Monday, 28 February 2011

Wait... Which fight was it...?

Sorry, I realised the last words on my previous post were "Will keep you updated..." That was a big lie, I didn't update at all! But as a few wise commenters said, it did just seem to fizzle out without really coming to a head. dangerous as will be used as future ammo. But for now, his chonanitis seems dormant and we're all happy with his new computer and my new job.

Like I wasn't busy enough already this month with a flood of phone calls and trial lessons booked in from the magazine ad. (Not complaining, I promise!) I got a drunken phone call from one of my old mates who I used to go and watch football (soccer) with who said they knew someone looking for a female announcer for the AFC Champions League games that are about to start with quite a few being played in Osaka. Now, some gaijin ladies are totally in to the whole modelling/announcing/being a random gaijin in the background on TV, and actually make a go of it I'm sure, but I'm really not one of them. I wouldn't say I'm shy, but not really an extrovert either. Anyway, I was about to tell him 'thanks but no thanks' but he told me the price they were willing to pay for me to read a script and I was seriously gobsmacked, cleared my whole schedule and said "Fuck yes!" I won't tell you the exact figure because one of you Internet crazies may hunt me down and jump me, but it's basically 3 days work for almost the same as Ryota makes in a month. It was perfect timing though, what with the ad and the new computer, plus it will get rid of a chunk of Ryota's motorbike loan so I was very keen to at least audition.

I met my mate yesterday and he came along to the audition with me as he knows the organisers quite well. When we got to the audition room, there were 2 other girls auditioning, one Chinese girl who had amazing English and was studying in Japan, and another girl I didn't really talk to but had come with her manager so was apparently a professional announcer/model. I thought the professional girl would get it for sure, but it was worth trying anyway. After I went in to audition, I started shitting myself pretty quickly, it was basically 5 old-ish, powerful-looking guys in suits, one was the head of the football club, another was the director of the stadium events and the other 3 were probably equally important people I had to impress. I fucked up one question he asked me in Japanese, but apart from that pretty much understood what he was saying and then had to read a few announcements and then the player's names and numbers. The Japanese players are no problem, how the hell I'm going to get through the Brazilian players and the other team I have no fucking clue, but I have rehearsals tomorrow and all day Wednesday, so hopefully I'll be coached on how to say them before we're actually live!!

Am looking forward to it though, not only because I'm a football fan, but it will be interesting to go behind the scenes and see how it all works! The organiser called me today to arrange rehearsal times and asked me if I'd like to do the Japanese announcements too, this freaked me out a bit, I can read Japanese, but there's just that increased chance that I'll fuck it up if it's not in English! He said we could discuss it tomorrow anyway, so if they up the price I may just suck it up and put my best Japanese elevator lady voice on and go for it! I don't know if the game will be on TV, definitely on cable I think, so if you get a chance, watch and tell me that my voice isn't too annoying, I need the confidence boost!!!

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Mid-fight post...

I was going to write a humorous little post about Grandma giving Ash chocolate every morning as my breaking point story. And what do you know, I went and tempted fate, and fate fucked me right up the arse by delivering a cracking fight between Ryota and I for me to share with you! Don't you love hearing about other people's fights? It always make your own relationship feel that little bit more stable.

It has been brewing for a while so I should have known it would explode at some point but first of all, I just want to let you in on the reason for most of our marriage problems. He's sick. Really sick. There's no cure for this horrible disease and it gets very ugly at times. I found a very accurate description of Chonanitis here:

Chonanitis- The condition where only the oldest son of the family is affected. Symptoms include; selfishness, arrogance, ignorance, short-temper, and general signs of being an absolute wanker. The subject also tends to be totally incapable of looking after himself as the condition progresses. The most unique aspect of this debilitating illness, is the fact that the subject tends to be totally unaware of his symptoms, meaning those closest to him suffer the worst of the effects.

