Monday 20 December 2010

Dear December...

Just fuck right off would you!

Since when did the 'most joyful' month of the year become my living hell?? It seems that it gets worse every year! I have had no time to enjoy the Christmas spirit at all for a few reasons: 1) It doesn't exist in this Japanese world of superficial, commercial Christmas bullshit. 2) The school is busy and getting busier with 2 Christmas parties planned for this week, the main one I have to do totally by myself (more on this later). 3) The only thing I have to look forward to is New year which instead of me drinking champers on the beach with a hot bloke will be me hibernating under the kotatsu drooling over calorie-laden mochi that I can't eat.

OK not quite, I am shutting the school for a week, which will be a nice break, and my bestie and her fiancee from Oz are staying with us for a while over the break so I shouldn't be such a scrooge!

I've always looked forward to Christmas, but not this year, I'm doing a cookie party at the school on Christmas day and then doing normal lessons in the evening so working is always a good way to squeeze that Chrissy spirit right out of you. I'm contemplating cheering myself up by moving Christmas to the Sunday for us and heading to Universal studios and then a hard rock cafe meal, however that will be my calorie intake for, hmmm, the whole Christmas holiday! (15kgs down though, and fitting in to my 'skinny dress'!!!) Oh yeah, and the cookie party will be totally organised and run by me because Ryota feels 'awkward' doing things at the school, ummmm fucking suck it up and help me biatch, 15 kiddies and icing are not a good mix! I suspect he will be guilted in to helping me though, if not I may recruit BIL to help me, he's childish and will play with the kiddies and just dumb enough to follow my instructions without question.

We've spent the last 3 days buried in shit and vomit, Ash managed to pick up norovirus from kindy and seeing as though he vomited all over me at least 3 times I was bound to get it too. Although I should count my lucky stars as both of us were vomity for about 2 days and then not too bad. Still, any vomit is bad. Ryota was being a bit of an insensitive fucker when I was ill, I had to walk to the fucking conbini myself for lemonade and made it VERY clear how not happy I was with that display of prick-ness. He did a bow and a sumimasen and promised to be more gentleman-like in the future. I should think so too!

Anyway, fighting fit now and looking forward to getting all this Christmas bollocks out of the way so I can do pretty much nothing for a week. We've been Oosouji-ing (big-arse clean up at the end of the year, equivalent to Spring cleaning?) our bums off since yesterday so hopefully the house will be spotless and junk free (well, shoved on the verandah at least) for the break. Right, speaking of junk, must go put the rodeo boy away in storage, yet another exercise machine that will never be used. Yahoo auction, get ready for a rodeo boy... Anyone want it!? Bloggy mates rates, as in free to good home!!!

Saturday 11 December 2010

Seriously, do not mess with a girl craving calories!

I successfully had the biggest fight I've ever had in Japan today, well, with a stranger anyway.

I'm more of a lover than a fighter, I don't usually stir shit for the sake of it and am pretty tolerant, but the horrible man who got in my way today (quite literally) just pushed me way over the edge. He didn't even do anything that bad, you know, in comparison to say, wanking on my door or shouting racist slurs at me or anything. (Both of which have happened to me incidentally!) But it was just his pure stubborn rudeness that fucked me right off!

The day started out with an annoyance. I woke up and Ryota was gone, and because the space in the genkan was suspiciously empty exposing my lack of dusting it was quite obvious he'd pissed off surfing. He'd mentioned it a few days before so I wasn't that upset, I Christmas shop way better without him anyway. Then, as I was leaving I couldn't find my ipod, not a disaster, but planned on going to the big shopping centre about half an hour away and it was either half an hour of hearing Ash saying "CAR!!!" every time he saw one, or, cranking up some good bad music and singing really loud, freaking out all surrounding traffic. After frantically looking EVERYWHERE and even breaking the golden rule of going beyond the genkan with shoes on (I was wearing boots, who can be fucked!?) to have one last look, the tiny little bastard was nowhere to be found. I also checked my handbag at least 4 times but it wasn't until the 5th time that I found it in a side pocket. So major annoyance was avoided, music was cranked, and off we went on our final Christmas shopping adventure. This was my 3rd trip this week, I've discovered that when you have small children, doing shopping in dribs and drabs is much more effective than trying to do a mammoth day, they just get too tired. All I had to get were a few bits and pieces to fill out the family box and Ryota's present. He said he doesn't want anything because he bought his wetsuit earlier in the year but he totally knows I'm a gaijin sucker who would never not get him anything for Christmas. So I ended up getting him the G-shock surfing watch that he's wanted for ages, hopefully he'll like it.

I'm getting side tracked... Oh yeah, annoying fucker!!! So shopping went awesome, Ash sat and ate his lunch like a little angel, went around the shops with me like a trooper and only got tired just as we were about to leave, car sleep- perfect!!! It wasn't until we got to our little dirt path house that the trouble began. Basically, the road that runs off our dirt path (which is an actual road, although narrow as all fuck) is a two-way street that only fits one car. Go figure... So if there is a battle of the cars, usually the car closest to a street to back in to will do the right thing and let the other car pass. Now I have no problem with backing up for people, I usually volunteer, I drive a midget car after all. But a bit of appreciation is always nice, a friendly horn beep, a bow, a wave, anything is nice. I always make all of these gestures if someone backs up for me and I expect the same in return.

As I swung into the narrow road today, I was confronted with a black car coming the other way. Now, in my mind, it was logical for him to back-up, he was closest to the back-up streets as I couldn't back out on to the main road, but the arrogant fuck stick just sat there waiting for me to make a move. I think this is what gets me the most, sometimes in this situation, I have no intention of moving, but I at least look like I'm making an attempt!! This sit out went on for mere seconds but was already enough to piss me off, but seeing as though fucker wasn't going to move I figured, no biggie, just back in to the first street I could, let him pass, then drive easily out facing front. So I revved the engine a bit to demonstrate I was cheesed off and discovered he'd crept forward just enough so it was impossible for me to back in. I got as close as I could to his car which usually prompts the other driver to back up a bit, but noooo, not this arse. He just sat there!!! I revved a bit more before losing it and making wild hand gestures trying to say I was going to back in but I needed more room to get in. He didn't get it.
he then put his indicator on, so I thought he must have reconsidered his miserable existence and decided to do the right thing and back-up for me, but no, as I backed up, he just drove further, completely blocking me from doing anything. About 2 minutes of hand gestures later and the cunt was still just sitting there. (Sorry for using cunt but I'm getting angry again just thinking about it!)

I couldn't take it any longer I got out of the car and yelled at him to move back as there was no way I was backing out on to the main road. He then muttered something and I really lost it. I don't know if it was 6 years of Japan frustration, the diet pills pulsing through my veins, my body starved for fatty food and beer... (that will be taken care of tonight!) But I actually went off my tree, and in English too which is quite rare for me as I like to break the "me no speaky Japanesey" stereotype. I think my screeching rant went something like this:


It was possibly the exploding vein in my forehead, the tone of my voice or the amount of obscenities, but the coward just rolled up his window and looked at me, dazed and stupefied. I think he was thinking 'Oh fuck, I've messed with a mental gaijin, are her biker friends going to come and beat me senseless soon!?'

I got back in the car and really revved my engine then, I had visions of 10 things I hate about you and Fried green tomatoes where the characters just go mental and ram the fuck out of the arsehole car in question, but alas, my life isn't a movie and my insurance definitely does not cover "Ooops!" He backed up but still not far enough for me to back-in. I could hardly believe it but gave in for fear of actually having a stress-related heart attack and drove in at wild speeds while giving him the finger and another bout of insults. I'm sure he's watched enough American movies to know the meaning of the finger. I also jotted down his licence plate and Ryota assures me if he sees his car he'll be vandalising appropriately.

Fuck me I really need a drink!!!

Friday 10 December 2010

The dream

I have a dream! Wow, those words sound vaguely familiar...?

Anyway, doesn't everyone have some sort of dream that they know will 99.9% never come true, but it's nice to fantasise about it anyway?? Maybe most of us are too embarrassed to admit what it is though?? Go on, I dare you to tell me what yours is!

Ever since I was old enough to write I've loved it, despite being a lefty and 'in the old days' going to bed with pen smudges all up the side of my hand I've always loved writing stories. Of course, when I was younger, those stories were always fictional, because my life was as boring as bat shit. But living in Japan somehow makes life interesting, there's always some story of dog-fucking sister-in-laws, crazy Japanese customs or the stress (and quite often, hilarity) of being in an international marriage.

