When I was little my parents called me 'the drama queen' and I must admit, I do have a certain talent for being dramatic. The events of yesterday weren't quite as earth-shattering as I made out, actually, for Ryota things are quite normal, but you know sometimes you have an argument with somebody and it effects you much much more than them?? And for reasons that are really hard to explain, but something just hits a nerve...? Am I the only drama queen in history to have this problem...?
Basically, we've been having little catty fights here and there all this week, and me being a typical fuckin' woman, have managed to get pissed off, bottle that emotion up and add it to the things that have already got my nose out of joint, so eventually they just explode all over the shop in one swift, tear-filled burst. Why do I do this?? Why do we do this, us women?? If I was like a man and just said what I felt at the time (or punched a wall or two), it wouldn't all build up and my life may be simple. Well, probably not, but surely a bit simpler!?
So yesterday was a build up of a few pesky fights that were getting to me, but it was more the way he dealt with it that made me so upset. So, he went surfing on Saturday, and this was fine, I had to work 3 lessons but MIL was off and could watch Ash, I had a car, all good. But still, Ash kept saying "Daddy work!" out of the blue, and I kept answering with "Hmmmm no, not work, just buggering off to have fun without us" I should stop doing that though, Ash may surprise me and start repeating things like that one day soon! Anyway, when he got back at 4pm (he'd left at 5 in the morning) Ash had already been asleep for about an hour and I was itching to go for a run and buy some ink for the printer, but I waited patiently like a good wifey and did the appropriate "Okaeri-ing" when he got home. Now, if it was me, and Ryota gave me a free day to do whatever I wanted, whether I had a shit day or not, I would just lie and said I had a great time, however, Ryota came in to say what a waste of a day it had been, as they drove 4 hours for the waves to only be....too big. Ummm, so my day was wasted too?? Don't tell me mother fucker!!!
Anyway, I ended up pissing about getting dinner ready, meanwhile, Ryota conked out under the kotatsu, and fair enough he must have been tired. At 5pm I had to leave for the school to do the million and one lessons I had to prepare, and Ash had woken up (and done a massive shit for me to change) anyway so I gently urged Ash to jump on Ryota so I could leave. He opened one eye half-way and groaned "I wannnnaaaa sleep for another half an hoooooouuurrrr!!!!!" I didn't really know what to do with this, what did he want me to do?? Give up my work for his selfish sleep?? Magically conjure a nanny to work for free?? Tie our son to a chair and gag him?? Actually that last one isn't a bad idea...
No, he wanted me to dump Ash with the in-laws and piss off to work to leave him in child and wife free sleepy peace. Now, I'm all for dumping Ash at the in-laws, but not for sleep. For work, or for convenience sometimes but not just because one of us want to sleep. I made this clear with my huffing around the house getting ready (again, really should use words) until he got his lazy arse up to take Ash to the in-laws. That's another thing too, if it's my family, I feel totally guilt free with kid-dumping, but it's different with your in-laws. I think he thinks I'm super comfortable around my in-laws when I'm actually not. I also think he should have just sucked it up and not slept, you do the crime, you pay the time. If I go out on the piss all night, of course if there's ample opportunity I'm going to sleep all day but if I can't then stiff luck, that's just the way life works. Unless you're a pampered Japanese shell boy that is...
But that tiff kind of just evaporated as I was so happy work was over when I got home that I kind of forgot about it. Then, come to yesterday. (Sunday) Ryota had rented movies the night before and started watching one in the morning. I REALLY wanted to go running as I didn't go the day before and felt gross. So, half-way through the movie (that I wasn't watching) I started to get ready for a run, not even thinking about it, but just generally getting ready. Ash was OK at the start of the movie, watching it a bit or playing with his toys, but like most 2 year olds he got restless and was being noisy towards the end half. But, you know, it's a movie, that's why they invented the fuckin' pause button! So Ryota pauses it and starts making pissed off sighs and noises, he then accused me of purposely getting ready to say I wanted him to look after Ash while I ran, he also said that I was selfish and that I should watch Ash while he finished the movie. This is where I really lost it and screamed at him that he was being unfair, and that I watched Ash the whole day on Saturday for him to go surfing. My drama queen instincts had already kicked in and while I was ranting away I started ripping off my running gear and getting Ash dressed, I was determined to take Ash out of the house all day if his time was that fuckin' precious. Grandma came in at that point and was a bit rattled by the half naked gaijin and all the screaming going on as she couldn't understand the English parts thrown in. Ryota then went back and said sorry and said he forgot about the day before, but the damage was already done, I was in hissy fit mode,the apology wasn't very sincere in my opinion, AND I have a feeling he was just back-tracking to get himself out of the shit. He then got really really angry and said: "You go, by yourself, fucking bitch! You're a fucking bitch!"
Now he said this in English, and with pure hatred in his voice. And this is what really rattled me. When we first met, he would never have said something like that to me, so if 3 years marriage=fucking bitch, what will it be in 10 years?? Cunt?? Stupid fat fucking slut??
Experience has taught me that things like this only get worse with time, so I realised that we had a big problem because if he a) Said it in the heat of the moment or b) Really meant it, we were fucked either way. If it was a temper/heat of the moment thing, then it can only get worse from here and if he really meant it, then I'd get a divorce any day over having hatred like that between us.
It made me think very hard about the fact we got married way too young, way too fast, and for all the wrong reasons. Can I put up with this kind of stuff for the next however long??
It was a wake up call that seriously made me ponder things.
Too much pondering... Brain hurting.....
OK, sorry for the heavy rant and the use of the word 'cunt' in there. Back to light reading tomorrow when I'll inform you of an unusual lunch I went to last week with MIL and the local dirt path midget slag.