Saturday 30 July 2011

Shattered dreams!

I’ve briefly mentioned “Mr Inspirational” on here before, the student who I wouldn’t mind a roll in the sack with, despite him being a lot shorter than me, a lot older than me, and with really very little conventional attractive features. His personality, way of thinking and maybe… sense of humour… Attracted me more than anything else, and when I accepted an invitation to go with him to a play and then drinking after, I thought it might actually be a bit dangerous, well, not that dangerous, it wasn’t just the two of us or anything, we were going with a group of his company’s interns that I’d been teaching English as well, but I thought I might get an even bigger crush on him or do something stupid when I was drunk.

Luckily for all parties involved, I’ve gone off him quite a bit!

I don’t think I’ve ever changed my opinion of someone so quickly, but then again, I’ve also never known someone to change their whole personality so much either. It’s going to be really hard to explain… It’s like when he speaks English, he’s one person, and then in Japanese another, but it may also have been to do with the fact that he was the “company president” when he was speaking Japanese and usually he’s just a dude I chat to in English.

The night started off shaky, to start with, as I was going out the door, Ryota said “Have fun escorting!” And I didn’t have time to protest that cheeky comment, but then I really thought about and hoped that wasn’t how it looked to everyone. I’d just never seen it in that light, I got offered free tickets to a play and I love the theatre but rarely get to go anymore and then free nosh and beer, come on, who would say no? But then again, if I’d thought about it harder and had been able to get past the images of the cold amber liquid running down my throat then I might have turned him down, nobody likes to be the gaijin trophy, not when you’ve been in Japan long enough anyway.

The next thing that should have indicated it wasn’t a good idea to go, was the fact that I got lost and ended up being horribly late. Can I just say, NOTHING stresses me out more than being late, if we make an arrangement to meet at 7, guaranteed I’ll be there at 6:30, it must be incredibly annoying for Ryota, I always tell him things are half an hour earlier than they really are just to make sure we’re not late. I especially hate being late in Japan, where gaijins are famous for being tardy compared to the Japanese, although I can say with certainty that I will always beat my J-friends to the meeting spot, to their amazement. So as I was getting further and further lost in the underground maze that is Osaka station, I swallowed my pride and called Mr Inspirational, who couldn’t really help me much and I had to pretty much navigate my way by asking random people for directions, (OK, I say random, but I actually chose young, hot guys so it was a little bit fun!) I finally made it but the show had already started, luckily, we had balcony seats so I didn’t have to climb over a million laps to get to my seat or anything.

I really enjoyed the play, it wasn’t brilliant or anything, but I laughed and cried so it must have been pretty good. At the end of it the actors did a little introduction and thank you for coming bit and asked Mr Inspirational to come up on stage, I guess he’s a sponsor or something, I actually have no idea. It was at this point that I started to go off him, his fakeness was very well pulled off and I’m sure that nobody even noticed it but I always see him being natural and not trying to impress anyone so it was just a bit off-putting as he shook hands and made a little speech that sounded like a totally different person. But still, a job is a job right, surely he’d relax at the drinking party afterwards?

Nope, he was so much the typical “shacho” (President) that it was sickening, he assigned seats and made sure he was surrounded by women, put the quiet interns far away and just generally started bossing everyone around. Now for his interns, he is their boss, so fair enough, but I just didn’t like the tone he was using. He was also barking orders at the staff and telling them to hurry the fuck up every 2 minutes, which I’m all for if it’s shitty service, but it was a Saturday night and they were doing the best they could, it really seemed like he just wanted everyone to know he was the alpha male.
I decided to try and cloud my growing distaste for him by drinking up, but I also had that horrible thought in the back of my mind that if I drank too much then I was likely to say something to him and really fuck things up so decided to hold back a little bit to keep my senses about me. Although this is almost impossible at a J-drinking party, you have absolutely no control over your own drink, every other fucker is always filling it up, my best advice, leave your glass full for as long as possible if you don’t want to get too drunk, otherwise as soon as you take a sip every bastard will be grabbing for it to fill it to the brim again!

Anyway, back to Mr Inspirational/Mr Cock Jockey... So he got worse as he got more and more drunk and started taking the piss out of all his interns, which I have to admit are a goofy bunch, but that’s a story for another day. He made them all answer questions, going around the table and putting them all on the spot, poor things, I felt so sorry for some of them, especially the nerdy kid who does some martial art, he made him get up and demonstrate to us all with his umbrella! He also seemed to say everything from a script, with the women around him (excluding me) playing up to him by giggling and agreeing with every word he said. I hate this shit, if it’s funny- laugh, if you’re just being polite, then maybe smile or give a token chuckle, but don’t act as if you’ve just heard the funniest thing on earth when it clearly isn’t that funny. I guess this goes much deeper in to the world of women in Japan making men feel significant but listening to them and laughing at their jokes and lighting their ciggies and stuff, but it just makes me want to vomit in to my handbag when I see it.