I have friends who actually refuse to date the chonan of families, and I thought this was pretty ridiculous, but the longer I'm married to one, the more smart it seems. A lot of girls don't want the responsibility of being the 'head of the family' one day, but I think the fact that the eldest son is treated like a Prince for most of his life by his female relatives is MUCH worse than any responsibility. Ryota is a prime example of a chonan who has gotten away with way too much as he was growing up. And I don't like it one bit. I actually have changed my parenting goals, Ash can be a crack head for all I care, as long as he isn't a fucking chonan type, I'll be happy.

Basically, when I got home last night, I was greeted with stone cold silence as I walked in so I knew something was up, then when I went in to the kitchen, there was stuff all over the floor. I thought it had fallen off the shelf, but I later discovered Ryota had actually thrown it off the shelf. I never actually asked him, but I think he tried to find something on the shelf, couldn't for all the stuff there, so got in a temper and had a food throwing hissy fit. Fucking ape.
I'll admit, my shelves are nowhere near spotless, but my point is, he never cooks anything, so why does it bother him?? It's my organised mess, and I like it that way. Cook something for once in your life and you can bitch about the way I keep the kitchen all you want. He quite obviously wanted to have a go at me but I wasn't taking the bait, and ignored him about it. Cleaned up the mess, we were actually quite normal after that. But still, I was pissed and he was probably still pissed too, so didn't help the next problem we had.

Which was, the fucking computer.

Between us and the in-laws, we have: A laptop at our house, a laptop at the in-laws, a desktop PC at the school, a desktop PC at the in-laws. We're not lacking in access to computers. All are relatively new and have internet access. I really don't think we need another computer. Ryota disagrees. He's trying to make a website as a side business which he has fantasies of turning into big business so he can quit his job, which is fine (although I have serious doubts it will take off) but he could work on it from our home laptop which I never use. He feels he needs a new laptop, used only for the website and all the crap that has to be done for it (and probably his porn collection too). I'm not a stingy wife but this month and next are quite tight as we have to pay for the magazine ad for our school and various other loans and bills we have. A new computer is quite hard to budget in, but it's his birthday next month so I said he could buy the computer as a birthday present, after all, who am I to object if he really wants it right.

So it was settled, we'd buy the computer quite soon as he wants to work on the website as soon as possible and just say it was his birthday present. My mum also very generously offered to pay half of our magazine ad, but we can't pay that by credit card, so Mum and I had the idea that if we put the computer on my mum's credit card it would be easier than her sending yen or Aussie dollars as there would be a fee to change it and it would depend on the exchange rate blah blah blah. Ryota's tiny brain couldn't comprehend this but he agreed anyway. He started getting pissed off last night when I asked him to wait until today to buy it, as it was about 10,000 yen more than my mum was going to pay for the ad. Now, in reality, I know my mum will say she'll just pay the extra, or I can just send 10,000 yen to her for next time she comes to Japan, but I think it's common courtesy to check with someone if you're putting more on their credit card than they agreed. So, I said I'd talk to my mum today, then we could put it on her card tonight, and pay for the ad in cash. Reasonable, no??

He got in a total hissy fit, saying he HAD to buy it tonight (last night) as he NEEDED it before this Saturday to work on the website. Typical fucking chonan having a tanty because he can't have something straight away. He also accused me of concocting the credit card idea to dissuade him from buying the computer. Ummmm what the fuck?! I was all for it I was just trying to make every one's lives a bit easier! I tried to explain to him that there was no conspiracy against him or his fucking computer and that if it was THAT urgent to have the computer by Saturday then put it on our Japanese card and we'd just get my Mum to send yen for the ad. He was too pissed off by that point though and just went to bed. We didn't talk at all after that.

Skip to this morning... I wake up every morning and make his lunch and see him off. I was contemplating just not getting up, but thought I should, just to keep the peace and not be unnecessarily bitchy. So I stumbled downstairs and he says "Ohayo" and I said "Morning" and admittedly it was in a small voice, plus my voice is always super husky in the morning so it wasn't that genki and loud, but then he comes right up to me and goes "OHAYO!!!" in a mega pissed off voice. Like a scary school teacher voice! I actually laughed it took me by surprise that much, I then told him I would finish his lunch that he'd started making but he told me not to, so I didn't argue, slammed the door and went back to bed for a good cry at what a moody fucking arse he actually is. Ash woke up to me sobbing in to the pillow and said "Mummy ouchie...?" and patted my head which was cute and heart breaking at the same time.

