Beat

Defeated. Failed. Out. Down. Done.

Those words pretty much sum up my feelings right now!
Wow, I’m going for gold with the whiny, depressing posts lately, must insert cute photos to brighten this one up too!

So.

The most recent episode that leads me to believe I want to get as far away from the person I share a life with, all has to do with our car… shaken.. registration?? That thingy where someone checks the car to see if it still works and then gives you a piece of paper that says this. You know what I mean.
The last sentence actually demonstrates my point very well: I know NOTHING and don’t really want to know anything, about cars. I can drive one, I like pretty ones, big ones scare me… That’s pretty much as far as my knowledge of cars goes, call me old fashioned but cars are for males, (although I do know how to put water and oil in and pump up the tires, so not totally useless.) So when we forgot to get our little car done, (it’s every 2 years in Japan) it was left up to me to take it in, walk home in the blazing heat, approve any shit that needed fixing, walk back in the fucking heat to get the damn thing, pay, and drive home. Sounds relatively simple, except this was not in my first language, plus car language is totally foreign to me anyway, so it was in my 3rd language!

I’m not a total idiot, (despite what Ryota has to say on the matter) so when the little car shop man called me up and in extremely fast and difficult Japanese tried to flog me a new battery and brake pads, I told him I didn’t need anything that wasn’t essential to passing the car checky thingy. I actually said to him “My husband will be angry with me if I get anything non-essential!” Which shows just how much of a fucking arse Ryota is, I knew he’d be pissed even before he’d started yelling at me!
I was proud of myself as I’m actually a sucker for a good sales pitch even when it’s not in my first language and anyone who lives in a country where the language isn’t their own, will attest to that marvelous tactic of just agreeing even when you don’t understand what someone is saying so you can get the fuck out of that conversation quick smart. So all things considered, I think I did well.

Fast forward to 6pm when my darling husband comes home and demands a report on the car. How much did it cost? What did they do? Did they fix the noise?
No ‘thanks for doing that’ mind you, just the questions. So I answered all calmly as I fixed the fucker’s dinner and all was fine until we got to the part where I said “Oh yeah and they changed the oil and the element…”
You would have thought that I’d just told him I was a war criminal the way he reacted seriously, it can’t be described, but he basically said, “Oh my god how could you be so fucking stupid, we didn’t need the oil changing!” And it wasn’t just a side comment, it was a big fucking deal, he was ready to get in to a big fight over it. But I didn’t bite, I just crumbled. Folded under the sheer weight of disappointment and sadness and the feeling that I will always be a failure in his eyes no matter how hard I tried. And so I cried, big, fat tears ran down my face until I just put my head in my hands and sobbed. This of course made him more angry and he started on a rant about crying under pressure and not doing anything right. I had to get away from him so I took the opportunity to go and get Ash who was making his way out the door in my shoes flip flopping around saying “outside!” As I went outside and the cool air hit my face, he looked up at me with that little worried look and said “Mummy?” because he knew I was crying, so I scooped him up and he gave me a big cuddle. It was at this point that both Grandma and Ryota came outside, Grandma to see who was crying uncontrollably, and Ryota to tell me to get inside and stop embarrassing myself/him. Grandma asked him why I was crying and he said “I’m angry because she fucked up the car check!”
I was quite prepared then for Grandma to either make a sucking noise with her teeth and ignore us, or take his side, but huge respect to Grandma, because fuck me she took mine. I believe she said “You idiot why are you angry over something so small as a car check!? Do it yourself next time, it’s not a woman’s job anyway!”
And fuck me she said it better than I ever could have. I later learned that after she found out that it was only the oil change (about 2000 yen) that he was so worked up about she told Ryota that he needed to check-in to the mental hospital if he gets angry at something so tiny.

The next day Ryota apologized and said that he didn’t know why he was getting angry so easily, maybe because of quitting smoking. But you know what, that excuse just doesn’t cut it every single time, he was the dumb fuck who was stupid enough to start sucking on cancer sticks in the first place, why should I have to deal with the consequences of him quitting??

This was last week and he’s been quite nice to me since. This doesn’t help me to forget though.