So despite trying to limit the glass filling shenanigans I was quite tipsy by the time I left the izakaya and actually felt quite relieved that Mr Inspirational had repulsed me, it gave me hope for the future of my marriage! (which has been quite good lately by some miracle, just in case you were wondering)

Right, off to the beach tomorrow so best get all the shite together that one needs to go to the beach with a 2 year old and a useless 29 year old! Well, not all useless he will be doing the 3 hour drive there! Happy weekend all!

Monday 25 July 2011

Costco cuntiness

This weekend was quite unexpectedly full of fighting fireworks. I haven’t had a good fight for a while, well, not the kind where I can rip the shit out of someone who really deserves it anyway. I get very little chance to fight with anyone apart from Ryota these days and it’s funny because I hate fighting with Ryota, or people I know and love, but I actually like a bit of a good fight with a random stranger that really pisses me off.

And Sunday was the perfect situation; I was cool, calm and very fucking angry by the end of it. I was shaking uncontrollably a few minutes after, the pure adrenalin was amazing!

So… I should preface the story by saying I actually feel the guy I fought with’s pain. I HATE Costco on a good day: the massive carts, bewildered shoppers and crowds of people fighting to get a sample of meat annoy me no end. It’s even worse on a weekend and Ryota and I often comment to each other (quietly mind you) how annoying the person in front of us is when they randomly fucking stop with their huge trolley and contemplate life for a few minutes while the rest of us poor fuckers behind can’t move anywhere. So I could understand people getting a bit agro on a hot Sunday in Costco, hell I was annoyed myself with the hoards of Obachans shouting “Yassssuuuuuiiii naaaaa!!!!” (It’s cheap isn’t it?!) and “Oooooookkkkkiiiiii naaaaaa” (Wow this is fucking huge!) but there are certain ways to vent this frustration, and certain people to vent it to, and certain languages to do it in.

Putting it plainly, Ryota and I are not to be fucked with.

Despite my usually placid exterior if I’m baited appropriately I will rip into someone with no mercy, it’s a trait I’ve picked up from my Dad and I have a pretty good control over it so I’m actually glad I have the balls to stand up for myself when push comes to shove.
Ryota on the other hand is definitely not to be fucked with, he was a bit of a bad boy in his day and is not afraid to punch the shit out of, well, anyone. I discovered this when he almost beat the crap out of the slightly mental boy who flashed his cock at me! Plus, Ryota is bigger than most J-guys and could have easily snapped the Costco guy in half, I’m glad he didn’t, but he was damn close!

So by some unfortunate twist of fate, we ended up going to Costco twice on Sunday (long, boring story about a BBQ being on, then off, then on again), the first time was quite nice, the place had just opened so parking was easy and there weren’t that many people there to make traffic jams, we got our stuff and left. The second time was not as nice, parking was a nightmare, it was the middle of the day, and every fucker was jammed in there inching their carts at snails pace. Still, we’d got what we needed (shitloads of meat basically!) and were headed down the main middle aisle to the check-outs. As we were making our way very slowly down, a kid, I don’t know, maybe about 10 or 11 was clumsily pushing his cart in front of us and was making a major fuck up, but it was a kid, so Ryota and I stopped and waited for him to go, although there were a million other fuckers in front of the kid, so he couldn’t really go that fast.

We’d been stopped for about 5 seconds and I hear an obnoxious, heavily Japanese accented voice booming behind me saying “GO! GO! GO!” Now, at first, I thought it might have been a father to his kid, I actually didn’t click that it may have been directed at me, but the voice was angry and indignant so I turned around to see the cunt behind me again say “GO!!”

Now, I was fucking pissed off already. Who the fuck did this fucker think he was to a) DARE say “GO” to me!? b) To say it in English made things a million fucking times worse, if he’d said it in Japanese it could have been directed to the general crowd but it was only directed at me in English.
I turned to Ryota and said “Is he really talking to me?” To which the guy made a fucking gesture to move and that’s when Ryota and I both knew it was on.

Ryota’s head is like a big pot when he gets angry, his head boils and he goes a deep crimson red, scrunches up his face and puts on this low, angry growl. It’s never been used on me but I’d be fucking scared if it was. So at this point I didn’t say much but Ryota said “What the fuck man?” in Japanese and the guy said something to the effect of “I want to get through” and we were moving by that point so Ryota said “Fuck you baldy” AND THEN the guy had the fucking nerve to say “Ohh fuck you!” Like he knew how to speak English, I caught the fucker out on this later, but the guy was PISSED because Ryota and I were laughing at him. So the general crowd started moving and we got separated from the guy but I was a little disappointed in myself for not saying more.

