Thursday, 14 July 2011

The good, the bad and the toilet sobbing.

OK, so I was going to put up a post about the nice weekend we had just to reassure you all it isn’t always so bad in my life… I’ll put the pictures up before I get to more moaning…












Annnnnnnnd on to the moaning we go!!! (Click away if you don't want to get depressed!)

OK, warm and fuzzies out of the way, we did have a good weekend, but things continue to be quite bad between R and I. God, am I abbreviating him in some horrible psychological move to distance him from me?? Or am I over thinking and just being lazy…?
Anyway, last night saw a pretty big fight that has continued in to this morning and we still haven’t talked yet.

Where do I start… Where did it start…??? Oh that’s right, I’ve been sick this week (hence the lack of blogging/doing anything constructive, sorry!) I had tonsillitis last week and this week I’ve had blinding headaches and no appetite all week. It could possibly be the heat, I’m not sure, but whatever it is it’s just making me feel fucking awful. I try not to whine about it, but sometimes I can’t help it and screw up my face in pain as blood pumps behind my eyes until I almost pass out. Now, I know it’s annoying to be around someone who is always sick, but at least Ryota could have pretended to be sympathetic… The response I got the most though was, “Ohhhh, but you don’t have time to go to the Doctor right??” (In a very sarcastic tone) Why the fuck did I teach him sarcasm?? But I swear to God it’s true! I have very little time to go to the Doctor unless I cancel a day of lessons, and when you run your own school and you are the only teacher, it just doesn’t go down well to cancel lessons, I know students would understand but I’d either have to refund money or make-up lessons which just fucks me off no end. Plus, I hate Japanese doctors, I hate any doctors but I hate not being able to fully explain myself and then being told something that I think is pure bullshit. As it turned out, I went to the doctor this morning and when I told him I’d had a headache for 3 days straight he said… well, nothing! Gave me my prescription for my fat medicine and called in the next patient! Japanese doctors have got to be some of the most useless fucking cunts in the world, surely there’s a study on that somewhere!?
So anyway, moral of this: He has very little (in my opinion) empathy with me. And yes, I don’t want him to baby me like I can’t do anything myself, but I don’t know, I’d like him to just be a bit…nicer? Maybe I’m being picky and spoiled here but it still kind of upset me.

The next thing, and it may have been building from the doctor tiff, was the fucking glass bottles. Usually, I get our rubbish ready to be taken out the next morning and Grandma comes and collects it from out genkan and puts it out with hers. I’m very grateful for this, it’s one less thing I have to worry about in the mornings, but I’ve never asked Grandma to do this, I could just as easily put hers out with ours on the way to kindy, but she tells us she likes the walk to the rubbish pile, gives her a bit of exercise. Whatever, go for your life granny! Yesterday was glass bottle day and we had loads of the bastards because I ‘d cleaned out the fridge after constant bellyaching from Ryota about how it was crowded and dirty. (And fair play, there ended up being about 15 salad dressing bottles!) I find Japanese rubbish sorting sooooo tedious, I know it’s good for the environment and all but I’ll be fucked if I am separating every bastard thing every fucking day, I do the bare minimum and occasionally sneak something prohibited in to get rid of it. Fucking shoot me.

So when I got the bottles out, I poured out the contents and gave them a swish with water, I didn’t wash them until they were squeaky clean, because quite frankly who could be fucked?? A housewife with nothing to do but polish her wooden floors for a 5th time that day, maybe. Me? Nope.
I put the bottles out and Grandma said something about them being dirty later that day, but when I looked at the rubbish pile there was nothing left so I assumed they’d taken them. So we get to 7pm last night and I got home after teaching about 15 kids in a row and still with scorcher of a headache to Ryota saying: “Soooo what’s for dinner??” and again, I fucking hate making dinner, use your half brain cell and get something yourself you cunt!! Was what I said in my head, but I kept my mouth shut and got Ash some pizza, to which Grandma said “Pizza’s no good for him, I’ll make him some fish!” To which I replied “NO THANK YOU, the pizza is home made and is perfectly fine for him.” Through gritted teeth. (The more I write the more I realize I was getting more and more pissed off as the night went on). The whole ‘in-laws dissing my food’ is another whiny post in itself by the way…

So we go back to our house and I start getting Ash’s dinner ready and Ryota says to me: “We have to wash the bottles next time…” and I said “Oh, yeah, I know, I did wash them, just not totally clean.” And then he said “Well, you have to, I got yelled at!” And this just pissed me off no end, so Grandma got angry at Ryota, he told her to yell at me instead but obviously she won’t do that, because I’m not part of the family enough to be yelled at for shit like that (probably a good thing).