So now it's 7pm and I'm kind of putting off going home, I know it will just be more ignoring until I make the first move. Although I have all credit cards, so if he wants any computer action I guess he'll have to talk to me sometime. We'll see anyway! Will keep you updated...

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Breaking points.

We all have them.

Ryota decided he was going on a diet last night after I'd danced around in my underwear poking his belly and relishing in the fact that I was now a whole 10kgs lighter than him. His breaking point came about 10 seconds after trying to just eat a big bowl of Konyaku for dinner, when he caved and went for a big steak.

OK, Ryota's 10 seconds is a bad example, but it was quite funny.

I actually saw Grandma reach her breaking point the other night, and it doesn't often happen. For an oldie she's actually quite patient, considering she has to live with a bunch of fuckers like us. I mean really, she's got:

Her only daughter (MIL): Divorced. A bit mad. Planning to fuck off to Thailand once Grandma kicks the bucket.

Her eldest Grandson (Ryochan): Knocked up the foreign. 'Nuff said.

Her only Granddaughter (SIL): Dog fucker. Weird cunt. Pretty much no job. Virgin. No hope of getting married. Useless.

Her youngest Grandson (BIL): Lazy arse. Never leaves the house. No job. No immediate hope of getting married.

Her Granddaughter-in-law (Me): Will eventually be the head woman of the household, but is foreign and totally incapable of futon management and therefore a useless twat.

Wow, maybe Ash holds some hope for the future...

So yeah, Grandma does tolerate us all pretty well considering she's of an age where she has the right to be grumpy. She's usually pretty even-tempered and will go with the flow. (Unless it comes to futons or how many layers my son is wearing of course.) But the other night, she pretty much lost it, and I must say, it was fucking funny to watch and participate in.

Basically, it all started when we were watching some shit TV show where they were testing convenience store cake and saying how good they were. Considering MIL and I are dieting, we were already drooling at the thought of cake, but they looked awesome, so all of us realised we wanted, no needed that cake. Now.
This is such a Japanese way to think, 'if something is on TV it must be good, let's go get some!!' I wonder how many TV studio executives had to get blow jobs from Lawson people for Lawson to be declared the cake King of the convenience stores. It's like the 'raa-yu' chili oil fad, it was on TV and declared famous and I swear to god it was like finding gold if you got that particular chili oil at the supermarket.

Anyway, I'm a sucker and have totally turned Japanese so I was all for a convenience store run to shove some grannies out of the way to nab the last of the famous cake. When I say I was all for it, I mean I was all for someone else going and getting it for me though. I was already in pyjama mode and had no intention of getting out of it, I did however, really fancy a piece of cake. So my cunning plan was to plant the seed of suggestion in dumb arse SIL's brain that she could take the car on her own to Lawson. I knew this would work as SIL has just got her licence and I remember when I first got mine, I'd drink copious amounts of milk just so I had an excuse to pop out and get some in the car. SIL totally took the bait and I sweetened the deal even more by suggesting that Ash might like to go with her. This was so perfect, SIL out of the house- CHECK. Loud, annoying child with her- CHECK. Cake on it's way to my belly- CHECK and CHECK. I was feeling very smug when everyone agreed this was a good idea. Everyone except... Grandma.

Grandma: (Hunched over the sink doing the dinner dishes) You can't go anywhere now! Not at this hour, not by yourself!!!

Ryota: Errr Grandma, it's like 7:30...

Grandma: Still, It's fucking dangerous!!!

SIL: I'll be fine! Let's go Ash!!

Grandma: You're a fucking dickhead, there's no way you can go by yourself!! Dickhead!

MIL: Oooooo you're grumpy tonight! Did you take your meds??

Me: (sensing Grandma about to blow something) Grandma you should go sit down, I'll do the dishes...

Grandma: NO, I'M FINE....

Me: Dickhead!!!...?

