Saturday 28 November 2009

My love hate grandma

Today it's hate.
Like hate as in I want to take that little old lady scarf you're wearing and wring your wrinkly neck with it woman.
Of course tonight when we go into Osaka to get on the piss it will be love when I leave her looking after my monster for the evening until I stumble in.
Naughty gaijin mother that I am and all.

This morning reeeaaaallllllyyyy pissed me off. Now, I'm not by any means a good parent. I don't read parenting books, I don't have any real parenting plan, I'll probably be the lazy cow who sleeps in when there's a PTA meeting and will encourage Ash to skip the club activities because I just can't be arsed going to freakin baseball games on a Sunday morning. So when I actually decide to do some parenting, I guess I don't really have much ground to stand on.

There are no dividing doors between our kitchen and the area where ash plays, which is ridiculous because there were doors there originally but they looked too 'Japanese' for Ryota's liking, which is ironic, seeing as though, err, he's Japanese and we live in Japan? Anyhow, our kitchen also has a big kitchen table with storage shelves which is gold in the land of no storage space, but a disaster when little hands can get to things like breadcrumbs which get in every. fucking. corner of the damn kitchen.
I've tried blocking with chairs, distracting with TV, toys, bribing with food, nothing works. Little bastard always ends up in the kitchen touching something that's going to cut or burn off a body part.
Sooooo, this is why we invested in the play pen. Resembles a brightly coloured animal cage, but I'm all for it. Filled with toys and keeps the monster away from my kitchen. Now we only have two problems with the pen. 1) Ash screams the minute he's locked in. 2) The chorus of "Kawaaaaiiiiisssoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu's" that follow from the various in-laws scattered around the perimeter of my house.
I can deal with crying, as long as he's safe and nothing is actually wrong, howl away buddy, Mama will make her coffee in (some sort of) peace without the fear that you aren't going to come and dump the kettle on top of your head.

So this morning, I was doing something in the kitchen, and sure enough, Ash came and pulled a stack of bowls off the shelf and one shattered, which is not only a pain in the arse to clean up, but also dangerous for little hands. I was well pissed and decided to put him in the pen while I made brekky. Following putting him in the pen, which I might add is full of toys and actually quite big, he then proceeded to howl the place down for a good 5 minutes. I immediately heard the kawaisou chant begin from Obaachan and did the appropriate eye rolling and muttering of English obscenities under my breath as she opened the front door and shuffled in.
She then pulled him out of the pen and told him how bad it was he'd been put in the pen. Great, I'm trying to teach the stubborn little bugger he can't always get his own way and then he's being told he can cry and some sympathetic old J-lady will come and rescue him in any situation.

But it didn't end there, I'd made his breakfast by then and she stayed THE WHOLE TIME while I tried to feed him. Now usually he eats his toast like a pro with great motor skills, but as he was distracted by Obaachan playing with him he wasn't eating properly. She started on about how the toast was too big and the poor thing couldn't eat it when I wanted to say, well of course he can't concentrate and eat it with you all up in his grill! (Is the gangster grill even spelt like that or am I referring to a cooking appliance...??)
She also turned the chair around so he could watch the TV (which I'm not keen on getting him into the habit of doing), and tried to get him out of the chair so she could hold him while I fed him, but I drew the line there and told her I didn't want him to get into the habit of not eating in his chair. She brushed me off and told me he's only a baby and that wouldn't happen but unlucky for Obaachan, she's not strong enough to lift him out of the chair. (Look at me bitching about a feeble old woman!!!)

I thought that was going to be it but I didn't escape a lecture on hanging clothes out and that I was doing it the wrong way. Apparently peg placement is very important in the world of a Japanese house wife

OK, I'm off to measure how many millimetres apart my pegs are placed on my knickers...

Thursday 26 November 2009

I did it!!!!

This is quite late... But fuck it, I grabbed that 10km run by the balls and finished it in 69 (hehe!) minutes!
When I ran it 2 years ago I took 90 minutes so I was well impressed that despite pushing a watermelon out of my nostril this year I did the chubby gaijin community proud and finished in style!

I was chickening out biiiiggggg time the night before and moaning that I wasn't going to be able to do it, luckily Ryochan slapped me about the head (in a metaphorical sense) and told me to wake up to myself and just have fun. He said if I wasn't having fun then I really should quit and he was right, I was forgetting why I like running.

