OK, sincere apologies for the title, as we all know, I am WAY too white to ever be thinking about typing such hip and happenin’ (FUCK I did it again…!) things unless I’m referring to a child’s toy being in an actual house.
However, this is Japan, and this white girl can actually go to hip hop dance classes and still get away with it! Woohoo!
So yes, I am officially signed up with a local dance studio and am taking hip hop lessons on Saturday nights! The first lesson was pretty hilarious, I was late as my last lesson at the school finishes at 7:50 and after shutting up shop and riding the 20 minute bike ride in 10, I was only a few minutes late, but still, late enough for every single person in the room to spin around mid-stretch and have a good stare at the sweaty, panting white girl that rushed in the room. As I tried to blend in and started stretching and pretending to look all professional the music came to an end and the teacher took the liberty to say “Ohhh new face, HELLLOOO!!!” Giving every fucker another chance to hone in on me again, like I didn’t feel rare enough at a fucking hip hop class, my balance is dodgy at the best of times! Then, we moved on to the really fun part of the warm-up: “Quiz the foreign girl in the room!” Love that part! I got questions from all sides, but as the questions came thick and fast, I actually started to relax a little, because I’d say 80% of the girls in there, could be scientifically put in a category of: dumb as dog shit. I feel I have the authority to make this sweeping and somewhat shocking statement as I would probably include myself in the 80%.
It’s a guy’s dream though, boys, if you want to pick up hot J-girls that aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed, seriously, go to hip hop dance classes. Lots of bending and jumping, boobies flying all over the place! The reason I came to the conclusion that most of these girls were pretty dopey was not only the abundance of orange hair and make-up caked on to a level that is just wrong when you are sweating so profusely, but some of the things they came up with while grilling me was very indicative…
Dopey girl 1: So, where are you from??
Bewildered white girl (AKA me): I’m from Australia…
D.G.1: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!
(seriously, it was a long one, and I’m usually immune or participating in long “ehh”’s)
Me: Ahh, yup, that’s right…
Dopey girl 2: Ehhhh, wait are you halfu??
Me: Huh? No…
Dopey girl 2: So neither of your parents are Japanese?!?!
Me: (Thinking- You fucking twat, I couldn’t look less Japanese if I tried) Yup, my parents are from England and then I was born in Australia..
Both dopey girls: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I shot the teacher a pleading look at this point as I was keen for the questions to cease and the ‘bopping’ and/or ‘popping’ to begin. We started with some insanely painful stretches and holding of positions that made me think I was going to ahem, split my difference, if you get what I mean… for 2 minutes at a time. Trust me, when you feel like your vagina may come apart at the seams, 2 minutes is a very long fucking time. I gotta give it to the dopey girls though, they are extremely bendy and didn’t seem to be fussed or breaking a sweat at all by the stretches that had me screwing up my face and holding my breath willing it to be over. Perhaps this is why they can afford to wear so much make-up?! After the stretchy hell was finished we went through some basic moves and I was thinking “Yeah! OK! I’m good with this!!” I’m somewhat famous for being unco-ordinated so my ability to stick to a basic rhythm was impressing me, a smile spread across my lips as I glanced in the mirror wall and then at the teacher, I even also gave a resounding “YES!” when the teacher asked if everyone was OK!
Another good thing was the fact that I didn’t feel self-conscious (despite sticking out like a sore thumb) at all. None of the girls or the teacher made me feel stupid when I fucked up, and for me this is very important when I’m learning anything. Of course after the basic moves were done it was on to actually learning a routine and I gave it a good hard crack but my brain was over loaded by the end of the hour and a half and I ended up just doing steps that resembled what everyone else was doing when actually I had no fucking clue.
This week’s lesson was much better, the routine we learnt was shorter and we practiced it more, making the dopey girls almost collapse with “EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” and other such noises of surprise as they informed me it took them at least 6 months to get the routine down. I’m sure they were just trying to flatter me but I’ll take it anyway! The teacher had obviously studied how to explain the moves in English as well, but she must remember to also say it in Japanese because she said “Push back!” and I was the only fucker who did it, the rest of the class were scratching their heads going ‘What the fuck did she just say!?’ She failed in the English department when it came to explaining the body wave though, and quite right, that shit is hard in any language! There was also a guy there for a trial lesson this week who had NO idea, like much more than me, he couldn’t even clap to a beat, but again, everyone (including me) was nice and encouraging to him. In this respect I really like the ‘team effort’ approach to classes in Japan, of course there are a lot of bad points about it too, like Junior high school kids being robots and stuff, but for me and my hip hopping adventures, it works great!
So I shall continue and see how I go, there are dance shows every year so I may just get ghetto-ed up and dance my way across a stage, in front of *gulp* an audience! Must make sure my muscles recover before then, my legs are fucking killing me, as well as my elbows, who fucking knew elbows could hurt so much!?
Yo Yo! Peace out!