Thursday 31 May 2012

Dog guilt

Dear fucking God I cursed the dog with my post!

Within literally 10 minutes of writing that last post, sister-in-law informed me she was cancelling her one day of work she has a week and could she please borrow our car because the dog was 'shindoi.'
Now 'shindoi 'is one of those lovely over-used Japanese words that can mean anything from 'a bit buggered', to 'just can't be fucked', to 'on my death bed'. So she clarified that the dog wasn't able to walk and wasn't eating anything.

I instantly felt bad, I didn't mean to curse the poor little thing with my blogging!
So they took him to the vet and he was no better today so he's staying at the vet getting drips and making said vet rich to see if he gets any better, but when sister in law came home in tears she said the vet had kept saying "Hmmm he is really old you know..." I guess that meant there wasn't that much they could do. I personally feel putting him down is the humane thing to do with pets that have had a long life (he's 12) and have little chance of good quality of life, but I dare not say this to sister-in-law (I just feel wrong calling her dog-fucker now...) because she may just have a bit of a mental breakdown.

I offered my help in any way as far as driving to and from vets and gave her an awkward pat on the back, if it had been a normal person a hug would have been in order but the Japanese aren't big on hugging and especially not sister-in-law, so I steered clear.

The only thing that gives me hope the dog will recover, is when sister-in-law went on holiday for a week a few years ago, we all were SO sure the dog was dying, but he's THAT pampered that he was just missing her and perked up when she got home. The timing is interesting seeing as though MIL is in Thailand, I wonder if he'll make a dramatic recovery when she gets back. I made the mistake(?) of mentioning this to SIL and she jumped on it straight away, mailing furiously that her mum should come home asap, she's still got a week of her trip to go and is with her on-again, off-again boyfriend in Bangkok so I doubt she'll want to come home earlier, (plus I want my fake bags I ordered!!) but who knows what the members of this family will do for that dog.

So blogging Gods, I officially apologise for teasing the poor dog, please help him to recover quickly!!

Tuesday 29 May 2012

Happy Birthday dear... Dog...?

I'm totally an animal lover, I prefer cats to dogs, but that's only because I love that cats are more arrogant and easier to care for. But is it just me that sees it as weird to get a birthday cake for their pet every year??
Now a doggy cake, I can understand. Some nice steak in his dog bowl, fine. A special doggy treat, OK! But a real human cake that the dog himself can't actually eat...? What's the fucking point?!

I went to the in-law's house yesterday to go and retrieve Ash who had gone there hours earlier, usually I'm glad for the peace and order that no small child brings, but they feed him loads of crap RIGHT before dinner which means I feel like throwing the plate of whatever I've made over his head when he refuses to eat it, which isn't really fair, seeing as though it's not really his fault... Anyway!
As expected, he's tucking in to a big piece of strawberry shortcake, not the cheapo shit either, a real fujiya birthday cake complete with the birthday message plate that Ash was licking. Just as he shoved the message plate into his mouth I caught the name on it and realised it was the dog's name... So SIL had gone to the trouble of ordering a custom made birthday cake, paid for it, (this may have been Grandma because she has no money) gone and collected it and eaten it... Alone. Or with the dog...?
Some of you have asked why I call her 'dog-fucker' and this kind of shit is precisely why. She has an unhealthy relationship with this dog, seriously. I was actually a bit miffed, why didn't she invite us over for dog birthday cake!? It seems a bit less sad if at least there's a gathering for the dog's birthday, rather than just sister-in-law, the dog, a dark room and some candle light. Did she sing happy birthday to him?? I seriously wish I had a hidden camera that could follow her around sometimes. God only knows what happens when she settles down with the dog at night under her futon.. It makes me shudder...

There has been a lot of talk lately about dog fucker ever getting a real life/getting married, but I'm actually more intrigued as to what she's going to do when the dog dies, I swear to God there will be mental breakdowns, tears, bouts of depression... I don't want the dog to go or anything, but he's 12 and seems to be in pain half the time, so him fading away might not be a bad thing, it will certainly be an interesting social experiment to watch dog-fucker's reaction anyway.

