Thursday 29 December 2011


I have no other words for it.

This past week, on this blog, and on a few other Japan blogs, a guy, if we can call him that, has been leaving nasty comments with no real clear argument or rhyme, or reason. Just pure nastiness.
I love a good fight, an argument over opinions is great, as heated as you like, but pure racist bile and filth spewing from someone's mouth and all over their keyboard just because they are hiding behind the safety and security of the Internet, not my thing at all.

I've never had to moderate comments on this blog until now, because even though I've had weird/mean/bizarre comments before, they've always been somewhat in context to the post or the situation, call me a dirty whore on the Mickey mouse wanking post, no problem! Tell me I'm an idiot for staying with my husband and whinging all the time, go ahead, feel free! I even left one of the comments which said I wasn't aging well, because, well, if that's your opinion then I'm cool with it. Straight out abuse, I'm not cool with.

I wasn't even going to dignify his childish behavior with a response because it's not even worth it, but there's a point where nasty comments go over the line, and become stalking. That happened this morning when I received a phone call and lengthy abusive voicemail from this person, that my friends is what we call stalking and all phone records have now been turned over to the police.

Am I scared? No, I'd love for this "man" to come say hi one day and show me how tough he is in real life. Fat white bitches can be pretty tough you know, especially us barbaric Australians!
Am I disgusted? Appalled? Bewildered? Yes. That a person who I don't know at all hates me with such a passion that he'd leave a comment like this:

Unknown has left a new comment on your post "Holidays!!!":

"Man up and respond, fatfuck bitch.

Because, you know, you already look like a man.

Fucking white Australians - animals, the lot of you.

Oh snap - wasn't your little fat fag with saggy arms teaching-in-an-eikaiwa-like-a-little-fuck fuckbuddy Chris supposed to hunt me down for you?

Nah, he just blocked or edited my replies. Like the little white bitch he is - you know like your daddy. All the same, white men - all little aggressive, coward bitches.

Hope you look forward to more prank calls at your little school, then! That, and spamming 2chan with the delicious morsel that will set those peeps alight - a nasty bitch whore white woman teaching their poor, innocent Japanese kids in Tsuruoka! The scandal!"

An unprovoked attack on a woman who received this comment notification and abusive phone call while lying next to a sleeping toddler and who is 4 months pregnant. Going for the tough target. Wow.

So unknown, here is my response, I wish I could give you some better ones, but quite honestly, I'm not sure what you're looking for. Am I white, fat, Australian? Yes. Am I proud of being white...? Hell no. Ummm, not sure, but I think this pretty much covers it.

Thank you to all the wonderful people who read my blog and don't stalk me, gosh I love you guys! ♥

Monday 26 December 2011


Well, I am now officially on winter hols, it's been a long year work-wise, I took no public holidays and the bare minimum time off, and I've got the financial rewards, but am totally exhausted what with work, small child and even more childish husband, I'm fucked!

Of course the time Ryota is off will not really be a holiday, as he will no doubt go into Oosouji nazi mode and have us all cleaning every square inch of the house. I HATE doing it but am actually glad he kicks my bum into gear because I would never do it on my own and feel so much better when it's all finished.

Ash got totally spoiled for Christmas, but that's what Christmas is for afterall, I had a horrible Christmas eve which had me crying in a supermartket (more on that later) but after a tiring Christmas morning doing the school party, I ended up having a lovely roast dinner at Sassymoo's house with friends and great food, so not so bad afterall!

Ryota didn't get me a present, then predictably blamed me for not telling him what I wanted, but what else is new.

I missed my family but am hoping to make the trek home next year so I don't have to endure another Japanese Christmas.

Am kind of looking forward to the quiet New Year in Japan, eating, sleeping and organising the house for the new baby is all that's really on the agenda.

Well, that was my disconnected thought post for today! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas whether here in Japan or wherever you are.  Here's hoping that 2012 brings us all the things we wish for!

Friday 23 December 2011

My one word?

Well ,like a lot of you, one word was hard, but mine is...


Anyone who lives in Japan will relate to this I think. Although impersonal has negative connotations attached to it, but in all honesty, I like a bit of removal from human contact for most things. And in Japan, impersonal = efficient.

You want to shag your secretary without your wife finding out? Go to a love hotel where a curtain separates you from any eye contact as you hand over your bills, dripping with guilty pleasure.

You need a fanny cam? Again, no interaction here, all behind a curtain!

You want a cheap curry from your local all-night restaurant? Line up and push a button for your ticket buddy, service with a smile ain't happenin' in this establishment!

The list goes on, and not all of them are good, the only reason that customer service is so damn good in Japan is because nobody actually gives a fuck about who they're serving, they're serving a customer and their robotic mind has been programmed from day 1 in Japanese society that they have a duty to perform, nothing more, nothing less.

Another huge thing that makes me sad about the impersonal nature of Japan is the lack of human... contact? I am the only mother at kindy that gives my son massive sloppy kisses when I say goodbye, most of them give high fives or just say "onegaishimasu" to the teacher, but I want my kid to know that I still love him despite palming him off on complete strangers for 8 hours a day. I hate the fact that there's no hugging within families, no comforting pats, no touching. Although dog-fucker likes to give random creepy massages bordering on sexual around my bum area and that really freaks me the fuck out...

Am I becoming one of them? A cold fish? Never wanting to take on a human heart but stick to the impersonal shell that works so well for me in so many ways?

I don't think so, not yet anyway.

I ALWAYS feel most homesick at Christmas time, I'm not sure why because Christmas at home usually ends up in being hot and bothered (literally) trying to cook Christmas dinner and a big fight at the end of the day. But at least it was real, nitty-gritty family stuff. It also doesn't help that Ryota always manages to fail spectacularly in the present/Christmas spirit department and ends up blaming me for not telling him what I wanted as a present. I've gone all out for Ash and Ryota, but that's because I like giving presents more than I like receiving them too.

So merry Christmas, I will no doubt end up crying in to a glass of fake champagne!

Thank you for all the 'one word' comments, I could relate to a lot of them!

Tuesday 20 December 2011

Describe Japan in one word.

Go on, give it a go!

I was just thinking about mine but it intrigues me so I'll let you know my thoughts after I hear some other words of view.

Saturday 17 December 2011

The threesome that wasn't.

She didn't know how she got herself into these situations. It was 10am on a Sunday morning, the morning after, and she had woken up to the distant smell of deodorant and sweat as her eyes and brain, fuzzy from the remains of the alcohol still pumping through her blood, got used to her surroundings. She realised her face was resting on a dark brown chest, the tattoo running down it right next to her nose. And behind her, two bony, white knees wedged in between her legs much like a child in the womb. Hands rested on her shouler and on her belly in a protective pose. The room was horribly messy, as was her head, fumbling to piece together what had happened the night before. But there were more important things to think about, a piss and a shower to start with, then perhaps another drink to take the edge off.

It had started the night before, Saturday, her best friend and room mate, her saviour in Japan, was going home. And so a sayonara party had taken place, with a mixture of sadness and excitement for the future without her confident friend to lean on, she went to the gritty streets of Osaka for the obligatory bar hopping that had to take place whenever someone escaped the clutches of Japan to start their real lives. Her friend was popular, actually she felt a little hurt that she didn't get to spend more time with just her friend, she didn't want to share her with the crowds of adoring male fans and loud, high-pitched Japanese girls. But her friend was one of those shining stars of people that not only was a good friend, but could charm the panties off just about anyone, charisma to the extreme, and not in the cheesy way either.

So she kept to herself until she was well and truly drunk, sticking with her dark brown guy friend, who had a Japanese girlfriend but liked to drink and eat Korean BBQ with the girl, and more often than not ending up snogging in a Karaoke booth with her until 9am. They had never slept together, and it was never going to happen, but alcohol does that to you, pushes you a little bit over the edge of reason but not quite to the point of no return. They were best friends, and there wasn't much that could destroy that. On the other side of her, apart from the empty beer glasses, was the gay guy who they sometimes worked with. And he wasn't just 'gay,' he was a total flaming queen. You instantly knew within a few seconds of meeting him that he was impossibly gay, the hand gestures, the voice and the sexual innuendos were a dead giveaway. He was entertaining and had a crush on her dark brown friend so it was an interesting dynamic, although for a gay guy he touched her way more than she would have liked, it made her uncomfortable, and she was already uncomfortable enough in her own skin, without someone else making it crawl.

After more alcohol than ever should have been consumed, the conversation turned dirty, as it always tends to do, and gay guy tried to convince dark brown guy to just give 'being gay' a go. Like it was a trial for a new lifestyle and sexual orientation and a great deal. She laughed at this prospect and was secretly grateful that the attention was totally off her, but she was the buffer, gay guy was about 80% serious and dark brown guy kept joking and looking to her for support. Finally, dark brown guy agreed that if gay guy could get him hard, he'd give it a go. Sounds simple right? Well, that's what dark brown guy was like, open to anything if it was boiled down to pure simplicity. His argument was that he was straight, therefore it was physically impossible to get a hard on from another guy. The girl was totally pissed by this point and was fascinated by the whole argument of fundamental sexual biology. So the three of them left to go home, they all lived in the same area and hopped straight off the train into the local underground bar to order hard liquor and little bowls of fried foods dripping in oily delicious batter. This is the point in time where it became apparent that things were getting serious, gay guy started fondling dark brown guy under the table and she became increasingly aware of how bad it must have looked to every other person in the bar, yet the drunken haze surrounding her made it impossible to do nothing but giggle and exchange desperate glances with dark brown guy.