So I have my dream, and just to fit the cliche, yup, it's a 'I'm gunna write this here book' dream! I even have the title picked out, and the cover graphics! But I figure if I want that tiny, teeny little chance for my dream to come true, I gotta get jottin! So I think January will be a daily post challenge month. December can fuck right off because it's half-way done and, well, just a bastard of a busy month.

In other news, some of you asked how MIL is going with the diet. She's doing really well actually! 7 and a half kgs down, and that's with no exercise. Goes to show you that exercise really does make a difference though, I definitely eat more calories than her in a day but also jog 5kms too. I can totally see the difference in her face and neck but she's pissed that everyone is commenting on my weight loss and nobody has said anything to her. I explained that I was fatter than her to begin with, therefore the weight loss is more noticeable. Plus the poor pet is really, really short so the pudge just sort of gets re-arranged. Giants such as me however get all lanky when they lose weight, one of the many advantages of being tall! (Along with helping old ladies reach high shelves and everyone assuming you're a Russian hostess...)

I'm planning to get my mototrbike licence some time in the new year, of course if I get the licence I'm going to want the shiny new motorbike to go with it but we'll cross that debt-laden bridge when we come to it. I've had my eyes on one of these for quite a while now and when I casually mentioned it to Ryochan he almost got a hard on he got so excited at the prospect of going on motorbike rides on the weekend. He couldn't believe that we would both have a common hobby. The current arrangement of him surfing and me drinking is not good for family togetherness and shit. He's already planned our first trip to Shiga to take in some fresh country air. Always does get a bit ahead of himself that boy.

Right, going to spice up my Friday night by hearing the same boring shit from some Junior high school students. I'm seriously thinking of bribing them to tell me something other than: "I studied. I played volleyball. I was fun..."

I'll also leave you with a shot of my amazing, incredible, magic shrinking face. I had another comment from the teacher at kindy today that my face very well might disappear soon... Worrying thought. I really should get some bastard to take a photo of me to do before and after flab loss. Sassymoo, your job on Saturday before we get plastered!!!

Wednesday 8 December 2010

And so it begins again.

Oh yes, the dog-fucker tensions are again rising. I'm going to compare her to, say, North Korea, (because if she could read this it would really piss her off...) she's a loner with ridiculous ideas on how the world works, aggressive, annoying and the rest of the world wishes she would just fuck right off.

Things have been quite calm of late with my dear dog-fucking sister-in-law, it was almost as if the big SMAP blow-out of 2010 didn't happen. Of course, being the grudge holder that I am, I haven't forgotten that she is actually a mental case who could go berserk at any moment, but on the exterior we've all been playing happy families. I've given her a lift a few times, she's watched Ash for me, so it's been all good.

Then the other day, a haircut was mentioned.

Dog-fucker and I used to go to the hair salon together, in the good old days before I felt like smacking her across the face every time I saw her, but since the SMAP argument, there have been no happy hair salon excursions, and quite frankly I was glad all that shit came to an end. It always ended up awkward anyway and if one of us wanted to go to the salon the other felt obligated to go too, even if we didn't really need anything doing. I rarely have the need to go anymore either, since I've recruited MIL to dye my roots for me and am growing my hair so don't really need cuts all that regularly. But when we got our discount tickets in the mail and dog-fucker asked me if we should go together, I looked at my split ends and thought that a trim couldn't hurt so agreed I'd go if my teaching schedule allowed.

Now, it's OK for her, all she has to do in a week is:
*Fuck the dog, as much as possible.
*Feed the dog. (All that love gives him a big appetite.)
*Walk the dog. And make sure to lick it's arse after the fresh turd pops out.
*Walk the dog at 5am and then sleep-in until lunch time every day. Because all this dog business gets exhausting!
*Go to work. Once every 2 weeks, if that, mind you.

So for her, it really wasn't that hard to find a time to go to the salon. On the other hand, I have to do things such as clean and cook and pay bills, work, shop, organise, budget and a whole other heap of shit that she would never understand as she's still got one of her mummy's tits in her mouth on a permanent basis. (I'd mention Grandma's tits too as they come into the equation but that image is very disturbing... trust me I've seen them!)
But I was sure a compromise could be met by me giving her a window of best time for me, which happened to be Thursday or Friday mornings, I have lessons but not until the afternoon. So she calls the salon, and makes the appointment for...Thursday afternoon! Silly twat. What part of morning did she not understand?! In my day morning meant before 12, not at 12, not after 12 and certainly not at 2pm. She mailed me the result of her useless appointment making skills and I promptly replied back that 2 was no good for me, but it was no problem, she should just go get her cut, I'd go another time. I was the one after all that has an awkward schedule.

Now seeing as though she was the one who fucked up the arrangements, I thought this was a pretty fair reply, I think I even put a little bowing man symbol in to signify the fact that I was humbly sorry for my busy-ness (how Japanese of me...) So I was more than a little fucked off when she replied back with: "What time are you teaching?? It's only a cut, it doesn't matter if it's not at the time you're teaching, right?"
I didn't reply to this, because 1) I would have just been repeating what I'd written in the first mail, and 2) Don't fuckin question me bitch, if i say I've got shit to do, I do!
I think this is one of the things the in-laws really don't get, Ryota included. Teaching (especially when you teach everything yourself from scratch) is all about the preparation. Especially kids lessons which require cards and games and materials and all that fiddly stuff.

So long story short, my mail snub resulted in total silent treatment snub from her over the last few days, which is cool, if only she could leave it at that but I know there will be some big confrontation at some point in the future over this. She may even bring Kimutaku back into it and claim I've been slandering him behind her back. Who knows with that crazy one.
Ryota also accidentally deleted her ipod music library the other day too which hasn't been helping with our family relations, I snickered on the inside of course. So we shall see, you all will be the first to know the minute shit goes down!

Diet update, for those interested:
12kgs down but appears to be slowing down, this could be due to the fact that I've been quite lazy and not running as much as I should be.

Friday 3 December 2010


It's reading stories like this that make me want to never sweat the small stuff again.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

Screw the diet pills...

I'm going on the 'My husband is an absolute wanker! diet.'

No, not really, although if we had arguments every day like we did the other night I would be a supermodel by the end of the year! I've found that if Ryota and I have an argument I lose all my appetite, even if could have eaten the crotch out of a low flying duck before the argument, I'll feel totally sick after a tiff. I've informed Ryota that if I look porky again any time soon he is to immediately pick a fight with me, the more trivial the better! Destructive marriage behaviour 101 right there...

It wasn't so much the actual argument that got me pissed off but it was the fact it made me think about my whole life and the system we were going by. Gotta hate it when thought is provoked, if only I was a simple trailer park girl whose biggest worry was what daytime soap to watch! Anyway, what happened was, I had to work until 8pm the other night, which by Japanese standards isn't anywhere near late, but is quite late for the one who has to organise the whole house or it turns into utter chaos. Anyway, I had prepared dinner earlier in the day when I'd had a break between lessons and it was in the oven ready to heat up but my bad, I didn't mail Ryota to tell him this. So Ryota got home at 6pm, as he does every night (VERY early for the usual J-guy!) and was cheesed off that the kitchen appeared bare and both him and Ash were grumpy and hungry. OK, first of all, poor fucking baby! Deal with it bitch, it's not that hard to pull something out of the freezer and shove it in the microwave! Or order in, I don't give a fuck. Now this is irrelevant, as I had made dinner, but he didn't know this at this point.

So fast-forward to about 8:15 when I shuffled in the door, tired and sick as a dog with some vicious cold and get absolutely no response from Ryota, who looked frazzled and irritated as all fuck. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, how was your day?

Him: OK. ........................... ..................... *scowly face*

Me: What's wrong, why are YOU pissed??

Him: Where's my fucking dinner, and Ash's fucking dinner!?

OK, he actually had the balls to say 'fucking' as well. That was when I immediately hit the roof and started quizzing him if he knew what year it was, you can't just say things like that to women anymore, we're likely to cut your penis off with a carving knife for that shit. I also pointed out the awesome looking gratin in the oven, chips ready to be oven baked and salad in the fridge. He went quiet then and muttered a sorry but I swear he still looked pissed off. I then tried to tell him calmly that despite the fact I had actually made dinner, even if I hadn't, he needed to lose the pampered Japanese boy routine and man the fuck up and cook something without whinging like a pussy bitch about it. He then told me the reason he was so pissed off was that there was a big plate of choc-chip muffins I'd baked on the kitchen table (errrr hello, wife of the year, wouldn't most men be happy with that!?) and he thought I'd baked muffins but hadn't cooked dinner. First of all, I'm not that dense, or fond of baking for that matter and second, who the fuck does he think I made those buttery, sugary choc-chippy goodness filled muffins for!? Certainly not this diet queen!!! Mother fucking ungrateful shit he is.

