Because I really needed some to shove down Grandma's throat today!
It's funny with Grandma, she can be the best of the whole bunch at times, and then at others I seriously wish the old bird would hurry up and croak it. Today was the latter.
Actually it started last night when I picked Ash up from kindy at 5pm. Now 5pm is late-ish for a little person, especially in winter, but seriously the kid isn't going to die from playing with toys in a warm classroom for another hour longer than usual. Grandma had a HUGE go at me because I picked him up so late. Never mind that there was still over half the class there when I got him and he wanted to stay and play with the train set rather than going home. AND that I had to teach back to back lessons until 5!
I'm in a bind with this one, he's my kidlet and I should be able to do with him what I want, but I have to ask Grandma and dog fucker and co. to look after him a lot, don't really want to burn my baby sitter's bridges quite yet, will have to wait till he's old enough to look after himself. I think the worst thing about this issue, apart from the headache I get from listening to her "KAWAISOOOOOOUUUUU!!!" belly aching, is the fact that Ryota doesn't support me on this one. He does for pretty much everything else, but he also feels that 5pm is too late for Ash to be at kindy. If we ever talk about this touchy issue it always comes back to him actually having no idea about what I do all day, which is another argument in itself, so we start to go all inception on ourselves whenever we get in to it. Anyway, that was the first thing that made me want to tell Grandma to go slip in the shower.
The next thing came this morning when Ash was playing outside, with three layers on, the third being a puffy warm jacket (You can see where this is going right?) Now I'll admit it was fucking nipple cripplingly cold today, but I was out there in 2 thin layers and wasn't dying of hypothermia or anything. Ash was also spinning around like a mad man until he got so dizzy he fell on his arse, spinning makes you hot I'm sure of it. So when the tell-tale gara-gara of the in laws' door opened and Grandma shuffled out she got straight into the fact that it was very very cold. No shit Grandma but don't need a running weather forecast... She then insisted Ash must be too cold and that he needed another layer and warmer pants. He was in the sun and clearly not cold so I just smiled and ignored, giving her the stock standard ignoring language. She then ushered him inside as it was far too cold in her opinion but I wasn't that fussed about it, I was actually getting a bit sick of wiping dirt of Ash's bum every time he did a dizzy fall. But then we got inside where the kerosene stove is burning a small country worth of energy and I instantly start sweating. She then announces that we'll take Ash's big arse puffy jacket off when.... his face goes red...?
Ummmm Grandma, if the face is red, he's already too hot you big old twit!!! I was just about to plead gaijin ignorance and take his jacket off anyway when Ryota walked in and said "Why the fuck is Ash wearing a huge bastard jacket in here, it's boiling!!!" and ripped it off him telling Grandma she was going senile if she thought he would be cold inside. See, this is where I'm at a disadvantage, if I did that Grandma would probably smack me in the mouth and tell me to get my crack whore gaijin arse off her property!
The last, and most exasperating event came mid-morning. I went for a run, leaving Ash with Ryota and expecting to come home to the same thing, however, Ryota being a spoilt Chonan is actually incapable of watching Ash by himself for longer than about 5 minutes and without fail always ends up begging for some of Grandma's titty (in a metaphorical way, but still, vomit) by going over to the in-laws' house. We'd planned to go out for lunch and shopping as soon as I got home from my run and Grandma had been told this but she obviously had some kind of problem with it, as she said, "You're always going out shopping! What do you buy anyway!?" Fuck off lady, I window shop OK! I then caught her slipping Ash snacks on the sly, when she knew we were taking him out for lunch the stupid old bat. But you know, a snack or two probably isn't going to dent the sumo-like appetite of my 2 year old so I held my tongue. It was when I spied her warming up pork buns and muttering that 'Ash might like some' that I really got pissed, a snack is one thing, a pork bun will ensure that I will spend my relaxing Saturday lunch chasing a toddler around a restaurant because he's full and tired from being full. Dog fucker even was on my side today and said "Grandma, they just said they're going out for lunch, don't show him food now or he won't eat anything else!" That may be the most intelligent thing that has ever come out of her mouth, and I nodded in total agreement but Grandma was on a mission to give him the pork bun, and of course if Ash sees food he's not going to say "err no Grandma, I'll save my appetite for lunch." Dog fucker advised me to make a run for it before Grandma could feed him anything and I took the advice and grabbed him, half-dressed, making a dash for the genkan but the old duck is surprisingly quick on her feet when she's on a feeding mission, as I was getting my shoes on she desperately made a leap with the pork bun, shoving it right in to Ash's mouth where he gladly co-operated in the mission to ruin my day and raise my blood pressure. I slammed the door (as much as you can slam a rickety old Japanese sliding door) and huffed in to the car while Ash chomped down his damn pork bun and fumed for a while before bitching to Ryota for about 15 minutes.
Needless to say, Ash wasn't hungry, was a total demon in the restaurant and then got overly sleepy until I used the emergency lollipop kept in an 'break in emergency' glass case in my bag. I managed to wolf down my meal in the time it takes for a kid to bite through an emergency lollipop. Thanks Grandma, I really hope I can return this favour to you some day, or at least offer you some mochi and hope for the best...