Saturday, 31 March 2012

This is why I stay

Ryota is such a fucking shitty husband sometimes. I might even go as far as saying he's a shitty person, he is notorious for being difficult to get along with in his family and among his friends. And the amount of bitching I do about him, I'm sure you probably think I'm soft in the head for putting up with it and staying. And you know to be honest, sometimes I wonder how much I can take until I kill him off for the insurance money or just flee the country!

But after my last post, I was feeling REALLY shitty, and it wasn't for an hour or so, it was a constant feeling of wanting to cry. It's rare for me to feel like this for extended periods of time so I started googling depression during pregnancy, and sure enough, it's pretty common, just due to hormones. There was a special mention that if you have something that would be stressing you out normally, it is likely to be 10 times worse when you're pregnant, just because the prospect of stress on top of the whole responsibility of bringing a new life into the world can be way too much for a woman with stupid amounts of hormones running through her. So the school is my stress trigger it would seem. And I don't want it to be, because I love it and am so proud of it. It is still a huge weight on my mind but I'm trying techniques to not let it get to me so much that I'm battling depression because of it.

So that night when I got home, I was completely honest with Ryota, I said I wasn't coping, I was sorry because I was going to be quite difficult for the immediate future at least, and that I needed to cry and not be quizzed on why I was crying. He took it all in, fiddled with his whiskers as he does and then started singing some ridiculous song about his "mendokusai wife" in a high-pitched voice. He let me be though, and started googling pregnancy depression in Japanese. That night when we went to bed I was still so down and after Ash had gone to sleep and I was having a bit of a futon sob, he came out with:"I know what the problem is, you're horny!!!" Only to pull the covers off to reveal that he'd totally stripped off! This made me giggle a bit too, but I explained that sadly a shag wasn't going to solve everything. And it didn't. Didn't make matters worse mind you... I did actually feel a bit better after some good old fashioned lovin'!

The next day he woke up early and I came down to find him planning... our wedding.

I know, what the fuck? He told me he'd made a plan to have our wedding along with my 30th birthday at my favourite restaurant in my hometown and was looking up prices... Now this is totally another 'Ryota pipe dream' that I assure you will never happen, but it was his way of thinking of how to cheer me up and by giving me something to look forward to. (I'm sure it was a tip from the internet, but still!)

He really is an arse a lot of the time, but I guess that's the thing about figuring out the people we're close to, not everyone does it in the conventional way. And I'm kind of glad he's not conventional, keeps life interesting at least!

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Survived! Well, he did...

Well, the clock ticked over and Ryota turned 30 without turning into a pumpkin. Still whinged a bit, but nothing too extreme compared to the outbursts earlier in the week. He did apologise for them when it got so bad I just ended up in tears not wanting to open my mouth for fear of setting him off.

Turns out the one who had the melt down was me!

I hate blaming things on hormones, because really that's just something that women do when they're being bitchy, but I think pregnancy hormones are the exception. Fuuuuck me. Can I just stop and say as well, if you're thinking that pregnancy is all glowing and miracle of cunting life, then please, I beg you, save yourself the rude shock and get one of those birth control implants. Those fuckers ensure you don't get pregnant for at least 3 years, I'm already looking into them... OK, maybe it's different for others, but I HATE being pregnant. You get fat, your body is taken over by a vitamin-sucking parasite that will turn into a living, breathing, soul-sucking parasite in baby-form, you can't drink, and you cry at random fucking moments. Very inconvenient!

Right, now that's out of my system, my Friday melt down... I had 3 days off last week. Rare for me but I've devised a new system at the school that means I actually get time off and I'm really glad I did. One year of working with a few days off in summer and winter was hell last year, this year will be tough, but at least I know I have a few random days off every month. So I decided to get a hair cut. I haven't had one since my birthday and my roots are really bad, not that noticeable because my hair is closer to my natural colour, but enough for me to feel like a skanky crack whore every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. So I booked in to the place in the city where I went last time. I knew they could deal with light/curly hair because the salon has a regular rush of foreign hostess' going in to get their hair done. I felt slightly out of place last time I was there, especially when they gave me a Russian magazine until I asked for an English one.
 And so Friday morning came. And I had nothing else to do that day... I dropped Ash off at kindy with only a slight pang of guilt that I didn't actually have to work that day. And then, I cancelled my appointment and cried for a good hour under the fucking kotatsu...

What the fuck is wrong with me?! My reasoning? It was raining, the place was too far, but more than that, I am so fucking fat and ugly at the moment that it would be a waste of fucking money to get pretty hair.