So turns out it was actually a misunderstanding on his part and a lack of communication on mine, but I couldn't let it go. I spent the next 24 hours contemplating the fact that in our house I am responsible for:
-All the housework, as in everything.
-Getting Ash ready in the morning.
-Giving Ash a bath (he dresses him afterwards)
-All grocery/clothes/household shopping.
-Dropping off and picking up Ash from kindy.
-All kindy bullshit duties like meetings and open days.
-Organising and cooking dinner every night.
-Putting the rubbish out (usually the man's job!!!)
-Running a business by myself, in a language that isn't my own.

And I got to thinking that it was slightly fucked up! So I huffed off to bed without dinner that night and then took 24 hours of silent, awkward interactions. The next day we had a big talk and came to the decision that on days I finished later than 7 or was really busy, Ryota is in charge of cooking. Of course he'll need 4 weeks in advance notice and for me to buy everything and then clean up after him, but fuck it he's going to have to do something!

Marrying the oldest son in a Japanese family is really quite tough, I'm still hacking away at those bastard apron strings!

Wednesday 24 November 2010

'Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon...'

Here is a story. It could only happen to a gaijin like me. Enjoy my misery you sick bastards...

The marathon that wasn't.

2010 was to be my 3rd go at the 10km run at Fukuchiyama, despite the fact that the location is in the middle of nowhere and is very far from, well, anything, I liked the course and was comfortable with it. So back in September when I put my entry in I wasn't too worried, I had time to train. I enjoy training for a run, it gives me a goal and this year would surely be better than last year when I was fatter, more sleep-deprived and had less time to train.

So for a few months I disciplined myself to not stop and walk a lap of my local pond but run the whole damn thing lap after lap until my lungs felt like they would burst, cut back on the booze and bad food to get rid of those extra kilos weighing me down, and ran. Morning and night for the last two weeks of training. My feet had new blisters on top of old blisters and resembled a homeless man's prize leather boots, but as any runner will know your feet go numb after a certain number of kilometres anyway and the pain in your legs and chest is far more concerning.

I was a little nervous the night before but nothing too stressful, my bag was packed with every conceivable item of clothing I would need for the day in case of rain, wind, sunshine, it was all covered. I had also packed for Ash who would come along with us. Packing for an almost 2 year old isn't easy, unpredictable little buggers that they are. You need nappies and wipes, spare clothes in the case of spills, food and drink for them to spill on said clothes, bribes in the form of lollies, savoury snacks and their favourite toys. I had it all, or so I thought...

As we tossed up the options of which car to take and what time to leave it was suggested by Grandma and encouraged by me, that Ash should stay home at the in-law house, we'd be home before lunch anyway and the early start would make for a cranky little sod in the evening. But alas, Grandma and I were outnumbered and I was assured that his baby car seat would be transferred to MIL's car as that is what we'd take. Well, not exactly. MIL's car was having some ridiculously expensive repair at the dealer's so she had a brand spanking new, shiny hybrid Honda to drive for a week. less than 1000kms on the clock, sleek red paint, spaceship-like panel which made me want to quote buzz lightyear and all the little extras that come with new cars. We figured we may as well clock up the kilometres on a car we could just return anyway. Oh how much I wish we hadn't been so wasteful...

I was already awake when the alarm buzzed at 5am, already giving myself pep talks on how to keep my pace and breathe through my nose. Well, not really, but I was trying to convince myself that nothing really mattered as long as I gave it a good hard crack and finished the damn thing. Ryota stumbled up from his futon, clearly pissed off that he was awake so early with a 2 hour drive ahead of him on his day off, but being a good supportive husband, smiled and said: 'Let's do this!!' We left Ash in his baby slumber as didn't seem any point to wake the poor pet, we trudged downstairs and tried to warm ourselves up as the chilly air bit at every piece of exposed flesh. I got my running gear on and then layered with a few warm jackets while Ryota lugged all of my things to the car. By the time we were ready to leave I was feeling fit and confident that all was good, I double checked my entry ticket and parking ticket and estimated that we'd arrive at the marathon with plenty of time to spare for last minute wee trips and a snickers and Aquarius to give me that double sugar hit to get me through. But I had no idea my nightmare from a few nights ago* was going to come true...

The drive there was going smoothly, no rain, no traffic jams, Ash still sleeping in the position that he had been when I'd plucked him out of his warm bed and stuffed him into the warm car. Ryota munched on his cream bun with delight as I nibbled on my rice ball, admiring the irony of a Japanese guy licking sugar and jam off his lips while I, the western girl, carefully positioned my seaweed around my onigiri so it didn't collapse like a pro. Suddenly, almost choking on his breakfast, Ryota slammed the steering wheel and said "Damn it, we forgot the stroller!!" I too, was pissed off at this, I'd planned to grab it on the way out but with Ash being a dead weight in my arms I'd clean forgotten. But we reasoned that it wasn't that big of a deal, if he got too tired one of us would just have to carry him. Ash woke up with about 30 minutes to go and was in great spirits, singing along as we went through our 'boredom song' repertoire and chowing down on some bread and veggie juice. The veggie juice... Why didn't I go for apple juice...?

Shortly after singing his little heart out, the poor kid went a bit white in the face, went really quiet, and then... Proceeded to vomit all over himself and his car seat. This vomit was like you've never seen before. The veggie juice (which was a bright pinkish purple colour) came out exactly as it had looked when I wiped a dribble off his lips and joked that it looked like he was wearing pink lipstick, the bread was spongy and congealed, not yet digested. As he sat pooled in his own vomit Ryota spun around and his first thought was that Ash was vomiting blood. I guess we can thank some bastard god that it wasn't blood, but really, car sick!? Today?? Of all days?! For the first time!? However, Ash was in good spirits, giggling as I mopped up his stomach acids with wipes and tissues and I was thanking my lucky stars that his projectile had only gone as far as his navy blue car seat and not all over the powdery light gray seats of the brand new loan car.

By the time we'd recovered from the car sickness incident, we'd reached the marathon parking entrance. Due to rain the night before, the car park was a sludgy mess, and with about 25,000 people piling at the same time it was a sea of running gear and sports bags as everyone started the 20 minute trek up the side of the mountain to get to the marathon starting area. We were way early so decided to relax in the car for a bit, Ryota smoking, me changing shoes and getting all my stuff together, and then, just as I was about to get out of the car and brave the frosty 7 degree air, my heart sank, I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and knew we were in trouble. Shoes. Not mine either.

How could I forget Ash's shoes AND socks!? He's been walking for over a year!!!!!

When I made this dramatic discovery and screeched at Ryota over my stupidity Ryota surprised me by not getting angry or down, but laughing uncontrollably at our situation. Picture it, the smell of vomit still fresh in our nostrils, bags and bags of useless clothes and a bare-footed little boy smiling at us ready to go and run around in the puddles. In many ways I still can't believe my stupidity but in my only defence I'm not used to him being asleep when we leave the house and just carried him straight out the door, probably stepping on his shoes as I went out the front door. To top matters off, a nervous ball of gas filled my belly as I contemplated our options and an explosion of oily gas burst out my arsehole and into my pants, luckily I'd brought spare pants for that reason. How could I bring spare pants in case I oiled myself but not the bare essentials of shoes for my son!?

We had 3 options:
1- Go to the marathon carrying Ash, Ryota having to carry him and the bags while I ran.
2- Carry Ash to the marathon area then check in to the inside room and not leave until I finished running.
3- Go searching for shoes and make it back to the check-in before 9am.