After about an hour at the bar it was time to push on home, to dark brown guy's house, gay guy was determined to give him a hard on, but he'd had no joy so far. Gay guy rationalised this to dark brown guy being too drunk, but she'd been in enough Karaoke boothes with him to know that he got a hard on when looking at ads for bras and panties, it wasn't that he was drunk, it was that he wasn't gay, and he wasn't turning gay for this guy who wasn't particularly ugly, but nothing that special either.
As they loaded up on covini beers and bottles of vodka to numb the reality of what was going to happen, the girl whispered to the dark brown guy, "Should I go home?!" "NOOOO" he hissed back at her, he was desperate to get out of this situation but it seemed there was no turning back now, gay guy was determined.

Finally, they got to his flat, after the girl stopped in the park to have some vodka and a swing on the swings, increasing the vodka's effects. As they traipsed up the steps, gay boy was still chatting excitedly about what fun the dark brown guy was going to have and she wondered where he thought she fit in to it all, dark brown needed her, but gay guy...
They flopped on the bed, exhausted and drunk and gay guy got straight to it under the covers searching for dark brown guy's dick, the girl giggling at the tangle of wandering hands and web of legs that was going on. Gay guy tried, for a long time, with no success to get him hard, and finally, dark brown guy said "It's no use, I'm not gay, sorry!" But gay guy was still persistent, insisting that it was because he was drunk. The girl had lost interest by this point and was watching a comedy DVD much to the dismay of dark brown guy, when she suddenly heard her name in a desperate tone of voice. Dark brown guy had had a light bulb go off in his head, he needed to prove he wasn't too drunk to get a hard on, but also that he wasn't gay, so he asked the girl to please take her clothes off and give him a blow job, then it would prove he wasn't gay.

The girl was bemused, she hadn't realised she would be dragged in to this scandalous web, but beer in hand, was suddenly excited by the idea of proving the gay guy wrong, like dashing his dreams would prove something about her, so she whipped her top off and dived in. Sure enough dark brown guy got hard as soon as she started, it was probably more from familiarity and relief than anything else, and proudly showed his engorged cock off to gay guy, who was sulking, naked on the side of the bed. They messed around for as long as they could, until gay guy tried to get in on the action, when the girl pretended to pass out, only to really pass out. Thoughts swirled through her head as she fell into the deep sleep that drinking induces, she wondered what was going to happen when they all woke up. And then they did.

This is a true story that happened not that long ago, but so long it feels like a lifetime ago. The girl is me by the way, just in case you were worried I've been pretending this whole time and I'm actually a gay guy or a dark brown one...

Thursday 15 December 2011

An update

Sorry to leave you hanging with all the misery!

Of course things are a lot better since last post, but they've been up and down, depending on Ryota's moods, which makes me believe more and more every day that he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue. And I'm not even being a smart arse, I think he might have some form of depression, not that I'm an expert or anything, but I've been around people with mental illnesses pretty much my whole life and know the signs. It's just a shame I don't think I'm one of those strong people who can get him through it, I'm just not strong enough, so we're all pretty much fucked!

Although I still maintain that if we just shag more all our problems will be solved, a good shag always makes things better!

And speaking of... There's something interesting been going on there. Don't worry, nothing too gory, but basically, when Ryota and I first dated, I think we did the normal amount of kissing, well for a part J-couple anyway. Kissing when shagging was always on the cards but not so much at other times (not counting quick pecks when saying goodbye). But after we got married, the kissing TOTALLY stopped. Not during shag time, not any time! I like kissing so I was a bit miffed, but you know, it's not that exciting when it's with someone you're married to anyway, so meh, no big loss. Then, about 2 weeks ago, he just started up with the kissing during shagging. I have no idea why, but now it is standard! Not complaining, but why would it just start up now?? I'm perfecting his technique too, he was all shove-the-tongue-right-down-the-throat in the beginning, but he's actually improving and I look forward to some of the only real intimacy we have. But really, how intimate can it get with a snoring 2 year old next to you?? Still, I take what I can get in this affection starved world I live in.

Christmas season is as busy as fuck as usual but I have decided to take 2 blissful weeks off over New Year and Christmas because, well it's my school and I'll bludge if I want to. I can't wait to be a real mum and take Ash to the park and stuff!

I'm pretty much organised present wise, sent my $200 worth of postage back to the family, funny when the postage starts costing more than the damn gift. Of course Ryota bitched and moaned like he always does about Christmas western style being expensive and too much of a bother until I told him to shut his trap, he didn't have to do any of the hard work and that it can't be helped, Christmas is expensive, deal.

I'm slowly but surely eating my way in to fattyville again, but being pregnant gives you this luxury I guess, I'll just have to take shit loads of drugs and starve myself after bubby is born. The things we do...

I HATE not being able to drink, I was literally drooling over all the foreign wines they have at our local supermarket for the festive season. Surely the baby won't mind a little drop on Chrissy night or New year's eve???

I've been having terrible cravings for Indian food, which luckily for me, is good and fairly cheap in Japan, however most of the time, the only person with enough free time/no life to go with me, is dog fucker. I hate going to dinner with her but can't really well go by myself, so I've eaten out twice with dog fucker recently. She's totally due for a mood swing so maybe I should get one more meal out of her before she snaps and retreats to her dog-fucking cave.

Friday 2 December 2011

And again...

International marriage fucking blows.

I hate being married in Japan sometimes. To a Japanese guy. To my Japanese guy?

So, this is how it went down this morning:

All was fine, Ryota has been helping me at home, a lot this week as I felt like I was going to die from a tummy bug on Wednesday and Thursday, but brownie points or not, this morning cleared them all. We get on to conversations on work, my work. Next year I'm changing the school system so I get public holidays and some extra time off, I worked my bum off this year and it just ain't gunna happen next year, I'll be dead by I'm 30. I'm excited about the new system, it's a good system but the extra holidays may mean that some students quit. I'm prepared for this and said to Ryota that we just had to accept that next year will not be a huge money-making year for the school because a) The new system will probably mean some drop-outs. b) I'm not going to do any advertising campaigns due to having small human inside belly. And c) I'm going to have to pay a teacher for at least a while to cover some, if not all of my lessons during baby pushing-out time.
This was a reasonable statement I think, I've accepted this, but like always, Ryota turns into a fucking mental case whenever we talk about money.

So after I said we'd just have to accept next year wasn't going to be that financially good, he said "So you're telling me I can never quit my job??" And as soon as he said it I knew he just wanted a fight. That wasn't what I was saying, but honestly, I wanted to. For him to quit his job any time soon is absolutely fucking insane to me. And to answer some comments, he wants to start his own landscaping business when he quits his job, and I support this, just not now. When my business, the main salary of the house, is also going to be shitty for a while. Once the bub goes to kindy, I can go back to working my arse off and have a stable income and THEN I want him to follow his fucking pipe dreams, it won't matter if he fails then. If he fails now, we're fucked.

The reason he wants to quit his job? Is because he doesn't get along with people, but how the fuck do you tell someone nicely that it's not everyone else, it's him that's the fucker?? Not always, but I can't believe that it's ALWAYS everyone elses's fault either. I'm sure working in a Japanese workplace is horrid, but he needs to man up and do it like every other person, no?? Am I being unreasonable?? Should I just let him quit if that's what he wants to do??

Anyway, I knew he wanted to fight, sometimes I think he needs to fight to get rid of stress but it just stresses me out more, so he kept asking "When can I quit??" "You don't think I can start my own business??" To which I answered in Japanese, "Dekiru toomou yo" (No, I think you can do it.) To which he WENT OFF, saying 'don't talk to me like a fucking kid!! What the fuck is that!?' Which really fucking upset me, I wasn't being cheeky, maybe I made a mistake in Japanese but fuck me he makes mistakes and uses stupid English all the time and I never say anything, because that's what you do in an international marriage, you fucking just understand what the other person is trying to say. 

I'm so upset.

Then he asks me where the lighter is because he's going to start smoking again, he wanted me to stop him but I just didn't have the energy but it made me realise I've married a man with total mental weakness, he can't handle stress so he takes it out on others or other things. So disappointing that I've married a fucking mental case.

So at lunchtime he sends me this message:

"you dont wanna say sorry"

I replied with a massive rant that the only thing I could say sorry for was not being able to make him happier, because only he could do that.

Then he replied with:

"Why should I have to work next year? Us right?"

Ummmmm what the fuck, he wants to have the fucking baby?? Go ahead buddy!!! Be my guest, get fat, give birth, have to give up a job you actually like. Fucking cunt.