And then I got my chance!

Costco has the big aisles that everyone moves round right so it was only natural we’d run into him again, and we did, not one minute after the first encounter. This time I looked him right in the eye and gave him my most gutter Japanese “What fucker!?” I could, and he took the bait, he abandoned his cart and embarrassed wife, and led Ryota over to a quiet aisle making empty threats and getting his mobile phone out saying he was calling his senpai. Stupid fucking cunt.
And this was my big chance, Ryota was close to hitting him at this point so I stepped forward and…

Me ( reasonably small voice- Japanese): What the hell, why did you say “GO!” to me??

Him: I wanted to move…

Me: Are you stupid?? It’s Sunday, nobody can move. There was a kid infront of us blocking our way!

Him: No, you were just stopped.

Me (Much louder voice, playing up to the crowd that had formed around us): No, you’re a fucking idiot. Don’t EVER say “GO!” to a gaijin again, most will punch you straight away. We’re in Japan, I can speak Japanese, you can’t speak English so don’t even fucking try. Did you just assume I couldn’t speak Japanese despite having a Japanese husband and son, despite actually being in Japan now??

Him: iya…gaijin dakara (No, it’s just… you’re a foreigner)

Me (In very loud English): Oh, you want to do this in English?! You fucking ugly, bald, shit for brains cunt? Go fuck your mother you blithering idiot!

Him: ……….

He turned back to Ryota then to play the senpai card (because he was older than Ryota) and he also wanted to know where we lived to which Ryota replied honestly, and turns out he’s from the city where we live! Which isn’t that much of a coincidence as it’s quite close to Costco, but still. This is where Ryota was a good quick thinker, the guy then immediately asked our name and while I was eyeing off the giant peanut butter jars to peg at his head Ryota had the coolness to give a fake name, and with complete confidence, like he was a proud 6th generation, he replied “Takeuchi”. If it was me I probably would have stumbled and said “Errr, our name is… errrrr Vinegar….Arrow….Mountain! or something equally fake sounding and ridiculous.

So they went at it for a few more minutes but it was really going nowhere and Ryota really was about to blow up so I urged him to keep moving as the cunt really wasn’t worth wasting any more time on, plus the twat actually apologized in the end, it was pretty half-arsed but there really was no way he could win the argument, there was no argument, just him being a fucking rude twat.

I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have even given him the satisfaction of engaging with someone so far below me but I’m actually happy I got my point across, because that guy, despite still being a cunt, will never say anything to a gaijin again I’m positive, and this makes me very very happy!

Wednesday 20 July 2011

So... apart from my crumbling personal life...

The only thing I really have to write about is the state of my marriage, but I need to have a little break from the moaning posts or I will drive myself, (or all of you) insane I’m sure! So, I thought I’d address a rather pressing issue that takes my fancy…


Please, please watch this!

I grew up watching shit like this; pure, satirical, British brilliance.
I love British comedy, watching Japanese “comedy” leaves me feeling like the creators of the program take me for a fucking moron if they think slapping a man on the head or falling in to a tub of boiling hot water for the millionth fucking time really makes me laugh that much. I mean, it’s OK sometimes but I need some kind of brain stimulation!

But back to the issue at hand…Anyone who has taught small children in Japan (actually I don’t think you even need to be a teacher, just live here for a while) will have been exposed to that phenomenon of fingers of small children being thrust up their bum, we all remember the rude shock we got when some adorable kid would come up next to you, looking all loving and smiley, then with a cheeky glint in their eye, would shriek “KANCHOOOOO!!!” and put their hand in to a position as if it were a gun and use all their might to ram their two fingers as far as they could up your arse (through your clothes, thank the Lord!). I was as shocked and appalled by this game as anyone when I first started teaching in Japan and didn’t quite know how to react to it. How could sticking your fingers up bums be seen as a fun thing to do?! What kind of sick country have I come to?! It would be just the start of a flurry of questions that I would ask Japan over the years. Everyone tells you to take your shoes off at the door, don’t put chopsticks in rice, blah blah blah, let’s get some “Protect your God Damn arsehole” warning in these guide books!

I should just explain the bastardness of the word "kancho" too, it is one of those words, that no matter how long I speak Japanese for, I always fucking mix up, usually I confuse it with "kanJO" as in "kanjo sen" (loop train line). I swear to fucking god I have, on more than one occasion said "OK, let's just catch the enema then." Or "OK, he is really constipated, give him the old loop." For fucks sake, why do I get the embarassing words mixed up!?