Number 1 was out for me, I think I would have been so distracted by Ryota being so put out that I probably would have done myself an injury worrying about them the whole time I was running. For me, running requires a clear and focused mind, not one stressing about whether my son's toes were falling off due to hypothermia.
Number 2 was do-able but I really didn't want to for all the reasons in number 1, plus I didn't want to do it on my own, I wanted to see Ryota and Ash at the finish line waiting for me.
So number 3 it was. The parking attendants told us we couldn't get out of the parking lot at first, but when Ryota explained the situation they took one glance at the inept gaijin burying her head in her hands in the passenger seat and took pity and re-directed traffic for us. It took us 20 minutes to get out but finally we could go on a shoe hunt. Now, for being such an efficient country, the opening hours of shops are quite late, most places 10am, supermarkets 9 or 9:30. And being the country side, NOTHING was open. The 2 supermarkets we found giggled when Ryota asked them if they had kids shoes, he even got so desperate as to ask them to check the stock room. Nothing. Not a shoe in sight...

We made phone calls, searched the Internet, frantically scanned the car navi. Nothing, it was hopeless, and getting towards the cut off time for check-in. We gave up. I wasn't going to run. We'd driven 2 hours and got up at 5am and I wasn't going to run. As expected I was crushed and hugely disappointed in myself, but Ryota assured me that there are lots of other runs to do, and some time in the future we would laugh at ourselves for this. I then started sniffling and making irrational statements like, "You should marry a Japanese girl, a Japanese mother would NEVER forget her kid's shoes!!" But he was a champion and replied with "Yeah, but a Japanese girl wouldn't have the balls to try and run a marathon while working full-time and looking after her family, plus, they're too skinny!"

In that moment, I knew I'd married the right one.

The way home was a mix of emotions, crying, laughing and disbelief. As we were almost home, Ash wriggled out of his poorly strapped car seat (not my fault this time!!) and leaned over our seats. We were literally 5 minutes from home when the poor thing spewed that lovely veggie juice, once again, all over the place. But this time it was worse. Much worse. Dripping down the still new upholstery, pooling on and under the handbrake and trickling down into every crevice of the interior. It was gooey and smelly, and PURPLE! We could only laugh, and contemplate the repercussions of this upchuck disaster.
Needless to say, we spent the rest of the morning scrubbing and cleaning and trying to perfect the interior of that car to get it back to the dealer without having to have it professionally cleaned. It was a group effort of all in-laws on deck, even Grandma watched Ash while we all got stuck in. I kept apologising to MIL but she couldn't stop giggling about me forgetting the shoes and not running.

In that moment I knew I'd married into the right family.

*A few nights before the run I had a nightmare that Ryota and I were going to the marathon but Ryota left way too late and then couldn't find his way and we just kept driving round and round looking for the place we had to go. It was very stressful. Even more so when it became a reality...

Friday 19 November 2010

Funny how...

having kids is useful for a few things.

Ryota and I had a big fight the other night over the state of our fridge. Now let me just say that I am pretty bad with throwing shite out, I pulled an onion that had grown a long curly tail from my last place when I moved, it's one of my weak housewifey points that I really will try to improve. Now Ryota claims that he is totally the opposite to me in this area, yet he let it go as long as I did. This could probably be because he cooks fuck all and never actually has need to go to the fridge but that's a whinge for another day...
Anyway, other night Ryota starts having a go at me about the fridge and decides to take it upon himself to clean it out. Which is awesome, but the way he went about it and the things he was saying were Japan's next top wanker material. PLUS, he started just as I was sitting down to my poached eggs and lettuce leaves, I mean come on, a dieting girl doesn't get to enjoy food anymore, at least let her have her fucking poached eggs in peace while she dreams of frying the fuckers and smothering them in hollandaise sauce!

He looked at every use by date and took some kind of sick joy in announcing the date, one item at a time. His voice got increasingly animated the further he got to the back of the fridge. "MAY!!!! MAYYYYY, Corinne what month is it!!!????"
Fuck off wanky boy, zip it and just throw that shit out!! I was so pissed, I'd worked all day as well which wasn't helping my mood. So this went on until the whole fridge was bad food free and then I had the lovely job of washing all the bottles and jars along with all the dinner dishes. As I was washing away like Cinderella he was still hovering over me and making snippy comments, of course my housewifey spirit was beyond crushed at that point and all I wanted to do was for him to fuck off and for me to have a good old sob into the dish water. Ryota HATES women who cry, he thinks it's weak and stupid. (married the wrong girl buddy, you'll think about that next time you have unprotected shags with girls who haven't cried in front of you yet!!) But I've found that me crying only makes our fights worse (not that we have that many) so usually I restrain myself then have a weep in the toilet or the shower. I was beyond holding back though the other night, but luck was on my side (kinda) and I managed to jam my right finger in the cupboard door and pinch the skin between my hand and my wedding ring. My wedding ring is too big for my left hand now (woohhooo!!!) so wearing it on the right when I'm not used to it wasn't a good idea, the bastard pinched so hard it started bleeding, hurt like a mother fucker but was a great opportunity to have a cry and disguise it as a pain cry! Ryota felt kind of bad then and just sulked off to the lounge room leaving me in my blubbering state.

After all the washing was done we still weren't talking and this would have continued had Ash not saved the day by being such a funny little bugger. These are the days I'm glad I had a baby when I did, what would I do in fight situations if he wasn't here!? He managed to take all his clothes off in the hopes I'd get in the bath with him, then went over to sulky Daddy and rubbed his little dick in his face screaming "Peeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" in demented delight. It was so beyond awesome, I laughed so hard I spilled my tea and then we all just started laughing hysterically. The fight was then officially over as we tried to hide our laughter in the hope of educating our child to not rub his "peenie" in other random strangers faces for a laugh.

The reason I was thinking about the good things about having kids was the story I saw today, I'm sure you've seen it, a couple have a poll on their blog about whether to abort their child or not, attention grabbing idiots, but still, made me think. Ryota and I considered abortion in the early stages, never that seriously but seriously enough to get all the info. We couldn't do it in the end but I did have my doubts about having a baby so young with someone I hardly knew...

As it turned out, I have a kid who rubs his cock in people's faces, blames others for his farts and can fit 4 chicken nuggets in his mouth at once... No regrets at all!

Monday 15 November 2010

The small face is back!!!

"Your face is even smaller now, if it gets any smaller you're not going to have a face at all!"

I've mentioned the small face phenomenon of Japan before, for those who don't live in Japan it may be a little difficult to comprehend but apparently, Japanese people have big, flat faces where as foreigners (white, cute foreigners that is!) have small, dainty faces. These small faces are the envy of all who come across them, it is not unusual for a complete stranger to say something to me and then end the conversation with "やっぱり顔ちちゃいな!!(I knew it, she does have a tiny face!!)" I'm not offended by this, although if I associate a small face with anything it would be a rat face, but you know, on the whole it's not an offensive thing.

I've had my fair share of small face compliments, but not nearly as many as I've had with my recent Doctor diet efforts. I'll admit, when I lose weight I always lose it in my face and neck first, which is a bit of a bastard really, couldn't the weight loss gods cut me a bit of slack and take some of my squidgy thigh bits or my flabby tummy!? But no, it's always the face, and then the boobs. The weight loss gods really do like to punish me.
So in the last 4 weeks or so I've lost about 7kgs which is a pretty big amount to lose, especially when you're a giant like me, so all my flab tends to be stretched out over my limbs. And to my delight, people have been noticing but they have also been marvelling over the smallness of my face. I shouldn't complain really, although by telling me my small face is 'back' is really implying that I looked like a big faced roly poly fatty up until now!
MIL used all of her tact and grace by saying "You've always had a small face, but it's even smaller now, amazing!!!!"

I'm contemplating a tattoo on my forehead with a warning not to comment on the size of my face...

10km run is next week, getting nervous and excited but every morning when I run my socks end up with blood stains from the blisters I have. Will be hobbling around for a moth after the run I think but hopefully I can beat lat year's time. Anyone got any magic 'blister disappear' remedies?? I got the special blister band aids but they're just not doin it for me...

Right my small face, bloodied feet and I best be off to fill the minds of Japanese children with the knowledge of how to tell the time...

At least it's not Toy story...

Ugly J-girl turns into supermodel with only 50 hours make-up time!

Here it is!!! I finally found it, it's only part one and I couldn't be arsed posting the other 4 (YES-4 !!!!!) parts so to see the stunning end result you'll have to drag your lazy arse over to You tube and take a squiz.

Friday 12 November 2010


As you were all getting your panties in a twist wanting a link to the ugly J-girl transformation, I had planned to post it but can't find the bastard. Do you know how many J-girl make-up tutorials there are on You Tube!? Fucking thousands, and none of them as good as the one Ryota was watching. I could ask him, but that would lead to him asking me what I wanted it for and would then lead to me making a convoluted lie that would end up biting me in the arse at some point. I hate lying, my memory is too bad to do it well!

