Friday 15 July 2011

The cure for loneliness...

Step 1- Have a sob in the toilet… or the shower… or both…

Step 2- Feel really miserable.

Step 3- Blog about it.

Step 4- Realise that in this modern day and age technology has enabled me to feel quite the opposite of lonely.

I can’t thank you all enough. Honestly, that sounds freaky and nerdy but I just felt so loved by all the advice, sympathy, warm wishes and love that you all gave me. ❤

And just to put your minds at ease, last night there were more toilet tears (I actually took a photo of me crying in the toilet but kept giggling at the ridiculousness of the sounds coming from the toilet, *sob* *obnoxious camera shutter noise* *giggle* *sob*
And then as I emerged puffy eyed and went to the fridge I saw a box of cake, I asked Ryota who he’d got them off so I knew who to thank, we weren’t speaking, just basic question and answers in pissed off tones, to which he mumbled, “I bought them…(%$”#(‘))(trailed off)” Once I’d made him repeat himself clearly he said “They’re to say sorry, for last night…”
Now cake may not seem enough but let me tell you, he has NEVER brought anything home, so I was actually gob smacked! He then promised a shag if I’d forgive him, and I have, but I haven’t forgotten and will be making inquiries as to my options for the future.

Of course I’m not perfect (I know, SHOCKING) and I think I was a little bit too sensitive, because the world isn’t actually against me and I do in fact have a lot of people supporting me, so I need to tone the drama down a bit. I also explained to Ryota that he has the ability to keep the silent treatment going, but it makes me feel really isolated, and like my last supporter hates me. He said he’d try and communicate more so I was happy we got it all out in the open anyway. Please don’t apologise for calling him a dickhead/cunt/ (insert obscenity here), all insults are welcome here!

He fell asleep and almost didn’t come through with the shagging promise but I woke him up and we did have a lovely shag, and OH. MY. GOD. I felt so much better, who knew that shagging really has that much effect on me!? We actually decided that the root of the fight was probably more related to me being horny and him craving a cigarette (did I mention he quit??) and we realized that we needed to voice these things, not just hide them and then explode at each other.

Our marriage is far from perfect, he’s not, neither am I. I don’t know how long we’ll stay together but I can’t change the future, just live for today and try and enjoy life as much as possible. Thank you again for the wonderful comments, I hope to get round to replying to them all tomorrow because there were some really good points raised!


  1. I don't think you are too sensitive at all. I think you are a hard-working mother who just needs her husband to step up and give her a hand balancing everything. You were totally warranted to feel the way you felt yesterday.

    Anyway, small gesture though it was,I am glad he did something to say sorry for being an arse.

    As for the sex thing, I think that it plays a huge role in one's self-esteem (even though it shouldn't necssarily) and I personally find it an important part of my well-being. Alot of my male friends complain that their wives are never up for it and having been rejected by my ex constantly, I feel their pain. Mal on the other hand comments that he is utterly amazed that no matter what the timing! ;-) I have had numerous conversations with people about the low birth rate in Japan but I think a massive part of it is that alot of J-men just don't seem to have high sex drives/aren't that bothered by intimacy... which is just weird if you ask me!! :-(

    I don't think any relationship/marriage is perfect and hearts and flowers all of the time. The thing is to look at how often you are happy and how often you want to kill him and if it gets to the stage where you are hardly ever happy, then you know it is time to make an escape plan.

  2. oooh, get the sugary stuff off these pages. Too much pink already. Or at least write in details about the shag! Yes ma'am, we are listening.

  3. Happy to hear that things took a turn for the better and not worse! Hey, it probably was a really big deal for him to apologize and buy you a cake - not that it means that he shouldn't show you some appreciation from time to time!

    But I can understand the reason, a Salaryman without sex for a week equals a quite grumpy and irritable Salaryman... Thankfully Mrs. Sunshine is usually happy to play along, but sometimes work, babies and stuff makes it difficult to puzzle together...

    Oh, and I've also quit the nicotine once and that's a sure way to make me very very irritable!

  4. Well done R. It's nothing on the way to anything acceptable of an apology but its a start somewhere. And it got him a shag so obviously he'll remember cake is a good apology food - why he would give it to his wife who has been on a diet for the last year and looking fucking sexy I don't know but nevermind. No marriages are perfect, its just a matter of your own limits and how much you're willing to give and take.

    Glad you got a shag session - which I hope means it wasn't just two minutes of heaven for him and nothing for you.


  5. He quit smoking?! That explains a few things. The assholery will be palatable. But I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. Nothing beats a good shag. Or shags a good beat. No wait..that doesn't make any sense. Nevermind.

  6. I'm so happy that things are working out for you <3 <3 <3

    Even if he's grumpy with quitting smoking, he should still consider your feelings though!!!
    But, cake and talking about things is a good start. Hopefully, everything gets better from here. Looking forward to that post when you get your dream wedding in the future :)

  7. "A daily release is necessary or I'd kill a buncha people."

    This made me chuckle as I am fairly similar. Which I think is supposedly unusual for a woman..

  8. So glad to hear you feel better, and that he actually tried to apologize. There is hope yet.

  9. Glad to hear things turned around and that you are feeling better! And good boy R for getting the apology-gift thing right (cake and sex!)
    While it's good to try and keep a positive attitude, sometimes you just gotta have those angry, tearful explosions. I find running quite therapeutic though. Just put on my headphones and take off down the street bawling my eyes out like a crazy person and running as far as i can. By the time i walk back i feel much better!