I've been pretty busy this week with a new private student and I also got my spouse visa this week so I've been a busy little bee!

Looking forward to nothing but a bit of housework and coffee with Sassymoo tomorrow!

OK, here are some marathoney piccies!

Totally out of order buuuuttt....

The play room where Ash spent the time I was running.

All red-faced and proud after the run!

Fucking random Japan, a huge bastard Doraemon in the middle of nowhere.

Family shot at the beginning of the run.

Daddy and the monster.

Nervous before...

With BIL and my number...

Next is a half marathon... Ganbaru waaaaaa!!!!

Friday 20 November 2009

Veal's off...

And so are the photos. Why? Well, because my camera hasn't left it's safe little case all week due to my sheer laziness.
I've actually had a lot of photo opportunities too, shopping trip with Sassymoo and her Princess P, Ashton being his normal weird self and a few trips to the pond with some lovely Autumn leaves, although kinda over the Autumn leaves pictures, as pretty as they are, I feel waayyyy too Japanese if I spend all my seasons taking piccies of trees while marvelling at the fact that Japan actually has 4 seasons as opposed to far inferior countries like Australia where it is summer all year...

So instead I will give you a cop out linky, any one who has ever worked eikawa in Japan will relate to this. I laughed my arse off because I'd heard a lot of them before...

What else, what else.... Got my hair done this morning, was most disappointed to discover my hot hairdresser has quit!!! Bastard, he was the only reason I went to that damn salon, will now be searching for new salon with hot hairdresser and if I can't find a hot one I'll be going for a cheap one.

Had a mild panic attack last night when I got lost on Japan's jungle roads, it wasn't really that hard but when you don't know where the fuck you are, it's enough to make you panic. Luckily, I called Ryota and he was working really close so his boss was kind enough to drive him to where I was and he rescued me. I then had to make the apology/thank you/ so sorry/ I'm forever in your debt phone call to boss man for said kindness.

Ashton can now: point at random people, point the remote at the TV, bye bye with great finesse, banzai!!!, clap hands, and blow raspberries.... but only on my leg, and only on the fat bit where it makes a whopping great noise.... cheeky boy.

I'm doing the 10km run on Monday, fuck, on Monday! I did a trial 10km run yesterday and it took me a bit under 80 minutes which isn't going to get me any medals but at least I won't be last, I hope...
There is a cut-off though, if you haven't done 5.1km in under 45 minutes you're out and they open the course to cars. Sorry mate, just not good enough kind of thing. And I can just see it now, I'll be like 10 metres from the cut-off point and they'll slam the gate in my face and point and laugh and say "Stupid chubby gaijin, you thought you could run! Mwah hahahaha!!" Well maybe not to my face, but I'm very very scared of looking like a big tit in front of loads of fit Japanese people who will feel sorry for me. I like running but I like doing it at my pace, which just happens to be very slow. If I'm too slow for the cut-off point I'll definitely be faking a leg injury, just telling you all now.

So wish me luck, I'll post photos of when I'm done! (Or of when the ambulance is carting me away with my fake injury...)

Monday 16 November 2009

The good, the bad and the fucking horrid mushroom mistake.

Ok, first, the good-
Went drinking on Saturday night with Sassy C and it was awesome!
Was great to have some real conversation with someone who I didn't have to think about how to talk with, if that makes any sense... I think one of the biggest thing I miss living in Japan is being sarcastic, I'm usually the queen of sarcasm but it's just lost here, so going out with another Aussie was great!

We also live really close and will live even closer when she moves next year so I'm excited to have a mate that I don't have to travel ages to see. I think regular mummy de-stressing drinky nights are very much in order.
I had a hangover, but nothing a nap and a double quarter pounder didn't fix.
I was also that sozzled that I slept through Ash waking up and Ryota had to tend to him, apparently I was snoring with my mouth open! Sucked in, I usually wake up if Ash rolls over, so it was good to be oblivious for once.