I’ve been away from the old kancho for a while though, having your own English school means you not only have more control over the little bastards, but smaller groups means you can keep more of an eye on wandering fingers. However, I also work at a kindergarten on Fridays for some easy money, I say easy, but can we really put a price on anal intrusions?? It only took a few times working there when the first attack occurred, but it took me by surprise, it was a front kancho, when did this transition happen!? And he gave it his all the little fucker, took a big swing and really put his back in to it. Of course after I’d doubled over, I grabbed him, looked him in the eye and said through clenched teeth in English “You do that again mate, and I will hurt you.” I think he saw the look in my eye even if he didn’t understand the language, because he scampered off and did a puzzle by himself for 20 minutes. It made me much more angry than I remember, maybe because it had been so long since I’d had to deal with it, or because I’m much less tolerant now I have my own kid testing my limits all the time. I’m not sure why, but I felt a bit bad, he’s actually a good little kid.

It got me to thinking though, in Western countries, sticking fingers up bumholes is a huge no no, and most kids know it. Hell, most kids already associate it with homosexuality and would probably call you a poofta if you tried it! So why is it OK in Japan?? Where homosexuality is even more repressed than in Western countries?

And I’ve got it.

I’ve realized why it is completely acceptable for a small child to giggle in delight as they revel in the pure joy of poking and pushing their way in to an adult’s clacker, making them feel uncomfortable and watching them jump 4 feet in the air in surprise.

It’s because things are shoved up a Japanese baby’s arse, and with not even a second thought!

One fine example: bum bullets. Anyone with kids in Japan knows exactly what I’m talking about, t’s a little bullet that you shove up your kids bum hole if they have a fever. And that shit WORKS. I was skeptical at first, I was opposed to bum hole intrusion, but I swear to God, I want to sell bum bullets in the West, they are a parent’s savior when a kid is sick, they probably are the same as kids panadol but the difference is how fast they work, a bum bullet is almost instantaneous unlike medication taken by mouth that not only takes time but can be easily vomited up.

Another one that I’ve only recently come to discover, is the solution for constipation in children, you just buy a little squirty device, shove it up the kid’s bum and WAHLAH! The shit just comes pouring out of them, more shit than you ever thought was possible!
I drew the line with this one though, Ash hadn’t done a shit for about 2 days and the in-laws solution to the problem? KANCHOOO! KANCHOOO! And I was like “Woahhhh hold your horses there, the poor kid is a bit blocked up but do we really need to go shoving things up his arsehole in such a hurry??” And then I was shouted down for being cruel?! How the fuck does that work?!

Anyway, as it turned out, Ash must have understood that I was fighting to keep his ring in tact because as we were having the discussion he went to the toilet and dropped some big kids off at the pool, good little lad he is.
But it really made me realize that I can’t blame J-kids for wanting to violate my bum, they’re brought up with it!

Friday 15 July 2011

The cure for loneliness...

Step 1- Have a sob in the toilet… or the shower… or both…

Step 2- Feel really miserable.

Step 3- Blog about it.

Step 4- Realise that in this modern day and age technology has enabled me to feel quite the opposite of lonely.

I can’t thank you all enough. Honestly, that sounds freaky and nerdy but I just felt so loved by all the advice, sympathy, warm wishes and love that you all gave me. ❤

And just to put your minds at ease, last night there were more toilet tears (I actually took a photo of me crying in the toilet but kept giggling at the ridiculousness of the sounds coming from the toilet, *sob* *obnoxious camera shutter noise* *giggle* *sob*
And then as I emerged puffy eyed and went to the fridge I saw a box of cake, I asked Ryota who he’d got them off so I knew who to thank, we weren’t speaking, just basic question and answers in pissed off tones, to which he mumbled, “I bought them…(%$”#(‘))(trailed off)” Once I’d made him repeat himself clearly he said “They’re to say sorry, for last night…”
Now cake may not seem enough but let me tell you, he has NEVER brought anything home, so I was actually gob smacked! He then promised a shag if I’d forgive him, and I have, but I haven’t forgotten and will be making inquiries as to my options for the future.

Of course I’m not perfect (I know, SHOCKING) and I think I was a little bit too sensitive, because the world isn’t actually against me and I do in fact have a lot of people supporting me, so I need to tone the drama down a bit. I also explained to Ryota that he has the ability to keep the silent treatment going, but it makes me feel really isolated, and like my last supporter hates me. He said he’d try and communicate more so I was happy we got it all out in the open anyway. Please don’t apologise for calling him a dickhead/cunt/ (insert obscenity here), all insults are welcome here!