I sent him a reply to this effect that his tiny mind could comprehend and he replied with:

"you made me so angly im enught done i gave to u chance! done"

See what I mean about not tearing his fucking engrish to pieces, I would never belittle him and do that! (well except on my blog, but he already did the damage!!) I replied that he needn't come home tonight, he should stay at his Dad's house because after working 11 hours today I don't need an argument or the silent treatment. He said "got it. see you." So who fucking knows what that means most likely he'll come home and be a complete prick anyway but I really hope not.

Isn't this a horrible thought I just had, maybe if he came home and we had such a big argument that I had a miscarriage it would solve our problems.

Fucking messy, sorry for the horrible darkness, but I need some way to let it out!

Thursday 1 December 2011


To conclusions, and literally that is.

On the weekend, we went to... the horse races. I know, gambling with the toddler on the weekend sounds a bit seedy, but we didn't go for the gambling, we went for the massive kids park they have there to lure families so it isn't just old men sucking on cigarettes to disguise the stench of desperation that seeps from their pores.

Still plenty of desperate old men putting their last bit of yen and dignity to their names on a galloping animal with a mini-person riding it, they all gave me plenty of gaijin stares too, I felt like saying "FUCK YOU, DEGENERATE GAMBLER!!" in a Tony Soprano voice, but I restrained myself.
So after we cleared the actual gambling area, we got to the massive, and it is huge, park for kids. 5 different play equipment thingies, swings, slides, sand, even TV screens for the dads so they can keep one eye on little Hiro-kun and the other on his sure bet. But the most impressive thing: massive titties!!!
Yes! Actual big soft, bouncy titties that the kids can bounce on. The more politically correct may call these mochi mountains or something, but if you just painted a nipple on each peak, perfect tits!

So Ash headed straight for the bouncy titties but instead of climbing up and bouncing like a normal kid, had great difficulty getting up the sides to bouncy fun heaven. He tried about 10 times and was getting so frustrated with himself as his lardy arse kept sliding down he gave a big dramatic "NOOOOOO!!!!" each time. It was quite funny for me to watch, seeing as though I'm more of the type of mother that stands and giggles at her son's frustrations rather than helps him. I decided I'd give him a few more tries and then give his little bum a boost, but as I was being amused by his failure to bounce on the tits, I noticed two boys up the top looking at Ash. They were probably about 3rd or 4th graders and looked from me to Ash and obviously made the connection that he was a halfie. I also noticed that every time Ash got close to the top they were bouncing so close to him that it was contributing to his falls back down the sides. I watched for a few more times and already decided I hated these two little fuckers, obviously they were just being smart arses trying to stop the little kid getting up by bouncing in his space! So I led Ash over to the middle of the two tits where the sides weren't quite so steep so it would be easier for him to climb up.

Although he still was having trouble, it seemed a bit easier for him but then I noticed the same two boys had followed him and were now bouncing at the top where Ash was trying to get up. I really started to get pissed off then. Were they bullying him?? Because he was little?? Chubby?? A halfie?? Ash was still failing miserably and as the two boys got so close to Ash that it was impossible for him to get up, I was a second away from telling them to go fuck off or I would release gaijin fury on them, when suddenly the smaller of the two boys gave me a quick glance and caught Ash's hand as he once again slid hopelessly to the bottom of the titties. I was a bit shocked, but thought I'd see what would happen when I heard the boy say "NOOOO jyanai yo! Dekiru yo!" (Don't say NO! You can do it!) And I was flabbergasted as the smaller boy took his hands and the bigger boy pushed his bum from behind and they helped him up to the top.

Thank fucking God I didn't tell them off.

I'd looked at these poor kids through suspicious gaijin eyes, I didn't even think that maybe they'd been plucking up the courage to help him. And I felt ashamed and realised that I've been living in Japan so long with people assuming I can't use chopsticks and staring at me and asking me if I'm a Russian hostess, that I'm way too defensive. I feel like when I came here I was a cute innocent porcupine and I'm still that porcupine, only I'm just waiting for someone to piss me off, my spikes ready and willing to jab anyone that has a go.

It was a good experience though, it made me realise that not everyone in the world is a cunt, and if I go through life thinking they are then I'm going to encounter way more of them along the way. Wow, who knew I could get an inspirational line in with the word cunt... Score!

Saturday 26 November 2011

At peace

With Japan.

 Or so I thought. Lately I've been so wrapped up in my own personal problems (do I need to re-cap: motherfucker of a husband, living in a close proximity to annoying in-laws, having a sister-in-law who molests small dogs, bun in the oven and at a loss what to do...) that I haven't really had time to be annoyed with Japan or Japanese people.

Yesterday though, I had a series of small instances that once again had me itching to take a flag of the rising sun and use the red circle as a target to take a big, steaming dump on it.

Yeah, put that in your imagery pipe and smoke it!

So it started off when I ventured out to the doctors for another fanny-cam. Lovely. I wore a skirt because I knew there may have been a fanny-cam involved. OK, that's a big lie, I wore a skirt because it's lighter when I do the weigh-in of shame in front of the nurses... But anyway, it's chilly, but not totally ridiculous to be wearing a skirt, plus it wasn't a slapper mini-skirt, it went down to my knees! But of course, the next door neighbour almost had a heart attack because god forbid I would go out in a skirt on a cold day. She accosted me as I mounted my bicycle, struggling to balance the bike and not flash her my minge, I gave a hearty "Ittekimasuuu!" like a good neighbour does, and was on my way, but she stopped me in my tracks, inquiring why I was wearing a skirt on such a cold day, and without boots! If she'd had a little notebook I swear she would have written me up. And do you know what else shits me, apart from the fact that my dressing habits are none of her fucking business? She's not even Japanese, she's Korean! She's just been in this country too damn long that she feels the need to make observations on how other people are inappropriately dressed for the weather.

My next incident, was at Costco. Fucking Costco, it shaves years off my life every time I go to that fucking place. In a nutshell, I bought a book, and they couldn't find the price tag for it, so instead, they just got another book, a Disney book that was clearly more expensive than the book I'd picked out and used the price tag from that the sneaky fuckers, so when I realised what they'd done I questioned the guy at the counter who palmed me off to another counter, who then took 20, yes 20 minutes to find the book I'd wanted only to tell me I had to join the fucking 20 minute line of people to re-purchase at proper price. It reminded me of customer service back home, I was so fired up that I fucking fainted on my shopping cart. I have low blood pressure as it is but when I'm pregnant and angry it almost definitely will lead to passing out. After a sweaty recovery, where NO FUCKER helped me, I was so fucked off that I just took the book and dealt with the fact that I'd been ripped off by pure incompetence. Now Costco is separate from Japan, but the fact that everybody ignored me when I clearly fainted, IS a Japan thing. Pregnant or not, if a person slumps over their shopping cart in my vicinity I'm going to try and help the poor bastard. But alas, this is Japan where not helping people is conveniently masked with the excuse of not wanting to embarrass them. Fucking cunts.

And finally, as I was cycling home, an old woman dithered and dallied and got in my fucking way, causing my bike tyre to fall in to a crack and make me skid. It wasn't that dangerous but I clenched my teeth and hissed "stupid fucking bitch!" as she did a small jog of a few steps to get out of the way. When it was too late. No sorry from her, just an icy glance as she realised I was cursing her in English. Is it that hard to just stay out of the angry, pregnant gaijin girl's way?!

Friday 25 November 2011

Like a little rag doll.

I haven't written anything in way too long. I've lost my groove. Actually, to be honest, Ive lost my groove in most areas of my life, not just blogging!

Since discovering that I'm pregnant, I've been having some struggles, and I hate it. I hate that women are the ones who have to give birth. I hate that I have to choose my job or my baby. But perhaps I'm being too selfish, here's my perfect world scenario: I want to spend the first year with the baby and then when he or she can go to kindy, I want to go back to working full-time. But shit ain't gunna go down like that, just not possible. And I love how Ryota says "So, when do you think you'll be able to work, after 3 weeks, a month??" And it shits me to tears, yes I CAN work, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to give up my career and be a stay at home mum forever, but I want the first year to bond with my child. When they start getting mobile and cheeky then fuck, they can go to kindy all day everyday for all I care. If I go back to work after a month, I'll still be bleeding, I'll still be leaking fucking milk from my nipples. PLUS I'm going to have to do the morning lessons at the school as soon as possible, because I can't afford to hire two teachers a day. The point is, I'm going to have to sacrifice my career or my motherhood, but probably both.

I'm at such a loss as what to do and it's stressing me out to the point where I can't sleep, or when I do I wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare or grinding my teeth too hard.

I wish women had some kind of other option, I fucking hate having a vagina sometimes.

On other fronts, Ryota is being a poster husband (for the moment) because he wants to quit his job and after much bitching I told him unless he smartened the fuck up and did his share of housework the only time he'd be quitting his job was after the ink was dry on our freshly stamped divorce papers. So he's been on a good husband mission ever since, washing up, cleaning the kitchen and not bitching to his usual extent, I'm loving it! Of course I'll never let him quit his job, no matter how much of a good Mr Mum he is, we'd all be fucked without his steady income and much anticipated bonuses. I'll certainly let him dream for as long as I can milk his housework skills though.

