Monday 10 August 2009

Strange encounters of the random talker kind.

I'm going to say that the number of weird people randomly talking to me has been cut by about 80% since I had a stroller surgically attached to my hands.

Before babydom hit me I regularly would have Japanese people coming and talking to me for a variety of things, and hey, I'm friendly, I didn't really mind. Well, usually anyway. Here are a few experiences I've had with random talkers:

* The English whores- Correction, I'm the English whore, they're the customer sucking as much free English out of me as possible. Some people get really annoyed with the English suckers, but to be honest I didn't mind them that much. By far the most common random talkers.

* The travellers- These are the ones who may or may not speak English but love travelling and want to know where you are from then tell you how much they enjoyed Cairns when they went to Australia.

* The stalkers- The ones who want to keep talking (and following you) , even when the train ride is over.

* The pissheads- Usually drunk salary men who want to slobber all over you and clink glasses 50 zillion times.

* The nervous nellies- Usually beginners studying English who are still apprehensive about the whole foreigner deal, they are often quite funny though, the best was a guy I encountered in an elevator at the gym once, the covo went like this

Him: (Looking at me nervously obviously wanting to talk)
Me: (Accepting this and taking my earphones out to give the poor bugger the chance)
Him: Errr, ummmm, eeeettttoooo.... WHAT ARE YOU!?
Me: Human? Do you mean, 'Where are you from?'
Him: (With very red face) Yes! YES! WHERE ARE YOU???!!!

*The sickos- OK, this is the show stopper. And keep in mind this didn't happen to a friend of a friend of mine, this happened to me, straight from the horse's mouth people!
OK, Came home one night to my 3rd floor apartment, the 1st floor is a snack bar so drunk men in loveless marriages stumbling out at all hours wasn't uncommon. But this was about 9pm, on a school night.
So I walk in the entrance and he stumbles out and calls out "Hey, gaijin-san!" I was sooooo not in the mood for talking so said good evening and kept walking, but he persisted, saying something like he wanted to learn English. I just kept going fobbing him off and by this time was half-way up the first flight of stairs.
Now let's also remember I was wasn't in my sexy french maid's uniform or anything remotely skanky hoe like, it was a boring black suit, straight from work. Anyway, I turn around and the dirty little man had his cock out and was wanking!!!!
Ewwww times a million!!! I was so disgusted I started running up the stairs but in the panic lost my shoe. Now I know it's only a shoe, but they were my favourite work shoes that cost about $150, I didn't want to risk the shiny leather getting jizzed all over and me having to retrieve it in the morning. So I rescued the shoe which brought me closer to wanky boy.
He was really going for it by that point and as I started to flee up the stairs again he was like, "Wait! Wait! I'm close I'm close!!" Times that other Ewww by another million by the way.
I got inside my apartment quicker than I ever had before (lucky I'd lost my key and just flung the door open) and slammed it shut but he was still out there.
Long, horrible peep hole story short, he came all over my door. Now there's a doosey for you, now you too can tell your friends that your friend had a dirty Japanese perve jizz all over her door.

But that was before.

I am no longer the young, single foreign girl who more than likely didn't speak a word of Japanese. I am now the mother who probably speaks Japanese becasue she's obviously married to a Japanese bloke and popped out his kid.

Now the random talkers have been cut by 80% but the baby fawning obachans have increased 300%. I cannot go anywhere without someone giving Ash a "Kaaawwwaaaaiiiii!!!!!!" and fat roll pinch. Not that I care, although I am a little worried his first word won't be "Mummy" or "Daddy" but "Kaaaaawwwwwwwaaaaaiiiii!!!"

The reason I was thinknig about all this though, I got a random talker on Saturday. Well, random, but he's heard about me through the hood gossip grapevine. He's an old sweaty fat dude on a bike, Ryota thinks he's a pedophile though, he used to go and watch the kids play soccer (he has no kids). He passed me with a long stare but I'm kind of used to that by now. He did a U-turn and walked with me for a good 10 minutes, this is how it went: (All in Japanese)

Sweaty bike dude- Play guitar! Play guitar! (Making wild air guitar gesture)
Me- .......
S.B.D- Your husband plays guitar and went to America!
Me- Ahhh, yes, he does, he did...
S.B.D- I live near a petrol station, the petrol is very cheap, no really!
Me- Oh, really.
S.B.D- I've heard about you from other people and I I've seen you before but I wasn't sure if it was you.
Me- Oh, really.
S.B.D- I had an accident.
Me- Oh, really....