He fell asleep and almost didn’t come through with the shagging promise but I woke him up and we did have a lovely shag, and OH. MY. GOD. I felt so much better, who knew that shagging really has that much effect on me!? We actually decided that the root of the fight was probably more related to me being horny and him craving a cigarette (did I mention he quit??) and we realized that we needed to voice these things, not just hide them and then explode at each other.

Our marriage is far from perfect, he’s not, neither am I. I don’t know how long we’ll stay together but I can’t change the future, just live for today and try and enjoy life as much as possible. Thank you again for the wonderful comments, I hope to get round to replying to them all tomorrow because there were some really good points raised!

Thursday 14 July 2011

The good, the bad and the toilet sobbing.

OK, so I was going to put up a post about the nice weekend we had just to reassure you all it isn’t always so bad in my life… I’ll put the pictures up before I get to more moaning…

Annnnnnnnd on to the moaning we go!!! (Click away if you don't want to get depressed!)

OK, warm and fuzzies out of the way, we did have a good weekend, but things continue to be quite bad between R and I. God, am I abbreviating him in some horrible psychological move to distance him from me?? Or am I over thinking and just being lazy…?
Anyway, last night saw a pretty big fight that has continued in to this morning and we still haven’t talked yet.

Where do I start… Where did it start…??? Oh that’s right, I’ve been sick this week (hence the lack of blogging/doing anything constructive, sorry!) I had tonsillitis last week and this week I’ve had blinding headaches and no appetite all week. It could possibly be the heat, I’m not sure, but whatever it is it’s just making me feel fucking awful. I try not to whine about it, but sometimes I can’t help it and screw up my face in pain as blood pumps behind my eyes until I almost pass out. Now, I know it’s annoying to be around someone who is always sick, but at least Ryota could have pretended to be sympathetic… The response I got the most though was, “Ohhhh, but you don’t have time to go to the Doctor right??” (In a very sarcastic tone) Why the fuck did I teach him sarcasm?? But I swear to God it’s true! I have very little time to go to the Doctor unless I cancel a day of lessons, and when you run your own school and you are the only teacher, it just doesn’t go down well to cancel lessons, I know students would understand but I’d either have to refund money or make-up lessons which just fucks me off no end. Plus, I hate Japanese doctors, I hate any doctors but I hate not being able to fully explain myself and then being told something that I think is pure bullshit. As it turned out, I went to the doctor this morning and when I told him I’d had a headache for 3 days straight he said… well, nothing! Gave me my prescription for my fat medicine and called in the next patient! Japanese doctors have got to be some of the most useless fucking cunts in the world, surely there’s a study on that somewhere!?
So anyway, moral of this: He has very little (in my opinion) empathy with me. And yes, I don’t want him to baby me like I can’t do anything myself, but I don’t know, I’d like him to just be a bit…nicer? Maybe I’m being picky and spoiled here but it still kind of upset me.

The next thing, and it may have been building from the doctor tiff, was the fucking glass bottles. Usually, I get our rubbish ready to be taken out the next morning and Grandma comes and collects it from out genkan and puts it out with hers. I’m very grateful for this, it’s one less thing I have to worry about in the mornings, but I’ve never asked Grandma to do this, I could just as easily put hers out with ours on the way to kindy, but she tells us she likes the walk to the rubbish pile, gives her a bit of exercise. Whatever, go for your life granny! Yesterday was glass bottle day and we had loads of the bastards because I ‘d cleaned out the fridge after constant bellyaching from Ryota about how it was crowded and dirty. (And fair play, there ended up being about 15 salad dressing bottles!) I find Japanese rubbish sorting sooooo tedious, I know it’s good for the environment and all but I’ll be fucked if I am separating every bastard thing every fucking day, I do the bare minimum and occasionally sneak something prohibited in to get rid of it. Fucking shoot me.

So when I got the bottles out, I poured out the contents and gave them a swish with water, I didn’t wash them until they were squeaky clean, because quite frankly who could be fucked?? A housewife with nothing to do but polish her wooden floors for a 5th time that day, maybe. Me? Nope.
I put the bottles out and Grandma said something about them being dirty later that day, but when I looked at the rubbish pile there was nothing left so I assumed they’d taken them. So we get to 7pm last night and I got home after teaching about 15 kids in a row and still with scorcher of a headache to Ryota saying: “Soooo what’s for dinner??” and again, I fucking hate making dinner, use your half brain cell and get something yourself you cunt!! Was what I said in my head, but I kept my mouth shut and got Ash some pizza, to which Grandma said “Pizza’s no good for him, I’ll make him some fish!” To which I replied “NO THANK YOU, the pizza is home made and is perfectly fine for him.” Through gritted teeth. (The more I write the more I realize I was getting more and more pissed off as the night went on). The whole ‘in-laws dissing my food’ is another whiny post in itself by the way…

So we go back to our house and I start getting Ash’s dinner ready and Ryota says to me: “We have to wash the bottles next time…” and I said “Oh, yeah, I know, I did wash them, just not totally clean.” And then he said “Well, you have to, I got yelled at!” And this just pissed me off no end, so Grandma got angry at Ryota, he told her to yell at me instead but obviously she won’t do that, because I’m not part of the family enough to be yelled at for shit like that (probably a good thing).

