the real reply was "I have no fucking idea and it scares me sooooooo much! Stop asking me!!!!!!" while blowing air into a paper bag.
Even when I went to university and studied Japanese, I would still tell people I was going to go to Japan but still had no intention of going. And I was still a very negative cynical person, a true pessimist. I figured if I set myself up for the worst possible outcome I would never be disappointed. Of course this never works, I don't know why, but it never does.
It could possibly have been the fact that I couldn't have prepared myself for the worst outcome when I got my heart broken. How dramatic! hehe, of course looking back it was so stupid, I thought I was going to die and all that jazz of first heart break. So to pull myself out of the well of self pity, I actually did come to Japan, and even then I was still being negative and thought I'd probably come home after about a month or so. But I didn't, and it was hard, but it was the best thing I have ever done. And because it was so scary, it was like nothing else was scary in comparison. And that was it! My negativity, my fear, my hesitation all disappeared!
So for the last few years I have felt so free compared to when I was younger, I'm not scared and I love it.
There is a little verse that is hanging in our genkan, Ryota tried to read it yesterday and couldn't understand a word of it, he figured he should understand anything that is on our wall so I translated it for him and we both agreed on how true it is, an oldy but a goody:
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world you'll fins
Success begins with a person's will-
It's all in your state of mind.