Tuesday 31 May 2011

Is this wrong of me?

Because students think it's hilarious in a 'you're-such-a-bad-wife!' kind of way...

The picture that should be on my desk at work...

The picture that is on my desk at work...


Wow, I'm so fat in that picture, I really should update it and find myself a real hottie to pose with me!

Sunday 29 May 2011

She's baaaaaaa-aaaaaaccccckkkk!!

Ohhhh yeah, my dog fucking sister-in-law has been unusually normal lately, it’s been worrying me. I could compare her to that big arse volcano that spews ash every so often just to fuck up everyone’s lives, spluttering shit and filth everywhere she goes while instilling a shudder-inducing fear in all she comes in contact with that one day she might just blow, and who knows what her fucked up demons are capable of! Maybe it’s a summer thing, it was last summer that she went mental over me taking the piss out of Kimutaku

It all started with me being lazy. Wait…that is how most of my days start… OK, so on this particular day, I had loads of lessons and couldn’t be arsed cooking so I made no false illusions of being a good housewife, I just said to Ryota as he walked out the door: “Can’t be arsed. Dinner. Hokka ben!” And he got the drift as he rushed out, ciggie in mouth he made some noise that probably was “OK desu!” Ryota can be a whinging, lazy fucker at times but he never questions Hokka Ben, he loves that shit! For those not in Japan or not aware of the awesomeness of Hokka Ben, it’s a home delivery (or take-out) place that serves bentos, which are good because they have rice and fish and all that shite for the J-peeps, but enough deep fried goodness to keep us mouthy foreign folk happy too. It’s cheap, easy, our delivery guy is totally fuckable and I can order my meals without carb laden rice, pure genius! Anyway, that was that so when I got home at about 7, Ryota was at Grandma’s house (because god forbid he would watch our son by himself and all), looking through the Hokka ben menus. I always get the nori special minus rice so I was decided, and after I’d announced my order, Grandma was all, “Hmmm, nori special”…. *Homer Simpson drool* Grandma is a bit of a foody and we spent the next 5 minutes saying how much we love the nori special, although she told me I couldn’t possibly eat it without rice.

During this time the dog-fucker had been rummaging through something in the other room, but you know when people are pissed off and you can tell because they are banging everything down and making noises and stuff? Yeah, well, she was doing that in between making kissy noises at the dog (no exaggeration there either!). I had a feeling in my waters that shit was going to go down, and as Grandma announced that she too would have Hokka Ben, dog-fucker grabbed the chance and said “What the fuck, I made you bean rice, eat that!” And she said it in a really rude, short way too. Now this may seem super mean to be saying to a Granny, but our Grandma isn’t the tea and scones type Granny, she’s a tough old thing and it didn’t phase her a bit, she shot back with “Yeah, well, Hokka ben sounds better, and who knows, I might be dead in a few weeks, I’m going to live life on the edge and get Hokka ben!” I wanted to give Grandma a high five but I was afraid I might snap a bone or two so I reveled in the moment by sitting down and settling in for the rant I knew was coming from dog-fucker.

And we weren’t disappointed, she started going on about the fact that she’d made it special and if she’d wanted Hokka Ben she wouldn’t have bothered blah blah blah. Let’s just back it up a bit shall we dog-fucking lunatic, 1) It’s bean rice, it’s washing some beans, throwing them in a machine with rice, and pressing a button, not exactly a 5 course gourmet meal! 2) If Grandma wants to eat shit, let her, I’m sure the bean rice will get eaten tomorrow! And 3) It’s fucking bean rice, shut the fuck up!!!
I had all these great responses Grandma could have given swirling around my head like, “Yeah well, it did you good to get off the dog’s cock and do something with all your free time!” and “At least go fuck a respectable dog like a Lab or retriever, leave the Yorkshire terrier alone you ugly whore!” But alas, I kept my trap shut as Grandma is quite capable of holding her own and I would have been frustrated with the lack of swear words in Japanese and just ended up screaming, “YOU CUNT!!!” at her anyway.

Ryota however, is not as good as keeping his mouth shut as me, plus he has the added advantage of being able to form stinging insults in Japanese, and that he did. Well not as stinging as I’d hoped for, but something to the effect of, ‘Fucking hell, if she wants to eat Hokka Ben then what is it to you? You’re not her fucking keeper!” And she went off. Her. Nut. You know when old Japanese dudes get really angry and they roll their tongues on the ‘r’ words? Well she was that pissed that she was doing that as she spat all over the place screeching like the fucking fruit loop that she is. Ryota and I started giggling and I said (in English) “Ooooo it’s been a while since we've had a psychotic episode!” To which she got even more pissed because she didn’t know what it meant but knew it was directed at her and told us both to fuck off. We left the house with the stupid cunt ranting away and Grandma telling her to shut the hell up. When the Hokka ben arrived I delivered it to Grandma, making a point of saying loudly how good it was going to be as dog-fucker continued her pot-banging protests in the kitchen.

Grandma offered to pay for all our dinners but I insisted I shout her, it was the least I could do for such quality entertainment.
Dog-fucker hasn’t talked to us since, I’m, hoping this continues for at least another month or two.

Thursday 26 May 2011

So an Aussie, a Scotsman and a pumpkin head walk in to a bar...

