Saturday 26 November 2011

At peace

With Japan.

 Or so I thought. Lately I've been so wrapped up in my own personal problems (do I need to re-cap: motherfucker of a husband, living in a close proximity to annoying in-laws, having a sister-in-law who molests small dogs, bun in the oven and at a loss what to do...) that I haven't really had time to be annoyed with Japan or Japanese people.

Yesterday though, I had a series of small instances that once again had me itching to take a flag of the rising sun and use the red circle as a target to take a big, steaming dump on it.

Yeah, put that in your imagery pipe and smoke it!

So it started off when I ventured out to the doctors for another fanny-cam. Lovely. I wore a skirt because I knew there may have been a fanny-cam involved. OK, that's a big lie, I wore a skirt because it's lighter when I do the weigh-in of shame in front of the nurses... But anyway, it's chilly, but not totally ridiculous to be wearing a skirt, plus it wasn't a slapper mini-skirt, it went down to my knees! But of course, the next door neighbour almost had a heart attack because god forbid I would go out in a skirt on a cold day. She accosted me as I mounted my bicycle, struggling to balance the bike and not flash her my minge, I gave a hearty "Ittekimasuuu!" like a good neighbour does, and was on my way, but she stopped me in my tracks, inquiring why I was wearing a skirt on such a cold day, and without boots! If she'd had a little notebook I swear she would have written me up. And do you know what else shits me, apart from the fact that my dressing habits are none of her fucking business? She's not even Japanese, she's Korean! She's just been in this country too damn long that she feels the need to make observations on how other people are inappropriately dressed for the weather.

My next incident, was at Costco. Fucking Costco, it shaves years off my life every time I go to that fucking place. In a nutshell, I bought a book, and they couldn't find the price tag for it, so instead, they just got another book, a Disney book that was clearly more expensive than the book I'd picked out and used the price tag from that the sneaky fuckers, so when I realised what they'd done I questioned the guy at the counter who palmed me off to another counter, who then took 20, yes 20 minutes to find the book I'd wanted only to tell me I had to join the fucking 20 minute line of people to re-purchase at proper price. It reminded me of customer service back home, I was so fired up that I fucking fainted on my shopping cart. I have low blood pressure as it is but when I'm pregnant and angry it almost definitely will lead to passing out. After a sweaty recovery, where NO FUCKER helped me, I was so fucked off that I just took the book and dealt with the fact that I'd been ripped off by pure incompetence. Now Costco is separate from Japan, but the fact that everybody ignored me when I clearly fainted, IS a Japan thing. Pregnant or not, if a person slumps over their shopping cart in my vicinity I'm going to try and help the poor bastard. But alas, this is Japan where not helping people is conveniently masked with the excuse of not wanting to embarrass them. Fucking cunts.

And finally, as I was cycling home, an old woman dithered and dallied and got in my fucking way, causing my bike tyre to fall in to a crack and make me skid. It wasn't that dangerous but I clenched my teeth and hissed "stupid fucking bitch!" as she did a small jog of a few steps to get out of the way. When it was too late. No sorry from her, just an icy glance as she realised I was cursing her in English. Is it that hard to just stay out of the angry, pregnant gaijin girl's way?!

Friday 25 November 2011

Like a little rag doll.

I haven't written anything in way too long. I've lost my groove. Actually, to be honest, Ive lost my groove in most areas of my life, not just blogging!

Since discovering that I'm pregnant, I've been having some struggles, and I hate it. I hate that women are the ones who have to give birth. I hate that I have to choose my job or my baby. But perhaps I'm being too selfish, here's my perfect world scenario: I want to spend the first year with the baby and then when he or she can go to kindy, I want to go back to working full-time. But shit ain't gunna go down like that, just not possible. And I love how Ryota says "So, when do you think you'll be able to work, after 3 weeks, a month??" And it shits me to tears, yes I CAN work, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to give up my career and be a stay at home mum forever, but I want the first year to bond with my child. When they start getting mobile and cheeky then fuck, they can go to kindy all day everyday for all I care. If I go back to work after a month, I'll still be bleeding, I'll still be leaking fucking milk from my nipples. PLUS I'm going to have to do the morning lessons at the school as soon as possible, because I can't afford to hire two teachers a day. The point is, I'm going to have to sacrifice my career or my motherhood, but probably both.

