1) Ipads and beer and blogging = no mixy!
No ,not really, I was pissed, but not that pissed. It was kind of fun writing EXACTLY what was going on in the moment!
2) Whining makes me feel like a big baby afterwards.
My problems are fucking minuscule compared to others, so whinging is good to cleanse the soul and all, but I really should just give myself an uppercut and move on with life instead of being a big moaning fuckwit.
3) I HATE my father-in-law when he's drunk.
He sways and spits and makes derogatory comments about my family and then tries to fucking come on to my mum. I almost fucking vomited all over his white carpet. I don't love him when he's sober but really don't like him when he's pissed!
4) Comments make me wee a little bit with appreciation and excitement!
OK, gross, not really. But thank you for all the lovely comments of advice, support, comfort and the rest!
5) Drunken blogging doesn't change my position.
I thought that I might not feel the same way the next morning, but I still do. Not as strong and not as hate filled, but still there. Although you know when you drink and get all emotional, then after the emotional stage comes the philosophical stage?? I got to thinking, maybe all married people fucking hate each other, and a successful marriage is just tolerating the other person, or finding a way to block out how much you actually can't stand them...? Maybe I have an unrealistic view of what a marriage should be and should just stick with it, get a hobby, possibly a boyfriend, and go on with my life...?
All things to ponder! One good thing did happen at the BBQ among all the shit things, it's a fantastic twist of karma-laced fate and it makes me smile just thinking about it. Will have to wait till tomorrow when I have a break from filling young minds with English though!
I will freely admit I don't really have any experience on the subject, but I feel like in a successful marriage yeah there are gonna be ups and downs, both parties are going to be attracted to each other, there may even be some cheating - but the couple talks or yells it out, keeps moving forward. It sounds like you've been saying the same things to your husband over & over, and he doesn't do his part to move forward.
ReplyDeleteAnyway - best of luck, and I'm sorry things turned out so difficult. But at least you've got a conclusion and you can move toward it.
As someone who stuck it out for sixteen years slowly dying on the inside, my advice would be to follow your instincts.
ReplyDeleteA relationship should be filled with passion, fire and growth. If it feels like you're banging your head against a wall, then call it a day.
Having said all that "I'm not a therapist so any advice is irrelevant."
Good luck xx
I've been with my husband for the past 9 years, and I can say that I never feel like I "hate" him. That being said...relationships aren't like those in Disney movies....everyone is different though, and I hope that you find what's best for you... :)
ReplyDelete"As someone who stuck it out for sixteen years slowly dying on the inside, my advice would be to follow your instincts.
ReplyDeleteA relationship should be filled with passion, fire and growth. If it feels like you're banging your head against a wall, then call it a day."
Since I cannot say it any better than the 2nd part...I'll just copy and paste.
Just saw a DVD called "My Sisters keeper" and it was humbling. You need a check-up from the neck-up. You KNOW
(maybe all married people fucking hate each other, and a successful marriage is just tolerating the other person,) is bullshit soi don't even play the dumb chick role. Your too smart. KatieP nailed it. It should be filled with passion and growth. You should make each other better people by support and communication.
If you decide to put up with now than that's your choice. Can you envision looking back after 16 years and saying you were slowly dying the whole time? If so you better think long and hard about how long you can put up with it being hard...just the living happy and enjoying life.
"If you decide to put up with now than that's your choice. Can you envision looking back after 16 years and saying you were slowly dying the whole time? If so you better think long and hard about how long you can put up with it being hard...just the living happy and enjoying life. "
ReplyDeleteIt takes a long time to get back the bits that die when you are in a horrible relationship, even a short one. I can't even fathom 16 years feeling that way, 3 years was enough for me and even that was about 2.5 years too long.
Relationships aren't easy. There are always going to be moments when you think your other half is an arsehole but when the moments that you feel that way take over percentage-wise THAT is when you need to take a serious look at whether it is worthwhile trying to make something work. Especially if you are feeling hate, that is never a good sign. Sounds to me like you are doing all the work and the wanting to change things whereas R is just being an arsehole.
It's all very hard and the only person who can know what they want in the longterm is you. We all deserve love, passion and happily ever after, even if that happily ever after is only 95% of the time. (As let's face it, nobody's perfect!!)
Marriage isn't that complicated really. I wouldn't even have married at all if he hadn't had health insurance and I really needed health insurance. It's just a piece of paper. But my hubby and I were friends since we were 7 years old so it's a different story than most people I suppose.
ReplyDeleteBasically, hubby and I have had times we've hated each other. I mean, severely despised the other person. I've wished him dead. He's stated he hated my guts. In the end though, we are just close friends and lovers so we fight and then move on. In the end, we only have each other and no one else in the whole world understands the other person as well as we do each other. If I fight and put up with the arse-hole-ery, and realize that in fact this person just isn't my best friend in the whole world, then it's time to move on.