You know, I always say to myself “I got married too early… I wasted my time in Japan before I was married…” But thinking back, there was actually some fucking crazy shit I did, and not just a bit, like a LOT of stuff. I never thought of myself as that much of a, hmmm, what’s the best word for it…? Oh yeah, SLUT. But I really was a right little tart back in the day! So, without further ado, I give you the story of the Scottish tourist, who I didn’t actually fuck, so slut status stays intact, just a little tarnished perhaps…

It was a cold Saturday night and I’d gone out with a guy who I had a nice little arrangement with. We would both go to dinner where we would stuff ourselves with meat and beer and then on to the club together, drink ourselves stupid and then try and pick up someone for the night, if one of us picked up and the other didn’t there was no guilty bullshit, (one of the reasons I love going out with guy friends over girl friends) we bid each other goodbye and good luck and went home. We never slept with each other, that would have been weird, for a variety of reasons I won’t get in to here.

Anyway, it was the kind of cold where you just wanted to get out of the wind and drinking something that was going to warm you up, and sure enough, we went to the club early to avoid the crowds and secure a seat that we could keep for a while. We chatted and took turns dancing and flirting and ended up running in to his ex-girlfriend who tried to throw her drink at him because she thought he was with me. (How ironic!) She got kicked out of the club but my mate was obviously not feeling too crash hot so we decided the only way to get him back in to the drunken groove was to do three shots and go pick up. We did and we both ended up kissing people on the dance floor. He had a skanky little piss head wearing a skirt smaller than my hankie and I wasn’t quite sure who I’d scored, because a) I was beyond drunk, b) we were dancing with him behind me and c) There were so many people squished on that damn dance floor that I couldn’t see my feet let alone the dude that was groping me. I did discover however, that he was a fucking amazing kisser. I didn’t want to do anything else but kiss him. I honestly haven’t found Japanese guys to be that good with the old smooch, I can safely say that Ryota is crap, we haven’t kissed (properly) since we’ve been married! But this guy was awesome and I loved every minute of it.

We stayed kissing and dancing for a good 2 hours and before I knew it, the lights were on and mumbles of first train were going on. My mate waved bye with his almost unconscious girl on his arm and tossed me the key for our locker giving me a vague signal that I instinctively knew was ‘fuck my jacket, I just want to shag this bird before she passes out!’ As I too contemplated what was going to happen with my kissing God I stopped to properly look at him and was a little bit taken aback, because he seriously had a huge head. And I’m not exaggerating like when Japanese people claim certain people have big or small faces, I’m talkin’ his noggin was a fucking pumpkin! But still, as my dad used to say (and it grosses me out that he did!) “You don’t have to look at the mantelpiece while you’re poking the fire” His kissing genius made up for head size and I was ready to go. We walked hand in hand up the stairs and he was very quiet while checking his phone as we came upstairs to daylight and mobile phone reception. His hand went limp as his phone started beeping and vibrating incessantly and he went a shade whiter as he scrolled through text messages frantically. I knew then that he was either married/had a girlfriend, and he was in deep shit. He didn’t have to make any excuse, I made it easy for him as he called the lady who obviously wanted his balls on her wall, I slinked away, tired anyway I was actually looking forward to a nice hot shower and my bed.

I started stumbling to the nearest train station and passed the crowd that always lingers outside the club when I was approached by 3 drunk guys wanting to know where the next good place was. They were all Scottish and here on holiday with no idea where they were, where their hotel was or where they could go next. Actually, 2 of them just wanted to get back to the hotel, 1 of them wanted to keep partying. So I gave them directions to their hotel and told the party boy if he wanted I’d go to another club with him, the one that was open till 10am. He was keen and despite his mates telling him he was a fucking lunatic, he was up for it. We chatted on the way to the club and he told me his brief life story, but honestly, I wasn’t really listening, I couldn’t get past the sexiness of his accent, big head’s kiss was still in the back of my mind but the sexy accent had taken over. Scottish men, no matter how ugly, get me every time, I’m such a sucker for them!

We got to the club, paid our ridiculous entry fee and grabbed a drink, I switched to cassis berry drinks, breakfast should be fruits after all. He wanted to dance and I had just enough energy but I was a little disappointed that the music would drown out his accent. We danced for a while and I saw a Japanese gaijin hunter type eyeing him off. Not that he was mine or anything, but still, fucking bitch didn’t know that, yet she just starts hunting on him in bad “cute” English. I was tempted to start dancing with another guy but the guy was on holiday and between the music, her crap English and the fact that unlike those of us who live here he couldn’t interpret what she was saying at all. He gave me desperate looks that said “HELLLLPPPP!!!” so I joined the conversation much to gaijin hunter’s annoyance I’m sure. She gave up after it was clear she was just going to be talking to me but I have to admit, she was pretty hot and I’m sure he wanted to fuck her, communication barriers or not. So as we started dancing together, getting closer and closer, and he whispered (OK shouted) in my ear in that accent, I couldn’t resist, I had to kiss him, just to see. And it was… an amazing disappointment. I still yearned for pumpkin head and his magic mouth!
After I realized that if only this guy could kiss as good as pumpkin head I would have taken him home and made sweet Scottish dirty talk love to him all… err… day, I just couldn’t pretend anymore. So I told him he should go get the Japanese girl, I was going to go home. I think that’s what he really wanted anyway and what kind of cultural experience would the poor guy have if he came to Osaka and ended up shagging an Aussie club rat!? I gave him a few pointers on what to do with the J-girl making sure he knew not to give her any personal information, poor bloke would probably end up with crazy J-girl at his door if he wasn’t careful…

He thanked me, gave me a big Scottish hug and a wink, and I went home to that empty bed, but I was happy.