I then got a bit huffy and said “Fine, I’M doing all rubbish related duties from now on, Grandma doesn’t have to.” And Ryota got really pissed at me saying I was childish and I shouldn’t try and deflect my own mistakes. He has a point here, I mean I didn’t wash the bottles and then I got huffy. And I think this is where the heart of our problems lie, in a situation like this, I feel totally alone, by myself, shag on a rock.

I feel like I have no supporters at all, they’re all against me! I know this is ridiculous but it’s just an automatic thing and my reaction is to get defensive. Then when Ryota gets angry at me, I feel EVEN more alone. Take, for example, last night. Ryota didn’t talk at all, I made him coffee as a peace offering and he snatched it without a thank you and the only person I talked to all night, was Ash. Which isn’t really counted as conversation when it’s just him saying “GRRRRRRRRR!!!!” lots and me saying “Oooooo you’re a scary dinosaur!!” Although I think his senses picked up when I was sobbing in the shower (Ryota hates crying and calls me pathetic if I do it in front of him) and he came and gave me a big hug before smacking me in the head with a rubber ducky and giggling.

And so when we got out of the shower, I couldn’t stop crying. Because I couldn’t help feeling like I didn’t have a soul in the world that I could have talked to at that moment. (I have fucking tears in my eyes re-reading this!)

So I went to the toilet and pulled my knees to my chest and cried to the point I almost couldn’t breathe because I was so lonely and wanted someone to be on my side to give me a big hug.

I’m craving affection. Kindness. Sex!!! Haha it’s been at least a month!

I don’t think I can change him, so I need to make some decisions… and possibly a new blog titled “How to get a divorce in Japan…” And definitely a top quality vibrator in the meantime...

32 comments:

  1. Oh Corinne, having done my own fair share of the shower/toilet sobbing stuff, my heart really goes out to you. I would have told him to wash his own fucking bottles in future...I hate Japan and their stupid anal rubbish rules. In the UK you don't even have to wash out the recycling, you just put it in the box.

    I also hate Japanese doctors and never bothered going because apart from my gynocologist, they never seemed to be able to to help me so I gave up going.

    I wish I could give you a BIG hug in person and tell you that one way or another, it will all be ok. Because no matter what happens between you guys, you are a beautiful strong woman and you WILL be ok. xxxx

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  2. I nearly cried when I read about the Ash hugs and rubber ducky thumping!

    I hope things work out. It must be hard living so close to the in-laws.

    Btw rubbish confession - sometimes I just put my bottles in the bins at the conbini so I don't have to screw around with washing them out. I can understand you should be responsible for your own garbage but they have people doing the most inane bullshit jobs in this country -- like telling you not to walk down a blocked off footpath -- so why not have people doing garbage sorting.

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  3. "And Ryota got really pissed at me saying I was childish and I shouldn’t try and deflect my own mistakes. He has a point here,"

    Pot ...calling....kettle...black...hello....helllo...
    anybody??

    You typed that and maybe didn't realize how bizzare it sounds...you apologizing to an emotionally devoid mamas boy.

    I got a buncha hugs for you. The cool ones include hands falling down your back and sqeezing your ass and kissing your neck while whispering "everything's gonna be o.k." in your ear.

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  4. btw if you don't get divorced and you still want the dream wedding, I saw an ad for the most amazing place in Guam at my local travel agent. If I was getting married, I'd so be going there.

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  5. Very sad indeed! I don't know what to say because I am in the same situation , and I stay as far as the inlaws as possible to be sure to not have any pressure coming on top of everything when we fight.

    When I read this though I wonder why Ryota is not cleaning the stuffs in the fridge if he minds it so much, you are both working. Even my husband is in charge of the dishes and cleans the house once a week. I just feel that if he does nothing in the house I might want to divorce and become a single mom after I have kids and they start school . ><

    Be strong!

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  6. Ryota is a lazy shit. You both work full time so cleaning and cooking should be split down the middle. Even Nobu will do the dishes at midnight since its his job and i only ever pit out rubbish when he forgets. And i wont be part of keeping track of recycling days and throwing the shit out. I swish bottles, never wash them and they have nevwe been rejected. Maybe Nobu washes them when i'm sleeping but so be it, that's his job.
    The spare room is totally yours anytime you want it. You know where the key is. Call or come over any time. Ryota is a lazy shit. You both work full time so cleaning and cooking should be split down the middle. Even Nobu will do the dishes at midnight since its his job and i only ever pit out rubbish when he forgets. And i wont be part of keeping track of recycling days and throwing the shit out. I swish bottles, never wash them and they have nevwe been rejected. Maybe Nobu washes them when i'm sleeping but so be it, that's his job.
    The spare room is totally yours anytime you want it. You know where the key is. Call or come over any time.