Everyone except Grandma: (Stifled laughter)

She was really pissed, not quite sure why, maybe she was worried about SIL'S crap driving with Ash in the car, and fair play I probably should have been a bit worried about that but the thought of half an hour peace and quiet pushed out the image of my son being horribly mangled in a car wreck. In the end MIL defused the situation by offering to go too, so the 3 of them toddled off while I got a nice, quiet, relaxing bath. They ended up returning 2 hours later because in true Japanese style the cake had all sold out and they had to go to the local shopping centre to deliver on the cake promise! I think Grandma calmed down a bit but I did hear her bitching from my house when they got back so late.

As for my breaking point, I've reached mine too. But more about that tomorrow.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

The rules of arse licking.

Don't worry, not going to give you a step-by-step on rim jobs or anything. How do I even know what that is!?

The arse licking I'm talkin' about is the kind that is necessary to do business in Japan. Now me being an alien and all, I'm a little bit exempt from being too much of an arse-licker, apparently it adds to my dumb gaijin charm if I don't use perfect polite Japanese to students, and you know what, fine with me! If I don't have to bow so low I topple over and honourably honour my most honourable customer every time he walks in the door, I'm certainly not going to start complaining.

However, when we do business with other companies, they are definitely not exempt from such arse licking, and some are caught quite off guard when they realise it's my big foreign, white arse they have to lick. OK, I have to stop, the images are making me slightly ill.
I've been thinking about putting an Ad for the school in one of the local coupon magazines in our area, it's a pretty publication with shiny paper, not shitty newspaper and it's the only one everyone bothers to read, so I knew it would be good exposure for the school. I also wanted it to be in the magazine for March, as April is when most people start their studies or new lessons. So between a bit of slackness on my part, a bit of MIL not getting her arse in to gear, and Ryota just not giving a flying fuck in general, it ended up that the deadline for the March issue was today. As in, we called yesterday and had to have everything finalised by today. Fucking rush and stress galore not helped by Ryochan and his lack of stress-handling capabilities, but more on his inept arse later. (I'm loving arses today...)

The whole situation was not helped by the fact that MIL was off to an onsen for the night last night. Poor thing, her one night away and she had to deal with all our problems on the phone for half the night, I would have told us to fuck off if I was her! Anyway, Ryochan has nothing to do with the school most of the time, it's 95% me, 5% MIL at the moment, now I'm used to running things. And I'm not going to bitch about that, if Ryota and I work together we will actually get a divorce, or attack each other with a blunt instrument, like 100% I'm sure of it! I finished teaching at 7 last night, so the magazine dude said he'd come and talk with us at 7, usually MIL would come too or I'd deal on my own, but because there was going to be important Japanese to be written, we had to drag Ryota along to the meeting. Ryota knows pretty much nothing on the school system and pricing and stuff so I had to correct him 50 zillion times, but he was quite useful for things I couldn't ask/write.

Anyway, I knew I was putting the Ad in, and to a reasonable extent, it was going to be at any cost. Of course I didn't want to let on about this to magazine boy, as I was hoping if I ummed and ahhed enough he'd cut the price a bit. Ryota is quite good at bargaining down prices too so we did end up getting a reasonably good deal. (still fucking painfully expensive though!) The arse-licking began early by the magazine dude. The first one was the compliments on my Japanese ability, but this one really doesn't count, as we all know that any gaijin monkey who can say "Ka-knee-chi-wahh" is a linguistic genius. But he was extra suck-up-ity, telling me he thought I was actually Japanese. Errr, yeah, take away the blond hair, blue eyes, sarcasm, tits, arse, ability to resist cute things... and we won't even be close.

The next was the fact that he said SIL was pretty. Yup, that's dog-fucker SIL I'm talking about too! We got introduced to the magazine guy through SIL's boss (my student) so he knows SIL quite well. He even got a double arse-licking in by saying that Ryota had a very 'Oniichan' (big brother) air about him like he thought he would, and that SIL is a lovely girl, all in one sentence. I smirked at this comment and Ryota came back to him with "Really, you think she's beautiful?? You should go for it, she's a virgin you know!" If he'd been talking about any other person, I would have been mortified but for SIL I actually snorted and proceeded to choke on my own spit. Magazine boy went red and then said, "Ohhh no, she's very beautiful, she could get a boyfriend easily!" To which Ryota and I both snorted in unison.