Tuesday 24 May 2011

She ain't heavy...

She's my (J) sister.

I think a lot of foreign women living in Japanland can get very bitter towards Japanese women, I'm not really sure why, I mean we're all in this man's world together, we shouldn't really turn on each other. But we're women. We always do.

And I admit, when I came to Japan, after a few months of not getting laid, not even getting hit on, while watching my male foreign friends drooling over cutesy Japanese girls, I too came to hate the pigeon-toed enemy. I would dismiss any good-looking Japanese girl as a "cutesy fucking bimbo with a vagina" and mocked my male friends for hitting on them as I numbed the jealousy with another shot of vodka washed down with a beer. And sometimes it really was true, these girls were as dumb as dog shit but made up for it with meticulously curled hair, sparkly nails and strategically placed bits of cloth masquerading as clothes. It drove the boys wild! Well, until they went all psychotic J-girl on them, then they were on to the next one to do it all over again. I remember a mate telling me that a girl had taken him to a ryokan and put on hot lingerie under a kimono, made him unwrap her and then gave him a blowjob on her knees, how the fuck can us self-respecting western gals compete with that shit?! I went for at least a year of going drinking with friends, eating at saizeriya with my girlfriends, or watching bad TV in my room. Not a boy, not a tongue, not a shag in sight.

Now I think about it though, I wasn't actually all that concerned. I'd had my heart ripped out and stomped on by an ex-boyfriend before I came to Japan and I'd taken a vow of man hate anyway, but still, not so good for the self-confidence. I once had an argument with a cheery, positive Irishman at a bar because I told him I would never get married and anyone who did was a fucking moron, ohh if only Irish boy could see me now... He was so upbeat and told me I'd believe in true love again one day, to which I replied, "You would say that in the land of pussy-hou-dai!" I was tipsy at the time but I still loved that lovely mix of foul language, Japanglish and pure insult.

But the tables were turned on me once I married a J-boy. Did Japanese girls see me as their enemy now?? I had taken one of their own... I only ever had to think about this once, when I went to a drinking party/reunion of Ryota's with all his old school buddies, including his ex-girlfriend. The ex was a typical cutesy moron: skinny, sparkly and whiny. She didn't talk to me all night, gave me dirty looks over the one drink she clutched all night for fear of hurling up her diet pills if she had more than a sip of alcohol and made an effort to totally exclude me from all conversations that she entered with the only 2 other girls there. Not that I gave a flying fuck, I was drinking beer, eating meat and hearing stories about Ryota in the days I didn't know him, it was fun. It wasn't until I drank enough to go over to the little huddle of girls to talk that it really became apparent that she wanted to stab me with a meat skewer. The other girls were delighted that I would make an effort to talk to them and got all giggly and just had to take pictures with me. (What am I, fucking santa claus?!) They all huddled in and got one of their boyfriends to start snapping pics when suddenly the ex-girlfriend said "I have to go to the toilet!" and got up to leave, the other girl shrieked after her, "WAIT! JUST ONE PICTURE!!!" But she was gone. I'm not really sure why she hated me so much, although after Ryota dumped her she started dating his mate who is a bit of a loser, so maybe she was just bitter...

It was the first time I'd been on the receiving end of any of that kind of animosity, it didn't really bother me, but I guess it did make me think I should give J-girls a chance before I judge them on the sparkliness of their nails or the height of their hair like I usually do. So these days I'm a bit more chilled out and don't take the piss out of Japanese girls. OK, I still do, but not with half as much malice as before, got to instill some love and peace life lessons in the offspring after all.

Saying that, the fucking girl on the cunting morning news show that reads the weather with the mother fucking rabbit and plays the keyboard still makes me want to slap the plastered smile off her face!

OK, must work on the peace and love...

Saturday 21 May 2011


There is no way the previous post is getting 50 comments any time soon, but thanks to all you perverts who did comment! Just kidding, thank you for all the advice and thoughts on kids and titties, glad I'm not alone on both counts!

Here is a g-rated pic, (plus a few more randoms) showing my bra that is too big...


Instagram is cool! It's like a microwaveable art form, damn why did I spend so much money on that expensive fancy camera, could have downloaded it for free.
Apologies to Kathryn, yes, I've joined the hoards of wankers with an iPhone thinking I'm artistic. :)

Let's happy weekend!

Friday 20 May 2011

The 'B' word...

Bitch? Bastard? Balls? Ball bag licker? Bint? Bollocks? Bimbo? Biddy? Bed wetting?Backdoor bandit? Bleeder? Bag of douche? Bumf? Blubber? Beef curtains? Bum fluff? Bell end?

No. Much worse than all of those combined.

B stands for… baby.

*insert terrified shriek here*

You’d think that I hate kids, (especially my own!) the way I talk sometimes, which is actually totally not true, I mean it’s moments like this…

And this…

That make my days worth it. But another baby added in to the mix of my life just does not sit well. Ryota is happily convinced that after my besty’s wedding in August I will throw caution and my pill to the wind and go on a baby-making shag fest so that we can bring another bundle of joy in to our already complicated lives. Not happenin’ buddy. Ryota wants at least 2 kids, 3 if he can twist my arm, and in theory, so do I.
In a perfect world where money grows on trees and kids don’t make you fat and have to be pushed out of your vagina and they don’t need attention 24/7, sure I’ll have a whole army!
But seriously, apart from all the selfish and materialistic reasons I don’t want another baby, (just yet anyway) I’m thinking about the practical reasons, one reason actually, the school.

