Monday, 30 August 2010

My eyes! My eyes!

Dear God, my eyes. And brain. And memory. Scarred forever I tells you!

Let me back the fuck up a bit, Saturday night, I was off to the 50 fucking millionth bon odori of the season (and I god damn hope the last!) complete with troop of whinging husband, FIL and his toothy bride (who were actually in the middle of some crazy big fight but I don't know the goss, yet...) and chubby halfuu baby in his little blue kimono. *insert cute picture that I can't be faffed uploading.... here.*
I had to work till 8 so escaped the earlier 'festivities' but was instructed to come straight to the dirt patch where the drum banging and dancing was to occur. I should have known it was going to be a shit night when I got the phone call on the way there...

RYOTA (AKA totally incapable twat face)- Corinne? Where are you?? What are you doing? Where are Ashton's nappies?? He did a huge shit!!! Douu shiyoooo???

ME- The nappies and wipes and change of clothes and water and snacks and partridge in a sodding pear tree are all in the brown bag I packed for you to take with you.

TWAT FACE- The bag that's still at FIL's house??

ME- (Contemplating swerving into oncoming traffic) Yes. That one, you big twat. Lucky I'm a total mother and have spare nappies and wipes in my handbag. See you soon, don't let him sit down and smoosh the shit everywhere!!!

Seriously, what does he think I'm doing every time we go out and I pack enough stuff for a small country to survive on? Does he think I do it for fun?? Anyway, got there, changed Ash's nappy and panic was avoided but fuck me men piss me off sometimes!

OK, next was the awkward air between FIL and toothey-chan. They hardly talked at dinner and she even pissed off early to 'go and help out' at the festival, she also didn't come home with us so who knows what's going on there but it was definitely tense. Perhaps FIL has cheated on her too, although wouldn't blame him, she is a bit of a dog, nice enough but incredibly ugly and a bit of a know-it-all.

Back to the title of the post though! Ash ran and danced and played his shitty bum off all night and was basically just a big ball of sweat and toffee apple fuelled energy as we were going home, so when we got to FIL's house he suggested he hop in the bath with Ash, saving us having to do it when we got home. Nice! Sweeeet! One less job for me! And me being, you know, organised and shit, I'd packed his P.J's for this precise reason. So Ash strips off and FIL disappears down the hall to get in the bath with him. Now, this was possibly my fault, as I went into the kitchen to get a drink, but he really should have closed the door, there were two doors he could have closed infact!! As I glanced down the hall, I got a full on view of white, saggy FIL in all his naked glory shuffling into the bath. I pretty much saw all droopy bum, but as he turned to go into the bathroom I got a peek at swingey boy bits before I could look away and let out a little shriek. That image will now and forever be burned into my fragile little brain. Hold me, somebody please hold me.

When I relayed my grossed-out-ness to Ryochan he said he didn't think it was that big of a deal, but when I compared it to him seeing my mum starkers, he was a little creeped out. He should have had a towel on, no!? I'm not a major prude when it comes to nudity, I get my tits out after 2 sips of vodka after all, but FIL was uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of him so you think he'd be a little more careful about flashing his frank and beans while I'm there!?

After I'd recovered a little from the FIL cock incident, I settled down in front of the telly to get my fix of FOX life, which we don't get at home. As I was flicking through the channels Ryota asked me some random question and I turned to answer him but stopped halfway through my answer as all I could hear was "Ahhhhh! Oooooo! *Japanese girl crying noises that I can't describe*!!! Kimochiiiiii!!!" and realised I'd stumbled upon FIL's porn channels! I fumbled to push the 'channel change' button but he has like 4 porn channels on there the filthy bastard! I panicked, then giggled, then Ryochan giggled, then we were both just really grossed out at the thought of FIL wanking, annnnnnd we were silent.

Please God, no more remotely sexual encounters with FIL, please!!!


  1. Fuck you crack me up. FIL was probably concentrating on not letting ASH slip or drown.... or perhaps he likes the thought of his foreign daughter n law seeing his bits. Were all the channels Japanese?

    You better watch out there. Next time you're there he might set up a pole.

  2. OMG. The very thought of seeing my FIL naked (or my MIL for that matter) makes me want to vomit. Still have morning sickness so can`t think about it too much because I will vomit.....

    Had to laugh that Ryota forgot the bag you specifically packed for him. Totally something Shun would do....

  3. Shudder! I once walked by the bathroom at my ex-boyfriend's parent's place only to discover that his dad was peeing with the door open. I didn't actually see any bare skin, but he saw me walk by and I'm not sure which of us was more horrified by the encounter... shudder!

  4. LMAO as ever;-).But ewwwwwww.What a thought.Only seen my FILs bum.Bad.

  5. actually.....we took my daughters to Japan when they were about JR. High and 1st year high school age-as my daughter was entering the "toilet" room brotherIL was coming buck-nakey out of the ofuro....he got a new nickname that day- Mr. Schlong....we still gross out over it..can't imagine seeing FIL nakey...puke!!