I then got a bit huffy and said “Fine, I’M doing all rubbish related duties from now on, Grandma doesn’t have to.” And Ryota got really pissed at me saying I was childish and I shouldn’t try and deflect my own mistakes. He has a point here, I mean I didn’t wash the bottles and then I got huffy. And I think this is where the heart of our problems lie, in a situation like this, I feel totally alone, by myself, shag on a rock.

I feel like I have no supporters at all, they’re all against me! I know this is ridiculous but it’s just an automatic thing and my reaction is to get defensive. Then when Ryota gets angry at me, I feel EVEN more alone. Take, for example, last night. Ryota didn’t talk at all, I made him coffee as a peace offering and he snatched it without a thank you and the only person I talked to all night, was Ash. Which isn’t really counted as conversation when it’s just him saying “GRRRRRRRRR!!!!” lots and me saying “Oooooo you’re a scary dinosaur!!” Although I think his senses picked up when I was sobbing in the shower (Ryota hates crying and calls me pathetic if I do it in front of him) and he came and gave me a big hug before smacking me in the head with a rubber ducky and giggling.

And so when we got out of the shower, I couldn’t stop crying. Because I couldn’t help feeling like I didn’t have a soul in the world that I could have talked to at that moment. (I have fucking tears in my eyes re-reading this!)

So I went to the toilet and pulled my knees to my chest and cried to the point I almost couldn’t breathe because I was so lonely and wanted someone to be on my side to give me a big hug.

I’m craving affection. Kindness. Sex!!! Haha it’s been at least a month!

I don’t think I can change him, so I need to make some decisions… and possibly a new blog titled “How to get a divorce in Japan…” And definitely a top quality vibrator in the meantime...

Friday 8 July 2011

Destroying the dream…

One little piece at a time.

I’m not sure if every girl dreams of their wedding day like I did, I don’t know why it’s so important to us, but I’d fantasised, planned, and created every single detail of my wedding even before I knew who I was going to marry. ‘What’s that faceless groom, you don’t care for these flowers and 3 tiered cake? Tough! I’m having it!!’ Seriously, I used to doodle my wedding dress design when I was supposed to be studying, I scoured jewellery catalogues for the perfect diamond engagement ring. It bordered on obsession!

So obviously I was fucked sideways when I got knocked up with no time, money or inspiration to plan a wedding. (I refused to not be able to drink alcohol or be fat at my own wedding) And there was always this vague thought that we should have a wedding, some day, when we had time, or money… or inspiration. At the moment the only one we have is money, but I think the inspiration is still there somewhere under all the pessimistic layers.

I think my mother-in-law, being a woman and all, sympathized with me, she obviously knew how important a wedding is to a girl and the past few months has been saying: “You’re thin now, it’s the perfect oppourtunity,!!” So I was a heifer that would have looked really bad before…thanks? However, time and planning restraints are a reality for us so she suggested we go to a photo studio, get all dolled up with make-up, hair and a wedding dress and tux and take piccies so we can lie to Ash, push the dates back a bit and say he was totally planned after a year or so of wedded bliss. Well, even if we don’t lie, it will be nice if there are a picture or two of his parents getting married, otherwise he might not believe it!

I wasn’t keen on this idea in the beginning, I gave many reasons for not being keen, like the dresses would all be girly, frilly, lacy, balls of puffy material covered in bows and hearts and shit as is the Japanese style, or that despite losing a significant amount of the chub, Japanese sizes would probably still be either too small, or definitely too short to cover my pins. And you know, didn’t really want my wedding pictures to be like little Bo peep with her ankles hanging out. I gave these reasons to MIL but really, the main reason I didn’t want to do it? Because I knew if we did do the pictures then the chances of having my dream wedding would totally be gone. The chances are slim to none anyway, but at least I can still dream. I pouted on this point for a while but started to convince myself that pictures actually would be a good idea, and it could actually be kind of fun getting dressed up.

