Ah fuck it

They suckered me in those seductive bitches with their delicate pink petals. (Obligatory boring pictures to follow...)Spring has lightened my mood considerably, although I'm not all sunshine and fucking birds chirping. I HATE pregnancy. But I fucking hate being pregnant in Japan, or more specifically, the fucking nurses at the maternity clinics. I would like to imagine that it's just my stuck-up clinic, but I've heard the same stories so many times. But today was actually a good turning point for me, where I got so angry that I hit a turning point of actually not giving a fuck.

So this is how it went, the doctor always sucks air in through his teeth and tells me I'm too fat, but nothing I can't handle, and he's quite nice about it. But the fucking nurses are awful! I've managed to dodge a few lectures up until now by refusing to go to the fucking 'nutrition seminars' they schedule for me. I had to bluntly tell them that unlike a lot of women who quit their job when they get engaged in this backward country, that I in fact have a job, one that I cannot afford to be away from hearing a nurse bang on about the importance of eating rice, fish and 14 varieties of pickles for breakfast. Ain't happenin' bitch.
But they tricked me today the sly cunts. They got me in a little room by telling me they needed to show me how to do exercise to turn the baby around (he's still breech at the moment). The nurse pissed me off from the very start by telling me the instructions on how to do the exercise in fast and hard Japanese for 10 minutes, before giving saying "Can you speak Japanese?" Ummm yes dumb fuck, that's why I've been nodding and responding to your instructions for the last 10 fucking minutes.
And then came the old fat bomb, she didn't mince words, which is fine, but then said, "So, do you think you can lose some weight...?" And she added a "kana...?" on the end which implies she's talking to a fucking 4 year old with a disability.

And it actually made me happy that she was such a fuck tard, because for the last 8 months I've actually really cared about putting on weight, I've cried about it, stressed about it and possibly developed depression over it. But it was then that I showed her just how much Japanese I could speak, it was quite an impressive rant, at least 2 minutes. I basically told her that I put on the same amount of weight with my first son, I intend to diet like a mother fucker once the kid is out and that seeing as though the bub is measuring smaller than normal, I feel fine, my blood work is fine and if I were in Australia nobody would give a fuck about my weight... That she didn't and shouldn't talk to me about it again. It felt good, she was a bit shocked, and then asked if my first birth was hard. To which I actually snorted and said that of course it fucking was, I don't know too many that aren't but I think it would have been fucking hard whether I was fat or not. And walked out, saying I had didn't need her 400 pieces of paper telling me what to eat, I didn't want to kill any more trees. It was kind of weird that I added that because I actually don't really give a toss about the trees, I just wanted something to say at the end...

I feel liberated and am hoping they don't say anything more to me about it, I'm sure she won't anyway.

Ok, less ranting, more flowers!

Cherry blossoms are shit.

You know, it may be the whole pregnancy depression funk I'm going through at the moment, but I'm getting zero fucking feeling from the old cherry blossoms. Now I usually find flowers as boring as all fuck. Pretty? Yes. Can we move along now? I'm not a gardener, I never will be despite my whole family having orgasms over a perfectly cut lawn or perfect row of pansies. (Ryota included) But cherry blossoms are pretty special because they are a barren, boring tree all year round and then for one week they just explode, and they are more than beautiful, how can they not be in all their pink sweetness. So cherry blossom time is the only time I really appreciate flowers properly. I always take photos and usually blow off something I should be doing to just go walk under the trees and get lost in all the petals. I think I cried when I saw the first blooms last year, just because there had been so much death and destruction and then finally the sign of new life and hope was starting. (And the fact that I'm an emotional dickhead who cries at pretty much anything...)

Of course there are always down sides to cherry blossoms, the hoards of people who ALL say the same fucking thing while snapping pictures with their phones a millimetre from the tree. "KIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It fucking drives me insane, but if you can't beat em, join em, I usually just join in the chorus of stupidity to fit in. But other than that, the blossoms bring a good atmosphere, people are outside, in the fresh air, and usually drinking some kind of alcoholic beverage to enhance the beauty of not only the trees, but the girl next to them who they may or may not end up shagging that night. Lovely.

This year? Not feeling it. It's cold for one thing, I don't want to freeze my tits off, it's supposed to be Spring, not a Winter revival, so I can't really feel it while I'm cold. And I just don't feel the same as I usually do... I guess this is because I feel crappy about myself, I can't find beauty in anything else either?? Amateur psychiatrists; go for your life!