He then spent the next 2 fucking hours talking about the ad and peppering little arse-licking comments in his conversation. Finally, when he said I look like a professional model so their photographer would be pleased I found that my arse had all the licking it could take for one night and I started to try and wrap things up. But doing business in Japan is a long fucking process, if people stopped wasting time beating around the bush and giving each other empty compliments, Japanese husbands might get home to their attention starved families a bit earlier.

When we finally got home Ryota instantly went in to 'panicky-stress-ranty' mode. This was a shame, because if it had been in English I would have been happy to do it. Ryota and I are totally different, he's TERRIBLE at doing things like writing an Ad, like it would be his worst nightmare. He told me he burnt his diary he was supposed to write in every week at primary school once, that's how much he hates creative writing. I on the other hand love that sort of shit, making words work the way you want them to. But to be fair, Ryota can literally fix anything, and is good with his hands, where as I am as useless as tits on a bull when it comes to handy work... We should make a good team, if only we'd have been in the right language yesterday!

Anyway, bottom line- Ryota got his mum to mail him what to write from the onsen, then I thought about the other half in my crap Japanese and got MIL to check it when she got home. We faxed it, the photo is being taken tomorrow, drama was averted.

Thank fuck.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Just because

I'm actually so fucking bored, I'm going to do one of those gay question things. Bloody students who change lesson times and then don't show up as scheduled. Stupid bastard, granted he's only 12, but I think any age over 10 can be called a bastard.
I'd write a proper post out of boredom, but I'm also sick, so something mind-numbingly simple is in order for today.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
'Fuck me, I need to put some make-up on to hide my red nose...'

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
About 5000 yen, which I plan to blow on stuff I don't need at Costco later today.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Memoir. Well, kinda, if you say it in a funny voice...

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
A student.

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
The alarm bells one that I keep for people I don't want to talk to.

6. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, black long-sleeved top, pink undies, boots, star socks.

7. Do you label yourself?
Fuck yeah, take your pick- Gaijin, Alcoholic, Drama-Queen, Emotional eater, Mummy, Wifey...

8. Name the brand of the shoes you currently own?

9.Bright or Dark Room?
Dark, Dracula style room if possible.

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
They are way too positive and happy. No person is that happy.

11. What does your watch look like?
Baby blue G-shock.

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Drowning in my own snot.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"Xorry no skype, yuki in 10? Xxx" (My mum hasnt' really mastered the art of text messaging yet...)

14. What's a word that you say a lot?

15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)
Fuck knows, I don't think anyone else loves me! Possibly a Junior high school kid about 3 years ago...

16. Last furry thing you touched?
Haha this is just asking for a minge joke. No, probably Whiskey.

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
19. It must have been good because I remember projectile vomiting water all over a garden on the morning of my birthday from drinking too much the night before.

18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
行って来るねぇ~ (I'm off!)

19.The last song you listened to?
Norweigan wood, The beatles.

20. Where did you live in 1987?
I was 4... So probably my own filth.

21. Are you jealous of anyone?

Yup, pretty much everyone.

22. Is anyone jealous of you?

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
A sarcastic smirk, Tattoos, Socks.

24. What’s your favorite town/city?

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
When I first came to Japan and couldn't speak Japanese and therefore couldn't get internet access.

26. Can you change the oil on a car?
I reckon I could muddle through it.

27. Your first love/big crush: What's the last thing you heard about them?
Married with 2 kids. And fat!

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yes, head is killing me due to snot drowning situation.

29.What is your current desktop picture?

School logo.

30. Have you been burnt by love?
More like plunged in to a seething pit of larva. Yes.

Why not?

Why not indeed...

Friday, 11 February 2011

It's official

I am married to a fucking mental case that has a head that looks suspiciously like a big, shiny, knob.

