OK, REALLY need to get 'cunt' out of my title. Sorry, I wouldn't want you all to think I'd either a) gotten divorced, b) stabbed Ryota multiple times with a kitchen knife, or c) crumpled up in a heap on the floor and was still having a wee sob. No, all is fine, but March and April are incredibly busy months for me, so I've been distracted from twat husband antics with work.
Which brings me to today's dilemma. I'm busy, busier than I can handle at times and it stresses me the fuck out. I like being busy, but the work/home balance is hard for me and it's only getting harder this year, with more students than I can handle AND a new bouncing baby boy (did I mention it was a boy...? Can't remember...) gracing us with his noisy presence in June.
There are days that I seriously consider giving the school up, selling it, or just closing it, and being a stay at home mum. Now Ash is older, I actually think I might be able to do it, probably not enjoy it ALL the time, but be half-decent at it at least.
I even went as far as to make a pro/con list of working vs. not working. I discovered the main pros of quitting: I'd be a better mother and have less (or at least a different kind of) stress.
The cons: M-O-N-E-Y. That's pretty much all it comes down to. OK, and the fact that I'd be bored shitless a lot of the time, but pretty much just comes down to cash. I'm the better earner in our house so it really doesn't make sense for me to quit, but there are times when I feel a whole heap of pressure to keep my shit together, just this afternoon I felt like having a big cry when I looked at my schedule for this week and next: no days off for two weeks and the earliest finish of 7pm, usually 8pm. 7pm isn't that late (especially by J-standards) but when you have to factor getting dinner on the table, bathing your kid, and actually seeing him before bed time, it fucking sucks.
I think I'm just feeling pressure, cut off from anything but work, mummy guilt, and preggo hormones. Whatever it is that's making me feel this way, it fucking blows!
Again, I feel like it's unfair, women can never have it all, not without sacrificing something. As I see it, I have 3 options...So should I embrace my maternal instincts and scrimp and save to get by on one (crap) salary, throw myself into work and hope my kids survive without the need for a therapist before they hit their teens, or suck it up and keep this balancing act going...?
All opinions/experience with being a working parent are welcome!