So this is a whiny advice-seeking post. What would you do if you were me? Have you ever been in this situation? Advise me oh wise internet world!!

Due June 26th 2012, AKA the deadline!!!

Saturday 12 November 2011

Fanny-cam Japan

There are many things I hate about being pregnant, let me just list a few-
*getting horribly fat
*stretch marks
*not being able to drink or take drugs
*feeling like a watermelon is going to fall out of your fanny very time you walk around...

The list goes on and on, and don't even get me started on child birth, miracle of life my fucking engorged tit.

However, there is one particular aspect I'd like to focus on today, and that, is the fanny-cam. I've never actually seen a fanny-cam but I imagine it looks something like a hair curling iron, long and strait but slightly cylindrical and stainless steel. Could be way off here, but that's the image I have anyway. When you're only a little bit pregnant, they can't see the little bacteria sucking away at it's mother's vital nutrients, they need a fanny-cam for that. I've had the fanny cam about 5 times now, and that's 5 more times than I'd like, it's awful. Let me break it down for those who are interested...

First of all, you are led in to the little room by the nurse and told to strip down on the lower half.

Then you sit in the chair that lets half your bum and fanny hang out the bottom.

After that, the chair tells you in a sweet, Japanese voice over- "The chair will now move, please take care!"

And like something out of a futuristic James Bond extravaganza, the chair lifts, swivels and opens your legs so all the nurses and doctor can see what you had for breakfast.

Legs are left dangling helplessly as you lie back and just try and deal with the humiliation of it all, thanking the lord for the very Japanese style curtain that separates your flushed red face and those of the straight faced nurses and doctor.

Then, the doctor tells you to relax. Uh huh, something that I think resembles a curling iron is about to be inserted in to my vagina, not relaxin' Doc!

Once it's in it doesn't actually hurt but makes me squirm when they move it to the left and right to get pictures of my ovaries. My ovaries don't do snapshots, they're camera shy, like most of my insides!

Just yesterday I had my most recent fanny-cam and after the voice of the doctor had explained where the baby was and had poked fanny-cam around to get the shots of whatever he wanted, I was instructed to get dressed and then go and talk to the doctor. Same doctor that had just had a close encounter with my twat mind you. So I did the dress of shame and trudged in to the office to see the doctor. He started talking and after about 5 seconds actually looked at my face and gave a big surprised sound, it was my favourite doctor from when I was pregnant with Ash, I'd always liked him so I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't help thinking, 'You didn't recognise me from the fanny-cam?!' Maybe all fannies do look the same but I thought a foreign one might have given him a hint... Then again, if he'd been poking around my bits and said "Ohhhhh I remember this fanny now!!! It's the strange foreign fanny!!!" I would have been pretty freaked out too.

I'm hoping my next appointment will skip the fanny-cam and go straight to the jelly-belly ultrasounds.

Monday 7 November 2011

What are you all crazy?!?!

And should I mention that I was going to make the title, "What are you all FUCKING crazy!?!?" but restrained myself for fear of insulting my lovely readers.

The best pressie in my belly was the maltesers and freddo frogs my mum sent me!

Of course the baby comes in at a close 2nd, but still!

Yes, there is a tiny little bun getting ready to be cooked until soft and squishy, when I shall be put through the most insane pain of my life. For the second time. Hopefully for the last time.

I'm not sure how to feel about being pregnant, I shouldn't even be telling anyone, I'm only about 8 weeks and all sorts of pregnancy websites say don't say anything until 12 weeks in case you miscarry, but fuck, I wouldn't be able to keep that a secret either, may as well have it all out in the open eh!

I'm actually quite stressed out about the whole thing, I knew I wanted another baby, Ash will totally turn into a spoiled bratty chonan if he doesn't at least learn to share his stuff, but when I went on a shagging fest and stopped taking the magic little pill that prevents you going through the horror of pregnancy I didn't really quite think it all through.. (Story of my life, no?!) A baby is all good, but my main worry is the school, if anyone wants to come and work at my school for minimum wage but the bonus of getting to see my ugly mug every day, let me know!

Still, things with Ryota have been better of late, so that's one area that's not stressing me out. The emotional side of pregnancy is fucking me off no end, I cried yesterday because the washing wasn't dry and it was still drizzling outside. Ummmm who the fuck cries over washing?! Morning sickness is also hitting me a bit when I wake up, I'm craving orange juice 24/7, and don't even get me started on the amount of pissing that goes with pregnancy!

So that's my big news, I had a lovely birthday (even though I couldn't drink!) and despite the stress, I'm looking forward to life as a 28 year old!

Thursday 3 November 2011

Making my own

Happiness that is.

Go shorty, it's my birthday! Although another wrinkle to the collection isn't much to celebrate, I still love birthdays. In Japan, not so much. Ryota never fails to spectacularly disappoint me, and it's not even his fault, it's totally a culture thing. So this year, I made my own fun!

Here is what I have planned...

* For a start, I took the day off work, unheard of recently! And I didn't make excuses, I told the truth " sorry so-and-so san, you can't book a lesson on Thursday, because I'm being totally selfish and having a fun day for my birthday, if you don't like it, fuck off!" well, in so many words..

* Next, I'm blogging this from bed, and don't intent to get out until absolutely necessary.

* Which will be at about 11am when I have a hair appointment at a swanky salon in Osaka to have some drastic hair changes. I've been doing my hair at home for so long, it's in desperate need of a change, expect pics!

* After that, I will go to USJ (universal studios Japan) with Ash and Ryota for some fun, excessive amounts of over-priced sugary treats and cute souvenirs and the final day of the Halloween parade at night. More for ash than me, but his happiness is my happiness because you know, I'm such a fucking saint of a mother and all!

* Then, to top it off, a massive steak or some other similarly American artery blocker for dinner at the hard rock cafe. And if I'm not too full, which I totally will be, there shall be cake.

* Ooooooo I didn't even mention the pressies! My mum went halves in my new electrical bicycle, carries two kids and plump gaijin arse easily, is very cool lookin, and gets all our lardy arses up hills at about 40km/hr. I also got the new iPhone 4s, Ryota is claiming this as his present to me, but I'm not sure it counts, he got one too! Whatever, I have an awesome new phone, this is all that matters! I also got packages from my mum, sister and aunty that I haven't opened yet. I'm pretty sure dog fucker might have got me something too, let's all look forward to the hilarity that will bring!

But the best pressie, is in my belly.

I'm 28 today by the way, a good age? I honestly don't mind getting older, especially in Japan where senpai is everything!

So happy birthday to me! My advice for poor, romance-deprived foreign wives? Do it yourself, no other fucker will!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday 31 October 2011


Not dead. Almost. Dead tired.

Yesterday marked the end of a two week stint without a day off. Not that every day was jam-packed, but still, there's something very tiring about no day off to look forward to for a long period of time.

At least yesterday was a fun Halloween party, I was a princess, MIL a pumpkin, and Ash Mike Wasowski from Monsters Inc. A lovely day was had by all but god damn I was glad it was over.

I fucking suck for not writing more, but I have 3 lessons back to back, but promise to write about my experience of working for a cult of rich women tomorrow!

Friday 21 October 2011


As in pissed off, not drunk. I wish I was drunk.

And I'm not sure if I'm pissed off enough to constitute that word, maybe 'miffed' would be a better choice.

Let me back up and see what you think...

I have a student, and she's a very typical eikaiwa student, we've all taught a version of her. Because she's one of my students, let's call her... S-san. She's in her 50's, a housewife and she teaches English to kids on the side. Not really for any other reason than the status, it would seem.
 Her English isn't bad, but I certainly wouldn't want my kid learning English from her. Whatever. She's nice enough, although has that twang of racism/prejudice that is so common in older ladies here, but you just let it slide, because they're paying for your Internet shopping addiction by you chatting to them and letting shit that normally would make you hit them over the head with a textbook, slide.

S-san has 2 daughters, one is a Japanese OL and the other lives in Australia. This was a nice topic generator for us, me being a dinky die sheila and all. Now last week, as I was waiting for her to turn up for her scheduled lesson, I got a pretty big shock when she rocked up with her daughter who lives in Australia AND her Australian boyfriend... Had I been prepared for a foreigner to waltz in to my classroom I may have been able to think of some questions to ask them, just mentally prepare myself for a lesson that involved another native speaker and 2 Japanese speakers. We mail each other regularly for lesson scheduling and i really would have appreciated her telling me beforehand, but it's cool, not brain surgery, I dealt. Although I have to admit, there were many awkward pauses, nobody really knew what to talk about, I was asking questions that nobody seemed to want to answer, and apparently the reason that they had even come was to ask advice on how he could live in Japan. Ummmm not that hard, get a crappy job in McEikaiwa and then decide where you want to go...

But the thing that made it worse, it was PAINFULLY obviously that the daughter and her boyfriend did not want to be there, and who could blame them, I wouldn't want to go with my mother to her language class either! But the daughter was much worse than the goofy Aussie dude actually. I find that I often clash with J-girls who have lived overseas, I don't know why but I find a lot of them are... Bitchy? Arrogant? Snotty? I'm not sure but this bitch really rubbed me the wrong way, she had her arms folded over her chest the whole time and would give no answer/one word answers, and put in words like "whatever" and "anyway" in a really bitchy manner. Her boyfriend had a little more tact but still kind of annoyed me, get a handle on your bitches man!