It's her birthday on Sunday too, I'm not sure what I should do as MIL's in Thailand the official party organising duties probably fall on my shoulders, but perhaps I'll cry busy pregnant woman and worm my way out of it... What do you buy for the girl with no life and a dog obsession...?!

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Come on Japan, let's get with it!

The mayor of Osaka not only forces teachers to stand and face the flag while singing the national anthem. He wants to fire any public worker who has a tattoo.

Usually this would mildly annoy me. However, half my income, ie. Ryota's income depends on this issue, what with him being a public worker with tattoos and all.

Toru Fuckface Hashimoto's father and uncle who are both dead have been said to have been associated with the yakuza and Hashimoto himself was raised in a poor area and probably labelled "burakku." So now he has a hard on for anyone working in the public sector who is mobbed up. Fair enough, Daddy issues, I get it. But firing anyone with a tattoo?? Come on now, this is 2012 where tattoos are clearly gaining popularity for cosmetic reasons, even in Japan. Pop singers have them, surely that means something in this damn country!? Maybe if AKB48 all get matching tatts then wankers like Hashimoto may change their minds...?

A postman in Osaka was fired for having a beard. Is it only me that sees this as a problem...? Luckily he fought the system, won, and got compensation and his job back. Of course he will probably be scrubbing post office floors for the rest of his life, but it's the principle that counts.
 Kids at school will be held down kicking and screaming while make-up is scrubbed off their face and their hair is sprayed black if they've dyed it... I've seen this being done, and that girl was literally clawing and screeching to keep her individuality as it was erased so she could fall into line among the other faceless, indistinguishable black-haired girls. I hated watching it, but I live in Japan so I have to follow the rules to a certain extent and kept my mouth shut.

Is the lack of individuality the reason why Japanese society functions?? What would happen if we were to scrap the rules about looking/acting the same?? Would everyone's brains explode??

Ryota sometimes say to me when we have a difference of opinions (which is often!), "We're not a good team, we don't have the same thinking!" But I want to scream at him, "If I had the same thinking as you all the time, I would die of boredom." I like arguing. I like people who are different. I like individuality! Not to say Ryota is a lemming, there are times where I'm more Japanese than Ryota, but just some issues where he is totally into conformity. He has his bi-annual health check this week, and once again we shall put tape over his tattoos and he will tell the doctor he strained a muscle... in his back, and err... arm, yup, same as every other check Doc!
I really want him to not cover them and see what happens but I fear we're not far enough yet, we need more bearded posties and less Hashimotos before that will ever happen.

Friday 18 May 2012

Mother's day divorce

I swear to God if Ryota and I ever get divorced, I guarantee it will happen on Mother's day. I don't know why, but it is NEVER a good day. OK, we've only had 4 together, but the 1st one was a disaster because he did sweet fuck all and I was new to the whole 'Japanese guys don't give a shit about sentimental holidays' game and was really upset, the second I was pissed because he knew I got upset the first time but still didn't get it right or make much of an effort at all, and the third was a disaster that ended up in me sobbing at the register of a restaurant. So by the 4th, I was fully prepared for him to not do anything, but turned out he made a VERY good effort, but we ended up in massive fight anyway.
The fight started on Saturday. OK, actually it started when he went to Australia and I cleaned our house from top to bottom, and not just surface cleaning and shoving shit in cupboards like my usual efforts, I'm talkin' organising, cleaning, scrubbing type cleaning. You know, the type good housewives do everyday and shit. I don't blame him totally, because this is my hang up, but I thought he should appreciate my efforts a bit more than he did. Someone throwing shit all over the floor when you've spent a week meticulously folding underpants, scrubbing grime in the shower and looking after a 3 year old by yourself was not the best way to impress me, but when Ryota got home he proceeded to do his usual trick of throwing his clothes wherever they fell. It drives me nuts, especially when it's sweaty undies or socks strewn all over the place after he's been running. But, I know it's just something he's not good at, he's quite good at other cleaning type stuff, just clothes and coffee cups are his downfall, so I do what I believe you have to do in a partnership- I suck it up and keep it zipped, because getting on with people is all about compromise in my opinion.