Ryochan made me promise I wouldn't go flashing these photos around, but really, who lets their wife take a photo of them looking like an absolute dickhead when he knows she has a blog and isn't afraid to showcase her weird family on it. His own fault I say.

Speaking of dickheads, it was Ash's school concert yesterday, and the kids sang an English song I taught them, an English song that happened to come with a set of very spastic looking actions, which I had to do in front of every mother fucker in the place. And it was packed, there were irate Grannies banging on the windows to get a squiz of their Grandkids as they got their 1 minute on stage, people shoving old people out of the way to get better camera views and just general chaos. I wouldn't have minded getting up and dancing like a twit, but Japanese parents are so fucking stone faced when they watch school concerts, it was really intimidating, think I'll have a few shots of vodka before the next one, or get my hands on a joint, although that would be bad, I'd probably end up with the munchies and retreat to the school kitchen and raid the kid's lunches.

I'm on day 2 of 4 with both Ash and Ryochan in house 24/7, trying to ignore the mess and lack of anything productive being done and just get on with it. Happy long weekend to those lucky bastards who have the house to themselves!

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Sucked in whitey!!

The whitey I'm referring to in the title is my son, of course. Who better to berate and tease than your own defenceless offspring!?

OK, so maybe whitey was the wrong term, maybe it should have been 'suck it halfey!' But there's something disturbing about telling my own son to "suck it"...

So why am I so gleefully taking the piss out of my own son you ask? Well, little halfey has been shoved off his super-star status throne at kindy, and I'm thrilled. Let me explain. So kids in Japan who are half-white/Japanese are always seen as cute, people always comment on their big eyes, "tall" noses, (still don't know what the fuck that means) and blindingly white skin. Now Ash has got the whiteness going on, eyes are pretty small but that could be because of his chubby face encasing them and generally looks, well, pretty damn Japanese. This is neither a good or bad thing for me, but J-people see him and go, "Ohhh, he looks...errr... very... Japanese..." They get half-way through the sentence and almost stop, then nervously wait for the aftermath of this horrible insult, because for a halfey, looking Japanese actually is a bad thing! This is just plain weird to me, to think that looking like your own race is a bad thing?! But, despite looking quite Japanese, as he has been blessed with half my awesome DNA, he also gets many compliments on how tall he is, or the colour of his hair (brown), and the whiteness of his skin.

The compliments are all very nice, but you know what, I really don't like them. My kid is going to grow up thinking he's the Brad Pitt of Japan... just because he's half-white...? Some parents of halfeys also have the fear that their halfey kids get a complex about being 'different' but I'm not that concerned with that. He is different, but he'll deal with it by either liking being different, or punching any little bastard who wants to tease him about it in the nose. (I'm hoping the latter, it will be funnier to watch) I don't care about him feeling different, but I do care about his ego being inflated so much that if he ever lives in Australia he'll get a very rude shock as all the kids he's around will be halfeys, or three-quartereys and every colour of the rainbow.

Kindy doesn't help, I'm not going to go as far as saying he gets special treatment, but he definitely gets lots of ego boosting from teachers and parents who like to compare his whiteness to other kids. He even got a star as his little symbol that goes on all his crap, just give him the acorn, he likes acorns!! I do actually feel bad for the kid with the acorn symbol though, he has a moon face and is always snotty... Now the symbol choosing could possibly have been totally random, but I don't know, I wouldn't have put it past some teacher to assign the cutest symbols with what she thought were the cutest kids. This is Japan after all...

So from February, a new student joined Ash's class, and she is my saviour, the reason that Ash is no longer the "star" of his class. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow the star symbol has been ripped off all his stuff and replaced with a big number 2. The new little girl is Koko-chan. Koko-chan and I go way back too, her Daddy is an annoying guy who likes to get pissed and talk to me a lot and her Grandma's house just happens to be the one across from mine. (next to the in-laws) Koko-chan was born quite prematurely, so she was always so small and cute, with big, and I mean BIG eyes. When she was a newborn it was actually a little freaky, but now she's grown into her body a bit but is still tiny and cute, she is definitely the star of the show. All the kids lovingly pat her head and all the teachers just love to pick her up. When she walked in yesterday and everyone started drooling over her, I saw Ash have a bit of a squiz to see what all the fuss was about, but his car puzzle seemed more interesting than some cute mini girl with pigtails. I was proud.

