Friday 8 July 2011

Destroying the dream…

One little piece at a time.

I’m not sure if every girl dreams of their wedding day like I did, I don’t know why it’s so important to us, but I’d fantasised, planned, and created every single detail of my wedding even before I knew who I was going to marry. ‘What’s that faceless groom, you don’t care for these flowers and 3 tiered cake? Tough! I’m having it!!’ Seriously, I used to doodle my wedding dress design when I was supposed to be studying, I scoured jewellery catalogues for the perfect diamond engagement ring. It bordered on obsession!

So obviously I was fucked sideways when I got knocked up with no time, money or inspiration to plan a wedding. (I refused to not be able to drink alcohol or be fat at my own wedding) And there was always this vague thought that we should have a wedding, some day, when we had time, or money… or inspiration. At the moment the only one we have is money, but I think the inspiration is still there somewhere under all the pessimistic layers.

I think my mother-in-law, being a woman and all, sympathized with me, she obviously knew how important a wedding is to a girl and the past few months has been saying: “You’re thin now, it’s the perfect oppourtunity,!!” So I was a heifer that would have looked really bad before…thanks? However, time and planning restraints are a reality for us so she suggested we go to a photo studio, get all dolled up with make-up, hair and a wedding dress and tux and take piccies so we can lie to Ash, push the dates back a bit and say he was totally planned after a year or so of wedded bliss. Well, even if we don’t lie, it will be nice if there are a picture or two of his parents getting married, otherwise he might not believe it!

I wasn’t keen on this idea in the beginning, I gave many reasons for not being keen, like the dresses would all be girly, frilly, lacy, balls of puffy material covered in bows and hearts and shit as is the Japanese style, or that despite losing a significant amount of the chub, Japanese sizes would probably still be either too small, or definitely too short to cover my pins. And you know, didn’t really want my wedding pictures to be like little Bo peep with her ankles hanging out. I gave these reasons to MIL but really, the main reason I didn’t want to do it? Because I knew if we did do the pictures then the chances of having my dream wedding would totally be gone. The chances are slim to none anyway, but at least I can still dream. I pouted on this point for a while but started to convince myself that pictures actually would be a good idea, and it could actually be kind of fun getting dressed up.

And so, I agreed to go and look at the dresses if nothing else, although the studio was in Kobe which is over an hour from us so I made MIL call the place and enquire about gaijin sizes and a variety of styles, and if they had simple styles or not. The woman on the phone was very re-assuring, “Ohhhh don’t worry!! We have soooo many dresses in ALL sizes, in ALL styles!”
After we drove to the place in the pouring rain and the staff had given us our little cup of tea, I was given a book with all the dresses to look at. And, as predicted (by me) MIL kept gushing over them saying “OHHH IT’S GOOOOOORRRRRRRGGGGGEEEEOOOOOUUUUSSSSS!” While I scrunched up my nose and said “Errr, yeah, if you’re a 4 year old girl going to a princess party!” I should point out here that the frilly stuff suits some people, a lot of people maybe, but it just doesn’t work for me, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tall or what, but the cutesy shite doesn’t suit me AT ALL. I gently explained to the staff that I wanted the simplest style they had, so they showed me one dress that I didn’t love, but it was bearable, V-neck bodice and a puffy, but not too bad skirt, she tried to put extra puffy shite in the skirt until I stopped her too! Anyway, after having to strip off in front of 3 women with tape measures studying the dimensions of my body I squished in to the bodice and skirt only for it to come up to my shins. They then assured me that they could take the picture sitting down or I could hunch over a bit and it would still turn out fine, but how am I supposed to smile and act natural if I’m hunched over!? So I told them that it was fine, I’d just leave it, but they were determined to put me in a frilly number, just to see what it looked like, MIL was also pushing and it was at this point that something kinda broke in me, and I got tears in my eyes. I don’t know where it came from but I was just overwhelmed with sadness, so I faked a cough and wiped my eyes but I can’t hide it when I cry, my whole fucking face goes blotchy, so I’m sure they all knew I was crying but of course this is Japan and nobody would console me for fear of embarrassing me, which is good in one way but I just wanted a big cuddle!