So come Saturday morning and Ash spilt his drink. I went to grab a rag to mop it up. I may be strange but I see a rag as a rag, I wipe whatever and then I throw it in the washing machine so to me it doesn't really matter what I mop up, unless it's baby poo or something and then I use bum wipes. But apparently this is repulsive to Ryota, who's family have always separated table rags from floor rags. Now, I get this, you don't have to wash the table rags every time, but it just wasn't how it was done in my house, so considering I do all of the cleaning in the house, I do it my way. This drives Ryota mental, it always has, along with my lack of refrigerator management, which I admit is not good, but fuck, cut me some slack, nobody is perfect! After we had a spat about it, he then plastered his protests on facebook, which pissed me off too, but whatever, it's just facebook I didn't really give a fuck.

I went to work on Saturday afternoon and got home at 8 to Ryota furiously cleaning out the fridge. I was too tired to give a fuck but when he started getting narky with me obviously pissed off it really fucked me off. He then informed me that he and Ash had already eaten and he hadn't made anything for me. This just kind of hurt. I would never do that to him, especially if he'd been working and his coldness really upset me. It then released the bitch in me and I was PISSED. Slamming shit around and thinking about how lucky he was that his wife was willing to go out and work at all, maybe he should have married a Japanese woman who would have quit work when she got engaged! But noooo, stupid bastard has stupid piss poor job that doesn't make nearly enough money to support us. I was internalising all the anger, I felt/ feel? like a big victim in that I'm still working so hard this pregnancy. He called me a stupid bitch at one point and I said "Fucking leave if I'm such a stupid bitch then!"

I stomped off to bed and he slept in the spare room, I'm ALWAYS the one to apologise first but not this time, not over fucking separating rags and not cleaning the fridge properly. Golden week without him really showed me that I can go it alone if I really have to, it saves me hours in picking up sweaty undies if nothing else. The next morning I had to work in Osaka and I always take Ash with me in the stroller so Ryota always drops us off at the train station but because we were ignoring each other he fucked off for a haircut, leaving me (8 months pregnant mind you) to struggle with Ash and the stroller balanced in the bicycle to the station about a 10 minute ride away. Not a big deal, but again, very hurtful that it was mother's day and he didn't care enough about me or the baby enough to swallow his pride and insist on driving us to the station. Again, I know I was playing the victim a bit, it was my choice to work after all, but still... Chivalry is so past dead in Japan it's not funny.

So after he fucked off I sent him a text saying I wanted him out of the house by the time I got home, and he replied with "Fine I'll be back May 20th." I wanted to send another one back saying, "why stop at May 20th, just fucking leave for good!" But I didn't want to text again so just left it. He was there when I got home, as were a present, flowers and card on the table. I ignored all and he said he was leaving soon. I think he expected me to open a dialogue but I wasn't having it, just said "good" and collapsed on the couch, I was pretty fucked after working anyway. He started banging things into a bag and finally left. It was when I didn't hear his bike that I realised by "moving out" he was going to Grandma's house (3 fucking steps away!) Stupid twat.
After about an hour he came back, I think Grandma had told him to stop being an arse and he came back to talk. We had it out, the details of the argument are kind of boring, but basically I made it very clear I didn't feel appreciated or considered enough and that if I was a housewife doing lunches with friends and watching Korean dramas all day then he had every right to knit pick about cleaning, but when I'm working and doing the majority of the house stuff he had no fucking right to bitch.
So after that exhausting weekend of fighting I finally got some awesome shoes and a new personalised ipod saying "always love you Mummy" along with the token carnations, so he finally got the

Saturday 12 May 2012

A look inside dog-fucker's psyche...

So all the family is back together again, that's Grandma, MIL, Ryota, Dog-fucker, BIL, Ash, my growing belly, the (fucked) dog and our little cat. Now for me, this means more people to deal with, more drama and generally just having to co-exist with nice enough people but people who none the less never really cut it because they just aren't my own family. For dog-fucker, this is her heaven.