Next, the bad-
My in-laws have been pissing me off since last night, don't really know why and it's mainly Grandma, but I wanted to tell her to bugger off this morning when she came in AS SOON AS WE WOKE UP and started banging on that Ashton was obviously cold and needed to wear a vest straight away (he was still in his jammies).
They have also been letting him do anything he wants while he's at their house, and I don't think I have bitching rights here when they are taking him while I do shit, but still, I feel like saying "If you let him take all the shite out of the cupboard under the sink, he's going to think that's ok and want to do it in my kitchen, where he will have his hand slapped!"
I know babies are babies and they get into shit, but Ash is a smart little cookie and is remembering things like pointing the remote at the TV and holding phones to his ear, (definitely Japanese!) so it's quite obvious he's capable of learning things. I'm trying to teach him NO and give him praise when he does something good so he won't just have everything taken off him, but learn what to touch, or not what to touch more importantly. But at the in-law house anything goes, he trapped his finger in the ice tray thingy this morning and I was like, err, why was he in the ice tray???

Grandma also pissed me right off last night when she almost gave Ash takoyaki that had fallen on the fucking floor. Not that the floor is filthy or anything but they have a dog. Dog goes outside and steps in germy shit then walks over the carpet. Common fucking sense in my opinion. Lucky for me Ryota yelled at Grandma and they had an argument about it so I didn't have to. But after that Grandma got all impatient and moody.
I've never been around old people, all my Grandparents died before I was born but since living so close to Obaachan I've realised one very important thing about oldies, they're moody bastards. And so they should be, I mean they've been around too long to put up with shit but it just takes a bit of getting used to for me. We'll see how it goes anyway.

Ok, finally, the horrid mushroom.
I have a thing with bits of food on the floor, can't bloody stand it. So the other day, I went downstairs at 4am after Ash woke up, so lil bit sleepy and thought I saw a mushroom on the floor (we'd had nabe for dinner). To my horror and disgust, it was a fucking gross slug!!! There have been a few of them coming in lately and the minute I touched it I just wanted to vomit. Will make sure not to just pick things up next time!

Friday 13 November 2009

Immigration foto Friday

We went to the immigration office today with all my paperwork to get my spouse visa. What a fuck around, had to write a novel of how and when we met. Didn't think, 'met at pure pissed, dated for, hmmm 2 months...?, got knocked up, quickie city office wedding' would go down too well so fibbed a bit and said we were overjoyed when our planned pregnancy was discovered cos you know, don't want to look like too much of a skank.

Had to include photos, love letters (I only had a birthday card) and all sorts of things but hopefully it will go through and I won't be deported...
Ryota was being horribly racist at the immigration office going "Look at the Philippine woman and her ugly salary man husband, what a loser!!!" Although, I had to agree, he was a typical ugly-salary-man-marry-an-asian foreigner/slave type.

Had a mini, ok major melt down yesterday about being a massive failure but I'll save that for another post...
Going for drinks with Sassy C should relieve the tension and stress a bit tomorrow! Woohoo!!

Oh and for those enquiring minds on the country music, Ryota LOVES American country music, I don't know why... it's quite rare for a youngish Japanese guy I'm guessing. I'd like to say I hate it but to be quite honest some of it is quite catchy... But yeh, not really a country music fan...

OK bring on the foties

Nothing cuter than a baby's arse...

Getting ready to blow out the candles on my two birthday cakes!

Showing off my birthday prezzies with traditional ridiculous wrapping head gear...


My brass balls son attempting to climb on the 2 year old Birthday boy, poor Toshi-kun is such a placid little thing he let him!

Wednesday 11 November 2009

Put this through your speaker buddy!

Not exactly sure what that title even means but couldn't think of anything inventive...

When I got pregnant I was very freakin scared. Scared of pushing the thing out, scared of having to take care of another human, scared of how my life was going to change but most of all I was scared of losing my Independence.

Living in Japan you get your in dependant shoes pretty damn quickly, stumbling through things that you wouldn't even think were hard in your native tongue, ummm helllooooo rusted mobile phone!?

So when I thought about quitting my job and being totally reliant on my husband, at least for a little while, it was a daunting time. I cringed at the image of me wanting to buy some knickers and having to go and get money from hubby, or Ash needing stuff and having to explain purchases and what not.

So damn lucky I married a Japanese guy! The one who has no independence turned out to be Ryota, not me! By his choice, not mine, he religiously hands his unopened salary to me, complete with pay docket (not that he'd cheat or anything!) and tells me to deal with it. He gets 10, 000 yen a month for ciggies and any clothes or anything else he needs, I buy for him or we buy together.
And lucky I'm not a bad budgeter, when I was in Australia, our rent, water bill and parking space fee weren't paid! Despite my strict instruction, the pay envelope was just sitting in the drawer less 10,000 yen. Dickhead.