And the sad thing? It's SO fucking true. I'm fucking horribly fat, and please, no comments of "You're not fat, you're pregnant!" Because it's simply not the case, I've put on way too much weight, and it's nobodies fault but my own, which makes me even more angry with myself. I also have awful pimples this pregnancy around, which makes me want to jump off a bridge every time I put make-up on to try and conceal the horror movie character that has become my face. I feel the worst I have possibly ever felt, and I feel kind of bad for Ryota because living with me can't be easy at this mopey time, but he honestly doesn't help matters much. I really miss... kindness in a relationship. He doesn't outright insult me, but he doesn't go out of his way to make me feel especially good either. I'll save that issue for another time though. I think it's the general fucked-up-ness of being pregnant, added on to the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my school after the baby is actually born. It stresses me out to the point of scariness actually, I feel like I have very few options and no solution in sight, finding staff to cover random shifts is much harder than it appears, but according to Ryota I should just gaman and go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. Fuck, now I feel like crying and I have to teach 3 lessons in a row.

Fuck it, shouldn't have blogged!

Monday, 19 March 2012

The big 3-0.

Not me, that will be me next year, but this week, Ryochan turns 30. I'm kind of looking forward to 30, or at the very most it will be a kind of 'meh, another number' kind of birthday, which is what I would expect of most men, especially J-men where 30 isn't really a big birthday, but Ryota is FREAKING OUT, more than I realised I think. And whatever, we're all entitled to a freak out now and then, but considering I'm the only one he's freaking out to, it's kind of hard to know how to deal with.
It started yesterday with him having a day by himself, I'm not sure what he did, watched movies, pissed about on the computer, took the kotatsu futon to the cleaners, (HUGE good husband points there, I HATE doing that shit!) and you know, contemplated the fact that... his life had amounted... TO NOTHING. *cue dramatic music*

I actually had a bit of a giggle when he said this, (definitely not the best way to handle things I'm sure) but really, for one, 30 does not signify the end of you life. Now 50 or 60, yeah it's getting closer to the edge of that end of business, but 30?! Surely not!
I then realised he was completely serious, so I asked him to clarify what he meant and after a few minutes of thinking and a few taps at the Jap-Eng dictionary, he came out with; "I have no foundation."
Again, I needed clarification, but instead of pushing to find out what he really wanted to spit out, I decided to point out the things that he had that were very good in his life, here was my list:

*First and foremost, an amazing wife! (OK probably wasn't the best one to start with...)
*Two beautiful children. (One of which we have the exciting prospect of meeting in FUCK!!! 3 months)
*A house. Not a new or big or fancy house. But these days I assured him any house is a rare treasure that not everyone can be lucky enough to have.
*A car. Again, it's not the Ford explorer he yearns for, but we paid for our car outright so had no pesky loans to worry about.
*Being in MUCH less debt than most. The way we're going we will be totally debt free in 5 years, tops. Pretty fuckin' impressive compared to most I would say!
*Healthy. A cliche that everyone in a depressive funk rolls their eyes at, but seriously, watching friends and family go through cancer, losing babies and all sorts of other health battles, we are very lucky to be healthy.

There were many more that I could have rattled off but I restrained myself, because I know first hand that when you feel like life is shit, the most annoying thing anyone can do is to try and guilt you into bucking up with a list of things you should be grateful for. And he agreed that he was happy with all those things, but still wanted something that he could build on and have hope for the future. I totally get this, but this isn't something that is that important for me. I LOVE having my own business, but it wasn't really something I always dreamed of. It appears this is suddenly very important to Ryota though? He says he doesn't want to be a normal Japanese salaryman working his whole life for someone else only to die with nothing but a measly pension to show for it. I can understand where this is coming from, but it's kind of like, 'ummmm so who is the foreigner in this relationship again??'

Anyway, to cut his before-30-long-crisis story short, I told him to either stop whinging and do something about it, or stop whinging and look forward to the pension when he turns 65. Either way is fine for me. I'm very quick to brush his crisis off, but who knows, maybe I'll go a bit mental about hitting the 30 mark too.

I'm wondering if this is a common thing? Did you go a bit screwy about turning 30? Or even worse, did your often-dickhead spouse go a bit mental and take it out on you? I'm conned only because the only thing worse than chonanitis, is a chonanitis having a life crisis...

Friday, 16 March 2012

Learning our A,B,C's...

We have A down, perfect! Done and dusted!