I am under no delusions that what we have is categorized by most people as "normal." It works for us though. I know these truths though---if I die before him, he will not be able to live without me and If he dies before me, I will be the loneliest person in the universe. Only he knows me so perfectly. Only he makes me laugh and cry and worry and hate and dance.
I wish you lots of happiness! So, find it in marriage, or in a divorce or in motherhood but just find it.
I think your husband sounds like a jackass most of the time and I'm rather glad to see that you're divorcing him. He doesn't sound like he appreciates you, your hard work, or your dedication and his family sound equally crazy.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been reading your blog THAT long though and I may have missed a few things.
Fire and growth - those are recognizable as vital parts of this thing called life.
ReplyDeleteRelationships...the urge to give the hands a rest and just listen to what other people have to say overrides everything else.
Marriage with children (crucial difference!) can cause all sorts of craziness and emotions to come up, especially for those marrying in their 20s who don't even know who they are themselves.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, this isn't just about your "relationship" with him and it hasn't been from day one(having been in the exact same situation!!). But anyway, let's take it as if it is a relationship between "just" two people: sometimes there might even be periods when you really don't enjoy the others company, maybe even outright despise their lack of consideration. But you should still be able to look forward to the person knowing and understanding you more than anyone else, and crucially you should be on the same path long-term path in terms of growing together.
Life is complex enough as it is and add in two people's destinies and personalities and it can pull you apart. Couples need to check in with each other and make sure that that isn't happening. What do you want out of life? What does he want out of life? How can you pursue them together? Does he even think about those sorts of things? Do you? Couples in the modern age should be able to enable each other's personal growth and enjoyment.
Things might be hard in the short-term but if you can answer those questions then you still have things to look forward to I feel. If not then a correction of some kind is in order. The correction can be the D word, but I wonder, have you given him an ultimatum? Something along the lines of "fucking listen, this is serious shit and I'm not fucking around...here is what I want, take it or leave it - it's your choice". Just remember, he has more to lose than you do. Some people are just critically dumb emotionally and don't realise it. Especially men. The romantics may suggest one should never have to threaten the "nuclear option" and if you are at the point of thinking about it, then all is already lost. I'm not so sure though. Probably - but maybe not. And as Dr Strangelove/Peter Sellers once said "the whole point of the Doomsday Machine is lost if you keep it a secret."
Anyway, good luck :-) I should get back to work - I'm a researcher not a counsellor so buyer beware :-p
What is your situation regarding custody? I understand Japan has quite old fashioned ideas about who gets the kids, is that so? If you do decide to go it may have to be a 'moonlight flit'. That said it seems as if you have made some pretty spur of the moment decisions in your life up until now but this is the'BIGGIE' so take your time. All the best.
ReplyDeleteThe court in Japan will almost always give custody to the mother; however there is also the option of going back to Australia and going through the family court there. I think it would be constructive to at least talk to your husband about your feelings and perhaps even get some marriage counselling and keep it on record. Japan hasn't signed properly to the Hague convention on child abductions, so there isn't much stopping you from taking your child back to Australia; however having some sort of evidence proving that you tried reconciling would be good for the Australian court system. Obviously a lawyer would be the best person to speak to.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, the idea of funneling some cash away is a good idea. Even if you never have to use it, it gives you power and also something to work towards, to take your mind of any emotional pain you may be feeling. Do you still have any accounts open in Australia? Cook the books a bit at the school and transfer it to Australia if you can.
Also, can you talk to your family about these type of things? If not your parents, maybe a sibling. If that is impossible a best mate or something like that? It would be good to have someone in the know, so you have a representative to explain things for you in the future and who can also vouch for the time and effort spent by you and the situation you are in.
I have never met you, but you sound like a top chick, so don't fall for this bullshit about 'putting up' with a marriage. There are tons of people who do it here, but it is bullshit. Think of you and your son's happiness and remember that you only live once! Learn from your mistakes and be happy when you croak it one day that you did your best in life.
We are all here for you anyway, for example I imagine a fair few people here would be willing to chip in to get you an emergency plane ticket home or something like that. Let us know if you need anything.
PS: I am pretty sure I went to the same uni as you, making it a very small world.(UOW)
i'm glad you posted again - relatively quickly after Sunday night - i was worried about you. all the above posters have given top notch "how to" advice, stuff that i can't give - but mate, seriously, have you ever shown him this blog? does he truly know you are thinking these things? would he fight harder to save your marriage if he did? not trying to set the cat amongst the pigeons... love xxx
ReplyDeleteI've been married to my second husband for 15 years, together for 17. We have 3 children together (the first one from the asshole) and we're pretty damn happy.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? In a very short time after I left my abusive first husband, I went through a quick series of very nice but very ridiculous men (I was 20) and made a decision that I am /positive/ is what made me the right decision with my husband.
