Wednesday, 20 July 2011

So... apart from my crumbling personal life...

The only thing I really have to write about is the state of my marriage, but I need to have a little break from the moaning posts or I will drive myself, (or all of you) insane I’m sure! So, I thought I’d address a rather pressing issue that takes my fancy…


Please, please watch this!

I grew up watching shit like this; pure, satirical, British brilliance.
I love British comedy, watching Japanese “comedy” leaves me feeling like the creators of the program take me for a fucking moron if they think slapping a man on the head or falling in to a tub of boiling hot water for the millionth fucking time really makes me laugh that much. I mean, it’s OK sometimes but I need some kind of brain stimulation!

But back to the issue at hand…Anyone who has taught small children in Japan (actually I don’t think you even need to be a teacher, just live here for a while) will have been exposed to that phenomenon of fingers of small children being thrust up their bum, we all remember the rude shock we got when some adorable kid would come up next to you, looking all loving and smiley, then with a cheeky glint in their eye, would shriek “KANCHOOOOO!!!” and put their hand in to a position as if it were a gun and use all their might to ram their two fingers as far as they could up your arse (through your clothes, thank the Lord!). I was as shocked and appalled by this game as anyone when I first started teaching in Japan and didn’t quite know how to react to it. How could sticking your fingers up bums be seen as a fun thing to do?! What kind of sick country have I come to?! It would be just the start of a flurry of questions that I would ask Japan over the years. Everyone tells you to take your shoes off at the door, don’t put chopsticks in rice, blah blah blah, let’s get some “Protect your God Damn arsehole” warning in these guide books!

I should just explain the bastardness of the word "kancho" too, it is one of those words, that no matter how long I speak Japanese for, I always fucking mix up, usually I confuse it with "kanJO" as in "kanjo sen" (loop train line). I swear to fucking god I have, on more than one occasion said "OK, let's just catch the enema then." Or "OK, he is really constipated, give him the old loop." For fucks sake, why do I get the embarassing words mixed up!?

I’ve been away from the old kancho for a while though, having your own English school means you not only have more control over the little bastards, but smaller groups means you can keep more of an eye on wandering fingers. However, I also work at a kindergarten on Fridays for some easy money, I say easy, but can we really put a price on anal intrusions?? It only took a few times working there when the first attack occurred, but it took me by surprise, it was a front kancho, when did this transition happen!? And he gave it his all the little fucker, took a big swing and really put his back in to it. Of course after I’d doubled over, I grabbed him, looked him in the eye and said through clenched teeth in English “You do that again mate, and I will hurt you.” I think he saw the look in my eye even if he didn’t understand the language, because he scampered off and did a puzzle by himself for 20 minutes. It made me much more angry than I remember, maybe because it had been so long since I’d had to deal with it, or because I’m much less tolerant now I have my own kid testing my limits all the time. I’m not sure why, but I felt a bit bad, he’s actually a good little kid.

It got me to thinking though, in Western countries, sticking fingers up bumholes is a huge no no, and most kids know it. Hell, most kids already associate it with homosexuality and would probably call you a poofta if you tried it! So why is it OK in Japan?? Where homosexuality is even more repressed than in Western countries?

And I’ve got it.

I’ve realized why it is completely acceptable for a small child to giggle in delight as they revel in the pure joy of poking and pushing their way in to an adult’s clacker, making them feel uncomfortable and watching them jump 4 feet in the air in surprise.

It’s because things are shoved up a Japanese baby’s arse, and with not even a second thought!

One fine example: bum bullets. Anyone with kids in Japan knows exactly what I’m talking about, t’s a little bullet that you shove up your kids bum hole if they have a fever. And that shit WORKS. I was skeptical at first, I was opposed to bum hole intrusion, but I swear to God, I want to sell bum bullets in the West, they are a parent’s savior when a kid is sick, they probably are the same as kids panadol but the difference is how fast they work, a bum bullet is almost instantaneous unlike medication taken by mouth that not only takes time but can be easily vomited up.

Another one that I’ve only recently come to discover, is the solution for constipation in children, you just buy a little squirty device, shove it up the kid’s bum and WAHLAH! The shit just comes pouring out of them, more shit than you ever thought was possible!
I drew the line with this one though, Ash hadn’t done a shit for about 2 days and the in-laws solution to the problem? KANCHOOO! KANCHOOO! And I was like “Woahhhh hold your horses there, the poor kid is a bit blocked up but do we really need to go shoving things up his arsehole in such a hurry??” And then I was shouted down for being cruel?! How the fuck does that work?!

Anyway, as it turned out, Ash must have understood that I was fighting to keep his ring in tact because as we were having the discussion he went to the toilet and dropped some big kids off at the pool, good little lad he is.
But it really made me realize that I can’t blame J-kids for wanting to violate my bum, they’re brought up with it!


  1. I've never had it happen, thank god. You'd be slapped across the room if you tried that as a kid in Australia.

    Ha, my sister had to have a bum bullet when she was a kid. I was old enough to remember it and tease her about it for years after.

  2. This is weird... kids can do such a thing without being slapped by the adults? O.o And it's considered fun? Weird.

    Bum bullets are normal here in Germany, too. I've always hated them, but there was no way around it until I was old enough to put my foot down. ew.

  3. i've never been kancho'd either. thank goodness. but i guess it's only a matter of time....