We're almost done with B, although it's a bit of a tricky bastard to be through with.

Dear God let's hope we don't make it to C.

Referring to the dreaded influenza that has plagued my son of course. Ash has been off kindy all this week with the flu, poor little bugger. It has been good practice for me to have to juggle a kid at home and still work though, it fucking blows!

So we've been busy with working, dodging the dreaded flu ourselves and shoving bum bullets up arses and whatnot.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and baby boy is healthy and kicking the shit out of me daily.

I'm so boring! Dog fucker hasn't even been annoying me lately, maybe it's the maternal glow that's making me a softy...

Few scats with Ryota, but nothing post-worthy.

Grandma has been very irritable lately, fighting with everyone, we had a tiff about taking Ash outside when he has the flu. I'm not so keen on him spreading his germs to the whole town, but the lovely Spring days we've been having have been too good of an oppourtunity to let pass without getting a bit of fresh air into his phlegm ridden lungs. Of course Grandma told me that I was a terrible mother for this and it would only make him worse. I went anyway, fuck it I know she's old but sometimes I just want to ring her wrinkly neck!
She also had a beef with MIL because she's booked tickets to Thailand for 2 weeks in June, she plans to come back just before my due date, which I really appreciate, but Grandma said she was selfish and that we need all the help we can get, she shouldn't be off being a floozy in Thailand. I felt bad for MIL then, I didn't want her to feel like she can't go on holiday, but then I realised Grandma was kind of right, when I'm about to pop I'm not sure I'll be able to do all the running around I still am now, but we'll manage somehow, I'll just have to suck up to dog-fucker for a bit.

Grandma also gave us random money as a present for buying our house, it was a fair chunk, I think she felt shown up because my parents gave us an extremely generous chunk and she didn't want to look like a tight arse compared to the foreigners. Nobody should feel obliged to give us anything, but all donations were very much appreciated anyway!

I'm hoping all this strange Grandma activity doesn't mean she's going to kick the bucket or anything... I don't have any funeral clothes that will fucking fit me anymore!

Friday, 9 March 2012


OK, REALLY need to get 'cunt' out of my title. Sorry, I wouldn't want you all to think I'd either a) gotten divorced, b) stabbed Ryota multiple times with a kitchen knife, or c) crumpled up in a heap on the floor and was still having a wee sob. No, all is fine, but March and April are incredibly busy months for me, so I've been distracted from twat husband antics with work.

Which brings me to today's dilemma. I'm busy, busier than I can handle at times and it stresses me the fuck out. I like being busy, but the work/home balance is hard for me and it's only getting harder this year, with more students than I can handle AND a new bouncing baby boy (did I mention it was a boy...? Can't remember...) gracing us with his noisy presence in June.

There are days that I seriously consider giving the school up, selling it, or just closing it, and being a stay at home mum. Now Ash is older, I actually think I might be able to do it, probably not enjoy it ALL the time, but be half-decent at it at least.
I even went as far as to make a pro/con list of working vs. not working. I discovered the main pros of quitting: I'd be a better mother and have less (or at least a different kind of) stress.
The cons: M-O-N-E-Y. That's pretty much all it comes down to. OK, and the fact that I'd be bored shitless a lot of the time, but pretty much just comes down to cash. I'm the better earner in our house so it really doesn't make sense for me to quit, but there are times when I feel a whole heap of pressure to keep my shit together, just this afternoon I felt like having a big cry when I looked at my schedule for this week and next: no days off for two weeks and the earliest finish of 7pm, usually 8pm. 7pm isn't that late (especially by J-standards) but when you have to factor getting dinner on the table, bathing your kid, and actually seeing him before bed time, it fucking sucks.

I think I'm just feeling pressure, cut off from anything but work, mummy guilt, and preggo hormones. Whatever it is that's making me feel this way, it fucking blows!

Again, I feel like it's unfair, women can never have it all, not without sacrificing something. As I see it, I have 3 options...So should I embrace my maternal instincts and scrimp and save to get by on one (crap) salary, throw myself into work and hope my kids survive without the need for a therapist before they hit their teens, or suck it up and keep this balancing act going...?

All opinions/experience with being a working parent are welcome!

Monday, 5 March 2012

Selfish cunt

Sorry for the title, but there are just no other words for it this morning!

'It' being my husband. Of course, who else would I be bitching about this early on a Monday morning?!

