Well, the clock ticked over and Ryota turned 30 without turning into a pumpkin. Still whinged a bit, but nothing too extreme compared to the outbursts earlier in the week. He did apologise for them when it got so bad I just ended up in tears not wanting to open my mouth for fear of setting him off.
Turns out the one who had the melt down was me!
I hate blaming things on hormones, because really that's just something that women do when they're being bitchy, but I think pregnancy hormones are the exception. Fuuuuck me. Can I just stop and say as well, if you're thinking that pregnancy is all glowing and miracle of cunting life, then please, I beg you, save yourself the rude shock and get one of those birth control implants. Those fuckers ensure you don't get pregnant for at least 3 years, I'm already looking into them... OK, maybe it's different for others, but I HATE being pregnant. You get fat, your body is taken over by a vitamin-sucking parasite that will turn into a living, breathing, soul-sucking parasite in baby-form, you can't drink, and you cry at random fucking moments. Very inconvenient!
Right, now that's out of my system, my Friday melt down... I had 3 days off last week. Rare for me but I've devised a new system at the school that means I actually get time off and I'm really glad I did. One year of working with a few days off in summer and winter was hell last year, this year will be tough, but at least I know I have a few random days off every month. So I decided to get a hair cut. I haven't had one since my birthday and my roots are really bad, not that noticeable because my hair is closer to my natural colour, but enough for me to feel like a skanky crack whore every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. So I booked in to the place in the city where I went last time. I knew they could deal with light/curly hair because the salon has a regular rush of foreign hostess' going in to get their hair done. I felt slightly out of place last time I was there, especially when they gave me a Russian magazine until I asked for an English one.
And so Friday morning came. And I had nothing else to do that day... I dropped Ash off at kindy with only a slight pang of guilt that I didn't actually have to work that day. And then, I cancelled my appointment and cried for a good hour under the fucking kotatsu...
What the fuck is wrong with me?! My reasoning? It was raining, the place was too far, but more than that, I am so fucking fat and ugly at the moment that it would be a waste of fucking money to get pretty hair.
And the sad thing? It's SO fucking true. I'm fucking horribly fat, and please, no comments of "You're not fat, you're pregnant!" Because it's simply not the case, I've put on way too much weight, and it's nobodies fault but my own, which makes me even more angry with myself. I also have awful pimples this pregnancy around, which makes me want to jump off a bridge every time I put make-up on to try and conceal the horror movie character that has become my face. I feel the worst I have possibly ever felt, and I feel kind of bad for Ryota because living with me can't be easy at this mopey time, but he honestly doesn't help matters much. I really miss... kindness in a relationship. He doesn't outright insult me, but he doesn't go out of his way to make me feel especially good either. I'll save that issue for another time though. I think it's the general fucked-up-ness of being pregnant, added on to the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my school after the baby is actually born. It stresses me out to the point of scariness actually, I feel like I have very few options and no solution in sight, finding staff to cover random shifts is much harder than it appears, but according to Ryota I should just gaman and go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. Fuck, now I feel like crying and I have to teach 3 lessons in a row.
Fuck it, shouldn't have blogged!