Costco cuntiness

This weekend was quite unexpectedly full of fighting fireworks. I haven’t had a good fight for a while, well, not the kind where I can rip the shit out of someone who really deserves it anyway. I get very little chance to fight with anyone apart from Ryota these days and it’s funny because I hate fighting with Ryota, or people I know and love, but I actually like a bit of a good fight with a random stranger that really pisses me off.

And Sunday was the perfect situation; I was cool, calm and very fucking angry by the end of it. I was shaking uncontrollably a few minutes after, the pure adrenalin was amazing!

So… I should preface the story by saying I actually feel the guy I fought with’s pain. I HATE Costco on a good day: the massive carts, bewildered shoppers and crowds of people fighting to get a sample of meat annoy me no end. It’s even worse on a weekend and Ryota and I often comment to each other (quietly mind you) how annoying the person in front of us is when they randomly fucking stop with their huge trolley and contemplate life for a few minutes while the rest of us poor fuckers behind can’t move anywhere. So I could understand people getting a bit agro on a hot Sunday in Costco, hell I was annoyed myself with the hoards of Obachans shouting “Yassssuuuuuiiii naaaaa!!!!” (It’s cheap isn’t it?!) and “Oooooookkkkkiiiiii naaaaaa” (Wow this is fucking huge!) but there are certain ways to vent this frustration, and certain people to vent it to, and certain languages to do it in.

Putting it plainly, Ryota and I are not to be fucked with.

Despite my usually placid exterior if I’m baited appropriately I will rip into someone with no mercy, it’s a trait I’ve picked up from my Dad and I have a pretty good control over it so I’m actually glad I have the balls to stand up for myself when push comes to shove.
Ryota on the other hand is definitely not to be fucked with, he was a bit of a bad boy in his day and is not afraid to punch the shit out of, well, anyone. I discovered this when he almost beat the crap out of the slightly mental boy who flashed his cock at me! Plus, Ryota is bigger than most J-guys and could have easily snapped the Costco guy in half, I’m glad he didn’t, but he was damn close!

So by some unfortunate twist of fate, we ended up going to Costco twice on Sunday (long, boring story about a BBQ being on, then off, then on again), the first time was quite nice, the place had just opened so parking was easy and there weren’t that many people there to make traffic jams, we got our stuff and left. The second time was not as nice, parking was a nightmare, it was the middle of the day, and every fucker was jammed in there inching their carts at snails pace. Still, we’d got what we needed (shitloads of meat basically!) and were headed down the main middle aisle to the check-outs. As we were making our way very slowly down, a kid, I don’t know, maybe about 10 or 11 was clumsily pushing his cart in front of us and was making a major fuck up, but it was a kid, so Ryota and I stopped and waited for him to go, although there were a million other fuckers in front of the kid, so he couldn’t really go that fast.

We’d been stopped for about 5 seconds and I hear an obnoxious, heavily Japanese accented voice booming behind me saying “GO! GO! GO!” Now, at first, I thought it might have been a father to his kid, I actually didn’t click that it may have been directed at me, but the voice was angry and indignant so I turned around to see the cunt behind me again say “GO!!”

Now, I was fucking pissed off already. Who the fuck did this fucker think he was to a) DARE say “GO” to me!? b) To say it in English made things a million fucking times worse, if he’d said it in Japanese it could have been directed to the general crowd but it was only directed at me in English.
I turned to Ryota and said “Is he really talking to me?” To which the guy made a fucking gesture to move and that’s when Ryota and I both knew it was on.

Ryota’s head is like a big pot when he gets angry, his head boils and he goes a deep crimson red, scrunches up his face and puts on this low, angry growl. It’s never been used on me but I’d be fucking scared if it was. So at this point I didn’t say much but Ryota said “What the fuck man?” in Japanese and the guy said something to the effect of “I want to get through” and we were moving by that point so Ryota said “Fuck you baldy” AND THEN the guy had the fucking nerve to say “Ohh fuck you!” Like he knew how to speak English, I caught the fucker out on this later, but the guy was PISSED because Ryota and I were laughing at him. So the general crowd started moving and we got separated from the guy but I was a little disappointed in myself for not saying more.

And then I got my chance!

Costco has the big aisles that everyone moves round right so it was only natural we’d run into him again, and we did, not one minute after the first encounter. This time I looked him right in the eye and gave him my most gutter Japanese “What fucker!?” I could, and he took the bait, he abandoned his cart and embarrassed wife, and led Ryota over to a quiet aisle making empty threats and getting his mobile phone out saying he was calling his senpai. Stupid fucking cunt.
And this was my big chance, Ryota was close to hitting him at this point so I stepped forward and…

Me ( reasonably small voice- Japanese): What the hell, why did you say “GO!” to me??

Him: I wanted to move…

Me: Are you stupid?? It’s Sunday, nobody can move. There was a kid infront of us blocking our way!

Him: No, you were just stopped.

Me (Much louder voice, playing up to the crowd that had formed around us): No, you’re a fucking idiot. Don’t EVER say “GO!” to a gaijin again, most will punch you straight away. We’re in Japan, I can speak Japanese, you can’t speak English so don’t even fucking try. Did you just assume I couldn’t speak Japanese despite having a Japanese husband and son, despite actually being in Japan now??

Him: iya…gaijin dakara (No, it’s just… you’re a foreigner)

Me (In very loud English): Oh, you want to do this in English?! You fucking ugly, bald, shit for brains cunt? Go fuck your mother you blithering idiot!

Him: ……….

He turned back to Ryota then to play the senpai card (because he was older than Ryota) and he also wanted to know where we lived to which Ryota replied honestly, and turns out he’s from the city where we live! Which isn’t that much of a coincidence as it’s quite close to Costco, but still. This is where Ryota was a good quick thinker, the guy then immediately asked our name and while I was eyeing off the giant peanut butter jars to peg at his head Ryota had the coolness to give a fake name, and with complete confidence, like he was a proud 6th generation, he replied “Takeuchi”. If it was me I probably would have stumbled and said “Errr, our name is… errrrr Vinegar….Arrow….Mountain! or something equally fake sounding and ridiculous.

So they went at it for a few more minutes but it was really going nowhere and Ryota really was about to blow up so I urged him to keep moving as the cunt really wasn’t worth wasting any more time on, plus the twat actually apologized in the end, it was pretty half-arsed but there really was no way he could win the argument, there was no argument, just him being a fucking rude twat.

I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have even given him the satisfaction of engaging with someone so far below me but I’m actually happy I got my point across, because that guy, despite still being a cunt, will never say anything to a gaijin again I’m positive, and this makes me very very happy!