So general update it is. Sorry!

Work- Same, busy, good.

Diet- Great!!!! 5kgs down and 8cms off the old beer gut. Very fucking happy!!!!

In-laws- Meh. SIL ended up giving me a massage last night, which was very awkward for me. I had a horrible knot of some description in my shoulder and was getting stabbing pains in my skull as a result so SIL just came up behind me and started pummelling my neck. Now I had to admit it felt quite good, but it was the height of awkwardness for me, getting a massage from someone you've openly insulted is just, weird. Plus who knows which of the dog's orifices those hands have been exploring!

Marriage- Sweet, as can be. Ryota was being super nice to me last week, I knew he was up to something and sure enough after his wetsuit was paid for he went back to his usual 'sometimes nice, sometimes a big wanker' mode. He had a big wanker moment last night when he forgot to take his coffee from our house to the in-laws' house and then looked at me and said "where's my coffee??" Of course I scurried off and got it for him, warming it up over the stove to just-drinkable temperature and fanned him with a fucking feather afterwards. HA!!!! No, I told him it may be up his arse, or it would be if I got to it before him. He then skulked off to get it, no doubt thinking he should have married a Japanese servant wife.

Yesterday was BIL's birthday and being a good and thoughtful Onesan (who forgot to get him anything...) slaved over a hot oven and icing bag and made him 18 vanilla cupcakes complete with vanilla butter icing and spelled his name out with blue icing. Of course, the effort was totally wasted on my fucking in-laws. I swear if it isn't bought, it just isn't good enough. Grandma then told me they were too sweet, BIL picked at his then left it on the table all pathetic and half-eaten, MIL claimed diet and didn't eat any, SIL sniffed and said "Ooooo so sweet!" and Ryota said he liked his but he didn't like the silver balls on top. Lucky he still has any balls. Fucker. I am DONE making anything for that lot, my efforts are not only unappreciated but wasted on tongues that have been exposed to bland Japanese food for 80 odd years. (in Grandma's case)

And that's about it really! I hope everyone has a more exciting weekend than me, as I will be working, trying to get rid of cupcakes without actually eating them and watching toy story for the 50 millionth time no doubt. Oh the joy that is my life!

Sunday 7 November 2010

err... Thanks? Honey...

Mornings are way too cold and early for my liking these days, Ryota sets his alarm the same time as mine but I'm one of those people who set it early and allow for that luxurious, glorious, warm and fuzzy extra blissful 15 or 20 minutes of 'stolen' time in bed. I HATE getting up just as the alarm goes off, for a few reasons, the main one being that I'm hardly capable of opening both eyes at the same time when I wake up, let alone carry on a cohesive conversation. So recently, as the alarm goes off with it's chirpy annoyingness, Ryota will spring out of bed to go downstairs and get his nicotine and caffeine hit while Ash and I move from wherever we may be on our futons to assume the 'big spoon-little spoon' position and cuddle and kiss for the next 15 minutes. I've trained Ash way too well though, at 1 year old the kid can hit my snooze button with his eyes closed and still spooning. Quite impressive but may be dangerous if I let it go on and end up late for something...

So the other morning I stumbled down the stairs, bleary-eyed and hair a mess, clutching an equally as bleary-eyed, messy hair-ed son and got a bit of a shock when I opened the door to the lounge room. Usually, Ryota will be there watching the morning news, or watching surfing clips or munching on toast, you know, the usual stuff. But this morning, he was watching..... Japanese girls demonstrating how to do make-up on You Tube!?

As I saw him, entranced in the clip, flashes of fear and impulsiveness ran through my mind- Does he want to bang a cutesy J-girl?? Is he a closet transvestite?? Is he having gaijin regret and looking for a girl who spends 4 hours puttying her face on in the morning?? What does this mean?? Did he actually put in 'J-girl putting on make-up' into a search engine??

But then I came back to reality and realised that the only way to find the answers to these question, was to ask! Which is what I did:

Me: おい!何してんねん?? (Kansai language for "Oi, what the fuck are you up to??")
Ryota: (Clearing his throat) Ahhh... Huh? Oh um I was just watching these girls on You Tube...
Me: And...
Ryota: It's amazing! Look how much they change, she's so ugly at the start of the video, look! Look how ugly she is!!! Then at the end she looks like this!!!

I must admit, it was pretty amazing, she was a minger at the start of the video and by the end she was a big-eyed J-girl who seemed like her only mission on earth was to drive men crazy with her sleek, exotic looks. Even I was pretty impressed that make-up could make that much difference, but I reminded Ryota that I too rely on make-up to make me look presentable in the mornings, the transformations that go on with my face are incredible; I go from sleepy ugly, to red-faced ugly, (after running) to slightly acceptable with a few sweeps of a sponge and brush. Amazing.
This is where Ryota's innocent sweetness came in, he said, quite genuinely, "Yeah but you don't change that much! You're always pretty, make-up or not!" He wasn't even fishing for brownie points or trying to score a shag either! I thanked him for the compliment and was so giddy with delight that I started humming the Katy Perry song "Teenage dream" where she says "You think I'm pretty, without any make-up on" and clean forgot to ask him why he was looking at ugly J-girls transform themselves into goddesses in the first place!

Oh well, don't think I'll delve any further, just take the compliment and run!

Diet update- 4kgs down and 5cm belly fat gone, I won't need make-up soon, my smokin' hot body will be far too distracting!

Thursday 4 November 2010

The best birthday present...

was my visit to the doctor diet today- Despite eating; loads of candy, pumpkin pie and crap on Halloween, Pizza the night before the Halloween party because I was so stressed out from making four hundred thousand lolly bags with EXACTLY the same kind of candy in it, my birthday cake, and Yakiniku all-you-can-eat for birthday dinner last night.... I lost another kilo and another cm from the old belly this week! Sweeeet. That oil pill is an amazing thing, the oil just seriously starts seeping out of your arsehole as soon as you look at some deep-fried morsel. Was very happy and surprised I must say! (Although have been running at least 5km every morning getting ready for the run this month so have to take a bit of the glory away from oily bumhole.)

My birthday was actually a good day. I had to work but because it was a public holiday, Ryota was off work and Ash off school so we got to spend just the right amount of time relaxing together. The day started off with cuddles in bed with all 3 of us. Ryota even remembered to wish me Happy birthday as soon as we woke up! (I told him off last year for waiting!!) I think Ryota was so shit scared of fucking up in the same fashion that he has the last few years that he went a bit overboard, but he FINALLY understood that I don't care about material things (although things are nice, obviously) but the things I really like are the letters and sentimental little gestures. Which is why I was delighted when he told me he hadn't gotten me a present and would take me for a lunch and shopping date on Sunday so I could get what I really wanted. Which is perfect because all I really want is a new cardigan from uniqlo and some baking goods! Easy done.
He offered to make me breakfast in bed in the morning as well, although his nose was crinkled up in disgust at the thought of eating in bed as he said it, and I must say, now I think about it, the thought of toast crumbs and egg yolk in my futon actually grosses me out too... Maybe I've been in Japan too long, the thought never crossed my mind at home...

When I got home from work last night I was also delighted to find Ash come running out of the lounge room with a big bunch of pink roses and a letter for me from him and Daddy. This is the shit I've wanted since I married a damn unromantic J-guy! I cried of course which made Ash laugh and Ryota call me a dickhead but it really was so lovely to see Ash run out covered in toffee apple syrup and thrust the flowers at me and give me a big sticky hug. Ryota had written me a very sweet letter and even had gotten Ash to scribble and signed it "from Ash." Awwwwwww!
We then went out and ate about 3 cows each at yakiniku, I really wanted to have a few beers with my cow but restrained myself as drinking calories seems such a waste, especially when I'm the only one!

I also got lots of messages and calls from family back home and the wonderful world of facebook, so I felt very loved and special. We'd had cake and sushi the night before at the in-laws place which was cool but I had to 'share my excitement' with a joint congrats celebration for SIL because she actually managed to pull together the 3 brain cells it takes to get a drivers licence. Twat.
Ash got great enjoyment out of blowing out my candles about 500 times though so it wasn't too bad of a night.

It was nice having such low expectations for my birthday, it meant the day wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected. So Japanese style it is from now on!

Saturday 30 October 2010

They may just be on to something...