And so, I agreed to go and look at the dresses if nothing else, although the studio was in Kobe which is over an hour from us so I made MIL call the place and enquire about gaijin sizes and a variety of styles, and if they had simple styles or not. The woman on the phone was very re-assuring, “Ohhhh don’t worry!! We have soooo many dresses in ALL sizes, in ALL styles!”
After we drove to the place in the pouring rain and the staff had given us our little cup of tea, I was given a book with all the dresses to look at. And, as predicted (by me) MIL kept gushing over them saying “OHHH IT’S GOOOOOORRRRRRRGGGGGEEEEOOOOOUUUUSSSSS!” While I scrunched up my nose and said “Errr, yeah, if you’re a 4 year old girl going to a princess party!” I should point out here that the frilly stuff suits some people, a lot of people maybe, but it just doesn’t work for me, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tall or what, but the cutesy shite doesn’t suit me AT ALL. I gently explained to the staff that I wanted the simplest style they had, so they showed me one dress that I didn’t love, but it was bearable, V-neck bodice and a puffy, but not too bad skirt, she tried to put extra puffy shite in the skirt until I stopped her too! Anyway, after having to strip off in front of 3 women with tape measures studying the dimensions of my body I squished in to the bodice and skirt only for it to come up to my shins. They then assured me that they could take the picture sitting down or I could hunch over a bit and it would still turn out fine, but how am I supposed to smile and act natural if I’m hunched over!? So I told them that it was fine, I’d just leave it, but they were determined to put me in a frilly number, just to see what it looked like, MIL was also pushing and it was at this point that something kinda broke in me, and I got tears in my eyes. I don’t know where it came from but I was just overwhelmed with sadness, so I faked a cough and wiped my eyes but I can’t hide it when I cry, my whole fucking face goes blotchy, so I’m sure they all knew I was crying but of course this is Japan and nobody would console me for fear of embarrassing me, which is good in one way but I just wanted a big cuddle!

I composed myself enough for the staff to go scurrying off for another dress they thought I might like and after 20 minutes of them searching for the damn thing it was high necked, which is just not me either, I may have been too picky but I can’t help it if I don’t like it! So I said a gentle “sorry for all the searching but… I don’t like it…” It was a very direct gaijin thing of me to say but I was fed up by that time and just wanted to go home and have a good blubber but knew I had to endure the car ride home with MIL. MIL got quite angry at this point, telling the staff that on the phone they’d assured her there were a variety of styles and sizes when clearly there weren’t, but I think it was more for my benefit rather than her real opinion, if she’d had her choice I would have been squished in to a meringue-type dress and wrapped up in lace!

It seems things like this destroy a tiny part of my dreamer’s soul whenever they happen. I have to accept that I’ll never have my wedding, but for a princess like me it’s not an easy task!

Thursday 7 July 2011

A pickle of a quiz-ee-oo

What do you think my darling husband said when he saw this photo...?

Go on! Guess!!! (this isn't the quiz by the way)



No? No? Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, I'll tell you!

Him: wow, this a really good photo of you, you look beautiful! Like a model...

Me: (snorts on the outside but actually feels all warm and gooey on the inside because it has been that fucking long since he has said anything to make me feel even close to good)

Him: doesn't look like you at all in real life, what software did you use!?!?

And now for your quiz ladies and gents!

How would you react in this situation?? Considering this conversation also took place ON OUR ACTUAL WEDDING ANNIVERSARY??

Would you:

a) Go the J-way and cover your mouth with your hand in an embarrassed giggle and say "oh yes master, my wonderful husband, you are so very right, I am so hideous and not worthy of you!" and proceed to go wipe his bum for him.

b) Laugh it off and say "you're a cock jockey!" and give him a playful slap.

c) Tear him a new mouth/ arsehole and say "you better be leaving this house right now mother fucker!" and smash a fish tank or similarly heavy object over his head before shoving him out the door and promptly locking it.


I went for b) but a tiny part of me fantasised about c). Wouldn't have been fair to the poor fishies though...

Tuesday 5 July 2011

Fuckity follow-up

OK, thought I best follow up all the fuckity fucks or you might think I have thrown myself under a train or into a rice field or something.

Nope, still here. Just.

The weekend was so shit, like one of the shittiest I've had for a while, and I was going to go in to great detail about everything but I have a student coming in 10 minutes so it'll have to be a quickie!

Basically the weekend was just full of dipshits, crazies, drunks and complete arseholes getting in my way and pissing my off, with Ryota being the top arsehole leading them all!