  4. I remember the first time I heard about Kancho. WTF?!
    I mean I'm the US and I've had little kids grab at my boobs before. They don't have a mental barrier yet, telling them it just ain't right violating an adult like that.
    Yeah, bum bullets aren't common here but about 20 years ago I had a terrible stomach flu and the doc gave me one. I was throwing everything else up. It worked great! No more nausea or vomiting.I loved that little bum bullet.

  5. The Office War...too funny.

    A while ago, a southern gentleman who was working as a CIR on the sacred JET Programme flat out refused to go to another elementary school unless they promised not to be so... intrusive.

    Apparently the headmaster called an all school assembly to explain to all the kiddies that 'certain behavior' was just not acceptable, ever. Although none of the expletives that the southern gentleman had used in his memo were translated, everybody got the point.

    In that "kawaii" emergency survival kit for unsuspecting foreigners fresh off the plane, they gotta include at least one "Kancho Dame" t-shirt and a few stickers.

    As for the bullet...that is another story.

  6. I have sadly, by mistake, back handed a 7 year old who gave me first ever, absolutely prison rape esque kancho. Well...after rushing him to the nurses office with his eyes going different directions, turned out he was OK and amazingly the incident was never discussed.

  7. Kancho is not cool~ Luckily I've never had a student try on me, though I did have one little kid ramming me in the butt with his head. Then my preschool kids started the "oshiko" chant. What is the little kids and that area? Poop, buttholes, piss, they think its so hilarious. I really don't see the humor <__>
    I've been disappointed with the comedy shows recently. Though Gaki no Tsukai never gets old for me, no matter how many times they punch each other in the balls Lol

  8. I have never even had anyone walk up to me and just practice their English in 6 years...I'm apparently not giving off a friendly vibe. Never been Kancho'd but was asked by some of my students if I had?

    Any missing kids in the area?
    Then there's your answer

  9. I've never had this either but I can go from super genki to death stare. I am sure it will happen when i return to the foray of english teaching

  10. LOL! this made me crack up: "...for some easy money, I say easy, but can we really put a price on anal intrusions??"

  11. Kathrynoh~ Right, if any kid tried it in Oz they certainly wouldn't again!

    Michelle~ Oh really?! Maybe it's just backwards Australia that they are pretty rare?? I wouldn't want to get one but I sure do love the effects they have!

    Illahee~ With 3 small kids?! I'm going to bet on the next undokai it will happen!

    April~ I can handle random grabbing and curiosity, but full on fisting is just not acceptable! Praise the bum bullet! :)

    Will~ HAHAHA Well these kids really do need to know if they do it in another country (especially to anyone from the southern states of America!) they're likely to lose their hand, at best! hehe

    Gaijinass~ I don't blame you really, I mean it's just an instant reaction. At least one J-kid got an arsehole education, well done!

    Nanairomiso~ OK punching in the balls may be an exception! :) Oh my god I know, the kids just double over laughing when they say poo! And I have one kid who calls me "unchi, oppai babaaaa" I told him I was most offended by the 'baba' bit...

    Chris~ Oh dear God I would love to see a kid to have enough balls to try it on you though!

    thelentilweaver~ Yes, I fear it's only a matter of time! Watch your bum!

  12. oooh...not before lunch! I am so delicate, you know.

  13. Hi from a lurker, just wanted to say I always found Japanese people's attitude towards bum holes and digestive related topics really weird! My friends and co-workers used to just casually mention in passing how they were constipated or whatever, then there are the kindergartens that make kids record in their diary every day whether they've done a poo or not and what consistency it was...My pilates teacher would also tell us to sit so that our spine was directly above our bum hole...weird!

  14. Wow. I would not be able to handle that. And here I thought I was obsessed with my son's poop. Clearly I am an amateur. My son is always constipated. Now that he is 16 months old he knows what is coming and locks up his legs and says "no no no". Which makes me feel so mean, but after days of watching him strain I can't take it anymore. Good times. As a matter of fact, this morning he was so backed up that the freaking suppository shot back out at me.

  15. "My pilates teacher would also tell us to sit so that our spine was directly above our bum hole...weird!"
    The more I think about this, the more I believe it's not possible, anatomically. I'm confused now.

  16. lol, this as kinda gross, but highly entertaining!

    i'm lucky to have never actually been kanchoed, but i've seen it happen, eheh.... honestly, i'm surprised you have cuz i heard it mostly happens to guys... oh well. yeah... it's just one more really "wtf" thing about japan that you tend to forget and start taking for granted once you've lived here too long....

  17. That is just wrong hahaha. I heard about kancho but never though it was used in real life. Sure they were brought up that way, but use logic damn it! If you do that, smell your finger afterwards and you will realise that it SHOULD not be done!

    @ Chris: I bet a kancho to you would be like playing "Who walks into the haunted huse and stay there the longest"...test breavery in kids "Who can do kancho in Chris sensei" hahaha that would just be funny to see the kids faces to see who would be breave enough to do that.

  18. aimlesswanderer25 July 2011 at 22:08

    For a country where everyone is generally scrupulously polite, this is very odd. It's like everything else is off limits, but asses are A OK?

    If a kid did that to me, after I got over the shock, I suspect that the culprit would soon be being held hanging out of the nearest window...

    I wonder, would getting kanchoe'd be grounds for assault, or stress leave or something?

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