Sunday 2 October 2011

Sleeping confessions.

Or not sleeping as the case may be.

I've had trouble falling asleep for as long as I can remember, once I'm out I'm out for the count but falling asleep can be a bastard for me. My parents almost sent me to therapy when I was a kid because I used to sit up chewing the hat of my Teddy bear and worrying myself in to a frenzy about things so much that I couldn't sleep. Fucking loon I was as a child.

Of course once I had a child, that whole not falling asleep problem solved itself in the form of me being so exhausted that I was pretty much asleep any chance I got. And recently although I'm exhausted, I'm also pretty content with my life. Yes, Ryota is an arse that fucks me off on a regular basis, but honestly, I'm not losing any sleep over him. Toilet crying-yes. The occasional weep before sleep-yes. Insomnia-just not fucking worth it! That's one of the things that scare me about my marriage, the fact that it will probably end at some point in the near future really doesn't bother me that much!

But this week, I've had trouble sleeping, the first few nights was because of the pain, but these last few nights have been out of sheer boredom and the fact that I'm using no energy in the day so I'm just not buggered like I usually am running around after a 2 year old and working. It also has something to do with the fact that I'm a giant, and Japanese people are fucking hobbits so this combination means that my feet stick out the end of my bastard bed and end up wedged between the hard metal bits.

So last night, after my eyes going funny because of too many hours of sex and the city and the sopranos, I tried to remember back to what I used to do to fall asleep. When I was really young, I used to count sheep, but I always lost count, not out of sleepiness but out of boredom, then I'd get frustrated with myself and the whole 'relaxation' thing would be out the window. Then when I was a little bit older I used to recite my times tables, because I was shit at maths and it stimulated my brain enough for me to stick at it. Then when I was old enough to have a mobile phone, I played snake, that simple and horribly addictive game that nokia mobiles used to have. And recently, it's the good old iPhone, although sleeping with a small child and grumpy cunt of a man-boy,the bright screen can become an issue.

So I have a confession to make, sometimes to fall asleep, I imagine being loved. Not by Ryota, not by a hot, naked Clive Owen (although, don't mind if I do...) or any man in particular, just someone who wraps me up and makes me feel safe and loved. It isn't a sexual fantasy, it's the fantasy that you get from watching too much Hollywood rubbish on tv, that there's a man or woman out there who has the ability to hold you and make you feel so safe that you revert back to being a little baby and falling asleep in their arms totally contented. Isn't that ridiculous?! Now I'm embarrassed and contemplating deleting...

Am I so starved for attention that I can simply imagine being loved and that makes me content enough to fall asleep? Really? Or maybe I do just watch too much tv, is this a fantasy every girl has? Nobody's actually living the dream are they? Are you?

Last night as I started hugging my pillow and imagining my mystery man loving me, I realized how funny it actually was!

Ok, I have to hit publish now or I'll chicken out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. "Isn't that ridiculous?! "

    Not one bit. It's not just in the movies. You really do have a soul mate out there and he would make you feel just like you imagine. Your mind and body want it SOOO much because deep inside you know it's possible and you can love them right back just as strong.

    One of the best posts you've ever written. A window into you. Nice to see your head is not up your ass. What you dream the most is not as hard as you imagine. That pillow will work for a bit but eventually your gonna start looking for the man who will take it's place.

  2. I used to fantasize about sleeping in the arms of a loving man, it was until my loving man breath super hard in my ear from his nose canals ><

    I read the Ryota post and can't believe how clueless he is .

  3. Hope you find your 'dreamboat' .

  4. oy, that is sooo ridiculous.

    Err, of late I can't remember the evening I fell asleep not thinking about having this woman in my arms. Or the morning waking up without having dreamt of her. Yeah, what a sissy I am. Better hit delete too.

    Great post, Corinne, good to see you're not always the cunted tough cookie.

  5. I dunno, I kinda think that kind of man is nice to dream about but would be an absolute pain in the arse to live in real life. A guy who wants to protect you, it's aq fine line btw that and taking away your independence.

  6. "there's a man or woman out there who has the ability to hold you and make you feel so safe that you revert back to being a little baby and falling asleep in their arms totally contented"

    It's not a myth. It is reality. I used to have the same dream and I used to think it could never happen to me.

    And then it did.

    And he protects me and lets me be independent. Seek love.

  7. Sigh, I often wonder the same thing. I can say I love my husband and a lot of his attributes but cuddling into the crook of his arm and sleeping in blissful and contented zzzzzzz isn't one of them. Hugs from a Japanese man, well mine anyway, are few and I have to prompt most of them or be a driveling crying mess. I guess you'll never know if 'the one' really exists until you go out and try and find him. Obviously some people find them, others live most of the time content with the less than perfect partners they choose, others are miserable but are too scared to seek change, and others, like you my skinny tonsil-less fabulous lovely, might be able to leave and find the man of your dreams and not the one that knocked you up after three months.