In Japan, birthdays are definitely not as celebrated as back home, there may be cake, if it's a particularly cheery family and presents are usually only given to kids. For a long time, I thought this was so crap, you should at least get one day of the year to be spoiled! So I've always made a big deal out of Ryota's and all his family's birthdays to try and bring a bit more happiness to that one day a year, but I've realised that the Japanese had it right all along, sod birthdays! There's really no reason to celebrate anyway, just another day, another year.

The reason I say this is that I feel my birthday will once again be a fucked up day I'd rather forget this year, I can safely say almost every birthday since I've been an adult has either been shite or nothing special. Let's see...

17th birthday- Sister threw me a house party. Which would have been awesome had a carload of gang members not crashed it, spat in people's faces, caused fights and stolen stuff.

18th birthday- My mate got so drunk he vomited in my pool. Dad wasn't happy.

19th birthday- I got so fucking wasted the night before with my boyfriend and his mates at a club that I was projectile vomiting on the front lawn and spent my whole family party shivering in a ball on the bathroom floor while all the guests enjoyed cake. Self-induced, but still shit.

20th birthday- Can't remember so must have been boring.

21st birthday- The doosey of all birthdays. My boyfriend of 3 years who was living long distance didn't call me on my birthday, then dumped me the next day. (when I was due to go out for dinner with friends and family, including HIS family [who I love by the way!]) Was a very awkward meal with my family and his family not knowing what to say, my girlfriends consoling me as tears dripped in to my green curry, my guy friends wondering why the fuck they'd bothered to come and when they could get out of there. Horrible!

22nd birthday- First birthday in Japan, nothing special.

23rd birthday- my sister was in Japan but I was fighting with my best mate who was being an absolute cock head at the time.

24th birthday- Can't remember.

25th birthday- Was preggers so nothing exciting.

26th birthday- Last year was probably the best so far. Mum was in Japan, we had a dinner at home with all Ryota's family and Ash helped me blow out the candles, yup definitely best yet.

27th birthday....

I'll tell you on Wednesday but I can tell it's going to be pretty boring. Work. Sushi. Cake. Bed.

We were going to do a girls night out but that isn't going to work out for a few reasons, some of which I think are pretty lame to be honest but won't get into that here. It's a good thing, something crap is likely to happen anyway!
So I've decided to go all Japanese on birthdays from now on. No parties, no massive presents, just a cake and something small for those close to me. Of course Ash's birthday will still be a big deal, I'm already trying to work out how to make a wiggles cake!

Thursday 28 October 2010

Why, yes, I'll take a side of (fat free) smugness with my karma!

I thought it was about time for a dog-fucking SIL update, things have been way too quiet on that front.

So after the massive blow-out we had that never really came to any head, things were pretty much stagnant. At least at home you can hug and have a giggle about the 'whole stupid argument,' but this is Japan, where hugging is strictly forbidden and giggling would be to bring shame and embarrassment to the emperor and all that he stands for! Well, not quite, but definitely in Ryota's family, there is no making fun of situations like this, (I mean fuck, look what happened when I took the piss out of Kimutaku!!) and certainly no hugging. (Ryochan excluded)

I basically just resigned myself to the fact that I HAVE to live close to her for however many years, so no matter how annoying she got, and also for Ryota's sake, I'd try and just ignore or be pleasant. This was going well, except it wasn't back to normal, I was reluctant to go over to the in-laws' place and it was super tense if we were left in the vicinity of each other for even a short amount of time. I guess it did just take time though, because we got to the point where it wasn't that awkward and I didn't feel like smacking her in the mouth every time I saw her.
I even went as far as to extend the old olive branch when she was practicing for her driving test, the night before the test I took her to our car park and practiced her reverse parking.
She is/was a horrible driver and spent a record amount of lessons at driving school, (seriously, the school told her she had taken more lessons than any other person her age!) but by some miracle she passed her practical test. I fear for my safety on the roads now, she's the worst kind of driver in that she's 1) Panicky 2) Indecisive and 3) Has no sense of direction or balance. But, the drivers here are pretty slow and tame so I think she'll just fall into the 'stupid old obachan' category of bad drivers without too many problems.

Anyway, the practical test was last week and then all she had to do was pass the written test to be able to drive. Now, I'm not saying I wanted her to fail (well maybe a bit) but I was neither surprised or heartbroken when MIL told me she had bombed on it. To be fair to her everyone who has done it says it's a bit of a bitch and you need to get 85% right so it was nothing that unusual. That was on Tuesday. Then they decided so the questions and the system and everything would be fresh in her mind, that they'd go again today and have another go. Everyone was so sure that it was just nerves the first time, and that she was bound to pass today, I mean, she'd seen the questions after all, MIL even went as far as to organise going out for sushi tonight with everyone.

Damn it, I just felt like some sushi too!

Yup, she failed. Do I feel sorry for her? Nah, she had it coming! OK harsh, but she should have studied more, those tests cost money, (that MIL/Grandma is paying) plus the testing centre is about an hour and a half drive from our place. I don't know when she's going to try again, perhaps tomorrow but I have to say I did have a giggle when MIL told me. Everyone is on strict orders to not 'mention the war,' the war being that she is a dumb arse who should have spent less time fondling her dog while gazing at Kimutaku posters and more time studying! So will be interesting when Ryota hears the news and starts giving her a lecture on what she did wrong in his usual big brother fashion. Ooooo maybe they'll be more fireworks..... (not involving me)

In other news I went back to the 'diet doctor' doctor today and he was well impressed with my 2kg weight loss and 4cm belly loss, as was I! He even did a gay little clapping gesture and told me I did much better than MIL (lucky she wasn't there!) I got my second IV and my meddy and trotted off with the urge to smack my own arse in celebration but restrained myself. This week will be a test, there's a Halloween party at the school where I plan to make cupcakes, and my birthday on Wednesday where there's bound to be cake. Actually, now I think about it, unless I make the cake for my birthday I doubt any other bastard will bother, problem solved!

Tuesday 26 October 2010

Movie review...?

No. not really. I have neither the intellect to be funny and informative at the same time, or the memory to go through the movie I watched the other night in any kind of witty detail, however I will give my thoughts on it, because it actually surprised me!

I watched ダーリンは外国人(My darling is a foreigner) the other night and I have to say, I went in with very low expectations. For a few reasons, 1) It's a Japanese mainstream movie, and they're all pretty much, well, crap. 2) It's a topic very close to me, after all I am someone's darling and I am in fact a foreigner. 3) I was so ready and willing to take the piss out of it.
I usually steer clear from Japanese movies, to me they all seem over-acted and Japanese humour and I just don't mix, not enough sarcasm for my liking, but seeing as though it was all about international marriage I thought I'd give it a crack.

Ryota and Ash both fell asleep at a ridiculously early hour so I had a whole 3 hours to myself to watch the movie in pure relaxation, no child wanting to watch wiggles, no husband de-waxing surfboards in the background or whatever the fuck he does with them. Just me and the cat curled up on the lounge. Maybe it was the fact that I haven't enjoyed a movie on my own and uninterrupted for so long that contributed to me actually liking it??

So as I started watching it getting ready to get pissed off, take it out of the machine and bitch about it to someone, I found, I was actually enjoying it!
The main character (Saori) reminds me so much of one of my friends (in looks) that it was all I could think about, and her darling (Tony) was actually a good portrayal of a typical gaijin guy in Japan- nerdy, a little bit weird, and dating a girl that is wayyyyy too hot for him. I'm so glad they didn't cast a hot gaijin, it just wouldn't have been real. I'm going to go as far as saying that the percentage of really good-looking, sweet, normal gaijin guys has got to be very very low. Not bashing all gaijin guys (well most actually) Some of them are top blokes that lack in the looks department, and some of them are absolute douche bags that aren't too bad on the eyes, but to find the perfect combo, well, I'm yet to witness it!

So basically it's the story about these two and the troubles they face with differences in culture/language/family blah blah blah. It was a bit boring in the beginning and of course it was Japanese so way too much over-acting was going on, but they did leave a few subtle elements that I liked. One example was a scene where they were in the movie theatre together and Tony kept laughing way before all the Japanese people, it wasn't explicitly explained but this is so true and has happened to me many times. The subtitles take longer to read and the joke just doesn't filter through as quickly when the movies are in English.