So when they left I let out a big sigh of relief, but then I had S-san again today and we were talking about the boyfriend. The family all hate him, and I kind of felt bad so I was sticking up for him saying that at least he had a stable job, was making an effort to learn Japanese and not being a total bum unlike about 97% of Australian men. But THEN she told me what he said about me, apparently he said: "Did Corinne live in America, because she has really American reactions..." Ummm I can only take this as an insult coming from a country Aussie boy but I really have no idea what it means. Then she said he asked "Isn't COLIN a guys name??" Fuckwit. AND he said "Her English is weird, it's like Japanese English..." Ummm of course it is you fucking idiot, you think I talk to your future mother-in-law for fun?? If that was so she wouldn't be paying me unless it was the next round of drinks, and I'd be saying "fuck" a whole lot. But I have to have some sympathy, he just doesn't get that teaching English in Japan is about 90% acting. And I explained to her (I don't know why I felt defensive) that of course after living and teaching in Japan for 7 years, my English has changed, if I went around speaking too fast and using the slang I would with another native speaker, I'd have no students. Learning English is about confidence, I don't want people to give up before they've even started trying.

I'm not sure why, but this has really started to annoy me, I don't even think that he was having that big of a go at me, but he just has so much of no idea, and it makes me angry, I want him to understand for some reason. Plus the cunt of a daughter just pissed me off.

Thursday 20 October 2011

Spooky season

Well, it is Halloween season, but the shock I got yesterday when I got home was way more than I wanted, and I'm a thrill seeker!

As I parked my bicycle and lugged the 20kgs of whining boy off, I got some kind of chill up my spine, a sense that something wasn't quite right. It might have been the fact that the front door wasn't completely closed, or a slight sound I heard, or an instinct that kicked in. Whatever it was, I knew there was an intruder in my house.

I tentatively opened the door, I tried to do it in a stealth manner, but it's a "GARA-GARA-GARA" kind of sliding door that never seems to open smoothly, so my attempts failed. My heart started pumping harder so that I could feel the pulses in my head as the 2nd floor floorboards made a slight creak. Someone was upstairs.

I ushered Ash in to the toy haven that used to be my living room and craned my neck up the stairs, hoping my ears would pick up some kind of signal that it was the cat or my imagination, but it was unmistakeably the sound of the balcony window opening. Had they shimmied the balcony and were on their way in to rape and murder us?? I grabbed the thing closest to me, which happened to be a floor cleaner, a flurry of dust ironically spiralling up around me as I did. What was I going to do, impale a robber with the pointy end of a floor cleaner? I didn't know, but i at least wanted to be prepared.

As I started creeping my way up the stairs, I saw a shadow dart out of the way in the room from the open door, it was straight out of a fucking Stephen King novel, all I needed was for a clown to peek out from under the stairs. I kept inching my way up the stairs, clasping on to the railing so all my weight was on it, rather than the creaky stairs. I finally made it to the top and did some kind of James Bond move near the door, back flat up against it, breathing in to make myself as thin as the wall while I peered around the corner to see someone waiting for me. Sweat was trickling down between my boobs, my every sense tingling with anticipation. And then...

Fucking Grandma.

I shit you not I almost fucking throttled her with the floor cleaner anyway. Grandma has been know to come into our house uninvited (ummm hello, everyday!) but it's usually while we're there and never upstairs. This is why I was convinced it wasn't Grandma, because she can barely make it up Steep Japanese stairs like ours, I never thought she would bother going up ours voluntarily. But apparently it was a matter of life and death. Why?? Because I had the fleece blankets out drying and the sun went in. Ummmmm the blankets aren't going to fucking disintegrate woman!
I told her I thought it was an intruder and she laughed and said "Don't worry, they wouldn't make it past me!" well if my fucking blanket violation doesn't I guess she's right.

I have to get out of the dirt path ghetto one day. Sooner rather than later.

Friday 14 October 2011

Taking one for the cake

I’m sure all of you know very well by now just how much I dislike Ryota’s sister, my SIL. I’m not shy about it and the feeling is pretty much mutual and usually works in some kind of awkward arranged way. But as much as I don’t like her/thinks she’s absolutely mental/would love to get away from her, the reality of the matter is, I need her.
My son loves her, I don’t know why, well, maybe I do, she’s got the intellect of about a 2 year old, although I fear comparing them would be insulting to toddlers everywhere. She has lots of free time, so unlike most people around Ash, she’s always fair game for playing. And recently, my working hours are from 9am-8pm with a few breaks thrown in to clean and cook (not complaining, this is good for a business owner!), so Ash has been staying at Grandma’s house with dog-fucker and Grandma while I’m at work. I have to admit, if she wasn’t moping around wasting space I’d be pretty much fucked for childcare, so for that I am grateful.

Now dog-fucker doesn’t get out much and we actually have one thing in common, we love cake. So after I got out of hospital, we threw around the idea of going to a restaurant that has an all-you-can-eat cake deal. And it’s not crappy buffet-style cake, it’s good cake that you get to choose from the glass display cabinet! Of course, I was thinking we’d all go together as a family, or we’d talk about it but never actually do it, but when dog-fucker said on Wednesday night, “Soooo, cake tomorrow??” I was a little taken aback. I’d already let out the fact that I only had four lessons on Thursday in the morning and evening so I was fucked for that excuse, but the only thought running through my head was ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkdon’twannagodon’twannagodon’twannagodon’twannagooooooo’ so I started on an excuse that was actually true, while Thursday is a quiet day lesson-wise, Friday is busy as in lessons one after the other from morning to night, with a trip to a kindergarten to get poked up the bum by some small boys too just to make my life a bit more hectic, and I needed time on Thursday to prepare those lessons. Ok, Ok, so the preparation wasn’t that hard, but still, I was imagining at least 2 hours with just dog-fucker… “What would we talk about? It will be so awkward! I’ll have to pay for her poor arse! All these things flew through my mind as her sharp little face looked at me inquisitively. It was like some kind of horrible test that would determine our relationship from here on out, was I to shut her down and ruin my chances of free child care, or take on the horrible duty of my precious leisure time spent with someone I despise in the spirit of good will and keeping the boat firmly anchored with no chance of rocking any time soon…

So I did what any coward with a tendency to panic would do, I said I’d check my work schedule and see if it was possible. Now pretty much as soon as I’d said this I’d decided I wasn’t going. I keep Thursdays clear for a reason, to wash the sheets, to do the banking, catch up on paperwork, relax! I most certainly didn’t want to waste my day with her of all people. Plus, you know, I like cake, but as the saying goes: “Nothing tastes better than being thin” and I really wasn’t that fussed to go. As I thought about all this, and what kind of mail to send her, there was a niggling image in the back of my mind, of the day I had my tonsils out and dog-fucker took the only day of work she had off (probably just because she’s lazy but still…) to come to the hospital and see me. Then of her picking up Ash every day I was in hospital… And I got the twinges of guilt… I thought she really hated me, but if she’s wanting to go eat cake with me then maybe she really wants to be friends? I’m not sure if this is true, but I sucked it up, sacrificed my day off and went to eat cake with her. For what? To ease my guilty conscience. To try and be a good person. For Ryota, it’s no fun when you’re family don’t get on with your partner.

As far as awkwardness goes, well, it wasn’t great, but sometimes you’ve got to man up and get over it to keep the wheels of life turning. I never forget anything but I’m lucky I have the ability to push things aside for a greater cause. Fuck I must have that ability, I’m still with Ryota aren’t I?!

So I leave you with some pictures from the great cake expedition, the cake was fucking amazing, but after eating 6, yes, 6! I can safely say I won’t be eating cake for a while. Dog-fucker had also been harping on about joining facebook, which is dangerous, as I’m sure I have pictures on their labeled as “dog fucker” or “cunt face” let’s hope she doesn’t get good at facebook or English anytime soon… So I brought my ipad along to show her how it works so we’d actually have something to talk about, and I shit you not, this is her profile picture, dog-fucker!

This is the poor fucked dog

Can't you see my strained enthusiasm?

 Would you do her??

Monday 10 October 2011

Fear of the unknown

I've been thinking a lot about the fear of the unknown here in Japan recently, the very talented Loco has some great posts on the topic and it's something that I think hits pretty close to home for most foreigners living in Japan.

As far as I can see, fear of the unknown or unfamiliar is everywhere in Japan and ingrained in to the culture, the people and the attitudes here. Of course, this is a generalisation and I realise that this doesn't go for everyone, paired with the fact that I speak out of my arse quite frequently, feel free to ignore my ramblings if you wish.