I'm at such a loss as what to do and it's stressing me out to the point where I can't sleep, or when I do I wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare or grinding my teeth too hard.

I wish women had some kind of other option, I fucking hate having a vagina sometimes.

On other fronts, Ryota is being a poster husband (for the moment) because he wants to quit his job and after much bitching I told him unless he smartened the fuck up and did his share of housework the only time he'd be quitting his job was after the ink was dry on our freshly stamped divorce papers. So he's been on a good husband mission ever since, washing up, cleaning the kitchen and not bitching to his usual extent, I'm loving it! Of course I'll never let him quit his job, no matter how much of a good Mr Mum he is, we'd all be fucked without his steady income and much anticipated bonuses. I'll certainly let him dream for as long as I can milk his housework skills though.

So this is a whiny advice-seeking post. What would you do if you were me? Have you ever been in this situation? Advise me oh wise internet world!!

Due June 26th 2012, AKA the deadline!!!

Saturday 12 November 2011

Fanny-cam Japan

There are many things I hate about being pregnant, let me just list a few-
*getting horribly fat
*stretch marks
*not being able to drink or take drugs
*feeling like a watermelon is going to fall out of your fanny very time you walk around...

The list goes on and on, and don't even get me started on child birth, miracle of life my fucking engorged tit.

However, there is one particular aspect I'd like to focus on today, and that, is the fanny-cam. I've never actually seen a fanny-cam but I imagine it looks something like a hair curling iron, long and strait but slightly cylindrical and stainless steel. Could be way off here, but that's the image I have anyway. When you're only a little bit pregnant, they can't see the little bacteria sucking away at it's mother's vital nutrients, they need a fanny-cam for that. I've had the fanny cam about 5 times now, and that's 5 more times than I'd like, it's awful. Let me break it down for those who are interested...

First of all, you are led in to the little room by the nurse and told to strip down on the lower half.

Then you sit in the chair that lets half your bum and fanny hang out the bottom.

After that, the chair tells you in a sweet, Japanese voice over- "The chair will now move, please take care!"

And like something out of a futuristic James Bond extravaganza, the chair lifts, swivels and opens your legs so all the nurses and doctor can see what you had for breakfast.

Legs are left dangling helplessly as you lie back and just try and deal with the humiliation of it all, thanking the lord for the very Japanese style curtain that separates your flushed red face and those of the straight faced nurses and doctor.

Then, the doctor tells you to relax. Uh huh, something that I think resembles a curling iron is about to be inserted in to my vagina, not relaxin' Doc!

Once it's in it doesn't actually hurt but makes me squirm when they move it to the left and right to get pictures of my ovaries. My ovaries don't do snapshots, they're camera shy, like most of my insides!

Just yesterday I had my most recent fanny-cam and after the voice of the doctor had explained where the baby was and had poked fanny-cam around to get the shots of whatever he wanted, I was instructed to get dressed and then go and talk to the doctor. Same doctor that had just had a close encounter with my twat mind you. So I did the dress of shame and trudged in to the office to see the doctor. He started talking and after about 5 seconds actually looked at my face and gave a big surprised sound, it was my favourite doctor from when I was pregnant with Ash, I'd always liked him so I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't help thinking, 'You didn't recognise me from the fanny-cam?!' Maybe all fannies do look the same but I thought a foreign one might have given him a hint... Then again, if he'd been poking around my bits and said "Ohhhhh I remember this fanny now!!! It's the strange foreign fanny!!!" I would have been pretty freaked out too.