I composed myself enough for the staff to go scurrying off for another dress they thought I might like and after 20 minutes of them searching for the damn thing it was high necked, which is just not me either, I may have been too picky but I can’t help it if I don’t like it! So I said a gentle “sorry for all the searching but… I don’t like it…” It was a very direct gaijin thing of me to say but I was fed up by that time and just wanted to go home and have a good blubber but knew I had to endure the car ride home with MIL. MIL got quite angry at this point, telling the staff that on the phone they’d assured her there were a variety of styles and sizes when clearly there weren’t, but I think it was more for my benefit rather than her real opinion, if she’d had her choice I would have been squished in to a meringue-type dress and wrapped up in lace!

It seems things like this destroy a tiny part of my dreamer’s soul whenever they happen. I have to accept that I’ll never have my wedding, but for a princess like me it’s not an easy task!


  1. You know you can get a dress order-made in Australia for LESS than it costs to hire one here...

  2. Wow, this post hit so close to home for me tonight. I laid in my bed this evening and had myself a good blubber, making a list of all the things I'd dreamed of and hoped to have and do, knowing now that none of it can ever happen for me..........*sigh* Major suckfest. Time for new dreams I suppose, but I'm not quite ready.

    Nice of MIL to get angry on your behalf! And there's still plenty of time for you to have your princess wedding!

  3. I think your an amazing woman. I have never met you but through your very honest words I have gotten to know you more than some of the people around me. We are walking compilations of all our pain and no one can ever really get....understand it all. But some can come close.

    What are the odds of bumping into someone face to face who connects almost completely?? Almost impossible...but the net?...a blog?? Those odds go way up. I can't write..for shit..I just type my thoughts and reading you is like that (no insult intended)

    I can't help but believe that your husband has no idea how lucky he is to have you. He has no refference or doesn't wanna look that deep? It's a shame. You are the funnest and deepest woman he will ever meet...and he doesn't even know it.

  4. That's such a shoddy day DD= So sorry to hear about that. At least your MIL gave them a bit of a verbal lashing at the end. Nobody likes falsies~
    I really hope you get your wedding though. Can't you do a small ceremony in Japan at one of the wedding chapels or mansions? Osaka has a nice wedding park on the harbor and another chapel downtown. The only frustrating thing about Japanese weddings is all the gifting. You have to pay for your guests transportation plus after they give your presents (money), you have to give them 50% of that back in some sort of gift (not money). It's really complicated and headache inducing =/
    You could also do a destination wedding with just your husband and his fam (or mum, since the sister is bat-shit insane). Those look really romantic, and you have planners do everything for you =]

  5. you can still do it
    Have a beach wedding somewhere. You have internet use it! I bought my dress from the uk ( japanese dresses are a big no no for me too) I stupidly had the wedding in japan and had to grin and bear it. Escape, have a wedding and honeymoon in one. Do you really want his relatives there? really? have ash as the run away page boy!

  6. I'm with Badboy.

    Under those layers of touch Aussie dundeene you are the sweetest little thing. It shows in your writing.

    Now it's time for you to get what you deserve.

    God, I hate it when women are throwing themselves away.

  7. I'm sorry it was such a shitty day. I think a destination wedding would be an excellent idea. You have the money, now you would need to find the time. Seriously, don't just drop your dream.Take your time, figure this out. I've realized in life that if I want something I just need to do it and drag everyone else in my wake. If I didn't I'd never do anything or have anything.

  8. We all have to learn the hard way that not all dreams come true. Is good to have them, they give us purpose and a goal, they fuel our desires but often lead to a "blue" state.

    Don´t let dreams that fall apart destroy your soul, that is by far, the most difficult task, but the most important one.

    Loved your blog ;)

  9. Are you going to Thailand this year or am I making things up??? If you are (or anywhere else for that matter) you can get a dress made to your exact specifications for so cheap it will surprise the shit out of you. Sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it at the mo, unsuccessful dress "shopping" just adds to the crappiness of it all-maybe look online too? Lots of places ship here now. x

  10. Hmm..well if you don't wanna ruin your "fantasy wedding" in your mind, you could maybe say you wanna do a shinto type ceremony? Like, the fancy ass clothes and shit and you drink tea to symbolize something...or yeah? Pictures from this would still be awesome

  11. For what it is worth re: navjeet above, the most enjoyable part of our wedding (also a dekichatta-kekkon) was the shinzen ceremony, although I am not exactly the type of person who dreamed of a white wedding etc!