I run a small English school where I am the only teacher, finding a replacement teacher to work for 2 or 3 months would be very hard and the rent is too expensive to consider just closing for the time I’m bleeding so profusely from my gash that I won’t be able to teach. So the practicalities of having another small person attached to my boobs for a few months while juggling work and a toddler are just not workable in my eyes. I’m hoping the school gets bigger so that we actually need to get another teacher in to help, that way they could just take over if I needed to take a break. Not likely to work out so perfectly, but definitely a possibility in the future.

But if I’m being honest with myself, the practical reasons could always be worked around, we’d always manage with money, the selfish, shallow reasons however… not so easily solved.

Top 5 selfish reasons I don’t want another baby…

1) I don’t want to get fat (again).
2) I don’t need any more stretch marks on my road map belly.
3) Babies are noisy. And time consuming. And shit and eat all day and night.
4) I don’t want to be the primary care-giver again. Tried it once, sent it to kindy.
5) I don’t want to stop running.

So there you are, I could bleat on about “not being ready” or any other bullshit excuse, but the truth is, I don’t want to mess up my life. My life is good, I’m loving it and another baby would seriously throw a spanner in my happy works. It makes me feel slightly guilty but I figure if I’m not happy then nobody else around me is going to be either, so really I’m doing them a favor!

I feel a bit bad for Ash, it would be nice for him to have a play mate and a good lesson for a newer, cuter baby to take all the limelight off him, but he’s just going to have to wait a few more years. Me and my sister are 5 years apart and although we almost punched the living shit out of each other on many occasions, we also played games and made imaginary worlds together, that shit is not separated by 5 years. And now we don’t even feel the 5 year difference, in fact I’m the one settled down with a family and business while she’s still dancing around barefoot at concerts and travelling. You just never can tell how things are going to turn out.

The point of this post? I’m shit scared of having another baby, I want one more but I wish it didn’t interfere with my life so much. What do you think, am I being too selfish?? Do you know where my maternal instincts have disappeared to?? How many years between siblings is good??

Yoroshiku ne…

Oh, and another word that begins with B… BOOBS.

I have boob issues at the moment, set-off by Ryota hassling me that I had no tits. I argued I was wearing a C cup bra but he then pointed out that it was all loose and too big for me therefore making me a B cup. To my horror, when I took it off it was a B, making me… an A?!?! In the chubby days I was a freaking generous D! But fat tits are not the same as big tits and I’ll take being thinner any day, but still! What the fuck is going on? I totally need a boob job.

Ryota took a surprise snap of me in only my pants and I just couldn’t stop looking at my boobs, or lack of. I wish I could share the photo, but it’s SO bad, as in, gut sticking out, (I’d had yakiniku) weird scared puppy dog look on my face, and, well, my pathetic boobs…

Here’s the deal, I’ll post the picture if this post gets… 50 comments, if not, my dignity stays intact. It’s like a giveaway where the prize is shaming me! And no anonymous bullshit, has to be a comment from a blogger, or at least a convincing real person!

Monday 16 May 2011

Stuff... and stuff

Wow, it’s been a week since I wrote anything, sorry I know you’re all just shaking in your panties in anticipation for the next installment of my terribly exciting life. But I’ll have to disappoint and give you a bullet point round-up instead…

*It’s quite handy having an annoying, old meddling woman in your life (Grandma) because sometimes you can blame your own bad parenting on them. Took Ash to kindy the other day and the little bleeder discovered a hidden treasure candy from god knows when on the floor in the car. As I knew taking it off him would involve a headache, snot and tears at 8am (and that would just be me) and because he asked me so nicely by saying “Please-Mummy-Dadda-Open-OK!!!!” (Smart lad covering his arse from all directions already) I caved and gave him the damn lolly. This resulted in a happy, quiet child but the thing was still in his gob when we got to kindy and his teacher said “Ashton!!! Why are you eating candy at this time of the morning!?” with a side glance at me and without a thought I peered in to his mouth and said “Ohhhh are you eating candy!? That grandma of ours!!! Tut tut tut!” I love that I can still do this, in no time Ash will be calling me out on that shit I’m sure. Still, for all of Grandma’s crap I put up with I feel this is only fair.

*The school has been open for one year coming up next month and I couldn't’t be happier at how it’s going. I not only have a solid income but I have students that I genuinely care about! I love that I know what they’re doing in their lives, it’s so much easier to teach something like English conversation (which can be mind-numbingly frustrating, see this post!) when you actually give a fuck.
However…I still feel under appreciated in the family bread-winner stakes. Without rent, I make about the same as Ryota now, not that it’s a competition or anything, but fuck, surely an equal salary should be grounds for a bit of respect. Take today, for example. Ash has a funky chesty thing going on and the poor little bugger is really wheezing, I instantly decided he wasn’t going to kindy, despite the fucked up Japanese fever rule where he can go if he’s struggling to breathe but not if he has a fucking fever. Twats. Anyway, I had lessons on and off all day and asked Grandma if she (or her 2 lazy cunts of grandchildren) could watch him in between my lessons. I can go home when I’m not teaching but especially on Mondays I don’t have time to do much else, the longest break I had was from 2pm-4pm which is exactly the time Doctors must be watching porn in their offices or something because they’re all shut for the “lunchtime” break, lunchtime my arse, doesn’t take 5 fucking hours to eat lunch! So I couldn't take him to the docs and of course nobody would even think to ask Ryota if he could take time off, all that guilt was piled on me. I could have blown off lessons, I know the students would understand, but when you’re running a small school where you’re the only teacher, it’s really best to avoid cancelling on people. It turned out in the end because MIL had the afternoon off and took him.

