Sorry for the title, but there are just no other words for it this morning!
'It' being my husband. Of course, who else would I be bitching about this early on a Monday morning?!
I don't think Ryota is a bad person, I don't think he's the kind that goes out of his way to be a dick to me or anyone else, but I think the old chonanitis and his upbringing with nobody questioning his way of handling things have just made it so he is totally oblivious to the way he handles situations. Which would be fine, except that if he is wronged or slighted in any way, we ALL know about it. This is the thing that annoys me, if you're sensitive about things being done to you, then fuckin think about every other bastard as well! Again though, this is a classic 'chonanitis symptom.'
Take this morning for example... Ryota took the day off, which I explained would help me out because from March I have an early start on Mondays and instead of dragging Ash out of bed kicking and screaming when I got up at 7, he could sleep a bit longer and Ryota could take him to kindy at about 9, when I'd already be at work. I went over this plan with Ryota at least 3 times, but he still asked me what time he should leave when I'd called them out of bed for the 3rd time at 8:30. I'd also slept in a bit so I grabbed a quick piece of toast and vegemite and multi-tasked, trying to keep the crumbs out of my eye shadow while fighting off a random attack of morning sickness? Monday sickness? I don't know but I really felt like I needed to vomit!
Today is rainy too, so Ryota enquired how he was supposed to get Ash to kindy. Now this itself annoys me, how the fuck do you think I get Ash to kindy every day of the week, rainy ones included?? Had he never thought about it?? So I explained that the lovely invention of the wheel comes in handy on rainy days when we use the car we are lucky enough to have to get Ash to kindy without getting soaking wet. He then asked me how he was supposed to get him to the car from our house (our car park is a few minutes walk away) and I said that I usually just walk with Ash and his umbrella but I know Ryota will never be arsed doing that so I told him to ask Grandma to keep Ash entertained for 5 minutes while he went and got the car. It's really not that hard, a pain in the arse, yes. But not fucking brain surgery.
So Ryota sat on the sofa with Ash with a stunned mullet kind of look on his face, taking in all the instructions his tiny brain had to absorb, such as before mentioned car duties, the clothes I'd laid out for Ash to wear today and the already packed kindy bag. He then asked me what he should give Ash for breakfast. And this is where I almost lose it, I'm running late, fucking use your half a brain cell you surely inherited from someone along the line and deal! He was probably still in shock from all the responsibility placed on his weary shoulders, I know, but fuck me!
I was working hard at biting my tongue getting my stuff together and getting ready to go when he went into the kitchen and made a sharp intake of breath noise like he'd just discovered a dead body tucked in the freezer. "What?!" I asked him in a panicky tone, to see him wiping a drop of coffee that I'd spilled on his gardening test booklet (another post right there). he glared at me like I'd just poured hot coffee on one of our children, and I said I was sorry, and I genuinely was, but I couldn't help thinking 'well, if you leave shit like that on the kitchen table... odds are...' I KNOW if that had been mine that's what he would have said, but in the interests of household peace on a Monday morning and for my blood pressure levels, I again apologised, but really just wanted to get out of the house.
Apparently that was the straw that broke the cunting camel's back, because as I was brushing my teeth, I heard him call the kindy and tell them that Ash would take the day off. Fine with me, but really, he caves under all the tumbling pressure that easily?? The house is a bomb site after weekend chaos too and I was wondering if I should ask him to clean up, but I know that would be met with a tirade of whinging that would NEVER let up, so I decided to leave it be and I'll do it on my lunch break or tomorrow when they're both out of the house. I'm also expecting numerous mails and phone calls until lunch time, along with the speech of how difficult Ash has been all morning and woe is fucking him when I get home. Something to look forward to!
The final incident? Literally as I was walking out the door and I said "OK I'm going, see you at 1!" you think he'd say something like, "OK, pregnant whale-like wifey, go for it, see you then!" but no. I got: "So I can go to the post office at 1 right?! I have no time to do what I want!" And i just wanted to get the coffee I was holding and fucking deck him over the head with it and collect the insurance. So I couldn't hide the fact I was pissed at that point and said "It was your decision to keep Ash home, don't go whining now! You can go to the post office at 1 when I come home, but can you go to the supermarket at the same time then?" A pretty reasonable request I thought.
I closed the door to: "OK, you can come with me!"
Ummmm what the fuck?! See if he was a normal person, the events of this morning would actually be a good learning curve, he might appreciate the shit I do EVERY single day while working, sometimes longer hours than him. But it's Ryota, and his chonanitis is way too advanced, he won't learn a thing, he'll just think that it was so unfair that his day off was ruined by all the jobs I made him do.
OK, feel better after blogging. Now if only I could stay at the school with my flask of coffee and students that aren't Ryota all day....
Sounds like a crap morning C.ReplyDelete
Hope you are feeling better.
Hope that R gets his act together (one can wish right?)
Of course if it gets too much for you... there is always my way. LOLOLOL
It was pretty crap actually!Delete
He actually did get his act together, in his own mental way and took me out for Italian for lunch, so he knew he was being a dick obviously.
But you are my idol, it takes strength to do what you've done!
Okay, so it's too late to change his upbringing, but would it be possible to force him to fend for himself more? Yes, you will have to deal with more whining and temper tantrums, but better to get it done now than after the baby arrives. On a day like today could you take yourself to a coffee shop for breakfast and set a bunch of alarms in his room, perhaps one at the back of the closet forcing him to get out of the futon to turn it off, and let him figure out for himself or deal with the consequences. Maybe you could invent a private lesson client who would be at the coffee shop with you, preventing you from answering the phone. Honestly, I know they are raised to be incompetent idiots, but they can changed if forced. My fil was completely horrible and useless when my dh was a kid, but after all the kids left, mil stopped doing anything for him. Now, he can cook, do laundry, take care of a baby, my husband can't believe he's the same man. Why wait? You are pregnant working mom living in his country, he's got to help you out here. And if he won't, then make sure that coffee is steaming when you throw the open flask at him!ReplyDelete
This is actually very good advice! I wish I could, but sometimes it just isn't worht it for me, aka I'm lazy.Delete
Maybe because I bitch a lot about the things he's useless at, but I'm useless at a lot too and I need to feel like I'm the one who has it together with the house/work balance. I guess I should cut him some slack in that I'm used to juggling the two.