    To give a different view, it's impressive that you still have some inspiration - this time in our marriage/bringing up the little one was the toughest (although I'm only about 2 years "ahead" by the sound of it). So much doubt and not much warmth on both sides, fights over all sorts of things. And for a while it felt like it might not get better, so if we had of not had the wedding before jnr came along I am not sure we would have had the inspiration at that point! As I said before though, things are pretty good now and getting better. I'm quite liking being a dad and married and also rediscovering how fun it was being with my wife before we got ourselves into trouble, so to speak :-) People are imperfect, always growing and changing, and life and biology (and young kids) has its way of putting you off balance, but I don't see why you have to give up on your dreams - and it will never be too late!

  12. You reminded me of when a Japanese friend did her wedding pictures. I nixed almost all the dresses because they looked like little girls' party dresses. I say order a smokin' hot dress from Australia (it's cheaper anyway) and demand a wedding, even a small one. After all the times he's pissed you off, you've earned it. Chris and Biggie are right, you come over as a total sweetheart, you deserve to be a Princess for a day. sarahf

  13. I've been fortunate enough to be there to see countless couples go though their 'once-in-a-lifetime' moments while working as a 'preistitute'. Some people had some pretty intense moments. The bridal companies tend to charge and arm and a leg and it can entail months worth of arduous over-planning. Some rituals are good for making bonds while others are good for breaking them. Wherever you get around to going to and whatever you get around to doing, hope it puts you in an ecstatic state.

  14. I wrote a comment yesterday and the stupid hotel computer wouldn't let me post it. Anyways, I was saying don't lie about your wedding date. My mum did that to me and one day I was helping her clean up and found her wedding certificate and was devastated... oh, by devastated, I mean I mocked her mercilessly and used it as a justification for all my teenager shenanigans!

  15. I sympathise entirely. I remember choosing the clothes for our wedding. My wife lived in the UK for a few years and has a pretty western sense of style (thank god). It took us ages to find a dress that didn't make her look like Princess Sparkle. Or a suit that didn't make me look like a premiership footballer, for that matter.

    My favourite wtf moment was when the finally ordered the matching shoes in my size and they had two inch lifts in the heels. I'm 6'4" already and wear size 30 shoes. Who wears shoes that big and needs extra hight? It's not like I'm Sideshow Bob.

    Anyway, my advise is go native. I know it's not the white wedding you perhaps dreamed of, but you're unlikely to get that out here. The wedding kimono however are stunning, and cost a fortune. I'm sure you can get MIL to pay. Invite the folks over and put on a show. Once in a lifetime and all...

  16. That sucks :(((
    I hope you had a beter day today <3

    My parents never married and they love each other very, very much. I don't have a problem with it, though. I'd be upset if my Mum wanted to have that dream wedding as much as you do and never ended up getting it. I hope you get the dream wedding you want and the perfect dress and everything!!! :)

  17. awww... :( though i can't really relate, i feel you. don't give up on your dream, girl!

    i've never fantasized about my wedding that much... mostly because i grew up in a world of divorced couples, and people just don't get married back home any more, but i do like the idea and the fantasy of it. i would never want to have a proper wedding in Japan though because i am not willing to fork up THAT much money. weddings cost 10 times as much here as back home and are just a big show of nothing....

  18. I can understand how you feel because that is how my husband feels XD I actually did not wanted to get married and never pictured myself in a wedding dress. After he proposed he asked me about the ceremony the next day and he went like bleach white when I said I did not want the ceremony, it seems so important to him. I was ready to settle only for a picture wedding but changed my mind to make him happy, and now my familly seems happy and I have to push him around to plan everything lol I like people's idea of a beach wedding! So romantic and you cannot wear a puffy cake dress there (^^)

  19. Ok, I never dreamed of a wedding actually, but I married when i was overweight AND pregnant, and I felt sad about having a choice of TWO rental dresses. The fact they were size 20 pissed me off, only to be slightly consoled that the roomier size was not due to my fatness but my ample breasts...Anyway, back to my point..despite not being a wedding type, I DID feel sad about it, so I can imagine it meant much more to you. I hope you stick with it and get the wedding you want. Not sure if Australia is the same or even if you're going with your husband, but in the UK, although they can't do a wedding ceremony if you are already married, they will do a blessing. Stick with it!