I don't think Ryota is a bad person, I don't think he's the kind that goes out of his way to be a dick to me or anyone else, but I think the old chonanitis and his upbringing with nobody questioning his way of handling things have just made it so he is totally oblivious to the way he handles situations. Which would be fine, except that if he is wronged or slighted in any way, we ALL know about it. This is the thing that annoys me, if you're sensitive about things being done to you, then fuckin think about every other bastard as well! Again though, this is a classic 'chonanitis symptom.'

Take this morning for example... Ryota took the day off, which I explained would help me out because from March I have an early start on Mondays and instead of dragging Ash out of bed kicking and screaming when I got up at 7, he could sleep a bit longer and Ryota could take him to kindy at about 9, when I'd already be at work. I went over this plan with Ryota at least 3 times, but he still asked me what time he should leave when I'd called them out of bed for the 3rd time at 8:30. I'd also slept in a bit so I grabbed a quick piece of toast and vegemite and multi-tasked, trying to keep the crumbs out of my eye shadow while fighting off a random attack of morning sickness? Monday sickness? I don't know but I really felt like I needed to vomit!
Today is rainy too, so Ryota enquired how he was supposed to get Ash to kindy. Now this itself annoys me, how the fuck do you think I get Ash to kindy every day of the week, rainy ones included?? Had he never thought about it?? So I explained that the lovely invention of the wheel comes in handy on rainy days when we use the car we are lucky enough to have to get Ash to kindy without getting soaking wet. He then asked me how he was supposed to get him to the car from our house (our car park is a few minutes walk away) and I said that I usually just walk with Ash and his umbrella but I know Ryota will never be arsed doing that so I told him to ask Grandma to keep Ash entertained for 5 minutes while he went and got the car. It's really not that hard, a pain in the arse, yes. But not fucking brain surgery.

So Ryota sat on the sofa with Ash with a stunned mullet kind of look on his face, taking in all the instructions his tiny brain had to absorb, such as before mentioned car duties, the clothes I'd laid out for Ash to wear today and the already packed kindy bag. He then asked me what he should give Ash for breakfast. And this is where I almost lose it, I'm running late, fucking use your half a brain cell you surely inherited from someone along the line and deal! He was probably still in shock from all the responsibility placed on his weary shoulders, I know, but fuck me!
I was working hard at biting my tongue getting my stuff together and getting ready to go when he went into the kitchen and made a sharp intake of breath noise like he'd just discovered a dead body tucked in the freezer. "What?!" I asked him in a panicky tone, to see him wiping a drop of coffee that I'd spilled on his gardening test booklet (another post right there). he glared at me like I'd just poured hot coffee on one of our children, and I said I was sorry, and I genuinely was, but I couldn't help thinking 'well, if you leave shit like that on the kitchen table... odds are...' I KNOW if that had been mine that's what he would have said, but in the interests of household peace on a Monday morning and for my blood pressure levels, I again apologised, but really just wanted to get out of the house.

Apparently that was the straw that broke the cunting camel's back, because as I was brushing my teeth, I heard him call the kindy and tell them that Ash would take the day off. Fine with me, but really, he caves under all the tumbling pressure that easily?? The house is a bomb site after weekend chaos too and I was wondering if I should ask him to clean up, but I know that would be met with a tirade of whinging that would NEVER let up, so I decided to leave it be and I'll do it on my lunch break or tomorrow when they're both out of the house. I'm also expecting numerous mails and phone calls until lunch time, along with the speech of how difficult Ash has been all morning and woe is fucking him when I get home. Something to look forward to!

The final incident? Literally as I was walking out the door and I said "OK I'm going, see you at 1!" you think he'd say something like, "OK, pregnant whale-like wifey, go for it, see you then!" but no. I got: "So I can go to the post office at 1 right?! I have no time to do what I want!" And i just wanted to get the coffee I was holding and fucking deck him over the head with it and collect the insurance. So I couldn't hide the fact I was pissed at that point and said "It was your decision to keep Ash home, don't go whining now! You can go to the post office at 1 when I come home, but can you go to the supermarket at the same time then?" A pretty reasonable request I thought.

I closed the door to: "OK, you can come with me!"

Ummmm what the fuck?! See if he was a normal person, the events of this morning would actually be a good learning curve, he might appreciate the shit I do EVERY single day while working, sometimes longer hours than him. But it's Ryota, and his chonanitis is way too advanced, he won't learn a thing, he'll just think that it was so unfair that his day off was ruined by all the jobs I made him do.

OK, feel better after blogging. Now if only I could stay at the school with my flask of coffee and students that aren't Ryota all day....