*Mother’s day disaster was made up for this weekend!! It was a really fucking good weekend actually! Ash was healthy for the whole 2 days, Ryota and I got in a very nice shag on Saturday night, I got to go to Top Shop to browse clothes and we went back to the same restaurant as last week and enjoyed fucking amazing Thai food. The staff remembered us and looked shocked at Ash and said “Ohh he’s so happy today!!” Read: “Wow who knew he wasn’t a demonic little fucker!” I’m so glad we did go back, it’s rare for Ash to scream uncontrollably as he did last week and I’m not prone to bawling at cash registers either, so good food and times were had by all.

*Blogger obviously shit itself quite badly this week and a comment from my last post was deleted. It was an anonymous unhelpful kind of comment so not too fussed but did actually want to respond to it... It went something like "What did you expect, you married a Japanese guy!?" But the fact is, a lot of Japanese guys, and certainly Ryota was totally more romantic when we were dating, so I didn't expect the romance to die when the inkan was still wet, I got fuckin ripped off! A student explained to me there's a saying in Japanese that I can't exactly remember that goes something like, "2 eyes wide open before marriage, 1 eye closed after marriage." Which I suspect is more in reference to wives letting their husbands cheat after they're married but the same principle applies for all aspects of marriage I feel.
I also wanted to respond about Aussie guys being just as fucked up romantically as Japanese guys and the bra question... OK, I really have to devote a separate post to those, will get on it!

*I have a student who I totally want to do. Let’s call him… “Mr Inspiration” He’s very in to motivational speaking and the power of positive thinking. I really shouldn’t fuck him, apart from the fact that we’re both married, he went to school with my MIL. Which makes him quite old but within my limits, which are from legal to my Dad’s age but he’s not even that good looking. Just, I don’t know, charming I guess. He also lived in Europe and the UK for ages so likes to take the piss out of Japanese people which is quite funny. What's your age limit for too young and too old??

Right, that’s all that comes to mind at the moment, have to go and do some work!

Monday 9 May 2011

Mother's day- fuck you hard in the arse Japan!

So... yeah, you can probably tell by this post's title that Mother's day pretty much sucked balls.


I'm one of those people who clings to hope, it's usually a good thing, keep the positive thinking and all that bullshit, but when those hopes are dashed and you feel that familiar feeling of sheer disappointment crush you like an avalanche of misery, not so good.
My first Mother's day was the worst, I had high hopes and Ryota did nothing. But to be fair to him, it was pure cultural difference, he just had no fucking clue that the husband is supposed to make as much effort as the kids. It seems popular for J-men to say things like, "But you're not my mother..." And this is true, but to this I say- "No, but I cook your food and clean your house and I let you get your end in just so that 9 months later I could rip my vagina down to my arsehole in order for our son's head to poke out... Not to mention the sleepless nights, bitten nipples, stretch marks, impossible-to-move belly flab, 1000's of shitty nappies..." I think it was at this point that Ryota got it and stopped my tirade. Plus it's not like it's ALL about mummies, despite not doing half as much of the work (labor counts for at least three quarters in my opinion) we still have Father's day!

So the first was an epic fail... the second... I can't remember, so it can't have been that good or bad, possibly a present that I vaguely wanted. This year Ryota flat out asked me what he should do and I told him I honestly only wanted clothes and I wanted to pick them myself, so we should do a trip to my favourite clothing store in Osaka and I'd buy me some rags, then we would go for a Mother's day lunch. He liked this, he knew exactly what he had to do, although I put conditions on this, I told him the restaurant was to be his choice and a surprise for me. He had to think about somewhere I'd like to go, not where he wanted to go. Seriously, do I really have to spell this shit out, it ain't that hard! I thought he might go for Indian or Mexican as I love spicy food, but he actually did excel himself and found one of the top Thai restaurants in Osaka, and even better, it was a buffet lunch, that's a lot of coriander laden spicy goodness!

This should have worked really well. Except it didn't.
The day started off without a "Happy Mother's day" which isn't a big deal but still pisses me off all the same. I need to show him a Troy McLure style video so he gets the whole Mother's day deal. I also then had to make breakfast, because if I don't, no other bastard will. When Ash is tall enough he'll be trained but for now, all me. I went running, and we left in the car. All was going well and we made it to my favourite shop, where they had nothing I liked. This sucked but wasn't that big of a deal. Next it was on to the restaurant and as soon as the whiff of lemongrass and jasmine hit my nose I knew the boy had done well. We opened the heavy wooden door to the chorus of Thai greetings and my stomach almost turned inside out I was so hungry. About the same time, Ash started screaming. And didn't stop. FOR 20 FUCKING MINUTES!!!! Happy fucking mother's day!