I'm hoping my next appointment will skip the fanny-cam and go straight to the jelly-belly ultrasounds.

Monday 7 November 2011

What are you all crazy?!?!

And should I mention that I was going to make the title, "What are you all FUCKING crazy!?!?" but restrained myself for fear of insulting my lovely readers.

The best pressie in my belly was the maltesers and freddo frogs my mum sent me!

Of course the baby comes in at a close 2nd, but still!

Yes, there is a tiny little bun getting ready to be cooked until soft and squishy, when I shall be put through the most insane pain of my life. For the second time. Hopefully for the last time.

I'm not sure how to feel about being pregnant, I shouldn't even be telling anyone, I'm only about 8 weeks and all sorts of pregnancy websites say don't say anything until 12 weeks in case you miscarry, but fuck, I wouldn't be able to keep that a secret either, may as well have it all out in the open eh!

I'm actually quite stressed out about the whole thing, I knew I wanted another baby, Ash will totally turn into a spoiled bratty chonan if he doesn't at least learn to share his stuff, but when I went on a shagging fest and stopped taking the magic little pill that prevents you going through the horror of pregnancy I didn't really quite think it all through.. (Story of my life, no?!) A baby is all good, but my main worry is the school, if anyone wants to come and work at my school for minimum wage but the bonus of getting to see my ugly mug every day, let me know!

Still, things with Ryota have been better of late, so that's one area that's not stressing me out. The emotional side of pregnancy is fucking me off no end, I cried yesterday because the washing wasn't dry and it was still drizzling outside. Ummmm who the fuck cries over washing?! Morning sickness is also hitting me a bit when I wake up, I'm craving orange juice 24/7, and don't even get me started on the amount of pissing that goes with pregnancy!

So that's my big news, I had a lovely birthday (even though I couldn't drink!) and despite the stress, I'm looking forward to life as a 28 year old!

Thursday 3 November 2011

Making my own

Happiness that is.

Go shorty, it's my birthday! Although another wrinkle to the collection isn't much to celebrate, I still love birthdays. In Japan, not so much. Ryota never fails to spectacularly disappoint me, and it's not even his fault, it's totally a culture thing. So this year, I made my own fun!

Here is what I have planned...

* For a start, I took the day off work, unheard of recently! And I didn't make excuses, I told the truth " sorry so-and-so san, you can't book a lesson on Thursday, because I'm being totally selfish and having a fun day for my birthday, if you don't like it, fuck off!" well, in so many words..

* Next, I'm blogging this from bed, and don't intent to get out until absolutely necessary.

* Which will be at about 11am when I have a hair appointment at a swanky salon in Osaka to have some drastic hair changes. I've been doing my hair at home for so long, it's in desperate need of a change, expect pics!

* After that, I will go to USJ (universal studios Japan) with Ash and Ryota for some fun, excessive amounts of over-priced sugary treats and cute souvenirs and the final day of the Halloween parade at night. More for ash than me, but his happiness is my happiness because you know, I'm such a fucking saint of a mother and all!

* Then, to top it off, a massive steak or some other similarly American artery blocker for dinner at the hard rock cafe. And if I'm not too full, which I totally will be, there shall be cake.

* Ooooooo I didn't even mention the pressies! My mum went halves in my new electrical bicycle, carries two kids and plump gaijin arse easily, is very cool lookin, and gets all our lardy arses up hills at about 40km/hr. I also got the new iPhone 4s, Ryota is claiming this as his present to me, but I'm not sure it counts, he got one too! Whatever, I have an awesome new phone, this is all that matters! I also got packages from my mum, sister and aunty that I haven't opened yet. I'm pretty sure dog fucker might have got me something too, let's all look forward to the hilarity that will bring!

But the best pressie, is in my belly.

I'm 28 today by the way, a good age? I honestly don't mind getting older, especially in Japan where senpai is everything!

So happy birthday to me! My advice for poor, romance-deprived foreign wives? Do it yourself, no other fucker will!

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