Another thing I liked was the small role of the douche friend of Tony's. He seems to be an unbelievable character, but in reality, there actually are fuckers in this country that go around speaking over-exaggerated English with a few Japanese words sprinkled in because they can't be arsed actually learning Japanese, expect Japanese people to speak English, and are just generally loud, obnoxious and annoying. These are the gaijin that I hate, they give us all a bad name. One line from him was: "Ohhh Japanese girls are sooo 'kantan'! (easy) and I swear to god I used to hear some moron spew something out of his mouth very similar on a regular basis when I was on the party scene in Osaka.

Another thing that meant it must have been an OK movie was the fact that I cried at the end, not that crying is so unusual for me, but I watched 'Hachi' the day before and while everyone around me was weeping I just didn't get that stirred up by it and felt like a cold corpse who's heart had been ripped out. Thank goodness I did cry at the end, or I might have been worried!

So ladies or gentleman in Japan, I'd give this movie 3 stars, I'll never watch it again, but it was worth a squiz.

Oops I almost forgot, there was one thing that annoyed me a little bit, scattered throughout the movie they kept cutting to real life interviews with mixed couples. Now I know this particular story was about a J-girl and a whitie guy, but every one of the interviews was this combo. (well they weren't all white, that would just have been racist!) I wanted to see some gaijin wives representing!

We're darlings too you know!

Monday 25 October 2010

Diettooooo update!

Well, I'm now on day 5 of the "Docutaa Daietto" and I have to say, it's going well! The appetite suppressant tablets actually work! I've lost 2kgs already but I'm not counting that as I always lose a few whenever I start a new diet. I've also been running 5kms every day in preparation for the 10km run I'm doing next month so that must be helping too.

I think the main difference it's making is 1) I don't snack between meals anymore. 2) My meals are definitely smaller. 3) The powder I have to drink before every meal tastes so fucking gross that I end up downing about a litre of water to wash the taste away which makes me full as well.
I got well freaked out about the Xenical after a commenter said be careful when I fart, of course then I Dr googled the shit (hehe) out of the topic too and read horror stories of people shitting their pants. It hasn't been too bad, I had oily stuff on Saturday and sorry, TMI but when I crapped I had to examine it closely to see if there was anything slightly oil looking, and sure enough, there were bits and pieces in there that were kind of whitish and milky lookin, then floating on the top were little oily droplets! Hmmm tasty! See you guys don't need a diet, just read this blog and be disgusted to the point of being turned off your food!

A real test for the appetite suppressants came yesterday when we went to my favourite Italian place for lunch. I ALWAYS eat way more than any normal person should, it's just that damn good. Anyway, we ordered our usual 2 people course and Ryota got stuck in but I just wasn't that hungry, despite it smelling/looking amazing, and also despite the fact I'd only had a banana for breakfast. I ate my garlic bread, which was pretty big and then shared about 2 small pieces of pizza with Ash, tiny bit of pasta, and I was done! I couldn't even fit in the coconut dessert in, and you know, there's always room for dessert! This is where it got interesting, because Ryota and I without fail, always want the last serving of pasta for ourselves and will politely offer it to the other while really thinking 'Fuck off, I want it!' But yesterday there was so much left over and Ryota was getting full as I picked at bits of pizza and bread. The conversation went something like this;

Ryota: (Shovelling in pasta like usual so he doesn't get scammed out of his share before I eat it!) Hey, why aren't you eating??

Me: Hmmmm I'm just not that hungry, go ahead, eat it.

Ryota: Hold the phone! (OK he didn't say that but wouldn't it be awesome if a Japanese person did say that! Must teach students that...) You're never 'not hungry' especially when we come here, what's going on?? Are you doing that diet like my mum?!

I knew he was going to find out some time but I'm sure that Grandma has tipped him off because he was waaaaaay too casual about the whole thing. He even vaguely asked about the price by saying "Is it cheap? Expensive??" To which I replied; "Errr it's not that expensive...." Now after the equally as vague answer I totally expected him to grill me on how much it really was and to produce a receipt, not that he's a tight arse or anything but still, he'd definitely be interested usually. So the fact that he left it at that makes me certain that Grandma has given him all the juicy details but told him to keep his mouth shut about her telling him or she'll hack his balls off with a chopstick. But it's actually worked out pretty well, I know that he knows and we have a mutual 'keep our mouths shut' policy going on the whole subject! I think the fact that it's actually working has made him shut up a bit too, he said he can definitely tell the difference in my face and neck (I always lose it first in my face, damn shame the rest of me doesn't follow so easily...) and closed the subject with : "OK, ganbatte kudasai" (good luck with it then).

OK, last diet post until I look like Jessica Alba, I promise. I'll try and get back to cat fights with SIL, dog-fucking/cat-fucking and the likes.

Friday 22 October 2010

I'm lucky...

To have a MIL just as crazy as me.

You know, I still have daily thoughts of pushing SIL under a bus but I am glad I have crazy MIL, she's a really nice, generous person who is very similar to me in a lot of ways. One of those ways is... gimmicky diets...

I'm usually pretty sensible, I don't buy steak knives or proactive from infomercials (despite the proactive ad being on at least 22 hours a day here!), I'm rational in my purchases, I think long and hard if I really need something, especially if it's a big item. I do this for all products, apart from diet/ exercise stuff..


Duh! Like the rest of the female population- I want to be thin. Not bony thin, but thin enough that I don't have a thigh that may be mistaken for a tumour. Which is pretty ridiculous because according to my last health check I'm perfectly healthy, I jog pretty much every day without fail, my cholesterol levels are within normal range... All signs point to me doing things pretty much right. But alas, thin is still the optimum, even for us house wives who don't really have anyone to impress. (Except the hot monk...)

I rarely go through with the purchases, I've been very close to buying diet pills or weight loss tea from the TV but have resisted the urge. I have however bought various exercise related crap such as pedometers, rodeo boys, exercise balls and lots of other stuff which usually ends up collecting dust but never really any dieting pills. That all changed today....

I am now on the "doctor diet." I think it's the same as when you see the ads at home that say "talk to your doctor about a weight loss plan..." or whatever. It was at a plastic surgery clinic (I enquired about a boob job while I was at it!!) in a very rich area of Kobe where all the women look like lollipops anyway so was a little intimidating for the pudgy gaijin and her equally pudgy MIL to waddle in trying to hide their shame-filled faces. The doctor was young, too young for my liking, I suspect botox, and lots of it! But he was nice, he said it was good that MIL and I were doing it together, it was good for motivation. He would say that though, we are paying for his weekly botox jabs I guess...

Anyway, deal is, I get a tenteki (IV drip) once a week and every time I go I get a week's worth of medicine: The 'fat' pill, the one that makes you run to the ladies room with not a hope of pressing the noise disguising button because any oily food you've eaten will come gushing out your bum hole at an alarming rate, a little white pill, I'm not sure what this one does but I'm only allowed to take it for 2 months because it's highly addictive... Slightly worrying... And some natural herbal medicine that tastes like arse but makes you feel uber full so you don't want to eat. It may be the placebo effect but it's already working today! I've only eaten a banana and a piece of toast all day and seriously feel really full!

It's pricey, not ridiculous, but not cheap either, but I figure all this working has got to lead to some goodies for me some time. If it gets to be too expensive I can always quit after this month... right? Right. I've decided to keep the whole thing a secret for as long as I can from Ryota because he'll say I'm a dickhead, (and I know he'll be right!) so anyone who actually knows me (probably only you Sassymoo!) keep it on the down and low, yoroshiku onegaishimasu! We should have kept it a secret from Grandma too I think, as we left for the clinic today she was yelling all sorts of things from the veranda like, "You're a stupid stupid girl, and you're no better!!!" (directed towards me and MIL), and "I'll tell Ryota, I swear I will!!!" There is a good chance Ryota will find out, either by Grandma sabotage or by accidental slips, plus there's a mark from the IV on my arm, but I figure if he does find out I'll do what any good wife would do... lie.


Wednesday 20 October 2010

"Creamed my jeans I did!"

Man I hate that saying, it just conjures up all the wrong images. What's worse and totally horrifying is the only person who actually says this, is my mum. *shudders violently*

Speaking of which, Mum and my sister left last night, it was a bit sad, and Ash tried to hop on the bus as they were leaving but seeing as though I'm planning to go home in August (and was just a pinch happy to have my house back in order) I wasn't all that sad. We escaped the trip with minimal arguments and maximum accidents so it all balanced out really.