I see it everywhere though. When I make exotic (and when I say 'exotic' I mean like say, Indonesian rice or Indian curry, not sheep's testicles marinated in cow's blood and seasoned with a splash of squirrel semen.)food and my in-laws instantly turn their nose up at it because it doesn't fit what they're used to. When I say something out of the ordinary 'customer-staff' spiel to a supermarket lady and a look of sheer panic crosses her face before she realises she is actually a human with a brain that can function independently. When a child is so programmed to being used to seeing and doing the same shit every day that they give me an anxious glance and feel the need to hide behind their mother's skirt and say "Oooooo outsider!"
And even though these things seem weird to a lot of people, they don't really bother me that much, mildly irritating st worst I'd say. More good food for me, more opportunities to freak out supermarket ladies with my spontaneous conversations and more chances for me to make monster faces at the kid when their mum isn't looking.

I don't really care until it becomes a problem for me, like when dog-fucker insisted I restrain myself from having an opinion on Kimutaku's sexual orientation and mental health. Then it gets annoying. Then I have to start telling people to go back in to their pit and fist fuck their dog.

But I'm noticing it in little different ways the longer I live here, the most recent. My candy stash.

Now, as you can see, there is a shitload of good choccie in here, I bought these especially from Costco because you can't find Twix in your local conbini, I run an English school, and Twix and Milky ways are, as far as I'm concerned a damn nice cultural lesson! And do you see that pathetic white shit-looking lolly on the top-left? That is a Japanese candy that someone gave me, (despite knowing I'm on one never-ending diet) any candy I am given either goes straight in to my son's gob, or straight in to the pumpkin to fatten up some other poor bastard. So there is a lot of the Costco lollies, and a few Japanese lollies scattered in there too.

And I kid you not, every single fucking kid who I offer a candy to goes for the Japanese ones first. And I couldn't see why at first, the foreign ones are better packaged, more expensive and in my opinion, much better tasting. But of course they don't usually see them in normal Japanese stores so how would they know? So I tell them, I say "I recommend a Twix, they're really good and you can't get them in Japanese stores usually!" And I found this little sales pitch for Twix were making the little buggers more determined not to try them! The would dig their pudgy little hands in deeper and deeper, probing for what was comfortable, familiar, safe. And for the first time in a long time, the need to be safe annoyed the shit out of me! I go to the trouble to get something new and different and they want to stay with what they know? Why do I bother then? The same thing happened last Halloween when I got 3 massive pumpkin pies, it wasn't normal or safe, so I ended up eating pumpkin pie until Christmas. Not that I was complaining, I love pumpkin pie, but I'm not buying the"Japanese tongues aren't suited to strong flavours" bullshit.

I think this is sometimes why I stay with Ryota, he's not typically Japanese in the safe way. He has tattoos, he hates working, he's an obnoxious arsehole. But I honestly think I'd rather all that than a safe guy. Fuck safe, we spend our lives being safe and what are we going to die with? A pension and a grave that my kids have to wash off every year?

Fuck. That.

Right in the arse.

I'm keeping the Japanese candy in for the moment for research purposes, but I may smash a pumpkin over a small child's head if I don't take it out soon.

Friday 7 October 2011

It's in the genes...

If I'm not mistaken, I posted about ash's sports day last year and it was basically the same deal. My son just marches along quite happily to his own little drum, in his own little world and doesn't give a flying fuck about the people around him.

I may have mentioned how much I despise sports days in Japan, but just in case I haven't, allow me to rant away for a moment...

Fucking robotic, useless, cunting dancing that is practiced for months in advance ensuring both child and parent alike are totally and utterly bled dry of any creativity, fun, or enjoyment that may have been involved with the whole fucking thing.

Right, glad that's out of my system!
So I hate the sports days, but being the good mummy that I am, I trudged along to the kindy to stand around for a few hours watching the kids go through the motions of the steps that they have been practicing since summer. It started off with all the kids doing some lame fucking dance and ash spied me. Most mums look down when their kid spies them, but I'm not most mums, so I gave him a thumbs up and a wave instead. He then proceeded to try and run over to me, but the watchful eye of his teacher ensured he was pulled back in to line pretty quickly. Now sneaky little bugger that he is, he learnt if he made a dash, that some Japanese lady was going to be on to him, so he weaved and ducked and blended in with every other little kid, until he'd managed to inch his way over to me and was hugging my leg. All the mums around me gave an "awwwwww" but underneath the sounds of endearment I knew there was some woman thinking " ooooooo that kid is unruly, he doesn't follow the rules..."
After a few minutes I gave his teacher a pleading look and she came and collected him, he wasn't crying or anything, he was actually giggling as he was led away.

So next was his class' turn to do their little bit and I shit you not he would not do a single thing the other kids did. And it wasn't in a crying and screaming way. He was quite happy with himself, but totally independent and very contented to do his own thing. He was in the 'pig group' yet when the 'rabbit' group had to go fake shopping, ash was right there with them. The teacher actually said over the loud speaker " oh, Ashton is here too, oh well, he's here now..." just so all the mums would look at me again with the knowing smiles, not like I can hide being the only foreign around with her almost as foreign, unruly son!

Finally, was the running race, and ash didn't disappoint, instead of lining up with all the other kids and them all running together, as soon as his name was called, he was off, running down the yard as the whole freaking kindy laughed at him bounding over the finish line while the rest of the kids were still waiting at the starting line.

And I got to thinking, does this make me:

A) a bad parent?
B) a good parent?
C) responsible for the genetic encoding that my son has inherited meaning he will never just fall in to line like a little j-lemming?

Anyway, after ash had finished and I had been standing in the sun for over 2 hours without any breakfast and intense pain in my throat, I proceeded to... faint! Luckily for me I made it inside and collapsed against a wall of towels and woke up in a tatami room wondering where my shoes had gone. Highly embarrassing but at least only the teachers witnessed my dramatics, if it had been outside I would have had all the kindy mums gasping in shock and revelling in the excitement while dialling ambulances on their mobiles.

All I can say is, fuck you sports day, I'm so boycotting next year!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday 2 October 2011

Sleeping confessions.

Or not sleeping as the case may be.

I've had trouble falling asleep for as long as I can remember, once I'm out I'm out for the count but falling asleep can be a bastard for me. My parents almost sent me to therapy when I was a kid because I used to sit up chewing the hat of my Teddy bear and worrying myself in to a frenzy about things so much that I couldn't sleep. Fucking loon I was as a child.

Of course once I had a child, that whole not falling asleep problem solved itself in the form of me being so exhausted that I was pretty much asleep any chance I got. And recently although I'm exhausted, I'm also pretty content with my life. Yes, Ryota is an arse that fucks me off on a regular basis, but honestly, I'm not losing any sleep over him. Toilet crying-yes. The occasional weep before sleep-yes. Insomnia-just not fucking worth it! That's one of the things that scare me about my marriage, the fact that it will probably end at some point in the near future really doesn't bother me that much!

But this week, I've had trouble sleeping, the first few nights was because of the pain, but these last few nights have been out of sheer boredom and the fact that I'm using no energy in the day so I'm just not buggered like I usually am running around after a 2 year old and working. It also has something to do with the fact that I'm a giant, and Japanese people are fucking hobbits so this combination means that my feet stick out the end of my bastard bed and end up wedged between the hard metal bits.

So last night, after my eyes going funny because of too many hours of sex and the city and the sopranos, I tried to remember back to what I used to do to fall asleep. When I was really young, I used to count sheep, but I always lost count, not out of sleepiness but out of boredom, then I'd get frustrated with myself and the whole 'relaxation' thing would be out the window. Then when I was a little bit older I used to recite my times tables, because I was shit at maths and it stimulated my brain enough for me to stick at it. Then when I was old enough to have a mobile phone, I played snake, that simple and horribly addictive game that nokia mobiles used to have. And recently, it's the good old iPhone, although sleeping with a small child and grumpy cunt of a man-boy,the bright screen can become an issue.

So I have a confession to make, sometimes to fall asleep, I imagine being loved. Not by Ryota, not by a hot, naked Clive Owen (although, don't mind if I do...) or any man in particular, just someone who wraps me up and makes me feel safe and loved. It isn't a sexual fantasy, it's the fantasy that you get from watching too much Hollywood rubbish on tv, that there's a man or woman out there who has the ability to hold you and make you feel so safe that you revert back to being a little baby and falling asleep in their arms totally contented. Isn't that ridiculous?! Now I'm embarrassed and contemplating deleting...

Am I so starved for attention that I can simply imagine being loved and that makes me content enough to fall asleep? Really? Or maybe I do just watch too much tv, is this a fantasy every girl has? Nobody's actually living the dream are they? Are you?

Last night as I started hugging my pillow and imagining my mystery man loving me, I realized how funny it actually was!

Ok, I have to hit publish now or I'll chicken out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday 1 October 2011

It's taken longer than I thought...

But this morning I got annoyed with the Japanese way of doing things. As I always mention, service in Japan is second to none. Fucking fantastic. But the flip side means that everything is done with such precision that often this leads to not only great service, but also a lot of fucking around, paperwork, rule following and a way of doing things that can make you want to scratch your eyes out. And depending on your situation it can get very very frustrating.