I guess for people with very few friends (not that I should brag, not exactly a social butterfly myself) family is VERY important. I never realised just how important for dog-fucker until last night when we were all sprawled out in the living room watching Ash do something that we all think is cute but you'd probably think is obnoxious, when I heard the "click! click!" sounds of a camera and looked up to see dog-fucker with tears in her eyes taking pictures.

I was in my pyjamas doing stretched to try and get the damn baby in my belly to get his head down and bum up (he's still breech), Ryota was sweaty and doing sit-ups after going for a run, (or shagging perhaps, who knows?!) MIL was going through receipts to see how much BIL's medical bills were going to cost, and Grandma and BIL were just lounging around, not a pretty picture, but obviously significant to dog-fucker?? When we asked her what the fuck she was doing, well actually the first words out of my mouth were "OI! NO FACEBOOK I'M FAR TOO FAT FOR FACEBOOK!!!" She said that she thought it was a nice picture to see us all together and relaxed...

It was nice to see a soft side of her, but Ryota read my mind and said "Jesus, you need to get a life!!"

We got along quite well when it was just us for the week, although she has vowed never to go to her father's house again because all the family there were giving her shit for not being able to get married when we had a BBQ during golden week. Her Dad and his brother were horribly pissed and I did join in and had a bit of a dig too, but I was sober enough to see the dark cloud wash over her face as she got more and more pissed off with their taunting. She'll be 27 next month, which is considered getting old and definitely to marrying age in Japan, which I would usually say is ridiculous, I wanted to get married any time after 28. But dog-fucker is 27 and has never had a relationship, of any kind. She's barely had friendships, and I'd say with 90-100% certainty that she's never kissed a guy. Only dogs...

I don't think 27 is too late by any standards, but you gotta have some kind of platform, no?? Maybe I'm being old-fashioned. Besides, if she's happy fornicating with dogs for the rest of her life, who is anyone else to interfere? I just hope we don't get stuck with her spinster arse at some later stage!

I wish there was more juicy gossip to dig but sadly dog-fucker has been quite mentally stable the last few months. I'm sure with enough marriage teasing she will be pushed over the edge.

Tomorrow is Mother's day, I'm just waiting for Ryota to spectacularly disappoint me like every other year, I'll let you know!

Monday 7 May 2012

GW wrap up. Single-mother style!

So brother in law is back in Japan, as is MIL and Ryota. Turns out he has some rare brain disease called "Moyamoya disease" or もやもや病 in Japanese. When Ryota told me, I was like, 'OK, what is it in English?' So there was utter confusion until we had established that whities usually don't get it and the word in English is the same in Japanese... It's rare and serious and will need an operation, but he should be fine, a big relief!

So Ryota left for Australia on the Saturday of Golden week and came back yesterday, which meant I had a whole week free of work and annoying husband! Annoying child remained, but I think it was a twist of fate, after the baby is born (NEXT FUCKING MONTH BY THE WAY!?!?) Ash will have very little alone time with me, he hardly gets any now, so this week was good for us to bond... and shit. It was actually a good test, to see if I could survive as a single mother if I had to, not saying I'd want to, although it was nice doing things at my own pace. And I could! More than I just managed, I was a super fucking housewife! I made cakes and dinners and cleaned the house top to bottom, I could actually get used to the housewife life if we ever win lotto or something!

Of course it wasn't all happy 1950's housewife, there was the elevator incident mentioned in the previous post that still has me thinking I want to escape this fucking country, Ash driving me crazy on numerous occasions, and a bit of loneliness at night, but all were overcome with me blog-venting, taking deep breaths before I threw Ash out the window and cuddling up with my ipad on the sofa respectively.

We didn't really do anything fun, but seeing as though we're saving money and all I wanted to do was take it easy and roll around in the warm and fuzzy feeling of not having to work, it was perfect! I even bonded with the dog-fucker a little bit, she's actually been tolerable lately.

So of course it will be different with two kids, but I think if it came to the crunch, I could be a single mother! Comforting when your husband is a bit of an arse really! He gave me a big squeezy hug when he got back, which is kind of out of character for him and said he'd 'studied' while he was in Australia. He said that he'd met some Aussie couples and the wives were lazy cows and that he really appreciated me! So a good trip for all involved really.