I despise screaming children, mine or others, now I have a child myself I'm a little more sympathetic but I was always one of the people giving dirty looks and whispering, "Someone should smother that kid" to my dining partner. NOTHING could stop him screaming, I pulled out every trick in the bad parenting book: iPhone, movie, toys, food, candy. Nope, not having it. The staff also were desperate to shut him up and brought out a huge ice cream with umbrellas in it but he just screamed even louder. I think he was hot?? But who fucking knows. So Ryota scoffs down his food while I take my screeching, sweaty offspring outside away from all the evil eyed diners and staff. 10 minutes later he tells me to come back in and enjoy the meal. Again, lovely offer, but it wasn't happening. My stomach was in knots from the stress of it all and I couldn't relax knowing he was outside with Ash, plus, what mother wants to eat lunch alone on Mother's day!? So as the tears started to stain the rustic napkin in front of me, I decided it was useless and got my stuff ready to leave. I also felt that the whole restaurant was looking at me, but this may be paranoia on my part, but I guess a foreign woman with unstoppable tears and noisy child doesn't really blend in that well eh.

As I paid the bill the staff tried to console me and told me to come again but I was full on crying by this time and just looked down and kept saying sorry. So I paid for 3 but only Ryota ate anything. When I got to the car with tears streaming down my face I expected to be yelled at by Ryota for crying like usual but he did take pity on me and say "Are you OK??" which was a pretty good present I guess. Ash slept the whole way home so maybe he was just tired and I felt very... deflated. I shouldn't have been angry at Ryota because honestly the flop of a day wasn't his fault, but he hadn't done anything extra special and it made me feel like shit. Ryota's lack of romantic gestures is probably the thing that will eventually lead to our divorce if anything does, it really gets me down! I then had to make dinner for us all, because again, if I don't... blah blah blah.

Meh, at least they're cute...

Fuck it, if I have to do the washing up myself, I WILL get trashed and wallow in self-pity!

The fact that Ryota looked like a transvestite almost made up for things!

Weirdo nudist...

Still, I'm allowed one day of bratty sadness and have decided that today is a new day and I live in Japan, I have to make sacrifices on the romantic/holiday gestures, it's just the way it is. So I sucked it up and grabbed today by the balls. The sun is shining, I'm fighting fit and I have a year to train Ryota for next Mother's day!

Friday 6 May 2011

Your cheatin' heart

I've never cheated in a relationship before, not because I have some strong moral stance on the issue of cheating, well, maybe I used to but I find my moral fibre seems to be stretched very thin these days...
But just because if I ever was going to cheat I think I would have broken up with them first. The same with my partner cheating on me, if I found out that Ryota was cheating I'd probably say: "Bummer..." or something similar and actually be thinking 'Fuck it, this is going to be a lot of paperwork...' Plus who would want to be a single parent, I have a hard enough time when there's two of us, I'd go bonkers if I was on my own. So yeah, for those reasons, I'd hope he wouldn't cheat on me, and depending on my quality of life at the time, I may just turn a blind eye to it and go find my own fuck buddy.

I've heard and seen first hand some horror stories of jealous Japanese girls going absolutely mental at the slightest hint that their boyfriend may be cheating on them. They're lovely stories to hear, especially from your foreign friends, when you can buy them a beer and say "Should have stuck with us foreign women mate!" I once met a friend for lunch who showed me his back and stomach absolutely covered in scratch marks because his Japanese girl found a mail in his phone that made her think he was cheating, (he wasn't) and she then tried to jump out the window after he told her she was an absolute jealous psycho. Another friend tried to break up with his girlfriend and she grabbed a golf club from his genkan and started to beat him around the head with it in a psychotic rage. I had a friend have to stay with me for a week because his long-term girlfriend had found a mail in English (she didn't speak a word) and thought it must have been a cheating mail, she'd chased him out of the apartment with a kitchen knife and had also threatened to jump off the balcony in psycho-J-girl-style. These are all women who I've met, two I'm friends with. Tiny, cute, harmless-looking Japanese girls who come up to my knee caps who totally fuck you up if they think you're cheating on them.

So J-girl stories don't surprise me, I've heard a lot. But I was more than a little surprised when recently I discovered my own sister has been having cheating issues of her own and had released her inner J-girl on her boyfriend. I got a mail from her a few weeks ago in the middle of the night saying that she hated men and wanted to run away to Japan. Hmmmm... My sister and I are close enough but we don't often inform each other of the juicy details of each other's lives, we just forget or are too lazy to email. So I knew that this must be serious. I sent back supportive sister comments and knew it was too raw to ask her what had happened and decided to get the gossip from my dad, who was bound to dish, as opposed to my mum who would surely add boring details or get distracted from the juicy details by asking to blow kisses at Ashton.

So Dad dished, and it turns out that silly boyfriend didn't erase his history on his computer, the very first rule of porn or dating site surfing, even I know that! My sister then found he'd been looking at dating sites and had actually made a profile. I also discovered that when she'd found out she woke the poor bloke up by smashing their dinnerware collection at the wall, with fragments getting him in the head. Very J-girlesque! At least she didn't threaten any balcony jumping, but still...
I heard her reaction before his crime and was sure she must have found him in bed with a skanky hoe, but I was like, "Is that all?? He didn't actually physically fuck anything??" My dad was a bit taken aback by my blunt question, but replied, "No, not as far as we can tell..."
To me, this isn't cheating. It could be curiosity, there are all sorts of Internet ads on sites I frequent daily with hot Asian girls in skimpy bikinis saying 'Want to meet her tonight??' in fun, suggestive fonts. Fuck I'm only about 15% lesbian and I want to fuck the hot Asian girl!!
Or what if he was just doing it for a laugh, a bit of fun??