My throat is much better than it was, I can now talk, drink anything and eat soft foods. I'm off the drip (that was probably unnecessary in the first place) and I feel fine. No infection, I'm gargling 5 times a day and eating sloppy fucking rice in the hope that I will get better soon so I can get back to my normal life. I want to work, and see my son, and go running and get back to dance class. I want to get back to my fucking life. In Australia and a lot of other countries getting your tonsils out is a one day procedure, one night stay at the most. A week in hospital seems excessive, but I was glad, one night wouldn't have been enough, especially taking in to consideration that I live with 2 big babies.

I also haven't been able to have a shower, which isn't that big of a deal but my legs are starting to look like a hairy monster (perhaps I should just keep them for Halloween?) and my hair is getting greasy and sweaty and gross. A shower is not going to fucking kill me.

So this morning when I went to see the doctor, I asked when I could get a shower and she said today but only from the neck down. This solves the hairy legs but not the greasy hair, I think I might just rebel and wash my hair anyway though. I then asked her when she thought I might be able to go home. And she said fucking Wednesday! It just seems like such a long time, especially seeing as though I feel fine, everything has gone totally smoothly, they check my fever and blood pressure 50 times a day and it's always fine. I'm eating everything plus pudding and ice cream and loads of crap that people bring me, I'm walking up and down 4 flights of stairs about 10 times a day to fight off boredom and losing the muscles in my legs. I need to get outside!!!!

Has anyone in Japan ever put their foot down and just fucked off home?

I almost cried when she told me but I'm going to try really hard for Monday. I have to work on Tuesday anyway so there's no way I'm staying here longer than I have to.

I feel a fight brewing. One good thing about Ryota being an arsehole, his arsehole-ness transfers to situations when I need it and I'm sure he'll be able to convince someone better than I can that I AM going home on Monday.

Funny, I'm the exact opposite to earwig, she wanted to stay!

Right off to the stair master so I don't go cunning insane!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday 30 September 2011

One for all you Ryota haters...

It was bound to happen, Ryota has made me cry, even when we only spend 2 hours a day together!

I get that this week is hard on him too, but not fucking really. He hasn't dropped off or picked up ash from kindy any day this week, taken two and a half days off work, not cooked a single meal (including breakfast) and has no doubt left the house in a mess. How hard is it when you have a house full of women next door doing everything for you??

So, the crying incident. THE DAY of my operation too! I came out of surgery all groggy and not being able to talk, and Ryota had just got there because he'd gone running, so he sits there and after about 20 minutes said "Can I go home? I'm bored..." but fair play, there was nothing he could do and I just felt guilty with him sitting there doing nothing anyway. So he comes back in the evening with the rest of his family and I realized that my portable Internet thingy is missing part of the plug that charges it. I was still kind of drugged up but thought it was probably still in the power board at the school and that I just needed the extra bit. I'd asked mil earlier in the day to go have a look for it but she couldn't find it so I was getting worried it was lost somewhere else. I hadn't told Ryota yet, because I knew he would be angry with me, and sure enough, when he discovered that it was missing he went off on a rant of "I can't believe how stupid you are! The whole point of the Internet was so you could use your pad in hospital! No we'll have to buy a whole new one, they don't just sell them by themselves!" now I had many protests I wanted to voice at this point, but I literally, physically couldn't, so I started to cry, in pain and frustration and annoyance at his thoughtlessness. I should give dog-fucker credit here too, because mid-rant she actually told him to shut up and stop ding a wanker and that she would look for it the next day. It's seriously the most I've ever felt any good feelings toward do fucker.

He sent a lame apology mail later saying he was tired and this week was really hard. Uh huh.
The next incident came last night. Ash has been quite good at night apparently, but last night he must have had an upset stomach because he was crying until quite late, so I get this mail from Ryota...

At 11:30 last night, with no extra info apart from "I'm sleepy..." did he not know that would worry me?? And like I can fuckin do anything about it anyway???
Lucky for me (and him) I was drugged and sleeping by 11, but fuck, what is wrong with him?!?!

Divorce plans are moving steadily ahead.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


If I'm going to be in pain, and in my pajamas for a week, and surrounded by old ladies with saggy tits...

At least I can look slightly hot! Broke out the make-up much to everyone's shock. "but you're sick!!!!" Who says that being sick means you have to look like you're already dead!? Ok I've definitely been watching too much sex and the city, next I'll be strutting up the halls in 6 inch heels!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday 29 September 2011

Poor old earwig

Earwig has officially been released from our room and promptly replaced by two young, fragile little things resembling underfed deer. I don't know how old these girls are but way too old to be hiding behind their mummy's skirts (almost literally!). But still, I probably only say that because my mum isn't here for me to hide behind!

Earwig continued to listen to every word that was uttered from behind her curtain but the thing that became more and more interesting was how much the hospital staff, both nurses and doctors alike, hated her! I find that the usual way in Japan to show contempt is to slap on a fake smile, utter the right phrase depending on the situation, then bitch about the situation later. Nope, not with earwig, it was so very obvious that she was a huge pain in the arse for all she came in contact with. And I can kind of understand, she was a big fan of the nurse bell, I swear she rang it every time she farted! I on the other hand am the opposite. I hate ringing the bell, even when I'm in a lot of pain, I am getting better at it though.

So earwig was supposed to be released this morning, but pleaded with the doctors and nurses to let her be released after lunch. At first they all just told her it was impossible, and that she had to have her arse out by morning, but she wasn't having it, and kept going on and on until finally a nurse cracked and called admin to see if it could be done. The nurse was still on the phone when she asked earwig why it was absolutely necessary to be released after lunch and she replied: " I have no family to pick me up so it's easier to get home at lunch time..." I don't know how true this is, it wasn't like she was going to be leaving at 6am or anything, but I felt sorry for her then, and I had noticed that nobody had come to see the poor dear, unlike me...

Since I've been here I've had mil, dog-fucker, Ryota, Ashton, fil, aunty and uncle in-law (who came with a little money envelope, score!) here to see me at various times. The nurses were surprised that I had so many visitors even though my family were obviously in Australia. I felt lucky, for a few seconds. And then I remembered have to go back to living with the bastards next week...
Still, I'd be so bored and lonely if no bastard came to see me.

Earwig finally got the go ahead to go home after lunch but the nurses just kept talking to her like she just wanted to score an extra meal, I don't know, maybe she did? But she kept asking them for pain medicine every single hour and they just kept telling her "no fucking suck it up, you had a tooth removed!" I think earwig got drug jealousy when they came to my bed offering to shove painkillers up my arse. Dear god I've never been so willing to have my anal cavity invaded, I had my pants down and bare bum out and ready before she'd even got the lovely little bullet out of it's wrapping!

Earwig also gave me a bizarre goodbye in the hallway and said "say goodbye to ash-kun for me!" one this normally wouldn't be so weird, but shed had her curtain closed the whole time ash was here, they were never introduced, she must have been peeking through the curtain and then memorized his name, which is not easy for Japanese people being a foreign name and all. Still, I felt really sorry for her, seeing ash has been the highlight of my days here. Shame she didn't have anyone to come see her.

Ok, I'm about to get another iv of god knows what, I'm hoping pain killers so I best be a good patient and stop blogging while they do it. Will blog the actual operation ordeal when I'm drugged up!

Check out my blood filled iv, gross!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday 27 September 2011

And I'm in!

Will have to blog pictures from my phone but I'm in!

Mil came with me (I thank the lord dog fucker didn't want to tag along and still had her lazy arse in bed when we left!) to get settled in and now I'm just, well, bored... Hence the blogging. Expect a lot of this I think.

I've already met an interesting character, I'm going to call her earwig lady, my roommate is fucking scary. Old enough to not give a fuck about a foreigner being her roommate but not old enough to be a nice old lady. She whips her curtain back and forth with an edge of distain and when I introduced myself and did the yoroshiku onegaishimas's (I'll be cashing those in later when the noisy child gets here!) she just nodded and whipped her curtain. May as well have just pissed on it to show her territory! Still, I shouldn't be too harsh, she may have been here for that long that a new roommate isn't a big deal. And if she was a chatter I'd be even more pissed off.
But even more scary was the way that she was obviously listening to EVERY word mil and I said from behind her curtain. We were using our hushed hospital voices and talking about visiting hours when from behind the curtain, earwig lady said "until 8!!" in a very matter-of-fact-way, the words hurtling out of her mouth like a weapon. After lunch the same thing happened, we were looking at menu choices ( which is pretty much just rice porridge for me) when she said "YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM A DAY IN ADVANCE IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING!" this was random and really bad because it made mil and I go in to silent laughing fits trying not to make any noise. I'm sure old earwig will give me lots to blog about too...

I've had all the usual "you're Japanese is so good, I was really worried when I saw a foreign was coming in!" from all the nurses, met with the anesthesiologist who assured me I'd be out of it from the time the happy gas went on, and I have to share a bath with 2 old ladies at 2 in the afternoon, but all in all, things are going smoothly. I also get lovely sleeping pills tonight to send me off to dream/drug land!

Photos to come...

Day 1

Well, operation operation is officially starting today!

I'm getting ready to leave the house now and go into hospital. From 10 fucking am, which is bizarre, because I'm not getting operated on until 1pm tomorrow. Who knows what I'm going to do with myself for over 24 hours... Chat with old ladies and have nurses ask me if I speak Japanese 50 million times no doubt.