In other self-image news, I've stopped eating dinner in a bid to curb my over-sized arse. It makes me as grumpy as fuck but it forces me to bed earlier so it's kind of working for me! I figure I have enough fat stored to last the rest of my pregnancy anyway...

So I hope you are getting more pleasure out of the cherry blossoms than me, I'll dust my camera off tomorrow and give it one more try!

Great expectations

I'm not sure if modern women are spoiled by crappy Hollywood movies, but I'm beginning to think our expectations of men, and of life in general are WAY too high.

Of course this expectation goes straight out the window when it comes to Japanese men, it's a whole new ball game. So I have to wonder, when the mix of high, unrealistic expetations and the whacky Japanese sexist society clash, where does that leave us poor bastards in the middle?

My relationships (or things that could be classed as) have been few and never really what you could call healthy. I sometimes find my mind wandering back to my ex-boyfriend, the most serious apart from Ryochan, and comparing him to my current relationship. Would he be different or act differently because he's not Japanese or simply because he's a different person? Would I be happier with a Western guy than a Japanese one or would I just compare them to Japanese guys and it would all go back and forth. I can't imagine myself with a 'conventional' J-guy, as in workaholic salaryman, but is that just because I'm used to Ryota in his kinda Japanese but mostly weird Westen mixed ways...?

Marriage is a tricky fucker, possibly the hardest part of my life to maintain order, but I remember being single, freshly dumped by my ex-boyfriend and having the fear that I'd never be loved again, I'd be alone, for the rest of my life. Now that I'm never alone, I kind of wish I hadn't taken that single time for granted, wasting the days away with thoughts of: 'Why me?? Why am I destined to be alone!?' Twat I was! Imagine if I was single, I could work without guilt...work out until I puked my guts out without worrying if dinner was prepared or not... Go drinking and screw random hot men... Not have my body taken over by a freakin baby!
And of course there's the flip side, I wouldn't have a little boy pat my belly at night and say "Good night baby...."

 Meh, I could live without the cuteness. Just kidding! But not really...

My life is always going to be full of doubts, regrets and what ifs, anyone who says they have no regrets are either kidding themselves, on some really good drugs, or are much better people than me. I have so many regrets I've lost count, but if we never regretted anything we'd never learn anything, or some shit, right?

Tomorrow marks 7 years ago that I came to Japan, in that 7 years I've managed to drink more alcohol than I care to put a measure on, shagged my way through numerous nationalities, had fights, seen amazing things, fallen asleep in parks, acquired many friends, lost most of them along the way, wound up with a house, car, a husband who I still manage to struggle through with, one and a half kids, a cat and two fish and can safely say that I would never have imagined it this way when I first stepped off the plane. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but the one thing I don't regeret, is having the regrets and disappointments that I've had, they've made for an interesting 7 years if nothing else. Happy Japanniversary to me!

Dear God help me.

For I forgot. I forgot that every year, at the beginning of April, Ryota has a fuck off long holiday. As in he's off from April 1st-12th. Off as in AT HOME. As in in my vicinity 24 fucking 7! Ummmm does the city not care enough for their workers to know that by giving them this ridiculous holiday will surely lead to attempted murder by crazy hormonal pregnant gaijin wife?! And it's not even a holiday! They don't get paid for it, so it's just 12 days of pure hell with negative financial outcome!

Today is day 1 and we didn't do too badly, it's a good thing I'm quite busy, or we'd be seriously fucked. I did have to vacuum around him, there's a little pile of crumbs in the shape of his bum. And he watched a movie while I prepared dinner that I won't be home in time for because I'll be working, but honestly I prefer it that way, nothing worse than a big annoying man faffing around in the kitchen fucking up your schedule. He's on his best behaviour because we went in to the city today and got him a pair of 35,000 yen sunglasses, I figured 1000 yen for each year of his life wasn't too bad for a 30th birthday present, so I forked out and watched him beam like a little kid who just got ice cream.

Tomorrow, who knows? I'm making him tile the genkan to keep him busy and relatively out of the way but fuck me, how am I going to get through it!?