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  7. Corinne - you can call me/write me anytime.

    I MEAN it.

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  8. me too. Alternatively, we could round up all the poor kansai wives with bad husbands and move us all in together with all of our adorable kids. Our neighbours would think we were a bunch of lesbos, but in practice it would probably work extremely well.

    Sending my love to you, and your welcome to our tiny inner city apartment anytime xx

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  9. Shit, I read that as R coming in to give you hug and smack on head with duck. Bloody fuckin halfwit Japanese men. No empathy what so ever. Shower cry sessions are a doer here. Coming out with read puffy eyes never even warrants an 'are you OK?'.

    Hope you are feeling better and that R mans up and starts being nice, and if nothing else takes over all rubbish duties as obviously gaijin are crap and surely it would just be easier if he did it himself.

    Hugs.
    xxx

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  10. Hugs Corrine, You can call me anytime as well.

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  11. Big hugs Corrine. My hub can be an emotional retard at times too and like GW wrote above coming out with red puffy eyes doesn`t even warrent a "daijyoubu?" around here sometimes either.

    Fucking hate rubbish. It was not as bad where I used to live but I would get blamed for stuff because I was the foreigner even when it wasn`t me. Like someone who threw out futons and landlord said they got me on camera and hub had to go tell them to show him video because we didn`t chuck any futons.

    Now hwere I live rubbish is a huge pain in the ass down to separating and cleaning plastic- like the meat dishes, pet bottles etc. Oh and don`t get me started on the milk cartons and cutting them a certain way. FUCK ME.

    I only swish the glass bottles too- especially the salad dressing ones. And same with the vegemite jars because they are a bitch to clean.

    A kansai gaijin wife commune sounds like a possibility, yeah?

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  12. ouch, woman, your daddy would not be happy to hear how his princess is being treated. Is this really how you want to spend another fifty years??

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  13. Long time reader, but I don't often comment...

    I have had similar bad luck with Japanese doctors. When I got a bad case of food poisoning during my study abroad, I ended up going to the hospital and I told my friend who went with me to interpret to tell him which medications I was on so that he wouldn't prescribe something that would interact with them. I never ended up taking the meds he gave me (mostly because of some irrational fear of foreign medicine ><), and as it turns out, he ended up giving me nothing that would have helped me recover but rather a 2 week supply of my heart medication. -_- *sigh*

    Needless to say, I'm not too keen on having to find a doctor once I actually move to Tokyo this fall...

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  14. Sorry to hear about stupid non-compassionate husbands...*hugs* is about all I can say. But just want you to know I'm on your side, even from afar. xxx

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  15. BIG hugs for you! xx :( I can empathize with you. Takeshi also doesn't care for me crying, never mind in front of him. He doesn't call it pathetic to my face, but he always starts doing these big gusty SIGHS while I'm crying, as if to say, "Oh christ, stop crying already..."

    And just to make you feel that you're not alone with the intimacy part - we're usually lucky if we have sex 3 times a month, and that's when we're on good terms. We also just went through a whole month as well, without. I suggest getting something special for yourself! Lol. xD

    I did. T___T;;....

    Hang in there! xoxox

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  16. Awwwwwww. ><;
    Big hugs!
    Big big big biiiiiig hugs!

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  17. Yeah, I've done the crying in the bathroom thing. My hubby hates tears too. Big hugs and I hope you never feel that lonely again. We ain't much, but we're your online family!

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  18. I'm sorry you guys are still having issues =/ Have you tried just sitting him down for a hardcore face-to-face "yousuckandherearesomereasonswhy" type talk? And then if he doesn't get the message.. I dunno, try throwing something at him?? ;w; Hopefully he's not that heartless or dense.

    Also, have you considered moving away from your in-laws? I saw Chris say that he's a momma's boy, so I guess if he wants to live near his mom, it can't be helped... I know I felt living with the in-laws just made things 100x harder though =/ Kind of always feel like some kind of outsider who doesn't quite "get it." Whatever the hell "that" is.
    What ever you decide, I hope you can just be happy again. Maybe less toilet tears in the future :)

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  19. The idea of a partner, husband, boyfriend...whatever, is to be your other half. I have endured several shit I don´t like about my girl because she hears me out, she actually listens to my rant and when I am sad she hugs me. If she wouldn´t do that, but instead be a lazy cow, complain about everything, blame me for shit SHE could have done, that would be it. I think you REALLY need to think about that. There is a saying where I come from "Is better to be alone that be with bad company". God forbidd Ash grows up to be just a tiny bit like his douche dad

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  20. God, R is a pathetic twit. You deserve soo much better! You need to get yourself out of that situation! Poor you. Poor Ash. Not all men (not even all Japanese men) are useless POS mama's boys. I swear, you can do better. Do it for your own sake - get a divorce. And I mean that in the most supportive way possible.