But back to my creamed jeans! We tried to explain this to Ryota the other night, it went something like this:

Ryota- What does it mean, "Creamed my jeans??"


Sister- Errr...... Corinne, say it in Japanese!

Me- Fuck off, I don't want to explain something so horrific!! It's what you say when you see something or someone you really like... like, errr, you get.... ummmm really excited!

Ryota- Oh. Is it creamy??

I pretty much gave up the polite English explanations after that and told him it was a phrase to use that means you're so excited you come in your pants. He then flushed red and then turned to a ghostly white after realising that it had been my mum that had said it in the first place.

But anyway, the reason I'm creaming my jeans!

I wouldn't say I'm a nerd, I don't sit up till the wee hours doing cos-play, I didn't come to Japan because I like manga, I'm not a star trek/star wars/any star related shite fan, I would say my nerd factor is pretty low. However, I do love a good gadget, I'm not saying I'm lining up outside the apple store for the next 'i' addition or anything, but if it's new and shiny, I want it. This goes for most things, not only computers and phones, but appliances, stationary and other home crap. Which is why it's quite sad that I announce the fact that I am quite excited to bring you the news that....

I got a new, snazzy................................................................ oven!

Sorry, disappointment I know.

Even as I was marvelling over it's 33L capacity, smooth black shelves just gagging to be covered in lovely little balls of wet cookie dough, it's fan, waiting to be...err... forced, the steam function willing me silently to try it's healthy deep-fry function, I was almost drooling, and itching to get out to a half-decent supermarket to buy baking goods. I was literally excited, like it was a feeling in my tummy, just like you get if you were a kid chasing the whippy van, and I thought... What the fuck has my life become!? Is the most exciting thing in my life really a new oven?? Really??

No, wait, really!?

It's no longer the cool gadgets, or a big bottle of vodka, or concert tickets. It's. A. Fucking. Oven.

Have I really become a housewife excited over goods to make food? To be fair to me, I think I'm quite a good baker, much better than cooking normal food anyway. As a result I've informed my husband that normal dinners are off for a bit, it shall be cookies and cakes for dinner for at least the next month! Meh, who needs nutrition when there is butter involved anyway!

Monday 18 October 2010

Top 5 reasons...

Why not to get blind drunk on a Saturday night while your family are still visiting you in Japan...

1) You almost miss the last train... Ryota and I went to our friend's wedding celebration thingy on Saturday night and we were having such a merry time downing beer and gin tonics and rum cokes and god knows what else that we completely forgot the time. Totally out of character for me who is usually the time watching Nazi making everyone get to the platform with at least half an hour to spare. We made it. Just.

2) You let out all the bottled up stress and resentment towards your husband in one drunk go... I let rip on Saturday, from the way he chews his food to the fact I didn't think he was making enough of an effort to show me he loves me (DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA!) on a daily basis. I was smashed and angry! A lethal combination as the usual wifely inhibitions flew out the window, I almost threw an ashtray at him at one point! He was also pissed so instead of laughing at me like usual he went and spilled his guts to my sister, the big twat!

3) Your family then worries that you are headed for divorce and single-motherdom when really you just had a blind drunk tiff... This follows on from number 2, if my family wasn't here, Ryota wouldn't have felt the need to tell my sister to tell me that he really does love me, which then led to me ignoring both of them, my sister telling my mum, and the whole thing being blown out of proportion. I had to go to sleep with not only panda-eyes, stiff hair sprayed hair, but also my family speaking in hushed whispers about my marriage!

4) You wake up with a hangover and still have to do shite the next day... We went to a bird park in Kobe on Sunday, which was cool and stuff, but the small excitable child, mother and sister to play tour guide to and hour long car ride with belly doing flip-flops, yeah, not so good. There was a highlight though, we got our dead skin eaten by fishies, as my sister was climbing down from the pool thing she went arse-over-tit and landed on her bum. Fuck we laughed, I love people falling over.

5) You're the only one who forgets it all in the morning... No doubt every other bastard will have the image of me stumbling in to the genkan hopping around like a mental to get my knee high boots off with mascara streaked cheeks and wild 'ran for the last train' hair locked in to their brains from now until forever. Just lucky there were no video cameras involved.

Needless to say, I won't be having any booze for a while, by a while I mean until next weekend...

My mum and sister go home tomorrow, they have BOTH managed to get some freaky Japanese strain of cold with sore throats and coughs, my sister is still battered and bruised from her fish pool fall, and she was allergic to our cat, and my mum had some blood pressure issues going on so not the best trip for them but we had fun and the stress level was high, but manageable. I'll be sad to see them go tomorrow, it hasn't been easier but it's been, familiar...And when you live in Japan, familiar is sometimes the best fucking thing in the world. Expect a weepy post tomorrow!

Tuesday 12 October 2010

Holy man story

The one 'cultural' thing we have done while my family has been here was on Sunday, we went to a festival that nobody could explain except that it was a 'futon festival.' It looked suspiciously like danjiri to me with the big arse floats being pulled along at dangerously high speeds by the beer filled dudes in dressing gowns and ninja shoes. However the futons on top of the floats were a bit puzzling and apparently it's some kind of futon festival that they don't do very often anymore, it was a pretty country type town so I guess that's why it was there, who knows.

Anyway, we went to FIL's house around lunch time so he could kiss up to my mum (he openly flirts with my mum, it's obscene!) and so they could meet my sister, then it was off to FIL's friend's house and we walked to the futon festival from there. Ryota was being a smart arse all day, telling my sister wrong information, things like: "yeah this a futon festival, they'll have a pillow fight later!" and "They're wearing ninja shoes so they can climb the trees after it gets dark!" He's such a shit stirrer! He was also taking the piss out of my big feet, FIL's baldness, and his friend's baldness too, calling them 'team baldies.' Just being a general smart arse. Better than being his usual awkward, grumpy self I guess!

Anyway, as soon as we got to the shrine where the futon festivities were to take place, a group of alcohol-fuelled old dudes immediately targeted us to pour us a cup of sake, granted it was in a paper cup, and it was cheap shit, but it's still pretty sweet to get free booze for simply not being Japanese! We then made our way up to the top of the shrine to wait for all the men to start showing us how much balls they had by how hard and fast they would push their big arse carts around. I guess the bigger the balls, the more impressed the gods are?? It was pretty cool, little boys were banging their taiko in the middle of the floats, they may have been shitting their kimonos in fear but they were troopers and kept the beat the whole time (even when they dropped the poor little buggers at one point!) During the whole thing everyone was very jolly AKA pissed and we got several looks and comments in English, I guess this is to be expected, I get random comments on my own but with mum and sister there as well it was triple the Engrish fun!

One old geezer had been chatting to my sister, his daughter lived in the blue mountains so they had a good old talk about Australia and various other things, he was one of those incredibly old nice men that are so hard to find here. (They're usually pissing in the street or grumpy old buggers) Anyway, a few minutes after the nice old man had sauntered away, another old guy comes up to us, he was dressed in some kind of official shrine robe, I think he may have been an official of the festival, but to the naked touristy eye, he looked like a priest of some kind with his big blue robe and white belt and shit. Anyway, we thought he might want to practice his English too but it turns out all he wanted to say was this: おっぱいすごいわあああ!!!(Woaaaaa nice tits love!) he then proceeded to do a full-on, double handed grab of my sister's tits. We were all in shock for about one second until I told him to fuck off. Ryota was snickering in the background, mum was laughing her arse off and my sister had eyes as big as saucers and was basically planted on the spot in shock. The old dude looked a bit ill when I asked what the fuck he thought he was doing in Japanese and then tried to defend himself by saying "Ooooo can't you do that in other countries!?" I then told him that he knew very well you can't do that in any fucking country, especially not Japan!! I was laughing though, he was obviously pissed from all the cheap sake and just a dickhead, harmless but still a dickhead.

After the initial shock had worn off he tried to get another grab in but I stopped him and told him a bit more sternly to fuck off and be a good representative to Japan. It was about this point that the nice old man came over and told him to fuck off as well, then gave my sister a big bow and said sorry on behalf of the drunk horny guy! What a sweetheart. Old drunk dude realised he was fighting a losing battle and pissed off just as Ryota's dad clued in to what was going on and said he'd go and punch him if we wanted! (Yeah right, he's like, 4 ft tall). But it was lucky my sister has quite a good sense of humour and could see the funny side. I think she's quite lucky, no body's ever tried to feel me up at a festival! Feel quite left out actually...