This is why I stay

Ryota is such a fucking shitty husband sometimes. I might even go as far as saying he's a shitty person, he is notorious for being difficult to get along with in his family and among his friends. And the amount of bitching I do about him, I'm sure you probably think I'm soft in the head for putting up with it and staying. And you know to be honest, sometimes I wonder how much I can take until I kill him off for the insurance money or just flee the country!

But after my last post, I was feeling REALLY shitty, and it wasn't for an hour or so, it was a constant feeling of wanting to cry. It's rare for me to feel like this for extended periods of time so I started googling depression during pregnancy, and sure enough, it's pretty common, just due to hormones. There was a special mention that if you have something that would be stressing you out normally, it is likely to be 10 times worse when you're pregnant, just because the prospect of stress on top of the whole responsibility of bringing a new life into the world can be way too much for a woman with stupid amounts of hormones running through her. So the school is my stress trigger it would seem. And I don't want it to be, because I love it and am so proud of it. It is still a huge weight on my mind but I'm trying techniques to not let it get to me so much that I'm battling depression because of it.

So that night when I got home, I was completely honest with Ryota, I said I wasn't coping, I was sorry because I was going to be quite difficult for the immediate future at least, and that I needed to cry and not be quizzed on why I was crying. He took it all in, fiddled with his whiskers as he does and then started singing some ridiculous song about his "mendokusai wife" in a high-pitched voice. He let me be though, and started googling pregnancy depression in Japanese. That night when we went to bed I was still so down and after Ash had gone to sleep and I was having a bit of a futon sob, he came out with:"I know what the problem is, you're horny!!!" Only to pull the covers off to reveal that he'd totally stripped off! This made me giggle a bit too, but I explained that sadly a shag wasn't going to solve everything. And it didn't. Didn't make matters worse mind you... I did actually feel a bit better after some good old fashioned lovin'!

The next day he woke up early and I came down to find him planning... our wedding.

I know, what the fuck? He told me he'd made a plan to have our wedding along with my 30th birthday at my favourite restaurant in my hometown and was looking up prices... Now this is totally another 'Ryota pipe dream' that I assure you will never happen, but it was his way of thinking of how to cheer me up and by giving me something to look forward to. (I'm sure it was a tip from the internet, but still!)

He really is an arse a lot of the time, but I guess that's the thing about figuring out the people we're close to, not everyone does it in the conventional way. And I'm kind of glad he's not conventional, keeps life interesting at least!

Survived! Well, he did...

Well, the clock ticked over and Ryota turned 30 without turning into a pumpkin. Still whinged a bit, but nothing too extreme compared to the outbursts earlier in the week. He did apologise for them when it got so bad I just ended up in tears not wanting to open my mouth for fear of setting him off.


Turns out the one who had the melt down was me!

I hate blaming things on hormones, because really that's just something that women do when they're being bitchy, but I think pregnancy hormones are the exception. Fuuuuck me. Can I just stop and say as well, if you're thinking that pregnancy is all glowing and miracle of cunting life, then please, I beg you, save yourself the rude shock and get one of those birth control implants. Those fuckers ensure you don't get pregnant for at least 3 years, I'm already looking into them... OK, maybe it's different for others, but I HATE being pregnant. You get fat, your body is taken over by a vitamin-sucking parasite that will turn into a living, breathing, soul-sucking parasite in baby-form, you can't drink, and you cry at random fucking moments. Very inconvenient!

Right, now that's out of my system, my Friday melt down... I had 3 days off last week. Rare for me but I've devised a new system at the school that means I actually get time off and I'm really glad I did. One year of working with a few days off in summer and winter was hell last year, this year will be tough, but at least I know I have a few random days off every month. So I decided to get a hair cut. I haven't had one since my birthday and my roots are really bad, not that noticeable because my hair is closer to my natural colour, but enough for me to feel like a skanky crack whore every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. So I booked in to the place in the city where I went last time. I knew they could deal with light/curly hair because the salon has a regular rush of foreign hostess' going in to get their hair done. I felt slightly out of place last time I was there, especially when they gave me a Russian magazine until I asked for an English one.
 And so Friday morning came. And I had nothing else to do that day... I dropped Ash off at kindy with only a slight pang of guilt that I didn't actually have to work that day. And then, I cancelled my appointment and cried for a good hour under the fucking kotatsu...

What the fuck is wrong with me?! My reasoning? It was raining, the place was too far, but more than that, I am so fucking fat and ugly at the moment that it would be a waste of fucking money to get pretty hair.