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  21. I've been divorced for 2.5 years after20 years of wedded unbliss. Now I have a weekend boyfriend with a honeymoon every Saturday night for the past 1.5 years. Im loving it. There is life after divorce.

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  22. Corinne mate, sounds like a fucked up situation. There is nothing worse than that feeling where you feel like everyone is against you, it is fucking horrible. Try not to hold too much in, otherwise you might break, give him a kick up the arse, call him a cuntburger, anything you need to let some steam off your chest. Sounds like a bit of a two year old though, it's seriously time for some of these men to learn how to wipe their own asses.

    It is a bad situation, but is also a good opportunity to think things over and make a decision about your future. There is always the option of fucking off to Australia with your kid, there is not much he can do if you do that. However, it would be wise to sit down and tell him everything you are dissatisfied with before you do that, at least give him a chance.

    I'm feeling for you mate. I hope you can make things better.

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  23. What a bullshit thing to do about the bottles. First off they took the bottles so who the hell cares, second it's really none of her business, and third who the hell makes complains to someone and has them yell at another person about something that wasn't even their business. I'm so lucky in my neighborhood that the garbage collectors will take anything and everything. I know I'm gonna get in trouble once I move and don't have this luxury.

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  24. Perhaps it's not my place to say, but Ryota sounds like a right dickhead. A lazy one at that! Most Japanese men are lazy mummy's boys but he takes the biscuit. I think you need to sit down and tell him exactly what you don't like and what things you would like to change. If he is so prissy about the way the housework should be done then he should do more. Full stop. Lots of us in bloggy world have Japanese husbands who do little if any housework. Luckily for me at least he would NEVER dictate how the cleaning should be done. My hubby never rinses the glass jars before throwing them in the rubbish bin!!

    Living close to the in-laws must have its benefits but in your case I think not. His family are just plain weird from what I have read.

    I would think carefully before you throw around the "D" word. It's something I've often thought about, but life as a single mum might not be any easier. The laws here are not really in your favour either. The lack of sex thing comes with having kids I feel. No time, no energy and sometimes no inclination. Raising kids can be draining particularly after a full day at work. I

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  25. Sometimes life isn't what we expect, strange turns and twists. It is time to put your finances into order and devise your exit strategy. You don't have to use it, but by having it in place will allow you to evaluate, decide, give security. Is this what you want ? is this what you want your son to living in? If your husband has no opinion of you, your son will become the same. Do you want that?
    Your son will be better off with a happy mummy, whatever that means to you.
    Even though I and many others have never met you doesn't mean we don't care and hope for the best. Some of the most beautiful moments in my life have happened due to the kindness of complete strangers.
    (as to sex, you know that BBoy would be visiting, just for the bus fare home and a bag of chips).
    Do you have any J wifey friends? you could try the 'mrs yamamoto's husbands always does the rubbish.' or 'MY students said that blah blah'
    take care the love is there you just got to find it.

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  26. Hi Corrine,

    I've been lurking around your blog for awhile, sorry I haven't commented until now. I'm an American in Japan and everyday I see Japanese POS husbands and bfs (I know they are some good ones out there, but not many). I feel so bad for you and your situation, sure all husbands/partners have their missteps, but yours sounds like a total f*ck-up. I know he's probably not, at least not completely, but he doesn't seem to be someone worth being married to. My parents got married quickly when Mom got pregnant with me, and had a few good years before it all went to hell. They got divorced when I was 13, best decision ever, and now my Mom is dating up a storm and Dad married the love of his life at age 54. I say give R a real take it or leave it talking to, try to get away from the in-laws to even the playing field, and if all else fails, LEAVE HIM. It's scary, but trust me, the outcome will be much better and much simpler than you can imagine.

    Good luck, and all the best!

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  27. Agree with Crazy Rita - there is life after divorce!

    The initial separation is very hard emotionally but if you stay strong and get through it I promise you will find yourself living a better, happier life free of emotional games and guilt.

    You are gorgeous and so many many men would want to snap you up if you were back on the market. Be warned!
    Come back to Australia and make the most of this time while you are still young!!!!! Don't leave it too late!!