I'm prepared though, I have 20 DVDs, including season 6 of sex and the city, my iPad, and all the books I've been wanting to read but haven't had time in the last 2 years. So if I'm in pain at least I'll be entertained and in pain...

Ok must do the last load of washing for a week then get my arse to the hospital, will blog later tonight no doubt!

Monday 19 September 2011

What this weekend has taught me!

1) Ipads and beer and blogging = no mixy!
 No ,not really, I was pissed, but not that pissed. It was kind of fun writing EXACTLY what was going on in the moment!

2) Whining makes me feel like a big baby afterwards.
 My problems are fucking minuscule compared to others, so whinging is good to cleanse the soul and all, but I really should just give myself an uppercut and move on with life instead of being a big moaning fuckwit.

 3) I HATE my father-in-law when he's drunk.
 He sways and spits and makes derogatory comments about my family and then tries to fucking come on to my mum. I almost fucking vomited all over his white carpet. I don't love him when he's sober but really don't like him when he's pissed!

 4) Comments make me wee a little bit with appreciation and excitement!
 OK, gross, not really. But thank you for all the lovely comments of advice, support, comfort and the rest!

5) Drunken blogging doesn't change my position.
I thought that I might not feel the same way the next morning, but I still do. Not as strong and not as hate filled, but still there. Although you know when you drink and get all emotional, then after the emotional stage comes the philosophical stage?? I got to thinking, maybe all married people fucking hate each other, and a successful marriage is just tolerating the other person, or finding a way to block out how much you actually can't stand them...? Maybe I have an unrealistic view of what a marriage should be and should just stick with it, get a hobby,  possibly a boyfriend, and go on with my life...?

All things to ponder! One good thing did happen at the BBQ among all the shit things, it's a fantastic twist of karma-laced fate and it makes me smile just thinking about it. Will have to wait till tomorrow when I have a break from filling young minds with English though!

Sunday 18 September 2011


Didn't get round to bloggging after dancing and I'm now pissed as a fuckin knit after a fair few massive glasses of beer that my fucking father in law keeps feeding me. I don't fucking want to be at his house drinking his beer (ok maybe I do a bit)... But I'd rather be with MY family, on MY terms, speaking MY fucking language. Anyway, bottom line is- I'm drunk. So we'll see how it goes... But basically, I'm hatching a plan to leave my husband. There I fuckin said it. Damn you alcohol and your ability to bring out the truth! I'm estimating about a year from now, when I've syphoned off enough money in case shit goes bad and worked out just how I will survive on my own. I can't live with him anymore. Yesterday basically kicked off when I started a fight. And it was my fault. And I took the repercussions because I was a bitch about it. But I should be able to be a bitch sometimes, he's always a fucking arsehole to me and I don't get the fucking luxury of being angry. God I just want to cry but I'm sitting here in front of everyone skulling beer and thinking about going to the toilet and crying. He hates me. Why would I stay with someone who hates me? Who never shows me he loves me? Who only wants me around to bring me down? I'd rather live alone. I hate it here. I'm suffocating. Now he's fucking insulting my family. I hate it here. Wait did I already write that...?

Saturday 17 September 2011

My husband...

Is a fucking arsehole. That's all. Actually, it's not, I plan to do much more bitching when I get home from dancing!

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Operation: operation....

I'm getting my tonsils out this month, after about 10 bouts of tonsillitis this year it really is a necessary evil, although I'm extremely nervous about all elements of me being in hospital for a week.

The most worrying: my household falling apart! Funny how the thought of leaving Ash and Ryota alone for a week is way more stressful that my throat being hacked at and bleeding profusely for a few days. In saying that, I'm sure that mil and grandma will come swooping in and do pretty much everything for their precious chonan, I'm kinda hoping they don't though, then the bastard might appreciate me a bit more!

I should give my usually-a-fuckface-but-sometimes-alright husband a bit of a mention though, he planned to buy me an ipad2 for when I went in to hospital so I wouldn't be bored. Awwwwwwww. Of course I foiled his well laid plans by having the same idea and then just going and buying it. But he did fuck around in a rush to make sure I had a portable wi-fi thingy so I can use it anywhere. See, he can be sweet sometimes!

I also thought that since I'll be in hospital for a week I may as we ll blog it, so it is my promise that I will blog every day I'm there, even if it is a drugged up one word post! I'm sure there will be tales of dopey nurses, hot doctors (ooooooo a girl can dream!), old women commenting on the size of my tits and all kinds of hospital stories! I'm actually looking forward to it in that sense, I've never had the extended Japanese hospital stay.

I'm wondering who will come visit me too, god imagine if the dog-fucker comes and I have to sit talking to her with no escape for an extended period of time, anything over 10 minutes and I think I'll be begging the nurse for a morphine overdose. It will be interesting to see if Grandma makes the trek too...

Ok must go work, I'm sorry for the lack of blogging, but I'm so busy at the school that I barely have time to do anything, ipad2 is bound to get my lazy arse writing again I'm hoping!

Monday 5 September 2011


Defeated. Failed. Out. Down. Done.

Those words pretty much sum up my feelings right now!
Wow, I’m going for gold with the whiny, depressing posts lately, must insert cute photos to brighten this one up too!


The most recent episode that leads me to believe I want to get as far away from the person I share a life with, all has to do with our car… shaken.. registration?? That thingy where someone checks the car to see if it still works and then gives you a piece of paper that says this. You know what I mean.
The last sentence actually demonstrates my point very well: I know NOTHING and don’t really want to know anything, about cars. I can drive one, I like pretty ones, big ones scare me… That’s pretty much as far as my knowledge of cars goes, call me old fashioned but cars are for males, (although I do know how to put water and oil in and pump up the tires, so not totally useless.) So when we forgot to get our little car done, (it’s every 2 years in Japan) it was left up to me to take it in, walk home in the blazing heat, approve any shit that needed fixing, walk back in the fucking heat to get the damn thing, pay, and drive home. Sounds relatively simple, except this was not in my first language, plus car language is totally foreign to me anyway, so it was in my 3rd language!

I’m not a total idiot, (despite what Ryota has to say on the matter) so when the little car shop man called me up and in extremely fast and difficult Japanese tried to flog me a new battery and brake pads, I told him I didn’t need anything that wasn’t essential to passing the car checky thingy. I actually said to him “My husband will be angry with me if I get anything non-essential!” Which shows just how much of a fucking arse Ryota is, I knew he’d be pissed even before he’d started yelling at me!
I was proud of myself as I’m actually a sucker for a good sales pitch even when it’s not in my first language and anyone who lives in a country where the language isn’t their own, will attest to that marvelous tactic of just agreeing even when you don’t understand what someone is saying so you can get the fuck out of that conversation quick smart. So all things considered, I think I did well.

Fast forward to 6pm when my darling husband comes home and demands a report on the car. How much did it cost? What did they do? Did they fix the noise?
No ‘thanks for doing that’ mind you, just the questions. So I answered all calmly as I fixed the fucker’s dinner and all was fine until we got to the part where I said “Oh yeah and they changed the oil and the element…”
You would have thought that I’d just told him I was a war criminal the way he reacted seriously, it can’t be described, but he basically said, “Oh my god how could you be so fucking stupid, we didn’t need the oil changing!” And it wasn’t just a side comment, it was a big fucking deal, he was ready to get in to a big fight over it. But I didn’t bite, I just crumbled. Folded under the sheer weight of disappointment and sadness and the feeling that I will always be a failure in his eyes no matter how hard I tried. And so I cried, big, fat tears ran down my face until I just put my head in my hands and sobbed. This of course made him more angry and he started on a rant about crying under pressure and not doing anything right. I had to get away from him so I took the opportunity to go and get Ash who was making his way out the door in my shoes flip flopping around saying “outside!” As I went outside and the cool air hit my face, he looked up at me with that little worried look and said “Mummy?” because he knew I was crying, so I scooped him up and he gave me a big cuddle. It was at this point that both Grandma and Ryota came outside, Grandma to see who was crying uncontrollably, and Ryota to tell me to get inside and stop embarrassing myself/him. Grandma asked him why I was crying and he said “I’m angry because she fucked up the car check!”
I was quite prepared then for Grandma to either make a sucking noise with her teeth and ignore us, or take his side, but huge respect to Grandma, because fuck me she took mine. I believe she said “You idiot why are you angry over something so small as a car check!? Do it yourself next time, it’s not a woman’s job anyway!”
And fuck me she said it better than I ever could have. I later learned that after she found out that it was only the oil change (about 2000 yen) that he was so worked up about she told Ryota that he needed to check-in to the mental hospital if he gets angry at something so tiny.

The next day Ryota apologized and said that he didn’t know why he was getting angry so easily, maybe because of quitting smoking. But you know what, that excuse just doesn’t cut it every single time, he was the dumb fuck who was stupid enough to start sucking on cancer sticks in the first place, why should I have to deal with the consequences of him quitting??

This was last week and he’s been quite nice to me since. This doesn’t help me to forget though.