I guess it's better this way but I was wondering how it was going to work when it came to my birthday present, he couldn't really come and ask me for the cash, I thought he might have borrowed off his mum or something. When he gave me a big box with Abercrombie & Fitch New York plastered over it, of course I was ecstatic and even happier when I got my beautiful, pumpkin-coloured, warm but not itchy warm, fur collar down coat which I want to sweat my titties off all year just so I can wear it. But I was thinking, hmmmm where's the money going to come from and how much did this cost...? Of course it was a gift so I couldn't ask how much it was, but after a teeny tiny bit of Internet snooping I discovered exactly how much it was and almost choked on my gingerbread latte, hmmmm gingy latte....

I let it go though, he works, if the sneakiest thing he does with HIS money is buy me expensive gifts then fuck it, who am I to complain!?
I did solve the mystery in the end though, yesterday Tay-chan (the car, remember!) came home with suspicious, expensive looking black things embedded in her dashboard. After making sure they weren't bugs to rate my hideous singing ability, it was ascertained with a bit of pushing from Ryo-chan that they were in fact, new speakers. Hmmm, now where did the money for these ridiculously over priced little bits come from? Well the same place where my jacket money came from. When we traded whaley-chan for tay-chan, the tax dropped dramatically and we got a refund for what we'd already paid. I'd forgotten but turns out Ryo-chan had the loot and had used it to pay my prezzie and the speakers. Speakers, not so happy about, but I just look at my jacket and the angry feelings melt away...

We also agreed that as a 'Christmas present to Tay-chan' we would buy one of those ipod dock thingies so you can play your ipod in the car, it's getting ridiculous me singing along to Ryota's country music CDs, and the fact that I'm starting to get the slack jawed yokel accent when I sing along to them is fucking scary...

Nigh night.

Monday 9 November 2009

NO sankyou

I'm sorry, but when did 'sank you' get integrated into the Japanese language, you have a word for thank you people, use it!!

I can deal with the gaggles of school girls screeching "Baiiiiiiiii Baaaaaiiiiiiii!!!!!" even though my ears have come close to bleeding on occasion, and I even found it amusing when I first came to Japan when I would order an "orange juice" and be met with a blank stare until I said "Ooorenji juusu" and was given a hearty smile and an enthusiastic "Kashkomarimashita!" But really, lately the stealing of the English words and butchering them is annoying me.

Uh oh, am I turning into one of those bitter people who live in Japan for waaayyyy too long and get all cynical and twisted about everything here...

Bitter or not, leave thank you alone.
I have now heard, on at least 4 separate occasions, 'sank you' used. The first I could forgive, it was at a shop, directed at Ryota and I so I thought it might have been for my whitey arse benefit, the second I could also forgive because it was a school girl who had been on homestay in Australia for 3 months, but the last 2 were complete random, no whiteys in sight 'sank yous.'

Of course, most Japanese people know how to say thank you in English, it's a common word after all, like I know how to say it in Spanish or Italian, and I guess I shouldn't bitch too much, I mean ask an Aussie if they want to do Karaoke and they'll probably answer with "Huh?! Whaddja say?? Ahhhh Carry-ohhh-keeeyyy!!!" We butcher J-words just as much I suppose... Anyone for a drink of Sarrrkeeeeyyyy??

I'm not sure when I got so protective over the English language, but fuck me people, they've stolen enough words for now, there was a whole cunting alphabet invented for stolen words, leave us alone!
Sadly, it may be beyond my control now though, I was amazed that when Obaachan was quizzed on what English she knew, (which incidentally was more than dumb arse BIL) she was able to mumble "solly," "harro," and.... yup, "sank you." She even extended it and tried to say "sank you bery bery machi" when my mum was here but forgot the 'machi' so didn't work out for the poor petal. Oh, and she also knows "Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," as Ash is in the giving and taking things stage and I'm encouraging Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa every time I take something from him.

i have friends who get incredibly annoyed when they can speak Japanese and a Japanese person tries to speak to them in English, especially really bad, broken English. I'm not quite there yet because 1) My Japanese isn't good enough that I wouldn't prefer English, 2) I remember when I couldn't speak any Japanese and would almost hump anyone's leg who spoke the Queens to me, and 3) Relllaaaxxxxx people! Although I was quite pissed with the USJ girl who told me the stroller couldn't go in the attraction, when I gave her a filthy look she took it as I didn't understand so just started yelling "Buggy No! Buggy No!"