  10. Eeek, I can comment! Having been a lurker for some time, because there was no comment-window shown, I'm now very happy to be able to delurk! Hi! :-)

    I'm so glad that the situation got better by him apologizing. Buying a cake for your wife who's on a diet is sth very nice, I think. She wouldn't buy it for herself, would she.
    And I think you should be more surprised if sex wouldn't have that effect on you.

  11. Well I can tell as well that nicotine withrawl is nasty...I used to snap about the littlest things. Agian, thats an excuse and he (nor I) should never behave like that no matter the circustances, but I agree with Salaryman..for some guys it is HARD to say "I am sorry" and by reafing what you is pretty hard for him and at least he did made the best of efforts...And again, he is still a dick b ut at least he tries...kudos for that

  12. Yay!
    I didn't really contribute to anything sensible on the last post, but did want to at least make it known that you're not alone, that people are listening/reading/caring (dorky as it sounds).

    And I'm glad things are going in the right direction again! Of course there'll be plenty more ups and downs, but it sounds like you both managed to really communicate something there. Kudos to you both and I hope it continues. :)

  13. don't be too hard on him for the first month or so of him giving up smoking, it's hell.

  14. I wanted to comment on the last post but ran out of glad things worked out at least a little since.

    I haven't been reading long enough to feel like I could leave a big informed opinion but talking in these situations is so difficult...and the only thing that really can help if it can be helped. And it's even harder if the two of you are from different cultures -_- So I'm glad you two were able to have an exchange that helped.

  15. Quitting cigs is a bitch. The first time I quit it was cold turkey and it lasted a couple of years. I was only able to do it because I was still smoking dope at the time and replaced one form of smoke with another. After repeated attempts to quit again over the last 15 years using gum and patches [ no weed , I was long since done with that shit] I tried the nicotine lozenges, did a few trial runs of a day or three and quit 7/22/10. No more of this 3 packs a day insanity. I still get the urge but it only lasts a minute or so. His first couple of months are going to be rough if his addiction was anything like mine.

  16. I would never, ever give anyone I don't know relationship advice because I just don't know you guys. Even if I did it would be hard because there would be biases based on *my* gender, *my* relationship and experiences, *my* expectations, *our* relationship as friends... Blogs, however open they are, are only one side of a story that involves several people.
    That said, I'm glad he showed some self-awareness. I don't believe anyone can say that someone can't change or make a massive shift. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. But there is no impossible.
    So now for the relationship advice that I would never allow myself to give (hahaaaa): Based purely on what you said, when he offers to help when you are around, say yes, let him do things his way too, even if it doesn't meet your standards, otherwise you're being his mama. /end of advice.

  17. He's quitting smoking? OMZG I'd be such a cranky bitch if I quit smoking, no one could be around me. It's the worse pain imaginable. Like if I had the choice of childbirth without drugs or quitting smoking, I'd take the childbirth... maybe.

    If I got cake and a shag though, I'd be damn happy!

  18. good for you!

    i'm glad you worked things out AND had sex. being in a relationship and having less sex than if you were single is the saddest thing in the world (for me anyways... and i've been there so...:p) so make him remember more often! haha.

    cheer up! chin up! and life is gonna be ok ^_-

  19. As someone said, there is some kind of self-awareness there so something to work with! Giving up smoking and apologizing (with cake!) might be two signs of some kind of personal growth/change potential...problem is sometimes people don't even know that there is something to change. Or if like myself, too resistant to any kind of authority/being told what I should do to consider what is the genuinely nice/constructive/respectful thing to do. I certainly never helped myself a lot of the time. Which of course had implications for intimacy and yeah, that never helped the mood either! What I have learnt is that there is a massive difference between evolution/growth "change" and compromising who you are "change" but it is not always obvious to some what the difference is.

  20. Cake and sex? Sounds like a great night to me. And at least he's trying, which is better. Glad you're feeling better. Hope this is a sign things are improving for good.

  21. Every once in a while, which is sometimes a year or so, I'll have a cigarette and literally feel the zing as it travels through my veins, slight spin, and then the sick stomach. So nice not to be hooked on those things anymore.

  22. So you can have your cake and eat it too. Glad things worked out, keep up the positive attitude and I think she'll be right.

    Sex of course is a very important part of a relationship, there are books out there explaining this and how men and women benefit emotionally from this. Maybe it could be an option to purchase one that has both an English and Japanese version and read through it together. I don't think people really talk about it here in the family and the porn here is pretty fucked up as a source of study, so it could help to learn something together. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus perhaps? If you can get the sex down pat, then it's a good way of dealing with some of the cultural and other frustrations for both of you.

    Chin up mate and I've got my fingers crossed for you.

  23. Again, I would be, out of felt duty to humankind, caution against buying anything published on this great planet of yours from someone who proudly displays PhD credentials from an unaccredited institution that is considered "fraudulent or substandard" in even places like Texas. For that, you can google the author and click through the alma mater link on the right side of the page, if you really want to know.

    Have a nice day.

  24. Hey sweetie, sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Hopefully he'll become a bit more "human" after having quit smoking for a while, it's really friggin' hard to stay sane, during that, I just quit for the umteenth time almost 3 months ago and I still wan one everyday!
    You are lucky to have such a gorgeous son though, not all of us seem to be able to do that....
    I hope things start to pick up for you a bit more soon.

  25. Hard to resist a cake! My husband always buys me sweets, when I am mad/happy/sad/in pain XD I guess that is why I cannot loose weight.

    Try to get him to stop being a selfish Jerk, even if you are not perfect he does not need to be that lazy about being active around the house lol

    Oh my man is home! Singing while climbing up the stairs !