Back to work today, but it's amazing what a week off will do, when you feel refreshed you don't actually mind when a student tells you they went to shopping or their hobbies include sleeping...

Hope everyone had a nice golden week, and if you're not in Japan I feel sorry for you, Golden week is fucking awesome!

 Loot from Australia!

 The welcome home sign I actually had time to make, what else is a housewife going to do!?

Err... Ash

Tuesday 1 May 2012


There are lots of stereotypes about Japan, some of them more true than others. But the stereotype that Japanese people are polite, is not true. They may appear polite for things that they choose to show an image of being polite with, but on a basic level, they aren't. I already knew this, but it was demonstrated to me today on the most clear, basic, human level of manners there is.

Here's the scene: crowded shopping centre in Osaka, 10th floor. I'd waited patiently for at least 5 minutes at the doors of the disabled elevator. Let me clarify what qualifies you to ride the disabled elevator; you are in a wheelchair, have a physical disability, have a stroller and therefore can't ride the escalators safely, you are pregnant, or you have some other kind of physical disability that makes walking difficult. This is all written in Japanese, however there are also little cute pictures so any fucktard can work it out.

Now personally, if I'm by myself (and not heavily pregnant) I never ride the disabled elevators or sit on the seats on the train. It's just the way I was brought up, however I don't have a problem with people who aren't disabled using these facilities, provided there is enough space for people who really need to use them and they vacate if someone needs to use them. Is this not common sense?

So anyway, I got on the elevator and was crammed in with at least 10 other people who appeared to have no physical disabilities. There was also one other lady who had a stroller. It was a tight squeeze and my clearly swollen belly was grinding into the side railing, but it's just an elevator ride, I was fine. The elevator made its way down and the bell cheerily dinged and the doors slid open on the 9th floor with a sea of hopeful faces wanting to see some space for them. After their faces dropped at the realization that there was no chance of them squeezing in, the doors closed again and we began to go down again. The doors once again opened at the 8th floor and the only person waiting was a man in a wheelchair.

He smiled and said "oh it's all full!" as the doors started to slide closed and I just though " ummm what the fuck is going on here!?" this is when I stretched my long gaijin arms and smacked the 'open' button while saying (in Japanese ) "hang on, this is a disabled elevator!" I took Ash out with my finger still on the open button and told the man in the wheelchair to get on the elevator. Now this is where I expected someone to get off so we could get back on, and after it became apparent that nobody was, I saw fucking red. I saw more than red, I was filled with hatred and rage for the people on that elevator. Being pregnant doesn't help these situations I'm sure.
The man in the wheelchair was still saying thank you to me, but apart from that, every person on that elevator was looking at their fucking feet like slimy fucking cunts.

This is what I said (again in Japanese)

Is nobody going to get off?


Can nobody read that sign in Japanese....? No? Only me?...

REALLY?! The only person who is willing together off this elevator is the one who is 8 months pregnant?! Nobody is ashamed of this?!

A woman actually had the fucking nerve to bow her ugly cunt of a head in something that she must have thought was an apology! I wish I'd smacked her hard enough to show her how much she should really bow. And as the doors closed, I was shaking my head and said in English "you slimy cunts"

This isn't the first time this has happened, in Osaka it is a frequent occurrence and I can't stand it. I don't want to live here with these people who spout filth about how polite they are and that they hate being lumped together with the rest of Asia, that Chinese people have no manners. Fuck it maybe they don't have good manners ,but at least they don't go around pretending to be something they're not.

I can't describe how angry this has made me, I don't want to live here anymore and before anyone says it, I know there are people like this in any place, but I think the thing that annoys me about it SO much in Japan, is the fact that these people are breaking a rule. Japanese people are ALL about the fucking rules in every other situation, but when it comes to the human decency of getting of your lazy arse and walking down an escalator to let someone who is less capable than you use a fucking elevator, nope, no following the rules here! I just don't get it!!!!

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