Does anyone else get annoyed by bad English???

Friday 6 November 2009

Foto Fiday

Mum goes home today, actually leaving for the airport in about an hour. I had ANOTHER baby free lunch today! Hurrah, fucking love them.

Looking forward to getting back in the swing of normal life and hopefully starting work again soon. Most of all I just want my routine back and the house to be clean because at the moment it looks like a bomb has hit.

Mum going back the last time she was here (3 years ago) Have we changed??

Ashton boy

hehe About 15 minutes after Ash was born and I'd been stitched back together. I think this is a very 'shindosou' piccie, as in We. Were. Fucked.

MIL and ma

Mum, me and my HUGE FUCKING GUT!!!

Wednesday 4 November 2009

USJ stands for...

Uber Soppy J-couples...? Ultra Smoochy Japanese...? Ultimate sexy joyfulness...?

OK, it actually stands for Universal studios Japan, and it's where we went the other night, but fuck me if anyone was wondering where all the sexual tension and affection was being sucked into, just go to USJ and you'll find it!

There must be some small print on the entry ticket that says 'If you are a couple, you must hold hands/smooch/cuddle and be as lovey dovey as possible to gain entry.' I swear to god there was inappropriate groping going on and all! It was nice to see but annoying because my BIL was the only one not pussy enough to go on the roller coaster with me so I spent at least 2 hours with him in the line making chit chat but we must have looked like an awkward couple on a first date who were too scared to hold hands in the sea of hand-holdiness.

I hate the crowds at USJ, there were like 50 million school kids there on a school trip and the usual shrill ringing of "KAWWAAAAIIIIIIIIII"'s and sea of ridiculous Elmo head wear was in full force. Ash was mesmerised by all the colour and noise and was the star of the parade with all the dancing costumed people coming over to him to pat his baldy gaijin head.

He was freaked out by all the exploding at the waterworld show so we escaped with him clinging to me, it was also freezing and there were people actually willing to sit in the seats where you get drenched. Dickheads, if you think you're that hard then ditch the poncho!

I also had a nice lunch with Fi and Sarah in Osaka so Monday was a good day!

Yesterday was my birthday and after a rocky start it was a really nice day.

Tell me if you think I was overreacting.... First of all, for me, birthdays are a day for that person to be spoiled, and I know it's not the same in Japan but Ryota shouldn't have married a bad-blooded foreigner if he wasn't willing to change a bit...
Basically this is what happened, I had told him I had to teach a private lesson in the morning and because it was his day off I asked him a week ago at least if he could drive me so I didn't have to fuck about with parking or trains. He said yes, it was all good. We were scheduled to leave at 10.20 to get there for 11 and at about 9.40 he just said to me "Jikan aru ne..." (We have time right....? It was a pretty vague random comment and I was busy taming my hair with a hair straightener so I just said "yes we have time" and didn't ask him why. He then disappeared and I thought he'd gone to the in-laws house. At 10.20 I went over and after escaping grandma telling me I was going to die from hypothermia in the clothes I was wearing she informed me Ryota wasn't there.

Kept searching until finally dragged my arse upstairs where I found him sleeping. I kicked him and we went out of the house with him bleary-eyed and me fuming. After about 15 minutes of not talking I asked him if he was going to say sorry for being an unreliable shit and then it was a full-on argument where he basically said I could have gone myself.
That triggered a rant from me that he COULD make his own lunch and do his own cunting washing but I wanted to help him out.
I ended with "Happy fucking birthday!"

Blah blah we made up he said sorry and we ended up going out for a nice peaceful lunch at my favourite restaurant WITH NO BABY! I could have been at Maccas and it would have been awesome because I didn't have to worry about Ashton throwing food/drinks/toys or having a tanty in the high chair. Bliss.
Of course we went out for yakiniku on the night and the stress was made up then with Ash almost face planting the searing hot BBQ plate a few times...