I think he is improving slightly, it may take many years and near-divorce arguments before he's fully trained though!
Of course we're useless at stuff too, it's not our country and not our language, which are better excuses than being born first son! And of course you're better at doing both, but unless you make him, he will never improve. When dd1 was ten months old dh was a sham dad for 6 weeks between jobs while I was working two jobs. Turned out to be a great experience all around. He figured out how hard the parenting gig was without having me looking over his shoulder to see when he messed up. Of course, I'm not suggesting he quit his job, but if you're not available, he'll have to learn.Delete
"He was probably still in shock from all the responsibility placed on his weary shoulders, I know, but fuck me!"ReplyDelete
If you snap and cut him up and feed him to his own relatives in some curry or Niku jaga...(it'll maybe taste weird so just say it's kangaroo meat)...
No one will blame you. This blog can be your defense teams ace in the hole.
I think the "I thought I married an adult male but it was an 8 year old boy in an adult costume...so I fucking snapped of course" defense might work. If there are any women on the Jury your home free!!!
Hmmmm essence of Ryota curry... served cold... Now there's an idea!Delete
I'm glad the blog world will be my character witnesses too (again with the Law & Order... :) )
He redeemed himself with a nice lunch out and he paid our car insurance which I have no fucking clue how to do so I'll let him pass this time without dismembering him. Don't put ideas like that in my head!
jesus. Sorry Ryota but that is useless with a capital U. I can't believe he chose to keep Ash at home the whole day instead of getting through half an hour of really hard shit like getting him dressed and driving him to kinder.ReplyDelete
I think you should have a crisis at the English school at one and mail Ryota with the shopping list and tell him to take Ash.
Hope you're feeling better.
Right, even for a useless Japanese man, this morning was an amazing effort of uselessness!Delete
He didn't apologise but took me out for lunch so I have forgiven him for today. Would be so much easier if they just behaved like normal people in the beginning!
Does Ryota need someone to wipe his ass for him too? Sorry! I know that's an awful comment, but goodness, bless you for dealing with all that chonanitis!ReplyDelete
Oh no, it's a totally valid comment! Although funny you should mention toilet habits, he wasn't toilet trained until he was 4! Might have something to do with it, his mum literally wiped his arse for way too long!Delete
Good grief! I'm totally useless most of the time, especially in the morning, but he takes it to a new level.ReplyDelete
He does indeed. He got his act together by lunch time thank God!Delete
Yup, I think you had the right idea! Parenting is hard enough without some other fucker making it more difficult!ReplyDelete
Damn. I would blow my top living with a guy like this.ReplyDelete
All those questions about easy things.
Jeez, I feel for you.
Not sure what to say other than he needs some kind of wake-up call.
Here you are, preggers, bringing in the bread, not bitchin' or complainin' that you're having to work even though you feel sick, bringing up a kid, blimey, he needs to get his act together.
You have WV and this goes against my commenting policy but you are worth it.
I really hope he starts realising just how good he has it with you.
Well, I do do my fair amount of bitching and complaining, I just never really write about it. ;)Delete
He is a major dick a lot of the time, but he does have good days.
Gotta agree with some of this advice. Let him do it for himself. Every time I read one of your rants about him being useless there's some line like, "I'll just do it myself later. It'll be easier." I'm sure he's worked out that's what'll happen. It's not mature, but it's all 'win' from his point of view. If you don't want him to act like a kid then you shouldn't act like his mother.ReplyDelete
Sorry, that sounded harsher than I meant it to. But there's little point bitching about how he *should* change just because it's the adult thing to do. It doesn't seem like that strategy's going so well thus far. You've got to give him a real incentive. Also, don't make him feel stupid for asking stuff you think he should already know; he's clearly got more than his share of pride and ego, and if you make him feel stupid every time he tries then that's another excuse not to try.
Christ, I can be a judgemental tosser sometimes. I'll get off my high-horse now. Excuse me...
You're right, I really do feel that doing it myself is better than the tanties he throws. And harsh is good, I need harsh sometimes! Thank you!Delete
Ow. I guess the next step is even shittier. He'll say "Don't baby me, I can do it on my own. Stop doing so much for me." You'll be happy and let him do things on his own. But later you'll receive a call "It's nice, that I may do this, but I suck at it. So you better do it." (true story!)ReplyDelete
Just being willing to do stuff, doesn't mean success. Sadly.
*sigh* sadly, yes. Damned if you do... Damned if you don't. It's hard to find a balance with these things!Delete
So glad to be reading the Monday post on a Tuesday. Not gonna try to offer any relationship advice... Now you've got me thinking that blogging really can save lives.ReplyDelete
Who thinks ohh have a kid at home, that is so much easier than taking them to school? esp when it's raining? (thelentilweaver)ReplyDelete
If hubby is such a loser, why do you keep letting him put buns in your oven?ReplyDelete
I think you could both benifit from seeing a marriage counsellor. It sounds like you are very stressed and often unhappy. Sometimes a bit of outside support is all that's needed to smooth things out. It would be very frustrating to be pregnant and to not feel supported by your partner.ReplyDelete
hmm...don't think you can keep using chonanitis as an excuse for everything.ReplyDelete