And the sad thing? It's SO fucking true. I'm fucking horribly fat, and please, no comments of "You're not fat, you're pregnant!" Because it's simply not the case, I've put on way too much weight, and it's nobodies fault but my own, which makes me even more angry with myself. I also have awful pimples this pregnancy around, which makes me want to jump off a bridge every time I put make-up on to try and conceal the horror movie character that has become my face. I feel the worst I have possibly ever felt, and I feel kind of bad for Ryota because living with me can't be easy at this mopey time, but he honestly doesn't help matters much. I really miss... kindness in a relationship. He doesn't outright insult me, but he doesn't go out of his way to make me feel especially good either. I'll save that issue for another time though. I think it's the general fucked-up-ness of being pregnant, added on to the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my school after the baby is actually born. It stresses me out to the point of scariness actually, I feel like I have very few options and no solution in sight, finding staff to cover random shifts is much harder than it appears, but according to Ryota I should just gaman and go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. Fuck, now I feel like crying and I have to teach 3 lessons in a row.

Fuck it, shouldn't have blogged!

The big 3-0.

Not me, that will be me next year, but this week, Ryochan turns 30. I'm kind of looking forward to 30, or at the very most it will be a kind of 'meh, another number' kind of birthday, which is what I would expect of most men, especially J-men where 30 isn't really a big birthday, but Ryota is FREAKING OUT, more than I realised I think. And whatever, we're all entitled to a freak out now and then, but considering I'm the only one he's freaking out to, it's kind of hard to know how to deal with.
It started yesterday with him having a day by himself, I'm not sure what he did, watched movies, pissed about on the computer, took the kotatsu futon to the cleaners, (HUGE good husband points there, I HATE doing that shit!) and you know, contemplated the fact that... his life had amounted... TO NOTHING. *cue dramatic music*

I actually had a bit of a giggle when he said this, (definitely not the best way to handle things I'm sure) but really, for one, 30 does not signify the end of you life. Now 50 or 60, yeah it's getting closer to the edge of that end of business, but 30?! Surely not!
I then realised he was completely serious, so I asked him to clarify what he meant and after a few minutes of thinking and a few taps at the Jap-Eng dictionary, he came out with; "I have no foundation."
Again, I needed clarification, but instead of pushing to find out what he really wanted to spit out, I decided to point out the things that he had that were very good in his life, here was my list:

*First and foremost, an amazing wife! (OK probably wasn't the best one to start with...)
*Two beautiful children. (One of which we have the exciting prospect of meeting in FUCK!!! 3 months)
*A house. Not a new or big or fancy house. But these days I assured him any house is a rare treasure that not everyone can be lucky enough to have.
*A car. Again, it's not the Ford explorer he yearns for, but we paid for our car outright so had no pesky loans to worry about.
*Being in MUCH less debt than most. The way we're going we will be totally debt free in 5 years, tops. Pretty fuckin' impressive compared to most I would say!
*Healthy. A cliche that everyone in a depressive funk rolls their eyes at, but seriously, watching friends and family go through cancer, losing babies and all sorts of other health battles, we are very lucky to be healthy.

There were many more that I could have rattled off but I restrained myself, because I know first hand that when you feel like life is shit, the most annoying thing anyone can do is to try and guilt you into bucking up with a list of things you should be grateful for. And he agreed that he was happy with all those things, but still wanted something that he could build on and have hope for the future. I totally get this, but this isn't something that is that important for me. I LOVE having my own business, but it wasn't really something I always dreamed of. It appears this is suddenly very important to Ryota though? He says he doesn't want to be a normal Japanese salaryman working his whole life for someone else only to die with nothing but a measly pension to show for it. I can understand where this is coming from, but it's kind of like, 'ummmm so who is the foreigner in this relationship again??'

Anyway, to cut his before-30-long-crisis story short, I told him to either stop whinging and do something about it, or stop whinging and look forward to the pension when he turns 65. Either way is fine for me. I'm very quick to brush his crisis off, but who knows, maybe I'll go a bit mental about hitting the 30 mark too.

I'm wondering if this is a common thing? Did you go a bit screwy about turning 30? Or even worse, did your often-dickhead spouse go a bit mental and take it out on you? I'm conned only because the only thing worse than chonanitis, is a chonanitis having a life crisis...