Never. Settle.
Also I would suggest finding a man whilst doing something you enjoy - so that you're actual friends with stuff in common who have something to talk about. Meeting men at bars just isn't the way to go. Wrong angle. Its why so many people get divorced or end up hating the other person. They aren't even friends. They have nothing of similar interests to talk about. They don't even really respect or like the other person. It's a downhill slide after that.
You'll be ok Corinne. Someone with as much sass and verve as you can only do well. You're wicked smart and full of love and passion. You will be ok. :)
What a time to delurk, eh? Sorry, frequent reader but lousy commenter. One thing I've found with my Japanese husband is that there are some things he just doesn't hear/get if it's coming from me, but is very receptive to when it's coming from a peer, namely, one of his male friends. Does yours have a male friend he trusts? Not ideal, perhaps, but he really needs to understand what's going on in your heart and head.They can be pretty clueless at times, although I think that's because of the male genes, not the Japanese ones!
ReplyDeleteFloria in Tokyo
Here's some more unsolicited advice for you!
ReplyDeleteIf you have time, I find writing down a list always helps. In this case, it might be a list of reasons to stay with him, reasons to separate but to stay in Japan, reasons to move back to Austalia, etc. That isn't to say that the longest list of pros should influence your decision, but it always helped me put things into perspective.
This blog must help with this, but I also finds it necessary to write down what I'm feeling when I get into a fight or have a bad day. Although it might sound to some men like ammunition for a fight, in reality, re-reading over past journal entries and realizing how unhappy I was got me out of a few bad relationships. Maybe if you re-read this blog, it might give you some insight for the future.
In any case, you seem very capable, regardless of what the outcome is. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad person, but he might be a bad person for you. Trust me as someone who was raised to believe divorce was forbidden--the worst-case scenario is not having divorced parents, but rather parents who lack respect for each other, and cause their kids to walk on eggshells for fear of starting a yelling match.
Best luck,
Sharina
"I got to thinking, maybe all married people fucking hate each other, and a successful marriage is just tolerating the other person, or finding a way to block out how much you actually can't stand them...? Maybe I have an unrealistic view of what a marriage should be and should just stick with it, get a hobby, possibly a boyfriend, and go on with my life...?"
ReplyDeleteGeez, you just discribed my relationship with this entire country lol I'm TOTALLY not kidding. EReplace marraige with "living in Japan" and you got it! Damn...it IS all relative, isn't it? I used to HATE when peole said that to me.
Good Luck from a guy who knows approximately what you're going through (I don't have kids...or even much of an equivalent on an emotional level)
I thought this youtube video really summed things up well. It's by a self-help coach named Martha Beck and I know that sounds all cheesy and horrible but what she said made sense...to me anyway :o
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/kYCvv80iqCk
If I said you should stay with him so we get to keep readin g really amusing blog entries about his family, that would be really selfish, right?
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard decision but I raised a child on my own and, while it's difficult, it's not *that* difficult. Sometimes I felt like I was in a better situation than some of my married friends. I only had to cope with kid crap not partner crap as well.
I did have a lot of support from my family and one of my gay friends and, for a while was working full time plus going to uni part time as well as raising him.
I had to read the other post but as L said a plan B helps so much. Just knowing you are not staying because you do not have other options can make you handle things differently. This said I would never say stay or leave as I don't really know what is going on in your head and I am a big drama queen myself ^^'
ReplyDeleteNo advice here. I suck at relationships.
ReplyDeleteBut I will say that you look hot, are fab, have an amazingly adorable kid and some mad balls to start your on business...
Have a drink or two, eat a slice of cake and go out dancing.
Then decide if you want to get divorced.
(Sometimes drinks, dancing and dessert help put things into perspective. HTH.)
<3 Kelsey in Kanagawa
Your blog is definitely an entertaining read, though its terrible to read over and over again all the pain/stress your husband has been causing you for absolutely trivial/retarded reasons. I'm so sorry that your marriage has degenerated into such a constant source of pain - it shouldn't have to be like this.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to say though, what did you really expect from the life you chose? You married a man you scarcely knew. And he turned out to be an asshole. And how much worse to do it in a country where as an "outsider" you have no support or help from anyone, and not even the comfort of your own language? So damn hard to be a blond woman in that ridiculous country where being female = domestic slavery.
Anyway it was not the wisest decision to jump into, but I'm really happy to read that you are choosing to jump OUT after being miserable for so long. Your comfort and happiness is worth it.. and besides there are plenty more fish in the proverbial sea for you to choose from. But find someone next time from a culture where men and women are on more or less equal footing.
I really do wish you all the best! Love from NYC.