After the situation had settled down and she'd moved back in with him after he promised to never think about touching a keyboard ever again and no doubt having his cock under lock and key for a week or so, I put this question forward to her, and she point blank refused to agree with me, she thinks intent is cheating, Internet intent or not. We totally disagree but I guess it's a very personal thing. It worries me though, it's like those catholic school girls who aren't allowed any freedom, then once they finish school they go crazy giving every boy in sight blow jobs and have Internet screen names like "Gang_bang_slut_69" (An actual screen name of mine- don't ask...) Surely the boyfriend will feel restricted from now on and actually go and cheat some time in the future?

So I'm asking you all for your opinions-

Have you ever cheated??

Have you ever been cheated on??

What constitutes cheating??

Has a J-girl ever threatened to jump off your balcony??

Thursday 5 May 2011

Playground fucker fury.

I must be getting more violent in my old age, need some meditation or some shit. Or maybe medication is more appropriate...

Hi, I'm Corinne and I may have rage issues because I literally wanted to pick up someone and smash his skull against a playground equipment bar and then throw him head first down a slide. The big slide...

And even worse, he was 7. What the fuck, I need to get this under control! I feel this will become more of a problem as Ash gets older and I live in Japan longer too. I never wanted to be one of those controlling soccer mums who ran on to the field to sort out the kid who made an unfair tackle on her son, I always wanted him to know I was here for him but that he had to have a crack at solving the problem himself, or failing that, kicking the other kid really hard without getting caught. I still really believe this but when it's such an unfair fight and when the kid in question is a ignorant little fuck it really gets my blood boiling.

We went to the park today, it was a beautiful day and I had a few free hours that I was not wasting watching TV inside so off we went to get some onigiris and juice and to play in the park for a bit. Fresh air, exercise, the perfect day for it. When we got to the park there were no other kids there but within about a minute the kid who lives near the park came over like he always does. This kid is cheeky and a bit annoying but he plays with Ash and I really don't mind him. Then, another few kids came over, they said "Ahhh America-jin mitai!!" (It looks like an American!!) this pisses me off in adults but really doesn't bother me when it's kids so I said "Hello!" and "Issho ni asobo?" (You wanna play together?) They then had a debate with each other whether I was in fact American or Japanese, the little boy was all, "But she said Hello, hello is English!!" and the girl said "But then she spoke Japanese and the little boy is Japanese!" They were friendly enough though and after a few minutes chatting I explained I was from Australia and baby Daddy was Japanese and all that other shite that is hopefully working to open their little clammed up minds.

Soon after, the park started to fill up with bigger kids and, no parents but fair play, when Ash is older I'll so send him to the park so I can have time to myself but only if I'm confident in the fact that he'll play nice and not be a right little fucker. The little fucker in question today was only 7, but a 7 year old and a 2 year old is a huge difference too. I'd left Ash playing on the slide and had already been annoyed by the little fucker screaming "HAAAARRROOOOOOO!!!!" at him repeatedly and laughing hysterically at himself. Ash obviously didn't give a fuck, but must have thought it a bit strange, he goes to Japanese kindy and speaks Japanese every day.

The older kid had a ball and Ash wanted to play with it, now had the kid been in the middle of a kicking game or something I would have told Ash to leave it but it had been sitting by the swings for about 10 minutes and the minute Ash wanted to kick it the older kid snatched it away and ran. Ash of course thought it was a game and ran after him but after about 5 minutes of the kid running away then taunting him by almost giving him the ball and snatching it back while saying "WHAT'S YOUR NAME!?" I was getting fed up. I yelled louder than I expected and I said to the little fucker, "Stop saying that, he can speak Japanese!!" I also muttered "You little cunt" under my breath but he wasn't listening at all. The other kids shifted their eyes nervously and I have a feeling this kid is probably a bully at school too because they all looked a bit scared of him.

Ash was almost hysterical by now and I decided enough was enough and said in a loud enough voice "Well, if he's not going to share, let's go to another park." The kid gave me a sideways glance and I once again told him to stop screaming bad English and reminded him that he'd been using Ash's toy cars before. He ran away, but not before the obnoxious little fuckwit screeched "OH MAI GOOOODDD!!!" at me. My face must have looked like a tomato I wanted to backhand the little shit so bad but I restrained myself and just got Ash and left, so angry and frustrated that Ash wasn't big enough and fast enough to clock him and steal his ball while I turned a blind eye. I fucking hate bullies, can't stand them. I guess the only thing I have to look forward to is Ash growing big and tall so that no fucker will even try to pick on him when he gets to school.

I also explained to Ash that there are always cunts in this world, no matter where you are, we've just got to deal with them and move on. Best work on my word choice before he learns how to say 'cunt' eh...

Wednesday 4 May 2011

Wanking on my door

I'm making this title very easy to find, because I know I've written this story here before but I can't find it anywhere. OK, that implies I've tried really hard to find it which I totally haven't, but it's a cracker of a story so I don't really mind re-writing it!

It was a warm summer night, I remember this because I had a sweaty forehead and a headache. I'd just been to a local izakaya for a few beers with my best mate. We were off to Thailand together the next week and had been planning where to stay and what to do over after-work beers. He lived just around the corner from me, but it's Japan, there was never a need to be a gentleman and walk me home so we always went our separate ways at the conbini that divided the streets our flats were on. I wasn't drunk, but had had enough to know I'd have a shower and collapse in to bed straight away. It must have been about 11pm, late enough for pissed people to say random things to me anyway.

