Well, the clock ticked over and Ryota turned 30 without turning into a pumpkin. Still whinged a bit, but nothing too extreme compared to the outbursts earlier in the week. He did apologise for them when it got so bad I just ended up in tears not wanting to open my mouth for fear of setting him off.
Turns out the one who had the melt down was me!
I hate blaming things on hormones, because really that's just something that women do when they're being bitchy, but I think pregnancy hormones are the exception. Fuuuuck me. Can I just stop and say as well, if you're thinking that pregnancy is all glowing and miracle of cunting life, then please, I beg you, save yourself the rude shock and get one of those birth control implants. Those fuckers ensure you don't get pregnant for at least 3 years, I'm already looking into them... OK, maybe it's different for others, but I HATE being pregnant. You get fat, your body is taken over by a vitamin-sucking parasite that will turn into a living, breathing, soul-sucking parasite in baby-form, you can't drink, and you cry at random fucking moments. Very inconvenient!
Right, now that's out of my system, my Friday melt down... I had 3 days off last week. Rare for me but I've devised a new system at the school that means I actually get time off and I'm really glad I did. One year of working with a few days off in summer and winter was hell last year, this year will be tough, but at least I know I have a few random days off every month. So I decided to get a hair cut. I haven't had one since my birthday and my roots are really bad, not that noticeable because my hair is closer to my natural colour, but enough for me to feel like a skanky crack whore every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. So I booked in to the place in the city where I went last time. I knew they could deal with light/curly hair because the salon has a regular rush of foreign hostess' going in to get their hair done. I felt slightly out of place last time I was there, especially when they gave me a Russian magazine until I asked for an English one.
And so Friday morning came. And I had nothing else to do that day... I dropped Ash off at kindy with only a slight pang of guilt that I didn't actually have to work that day. And then, I cancelled my appointment and cried for a good hour under the fucking kotatsu...
What the fuck is wrong with me?! My reasoning? It was raining, the place was too far, but more than that, I am so fucking fat and ugly at the moment that it would be a waste of fucking money to get pretty hair.
And the sad thing? It's SO fucking true. I'm fucking horribly fat, and please, no comments of "You're not fat, you're pregnant!" Because it's simply not the case, I've put on way too much weight, and it's nobodies fault but my own, which makes me even more angry with myself. I also have awful pimples this pregnancy around, which makes me want to jump off a bridge every time I put make-up on to try and conceal the horror movie character that has become my face. I feel the worst I have possibly ever felt, and I feel kind of bad for Ryota because living with me can't be easy at this mopey time, but he honestly doesn't help matters much. I really miss... kindness in a relationship. He doesn't outright insult me, but he doesn't go out of his way to make me feel especially good either. I'll save that issue for another time though. I think it's the general fucked-up-ness of being pregnant, added on to the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my school after the baby is actually born. It stresses me out to the point of scariness actually, I feel like I have very few options and no solution in sight, finding staff to cover random shifts is much harder than it appears, but according to Ryota I should just gaman and go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. Fuck, now I feel like crying and I have to teach 3 lessons in a row.
Fuck it, shouldn't have blogged!
"You're not fat, you're pregnant!"
ReplyDeleteIt's possible to be both. In fact, being pregnant gives you the perfect come-back if anyone does accuse you of being fat, no matter how true you think it is.
I say fuck it, kick back and pork out for the next few months. It's the only time you'll have a cast-iron excuse to throw back at people and all that suffering has to come with some recompense, no?
Aw, you poor thing. Sounds like a tough time. Not feeling like you look your best really can take it of you, although I bet you don't look a smidge as bad as you think you do. Your skin will recover (maybe use retinoids after the baby is born? Former acne sufferer here), and as for the weight, you're young and active enough to it to come off again pretty easily. Besides, the weight standards for pregnancy are much lower in Japan than in the US or Australia. Internal fat is more of an issue, generally speaking, for people from Asia, and so doctors there maintain stricter guidelines since that kind of fat is the more dangerous one. Please don't worry too much about it. You're a beautiful woman.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you do have a lot on your plate now, and it must be overwhelmning. But you've done such an amazing job so far with raising a son in a land with a culture relating to childcare so different from your own, as well as opening and running a successful school. You can do it! My only bit of advice would be to put a deadline on when you will have decided what to do with your school. Even if you close up for a few months, if you give your students enough notice, they might be very understanding. So if you haven't found a replacement by a certain time, it'd be time to reconsider your options. I find deadlines stressful, but ultimately very reassuring.
Anyways, the best of luck to you. You're going through a hard time, but you are an impressive person, and you should not forget that.
Wow, Anon! I doubt anyone can put it better!
ReplyDeleteI can only add that it's never a waste of money, when you invest it in your body. May it be money for a fitnessclub or for a haircut, doesn't matter! Just do it! :-)
Anon summed it up perfectly!!!
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself!!!
I'd go bananas with that schedule - no need to feel guilty for only a few days off.
As for your skin - I recommend alovera gel. It's cheap and alovera contains a natural collagen in it which is great for the skin.
It's possible that the stress is giving you pimples. If possible it might be good to hire someone to teach for you sometimes or to rent the space you teach at so you can still be making money but not put so much pressure on yourself. You could take up yoga classes in the spare time. Yoga is great for posture, fat burning, destress and gentle enough for pregnancy!
I hope you rebook to get your hair done. You will feel better for it I'm sure! Deb
ReplyDeleteAgree on the hair - rebook your appointment. Feeling fabulous about your hair is better than feeling shit about everything surely. Hope you got through your classes. You are crazy busy woman. Hope you have some luck finding part time teachers to hire.
ReplyDeletexxx
Shit, I'm having loads of trouble trying to comment on here. Just redirects me and takes away my comment. Will try again.
GW
Those last few months of teaching while pregnant were beyond hard. It's not just you! I hope you find someone to cover, but if you don't, you may need to consider taking time off, or only teaching enough to cover the expenses for a while. Tough decisions suck, especially when feeling fat and hormonal. No great advice, just think about what you and Baby (and Ash) need. Ignore clueless husbands who have never been pregnant or given birth. Making yourself sick and/or crazy is probably not the best way.
ReplyDeleteXana
poor thing you have alot going on right now im sure you figure something out
ReplyDeleteRide the hormone wave... go absolutely batshit and have everyone afraid to even look at you wrong, then sit back and relax.
ReplyDeleteGet your hair done and dont' worry about the pimples. It's hayfever season, just wear a facemask!
Miss Corinne ... you have no idea how much I love you. Well, I love reading your blog. I love how honest you are. I love the window into your life. I love how you share your anguish. I love knowing that there is a woman out there like you who has created her own successful business and puts up with a chonin. I love hearing about Japan. I giggle when you mock Americans (b/c I am one so I get the joke). I giggle at the amount of profanity you use in your post. I smile when you post pics. Your little boy is the cutest. And goodness you are so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. You are the coolest chick I've ever run across and I wish we were friends. Get the pretty hair. And a mani/pedi while you're at it.
It's easy to buy the crap about not putting too much weight on during a pregnancy, when in Japan. You were skinny before you started, so of course you'll put on a lot of weight - it's all supposed to become food for the baby. And baby boys definitely do that to your skin, I think it's all the extra testosterone floating around.
ReplyDeleteTry to keep in mind that it's not permanent!!! Good luck!
As a fellow pregnant 'fatty' I second the motion to get your hair done and a mani and a pedi. Why not? You deserve it! Make yourself feel good. Relying on someone else to do it really gives them more power over you and your happiness than they should have.
ReplyDelete