I'm hoping as Japan becomes more international, he won't be so 'special' just for having a whitey mum. I'd much rather him be seen as special for something worthy, like beer drinking or hot dog eating or something, but in the meantime, thank fuck there are still cute little Japanese girls that can trump a pudgy halfey boy. Og god, what if I have a girl next, she's doomed....

Saturday, 5 February 2011

How to be an annoying gaijin...

Part I of many I'm guessing, and there are millions of sub-categories. The drunk gaijin... The obnoxious drunk gaijin... The 'my white ass is too good for you' gaijin... no really, there are literally a lot of ways a gaijin can piss people off in Japan.

I've found myself being an annoying gaijin by accident lately, I've sort of grown out of a lot of the categories like getting drunk and vomiting in taxis and such (although I am going out on the piss straight after work tonight...) and I would like to think of myself as relatively culturally aware and sensitive to the fragile infrastructure that keeps the Japanese boat un-rocked. However without even knowing it, I may just be turning into a bit of a Japan know-it-all... *shudder*

As many of you will know, this last week was 'setsubun,' the bizarre bean throwing festival where Dads dress up as a devil and scare the shit out of their kids. Oh, the kids are supposed to throw beans at devil Daddy as well... I think some ancient Japanese dude was on acid when he decided this would become a tradition to live on for the next million fucking years. There are also other weird traditions on this day, such as eating big arse sushi rolls without talking, (I think some clever housewife invented this one though, have to shut up the whiny husband and kids somehow!) and hanging sardines speared with leaves on your gate... Errr, maybe acid dude was still high with that one.
I have no idea why these things have come about, (and don't really care, not complaining when it means store bought sushi rolls and no cooking for me!!) and you know what, Japanese people don't have a fucking clue either. I've asked. Many times. And I usually get lots of teeth sucking followed by a "Hmmmm Japan has a lot of interesting festivals!"

Still, despite nobody having a clue about the original meaning of setsubun, every bastard LOVES to tell you what happens on the day. The first year I was here, it actually was interesting. But, you know, after the 6th time around, I find myself finishing people's sentences and reacting with a fake smile and a knowing nod. It's not intentional, it just happens I swear! But the funny thing is, I fucking hate those people, you know the ones who know how to read and write 5 million kanji, have ninja costumes hanging in their rooms, pretend to really love natto and actually know all the words to the Japanese national anthem... Oh hang on, no J-bastards even know the anthem, either that or they all fall asleep before it's over...
But anyway, point being, I hate the smug gaijin who feel the need to be a walking Japan encyclopedia. I think it's even more important when you're teaching English, the poor buggers are doing the best in a language that's not their own and here I am with not even an "Ehhhhhhh, really!?" when I hear about a devil being smacked with beans after sneaking into the house. I really am going to have to make more of an effort with my surprised face and noises, talking about a festival for 50 minutes and getting paid for it isn't so bad afterall I guess.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

She likes pussy as well now??

Oh yes, dog fucker is who I'm referring to.

Although I'm talkin' pussy in the cat sense, not the other...wait a minute, all you filthy bastards who thought some hot lesbian porn site was going to flash up! Hmmm, let's see, here's a picture that's sure to kill the mood of that party in your pants...

SIL is at it again with the beastiality, I think she may be doing inappropriate things with my pussy, err I mean, cat.
The reason I have these suspicions? Well, our cat seems to disappear for long periods of time inside the in-law's house and I dread to think how the poor little thing is being violated.
I am now officially pissed off again with SIL, not that it ever really stopped, but this time I actually have a reason apart from the fact that she's just a general mental case.