    Which isn't fair on Ryota really as I have only met the man for a couple of hours and he was very nice and sexy to boot.


  8. 'Toilet crying-yes. The occasional weep before sleep-yes'

    Get your good self back to the antipodes Corrine!
    (lurker delurking 'cause this totally broke my heart)

  9. Corinne,

    Long time reader, first time commentator. Let me inform you that dreaming about that is perfectly normal. Not just for girls. A confession: I used to do it to and I am a perfectly "normal" person of the male gender. And I know for a fact that at least one of my (male) friends do it as well since he once confessed to it after a heavy boozing session ;-)

    You are not alone! Oh, I have to youtube MJ's old hit song now haha...

    Stay strong!

  10. I went on a date with a guy friend that was like that. But, it was his last day in Australia and he went back to Korea the next day. And, I wasn't about to get myself into another long distance relationship. So lame.

  11. You sound so sad. Marriage can be tough. I hope you and your little boy find happiness one day.

  12. Yes, you need to use up as much physical and mental energy as possible, so try doing as much (or as many) exercises as you can manage. Otherwise you have all that energy to burn at night... or go and grab a cute doctor and, err, release some tension and burn some energy. It'll be good for you!

    My girlfriend naps in my arms (or more accurately with her head on my lap - clothes on!), silly girl works 7 days, and, not surprisingly is very tired. So I understand that she's sleepy, and, because she said she feels totally safe and happy when I hold her, I am happy to spend that time with her even if she is napping sometimes.

    Until recently I would have thought that it was just an idealistic dream, but it happened. It's only been 2 months, so time will tell if this lasts, but so far we are both very happy. There is absolutely no reason that you can't be in a relationship like that. Sadly, it would seem like your hubby is not that man...

  13. Shit, I can't sleep right now! I should imagine this loving arms thing, because I really need to get to sleep. First day of the semester tomorrow. I guess I could imagine my current man, but we don't do a lot of sleeping when we're in the same bed. Still in the just-met-stars-in-our-eyes phase I guess.

    I'm the oldest of three sisters, I had to be the big brother of the house. I used to imagine a big brother, and I somehow thought if I had one he would make everything alright.

  14. Whenever I sleep somewhere else than home, I always imagine sleeping in my boyfriends arms. But when I'm home and sleeping in his arms I still cant fall asleep, cuz he snores :P

  15. As a teenage girl I always imagined that before falling asleep, too. Felt so good to be hugged even when it was all in my mind.

    Not every man can make me feel this way, but I never thought of it as a requirement for a happy relationship, since I had it in failing relationships as well. So don't get all romantic about it. It doesn't show anything. But it is indeed nice.

  16. Not a fantasy at all. I always end up dating guys who are more romantic than I am and they are big cuddling fans. Current man included - who is Japanese. (not to say that I don't like cuddling until you fall asleep - I definitely do!).

    The guy who can make you feel like that is out there. Maybe he's Japanese, maybe a Westerner, maybe Korean or something else but he's out there.

  17. Oh Corrine i hope it's the drugs talking , otherwise you have really low self esteem you deserve to be loved. look at all the people who lread your blog! Bet most of them would love to meet you in real life. Have you thought about writing to ryota what is going on in your head? It would be an all or nothing approach but as you are contemplating divorce would it matter?

    As to sleeping in someones arms, not in summer nor if they snore :)

  18. i do that too. i play out these elaborate fantasies of the perfect bf in my head before falling asleep... when i was 16 it was usually a member of the backstreet boys... now, it's usually a host or a hot popstar... lol.

    you're not crazy.

  19. You are perfectly normal. I use a similar method to go to sleep. I have different "scenarios" almost like a play (where everything is good & perfect or if not resolved in a perfect way, by me. It is sort of like a fantasy world.

  20. Awwww. I could write a heap here but I won't.
    I hope you find that person one day.
    What you wrote made me realise that the guy who says he loves me - who is thousands of miles away - long fcking fcked up stupid story - loves me, holds me in the way you describe, which makes me so cross that this fcked up year happened and fuck him for this stupid fucked up year..oops, I am tigressing...but really, wtf, sorry,..anyway, you sound like fun, just like my friend told me. I don't usually read other blogs, they are so dull, blah blah blah, fcking blah, but yours is pretty on fire, and you're living in the same orbit as what I is, Japan Land, where one can generalise, the only place in the world where not generalising would be so wrong.

  21. Ooh ooh ooh, whilst I can fall asleep really easily, I like experimenting, and recently I tried that White Noise deal, and wow, it knocks me out in a flash, indeed, if I hear it, like fountains in the 'hood, I sometimes fall asleep immediately on my bike. Try on youtube for white noise and there's one that is 12 hours long. Don't be put off by the sound at sounds weird, but it works. I sleep so deeply, not that I have trouble sleeping anyway, I just like spicing up my life in Japan doing stupid shit like this.
    p.s word verification is so Japanese.