His random ramblings went on for a while longer until we got to the point where I had to go down a very steep hill and I think he knew he wouldn't be able to drag his sweaty arse back up it so he did another U-turn and was back on his way. I couldn't tell him to bugger off becasue he vaguely knew us but I just had no idea what to say. I'm guessing the accident comment explained his bizarreness a bit.

It had been a while since a random though, kind of enjoyed the weirdness.

I have a collection of weird English/ bizarre Japanese T-shirts, got this one the other day, and I think it's quite fitting, now if only Japanese people could read, understand and follow the directions....


  1. ewwww, that story of the guy and your door is just disgusting! The shoe incident is all too Cinderella-esque but shame he wasnt Prince Charming at all!!!! I have had my fair share of unfortunate stories when I lived in Shinjuku for 5 years just a stones throw away from Shinjuku Station and Kabuki-cho, the sin capital of Japan! Too many to repeat I am afraid!!!:(
    Love the shirt girl, and damn you are looking really good! Must be all that running you are doing! Hope u guys arent having issues with all this rain!!!

  2. funny! love the pissheads...unless they turn into a sicko. poor you! and your poor door!!

    sweaty bike dude must be rather touched in the head, poor guy...

  3. omg?! now THAT is a story... I can't believe he finished all over your door... TOTALLY gross!!!

    I hate random talkers - you are a nicer person than I for humoring them lol. I am preparing myself for the creepy crazy baa-chans though...

    Of course Ash is adorable so I can see why it would be hard to resist him ;)

  4. lots of freaks in big cities! In Tokyo I used to them all the time. The funniest time was when this old guy wanted to take a picture of me on his keitai. I stupidly said yes just to get rid of him, then a few weeks later the same thing happend to my friend and he showed her a picture of me! Pretty crazy that we met the same freaky guy in a city as big as Tokyo, huh! I once had a guy stalk me in a book shop too, that was pretty funny! Love your shirt! You need one that just says "don't talk to me" -Katie

  5. hi, I started reading your blog recently, first time to comment :)
    You had me lmao at all the bizarre experiences youve had..natsukashiii..same kinda stuff happened to me when I lived in Osaka..(cept for the wanker one) as I was reading along I was thinking, she`s gonna kick him where it hurts..(fab if it had happened that way! payback!) but glad you didn`t get hurt.

    As for sweaty guy, maybe a little shougai ka na....

  6. I was like haha haha then ha..HAAAAAA! GROOOOSSSS! ! I would have called the police (just to have them clean the door lol)

    People don't talk to you but about you now you are some kind of celebrity ^^

  7. OMG that door guy was so gross! Both times I've been to Japan, I've had all kinds of random ppl talk to me but then other ppl say that never happens to them. We had a guy come up to us and ask to take a photo and never even thought to ask why! Still nothing on the door wanking man though. What can you do though -- if you'd started screaming at him, he'd have prolly loved it! Although the french maid outfit might have appealed to him less.

  8. Ewww.. I have come across random public "wankers" in the weirdest places. Only in Japan.. I noticed the drop in weirdoes as well after I had Joey. I quite enjoyed it although the "kawaii" thing was irritating. Joey thought his name was "kawaii" for quite a while as would turn and look when people said that but wouldn't respond to Joey! :-( One of the things I like most about life in London is that we blend in and when people stop me to talk to me it is because they fancy me not because I am an object of interest! :-) Doesn't stop me missing Japan though so it just goes to show you that you are never truly happy wherever you are! LOL!

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  10. Finally! I have a reason to have a baby. Ta!

    (P.S.: previous comment deleted, just wanted to correct a typo because I can't leave them alone *starts itching elbow and making shifty eyes*, but I couldn't edit it.)

  11. First time to comment too. Can't believe the wanker guy story - poor you!

    Love the t-shirt and your blog!