Destroying the dream…

One little piece at a time.

I’m not sure if every girl dreams of their wedding day like I did, I don’t know why it’s so important to us, but I’d fantasised, planned, and created every single detail of my wedding even before I knew who I was going to marry. ‘What’s that faceless groom, you don’t care for these flowers and 3 tiered cake? Tough! I’m having it!!’ Seriously, I used to doodle my wedding dress design when I was supposed to be studying, I scoured jewellery catalogues for the perfect diamond engagement ring. It bordered on obsession!

So obviously I was fucked sideways when I got knocked up with no time, money or inspiration to plan a wedding. (I refused to not be able to drink alcohol or be fat at my own wedding) And there was always this vague thought that we should have a wedding, some day, when we had time, or money… or inspiration. At the moment the only one we have is money, but I think the inspiration is still there somewhere under all the pessimistic layers.

I think my mother-in-law, being a woman and all, sympathized with me, she obviously knew how important a wedding is to a girl and the past few months has been saying: “You’re thin now, it’s the perfect oppourtunity,!!” So I was a heifer that would have looked really bad before…thanks? However, time and planning restraints are a reality for us so she suggested we go to a photo studio, get all dolled up with make-up, hair and a wedding dress and tux and take piccies so we can lie to Ash, push the dates back a bit and say he was totally planned after a year or so of wedded bliss. Well, even if we don’t lie, it will be nice if there are a picture or two of his parents getting married, otherwise he might not believe it!

I wasn’t keen on this idea in the beginning, I gave many reasons for not being keen, like the dresses would all be girly, frilly, lacy, balls of puffy material covered in bows and hearts and shit as is the Japanese style, or that despite losing a significant amount of the chub, Japanese sizes would probably still be either too small, or definitely too short to cover my pins. And you know, didn’t really want my wedding pictures to be like little Bo peep with her ankles hanging out. I gave these reasons to MIL but really, the main reason I didn’t want to do it? Because I knew if we did do the pictures then the chances of having my dream wedding would totally be gone. The chances are slim to none anyway, but at least I can still dream. I pouted on this point for a while but started to convince myself that pictures actually would be a good idea, and it could actually be kind of fun getting dressed up.

And so, I agreed to go and look at the dresses if nothing else, although the studio was in Kobe which is over an hour from us so I made MIL call the place and enquire about gaijin sizes and a variety of styles, and if they had simple styles or not. The woman on the phone was very re-assuring, “Ohhhh don’t worry!! We have soooo many dresses in ALL sizes, in ALL styles!”
After we drove to the place in the pouring rain and the staff had given us our little cup of tea, I was given a book with all the dresses to look at. And, as predicted (by me) MIL kept gushing over them saying “OHHH IT’S GOOOOOORRRRRRRGGGGGEEEEOOOOOUUUUSSSSS!” While I scrunched up my nose and said “Errr, yeah, if you’re a 4 year old girl going to a princess party!” I should point out here that the frilly stuff suits some people, a lot of people maybe, but it just doesn’t work for me, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tall or what, but the cutesy shite doesn’t suit me AT ALL. I gently explained to the staff that I wanted the simplest style they had, so they showed me one dress that I didn’t love, but it was bearable, V-neck bodice and a puffy, but not too bad skirt, she tried to put extra puffy shite in the skirt until I stopped her too! Anyway, after having to strip off in front of 3 women with tape measures studying the dimensions of my body I squished in to the bodice and skirt only for it to come up to my shins. They then assured me that they could take the picture sitting down or I could hunch over a bit and it would still turn out fine, but how am I supposed to smile and act natural if I’m hunched over!? So I told them that it was fine, I’d just leave it, but they were determined to put me in a frilly number, just to see what it looked like, MIL was also pushing and it was at this point that something kinda broke in me, and I got tears in my eyes. I don’t know where it came from but I was just overwhelmed with sadness, so I faked a cough and wiped my eyes but I can’t hide it when I cry, my whole fucking face goes blotchy, so I’m sure they all knew I was crying but of course this is Japan and nobody would console me for fear of embarrassing me, which is good in one way but I just wanted a big cuddle!

I composed myself enough for the staff to go scurrying off for another dress they thought I might like and after 20 minutes of them searching for the damn thing it was high necked, which is just not me either, I may have been too picky but I can’t help it if I don’t like it! So I said a gentle “sorry for all the searching but… I don’t like it…” It was a very direct gaijin thing of me to say but I was fed up by that time and just wanted to go home and have a good blubber but knew I had to endure the car ride home with MIL. MIL got quite angry at this point, telling the staff that on the phone they’d assured her there were a variety of styles and sizes when clearly there weren’t, but I think it was more for my benefit rather than her real opinion, if she’d had her choice I would have been squished in to a meringue-type dress and wrapped up in lace!

It seems things like this destroy a tiny part of my dreamer’s soul whenever they happen. I have to accept that I’ll never have my wedding, but for a princess like me it’s not an easy task!