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  28. aaaww, hun, if i was there, i would give you a big hug. although reading this from an outsider's POV, it sounds like you were just having a bad day and things kinda degenerated... although... well, it's rough having a relationship with someone from such an alien culture. you saying "he doesn't like me crying" reminded me of when i dated my first japanese guy, and he would say that to me to. he would be like "stop crying! you are not honest you are just trying to make me feel bad with your tears!" which was insanely false, but we would always fight about STUPID things that were only an issue because of a difference in culture... you will have to be strong to keep fighting in this. but anyways, we're on your side!!

    also, i will agree that japanese doctors are the most useless cunts in the universe... what exactly DO they study in medical school here?!?

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  29. Hello, I'm another lurker de-lurking because this post is just so sad and upsetting it seems wrong not to comment ;_; Poor you, Corrine. It isn't fair to be so alone and to take on so much of the burden of everything. I'm another one in the "Ryota is being a true cunt, tell him if he doesn't make changes he's going to lose you" crowd. Don't ascribe him any excuses of "he's a Japanese man, he's a chonan", he's just being a childish cuntface. My hub is a Japanese guy and a chonan - only child - and he manages to pull his weight around the house, the cuntiness may be partially cultural but it is not inevitable. Incurable in Ryota's case? Who can say, maybe, I don't know. But he's got to try first.

    But I also want to say something that will probably seem like totally nosy pushiness... sorry.. it's really not meant to be. But, but, are you sure those fat pills aren't killing you?? The headaches sound really scary and my first thought when reading that was "I wonder if it's a side effect of the ayashii diet pills". I know you didn't make this post for people to criticise your dieting, but it kind of worried me to the point of de-lurking. They're heavy laxatives or something, right? Is it really okay to take that kind of shit long-term, are you sure it's not causing your illness? Your body needs to get enough nutrition to heal up.. if it's shitting it all out it can't... (sorry).

    You're totally gorgeous and really, really skinny now, so maybe you could take a little break from them and see if your health clears up? Sorry for the totally yokei-na-osewa from a stranger but I couldn't help having alarm bells ringing... I know someone who totally ruined her health with an appetite supressent drug and I am suspicious of all of 'em since then. Just a kindly intended gentle suggestion from a lurker, as well as big hugs and sympathy and a soothing whisper of "you're not alone". x x xx x

    (sorry this was massive)

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  30. Ah..I think I take the cake with the rubbish thing..we got told via kairanban (kinda clipboard with a note that EVERYBODY has to read and sign in our little area) that the person who was throwing away the formula cans without washing them out properly (me same, swished but didn`t get it all out apparently) can they please do it PROPERLY next time..sheeit, as if no-one knows who that is gonna be. We are the only family in our area with little kids, so everyone knows it`s us(even if it wasn`t we would get the blame because I am foreign and hub is foreign to these parts so of course it couldn`t be anyone else. They just don`t have the balls to say it..point#24567 that pisses me off about the `culture` here.
    As for R..hmm...shitty day? whatever he should at least man up and apologise..Hope things work out and second the idea of maybe moving away from your in-laws..might make the biggest difference.

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  31. Being lonely is the worst feeling in the world, and makes everything so much worse. I'd say take a long break and leave him to take care of himself, except his mother would do everything for him and he wouldn't learn anything. It sounds like he needs telling, directly and strongly, exactly how he's making you feel. DO you think he knows you have one foot on it's way out of the door?
    And garbage here is a pain in the arse. We have to write our office number on the bags at work, go and collect a key from some poor woman in the library (who maust get sick of dishing it out) and then drag the buggers about 5 minutes to a specially built garbge garage where someone checks the bags and brings them back if there's an illegal item in there. I promise you I'm not making this up. I just take my rubbish home.
    I hope you work things out, in whatever way is best for you. Hugs

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  32. Divorce...it seems like the natural state for adults. No question in my mind where I'd be in my own relationship, but I'm here...locked in (I swallowed that key, threw it into the ocean...only thing that's going to get that shackle off it the rust of time). Divorce...I can't remember my biologicals ever being together other than to pick up or drop off that which types this. One asshole dad could have cared less when he left his six-year-old baggage at an empty airport not really thinking that it'd be a day or so before anyone would be home...lucky the boy could somehow remember a neighbor's number he'd only called less than a dozen time.
    For me, I do what I can to provide stability for the little ones, even if that means seriously rethinking my values and taking care of myself.
    Honesty keeps coming up, again and again.
    Just this last time, it slapped me in the face through an article in the New York Times Magazine, "Married, With Infidelities."
    "Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves." And,“Children have a right to some stability and constancy from the adults in their lives.”

    Not sure there are ever any 'answers' to any of this life stuff, but at least people are talking about it.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?pagewanted=all

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