Wednesday 16 February 2011

The rules of arse licking.

Don't worry, not going to give you a step-by-step on rim jobs or anything. How do I even know what that is!?

The arse licking I'm talkin' about is the kind that is necessary to do business in Japan. Now me being an alien and all, I'm a little bit exempt from being too much of an arse-licker, apparently it adds to my dumb gaijin charm if I don't use perfect polite Japanese to students, and you know what, fine with me! If I don't have to bow so low I topple over and honourably honour my most honourable customer every time he walks in the door, I'm certainly not going to start complaining.

However, when we do business with other companies, they are definitely not exempt from such arse licking, and some are caught quite off guard when they realise it's my big foreign, white arse they have to lick. OK, I have to stop, the images are making me slightly ill.
I've been thinking about putting an Ad for the school in one of the local coupon magazines in our area, it's a pretty publication with shiny paper, not shitty newspaper and it's the only one everyone bothers to read, so I knew it would be good exposure for the school. I also wanted it to be in the magazine for March, as April is when most people start their studies or new lessons. So between a bit of slackness on my part, a bit of MIL not getting her arse in to gear, and Ryota just not giving a flying fuck in general, it ended up that the deadline for the March issue was today. As in, we called yesterday and had to have everything finalised by today. Fucking rush and stress galore not helped by Ryochan and his lack of stress-handling capabilities, but more on his inept arse later. (I'm loving arses today...)

The whole situation was not helped by the fact that MIL was off to an onsen for the night last night. Poor thing, her one night away and she had to deal with all our problems on the phone for half the night, I would have told us to fuck off if I was her! Anyway, Ryochan has nothing to do with the school most of the time, it's 95% me, 5% MIL at the moment, now I'm used to running things. And I'm not going to bitch about that, if Ryota and I work together we will actually get a divorce, or attack each other with a blunt instrument, like 100% I'm sure of it! I finished teaching at 7 last night, so the magazine dude said he'd come and talk with us at 7, usually MIL would come too or I'd deal on my own, but because there was going to be important Japanese to be written, we had to drag Ryota along to the meeting. Ryota knows pretty much nothing on the school system and pricing and stuff so I had to correct him 50 zillion times, but he was quite useful for things I couldn't ask/write.

Anyway, I knew I was putting the Ad in, and to a reasonable extent, it was going to be at any cost. Of course I didn't want to let on about this to magazine boy, as I was hoping if I ummed and ahhed enough he'd cut the price a bit. Ryota is quite good at bargaining down prices too so we did end up getting a reasonably good deal. (still fucking painfully expensive though!) The arse-licking began early by the magazine dude. The first one was the compliments on my Japanese ability, but this one really doesn't count, as we all know that any gaijin monkey who can say "Ka-knee-chi-wahh" is a linguistic genius. But he was extra suck-up-ity, telling me he thought I was actually Japanese. Errr, yeah, take away the blond hair, blue eyes, sarcasm, tits, arse, ability to resist cute things... and we won't even be close.

The next was the fact that he said SIL was pretty. Yup, that's dog-fucker SIL I'm talking about too! We got introduced to the magazine guy through SIL's boss (my student) so he knows SIL quite well. He even got a double arse-licking in by saying that Ryota had a very 'Oniichan' (big brother) air about him like he thought he would, and that SIL is a lovely girl, all in one sentence. I smirked at this comment and Ryota came back to him with "Really, you think she's beautiful?? You should go for it, she's a virgin you know!" If he'd been talking about any other person, I would have been mortified but for SIL I actually snorted and proceeded to choke on my own spit. Magazine boy went red and then said, "Ohhh no, she's very beautiful, she could get a boyfriend easily!" To which Ryota and I both snorted in unison.

He then spent the next 2 fucking hours talking about the ad and peppering little arse-licking comments in his conversation. Finally, when he said I look like a professional model so their photographer would be pleased I found that my arse had all the licking it could take for one night and I started to try and wrap things up. But doing business in Japan is a long fucking process, if people stopped wasting time beating around the bush and giving each other empty compliments, Japanese husbands might get home to their attention starved families a bit earlier.

When we finally got home Ryota instantly went in to 'panicky-stress-ranty' mode. This was a shame, because if it had been in English I would have been happy to do it. Ryota and I are totally different, he's TERRIBLE at doing things like writing an Ad, like it would be his worst nightmare. He told me he burnt his diary he was supposed to write in every week at primary school once, that's how much he hates creative writing. I on the other hand love that sort of shit, making words work the way you want them to. But to be fair, Ryota can literally fix anything, and is good with his hands, where as I am as useless as tits on a bull when it comes to handy work... We should make a good team, if only we'd have been in the right language yesterday!

Anyway, bottom line- Ryota got his mum to mail him what to write from the onsen, then I thought about the other half in my crap Japanese and got MIL to check it when she got home. We faxed it, the photo is being taken tomorrow, drama was averted.

Thank fuck.


  1. "But he was extra suck-up-ity, telling me he thought I was actually Japanese. Errr, yeah,"

    A no talent sweet talker...nice ;)

  2. all good then? Spose he had to say SIL was cute for fear of not getting business. hope it pulls in lots of new students and that there is less arse licking in future.... :)

  3. Mexico isn't as bad in the ass suck-up-ity business, but I'm still way too direct for most Mexicans. Good luck in your adventure.

  4. Maybe you could hook SIL up with the magazine guy and they can get married and move far away!

  5. Magazine guy needs to ask SIL on a date. That would be comedy gold.

  6. "Really, you think she's beautiful?? You should go for it, she's a virgin you know!"

    Ai heard me laughing in the kitchen. You nearly had my honey-nut cheerios coming back out my nose. That's some funny funny shit!

  7. Hmm, next time you need to 'suggest' that in order for you to place an ad, he first needs to take her on a few dates, because he finds her so hot and all.

  8. Oh boy, that was dangerous material to read at work. The poor SIL, I don't even remotely know the girl, but I was painfully suppressing rising laughter while reading this story.

    Hope your school benefits from all this and that said girl gets sometime in the future a try at actual human-to-human nude interaction (arse-licking an option).