It wasn't unusual for a drunk salary man to be chatty after he stumbled out of one of the snack bars, I'd usually laugh and say goodnight if I was in a good mood or scowl and keep walking if I wasn't. This night was no exception, and as I got to my flat entrance that happened to also share the entrance to a particularly noisy and seedy snack bar, a 40-something year old guy stumbled out on his phone. (Probably his wife asking where the fuck he was) As I trudged up the first flight of stairs (I lived on the 3rd floor) the guy smacked his phone back together urgently and cried out "ohhhh, ohh, Onesan!!" He actually had the tone of urgency in his voice to the point I thought I might have dropped something so I turned around and raised my eyebrows in a dubious question of "What?" He was obviously quite drunk, he had the stroke victim-like arm movement going on but he wasn't that far pissed that he was stumbling or anything yet. He then said in Japanese, "I want to study English!
Can we just hold on a minute here, imagine if I was in Sydney and I went up to a random Asian person and told them I wanted to study Chinese?? They'd probably go off their nut at me before telling me they were of Korean descent in an Aussie accent, and rightly so, I really hate the random English study question. (well, less so now that I have an English school but you know what I mean!) For one, I may not speak English, I may be French or German or Italian or any other nationality for all the fuck these people know. I'm totally cool with people randomly talking to me, in English or Japanese, I'm friendly. But sometimes the cheeky or obnoxious requests really piss me off. This night was no exception, I was a bit tipsy, hot, still in my work suit and had spent the whole day fake smiling at people I couldn't tell to go fuck themselves for fear of being fired, I certainly wasn't going to put up with this fuck stick for long.

I turned around to keep going and muttered "well there are loads of us foreign folk around, I'm sure you'll find one to teach you!" I totally expected him to disappear back in to the smoky snack bar cave and get lost in his whisky but to my surprise I heard the scuffing of his feet as he advanced towards the stairs. Now, I was at no point scared, he was a weedy fucker as most salary types are and I could have taken him with a chubby shoulder barge, but still, a guy coming after you puts all your attack spidey senses in to over drive so I stopped and actually turned around. He then said again but more directly, "Can you teach me English!?" and I hadn't really noticed it but his hand was lingering around his crotch area and must have unzipped himself somewhere along the line. I said that I was going, it was late, goodnight... and then I saw it, dirty fucker was totally having a wank. Now, my next reaction... I often think what I could? should? have done... thrown something at him, kicked him in the nuts, lured him up the stairs then pushed the dirty fucker down them, sprayed perfume in his eyes... but what did I do...?

I giggled.

Like a small school girl, and much like I did a few years later when I would wank Mickey Mouse boy of my own free will. (ooooo ironic!) I always giggle when I'm nervous, no doubt encouraging wanky boy to really go at it. He totally had his cock out by this time and obviously sensed he didn't have much time because he was slapping the salami furiously while creeping further up the stairs. I'd started up the stairs ahead of him at a normal pace but now he was gaining on me I knew I had to piss bolt it up the stairs and in to my flat. I started taking two steps at a time more quickly (and still laughing) but he was also running while still pulling himself and saying "Wait...wait!! I'm almost done!!" Filthy fucker! It was at this point that things really started to go bad, I dropped my shoe. Now, a guy possibly wanting to sexual assault you and a shoe doesn't seem like a hard choice to make, but not only are shoes sacred to me in any country, in this country they are like fucking oil producing gold due to my feet refusing to squish in to dainty J-girl shoes. Plus they were my expensive work high-heels, and I wasn't going to leave one of them on a dingy staircase for a seedy perv to fill it will his jizz. So I went back for the shoe, which cost me precious seconds for him to come closer to blowing his load. I came to a dangerously scary eye-level to his wang as I rushed back down the few steps and bent down to slip my shoe back on. I may have stopped giggling by this point but was just saying "Stop it! stop it!" In Japanese and "Fuck off!!!" In English. He got an English lesson in fending off sexual predators I guess.

It felt like hours but it must have all happened in minutes, maybe the snack bar girls had been building him up, because it had only been a few minutes since he starting wanking to the time it took till I'd dashed to my flat door and swung it open. I'd lost the key ages ago and despite hoards of annoying fuckers telling me how dangerous it was to leave my flat unlocked all the time I sure was grateful I hadn't listened and could slam it shut and lean against it before the wanker came any closer. As I jammed the heavy door closed and flopped all my weight on it panting in fear and exhaustion he was right behind me. (if only I'd trapped his cock in the door!) The peep hole showed me his face at that funny angle, forehead big and chin tiny with a drunken zoned out look on his face as he came all over my door with a disgusting groan that I still clearly remember. He seemed to snap out of his daze pretty quickly as I said I was calling the police and he scuttled off. I was so relieved that he'd gone that I actually called my mate and told him what had happened rather than the police, and in typical male fashion, his response was: "Damn, no girl has ever come and wanked on my door, you're lucky!"
I promptly hung up and was fortunate to have a J-boy gaijin hunter who was nice enough to come and inspect my door the next morning and clean the present wanky man had left behind.

So there you have it, I'm sure not many people can say that someone left them a string of pearls on their front door, but it's such an awesome story to tell people whenever the topic turns to weird, kinky Japan.

Watch out ladies, wanky man may be lurking at a door near you!