So... apart from my crumbling personal life...

The only thing I really have to write about is the state of my marriage, but I need to have a little break from the moaning posts or I will drive myself, (or all of you) insane I’m sure! So, I thought I’d address a rather pressing issue that takes my fancy…

BUM HOLES!

Please, please watch this!

I grew up watching shit like this; pure, satirical, British brilliance.
I love British comedy, watching Japanese “comedy” leaves me feeling like the creators of the program take me for a fucking moron if they think slapping a man on the head or falling in to a tub of boiling hot water for the millionth fucking time really makes me laugh that much. I mean, it’s OK sometimes but I need some kind of brain stimulation!

But back to the issue at hand…Anyone who has taught small children in Japan (actually I don’t think you even need to be a teacher, just live here for a while) will have been exposed to that phenomenon of fingers of small children being thrust up their bum, we all remember the rude shock we got when some adorable kid would come up next to you, looking all loving and smiley, then with a cheeky glint in their eye, would shriek “KANCHOOOOO!!!” and put their hand in to a position as if it were a gun and use all their might to ram their two fingers as far as they could up your arse (through your clothes, thank the Lord!). I was as shocked and appalled by this game as anyone when I first started teaching in Japan and didn’t quite know how to react to it. How could sticking your fingers up bums be seen as a fun thing to do?! What kind of sick country have I come to?! It would be just the start of a flurry of questions that I would ask Japan over the years. Everyone tells you to take your shoes off at the door, don’t put chopsticks in rice, blah blah blah, let’s get some “Protect your God Damn arsehole” warning in these guide books!

I should just explain the bastardness of the word "kancho" too, it is one of those words, that no matter how long I speak Japanese for, I always fucking mix up, usually I confuse it with "kanJO" as in "kanjo sen" (loop train line). I swear to fucking god I have, on more than one occasion said "OK, let's just catch the enema then." Or "OK, he is really constipated, give him the old loop." For fucks sake, why do I get the embarassing words mixed up!?

I’ve been away from the old kancho for a while though, having your own English school means you not only have more control over the little bastards, but smaller groups means you can keep more of an eye on wandering fingers. However, I also work at a kindergarten on Fridays for some easy money, I say easy, but can we really put a price on anal intrusions?? It only took a few times working there when the first attack occurred, but it took me by surprise, it was a front kancho, when did this transition happen!? And he gave it his all the little fucker, took a big swing and really put his back in to it. Of course after I’d doubled over, I grabbed him, looked him in the eye and said through clenched teeth in English “You do that again mate, and I will hurt you.” I think he saw the look in my eye even if he didn’t understand the language, because he scampered off and did a puzzle by himself for 20 minutes. It made me much more angry than I remember, maybe because it had been so long since I’d had to deal with it, or because I’m much less tolerant now I have my own kid testing my limits all the time. I’m not sure why, but I felt a bit bad, he’s actually a good little kid.

It got me to thinking though, in Western countries, sticking fingers up bumholes is a huge no no, and most kids know it. Hell, most kids already associate it with homosexuality and would probably call you a poofta if you tried it! So why is it OK in Japan?? Where homosexuality is even more repressed than in Western countries?

And I’ve got it.

I’ve realized why it is completely acceptable for a small child to giggle in delight as they revel in the pure joy of poking and pushing their way in to an adult’s clacker, making them feel uncomfortable and watching them jump 4 feet in the air in surprise.

It’s because things are shoved up a Japanese baby’s arse, and with not even a second thought!

One fine example: bum bullets. Anyone with kids in Japan knows exactly what I’m talking about, t’s a little bullet that you shove up your kids bum hole if they have a fever. And that shit WORKS. I was skeptical at first, I was opposed to bum hole intrusion, but I swear to God, I want to sell bum bullets in the West, they are a parent’s savior when a kid is sick, they probably are the same as kids panadol but the difference is how fast they work, a bum bullet is almost instantaneous unlike medication taken by mouth that not only takes time but can be easily vomited up.

Another one that I’ve only recently come to discover, is the solution for constipation in children, you just buy a little squirty device, shove it up the kid’s bum and WAHLAH! The shit just comes pouring out of them, more shit than you ever thought was possible!
I drew the line with this one though, Ash hadn’t done a shit for about 2 days and the in-laws solution to the problem? KANCHOOO! KANCHOOO! And I was like “Woahhhh hold your horses there, the poor kid is a bit blocked up but do we really need to go shoving things up his arsehole in such a hurry??” And then I was shouted down for being cruel?! How the fuck does that work?!

Anyway, as it turned out, Ash must have understood that I was fighting to keep his ring in tact because as we were having the discussion he went to the toilet and dropped some big kids off at the pool, good little lad he is.
But it really made me realize that I can’t blame J-kids for wanting to violate my bum, they’re brought up with it!