So first of all I should give you some background info... The cat we're talking about, is the cat that I fought to keep, the one all the in-laws said we shouldn't keep and would be road kill right now if it weren't for me. I'm actually really more of a dog person, but as a pet owner, it's got to be a cat, I don't have time to walk and feed twice daily and deep tongue kiss a dog like SIL does. But our cat has been working out well lately, I give her the most affection and basic food, Ryota tolerates her (he was against keeping her from the start and pretty much hates cats), and as a favour to us, she in turn tolerates being dragged around by my giant son saying "baby! baby!"

Before she was de-sexed I made sure she stayed inside, but now there's no chance of her getting knocked up, the dirty little whore can shag freely for all I care. I also like the fact that she can't kill any birdies or anything like in Australia, and that there are no roads she usually strays too far to. So for me, the cat outside is not a big deal, much rather her shit in someone else's garden than in her litter box for me to clean anyway! The in-laws however, obviously have a problem with this, because every time she goes outside, they either usher her in to their joint, or put her back inside. I'm almost inclined to give them a lecture on the importance of fresh air and exercise for pets but I'm sure they'd just come back with "Ooooo it's far too cold!!!" Bitch moan fucking bitch. Why do you think they have fur!? Anyway, what the in-laws also don't get, is that our cat is CONSTANTLY fighting to run out the door, like every time I'm getting my shoes on, she's instantly at my feet waiting to dart out. And now she's fixed, I let her, if she cries, I let her back in. Pretty damn simple if you ask me.

So today, she was out in the morning, and Obaachan was playing with her in the sun, then put her back inside our genkan, which is fine, I'm cool with this arrangement, then about an hour later, I had to go outside to do something, and she got out again, (Grandma was inside by this point) but I figured I'd just let her roam free while I got some housey stuff done. As I was hanging out the washing, I heard SIL and MIL come outside, (SIL was waving off MIL as she went to work for some bizarre Freudian reason.) and hear SIL start to bitch at MY cat being outside again. She said something to the effect of "For fuck's sake she's let the poor cat out again, she's going to get cold. Why the fuck does she let her out all the time!?" My balcony is perfect for over-hearing bitching from the in-laws, so I sat tight to see if she said anything else, but it was just basically the same thing over and over again. She then proceeded to take MY cat inside with her, and I'll leave what she was doing to the imagination, but what the fuck, just leave the cat outside you stupid bitch!!!

She then infuriated me even more, by bringing MY cat back into MY house an hour later, but not just in the genkan, she waltzed straight in to the living room and out again with not one word to me, despite me saying "Thank you" in Japanese then "you fucking slapper" under my breath in English. She's obviously pissed because she feels like she has to look after the cat but I can't wait to tell her just to back the fuck away from our pets/house/life. I feel another argument building, it's getting over-due and I can just tell her mood is gradually swinging to psycho. My hatred of Japan isn't helping either, the next one will be a big one, that's for sure! Stay tuned!!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

And so...

Was the party a success?

Of course it was! But we all knew it would be in the end.

Do I still want to leave Japan?

Kind of, but not before getting a big arse cake and throwing at random staff members, and well, just anyone really, at Costco...

Speaking of the cake, it actually turned out really well, which kind of pissed me off because you know when you get a huge arse bee in your bonnet but then it all works out fine and you have to eat your words along with your cake...? Yeah, bit like that. I also had to get some severe ribbing from Ryota, but I'm glad we can laugh about it now at least.

So here is the famous fucking cake!!!

When we got to costco they didn't have any dinosaurs on display but when Ryochan asked, this super nice lady went and rummaged around in the freezer for us. Wish she'd been there the day before, bet she would have slipped our order in. And so, I wrote his name on and the toy story characters fit perfectly, and the candle matched the dinosaur colour EXACTLY and it all worked out. Of course the writing was still in Japanese, but he is a halfie after all. I'll deal.
Even though there is still a bad taste in my mouth about living in Japan for the rest of my life, I guess in this instance I kinda forgot what it was all about... Because really, all that mattered was this...

And getting to do this...

But most of all, this...

Happy Birthday little man, we may escape this mother-fucking country one of these days!!!
*Pictures (and party therefore my child's happiness) made possible by the wonderful Sassymoo, thank you!!!