I encountered a crazy gaijin hunter woman who shouted at me like a fucking lunatic at the conbini. She was at the entrance and I was at the fridges and she was like "WHERE ARE YOU FROM!?!?!" and I was just so mortified and embarrassed and felt like getting the thickest manga porno I could find and smacking her on the nose, like a naughty dog because there is just no fucking need to a) shout b) shout in English c) bother me at all!
But you know, I'm quite friendly by nature, so I put on my best fake gaijin smile and said "Australia..." then she really started to piss me off because she goes right up to Ash who was cowering behind my leg from all the shouting, and said "HE IS HAAAALLLLLFFFUUUUU??? HE FACE JAPANESE!?!?!" and she had this tone about her voice like she felt sorry for him. Way to insult my child and your own race lady!
I just wanted to get out of there at that point, the hot as hell outside was even better than the icy inside talking to her. So I grabbed Ash the nearest lolly and got the fuck out.

Then, I went to the park for a picnic breakfast and I don't know how, or why, but there was a guy on a bicycle with a tennis racket, who was utterly pissed! At like 9am in the morning! I'm guessing he was on his way to tennis and pissed?? Surely there wasn't enough time to play and celebrate that early in the morning?? Anyway, the drunk fucker was teetering all over the place in front of me and I'm not a bell ringer so I waited patiently behind him and despite Ash chattering away pisshead didn't move, then finally I gave a cheery "Summimasen! (drunk cunt)" and he stopped his bike, looked behind me, and grunted. Rude fucker.

And theeeeennnn, I encountered a very fuckin rude gaijin Dad! I took Ash to a shopping centre about 20 minutes away with a Swedish playground (I have no idea what makes it Swedish by the way... can anyone tell me?) on the roof, outside, so bastard hot, but staff run around spraying kids '(and Australian women) with water sprays and they have massive icy fans so not too bad. Anyway, see little girl with brown hair and then see the Dad, a typical whitie Charisma cunt wearing shorts and moccasins, stupid twat. I smiled DIRECTLY at him, and he was seriously like one of the agents in the Matrix, just cold, blank look and slowly turned away from me. No big loss, but fuck you buddy! And to make it even worse, he was a fucking terrible Dad, his daughter was big enough to play on her own but there was an area set up where kids could write their tanabata wishes and Ash was eating the crayons when the little halfey girl came to do hers, White cunt was sitting across the other side of the playground trying to look important reading a book the fucker. The staff were asking the poor little girl what she was going to write and I'm not sure if she didn't understand, it was more likely she was just shy but I started talking to her in English and said I was going to wish for an ice cream to come floating in the air to me right now and she started giggling and drawing, still ignoring the staff who were barking random English and Japanese at both of us. So not only was white Charisma cunt not friendly, I also had to entertain his poor kid.

Saturday was pretty uneventful after that, until I got home and the real fireworks began of course. I teach a lesson in the evening and then go straight to dance class, so I'm out of the house at 6:30 and I come back at about 10. Considering Ryota knows this, I always leave him dinner and am prepared to bath Ash when I get back, PLUS the useless mother fucker spends all his time at his mum's house anyway, this should not be a big deal. I work hard, I want to do something fun and for myself, deal with it! Part of the problem on Saturday night stemmed from Ryota NEVER listening to anything I say too, I specifically told him the class finishes at 9:30 and after de-sweating and chatting with the dopey girls it's 10 when I get home, yet he still told me he thought I'd be home at 9:30. It also didn't help that I came to the house an absolute tip, dishes and clothes and nappies and shite scattered everywhere. I just felt this huge weight of disappointment that this is solely my responsibility, can he not put a dish in the fucking sink for fuck's sake??

And then he had the fuckin' nerve to say to me "You have a family you know..."

AND may I add that the fucker had been surfing ALL DAY that day, plus when he came home he slept until I left at 6:30pm.

I was so angry, I honestly just wanted a divorce right then and there. And I had flashes of becoming my parents and it scared the living fuck out of me.

I think he got a bit of a shock when I was JUST angry, usually I cry and blubber and apologise and carry on but Saturday was pure, unfiltered, I-WILL-smash-you-in-the-face- with-the-nearest-blunt-object, rage. I told him the logical reasons why I was angry and then he came back at me with "You always tell me to leave it when I offer to clean up!!!" Which is actually true, because without fail, he will manage to pick apart my cleaning technique/organisational skills or something, and make me feel like shit. So I told him if I'm home, I'll do it, if I'm not, fuckin get off your arse and do it you lazy cunt (actually in those words).

So we shall see...

Saturday 2 July 2011

Fuckity fuck fuck

It's days like this when I want to fuck off and run away somewhere. Anywhere but here.

Sorry to be so cryptic, I would tell the whole story but I'm on my iPhone so I'd kill myself in pure frustration if I tried. Let's just say the utterance of "you have a family" pushed me way over the fuckin' edge...

On the plus side, my kid is damn cute so I got one thing out of it all...

Replies to comments and a real post soon, I promise!